They told me not to....

yep. After Thayer died, I was instructed by countless people that I should not watch the movie P.S. I Love You.
So of course when I ran across it at Blockbuster today, I HAD to rent it.
I knew that it would be a "crying movie" so I was prepared with my box of tissues.
And yes, I just cried for the last 127 minutes. And not just a few tears... I'm talking burning cheeks and loud weeping.
It was a great movie.

I must admit that I was a little jealous of the fact that the main character, Holly, was able to lose herself in her grief for a while. She was able to lock herself up in her apartment, make a huge mess, wear her husband's clothes and sing sad movie songs.
I never had that luxury to completely shut off.
(well... those of you who see me on a daily basis would probably say that I was "shut off" for much of last year) :)
But really... after Thayer died, I still had to get up in the mornings and tend to the kids. There wasn't much opportunity to sit around and be pathetic. And in SO many ways, I am thankful for my boys because they give me reason to keep going.

I am super thankful for all of the happy distractions I have had over the past year. There have been days and months where I haven't felt the least bit sad. I've experienced great joy and excitement. I've got great hope for my future!

But there are also times when I get tired of holding it together. And I want to be able to tell myself that it's okay if I cry in random places at random times. I'm not super woman... and it's hard trying to be.

I can relate to Holly when she says, "this wonderful man happens to me and then he died. What was the point? I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do, or what I don't do, or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean you're alone no matter what".

But, in response, Holly's mother says, "alone or not.. you gotta walk ahead.”

So. yep. That's what I'm gonna do.