Today was MUCH better for me and the boys. :-)
Thanks for your encouraging comments to the previous post!!
I smiled as I realized that I'm certainly not alone in my frustrations. :-)
and some of you are right... I think once our school/work routine starts, things will get back in order. All three of us seem to thrive on routine...
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
one of those days
I'm ready to spout out some really evil thoughts here. so read at the risk of realizing that I am nuts...
and... there is no need to call or worry about me.... I'm not angry or psychotic (well.. that's probably debatable)... I've just got to get this stuff out of my head...
We didn't get around to cleaning the room today because we ran some errands. I think we ended up spending about 1400 hours at walmart.
We headed home so I could put the kids down for a nap, and so I could chill out.
These kids are driving me absolutely bonkers. I think I kept my cool for most of the day.... but I am just running on empty with my patience, especially for rude and disrespectful punks.
I have recently spent time away from the kids... twice in the last few weeks. I got a grand taste of what it's like to be a "person" again. And I realized that being a person rocks.
Then, I get thrown back to the wolves... the loud, hyper, very physical beings that these boys are.
Today, they were especially hyper... and I'd like to hope it's just readjusting to life after two days with Papa :-)
But with all excuses aside... they are driving me nuts.
Frankly, on days like today... I can understand, and sympathize, with mothers who abandon their children. They made the escape and they are probably enjoying it.
(Now, hold on... I heard your loud gasp... didn't I warn you that this post included evil thoughts?)
Don't worry... I won't be catching the next bus out of town.
But seriously... I could get used to the freedom that people have when kids aren't involved. And on days like today, I miss having thayer here to "take over" after a long day.
I jokingly told a friend the other day that I feel like I have two cinder blocks tied to my feet. Sometimes when I want to fly... they really ground me.
Don't get me wrong... I truly LOVE my kids but they are often very difficult to LIKE.
anywho... I was telling the kids, in a nice mommy way... that I couldn't think of anyone who would enjoy being around them when they are acting crazy. One of them said "Daddy would". and that instantly sent me into the lecture about how "yes, Daddy loved being with you.... but I know that you wouldn't be acting this way if Daddy were here.... I'm really sorry that he's not here...but it doesn't give you the excuse to treat me like this... I feel like you guys are punishing me because Daddy's not here, etc. etc."
I've had this discussion many times before.... and I'm sure that some of you psych majors out there are cringing at some of those statements. I'm sure that there is a better way to get my point across other than telling them that I feel punished.... but heck... I DO feel punished.
I figure that it'll take years of therapy for them to recover from a childhood with me anyway. I might as well give them good material.
so there. that's it.
I feel better now.
:-)
and... there is no need to call or worry about me.... I'm not angry or psychotic (well.. that's probably debatable)... I've just got to get this stuff out of my head...
We didn't get around to cleaning the room today because we ran some errands. I think we ended up spending about 1400 hours at walmart.
We headed home so I could put the kids down for a nap, and so I could chill out.
These kids are driving me absolutely bonkers. I think I kept my cool for most of the day.... but I am just running on empty with my patience, especially for rude and disrespectful punks.
I have recently spent time away from the kids... twice in the last few weeks. I got a grand taste of what it's like to be a "person" again. And I realized that being a person rocks.
Then, I get thrown back to the wolves... the loud, hyper, very physical beings that these boys are.
Today, they were especially hyper... and I'd like to hope it's just readjusting to life after two days with Papa :-)
But with all excuses aside... they are driving me nuts.
Frankly, on days like today... I can understand, and sympathize, with mothers who abandon their children. They made the escape and they are probably enjoying it.
(Now, hold on... I heard your loud gasp... didn't I warn you that this post included evil thoughts?)
Don't worry... I won't be catching the next bus out of town.
But seriously... I could get used to the freedom that people have when kids aren't involved. And on days like today, I miss having thayer here to "take over" after a long day.
I jokingly told a friend the other day that I feel like I have two cinder blocks tied to my feet. Sometimes when I want to fly... they really ground me.
Don't get me wrong... I truly LOVE my kids but they are often very difficult to LIKE.
anywho... I was telling the kids, in a nice mommy way... that I couldn't think of anyone who would enjoy being around them when they are acting crazy. One of them said "Daddy would". and that instantly sent me into the lecture about how "yes, Daddy loved being with you.... but I know that you wouldn't be acting this way if Daddy were here.... I'm really sorry that he's not here...but it doesn't give you the excuse to treat me like this... I feel like you guys are punishing me because Daddy's not here, etc. etc."
I've had this discussion many times before.... and I'm sure that some of you psych majors out there are cringing at some of those statements. I'm sure that there is a better way to get my point across other than telling them that I feel punished.... but heck... I DO feel punished.
I figure that it'll take years of therapy for them to recover from a childhood with me anyway. I might as well give them good material.
so there. that's it.
I feel better now.
:-)
completely random
I feel the urge to share...
I ventured into my boys' room to change their sheets and realized that there is a stinky "boy odor" lurking in their room.
So... the inevitable has come.
I've got a date with my boys and a trash bag today.
please keep my sanity in your prayers.
:-)
I ventured into my boys' room to change their sheets and realized that there is a stinky "boy odor" lurking in their room.
So... the inevitable has come.
I've got a date with my boys and a trash bag today.
please keep my sanity in your prayers.
:-)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
thankful
I may not always allude to the fact... but I am thankful.
During the day, I thank God for lots of little things.
I amused myself the other day when I casually thanked God that my skin had been clear for a while.... but the next day I had two zits.
Other folks are thankful for things too:
Some are thankful for marriages... but they end up broken... or end unexpectedly.
Some are thankful for health...but it deteriorates.
Some are thankful for babies...but then there are miscarriages.
The list goes on and on. People are thankful for alot of things and then their hopes and plans are crushed. Many may say, "how can anyone be thankful to a God who allows terrible things to happen?"
I have witnessed folks, in the above situations, who have had very thankful hearts. They looked into the situation and still found something to be thankful for.
I was listening to the song 'Thank You' by 33 Miles today and I thought to myself "How could anyone NOT be thankful?"
They sing, "What if I lost everything that I had, I could smile and somehow still be glad, and say thank you."
It's true. I think that no matter how sucky things get, we all still have SO much to be thankful for. Our lists should be miles long.
(If not miles long, we can atleast grasp at thankfulness for clear skin once in a while.) :)
so... what are you thankful for today??
During the day, I thank God for lots of little things.
I amused myself the other day when I casually thanked God that my skin had been clear for a while.... but the next day I had two zits.
Other folks are thankful for things too:
Some are thankful for marriages... but they end up broken... or end unexpectedly.
Some are thankful for health...but it deteriorates.
Some are thankful for babies...but then there are miscarriages.
The list goes on and on. People are thankful for alot of things and then their hopes and plans are crushed. Many may say, "how can anyone be thankful to a God who allows terrible things to happen?"
I have witnessed folks, in the above situations, who have had very thankful hearts. They looked into the situation and still found something to be thankful for.
I was listening to the song 'Thank You' by 33 Miles today and I thought to myself "How could anyone NOT be thankful?"
They sing, "What if I lost everything that I had, I could smile and somehow still be glad, and say thank you."
It's true. I think that no matter how sucky things get, we all still have SO much to be thankful for. Our lists should be miles long.
(If not miles long, we can atleast grasp at thankfulness for clear skin once in a while.) :)
so... what are you thankful for today??
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
another one...
today, I sat and watched my youngest, follow his brother off of the diving board. And SWIM!
Another day full of smiles for me :-)
Two kids who can ride bikes... skate... and swim.
just lovely!
Another day full of smiles for me :-)
Two kids who can ride bikes... skate... and swim.
just lovely!
Monday, July 20, 2009
the proud parent
A trip to Funquest reminded me what it's like to be a proud parent.
The last time L donned a pair of skates, the clumsy slipping lasted for one trip around the rink and then he gave up.
Tonight, D suggested that L try out rollerblades because D had learned to use them quickly after learning to skate.
To my surprise, L put on the rollerblades and rolled!! I've heard from the kids that the rollerblades were easier to skate with.... but WOW... he was skating instantly. And not simply skating. This kid was bending to touch his toes, hopping, and dancing around the rink! He beamed when he realized that he could do it. And I beamed over the fact that he has learned another one of those "life skills" (like riding a bike). Finally another "big kid" activity that we can do as a family.
I am loving it.
I am always amazed at the boys' fearlessness. They just DO things. (Often not thinking about the consequences, good or bad.) But it also seems like they don't consider the chance of failure. Do kids assume that they will succeed? And if so... when do we loose that optimism?
I would like to think that I am moving ahead with confidence... but I find myself second guessing alot of things. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fail? What if I'm rejected?
ahhh.... to be a kid again...
I'd love to be able to roll.... and dance again without being afraid of failure.
Isn't that what God would like to see me do?!
The last time L donned a pair of skates, the clumsy slipping lasted for one trip around the rink and then he gave up.
Tonight, D suggested that L try out rollerblades because D had learned to use them quickly after learning to skate.
To my surprise, L put on the rollerblades and rolled!! I've heard from the kids that the rollerblades were easier to skate with.... but WOW... he was skating instantly. And not simply skating. This kid was bending to touch his toes, hopping, and dancing around the rink! He beamed when he realized that he could do it. And I beamed over the fact that he has learned another one of those "life skills" (like riding a bike). Finally another "big kid" activity that we can do as a family.
I am loving it.
I am always amazed at the boys' fearlessness. They just DO things. (Often not thinking about the consequences, good or bad.) But it also seems like they don't consider the chance of failure. Do kids assume that they will succeed? And if so... when do we loose that optimism?
I would like to think that I am moving ahead with confidence... but I find myself second guessing alot of things. What if I make the wrong decision? What if I fail? What if I'm rejected?
ahhh.... to be a kid again...
I'd love to be able to roll.... and dance again without being afraid of failure.
Isn't that what God would like to see me do?!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
11 months
The boys enjoyed swimming lessons, we all had a visit with the dentist today, I went to a scrapbooking event tonight and I just enjoyed a really late night chat with my sister.
I've had a great day.
We've been so busy, I haven't really had time to think about this day... until now.
I happened to replace my bathroom handsoap today.... with my favorite smell from Bath and Body Works, Midnight Pomegranate.
I've used this fragrance of soap for well over a year... but every once in a while, I'll wash my hands and have an accute flashback to those days following Thayer's death. In those first few days, I was only alone if I was in the bathroom. I would often retreat to the bathroom if I needed a moment away from the crowd. I can remember sitting on the toilet and staring at a certain corner in the room... wondering if it was all just a bad dream. I can remember focusing on that particular corner and thinking "this can't be happening... This IS happening."
The soap will still whisper a reminder of those moments. I would wake early, get myself ready for the day and wander around the yard or the house. I remember one morning when I went and sat with my neighbor on her porch, just to grasp at a bit of normalcy.
I can remember getting dressed and ready for a trip to the funeral home, for Thayer's service and for my friend's fiance's funeral.
(wow. How'd I manage two funerals in one week?! God sure held me together, no doubt.)
Gee, I know that we've discussed the importance of smells in the past... but who would think that an everyday handsoap could "take me back" with just a whiff?
interesting stuff.
It's still my favorite soap.
I've had a great day.
We've been so busy, I haven't really had time to think about this day... until now.
I happened to replace my bathroom handsoap today.... with my favorite smell from Bath and Body Works, Midnight Pomegranate.
I've used this fragrance of soap for well over a year... but every once in a while, I'll wash my hands and have an accute flashback to those days following Thayer's death. In those first few days, I was only alone if I was in the bathroom. I would often retreat to the bathroom if I needed a moment away from the crowd. I can remember sitting on the toilet and staring at a certain corner in the room... wondering if it was all just a bad dream. I can remember focusing on that particular corner and thinking "this can't be happening... This IS happening."
The soap will still whisper a reminder of those moments. I would wake early, get myself ready for the day and wander around the yard or the house. I remember one morning when I went and sat with my neighbor on her porch, just to grasp at a bit of normalcy.
I can remember getting dressed and ready for a trip to the funeral home, for Thayer's service and for my friend's fiance's funeral.
(wow. How'd I manage two funerals in one week?! God sure held me together, no doubt.)
Gee, I know that we've discussed the importance of smells in the past... but who would think that an everyday handsoap could "take me back" with just a whiff?
interesting stuff.
It's still my favorite soap.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
I miss Thayer
I miss having Thayer here to make the decisions.
I miss Thayer telling me to chill out about things.
I miss Thayer telling me to go to bed when it's too late.
I miss Thayer keeping my feet warm.
I miss Thayer telling me to chill out about things.
I miss Thayer telling me to go to bed when it's too late.
I miss Thayer keeping my feet warm.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
beach trip #1
We just returned from a much needed vacation to Ocean Isle Beach, NC .... and to visit with Thayer's family in SC. We enjoyed a week and a half of friends, family and fun. yay!!
(D and L)
("Roy" C and me)
It's been a bit of an adjustment with re-entry. I miss having the late night Scrabble games, the laughter, the constant company, and Coleman's punch. :)
It was SO nice to kick back with friends at the beach and relax!! Our group consisted of 5 adults and 7 kids. I wasn't quite sure what to expect because I was the only common factor amongst the group. I was THRILLED that my individual friends actually liked each other and we had a terrific time!!
There were only minor break-downs among the children... but largely overall... they played together beautifully.
I couldn't have asked for a better week!
(D and L)I keep telling myself that we deserve a good summer this year. Don't get me wrong.... most of last summer was amazing... we shared precious moments with Thayer last June and July. But Thayer's death obviously tarnished our memories of Summer '08. I am aiming to make Summer '09 full of GOOD memories! Atleast to really enjoy the moments that we have...
(me and S.... and Thad's muscles...)
I loved hanging out with my girls!
(J and me)
(she really deserves a good summer too!)
And I think the guys had fun too!!
It was a great group of folks!
("Roy" C and me)GOOD TIMES!!!! I'm counting down till next year!
photos by S... thanks for being our photographer!
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
just me
written july 6th....
Alrighty. So I’ve been a blog slacker. I’ve thought about blogging here and there but I didn’t really have the time or the patience to start composing. We’ve had a wonderful beach vacation and we are currently visiting with in-laws in South Carolina. I’m sure I have several stories to share. But I honestly don’t know where to start. Let’s see what I can come up with…
I was recently told , in so many words, that my blogs don’t seem to represent the “Jill” that people see in everyday life. I agree with that observation but I am also bit disheartened that people close to me can see a “difference” in what I write… and who I am. I certainly don’t want people to think of me as hypocritical or false.
Those of you who know me… know that I am usually very sarcastic, very goofy, very blunt, often rude, and often irritable. I apologize if my blogs have not portrayed me as such. I need to be clear here that I am far from perfect (as most of you know too well!). I should probably share more stories of my tainted heart with you in future blogs….so you can have a fuller understanding of me.
The fact is, I tend to blog late at night… when I have a “free moment” to really think about life. When I am alone, I have the chance to really decipher what my heart is saying…. Not being distracted by the everyday junk that clutters my head. The things that I blog about are often things that I would rarely bring up in conversation. A lot of my “heart” thoughts aren’t easily brought up in casual conversations. And if we are honest…. We all rarely share our “heart” thoughts with others. Our society in general tends to focus on the outward things and most conversations on the street don’t cater to thoughts about life and death and God.
I am happy to say that I have had thoughtful conversations with some of you and I have appreciated some of the talks that we have shared about our faith and beliefs. And if I were as convicted as I should be… more of my conversations would intentionally include my “heart” thoughts.
Now… the spiritual side of me is screaming as I type this. How can I talk my way out of this? How can I claim that I have my “heart” thoughts late at night? How can I claim that I think good things about God and life only when it’s quiet?? Isn’t my behavior during the day supposed to be a direct reflection of my heart?! And doesn’t my daily life portray a dark and ugly heart?
Boy, that is convicting.
Those are all great questions that I just can’t answer in a convincing way.
Perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite. Perhaps my daily life does not reflect the life that I would like to have. It’s been a challenge to be the person that God is molding me to be. I DO know that God has taught me really cool things over the past months. And I have grown leaps and bounds spiritually throughout my time of grieving and loss. My daily life has been a mess but what I share in my blogs are a glimpse of what I am learning… or at least trying to learn.
During construction projects, Thayer used to always say, “It always gets worse before it gets better”. So let’s just say that I am a work in progress…
Alrighty. So I’ve been a blog slacker. I’ve thought about blogging here and there but I didn’t really have the time or the patience to start composing. We’ve had a wonderful beach vacation and we are currently visiting with in-laws in South Carolina. I’m sure I have several stories to share. But I honestly don’t know where to start. Let’s see what I can come up with…
I was recently told , in so many words, that my blogs don’t seem to represent the “Jill” that people see in everyday life. I agree with that observation but I am also bit disheartened that people close to me can see a “difference” in what I write… and who I am. I certainly don’t want people to think of me as hypocritical or false.
Those of you who know me… know that I am usually very sarcastic, very goofy, very blunt, often rude, and often irritable. I apologize if my blogs have not portrayed me as such. I need to be clear here that I am far from perfect (as most of you know too well!). I should probably share more stories of my tainted heart with you in future blogs….so you can have a fuller understanding of me.
The fact is, I tend to blog late at night… when I have a “free moment” to really think about life. When I am alone, I have the chance to really decipher what my heart is saying…. Not being distracted by the everyday junk that clutters my head. The things that I blog about are often things that I would rarely bring up in conversation. A lot of my “heart” thoughts aren’t easily brought up in casual conversations. And if we are honest…. We all rarely share our “heart” thoughts with others. Our society in general tends to focus on the outward things and most conversations on the street don’t cater to thoughts about life and death and God.
I am happy to say that I have had thoughtful conversations with some of you and I have appreciated some of the talks that we have shared about our faith and beliefs. And if I were as convicted as I should be… more of my conversations would intentionally include my “heart” thoughts.
Now… the spiritual side of me is screaming as I type this. How can I talk my way out of this? How can I claim that I have my “heart” thoughts late at night? How can I claim that I think good things about God and life only when it’s quiet?? Isn’t my behavior during the day supposed to be a direct reflection of my heart?! And doesn’t my daily life portray a dark and ugly heart?
Boy, that is convicting.
Those are all great questions that I just can’t answer in a convincing way.
Perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite. Perhaps my daily life does not reflect the life that I would like to have. It’s been a challenge to be the person that God is molding me to be. I DO know that God has taught me really cool things over the past months. And I have grown leaps and bounds spiritually throughout my time of grieving and loss. My daily life has been a mess but what I share in my blogs are a glimpse of what I am learning… or at least trying to learn.
During construction projects, Thayer used to always say, “It always gets worse before it gets better”. So let’s just say that I am a work in progress…
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