on being 42

Each year I spend the beginning of June celebrating my birthday and catching up on appointments.      So far I've seen the chiropractor, the eye doctor and my primary care physician.   

 I passed the exams with flying colors.   So far, so good on the getting older front.

The chiropractor and I were talking about aging and he assumed that I was lamenting about getting older.   I had to correct him, and remind him that I see it as a blessing to get older.  Not everyone gets to see 42, ya know?   I DO consider it a priviledge to be here for another year.

The eye doctor, after saying that I just needed the same reading glasses that I've used for the last three years, tried to guess that I was also using them for distance sight.  

Nope.  I see distance well.  It's the little things that I get hung up on.

And that leads to the primary doctor... who had to talk me off of a high cliff that I've created about my weight, and then proceeded to show me my near perfect bloodwork numbers.   She was super encouraging and gave me statistics that show I'm moving in the right direction.  

The thing is... I see distance well.   I know that down the road, I plan to continue an active lifestyle,  that personal issues will be resolved, that relationships will be healed, that God works everything out... and that I will be Ok!     Even knowing all of this.... it's the little things that I get hung up on. 

Lord, help me get past the little things and stay focused on what you have in store!  

42 years.   Lord willing, another 42 to go.  (Well....maybe)

wrestling with shame

Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of  love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

Recently, I happened upon the documentary Embrace, available on Amazon Prime.    It is an excellent film that "explores the global issue of body loathing."     I sat, close to tears, as I painfully related to what women expressed throughout the film.    I was encouraged by seeing glimpses of myself on the screen and then completely discouraged by not knowing if I could ever really be happy in my own skin.   

Thus began my current journey of trying to get to the root of my own shame.  Why do I feel so much shame and insecurity about my body? 

I have briefly discussed the film with a few people, explaining that it highlighted the unattainable expectations that our culture puts on women.

One man I spoke with assumed that the film was about a "fat" lady who was just "making excuses" for women.

(Which, by the way... it is not, and she is not)

This response really rubbed me the wrong way.  Here was a man assuming that someone who wants to spread encouragement about loving our bodies is "fat" and that they are "making excuses".  He went on to say that "anything is attainable." 

But my point, and the point of the film....is Yes.  Anything is attainable.... but at what cost?!  And are we only supposed to love our bodies if we fit into a certain mold?

I lost 55 pounds.  I was praised and admired and encouraged.  It felt great!  

I was also super obsessive about food and exercise.  I was angry at mealtimes.  It was ALL consuming.    

Sadly, over the past two years, I have gained 20 of those pounds back.  The compliments have come to a screeching stop... and honestly, the larger I am, the more insignificant I feel.

I have become very bitter about our culture that seems to put appearance over all else.

Yet.... I know I need to lose the 20 pounds to feel comfortable in my clothes again.   It's a constant struggle.

After chewing on this body image dilemna for a bit, I can only wonder....  Am I overly insecure about my body?   How deep does this go?

 I picked up the book In Bloom: Trading Restless Insecurity for Abiding Confidence,  hoping to get a grip on what appears to be the unfolding of some intense personal reflection.

This has all been a good reminder that my value is, and will always, be in my relationship with God.  

Yes, yes, I know that.   But that is also much easier to say than to really embrace on a day-to-day.

The author, Kayla Aimee started sharing about her insecurity from waaay back.... her hurt and embarrassments from elementary school.    I kept thinking.... geez..... she needs to stop her whining.   How silly. 

But!  The more I read.... I realized that I, too, can still remember the names of the boys who called me "ugly" at the bus stop.  I, too, can remember being so "average" that I was never asked out on a date, I can remember not feeling "enough" for my first husband.... and even now... thinking I will never be thin enough, tan enough, or timid enough for my current husband.   

Apparently my insecurity can be traced waaaay back too.

 I think that most women .... if you dig deep, can relate to always having expectations put upon us that are juuuust out of reach.   The feeling of never living up to what we think we should be.

I'm trying to come to terms with being who I am despite what society says. I feel like that's almost impossible.  I think it will be a long journey.
I guess we're all in this together.    

small changes

It's January.   No time for the usual "new year, new you" jargon. 
I just need to make the changes.    Small changes.  Things I've neglected.  Things I know better about.  Things that would make me happy.
I don't call these resolutions.... but whatev.

1.  The weight.
I am crushed having to blog about this again. and again, and again. 

I happened to read a post from January 2017.... where I had "lost the weight".  All high and mighty.  I had found the key. I had reached my goal. 
Well, crap all over that.
Over the last two years, I've gained back 20 pounds +/-.
Turns out that weight will always be a struggle for me. 
So.... I need to get serious again.
Small changes.

2. Writing.

I don't consider myself a writer... but I have always enjoyed blogging.   Last June, I declared that I wanted to write a book.   Someone recommended a writing coach.  I set out to look back through all of my blog posts. 
Well..... I haven't done anything.
I'm going to challenge myself* to break out this laptop, hopefully once a week or so, and just blog about life again.   
Small changes.


*challenge accepted, hence this post

this past year

(I want to preface this blog with acknowledgment that this past year has been difficult for lots of people. Family and friends have faced death, illness, heartbreak, unemployment, and strained relationships... to name a few.  I know that many folks are glad to see the end of 2016 and they are praying for a better year to come. 

 I wish everyone a better 2017!)

 January 1st has always been my day for reflection, and summarizing, of the past year.    My blog posts from the year always remind me of how far our family has come, or they emphasize things that have been important to me.

Well...   I only posted 14 times this year.   ha.

I was apparently too busy to blog this year while I was managing family, friends, my new man, and new hobbies.  
 To sum up my year... it was awesome!   I feel confident to say that this has probably been my best year.... in years!

I didn't claim 2016 as my own like I've done other years.   I was gonna let it play out.

But while reading through old posts I can see I was shifting my thinking and gearing up for change.   Early in the year, I wrote a bit about reevaluationg my role in certain social relationships.  I also wrote about how I was anticipating change.  I started doing yoga every day, I started attending a new church group.   Looking back now, I can see that I was finally stepping out of my box and being open to something new.
Deuteronomy 2:3 is written on a sticky note in my kitchen window.  It says, "You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn north!"

2016 was my year to 'turn north' and I am thrilled with how God laid the road.

The biggest blessings this year:
-I lost the weight!
- I have daily exercise habits that I LOVE.  
-Physically, I feel better than I have since before kids.
-I'm dating the most amazing man.
-I am so in love and I have high hopes of a future with that man.  (no pressure, Greg)  ;)    
-My boys are healthy and happy.  (well... as happy as teenagers can be, I suppose).  
-Emotionally, my love tank is overflowing.
-God has been good to our little family this year.

A list of phrases that I thought I would NEVER say.... and I DID in 2016:
-I'd like to go to the game on saturday.
-I need more UVA shirts.
-All of my clothes are too big.
-Boys, I'm going for a jog.
-I think I've become a morning person.
-On my run this morning...
-Awww.  Puppies!
-I need more dresses.
-If we get a dog...

No telling what 2017 will be like!!
Bring it!

in time

Everything happens in time.      I looked back at an old blog post this morning.    I wrote a bit about where the boys and I were at that time, in 2013.   I finished the post by writing,

"It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out.  
In time."

I've written so much about timing over the past eight years.   Lots about God's timing, hope, and waiting.  

I've also written a lot about my weightloss journey.   And I just recently realized that is also so much about timing and waiting.    I hit my heaviest weight in october of 2014.     And it's taken me TWO years to finally figure this thing out.   There has been so much tweaking- and growth- with my exercise, so much fussiness over food, so much discussion with friends and family.    And then I realized that I had to be accountable to myself, and myself alone.    So, after two years of trial and error I feel that I've finally got a grip on this weight thing.    I have found the right exercise routine that works for me.  It's a routine that I have grown to look forward to every day.  (and that's something I never thought I would say!)    I want to shout it from the rooftops that this weightloss thing IS possible.  If I can do it... anyone can.    It is 100% mind over matter.     And it takes time.  

In the realm of family, I have noticed that time is of the essence with teenagers.   It has taken time...years...to build a rapport with these boys.   And honestly I still don't have a clue what goes on in their brains.   Every day is a guessing game as to if I'm doing this mom gig correctly.   But over time, I have watched my boys grow and I'm fairly hopeful that they won't need excessive counseling as adults.   Time will tell.

And the "Mr. Right thing" has always been part of the waiting.   I was hopeful that, in time, God would provide a man for our family.    In 2009 I wasn't ready... in 2013 I wrote that I wasn't ready.     

It's been years of waiting for the right time.  The time as a single mom and woman has challenged me....but I think I needed those years to learn about myself, my kids, and to work on healing.
I'm hopeful that this is my time.   My Mr. Right has appeared... I just pray he'll stick around.  Time will tell.

It's been several years of family growth, personal growth, waiting.  

It's nice to kick back and see some things come to fruition.

God will make things work out in time.

our current state

Today marks the day that I am officially 50.5 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight.  It's been about a 20 month journey overall, with some ups and downs in between.  (and still en route!)    
The trick is certainly mind over matter with every detail.    I have finally found the routine that works best for me and I am feeling better than I have in years.    My habits have gradually changed and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin again.    Such a blessing.

Some folks connect my thinner self to the fact that I'm in love.   Yes... I'm in love with a good man...and very happy.... but my journey to get healthy started long before the man entered the picture. I wanted this for myself.   I think he just came along at the opportune time.

This summer has been an excellent time for me to date and get to know my new guy.   He gets along well with the boys and I'm certain he is an excellent fit for our family.    I'm excited to see how this current chapter is written.     (I hope it doesn't end with a burning house) ;)

The boys have had bursts of busyness this summer.   Each have attended camps, and Daniel is currently serving in Mexico with the church youth group.    We've done some day activities as a family and they've also had days of doing nothing.  (which apparently teen boys like to do...nothing.)

I have enjoyed great times with my friends this summer.
Laughter, lots of laughter.  (and a few tears in there as well)
I'm seriously surrounded by the best people.   They are a special blessing that I never want to take for granted.

So, our current state is pretty chill.   Family, friends, love, happiness, all the mushy stuff.    As of today I'd call this summer a success.

best day ever

I have to say that today was probably the best Mother's Day of my mothering years.
We had plans to go hiking so we packed our lunch bag and started getting ready for the day.

The boys honored my mother's day wish by giving me a new picnic blanket.... just like I had requested.   I think this is the first year that they have gifted on their own accord.    I am proud.
And... I am officially old.  (please give me a picnic blanket. geez)

Our original hiking companions were unable to come today, so we headed across town to get another boy, from another mother.  (I was privileged to sneak Matthew away from his own mother for many hours today.  Thanks, Trena!)
We had a special breakfast at Bojangles.   (only special because my kids would never have agreed to Bojangles on a normal day!)

We hit the road and headed toward Mt. Pleasant for a day of hiking.   I was a pretty rad mom, maneuvering up a bumpy dirt road all on my own.   I remember when Thayer first took me to Cold Mountain, on the same road... and I was so intimidated by the ruts and bumps.  I thought he was so bad ass.... getting us to the hiking location.   This time I was driving like a boss!  ha.
More proof that I might actually be an adult!  ack!

We arrived at the trail head at noon.    My boys have camped on Mt. Pleasant, twice, so they knew what to expect and where to go.
I love having teen boys!

My big accomplishment on the hike was that I peed in the woods!!   Go Jill!     I was quite pleased that I remembered how.    And I recalled the first time I peed in the woods, back when I was dating Thayer.   I think it was my sister-in-law who had to teach me.    I squated like a pro today.  :)
To my horror, as I continued along the path.... the boys pointed out that my choice squatting location was in clear view of the looping trail!  Thank goodness there were no other hikers in the vicinity.     I can only imagine their horror!

We hiked to the summit and had our lunch.   The boys enjoyed showing me where they had camped on their previous visits.   I was quite impressed at the secludedness and wildness of it all.
I'm 100% sure that I won't be camping there. ever.  
I have no idea how they managed to carry their gear up on their previous adventures.   It was tiring!

I noticed something about myself today.
 I'm pretty sure that a year ago, at this time, I wouldn't have even considered such a hike.   I was at my heavist weight and I probably would have died.   I still have a long way to go on my weightloss journey... but my routine of walking everyday has shown that I'm in good enough shape to hike! This is such a relief.  I'm glad that I will be able to participate in these activities with my boys.  I want this to be a summer of adventure for us!  I am glad that I can be active with them.   This is great motivation to keep getting in shape.

I calculated that we hiked about 6.5 miles this afternoon.   Our excursion on the mountain took about 3.5 hours.
Including breakfast and travel time I was able to spend a whopping 7 hours of uniterrupted time with the kids.   I had a blast!!

After returning home, we showered and ordered pizza delivery!  (which I never order delivery!  this MUST be a special day!)   We watched a documentary about the Lemurs of Madagascar.... AND I still had time to download these pictures and blog!

I couldn't have asked for a better day!
I'm a blessed Mom indeed.

And the winner is...

This post will be akin to a runner's post.   So if you've ever read a runner's post....   Stop now.   Turn off the computer and walk away.  seriously.

I just completed my second Diet Bet.    And I won.  again.     It's not a huge feat... but I feel like I've accomplished something.   I'm not sure why the 'bet' has become my motivator.    It's just enough pressure to keep me motivated.

The amount of weight to lose for the duration of a Diet Bet game isn't much.  4% of your body weight.  
This month, I kind of slacked off... thinking, "I've got more time.  I'll lose those last pounds before the end of the game."   I was too casual about it, I suppose.

As time grew close, I had one pound to lose.  
The day prior to the official weigh in  (which is documented by photos posted to the site)  my thoughts were almost obsessive about whether I would win the weigh in.  
There is a 48 hour window for final weigh ins.... so I knew I had an extra day if things didn't go as planned.

Monday morning, I got on the scale and hit my goal weight for the month!!  Yay!  I was beyond thrilled.  I immediately knew that I'd celebrate with a trip to Bojangles for lunch.
I got off the scale and reached for my camera for the picture proof.  And when I stood back on the scale... I was one pound heavier!  what?!
holy crap!   no way!   I needed that picture!!
I used the bathroom again!, I moved the scale across the room!  Various numbers appeared on the scale... but not THE number I needed! And why the variation?!  I panicked for about 20 minutes, with no luck of having the magic number show up again.
Total defeat.

My only chance at winning would be Tuesday morning.  The pressure was immense.
I did all the right things on monday.  I ate well.  I walked and yoga-ed as usual.  I discussed with friends.  I obssesed.   I pondered that perhaps my scale batteries were dying.   But... no... the scale says "LO" when the batteries are low.

Monday night, I thought I'd get the scale out again and see if the numbers varied depending on the slope of the floor, or where I postioned it in the room.   Totally logical, right ?

9:45pm, the night before my final weigh in..... the scale reads "LO".
9:50 pm I peel into Walgreens holding a tiny circular battery.  Panic in my eyes, "Do you have little batteries like this?!"
I must have looked like an addict looking for a fix.     And the cashier saved my night.

6:15 Tuesday morning..... I weighed in .5 pounds under the designated goal.    My phone was in hand and I had photo proof.
I WON!!

Now.  Let's put things into perspective:

A one month Diet Bet.
2 days of complete crazy.  (my friends would think this is a low estimate)
I paid $30 into the cash pot.
My portion of the winnings..... $41.24.
My actual profit....$11.24.

Haha.   Total freak out over $11.

Obviously, It's not at all about the money.
It's ALL about the weight loss, the challenge, the accountability, and the success.
I still have a long way to go.   Ideally 40-45 pounds to go.

I'm starting a new Diet Bet on February 10th.  (wanna join me?)
In the meantime.... I'm planning a trip to Steak and Shake tomorrow.   Bring it.