all around

I'm entering my second week of  'freedom' before I start work.   The boys are settling into school and I'm really enjoying the opportunity for time with friends, day trips, drives in the country.
I know that I'm super spoiled.
I'm enjoying every second.
I have filled every hour, that the boys are in school, with people and activity.   My social tank is overflowing.   I have terrific friends.   It's been fabulous catching up with folks.

At the same time, my heart is heavy for many of my friends this week.   I have heard their stories over the summer.... either in person, via Facebook messages, or over the phone. *

It seems that the past several months, more than ever, people I know are REALLY struggling.   Men and women.  Their jobs, marriages, kids, families.   People I love are broken.   It's hard to witness.

I have heard many stories and listened to how people are coping with their difficulties.   Some are coping well, some are not.  
 For most, all I can do is listen and pray.   Some stories have left me speechless.   And believe it or not, I have cried over a few of you people.   (It seems like my Grinch heart is still growing)  ;)

No doubt things are sucky!   For some of you... beyond sucky!
The thing is...I see God at work.... restoring what Satan is trying so hard to destroy.

I've learned a lot about waiting over the years.
 It might take a while, But I know in time.....
 God will bring beauty from the ashes.
I've seen it.   I've witnessed it.  I see it happening with some friends now.   And I know that others will see brighter days in the future.

While we wait.... I pray for them.... For you, in the midst of your struggle.

I love you.  God loves you more.
Hang in there.    You're not alone.




*I must add that I feel honored and blessed that people confide in me.    I have heard many 'deep dark secrets' over the years.    I joke that my mind is a safe.    Things are locked away in there.  Really.... because  I don't have a husband to blab to, and chances are high that I might forget what someone has told me.  :)
But seriously... I don't take it lightly.  Thank you for sharing your life story with me.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

imperfect

The boys and I went shopping for school supplies tonight.
Upon turning in to the Walmart parking lot, I fussed about having to shop on a Saturday night with a zillion other people.   I was going to pay the price for my procrastination.   Just like all the other dummies who waited to shop.
"I didn't used to be like this guys!  I used to have it all together", I said.

And then Daniel said, "but then you turned cool."

I laughed at his statement.  Apparently 'procrastinating, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants' moms are "cool".
I must be the coolest of the cool.

I'm not a total slacker.    But I'm certainly not what I used to be.

Tomorrow marks seven years since Thayer's death.    And I think I am bold enough to say that I'm not the same person I was seven years ago.  (who is?)

I always like to think that I've mellowed out a bit.  That I am more flexible than I used to be.  That I value experiences over 'stuff'.    And I realize that things that used to stress me out were asinine.
I suppose all of those factors have evolved me into "cool".

This is one of those nights that I feel perfect in my imperfections.

end of summer.

Ha.   Summer.   I vaguely remember it.   But it was fast.   Probably the fastest.  Ever.

Rewinding to the start of summer.... Recall that nifty screen time chart that I made?
That was a joke.
And... my goal to drop my last 30 pounds this summer?
Nonsense.   We had way too much fun.  I actually gained 7 pounds.   My "summer weight" as I call it.
And remember how I always rave about my summer sleep schedule?
Well...apparently I'm a grown up now!.... because I was up and moving by 7am most days and on my morning walk by 8am.   hm.


Please don't ask what we did this summer.... because I'm not really sure.   The days were full. There were lots of people.   A few day trips.   A few over night trips.    And everything was tied up nicely last week when we vacationed at Topsail Island with my family.  

We had a great week at the beach!    I think that everyone enjoyed their time together.   I really enjoyed the lack of agenda and being "unplugged" for several days.  I enjoyed watching the boys boogie board and not get eaten by sharks.

I liked being away from reality so much that I didn't want to come home.    Seriously.     I had to pep talk myself all the way home.    The best motivation that I could come up with was that "the cats will be glad to see us".
And they were.

This week is full of appointments and preparations for school.   The boys will be slumming off to 8th and 9th grade on Monday-- while I enjoy a couple of weeks before preschool starts.
As always I am starting to crave our school routine.  This year, mainly for a more predictable eating schedule.    But basically because we all function better on a schedule.

This time of year usually throws me for a curve.   With the start of school and work, as well as remembering Thayer's death anniversary and his birthday.   Everything kinda gets smashed in there together.

I was starting to feel anxious today.   With all of that stuff on my mind a new concern popped up.

 (Not sure if I have written about this before, but Mr. Q was diagnosed with cancer this past January.)   The vet told me a "few months".   I figured that he would be gone before we had our beach vacation.   I had pictured a summer to grieve the death of our cat.    Amazingly.... he's still here.
Just yesterday I realized that his tumor has grown.   And then it hit me that this fall might be our season to grieve.   I'm not prepared for that.   I'm not prepared for missing work, and school, to bury a cat.   I'm not prepared for this kind of thing to happen on top of everything else that this season brings.  Our schedule is too full to add death.
ha.  I sound so absurd.  Who's ever ready for death?

Though I have been praying that God will take Mr. Q sooner than later. (and that I won't have to make the decision).
Lucas is still wishing we could help Mr. Q.... and I have repeatedly explained that Mr. Q is dying.  

wow.   This is gonna be so hard.

whew.  deep breath.
We never know what tomorrow will bring.
I just hope we make it smoothly through the next few weeks.