what a ride

Tomorrow marks four calendar months since Thayer's death.
I just read through my personal journal entries from August through mid september.
Wow. I've come a long way... emotionally and spiritually.

I have gotten the hang of "being" without Thayer.
That may sound harsh... but it's true. I manage to breath, live and get through the day without him around. Our new normal isn't as painful as it could be. I am amazed at the strength that God has provided.

But don't get me wrong... I read my journal and wept. Those first responses to his death can be instantly relived. The reality of him really not being here can sink in, over and over. I still flash-back to those initial feelings and thoughts.

I can basically choose to wallow in those thoughts... or choose to turn and see God.
I have chosen to turn and see God... and it has been a wild ride.
I have experienced the deep pain of loss but also gained the amazing joy of surrendering my plans to God.
I have learned so much about faith and trust and hope.
I have learned that I can cry from sadness and sing praises to God simultaneously. (that amazes me!)
I have learned that God often sends encouragement from special people when I least expect it. And for that... I am truly thankful.

I know that I have a long way to go in my journey. I pray that I can keep focused on the road ahead of me.... while Jesus takes the wheel.