feelings

for those of you who are expecting a fresh blog entry each day... I apologize for my "lack" yesterday.
I am SUPER proud of myself.... I made it to bed last night by 9:30 and I'm pretty sure I was asleep by 10:30!!! That is a FIRST in... well... since before Thayer died. I was up and rolling this morning without hitting the snooze button. That's a first as well.

I am shadowed by thoughts of Thayer.

I recently made the weird choice to take a whiff of his deodorant. And I instantly got a feeling of dread. (He didn't wear cologne so the deodorant smell is what I have always known.)

I also lost it today over our windows. The breeze had gotten chilly and I was shutting the windows around the house. Again, a feeling of dread over the fact that he won't be here to help keep us warm this winter.
(He was always the lumberjack who ran the wood stove. Luckily this house has a heat pump... but he was still the one who adjusted the thermostat to make things comfortable.)
Our first change of season, without him.

It's hard to explain this feeling of dread... it's a quick tight feeling in my chest accompanied by a shortness of breath and usually a whimper. It's a horrible reaction to things but it has become the norm. I am also thankful that I can feel this...that I can feel this grief.
I have also noticed more memories starting to show themselves. I am thankful that God is allowing me to "see".

on a brighter note, I am gearin up for a fun weekend. One of my best friends, Cathy, is getting married on Saturday so I get to partake in Bridesmaid fun over the next two days. I'm looking forward to some girl time and celebration.