changing seasons

The change of seasons.   The changes in life.
Sometimes so slowly we don't notice.  Sometimes so abruptly that it uproots us.

This week could have been my 20th wedding anniversary.   How bizarre to consider it when life has shifted in different directions. 
All of these years later.  We are good. This is where we are supposed to be. 

But... we had heard that the milestones would be hard. 

We received Daniel's graduation invitations in the mail recently and something crept up on me. 
No father here to witness and celebrate. 
I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.
I have yet to ask Daniel if he feels the same.... if he is acutely aware of Thayer's absence during this milestone moment. 
He seems fine.  He seems unemotional as usual.    Which makes me wonder if some of his aloof shell has to do with his father being gone all of this time.   How much has this loss really shaped him?   How much counseling will he need after being mothered by me?  haha

We are who we are.  Our life experiences have shaped us for better and worse. 
Seasons change, life changes. 
Somehow seasons are more predictable.   I noticed the red buds blooming this week and wondered about the tree we planted in honor of Thayer.   At the "old" house now. 
Sure enough... it IS blooming. 
Some things never change.  Yet little remains the same.

photo credit: Lisa Tibbs
4/9/19

thinking of Spring!

I had forgotten how much I enjoy spring.
We are currently enjoying a heat wave and I was reminded that activity can take place outdoors again!

Tonight I sit on my newly cleaned-off carport, breathing the toxic fumes of the weed killer that I used in my gravel drive.  (you are welcome, neighborhood.  yes, that's my poison you smell.)
I'm listening to the birds chirp and the crunch of  (what I assume to be) deer hooves in the back yard.
Daniel was out a few minutes ago, riding his bike in the cul-de-sac.
I can't believe that he is twelve.  He'll be thirteen this year.

Tomorrow would be my 14th wedding anniversary.     Earlier today I thought about how Daniel has been around for most of those years.   And the fact that Daniel has been around longer than I was married.  (married only 9 years) 
I looked at Daniel and thought about how proud Thayer would be of his boys.   Thayer knew them when they were still so young... and cute.   I sometimes wonder what he would have taught them by now.  I wonder what they would have done on the weekends.   I'm sure that I would have assigned them a zillion house projects, and the boys would be super familiar with everything at Lowes.  

April is one of my favorite months.   New life is starting to bloom.  The grass is magically greener and the blossoms are beautiful.   I'm waiting for the Red Bud tree in our front yard to bloom.  
It's the tree that we planted in memory of Thayer.   
Thayer and I came home from our Honeymoon in April of 1999.  The Virginia roads were lined with blooming Red Bud trees and I can remember how Thayer and I marveled at their purple beauty.  I had never noticed those trees before.

I'm waiting for the Spring Peepers to wake up.   I hear one or two random frogs right now. I don't think it's the peeps.  I know that spring will officially be here when our backyard becomes a chorus of peepers.   I look forward to that every year.

Spring break was refreshing.  The boys and I visited Thayer's family in South Carolina and then made a spontaneous stop at the NC Zoo.    Arriving late in the afternoon, the zoo informed us that our tickets would be valid the next day!    We decided to grab a hotel that night.    We had to make a stop at Walmart for swim trunks.  I  called every hotel in the vicinity until we found one with an available room and an indoor pool.  (which is a must!)    We had to travel to some unknown city about 20  miles away.... but it was totally worth it!    The boys and I LOVED the unplanned mini vacation! 

I feel like we are fresh, renewed, and ready to rock this spring!