Wednesday night

Just a little treat

For those of you who have been following the drama ;)

back to work

I think I remember telling someone the other day that once I was done reading the Twilight series that I'd "get back to grieving". At the time, I was joking.... but now... that's pretty much true.
I stayed busy reading those books and periodically escaped from reality.
Tonight, I am bookless and once again grieving Thayer's absence.

this sucks.
but I think it's good for me to face reality again.

I'm sad and unmotivated tonight.
looks like the kids will be buying school lunch tomorrow.
:p

happy endings

(If you are currently reading the Twilight series- DO Not read this post. I spoil the ending!)

I've finally finished reading the Twilight series! I loved every minute of reading those long books!!!

My friend, Cathy, had mentioned that she cried at the end of the story. So of course, I wondered what would happen at the end to draw out tears.
And sure enough, I cried too.
I cried because I was upset with the HAPPY Ending!!!
yes, it was a wonderful story- but very unfair.
How is it that two vampires are given a "happily ever after"- Forever... and the future with my husband was so quickly snatched away??!!
Where is MY happily ever after?!
I probably sat for 15 minutes and cried about how I want my little share of their vampire happiness.

But as I sat feeling sorry for myself, I was reminded that this book was a fictitious book about Vampires! Come on Jill... grow a brain. haha.

As I was resurfacing from my fictitious breakdown, I was reminded that I do have my own personal "Edward". His name is Jesus!
I know that this may sound completely blasphemous but hang in here and hear me out!!...
Just think: Jesus loves me WAYYYYYY more than Edward loved Bella.
And in the end, I DO get my happy ending. I can't think of anything better than having an eternity to spend with my Jesus. That's my forever, "happily ever after" !

So even if I were granted a lifetime with someone here on earth, my "forever love" is Jesus.
And that's the real thing... not a fictitious book...but something I can be certain of.

I just felt like I'd share the highlights from my day.

The original plan:
To accompany D on his school field trip to Natural Bridge, to go walking with a friend after dinner, and to come home and devote some time to Bible study with the kids.
Ahhh.... nice day, right?!

What actually transpired:

*I accompanied D on his field trip to Natural bridge... but we were joined by cold wind and rain. (not pleasant)

*We made it home and I did a little science experiment with L (that was a nice thing)

*I actually made dinner (take note!!)...

*but left my kids at the table to run across the street to call 911 for my ailing friend (whew. that got my heartrate up! And I felt so helpless! Please pray for her quick recovery from the ickies)

*A landscaping friend came by to plant my tree (another unexpected event... but a good one)

*I got around to washing the dinner dishes and got the kids to do their homework and take showers. (very productive...)

*By this time, it was after 8pm and L put himself to bed.... inside the frame of one of these. Seriously weird. (not to mention the fact that he slept underneath the bed at a friends house last week...)

*Then, to top it all off.... D decides that he wants to start working on The Healing Book. That totally took me by surprise. I couldn't help but to cry as I sat next to him on the couch and watched him work through some of the pages. This is the first time he has shared some of his thoughts with me about Thayer's death.

So... not really a bad day at all... just a really emotionally packed day. I think I've felt just about every range of emotion that there is today. I'm pretty exhausted.
During the unexpected moments, I remember thinking "wow... God really IS so unpredictable..." He can take an ordinary day and turn it into something totally unexpected. I continue to learn this fact and I think I'm getting just slightly better at going with the flow. Ya just never know what's going to happen next.

circus

well... atleast I can say that I have been.
SMc... thanks so much for inviting us. It was fun!
The performance aspect of the circus was amazing. The motorcycles and the tightrope guys were pretty thrilling. And the elephants were adorable!!

But I could certainly have done without the "mom, mom, mom, mom, can I have $5? just $5? I want a balloon... just $5... we'll share it and keep it forever!" over and over like a really bad skip in a CD.
ugh.

Everything else was great except a brief moment when I almost "lost it" over a box of popcorn.
L and I had gone out of the tent to purchase 2 hotdogs, a snow cone and a box of popcorn. We received the food and I walked over to a little side stand, set the popcorn down, and put ketchup on the hotdogs. We went back inside to find our seats when I realized that I had forgotten to pick up the popcorn!!!!!... (which D had specifically requested!). L and I ran back out in hopes of getting the box before someone else took off with it. But it was GONE when we got there. :(
I was SO disappointed with myself! $5 down the drain and I couldn't go back to D without his dinner! So I got in line to purchase another $5 box of popcorn while I was damning myself for doing something so stupid.
As we approached the front of the line, I realized that there was a sprinkle of popcorn where I had left the box and then I realized that there was a trash can beside the table. As I peered over the side.... Lo and Behold.... there was our popcorn... pretty much still intact. :)
so....yep...I jumped out of line and snatched the box right out of the trash. I got a few looks from the other folks in line but I didn't care. $5 saved and I was feeling accomplished!

After the show, we made it home and did our normal night stuff.
L wasn't settled until about 9:30. At that point, he calls me into his room and shares with me his deepest thoughts.
It has pretty much been decided that when he is done with 2nd grade, he will be going to "tightrope school" .
(and amazingly, there are lots of circus schools out there! I just spent some time googling them!)
Since he realized that he will be traveling with the circus after his training, he has promised to write me everyday. And when Mr. Q dies, he is going to mail me a circus dog... and a hoop. He will make sure that the dog is trained well. and that it can jump through a flaming hoop if I need it to.
He was originally going to mail me an elephant but he wasn't sure if there was a mail truck big enough. :-)

We had a great chat about his future plans of circus life.
And honestly, I think he'd make a great tightrope guy.
Who knows? maybe he has found his calling...
but I just don't know what I'd do with the dog...

wired

I just had a amazing visit with friends in C-ville over the past few days. It was so relaxing and refreshing!! Thanks to all of my wonderful friends who are so hospitable!! I like feeling right at home... (maybe even better than home) ;)

-April 16th marked 8 months since Thayer's death. It was very helpful being around friends on that day.
I knew what day it was... but I was having too much fun to really dwell on it.
Over the past few days, it was nice to be around people who knew Thayer and still talk freely about him.
I thought of Thayer often as I contemplated all of the struggles that our friends are currently dealing with. I remembered a time when we were all much happier.

The boys and I headed back to town this afternoon just in time for me to re-pack their bags and take them to spend the evening with my parents.
I went to work the concessions at the Pulse concert (benefiting the Blue Ridge Pregnancy Center). I had a great time. So much fun that I managed to consume three sodas containing caffeine between the hours of 5 and 11pm.
For those of you who know me... that was probably a bad idea on my part.
I've got a million things running through my mind at this moment.

-Right now (it's midnight....don't let the time of the post confuse you... I need to get that fixed)
I am completely wired. I've started a load of laundry, I'm checking blogs, checking email, folding clothes, getting ready to take a shower and snuggle in to continue reading Breaking Dawn (the fourth book! and I'm loving it!)

-I forget how much I enjoy concerts.... anyone interested in helping me promote an Andrew Peterson concert in the future?? I've always toyed with idea of getting him back in Lynchburg.

-We've had a marvelous spring break and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be our last day of freedom!
-I can't wait until summer!!

those little reminders

I often get caught off-guard by little reminders that Thayer is no longer with us... that I'm really a "single" now... not "couple".

Our Virginia tax refund came in the mail the other day.
(We've always opted to have checks sent to us... since I really enjoy getting mail) :-)

I got around to opening the check today so I could deposit it. As I looked at my lone name on the check, I sat... kind of taken aback to see just MY name. It felt like such an official slap in the face... that I'm not part of a greater entity anymore. I'm no longer the side kick to the primary person. I'm just me. Not a wife... not part of a couple. Just me.

I feel like Robin without Batman.
I'm really sad about that.
I miss him.

Spring Break!!

It's been marvelous so far. I have slept late for several days and I love not having to tote people to school, or go to work.
Ahhhh.... a small hint of what summer may be for us!

Our few days of freedom have reminded me what my first job will be this summer. I will certainly be unhooking our cable as soon as school lets out in June. These couch potatos that I live with have been getting up super early and watching TV while I snooze away until 9am. I'm pretty sure that their brains will officially be mush when we head back to school next monday.

On a brighter note:
We enjoyed a super day visiting friends in Roanoke on Monday. It was a wonderful day. I LOVE to be able to sit and chat with my dear friend while the kids run rampant in other areas of the house. And amazingly... this group of boys rarely get hurt while playing together. :-)
(R.... I am So thankful that you talk openly about Thayer and always ask great questions. I really appreciate our talks!!)

We've got more plans this week to visit with friends. Can't wait to catch up with folks!!

Easter

Well... forget the last post.
Tears have come. Off and on... as I had predicted.

My 10 year anniversary wasn't as bad as I had imagined. With ALL credit given to my amazing friends who bombarded me with emails, cards and phone calls. I am really blessed to have SO many people who care!
I've also kept amazingly busy over the past few days.
We spent some time with dear friends on Friday night. And I was blessed by an unexpected visit from a C-ville friend.
I have been surrounded by great people and great conversation. :-)

I was pleasantly surprised when I received an email from Thayer's aunt. She notified me that Thayer's family had secured a gift certificate at a local nursery so that I could pick out a tree in memory of our anniversary. I was really touched by her sentiments and I am still in awe at such a thoughtful gift.
My Dad and I went to the nursery yesterday and brought home a gorgeous Redbud tree.

I had quickly decided that the Redbud was the perfect tree because...
When Thayer and I returned from our honeymoon I remember that it was the first time that I had actually noticed the redbuds. We were both amazed at how the redbuds were so beautiful as they dotted the sides of the Virginia highways. We wondered why they were called redbuds when they were clearly a pretty purple.
And every April since then... we have each made comments about the redbuds...remembering the season of our wedding, but also just commenting about how beautiful those redbuds are.
They easily became our favorite trees :-)
And I am super excited to be able to plant one in our yard and to be able to remember Thayer as we watch it grow and mature.

Speaking of maturing... (and drastically changing the subject)...
I wish my poor kids would mature!! They were horrible at church today. I am quite sick of the fact that they suck the joy right out of me on Sunday mornings. And today being Easter... I really thought that they would give me a break. ha. I thought wrong. Just when I get excited about going to church and singing praises... those punks whine and complain about everything. Today, one of them acted like a monkey on crack (or maybe just a kid on sugar) and the other one acted like he was tired and proceeded to lay down and fake-sleep. I am so frustrated with them.... ugh.
So, instead of riding bikes, going to the movies, or playing with the neighbors.... these kids have earned several hours of quiet time in their rooms.

I'm off to have a few moments of quiet as well...

dry eyes

I shared with some friends tonight that I haven't really cried in a week or more. (that I can remember)
This has been odd to me.
I should be glad that I am not wallowing in misery...and perhaps I am moving along with my healing.... but at the same time I am wondering if I am trying to conceal my thoughts or avoid the obvious.
I dunno.
I'm finding it hard to think about Thayer or focus on his absence.
I tend to move my thoughts to my "to do" list. And the kids have been keeping me super busy these days.

My ten year anniversary is approaching on Friday and I don't know if I am subconsciously repressing my thoughts on the subject. I keep thinking that it could possibly be a tough day for me. I just don't know what to expect...

I'm pretty sure that I have overthought the whole thing and that the anticipation of the date is probably worse then the actual day will be.

And I get tickled with myself as I realize that I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself.... I'm such a nut :-)

I know that the tears will come and go. And I just continue to take each day at a time.
I'm thankful for the good days :-)

to the curb

I threw the chicken out with our garbage.

one small step for mankind. one giant leap for jill.

:-)

feeling productive

well... I'm not really as productive as I would like to be.
I still can't walk through my kids' rooms and the bathrooms have somehow managed to get dirty again. And I still need to sit and balance my checkbook.

BUT tonight I am celebrating... watching Twilight... as a reward for the fact that I have filed my taxes, kept up with my laundry AND I have managed to catch up on some scrapbooking!

Today I had an entire day of scrapbooking.
(Many thanks to my parents for watching the boys!! )
I was able to get up-to-date with family pictures and I started my "memorial-type" album with photos and info documenting Thayer's death and his memorial service.

I'm sure that creating this memorial book is supposed to be alot more painful for me....and I thought that it would be hard to organize it today. But truthfully, I was just focused on getting it done. I didn't allow myself time to think about the significance of the items that I was attaching in the book. I even joked about how the pages with the newspaper article and obituary looked gloomy.
I can't guarantee that when it's completed that I won't feel differently .... when I actually read it all. But for now, I just want to accurately portray items so that the kids will have documentation of the events that have dramatically changed their lives.

alrighty. I went out tonight with some of my other favorite people ;) and I was accused of not blogging enough. So- to appease my loyal audience (both of you) I have decided to simply sit here and share some of my recent ponderings.

I intially wanted to share my thoughts about my recent trip to McDonalds where I realized that all of the other patrons were rather overweight. I can see where I'm heading if I keep eating out.... and the thought of me at the beach this summer is frightening.

But... I'll save those cheerful thoughts for another post. ;)

I think I'll share my deep thoughts on love. haha.

As you know... I've been reading the Twilight series. And any "older" person that enjoys these books surely thinks, "ahhh...wouldn't it be great to be young and in love again...."
And as no surprise to you, I don't have a chance at the "young" part.
But I've got a bit of hope for the "love" part.

I was extremely blessed to have fallen in love with the first guy I ever dated. Thayer swept me off of my feet and I've never felt a stronger love for any individual. We would have been celebrating our 10 year anniversary on April 10th.

Unfortunately... I am now alone and I often feel like a confused teenager. Wondering... hoping... praying...is God preparing someone for me? And wondering if I would actually be fortunate enough to have two "Mr. Rights" in one lifetime...
When some people go a lifetime and never find a mate... why would I even hope to find another??

As I sit back and take a mental snapshot of our little family... I can't think of anyone who would want to sign up for this duty. I watch my kids act like maniacs and I see myself on a single mom rollercoaster... I am reminded that we are damaged goods. I'm pretty sure that men won't be lined up at our door ready to adopt a family of wackos. :-)

I've shared with many of you that I hate to think that God would want me to be alone for the next 50 or 60 years.
Not to mention my prayers that the boys could once again have a "dad".
But I am well aware that God may have very different plans for us. And I think that I'm okay if He requires me to go it alone.

In spite of my obvious imperfections, I am relieved to know that God has created something good in me. And this journey has been a very eye opening experience. I am certain that God is preparing me for my future...whatever, and whoever, it may include.

Psalm 71:20

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.