14 years

Here we go.... my yearly update and thoughts about Thayer's death anniversary.   Yesterday marked 14 years.  I was ready to blog, I was ready to do some computer projects, I was ready to do something.... but I couldn't.  My attention span was short yesterday.  I couldn't really get myself to do anything.   I have always thought that my body knows when these dates are here.  

Today I made myself have an official "lunch break" and watch a movie before I started with my to-do list.   I managed to watch an entire movie about a cat that becomes a guy, and then goes back to being a cat.  It was just as bizarre and weird as it sounds.   But I actually sat through it.   Most movies I set out to watch take me 3 or more hours to finish because I get highly distracted by piddling around the house or tending to chores.   This one... I watched through in one sitting.  Not sure if that's a good- or bad-sign of my mental health.

As of now, I've caught up on some computer chores and I'm sitting to think about what I should have written yesterday.

The entire life and death thing has become rather ordinary since I've worked at the funeral home.  Death is never wanted.... but I've learned to accept it.   I learned a lot about death when Thayer died; and as I age, it's even more "expected" (if that's the right word).   
We're all on borrowed time.  

What matters is how we spend that time.

Thayer's time was short, but no doubt he spent his time well.   I will always admire him for the time he invested in family and friends, the time he spent helping others, and the hard work he put in, daily, to better himself and those around him.

This all makes me consider how I'm spending my own time.

I recently decided to try to cut back my screen time on my phone.  My goal is 30 minutes/day.   However I'm still averaging just under 2 hours.    Certainly a work in progress. 
I did some math and realized that spending 2 hours a day looking at a screen equals THIRTY (30) DAYS of a year.  If we do the math with waking hours.... it's over FORTY-FIVE DAYS!   Holy cow.... an entire MONTH, or more, of a YEAR completely evaporated.  
This has been a wake up call for me.   

(Granted.... watching a movie about a cat-guy isn't the best alternative) 

I hope to be more intentional with my time so that one day someone will say..... "she lived her life well".   

Proverbs 27:1 Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.

Today is our day.   Make the most of it.

important dates

Greg's super power is remembering dates.   He can recall dates of occassions, he can recall dates that movies and music were released.   He has a "Rain Man" type of recollection for dates and numbers.

I, on the otherhand, do NOT.   There are only several dates that I can easily recall.

1977, born

1995, graduated HS

1999, married to Thayer

2000, first child

2002, second child

2004, moved away from town

2007 moved back to town

2008 Thayer died

2017 Married to Greg

In the past I have always documented my thoughts about getting older, as well as my thoughts each year around Thayer's death....basically to remember how old I am and to keep my memory in check.

This year the dates came and went and I wanted to write.   I wanted to write about being 43..... to write about 12 years without Thayer.... and how he would have been 50 this year.     

 I did not write.

Who would have thought this would be such a distracting year.   And such a pivotal year in so many ways.

2020. We will remember this year.

2020.  I turned 43.   

2020.  Thayer has been gone 12 years. Still seems so surreal.   

(2008 will always be my most pivotal year.)

2020.  I left my job of 13 years to pursue a fast food job.   I was told by a co-worker that it is a "young person's job".    (I can feel that, for sure.)    And who would have guessed that I would be in a new "career" at age 43.

2020 could not have been predicted by ANY of us back in 2015.   I can imagine this year has thrown those "5 year planners" for a huge loop.  

What's your 5 year plan?

 I find that question impossible to ponder over.   So much can happen in five years.   So much can happen.... in an instant.

I'm sure God giggles at our plans.... maybe even belly laughs.

This year has certainly been a doozy.   We'll just add it to our list of memorable dates and pray that we'll have many more.

God's plan for us is perfect....even when we are not.

 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.

James 4:13-16

If I had spoken

Our church has a Thanksgiving service each year when they allow the folks in the audience to stand up and speak briefly about things they are thankful for.   Every year I have a million things I could share... if I wasn't terrified about speaking in front of people.

The obvious blessing this year has been getting to know Greg.  

If I had stood up and mentioned that I was in love with a good man.... it would have sounded as though my life were finally 'fixed' because I met a guy.  

But it is SO much more than that.

Last spring I was compelled to sit down with Greg and share my 'story' with him.  

The theme of my story is that God has been my Provider.   

As a young wife and mother, as a widow, as a single mom.... God has continually provided.   I can look back at months and years,and even specific days and circumstances, in which God's provision materialized perfectly.      This happened most often through the people that God placed in our lives. People either stayed, or came and went... but I could see how God used them in my life at just the right time.

So this thanksgiving when I want to shout about how happy I am ...  (because yes, I am SO in love).... I pause.... and remember that my happiness is not rooted in man.  

It is God's provision and perfect timing that I am most thankful for.     

God's timing is always right, every time.    

My story is still being written.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

in time

Everything happens in time.      I looked back at an old blog post this morning.    I wrote a bit about where the boys and I were at that time, in 2013.   I finished the post by writing,

"It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out.  
In time."

I've written so much about timing over the past eight years.   Lots about God's timing, hope, and waiting.  

I've also written a lot about my weightloss journey.   And I just recently realized that is also so much about timing and waiting.    I hit my heaviest weight in october of 2014.     And it's taken me TWO years to finally figure this thing out.   There has been so much tweaking- and growth- with my exercise, so much fussiness over food, so much discussion with friends and family.    And then I realized that I had to be accountable to myself, and myself alone.    So, after two years of trial and error I feel that I've finally got a grip on this weight thing.    I have found the right exercise routine that works for me.  It's a routine that I have grown to look forward to every day.  (and that's something I never thought I would say!)    I want to shout it from the rooftops that this weightloss thing IS possible.  If I can do it... anyone can.    It is 100% mind over matter.     And it takes time.  

In the realm of family, I have noticed that time is of the essence with teenagers.   It has taken time...years...to build a rapport with these boys.   And honestly I still don't have a clue what goes on in their brains.   Every day is a guessing game as to if I'm doing this mom gig correctly.   But over time, I have watched my boys grow and I'm fairly hopeful that they won't need excessive counseling as adults.   Time will tell.

And the "Mr. Right thing" has always been part of the waiting.   I was hopeful that, in time, God would provide a man for our family.    In 2009 I wasn't ready... in 2013 I wrote that I wasn't ready.     

It's been years of waiting for the right time.  The time as a single mom and woman has challenged me....but I think I needed those years to learn about myself, my kids, and to work on healing.
I'm hopeful that this is my time.   My Mr. Right has appeared... I just pray he'll stick around.  Time will tell.

It's been several years of family growth, personal growth, waiting.  

It's nice to kick back and see some things come to fruition.

God will make things work out in time.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

times are changing

not really.    Things are eerily staying the same around here.

 But that recent time change has totally thrown me for a loop.   I feel like I'm ready for bed by dinnertime.    It feels SO late by then.   

Tonight we waited for, what seemed like an eternity, for Daniel's guitar teacher to arrive for a lesson. He arrived in the concealment of deep, dark night..... at 6pm.    

(Shout out to Lynchburg Guitar Lessons!!  Patrick has been so accommodating! )

I know that I will eventually get used to the shift in daylight, because I always have.  But this week has been tough.    The nights seem to linger forever.    

I can understand why people suffer from that seasonal depression stuff.   

 I am by no means depressed.... but just yawny.  very yawny.

I've wanted to write lately but I'm fresh out of interesting.    

I recently ventured online to have my blog posts from 2012-2013 printed and bound.   I get so giddy when I receive a fresh book, of my words, in the mail.    I can't wait to thumb through it and feel like I'm "published".   I know I wrote about this previously.... but I'm thrilled to be able to share my memories with my boys this way.     One day, when I'm old, and forgetful  (eh, any day now) I know that I'll enjoy reading back through our years.

anywho.

I've spent a bit of time this week watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix.    I was told to watch it.... (thanks, Katie)....so I felt obliged. 

First of all.... I am not a football fan.... so the first few episodes were VERY difficult to get through.   But now I'm hooked.   Basically caught by the character who has become paralyzed.   I'm only 8 or 9 episodes in but I want to know how he moves along his journey.   And I've enjoyed watching the romances unfold.   (Then again, I'm totally creeped out that we get a kick out of watching tv highschoolers make-out.)  They get more action than I've had in years.   boo!

Whew.

random. random.

such is life.

taking our time

It's been a good kind of uneventful over the past month.    Atleast for the three of us.

We are surrounded with news of deaths, sickness, loss of jobs, and a whole lot of shitty stuff.

 Just for a while, I want to sit in my little ordinary bubble with my kids.    I am feeling blessed at the moment, yet a small fraction of me assumes that the other shoe will drop any day.

After five years, the poor lil' widow me has fallen out of the spotlight.    And I'm okay with that.
Every year, I think that I'm getting better and better.   This year I'm feeling stable, but next year I'll probably say I'm even closer to that 'normal' that I long for.
 'normal'.
ha.

-My house is in order. (if you exclude the boys' rooms).
-My yard is in order. The leaves have become a chore, but a rewarding chore. I intend to win.
-My money is in order. I just signed up for an awesome budget program. YNAB. I intend to be a better steward of God's provisions.
-My schedule is in order.  I've learned to cut the extra fluff, yet I'm still busy in lots of good ways.   I'm not sure how all of our days are filled with activity....and my kids don't even play organized sports.  I can't imagine what this solo parenting would look like if they did.   
I count my blessings for now. 

This would be a perfect time for me to start house projects.
This would be a perfect time to buy that house and land in the country.
The boys and I dream.
maybe.
one day.
This would be a perfect time for me to ride off into the sunset with Mr. Right. (and I guess I'd take the kids too).

I drag my feet.
I just want some time to be uneventful.

I drag my feet on moving to the country. (because honestly, who would hang the curtains and hook up the washer and dryer?)
I drag my feet on the house projects because then, chances are, I'd meet someone and we'd move.
Am I really ready to move?

My friend asked me the other day, "are you really ready to date?".
My answer, "probably not".

It's a great idea.   And if it happens... super! 
I have an uncanny thought that I'll end up with a friend of a friend who has five kids.  I'm still working through the details in my head about how I'll transport them and feed them.

Every time I make a meal and count out three plates from the cabinet I feel a sharp tinge of loss and pain.  That feeling never fades. 
Three is not supposed to be our number.

I threw away an old blanket the other day.  Only to realize- days later -that it reminded Lucas of his Dad. 
He cried.  A lot. 
I cried too. 
I screw up.  A lot.
This moving forward thing is a challenge.
It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out. 
In time.