written july 6th....
Alrighty. So I’ve been a blog slacker. I’ve thought about blogging here and there but I didn’t really have the time or the patience to start composing. We’ve had a wonderful beach vacation and we are currently visiting with in-laws in South Carolina. I’m sure I have several stories to share. But I honestly don’t know where to start. Let’s see what I can come up with…
I was recently told , in so many words, that my blogs don’t seem to represent the “Jill” that people see in everyday life. I agree with that observation but I am also bit disheartened that people close to me can see a “difference” in what I write… and who I am. I certainly don’t want people to think of me as hypocritical or false.
Those of you who know me… know that I am usually very sarcastic, very goofy, very blunt, often rude, and often irritable. I apologize if my blogs have not portrayed me as such. I need to be clear here that I am far from perfect (as most of you know too well!). I should probably share more stories of my tainted heart with you in future blogs….so you can have a fuller understanding of me.
The fact is, I tend to blog late at night… when I have a “free moment” to really think about life. When I am alone, I have the chance to really decipher what my heart is saying…. Not being distracted by the everyday junk that clutters my head. The things that I blog about are often things that I would rarely bring up in conversation. A lot of my “heart” thoughts aren’t easily brought up in casual conversations. And if we are honest…. We all rarely share our “heart” thoughts with others. Our society in general tends to focus on the outward things and most conversations on the street don’t cater to thoughts about life and death and God.
I am happy to say that I have had thoughtful conversations with some of you and I have appreciated some of the talks that we have shared about our faith and beliefs. And if I were as convicted as I should be… more of my conversations would intentionally include my “heart” thoughts.
Now… the spiritual side of me is screaming as I type this. How can I talk my way out of this? How can I claim that I have my “heart” thoughts late at night? How can I claim that I think good things about God and life only when it’s quiet?? Isn’t my behavior during the day supposed to be a direct reflection of my heart?! And doesn’t my daily life portray a dark and ugly heart?
Boy, that is convicting.
Those are all great questions that I just can’t answer in a convincing way.
Perhaps I am a bit of a hypocrite. Perhaps my daily life does not reflect the life that I would like to have. It’s been a challenge to be the person that God is molding me to be. I DO know that God has taught me really cool things over the past months. And I have grown leaps and bounds spiritually throughout my time of grieving and loss. My daily life has been a mess but what I share in my blogs are a glimpse of what I am learning… or at least trying to learn.
During construction projects, Thayer used to always say, “It always gets worse before it gets better”. So let’s just say that I am a work in progress…
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About Me
- Jill
- I was suddenly widowed in 2008 and was a solo parent to my two boys for nearly 9 years. I was remarried to my husband, Greg, in 2017. It's safe to say that the past years have been quite a journey for our family. It has been a blessing to see how God has written our story and been our provider.
6 comments:
Wow Jill- what insight...I have to agree. But who doesn’t manufacture their personalities for the purpose of web-sharing? I think its a common practice. Facebook is a publicist- showing the glossy pretty side of our lives... while journals tend to capture the darkest thoughts, our doubts and fears... who we really are is somewhere in between...It takes a lot of courage to admit that and try to confront the "hypocrisy". I've erased blogs that felt too personal or detached from my manufactured image.
That being said- I'm glad you had a great vacation! I hope we can see each other again soon.
Wow! You know, I never really thought of any of that. I do find myself blogging when my heart is low and need to get things off my chest and it usually comes out hard and harsh. It's an outlet really. I NEED to get it out SOMEHOW and my blog is that outlet. Of course, I don't have many people read my blog, so I usually don't even worry about what is on my heart! :) I find on facebook, I sensor what I write on my status. Life in general isn't easy. You NEED an outlet to vent and get things out whether good or bad or you will just go insane! Believe me! The "real" me is very shy and stays to the shadows. Unless you know me and I too am very sarcastic often pretty crazy and most times biting my kids heads off. But I try to learn from the things God throws at me. I don't think ANYONE has "heart" conversations with others unless they REALLY know that person.
Keep writing what is on your heart and mind. I love reading. I love reading that I'm not the only Mom with Crazy boys! ;)
I have to remind myself often that my blog is for ME. It's public, and if others benefit, then great. But really it's for my own self-exploration. You may feel totally differently about it. But try not to over-analyze the whole thing. You are great and your blog is great too. Just keep writing. We are used in many ways and many places and we don't even know it sometimes.xo
I happen to like the fact that you write things in your blog that are different from what you might actually say. I feel that it helps me get to know the "real" you better. Not many of us have been through the specific tumult you've been through, so it's good to be able to bring up things in a conversation that you've blogged about, but might not simply say. Like the fact that you cried yourself to sleep...you'd seem a little strange if you just blurted that out while talking.
And on the subject of faith-- you've got it, sister. I personally have never seen you step off the solid foundation you have with Christ. Throughout this time I've known you, you've never said or done anything contrary to your beliefs. Isn't that what we can all hope for? It's great that you want to continue growing- b/c that's what God wants- and you have a great ministry with your blog. Don't be afraid to use it.
Lisa Tibbs
Who is anyone to say we are? We are many things and have many facets. I am certainly not the person at home that I am at work. By getting out what is in our minds and our heart we are growing as people and in our relationships with each other and with GOD. Do not let anyone make you question what is in your heart or your head. They are both parts of you. Parts of you that are neither exact nor perfect.
Jill,
I am so thankful that you do blog. Despite working together 5 days a week, 9 months of the year I realize that we have many constraints to our conversations i.e. little ones arriving and needing us non-stop!!! So near the end of my day it helps me to catch up with where you're at and I do learn so much from you sharing. I love how you are so open in your blog. I love how you call things like they are at work when I'm forever second-guessing myself! You are REAL, not perfect (there's a surprise!), someone who is being authentic in working through your grief and feelings and growing in your faith. I think you are an inspiration to us all who so readily hide a lot of what matters to us. I am so glad God has placed in in my life. See you soon.
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