on being 42

Each year I spend the beginning of June celebrating my birthday and catching up on appointments.      So far I've seen the chiropractor, the eye doctor and my primary care physician.   

 I passed the exams with flying colors.   So far, so good on the getting older front.

The chiropractor and I were talking about aging and he assumed that I was lamenting about getting older.   I had to correct him, and remind him that I see it as a blessing to get older.  Not everyone gets to see 42, ya know?   I DO consider it a priviledge to be here for another year.

The eye doctor, after saying that I just needed the same reading glasses that I've used for the last three years, tried to guess that I was also using them for distance sight.  

Nope.  I see distance well.  It's the little things that I get hung up on.

And that leads to the primary doctor... who had to talk me off of a high cliff that I've created about my weight, and then proceeded to show me my near perfect bloodwork numbers.   She was super encouraging and gave me statistics that show I'm moving in the right direction.  

The thing is... I see distance well.   I know that down the road, I plan to continue an active lifestyle,  that personal issues will be resolved, that relationships will be healed, that God works everything out... and that I will be Ok!     Even knowing all of this.... it's the little things that I get hung up on. 

Lord, help me get past the little things and stay focused on what you have in store!  

42 years.   Lord willing, another 42 to go.  (Well....maybe)

38

I turned 38 this month.   It was a milestone for me.
For the past several years I had anticipated 38 to be a rough birthday.

Thayer died three days before his 38th birthday.

My birthday came and went.... and was actually one of the best birthday weeks I've had.

Two days before my 38th birthday I realized that I have lived longer than Thayer.  
The thought was not nearly as emotional and sad as I had anticipated.
There is a bit of pride in making it 38 years.   I somehow wonder if I'm nearly as mature as Thayer seemed to be in his last days?   Have I surpassed him in any way?


Thayer was always the one I counted on to take care of our family and make the decisions.   He always seemed knowledgeable and wise about stuff.   Mostly because he was seven years older than me and had learned a lot of life lessons.
I learned much from him.
And now I'm older.  

It's just odd.

Thayer had grown up in the midst of many trials, and yet my biggest trial was his death.   Thayer was never able to see me grow and mature through the trials of life.  

The first few years after his death, when confronted with life stuff, I could still hear his advice.... his common sense.   I knew what he would say in certain situations.  I based many of my decisions on his silent voice.
Well... that was until I was tired of having imaginary conversations with a dead husband, and would often say outloud, "Well... you're not here!"....
and I learned to be rather independent.  :)

But now... even if I search for his silent voice I rarely hear him.  I don't have a clue how he would handle teenagers, what he would do in certain situations, or what our family would be like.
How would he make decisions as a 44 year old?
Looks like it's up to me at this point.

I've always been sad that we couldn't grow old together.   And it's a bit depressing as I continue to age, and he remains the same...  Frozen in pictures and in our minds.  Always 37.

The rest of us continue to age, grow, mature.   I am very thankful for that opportunity.   I am thankful for the time with my boys, my family and friends.  
Each day is a truly a gift.  
I am hopeful that my 39th year will be the best yet!

the age

I heard on the radio, yesterday, that the average age that most women try to "do it all" and balance a gazillion things is 33.
I can see that as being accurate to a point... since 33 year olds are typically in high gear with kids, work or family life.
And I know of other people my age who seem to be 'doing it all' for everyone. For their family, for the church, for friends, for the school, for the neighborhood, for the needy, for strangers, for charities, for random animals.

I, on the other hand, have weaned myself off of doing a gazillion things.
That isn't necessarily a good thing. But I'm content with my non-action right now.

I'd be first to admit that the death of a spouse certainly changes things on a 'to-do' list. Lots of crazy obsessions or OCD tendencies kinda get tossed aside when one's life is turned upside down. And the dream of becoming Ms. PTA instantly vaporizes when the reality of single parenting bulldozes into the home.
I know that some single parents keep the facade of 'doing it all' for everyone... but I know better. Somebody is suffering.
I'd rather not burn the candle at both ends... because my kids usually get burned along the way.

Don't get me wrong. My schedule is booked... pretty much all of the time. But... over the past few years, I have learned to say "no" rather easily. And I don't feel too much panic when something lies undone, or if errands are delayed, etc.

Haha. As I type this... I know that I NEED to put the clothes in the dryer TONIGHT or my morning routine will be shot! And, I realize that all of the dishes must be washed and put away before I go to bed each night.

um... so scratch the OCD statement above. :-)

whew. lost my train of thought.

regroup.

I guess what I'm trying to say... is that I don't feel guilty for my non-involvement these days. I am very fortunate to have some ME time built into my schedule... which never occurred in previous years.

I realize that I am very blessed to have the luxury of in-town family members who will watch my boys as needed.

(I know that other single moms who don't have this luxury.... so if you know someone like that.... volunteer to keep their kids!! It is SO important that they get a break!)

I can thank my family for two ladies nights each month AND for my Thursday night kick-boxing class. Those activities are a large part of what keeps me sane :) Along with all of the other random activities that get me out and about.

I'm hoping that as I pull myself back to sanity that I can slowly start to gain the initiative to reach out to others again. I'd like to see myself back in the school and involved at church... but I want to get myself straight first.
As of now... I'm content with my ME time and my sanity.
(even though some of you might doubt the 'sanity' part) :)

conclusion: don't include me on the list of 33 year olds that 'do-it all'.
Maybe when I'm older :)