taking our time

It's been a good kind of uneventful over the past month.    Atleast for the three of us.

We are surrounded with news of deaths, sickness, loss of jobs, and a whole lot of shitty stuff.

 Just for a while, I want to sit in my little ordinary bubble with my kids.    I am feeling blessed at the moment, yet a small fraction of me assumes that the other shoe will drop any day.

After five years, the poor lil' widow me has fallen out of the spotlight.    And I'm okay with that.
Every year, I think that I'm getting better and better.   This year I'm feeling stable, but next year I'll probably say I'm even closer to that 'normal' that I long for.
 'normal'.
ha.

-My house is in order. (if you exclude the boys' rooms).
-My yard is in order. The leaves have become a chore, but a rewarding chore. I intend to win.
-My money is in order. I just signed up for an awesome budget program. YNAB. I intend to be a better steward of God's provisions.
-My schedule is in order.  I've learned to cut the extra fluff, yet I'm still busy in lots of good ways.   I'm not sure how all of our days are filled with activity....and my kids don't even play organized sports.  I can't imagine what this solo parenting would look like if they did.   
I count my blessings for now. 

This would be a perfect time for me to start house projects.
This would be a perfect time to buy that house and land in the country.
The boys and I dream.
maybe.
one day.
This would be a perfect time for me to ride off into the sunset with Mr. Right. (and I guess I'd take the kids too).

I drag my feet.
I just want some time to be uneventful.

I drag my feet on moving to the country. (because honestly, who would hang the curtains and hook up the washer and dryer?)
I drag my feet on the house projects because then, chances are, I'd meet someone and we'd move.
Am I really ready to move?

My friend asked me the other day, "are you really ready to date?".
My answer, "probably not".

It's a great idea.   And if it happens... super! 
I have an uncanny thought that I'll end up with a friend of a friend who has five kids.  I'm still working through the details in my head about how I'll transport them and feed them.

Every time I make a meal and count out three plates from the cabinet I feel a sharp tinge of loss and pain.  That feeling never fades. 
Three is not supposed to be our number.

I threw away an old blanket the other day.  Only to realize- days later -that it reminded Lucas of his Dad. 
He cried.  A lot. 
I cried too. 
I screw up.  A lot.
This moving forward thing is a challenge.
It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out. 
In time.

those lil' addictions... (no. 1)

Ah.  Easter.  A day of Jesus.  A day of family.  A day of feast.

Today I was telling my bro-in-law that I was planning to blog about how I haven't had soda in over a month.  
I was telling him this as I was enjoying a Dr. Pepper.

Yes, folks, I have quit the sodas....but since Jesus conquered death for me... I decided to celebrate with a sugar fest and a soda.
that's logical, right?

But seriously, I quit drinking sodas the first weekend of March.   And my life has changed.
literally.
I haven't dropped the weight that most men seem to lose when they lay off of the drinks.  In fact, I think I've gained 5 pounds because the lack of sugary drinks has made me crave other sweets that I normally could have passed over. 
go figure.
(The issue of my weight is entirely another post that I'll save for another day.  Stay tuned...)

Anywho.  For today... How the lack of sodas has changed my life:

First of all, every six months to a year, I tend to think...... "yep, this is what it feels like to be normal.  I think I'm finally pulling myself together and regaining normalcy after Thayer's death".  
I probably started feeling 'normal' around the 2 year mark.... but then I was really feeling normal sometime after that.   And then months after that.... I was really, really feeling like I was getting there.  And on it goes.   Every once in a while, I think to myself that I have reached what life is 'supposed' to be like.   Somehow I taste just a bit of what day to day life was like before our family fell apart.

But this past month.... I really may have achieved some bit of sanity that I had before thayer's death.  And I think it came about by quitting sodas.
I was addicted.   Not even buying sodas for my home or drinking them by the case.  I was simply a social drinker.   Out with friends for lunch (which happens to be every day).... I would order a soda and get several refills.    The caffeine kept me going.
I have found out that this simple addiction to a daily dose of caffeine was contributing to my really late night hours at home.   And since I was up so late... I was lonely.   I was becoming addicted to needing people.   I was constantly surrounding myself with people and constantly keeping up with everyone else's business via email and facebook.
(And of course, I am super thankful for all of my friends who have kept me company over the past three years.  I wouldn't change a thing about all of that.)
But now... without that caffeine.... I go to bed!  EARLY.   I sleep a solid 8 hours each night and I feel like I'm finally catching up with what 'normal' people do.
(I still get sleepy during 'chapel time' at preschool.... but that's just gonna happen in said circumstance)

I'm feeling rested and my patience with my children is becoming phenomenal.    Far from perfect... but our house has been a very happy home for a few weeks in a row.  (which is rare).
 I like to think it is because I stopped drinking sodas!   And because Jesus is working in my heart :)

Currently, I am challenging myself to 'let go' of my computer.   I am limiting my computer usage to- checking email and facebook- once in the morning and once at night.
This has enabled me to actually spend time with my kids....

One thing at a time.   And so far, so good!