back in the game

It's been a crazy month.   This is the second night at home after spending 20 days at my parent's house.   (That's no typo.... 20 days).

I've been 'off of my game' since the weekend of Thanksgiving.  

Rewind to the Granny's memorial service which was held the Saturday after Thanksgiving.   We welcomed family to town, and enjoyed meeting a few new faces.
I was asked to read part of my previous blog post at the service.   (and since I'm terrified of public speaking... it went as expected.... shaky voice and all... )   I was honored to share my memories of Granny.   And the memorial was very nice.   I think Granny would have been pleased.

The boys and I were thrilled to spend some time with Thad that Sunday.   We finally hiked Devil's Marble yard.   Well.... technically.... I hiked to Devil's Marble yard and then the boys and Thad proceeded to climb all of those scary boulders.     I apparently have maintained my fear of climbing and my fear of falling.    I was content to sit on a boulder while the boys explored.      (I swear that I heard the cry of a Sasquatch while I was hanging out, but no one believed me).
Anywho.

Dark and early on Monday morning I took Thad to the airport and then proceeded to move out of the house.   

My contractor came to demo both of my bathrooms.      

I had been planning the bathroom renovation and was excited to get 'em done!
The "7-10" day project didn't go quite as planned.    I am beyond grateful to my parents who let us stay with them for the majority of a month!  That is a BIG deal!   Soooo thankful!!

During the extended stay, I realized that I was getting stressed out about things beyond my control.   The tiny details of the bathrooms started to grate at me.     I made realizations that I would do things diffferently if I had to do it again.      

And at the same time I would tell myself that this is SO much a "first world problem".    How dare I freak out about getting new bathrooms?!  How shallow and pathetic.     How many people have the luxury to get new bathrooms?     Reality check, Jill!
I was also freaking out about getting the bathrooms done in time to host two parties on December 20th.    I was freaking out about having to clean the construction dust, paint, clean, AND decorate for Christmas.   My whole month felt like it was spinning out of control.

Then.... my friend posted a very convincing facebook post that reminded me about Christmas.   The real reason.  Jesus.  
Slow down.   Stop freaking out.

In one of my moments of reflection I thought about how Mary, the mother of Jesus, was away from home when she had a baby!   Talk about confusion and stress.   I can imagine that poor girl was 'off her game' when Jesus was born.... being away from home and dealing with labor and a newborn.    whew!
(and then a part of me gets jealous that she had Joseph to help her.  lucky her.)
The thing is.... as soon as Jesus arrived the earth sighed and Mary's perspective shifted.   That baby, Jesus, became the main focus of her life and nothing else mattered.

That's what I tell myself.     "Jesus... top priority."

And yet, today, I found myself getting panicky about shower heads.  Seriously.    crazy.   get a grip.

Tomorrow is a new day.
I'm slowly getting back in my game.   It's been nice settling  in at home and I'm officially beginning my Christmas vacation from work.... so it's all good.

Merry Christmas!

Granny

I met her in November of 1997.    It just so happened that the guy I knew that I was going to marry lived with his grandparents, Elmer and Marie.     Marie was introduced to me as "Granny".

In April of 1999 "Granny" became my Grandmother-in-law.... but in reality, she was the only "mother- in-law" I would know.    She had raised Thayer from the age of 13.     The fact that she had taken in two boys, after raising her own kids, made her a saint in my eyes.   (not to omit the fact that Thayer's paternal grandparents also had an earlier role.)    
Thayer's Grandparents helped to build a solid foundation on which Thayer and his brother became the men that God intended them to be.   And I am thankful for their investment.

Granny embraced me as a granddaughter, and spoiled Thayer and I with frequent home cooked meals during our first year of marriage.    The weekly meals and fellowship continued when my babies were born.  
As great-grandparents the Jantzes became known "Papa and Granny Jantz".
Papa and Granny would frequent our family events.   I remember taking them to the park for a play date and picnic when my kids were young.

Granny spent a lot of time in the kitchen.  A lot.   She introduced me to swiss chard, rhubarb, her famous cranberry salad, her standard ham with pineapple, and a plethora of pies.   My favorite was her apple pie, yet interestingly... her favorite seemed to be Marie Callendar's Razzleberry pie.   :)

The Jantzes were gardening geniuses.   They had a prestinely landscaped yard.   They grew a ton of veggies and wasted not.   Granny canned and canned and canned.   Thayer and I never had a shortage of green beans or jelly.   Crab apple jelly was always on hand... and quite tasty.

As the Jantzes aged, the garden and yard became too much for them to handle on their own.   Thayer would take care of the yard work.    And it was a somber day when grass was planted over the garden.

Granny was the extreme example of someone with a servant's heart.   She would bend over backwards to serve, help, encourage and love on people.   It's been rumored that she never complained.   And I believe it.  I never witnessed her complain about anything.
She was a very loving and submissive wife.   I can still hear Elmer say, "Marie!" and she would run to his side.   She was patient and kind.

In 2004 Thayer's job took us to another city.   Thayer would return to help with the yard.
At some point, early 2006, our visits became very frequent because Papa Jantz was battling cancer and we knew his time was short.    Granny was running herself ragged taking care of him.   Best nurse ever.... though her own body was growing weak and the physical labor was taking a toll on her.
As hospice came in, she still cared for that man until his last breath.

One of the most precious memories I have is sitting with Granny all night, on Elmer's last night.   I had never been on death watch before and our conversation topics were very interesting, to say the least.    Being with Granny while Elmer passed is one of my most vivid memories.
She was darling.
(As age stole Granny's memories, she had no recollection that I was with her that night.  But it's a memory I hope to keep.)  

After Elmer's death, she moved out of state with her son and daughter-in-law.   Our visits were less frequent.   Maybe twice a year while Thayer was alive.   I kept that up for a few years and then our visits tapered off to once a year, these past few years.

Over the past several years age had stolen Granny's ability to cook and to remember certain things.
I recall one time when we were visiting and her prided pies didn't turn out "quite like they were supposed to".  It was obvious that she was loosing her "touch" and I could see the concern in her eyes.

A few years ago Granny came to stay with us for several days.    I remember how excited she would get as she watched her baseball.   She personally knew her Braves.  And come to think of it... the only time I ever saw her get a little cranky was when she realized that I didn't have ESPN.    
During that visit, the reality of her age, her physical, and her mental limitations hit me.     I started to understand the care and dedication that her son and daughter-in-law were exhibiting on a daily basis.

The last few times that I visited with Granny, her memory was hazy.... but she would talk at length about how she had met Elmer.   He had come to work on her family farm and had taken an interest in her.    I wish I had documented the details... because those things... she remembered vividly.
She had a "young" picture of him in her room and she would point out how good lookin' he was.  :)

Upon jogging her memory, she would tell me about being a seamstress and about how she would sew costumes for plays at the university.  
Her long term memory was very selective.    Other major events, she didn't recall, or didn't want to discuss.    For instance... I think I had heard that she once had brain surgery...??  But she didn't seem to remember that.
She lived a long, full, heartbreaking, joyful life.   From my perspective I see that she endured so much heartache over her 93 years....yet she was still joyful.     I know her faith in Jesus carried her through.

The last time we visited Granny, (last November).... I remember thinking that it might be the last time we see her.    It was.
Granny went to be with Jesus, and a slew of family members... and friends, on Monday.
I know she was ready.... but she will be missed.
I am thankful for her life and her impact on our family.

Photos from Granny's 90th birthday, 2012.

rolling

We're adjusting back to our routine after a short Thanksgiving break.   We had a super quick visit down to see Thayer's family.    As I sat and visited with Granny I realized that time keeps rolling.

Granny is 92.   She can't remember her last sentence but she has a good, selective, long term memory.    She is always ready and willing to talk about her husband, how they met, and how handsome he was.   She has a picture of her husband (probably college aged).... and yes, he was a looker.   Blue eyes, just like Thayer.
Her husband has been gone for eight years.   And I know she longs to be with him again.     She bides her time.
As we all do in some way or another.

I've had the weight of uneasiness this week as I think about my friends who are in the midst of much heartache.   Loss, death, sickness, slow recoveries, and anticipation for upcoming surgeries.
(please pray for Zack this week!)
So much going on.   I have the desire to help.... or to do more.
I feel like I'm using my own village to get it all done these days.    And I'm not sure what else TO do.
So I bide my time.    And pray.
I hope my people know how much I care.

December is slowing filling up with activity.

After a post Halloween meltdown- when I told the kids that we would never decorate for holidays again.....
I changed my mind and we pulled out the Christmas boxes.    The boys put up the tree and we decided to keep things super simple this year.    We looked at all of the ornaments and I suggested that they only hang 'circular' ornaments this year.     I'm pretty pleased.

 I have finally got the ball rolling on my kitchen remodel!    Over five years of hemming and hawing..... and I have finally taken action!   I meet with the contractor tomorrow to make selections and schedule a start date.   This has been a long time coming.   It's truly a Christmas miracle that I'm taking this step.   really.
(I may post pictures or write more about this as the project progresses.....so please just smile and nod, smile and nod).

Less then three weeks until Christmas break.    Wow.  The days are rolling by.

5 years

The five year mark has come and gone.   And ya know what?   I made our lives so busy that I think I missed it.   
I didn't miss thinking about Thayer.  I didn't miss thinking about that night that changed our lives.  I didn't miss the thought that 'five years' has been a long time.   I didn't miss thinking about how so many people were impacted by his death.   I didn't miss contemplating, in detail, that fateful day.
But I did miss crying about it this year.

I knew that I was planning lots of activity so that I wouldn't sit at home and be sad.   But it appears that I planned SO much activity that I am exhausted!!

Prior to the death anniversary, we had Thayer's grandmother come to stay for eleven days.    It was nice to have her here and we enjoyed looking through all of my photo albums and remembering 'back then'.   The visit was nice, but also tiring for all of us.

Then, the boys and I spent a long day in c-ville visiting with our friends and catching up.   I love being up there with many of my favorite people.... especially those who knew, and loved, Thayer.

On the eve of the anniversary, we went camping with my family.   (Interesting how much I enjoy camping, yet we don't do it often enough).  We spent August 16th at the lake with my parents, my sisters and their families.     My parents had balloons for the kids to release in memory of Thayer.    

We returned home that night to spend time with family friends, (Thayer's bestie), who stayed with us for several days.   That weekend included a girl's night out with other 'out of town' friends and many fun filled moments with friends.

This past week, we jumped right into registration and school stuff and then hit the road for a long weekend in Williamsburg.   One last fling before reality hits.
We made it back to town just in time to gather with our lifegroup and pray for the kids and their upcoming school year.  

Laundry is brewing and I thought it would be a good idea to debrief a bit before I wipe our summer slate clean.
Tomorrow is the first day of school and work.

I'm actually looking forward to sending the boys away in the morning, regaining a sense of routine, and having some 'down' time in the afternoons.   I'm thinking it will be nice to have a vacation from the vacation.
Although I'm already missing my summer sleep schedule :(

food and family

I am fine.  I am happy.  I am content.  This summer has been great.  I'm not sad.
But I'm sad.

I'm not sure if it's because the death anniversary is slowly starting to slither it's way onto the calendar or if it's just time for me to be mushy about things.

I've been preparing for Thayer's grandmother to come and stay with us for an eleven day visit.   It will be an adjustment for the boys and I to have an extra person around, to say the least.   And it's always a bit challenging for me to be around Thayer's family.... without him. 

I sorted through recipes yesterday trying to figure out what kind of nutritional meals I could feed a ninety year old woman.   
I started to feeling physically ill as I ran across 'meat and veggie' type meals that I used to fix for Thayer -all of the time.  My recipe box and cookbooks seemed foreign... like they belonged to someone else.   
Did I really used to prepare meals and have them on the table by 5:30 every night?!
I can remember the foods that Thayer enjoyed.
I know the foods that his Grandmother has eaten her entire life.
I haven't cooked any of those meals in almost five years!

I have hopes that Granny will be forgiving.  

My boys have been disappearing into the neighborhood for the past few days and I've had a LOT of time to myself.  It's been nice and refreshing to be alone.  But I've been alone.
I start to envision my boys grown and gone.  And I wonder what the heck am I going to do?!   It's rather quiet in this house when the boys are away.
 I start to think about how I will probably be working full time.   And that sucks. 
 I day dream about meeting Mr. Right who will encourage me to keep my part time job.   
Then I wonder, "what if I don't meet Mr. Right' and have to work all day and be alone all evening, and be an old lonely person?" 
And then I stop thinking.
I don't know what to expect over the next few years.   So I try not to dwell on the possibilities.  good or bad.

I chatted online with my Ugandan friend the other day.  He was telling me that he would be prepared to marry in three years. 
When I asked who the lucky girl was, he replied,
"I haven't got one yet".  
But he believed that in three years time that God would provide.  
(yes, I know the cultures are different... and he is preparing for a dowry... and he probably will have a wife in three years)  But what impressed me the most was that he had such strong faith that God would provide.
If only I had that kind of faith.
I wavier between hope and disappointment when I think about what my future will hold. 

A main course of  hopefulness with a side of fear and trepidation.

to grandmother's house we go

Road trips are good for my soul. 
After a very challenging week, the boys and I hit the road for over five hours, in anticipation of celebrating the boys' great-grandmother's 90th birthday. 

The drive was marvelous.   I took the easy road and brought along red box movies and audio books.  The boys watched movies the majority of the time and I basked in the silence of the front seat.    I sang to myself, thought, prayed.   I even managed to day dream about making a cross country drive and I started mentally planning a trip to Africa for 2017. 

After settling in at our destination, Granny and I reminisced about what she called "the good old days".... meaning to me...back when both of our husbands were living.
Thayer and I would bring the kids over to dinner once a week or so.  I reminded her about her homemade bread and their generous garden.   
She was tickled when I reminded her that our 'coffee table' is the chest that her husband built to ship their belongs via train... long ago.

90 years.  What a lifetime.  What a story.

The celebration took place on Sunday.  And the most fascinating observation that I made.... was how grown up Daniel became this weekend!!
He was greeting folks at the door and mingling with the crowd!  I stood back in awe of his social charm.    I even caught him arranging cups as people were getting ready to serve drinks!   I was so proud of his demeanor!!

Both boys were kind to their Granny and were happy to give her hugs.

 

I was super proud that Lucas gave hugs, took pictures and even wore a collared shirt for the occasion. (with some extra insistence that he leave it on for the duration of the party).
He had a really nice weekend!

Overall.... a very refreshing weekend!  I think that we desperately needed this little get-away.
Road trips are good for my soul.