back in the game

It's been a crazy month.   This is the second night at home after spending 20 days at my parent's house.   (That's no typo.... 20 days).

I've been 'off of my game' since the weekend of Thanksgiving.  

Rewind to the Granny's memorial service which was held the Saturday after Thanksgiving.   We welcomed family to town, and enjoyed meeting a few new faces.
I was asked to read part of my previous blog post at the service.   (and since I'm terrified of public speaking... it went as expected.... shaky voice and all... )   I was honored to share my memories of Granny.   And the memorial was very nice.   I think Granny would have been pleased.

The boys and I were thrilled to spend some time with Thad that Sunday.   We finally hiked Devil's Marble yard.   Well.... technically.... I hiked to Devil's Marble yard and then the boys and Thad proceeded to climb all of those scary boulders.     I apparently have maintained my fear of climbing and my fear of falling.    I was content to sit on a boulder while the boys explored.      (I swear that I heard the cry of a Sasquatch while I was hanging out, but no one believed me).
Anywho.

Dark and early on Monday morning I took Thad to the airport and then proceeded to move out of the house.   

My contractor came to demo both of my bathrooms.      

I had been planning the bathroom renovation and was excited to get 'em done!
The "7-10" day project didn't go quite as planned.    I am beyond grateful to my parents who let us stay with them for the majority of a month!  That is a BIG deal!   Soooo thankful!!

During the extended stay, I realized that I was getting stressed out about things beyond my control.   The tiny details of the bathrooms started to grate at me.     I made realizations that I would do things diffferently if I had to do it again.      

And at the same time I would tell myself that this is SO much a "first world problem".    How dare I freak out about getting new bathrooms?!  How shallow and pathetic.     How many people have the luxury to get new bathrooms?     Reality check, Jill!
I was also freaking out about getting the bathrooms done in time to host two parties on December 20th.    I was freaking out about having to clean the construction dust, paint, clean, AND decorate for Christmas.   My whole month felt like it was spinning out of control.

Then.... my friend posted a very convincing facebook post that reminded me about Christmas.   The real reason.  Jesus.  
Slow down.   Stop freaking out.

In one of my moments of reflection I thought about how Mary, the mother of Jesus, was away from home when she had a baby!   Talk about confusion and stress.   I can imagine that poor girl was 'off her game' when Jesus was born.... being away from home and dealing with labor and a newborn.    whew!
(and then a part of me gets jealous that she had Joseph to help her.  lucky her.)
The thing is.... as soon as Jesus arrived the earth sighed and Mary's perspective shifted.   That baby, Jesus, became the main focus of her life and nothing else mattered.

That's what I tell myself.     "Jesus... top priority."

And yet, today, I found myself getting panicky about shower heads.  Seriously.    crazy.   get a grip.

Tomorrow is a new day.
I'm slowly getting back in my game.   It's been nice settling  in at home and I'm officially beginning my Christmas vacation from work.... so it's all good.

Merry Christmas!

taking our time

It's been a good kind of uneventful over the past month.    Atleast for the three of us.

We are surrounded with news of deaths, sickness, loss of jobs, and a whole lot of shitty stuff.

 Just for a while, I want to sit in my little ordinary bubble with my kids.    I am feeling blessed at the moment, yet a small fraction of me assumes that the other shoe will drop any day.

After five years, the poor lil' widow me has fallen out of the spotlight.    And I'm okay with that.
Every year, I think that I'm getting better and better.   This year I'm feeling stable, but next year I'll probably say I'm even closer to that 'normal' that I long for.
 'normal'.
ha.

-My house is in order. (if you exclude the boys' rooms).
-My yard is in order. The leaves have become a chore, but a rewarding chore. I intend to win.
-My money is in order. I just signed up for an awesome budget program. YNAB. I intend to be a better steward of God's provisions.
-My schedule is in order.  I've learned to cut the extra fluff, yet I'm still busy in lots of good ways.   I'm not sure how all of our days are filled with activity....and my kids don't even play organized sports.  I can't imagine what this solo parenting would look like if they did.   
I count my blessings for now. 

This would be a perfect time for me to start house projects.
This would be a perfect time to buy that house and land in the country.
The boys and I dream.
maybe.
one day.
This would be a perfect time for me to ride off into the sunset with Mr. Right. (and I guess I'd take the kids too).

I drag my feet.
I just want some time to be uneventful.

I drag my feet on moving to the country. (because honestly, who would hang the curtains and hook up the washer and dryer?)
I drag my feet on the house projects because then, chances are, I'd meet someone and we'd move.
Am I really ready to move?

My friend asked me the other day, "are you really ready to date?".
My answer, "probably not".

It's a great idea.   And if it happens... super! 
I have an uncanny thought that I'll end up with a friend of a friend who has five kids.  I'm still working through the details in my head about how I'll transport them and feed them.

Every time I make a meal and count out three plates from the cabinet I feel a sharp tinge of loss and pain.  That feeling never fades. 
Three is not supposed to be our number.

I threw away an old blanket the other day.  Only to realize- days later -that it reminded Lucas of his Dad. 
He cried.  A lot. 
I cried too. 
I screw up.  A lot.
This moving forward thing is a challenge.
It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out. 
In time.

home ownership

Whew!  I  need to chill out.
I had thought I was a pretty chill person.  about most things.  My kids can get bloody and broken and I can convince myself to remain calm.

But tonight, when we came home from skating... I just happened to notice a box, in the corner of my unfinished basement room, looked wet.  I thank God that I noticed.   It's rare that I notice anything in that room. 

I then noticed that there was a puddle of water behind the box, and all along the wall that adjoins to my finished basement!!!    The carpet in the other room was wet too!!!
And  many of you know that our basement is NEW, as of last year.   I went into panic mode to determine what could be leaking!  I ran up to check the outside faucet... thinking that the hose may have been left running.  

By then, the kids noticed my panic and joined in.  

I ran back downstairs to check on the emergency cut-off valve for the same outside faucet.   Had to get a ladder and pry a little cover thingy open.   Upon inspection of the insulation and the pipe (that I could feel) there was no water leaking.  I still had worries that a pipe was leaking from above, or something was seeping up through the floor.
I called a neighbor to see if he could come help me with finding the valve, but he was sick in bed.   I then called my Dad.

Then it hit me! 
The AC unit!! 
I opened the closet door and indeed the water had been leaking from the indoor unit!  
My Dad came on the scene and confirmed that either the pump wasn't working or there was a clog.

Instant relief.   I was so glad to know the source of the water. 

I immediately contacted my favorite..... Maddox Air and Electrical, Inc.   I just wanted extra confirmation that the problem seemed fixable, and that it could be promptly attended to.
(I've got help coming in the morning!!  Thank you Andy!!)

(for the record, my Dad was willing to work on it... but I insisted that he go back home and go to bed.)

In the meantime water is collecting on beach towels and blankets and I will need to do a clean up tomorrow.    The saddest part of all is that the new carpet is wet.    I've had enough of flooding and moldy carpet.   I just pray that the clean up is easy and that my basement can avoid this type of thing in the future.

Owning a home is full of surprises.  I am super thankful for all of the men that I can call at the drop of a dime.
Usually my Dad :)   
I am so clueless about most things and I am thankful to have the appropriate resources at hand for household emergencies.

Ideally, I'd love to have a man, living here, for these type of situations.  Must also love kids.
Currently taking applications.

the Capital

I've been struggling with excess lately.
After visiting Africa, I was convicted of how just how excessive our society is. But then I got sucked right back into it all.
"When in Rome".... right?

a woman from the Capital

I have recently read the Hunger Games.  (haven't we all?)   And I totally understood the political thoughts behind it.  Here we are... in the Capital.... the ever expanding modern society.... the excessive, gluttonous, extremely entertained people of America.

And then there is the rest of the world.

Today, I perused aisles and aisles of pre-packaged food at Walmart, rows of lighted displays with enough food to feed SO many people.   So easily within my reach.  No effort to obtain it.  Just make a choice and put it in my cart.   Slide a plastic card at the check-out aisle and load up my car.  Simple.

My kids have been buying school lunches for several months now.  It has more recently come to my attention that they aren't eating the food.    It's just going in the trash can.  My Dad visited for lunch last week and witnessed most of the children in 4th and 5th grade throw out fresh apples and pears.  Uneaten, untouched fruit... thrown away.

I struggle with the excess in the simple fact that I love food, and showers, and my home.   I'm living the American dream.     My needs are easily met.

(side note:  I have come to be very thankful that we are blessed with running water.    I thank God daily for that extreme gift to our society.   I realize that there are so many on this planet who do not have that luxury.   We are spoiled.  And the water, I like.)

The thing is.... I want a new kitchen.  (Visitors to my home may think that I need a new kitchen.)
But it's not a need because my kitchen functions in all ways.  Sure, the floor is developing a hole in the vinyl... but everything else is doing what it's supposed to do.
So I'm stuck.

I justify the new kitchen in the fact that I plan to stay in my home.    And I justify a new kitchen in the fact that it needs to be spruced up in case I decide to sell. 
Either way, I'm thinking new kitchen.   But I want my decisions to be based on needs rather than wants. 
So I drag my feet.

I have SO much.... an excess.... and I don't want to lose sight of what's really important.

It's just so hard for the 'less is best' mentality when I'm surrounded by 'bigger is better'.

Friends... help keep me focused! please!

Psalm 46:10

I'm blogging because I see that all of the cool kids are doing it today.  I thought I'd jump on board.   (I love my blogging buddies!)

The funniest thing happened after Thanksgiving.  My calendar became empty.
It was amazing.  There was no 'event' on the horizon.  Nothing to prepare for, nothing to 'do'.   I keep telling myself that I will come home from work and relax, or nap, or walk.   But somehow, when I'm home, I tend to pace around, piddle around, check computer stuff and do housework.  And then when I think to sit and relax, it's time for bed.  It kinda sucks that I don't know how to 'do nothing'.

I am actively trying to keep my calendar free this month.  Atleast trying to.   I've added a few things this week, and there are tentative ideas on certain days....but nothing that I have committed to.   And the non-commitment is lovely. 
I'm turning down several 'cookie exchanges'... because quite frankly... who cares about cookies?

The largest hole on my calendar is on December 15th.  It is the night that I am intentionally NOT going to the annual Behold the Lamb of God Concert.  I didn't want to commit to the trip... and this is huge for me.  Any other year, I would have moved through hell and high water to get to this show.  
And I remember the year when we didn't have tickets... but went anyway... with high hopes to sneak in the back door.     This concert has been a staple to my Decembers since Thayer's death.  And this year, I'm not going.  It's with  heavy heart that I wrote, in black ink, on my December 15 calendar square:  "DO NOTHING NIGHT".  I plan to make a point to be still that night.  To pray, to listen for God. 
You know, the kind of stuff I should be doing every day.

Today, I started reading Behold the Lamb of God: An Advent Narrative by Russ Ramsey.  (Yes, you can blame most of my book choices on Andrew Peterson...  I highly recommend everything that he recommends)  :)
Anywho.  I have high hopes for this book as I approach Jesus' birthday.  Not simply for the birthday celebration... but for my own journey...learning to be still in God's presence.

busyness

I just enjoyed a little friend therapy with sabrina this afternoon.  It's always so good to sit down with a good friend and just talk.    We talk about our busyness and our tired-ness and our slight sense of depression-ness.  (yeah, I just wanted to make up a few words there)  ;)

Seems like I enjoy running myself ragged.  I have planned alot of fun things for the fall.  I seem to run from one activity to the next.  And in the brief moments of nothing, I tend to pace around and wonder what I should be doing, or what I have forgotten.
It seems like I have forgotten how to be still.     I have forgotten to pick up my Bible and get lost in random scripture.  I have forgotten to just 'be'.    
I think that I occupy myself to get my mind off of the always hovering loneliness that drops in when I'm not surrounded by people.   And even in that, I can often find myself lonely in a crowd.

I want to start making decisions that follow my favorite saying of 'less is best'.   In that, I hope I can re-train myself to sit at home in my pjs, once in a while.

I made the decision to skip out on my yearly trek to see Andrew Peterson in December.   This is huge for me, because I ALWAYS jump on the chance for a road trip.  I was wondering if I am depressed... or if I'm actually gonna carve out some time to spend at home.
I think I might schedule a pj day instead.  
I should probably go write that on my calendar....

october!!

My favorite month arrived in a blustery way yesterday.     I declared our only free Saturday a 'stay home day', which actually involved staying home most of the day and then going out for Mexican and Target. 
(no matter how hard I try... I just can't stay at home!)

I pulled out my halloween decorations.    It turns out that since my mantra is "less is best", that I really don't have many decorations to speak of.   But less does tend to be best in my household.    Fortunately I do manage to pull off two halloween themed bathrooms and a halloween tree.   I am content and pleased.

I had big plans to skip church and take my kids to the Corn Maze today.   
Those plans dissolved when I had two kids who rudely disobeyed everything I asked them to do last night.   They had an entire free day with their friends, got to do, and go everywhere they wanted.... and then completely treated me like shit.     
So the fun plans were canceled and Lucas is spending most of the day in his room.    Daniel's offenses were less.... and he is currently wearing a camoflauge suit and running around the neighborhood.    And I am enjoying some quiet time on the couch.  :)

Two great things about this weekend:
1- I put our feathers back on our beds yesterday.      You're probably sick of hearing about my feathers.  But they have been lifechanging :)    I have a goose down comforter that is THE best source of heat in the world.     My boys have duck down blankets...which I hope are just as warm.   Lucas slept until 9:37am all cuddled up in his blanket.   The house was about 60 degrees this morning and it was great sleeping weather with our feathers!     Can't wait to crawl back in tonight!! 

2.  I hung pictures of my boys in the basement last night.    Two 14x18 frames with pictures of each boy ages one through five.      The great news is that I hung them straight and level... all on my own!!!   (Each frame had two hangers...and that irritates me.)    You should have seen my happy dance when I stood back and admired my handywork!  :-)    Thayer would have been proud!  

Earlier this morning, I went downstairs to admire my picture hanging ability and I actually stopped to look at the photographs.    It's amazing to see how much my boys have changed over the years.   And then I realized their smiles.    Each smile was so genuinely happy and innocent.   It reminded me of happier times. 
All of the pictures were taken before Thayer died.
And honestly, my kids don't take pictures with those kinds of smiles anymore.     Logically, I know it's because they are older, pre-teenish grumps.   But I can't help to think that their smiles changed forever when Thayer died.  There is something missing in them now.... the stability and innocence is lost.  And that is sad.

But I'm not gonna dwell on that today... because October is here!!  :-)   Enjoy it!

little at a time

I've been watching too many episodes of Hoarders.   I'm pretty much a Hoarders hoarder.    I'm not sure what draws me to the show, or why I want to watch train wreck after train wreck.   
I'll take a glimpse of some of the consistent symptoms of the people that are documented.... and then I look around my own bedroom. 
I see my own piles that continue to grow.  The piles of folded clothes on top of the dresser and the blankets and shoes stuffed into the closet.    I almost feel the dread seep in and then I remember (remind myself) that I am totally not a hoarder.   I'm just a single parent.
I actually enjoy getting rid of stuff.   One of my friends pegged me right when they said that I would probably be happy with a concrete slab and a bed.  
That's true.  
I am a firm believer of "less is best".

I was able to purge quite a bit from my basement, last week, in preparation for a yard sale that my sister was hosting.   I feel much lighter and hopeful for a full organized basement in the future.   

My spurts of motivation come and go.     After expending the energy on the yard sale, I realized that nothing else had been done around the house.      The air conditioning hasn't been running as much because of the cooler temperatures, and things are starting to smell mildewy and mucky.
Cleaning the bathrooms should help.  :)   That's on the agenda for tomorrow.

I have huge motivation, of decorating for Halloween, once I can get the house in order.   I have a black Christmas tree that I'll be putting up this year, with Halloween ornaments.  I am psyched!

I know that I probably have a ton of other more important things that I should blog about tonight.  But I had my show on my mind.
 Off to watch my nightly episode.   And hoping to get motivated to tackle the bathrooms tomorrow...

random things I remember from this past week...

I am settling down after hosting my "I.P. Freely" Party.     Thanks to my family and friends who came to celebrate the normal function of my bladder.    We enjoyed alot of food and alot of laughter.

Somehow, this is the second party we have hosted in which my youngest son managed to binge on fruit and junk food, run around like a maniac, have a blast with his friends.... and then vomit.     I didn't keep tabs on what he consumed... but apparently there were alot of strawberries involved.     
He was quick to announce that he would not eat as much at his birthday party next week. 
That's good to know.

This week has been a mess.

The preschoolers showed up to school this week, where I work.   And this first week has been challenging.  That's all I should say.
But, I have seen improvement each day.... and I think I might actually go back to work on Monday morning.

On top of being flustered at work, I had a screaming fit with my boys on Tuesday night.  It was horrible.  I was horrible.     
Thankfully that incident is behind us... and I am thankful for the gift of forgiveness.     

I have noticed that Lucas has been really missing Thayer lately.   He cried for Thayer on tuesday night after my fit.   And he cried again for Thayer, last night saying, "if Daddy were here, he could enjoy my 9th birthday party."  
We cried together.
I can totally see how milestones are going to be difficult for the boys.

I spent most of my evenings this past week getting my house presentable for guests.  I tend to think that I plan parties... just so I have a reason to straighten up my environment.   I'm hoping to keep things in order because the next two months is full of back-to-back activities and parties.     Anyone interested in the 'adult only' trip to the corn maze?!  I can't wait!

right now, I am exhausted.
I am so thankful that the weekend is here!

lifestyle changes

I started back to work today. The first day is usually fine.... anticipation of seeing my co-workers and the newness of it all- gets me out of bed- with the first melody of the alarm clock.
I know that I'll soon implement the 'press snooze twice' plan.

I'm actually trying to get off to a good start this year. My summer sleep schedule of 1am-9am will now need to be altered to 10pm-6:30am. And I really need to stick to it. I will need to discipline myself. If I can make myself have a predictable sleep pattern.... it will be the first time in several years that I might actually stay awake during 'chapel time' at preschool!
 I would consider that a great personal achievement.
I figure that I also need my rest because we have a class of TWELVE boys and three girls this year.

Like most years, I have completely overbooked my first week back to work. I have vet, hair, dentist and orthodontist appointments AND I have to go into work two evenings as well. AND I've scheduled to have a group of people over on Friday night. It will be interesting to see if I have groceries or clean toilets by Friday. It's looking doubtful.

Anywho.
I'm also trying to make a happy blend of cats in our home. Blueberry has made herself at home, and Mr. Q is tolerating her well. I've been trying to figure out feeding arrangements and sleeping arrangements that make everyone happy.
It's kind of like welcoming an infant into our home.
Except it's a cat... and we can leave it alone or hours at a time.
so... really nothing like an infant. But I feel like a baby mama anyway. For the first few days, Blueberry followed me around and meowed constantly. She was missing her family...

But she is quickly becoming a part of ours. :-)

holy cow! they were right!

It has hit. The re-entry blues.
I had heard rumor... that it was a possibility to be a bit depressed upon re-entry from a trip... such as my Uganda trip. I think I even heard that it happened about a week after returning home.

Really?
yup.

Tonight, I was tempted to drop my kids off on a street corner and drive away. And not really sure if I would circle the block or just keep driving.

The boys had a friend over today and I thought I'd be a great mom and take them all to the movies tonight. We went to see Megamind,again. I SO love this movie! :-)

Sadly, as a culmination of several irritating moments, my boys have earned the entire afternoon in their rooms tomorrow.

I'm starting to think that my two weeks away just gave me a taste of freedom. And here I am, back in the thick of it. And it's alot to swallow.
I know this is my reality. And I love my kids.
But nights like tonight throw me back into my angry thoughts of 'why did thayer leave me here with these kids!?' I know it wasn't his choice... but I like to have someone to blame for my parenting struggles, ya know?

anywho.
just had to get that out.
Tomorrow is a new day.
and I am fine :)

uneventful

I'm kicking back with my favorite beverage thinking about our uneventful day that wasn't.

Yesterday I was under the weather and managed to nap on-and-off for about 5-6 hours, watch 2 movies and catch up on a ton of email. It was yucky to feel sick... but it was refreshing to have a sick day.
Today I woke up feeling fine and ready to have some fun.

We swam this morning and returned home for a free day.... "free" simply meaning that nothing else was written on the calendar for today.
I decided it was a grand day to cut the grass.
The paid yard man that manicures my neighbor's yard...
(nope...not those neighbors... the nice ones on my other side.)
He and I have pretty much been on a Thursday schedule for the past few weeks so I thought I'd get out there and look busy.
BTW, I've been pretty proud of my mowing this summer :)

After sweating for a couple of hours, doesn't everyone feel like taking a shower and then painting? Sure enough I took a shower and then decided to paint the trim in my bathroom. This was odd, seeing how we painted the walls about three years ago and I was going to paint the trim, cabinets and doors "soon".
I'm proud to say that the three year project has been completed!

During my painting frenzy:
-That HUGE thunderstorm hit.
-My kids were missing. (don't worry. they had found shelter) :)
-The AC abruptly stopped working.
-My INTERNET stopped working!!!! (Oh the horror!!)
-my kids showed up. with others. mine were hungry.
-L fixed himself dinner. (egg sandwich)
-D was waiting for other food. (great moms serve spaghetti-Os, right?!)
-Greg T. (my neighbor) and Andy Maddox showed up, from my new favorite company:

(434)-821-6231
I love these guys!


finally... paint brushes were cleaned, kids were showered and we sat to read Dr.Seuss's Sleep Book which happens to be the longest children's book ever published. I'm proud to report that I didn't skip any pages.

(The boys were quite tickled to hear that Thayer used to always skip pages in this book and they never noticed. Thayer was a very gifted Dr. Seuss page skipper.)

Pretty eventful day, I'd say.