dear friend,

It must have been a God ordained moment for us to meet at Funquest.  (Knowing that our husbands had discussed getting the families together, and it never happened)…   So Funquest!   Who would have guessed?!  Apparently we hit it off.   
I’m murky on the in-between details but it seems like you’ve always been around.
You are a staple for our Sunday nights and a willing participant for mostly anything except those public drinks and group games.

We’ve had many conversations over the years….sharing many thoughts, struggles and “secrets”.   I’m glad that you are part of my tribe.   It’s nice to know that there is no topic left unturned when we’re all together…. except you’d clearly like to avoid talking about teeth.   Underwear over teeth any day.

Thank you for giving me a fresh perspective on many things.   You always reach to find a positive in every situation.    I sometimes sit in awe at how you can take a terrible thought or situation and give it a positive twist.    You strive to see the best in people as well.     Your self-proclaimed savior complex has been neat to watch in action.   You are very generous with your time, talents and resources.

Thank you for always hosting the fab pool parties and encouraging the summer get-togethers.    I enjoy the poolside chats and summer fun. 
Even though you are a “big deal” I love the way that you can get along with all types of people.   I love that you choose our little group.  Thanks for being a part of it all.   You’re a blessing.

dear friend,

You joined us at Kids’ Haven and quickly became a special person in my life.  
Through the support group, our widow’s group, our Lifegroup -- I am glad that you walked alongside me for many years.  
You were part of such an intricate support system that God provided.  I’m not sure how I would have handled my tragedy without having you and the others in my life.

I appreciate your deep empathy and your common sense advice for people going through all types of struggles.     
I can recall people in our groups facing problems and you would know exactly what questions to ask.   You are a thoughtful listener and you offer great advice and encouragement.
I love your no-nonsense approach to life.    You are bold and honest.

Your continued involvement with Kids’ Haven and your voice for the AFSP really warms my heart.   It is so special to see you blessing others and bringing awareness.    Your journey is painful, yet powerful, and I hope that you continue to use your experiences to help others.

Our kids were so young when we met…. And now they are close to adulthood!  You’ve done a great job as a solo parent.  I’m proud of you… and your kids.  There is a bright future ahead!

Life has caused our time together to be lessened over the past few years, but please know you are always one of my favorites.      I’m so glad you have been a part of my story.   You are a blessing.

dear friend

I think I've been bragging on my friends for years!   It's a common thing for me to talk about my friends.  Especially how friends are the people who will most likely be around long after husbands and family are gone.
(Family is great.  I have a wonderful family.   My sisters are awesome... and they are my good friends by default. )
But other friends?....  are the people who actually choose to be around you.  That is a special gift.

Last month I attended a women's event and was inspired to host a get-together to honor my lifelong/special friends.   
Kind of a silly story.... but it turns out that I invented "Galentine's Day"....never mind the fact that it was already a thing that I didn't know about.  Go figure.

In preparation for my Galentine's event,  I decided to write a letter to each friend.    I would seclude myself each evening, and tell Greg I was writing my "love letters".    I worked on one letter each day, with one friend in mind, over the course of two weeks.  It was actually a special time as I considered how each friend has impacted my life. 

I read the letters out loud at the party..... and it turns out that I'm afraid of public speaking even with an audience of my close friends!   

I plan to share these letters, names excluded, for the next 12 days.   Valentine's week seems like a good week for me to share my mushiness.
I marvel at how different all of these women are and how they have each enriched my life in specific, tangible ways.    I could brag on them for.ev.er.  I am one blessed girl!

uncluttered

I have written about the impact of my environment on my emotional state for years. 

Many years ago, I correlated my mood with the condition of my house.     And thus began my journey into minimalism.... that I didn't really realize was "minimalism" until the movement presented itself to me in more recent years.

The process/art of downsizing has always fascinated me.  I'm not a sentimental person.... so purging is a rewarding hobby of sorts.

When we combined two houses and moved in December of 2017 I was able to part with tons of things that would be unnecessary in my "new life".
Now that we have been in this house for a year, I knew that I wanted to start going room by room and reevaluating what items were necessary going forward.

It just so happened that one of my favorite minimalist authors released a book last month, The Minimalist Home.    The book is a room-by-room guide to decluttering.   So Perfect!  It's been a reminder and encouragement to continue what I'm doing.

I'm almost done reading the book and I've almost re-evaluated all the spaces in our house.  

I think the kitchen is on the agenda this week and the garage will be pending until warmer weather. 

Greg and I  most recently tackled our clothes closets and dresser drawers.   We gathered a large bag of clothing to donate and everything was organized nicely.   

Whenever I clean out a closet or drawer, I find myself going back to admire my work several times. :) It's such a great feeling!

This past weekend, we had completed our tasks and I sat down to watch Netflix.   

Lo and Behold! I saw that Netflix has an original series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.   

Well, well, well.   Doesn't that just feed my fire?    After one episode, I was up in my room refolding all of the clothes I had just organized.    

Her folding game is a life changer!  I will never look at my underwear in the same way again.   

I'm hooked.

Although Marie's "tidying" differs slightly from "minimalism", I am gathering some good ideas that enhance my goals.
I'm feeling lighter each day! 

two on wheels

The milestone is upon us where both of my boys are on wheels.   

Lucas drove the commute to school this morning on his own, and I must admit I was a bit nervous. That one has a lead foot.
The eldest thinks that he owns a super car, hence his car is currently in the shop.

Having kids on wheels is great!   They can transport themselves to work, to social things, to the store.
 Lucas has been on his own, technically, for two days.... and he announced that he was going to the library this afternoon. 
What?!   (I'm pretty sure he parked at the library to play 'Pokemon Go')  ;)
But.... he went! Out of his room!

Thus begins a new era in our household.

It's obvious that we raise our kids up and hope they make the right decisions as adults.   But I realized in more recent years that we raise our kids up in hopes that they make the right decision once they have wheels.  THAT is the moment that you send your kids out in the world and PRAY that they don't end up making horrible decisions or end up dead.   
Once they leave my door, I can only pray that God places some angels around them.   And in the case of my kids..... they need an army of angels!

The lesson here:  those of you who think you have until the age of 18 to mold your babies.....Think again. 
It's 16.
May I also remind you:  Male brains don't fully develop until the age of 25.
You can do the math here.

I'm not a worrier by nature.   I know that my thoughts and fears can not, and will not, affect an outcome.   I don't sit at home and bite my nails while the boys are out.   
I try not to imagine worst case scenarios.  (I live with a man that does that for me) ;)
I can only assume that they are OK.  (I'm fully aware that they could be doing some dumb stuff!)
Honestly, I know that I'll get a knock at the door if something terrible happens.  I've been there.

At the end of the day, I'm just relieved once we are all home and safe in our beds.   
I'm relishing the fact that they are still under my roof for a short time.  I'll take what I can get.

small changes

It's January.   No time for the usual "new year, new you" jargon. 
I just need to make the changes.    Small changes.  Things I've neglected.  Things I know better about.  Things that would make me happy.
I don't call these resolutions.... but whatev.

1.  The weight.
I am crushed having to blog about this again. and again, and again. 

I happened to read a post from January 2017.... where I had "lost the weight".  All high and mighty.  I had found the key. I had reached my goal. 
Well, crap all over that.
Over the last two years, I've gained back 20 pounds +/-.
Turns out that weight will always be a struggle for me. 
So.... I need to get serious again.
Small changes.

2. Writing.

I don't consider myself a writer... but I have always enjoyed blogging.   Last June, I declared that I wanted to write a book.   Someone recommended a writing coach.  I set out to look back through all of my blog posts. 
Well..... I haven't done anything.
I'm going to challenge myself* to break out this laptop, hopefully once a week or so, and just blog about life again.   
Small changes.


*challenge accepted, hence this post

one year

Well, technically, one year and almost two months.   
I  have habitually blogged on anniversary dates... yet I procrastinated on this very special anniversary. 

Greg and I celebrated our 1st anniversary on July 31st. 
To celebrate, he arranged a trip for us to visit a cutsie zoo in NC that we had been watching on TV.
It was a great get-away.

One year of marriage.

It has been a full year.   We bought a house, moved, settled in, tended to all of the "money pit" issues that arose (and there were MANY.  The house in itself has been such a blessing, and a headache.)
The boys are settled in to their school and work routines.   Things are currently going smoothly.

I've jokingly/truthfully admitted that the honeymoon is over. 
I have been challenged this year.  I am relearning how to be accountable to another person.   Greg has been tolerant of my "I do what I want" attitude.   Because frankly, "I do what I want". 
And I think he's learning how to live with a woman who can be out of control at times. 
He has been gracious. 
Also, I think the graciousness might go both ways at times.  :)

This year has been full of laughter, snarkiness, sarcasm, traveling, working, playing, pool maintenance, swimming, hosting friends, celebrations, eating out, cooking in, watching TV,  and lots of yard work.   
We have a fine dose of reality here.   
Ultimately a large bounty of blessings as well.

Yesterday I referenced Greg in a meeting by saying, "I guess he's been pretty good for me." 
We chuckled at how flippant that sounded.
In actuality, Greg has been exactly what I needed.   He is a good man, a great provider and a wonderful addition to our family.    I know he will be my rock and my companion for however many years we have ahead of us.
I often get carried away with mundane and the irritations of life and I sometimes lose sight of just how important Greg is to me.    The gift of a husband should never be taken for granted. 
I, of all people, should remember that.   (And shame on me for losing sight of that at times!)
The other night I looked over, saw his wedding ring, and thought to myself, "he chose me.  How very lucky I am. Don't forget how much this means."

One year of marriage in the books.   
The starting over, the learning, the growing.   I know the best is yet to come.

I love you, Greg.

a decade

August 16th marked 10 years without Thayer.   The date came and went. 
Our family gathered for a birthday swim and dinner, on what would have been Thayer's 48th birthday, on August 19th. 
(I joked that even death can't stop a son-in-law from having a Gowell birthday party.) :)
The death anniversary and birthday week went by unnoticed by most people.  However I think my body always subconsciously knows.... and I was kind of a wreck under my skin for about a week.

10 years.  That's a decade.   I didn't piece that together until my friend Jennifer noted that her fiance had also been gone for a decade.     I keep saying that I knew Thayer a lifetime ago.  It sure feels that way.

This week we were notified of the unexpected death of Scott Baker, our former worship leader and Thayer's friend from years ago. 
Considering I didn't know Scott very well on a personal basis, I was actually surprised that the news of his death has rattled me. Since the news I have spiraled back in time..... and it does feel like a lifetime ago.    I find myself grieving for Scott's people, re-grieving Thayer's death, and ultimately grieving the past that was literally decades ago.

Thayer was involved with Grace Church when I came upon the scene in 1997.  Scott was the worship leader during that time.   I recall how Scott's original music and the worship team's style and presentation were instrumental in our early relationship and early years of our marriage.  The songs were rich and impactful, and were an integral part of our spiritual growth as a couple.  I can recall having those songs in my head every week.... all week... after a Sunday service.   It's hard to capture in words what a sweet period of time that was at Grace Church.    But those who were there can certainly reminisce. 

I hear Scott was at Thayer's funeral in 2008.  And I do vaguely remember him there amidst my fog.
And here we are 10  years later and I'm following posts online about Scott's funeral.  Those precious people from Grace are saying goodbye to yet another one gone too soon.

I cried on my way to work yesterday as I envisioned how Thayer would react to happening upon Scott in heaven.  I know he will be ecstatic.  What a reunion. 
If Scott needs a sound guy in heaven.... I know a good one.   :)

the end of an era

The cat who has caused me so much heartache over the past few years..... has been missing for five weeks.    She disappeared on Saturday, June 16th after hanging out in the yard with me that morning.   We were even tickled that she approached Greg while he spoke to her from our bathroom window.     
Perhaps she was saying her goodbyes that morning. Who knows.

Last photo evidence of Blueberry taken the morning of June16, 2018

Her disappearance was honestly a very bittersweet thing.   The not knowing of her circumstances is the worst part.   Did she just go off to die?  Was she eaten?   Did she suffer?  Did a neighbor down the road take her in, thinking she was a stray?  Will we see her on someone's porch a month from now?  

I have jokingly said that I will write a children's book,  What Happened to Blueberry?

Maybe she fought to the death when a large eagle swooped down and took her away.

Perhaps she was taken in by a pack of wolves to be raised as their own.

Maybe she jumped a train and joined the circus.

At the end... "What do YOU think happened to Blueberry?"

 

Lucas has high hopes that she just found some other suckers to feed her.... who may also treat her diabetes.... and she'll live another 10 years in the lap of luxury.

I, on the otherhand, figure that she has long been taken back into the earth from whence she came.

see!  I DO have a heart.   I bought this as her memorial stone...

With the saddness of the unknown, there was a bit of relief for me as well.  I had always kind of hoped that she would just pass away on her own.  The thought of putting her down at the vet always filled me with dread.   The end of life decisions are gut wrenching.... and I had already gone down that thought process with her TWICE before.....and yet she pulled herself together each time. 

I am actually hesitant to type this post, almost in fear that she'll show up on our porch tomorrow.... just because that's the type of thing she would do to me.   punk.

This past week was the first time in Eighteen (18!) years that I did not have to secure a pet sitter while we were gone on a family vacation.    That was very nice.    But it was also the first time in 18 years that we didn't have a pet at home waiting for our return. 
The doorways have been vacant and lonely.

a new goal

When I said that I wanted to start blogging again, my friend jokingly narrated what my blog would read like: 

Summer, Day 27.

 2:40pm.  

Floating in pool.

No joke.  That's what my last few days have been like.   

No hating please.

My "material" for blogging is rather dry these days unless it would be couth to blog about how I watched the cat eat an entire rabbit the other day.   Or about how the cat has been missing for over 24 hours.... and I have very mixed emotions about it.

I read somewhere that writers are only able to write if they are proficient in reading.... so I've read a couple of books lately.   Reading is not really my go-to, but once I start- I usually dig it.    

This week, I tore through the book Girl, Wash Your Face.    In a nut shell... it was a straight shooting self-help type book that gave me encouragement to stop making excuses, be more confident and DO life for myself.    I can estimate that the "high" from this book will last about a week and then I'll fall back into my routine.     So before that happens, I was instructed by the author to physically write down my goal/dream.   

Here goes:

(deep breath)

I want to write a book.

Oh goodness.  That is a terrifying sentence.  Like nausea terrifying.    This could take ages.... and usually every ounce of me says that it would be impossible.  Absurd.

However.... this week, I started pondering through the legit steps I would want to take in order to even consider such a feat.   

1. Quit my job to write full time.

2. Build a nifty writing bungalow out back.

I obviously don't know the proper way to start a book.   But I'm going to push myself to do some "research" as I press ahead with this crazy dream.   

 Today, I'm setting my summer goal: to read through all of my past blog posts.

I know it will be baby steps from there.   I've always said "one day" I'll think about writing a book, or "maybe when I retire" I'll write a book.   The truth is.... if I don't think about it now.... it may never happen. 
So....it begins...

my confession

I haven't uttered these thoughts to anyone, but I've been wanting to share for days.

As I have testified, my current life is overflowing with blessings.   The past months have been so full!  New marriage, new-ish job, new house, new beginnings, etc. etc.    Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for his provisions. 

But here's the kicker, y'all! : For the past few months...at the end of the day.... I have been...unhappy.

I've known deep in my heart that my unhappiness is the fact that I have been slowly letting go of my grip on Jesus.     And my prayer for several months has been, "Lord... give me a desire for You."

You see...with all of the new, all of the excitement... My focus changed.  With so many blessings came so many distractions. 
My heart and mind know that Jesus HAS to be the focus.... but I shifted my eyes... just for a second.    And here I found myself with a Jesus sized hole in my heart and an aching for more.
So my simple prayer..... "Give me a desire for You.".

I wanted Jesus back.... but He felt out of arm's reach.  How foolish of me to let go.

 I reflect now about how many times I have blogged about being content.   Content in my circumstances.  Content in my waiting.
 I now know that I was content because I had a death grip on Jesus.  He was my intense focus.   When our eyes are on Jesus, there is joy in ALL circumstances. 

I was distracted by the blessings.... and my contentment dissipated.

I'm here to preach because I've finally witnessed this first hand:
There is no amount of husband, house, job, children, money, friends or family that can fill up your heart with joy and contentment the way that Jesus does.  

My simple prayer.... "Give me a desire for You".
God has been answering this prayer boldly this week.    Little things have shifted my focus and I've found that Jesus was right here, arms open.  It's kinda like falling in love with Him all over again, yet we're picking up right where we left off.

Lord, fix my eyes on you.

this year

At the end of this year I am considering what to reflect on.    This year has been full.  Full of memories and full of "new".   

We grieved the death of Grandma Botham.   

We have grieved the cat that won't actually die.    

We  have traveled.   We have worked.  We I have cried.   We have celebrated.

Greg and I were engaged.  Greg and I were married.  The boys gained a step-dad.  I gained a step-daughter.  

We finally got that "house in the country" that I've been dreaming about for years.    

It's almost like our little life got wrapped up in  a pretty bow this year.

I really haven't had too much time to let that thought sink in. (But wow... Thank you, God!)

The month of December was packed full with prepping and cleaning at the new house.   The movers moved us in on December 15th.   We were pretty much unpacked and settled before Christmas.   It's been busy, yet so rewarding.   It's been fun, and exhausting, making this house a home.

As I journeyed to our house on moving day.... I was admiring the countryside and it hit me that "this is what I've been waiting for".   I actually had tears of joy as I thanked God for bringing me to this point.   The new husband, the new house, a new beginning for our family.  It's still kind of surreal.

The last few months have not been easy....Seriously... not easy...at all.... but I'm hopeful and excited about the future.

I absolutely love our new place.   It's just far enough in the country to feel like it's country.... but it's only 20-30 minutes from where we need to be in town.   Better yet.... we are only 5 minutes to the nearest grocery store, post office, gas station, and several restaurants.   The location is perfect.

We have 3.5 acres and a swimming pool.    The acreage was on my wish list (though I had always wanted more.... this is pretty perfect).  And the pool was on Greg's wish list (but I assume we will all  benefit).   

In the new year, I'm excited to see what the four seasons will bring to our home.   I have visions of get-togethers, campfires, camping, swimming, game nights. 

2018.... here we come!

another entirely too long post about the cat

The cat.   She was diagnosed to probably have diabetes last Feburary.  At the time, she wasn't eating, and I was told that I would probably have to put her down in a few weeks.  I grieved, I cried, I wept.  She was pretty much in the grave and I was counting our last days with her.  Seriously people....I have mourned this cat!
Then... she started eating.   I started a high protein diet recommended by the vet.   Three cans of the fancy stuff a day.    $45 a month to feed a 5 pound cat.   
Over the past months, there have been three times that she had a 'set-back' in which I planned to "give her a few more days, and then I'll make the appointment to put her down".  I grieved again... hating to make end of life decisions.  EACH TIME.... she started eating again.   And EACH TIME she started another cat life... and seemed to get more mentally crazy each go-round. 
To make matters escalate, her appetite became so insatiable that she bummed food off of the neighbors and even ate the food intended for other neighborhood cats.    I really have no idea how much food she consumed each day. .... until we moved.     (and now we're having to supplement with tons of dry food.... because she is CRAZY.)
 We've got the new house (which I'll write about soon) with tons of land for her to roam.     She has been an outdoor cat for months.... and it's been a challenge to keep her inside during these cold winter nights.  I am eager to get her transitioned and back outside during the days.
To transition homes properly, we kept her inside for several days, then Lucas assisted her with walks around the property.  After she got her bearings we allowed her outside on her own. 
The first day unattended she was gone adventuring for HOURS... and Greg was determined that she was dead.   (I figured we wouldn't be that lucky.)
(My friends say that I'm so cold hearted towards the cat..... and I am outwardly.... but let's keep in mind that we do EVERYTHING right by this cat.)
Yesterday, a van pulled into our driveway as we arrived home.  It was our new next door neighbor, who introduced herself and then asked us if we have a cat.   I was SOoooo expecting for her to inform us that the cat had been hit by a car. 
BUT.... she said, "It's in our house and won't leave".
You have got to be kidding me!
Blueberry had made her way through their doggy door and was chased Grand Prix style by the three resident dogs... through the neighbors house!    She ended up on the back of a chair and wouldn't budge. 
The neighbors were good sports about it... but this has thrown a major kink in everyone's routine.
Blueberry is "grounded" for a few days until we can figure out what to do with her.    She needs to be outdoors.... but we can't allow her to surprise the neighbors again.   I REALLY hope the run-in with the dogs will deter her from entering their home again.
Just when I thought things were getting settled, I feel like the cat is holding us hostage.     This cat will be the end of my sanity at some point. 
I've known since February that our time is short with her.   (or so we think).
And I know that when she's gone that there will be tears.   (mostly tears of relief). 
I've never owned an animal that has caused so much drama.     Blueberry is certainly one of kind.

Photo cred to the new neighbor. 
 This appears to have been taken shortly after the chase.   Look at how big her tail is!!

radio silence

I'm slowly realizing that my blogging hobby has come to a screeching halt.

I remember reading another blog that described how "mommy blogs" are prevalent.... but when it comes to teenagers, the blogging community is silent.     It's not the fact that parenting suddenly becomes simple or uneventful.     It's quite the opposite. When dealing with teenagers, it's just not appropriate to air their dirty laundry on the world wide web.  (There is SO much dirty laundry.... literally and figuratively!)   However these kids have suddenly become close-to adult age and I assume it's nice to respect their privacy.

I initially used this blog to update my parents when we lived out of town. 
I then used the blog as a form of therapy after Thayer died.   My writing has been an integral part of my journey, my grief, my healing, our life story.

Our life story is still in full swing but I just haven't been able to share.   The teenage boys, the new husband, the new job, selling houses, the upcoming move to a new house, personal challenges, career challenges. 
BIG life transitions. 
Greg has been hit the hardest with life change and yet he is as solid as a rock.   I'm so thankful for him.     He is my confidant and my sounding board.    I've honestly not needed to blog because I have him here to listen to my thoughts.   How precious it is to have someone to share your life with.
(Alas, Greg is an adult too, with a fairly public job.... which requires that I respect his privacy as well.)

So...all of these factors leave my blogging mind a little hush hush for now.     We'll see if the future brings about more opportunity for deep thoughts that require a bit of typing. 
I hope so....

married with children

I've had a lot of time today to think.  

I'm overcome with gratitude for my new hubby.

We were married on July 31st.... so it's been 1.5 months of adjusting to living together, parenting together, syncing schedules, joining finances, making necessary name and address changes,  melding our lives together.        I'd be lying if I didn't say that it has been challenging.      Combining two 'grown-up' lives seems to entail more detail than kids starting off fresh together.

Despite all of the technical details, I think things are going well.   I know that they could be much worse if our 'baggage' was any different.

I think Greg is rocking the step-dad thing.   He would say otherwise.   

I'm so proud of him and I can see that the boys are receptive, and happy, to have a man in the house again.    Greg might say differently about the boys... simply because he's never lived with two teenage boys.    I like to say that I can see a noted difference in their attitudes since Greg moved in..... and Greg says he can't imagine how bad they must have been before.  haha.

Today, I threw my back out.... again.  This happens about twice a year and it is VERY discouraging.

Today's incident happened while doing yoga, which REALLY ticks me off.   I'm doing my best to stay in shape and be active, only to be incapitated when least expected.    It's really a buzz kill.

This was the first time that Greg witnessed my physical fail.    And I failed hard.    

Greg didn't miss a beat.   He was by my side, helping me out, all day.  
In the past, being the only adult in the house,  I've had to put on my big girl pants and deal with the pain.  (there have also been times when I had to call in my parents for reinforcement).
Greg had to feed me lunch today, and he vacuumed, and did my house chores too!  There is something crazy humbling about loosing the ability to do all of the things we take for granted, and having someone else step in to assist.    Even through the emotion of the day,  I was so glad to have him there with me.  I was certainly appreciating the blessing of having him in my life.

This was also a taste of what life could bring as we age.    I'm sad that he had to experience that role, of care taker, less than two months into our marriage.   He's a good man.

I'm praying for a quick recovery.   I'm anxious to continue on this new journey with him.
So far, so good!    

9 years

(Yep.  The wedding happened.   I'm still in love.  And I'll elaborate on that in another post)

However, I do need to pause for a moment to address this day.
On my calendar for August 16th is a hand drawn heart with "2008" written next to it.

Today marks nine years without Thayer.
I've been gearing up for this day, as usual.  Every year is different.  
This year, I've been happily distracted for a few weeks as we are adjusting to being a family of four again.

To keep with tradition, I have a family dinner planned on Saturday, in memory of Thayer's birthday.   He would have been 47.
Greg and I were just talking about how Thayer will always be 37.   I wonder how he would have aged?   I see his family members and I get an idea....but who really knows?

After my jog this morning, I took a few moments to reflect on Thayer, his impact on our family, and just how much has changed since his exit.  
Nine years has been a long time.    I've said before that it feels like another life.    It was.  
Thinking of Thayer, I smile.   And this morning I was surprised that I only shed a single tear.   As it rolled down my cheek, I thought about how much grief changes over time.    Even typing this... I am in awe of the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful things I have learned through my grieving.  (I'm pretty sure I could muster up a big cry right now.... but I want to embrace my current happy.)

Nine years.
I'm living a life, now, that I never imagined, and it has caught me by surprise.

The boys are unfazed as usual by the date.
They are aware that we'll be commemorating Thayer's birthday as usual.
I always wonder how they process things.
Daniel mentioned that he thought it had been longer than 9 years.
 How quickly time gets away from us.

Am I ready?

People keep asking me, "Are you ready?"  or  "Are you excited?"..... and I say, "for what?"  
A friend today said, "8 more days!"..... and I replied, "till what?"
 (cue "dumb blond" comments)

It's my wedding they are referring to.  Of course!
 And YES!  I am SO ready to marry Greg.   The wedding itself is the easiest thing I have planned.     I am ready, ready, ready to say "I do" and run away on our honeymoon.

It's the process of combining households, and prepping for an eventual move, that has majorly distracted me from all of the pre-wedding giddiness.    For weeks I have been consumed with preparation.  
Purging, Goodwill-ing, yard sale-ing.     Furniture has been moved, carpets have been cleaned, walls painted.
The minimilist in me is feeling good.... but the amount of  "stuff" I have sorted through has made me a mess.    Clutter makes me freak out a bit a lot.   The amount of clutter I have handled  from closets and basements have almost put me over the edge.      The yard sale and my basement storage room have given me anxiety that I have never experienced before.  It's almost crippling.

But! I push through knowing that each step brings me closer to welcoming Greg into our home AND having things organized for a future move.    So many new and exciting changes ahead.

After a melt down earlier today (and probably every day prior to today) I had to remind myself that the house, the projects, the organization are not the important things.
My relationship with God, Greg, my family, my friends are the important things.
I vow to take it slower this week and revel in some pre-wedding excitiement.

Oh!  Side note:  Please read about our yard sale HERE.

the yard sale

The yard sale happened a few weeks ago.   I am SO glad to have that behind me.  I hate yard sales.

The morning of the yard sale,  I walked past my dresser where I had laid a check and some cash that were going to be applied to my boys' Mexico trip.    I casually waved my hand over and said, "Lord, provide the rest".

As the day went on, we discussed how the yard sale money would be helping send my boys to Mexico.   I figured we would make a small profit that day.  I would apply it to their balance which was due the following morning.

After the nightmare of the yard sale was done.... after we delivered boxes to Goodwill, after I took down signs, after I cleaned up the house..... I finally sat to count the money.

I thought about Mexico and figured out that the boys still needed $456 to cover the remainder of the trip.

After counting and re-counting....  our profit was..... $457!

THAT is a God thing, people.
Praise Him.

The boys got back from Mexico tonight.  Thanks to all of you who made the trip possible.  :)

mid life

I celebrated my 40th birthday this month.    40.    The cliche age for midlife crisis.  Men buy fancy cars.   Women start to get plastic surgery.  

 Me?  I'm getting married again.... and I couldn't be happier.

I never knew exactly how I would want to get married the second time.  I knew I didn't want fanfare. Something simple.  Something fun.   

It turns out when you have a fairly large family and lots of friends.... nothing is simple.    So.... Greg and I opted for what would make me happiest.
Plan A...courthouse wedding, just us.

Plan B....courthouse wedding, just us and our kids.

Plan C.... and the plan we're sticking to.... tiny church ceremony with only our parents and kids in attendance.   

This will happen at the end of July.

The wedding part is great.   Simple.  I'm excited.  Can't wait to marry this man.

In the meantime, we're cleaning out and organizing two houses, getting ready for a yard sale, thinking about moving, thinking about combining households/finances/ becoming stepparents.   

Getting married as an older adult is a lot of work!  

I'm looking forward to the day when the transition part is behind us and we can settle in to our new life together.
I know it will be bumpy for a while.   

So.... baby steps.  

First thing --yard sale on July 8th.  #ihateyardsales

It's official!

April 30th was a beautiful, sunny, breezy Sunday.   After church, and lunch, Greg and I reluctantly agreed that we should make use of the day and pull the weeds from our yards.   We worked in both yards all afternoon and then took Daniel to dinner.  (Lucas didn't feel up to leaving the basement).

We took Daniel home and then drove back to Greg's house.

Greg suggested that we sit on the back deck and enjoy the evening. After a quick trip to the bathroom I joined him on the deck.    It was twilight and there was a glimpse of the crescent moon above.

I immediately sat and started rambling and rambling about whatever topic had been on my mind.
A few moments later Greg placed a little black ring box on the table.    

Just like that.  Bam!

WOW!  

THIS IS IT!   I was SO surprised!  Like really surprised.  

It was his turn to ramble a bit as I sat in my goofy surprised state.   I was so happy. 

He declared his love for me and asked me to marry him and to be his wife.

He proceeded to open the box-- and the ring took me by surprise too!  It is gorgeous.   Seriously gorgeous.

The moment was simple..... yet just what I wanted.... a completely perfect proposal.

I am now happily engaged to this man that I love!!

We've been talking about marriage for months.    I had expressed to him that I didn't need an over the top proposal.  And it's not all about the ring either.  

The element of surprise was absolutely the best part.   I had NO idea that he was going to propose at that moment.  It wasn't a special occasion, in which my suspicion would have been heightened, or anything out of the ordinary.    It was just a perfect ending to a great day.

I've slowly informed people about our engagement over the past few days.   I'm greeted with congratulations and in some cases.... tears!   This took me by surprise at first.   And then I started to appreciate just how many people have been truly invested in me over the past years.   I have had so many cheerleaders!

There were times when I thought I would never find love again.  I learned to find contentment in being single.  
Yet, by the grace of God, here I am....almost forty years old... and engaged to be married.     It's almost surreal.   

It's been quite a journey as a widow and single mom.   The opportunity to marry again doesn't magically erase the pain of the past years.   I have grown so much through my pain and I have learned that I don't want to take this second chance at love for granted.
Greg is an answer to prayers that I have prayed for years.   God has known the desires of my heart and He has provided, yet again.   The wait was long... but God's timing is perfect.  

I couldn't ask for a better man.   

(I love you, Greg.  I'm looking forward to starting a life with you!)

Grandma B

It had been less than a year after Thayer's grandfather's death and here I was planning another trip to Colorado.

Thayer's precious grandmother, Ellie Botham, died on Sunday, March 19th.  

No one was expecting her to decline so quickly over the past few months.   We had high hopes that she would flourish for several more years and enjoy the company of close friends in her retirement community.   But God had other plans.

Upon the news of her death I struggled with who, when, and how we would make another trip to Colorado.  Turns out that the other kids in the family wouldn't be making the trip, so I decided to leave mine behind as well.   I was contemplating making the trip on my own.    Thankfully Greg agreed to be my travel companion.

I was asked by several people if it would be "weird" or "awkward" to have Greg in the midst of Thayer's family.   (Seriously.... everyone has used the word "awkward".)
I, personally, was fine with it.

I love the Bothams.  

I love Greg.   

 It was natural for me to want them to meet.     From my perspective, the weekend was a sweet combination of old and new.    Greg was able to learn a bit more about Thayer's family and the Bothams were very accepting and welcoming.    They finally got to meet the man I rave about. :)
My heart is full.    I really appreciate all parties making it a special reunion/meeting.   It meant a lot to me.  

The weekend consisted of two memorial services for Grandma Botham. 

Thad and Fay (Thayer's aunt) eloquently shared stories and memories of Ellie.  They honored her in a beautiful way.

 Friends had the opportunity to share memories and it was so refreshing to hear folks talk about how Ellie had blessed them with her friendship, her music, her care.

   

I can probably count on two hands how many times I have visited with Ellie in person.   But those times were always precious.  She was a special lady.  I can remember her calm demeanor and beautiful smile on her face.   She was so joyful.
I can recall her good cooking, ice cream after dinner, piano playing, walks in the neighborhood, and smiles over my boys.
Thayer and I vacationed with Ellie and Ken in Willimantic, Connecticut many years ago.   I remember walking through an old Methodist campground listening to Ellie tell stories about her own mother and grandmother.    We enjoyed a nice trip to the coast and hearing about their upbringing in Connecticut.

Sadly, I don't remember any of the juicy details.  :(

Ellie and I have corresponded back and forth over the past 17 years.  Cards and letters updating on the latest happenings. She and I kept in touch and it was always nice when we had the privilege to see each other in person. The boys and I  last saw her in May of 2016 for Grandpa B's memorial service.  

(My silly memory of that visit is that I remember that she couldn't hear a word I said.   I think that her hearing aids didn't pick up on the pitch of my voice. And most of what I said was answered with a smile.)  :)

With the loss of Grandma B, the boys and I lose one more part of Thayer.     She is the last of the Grandparents to leave us.   She will be missed.
I have sat and thought about how fortunate Thayer and Thad were to be raised by two sets of Grandparents.  I am so thankful for the investment that the Bothams and Jantzs made into those boys!
I was blessed to have known all four of the grandparents.  My boys have also been fortunate to have known so many of their Great-grandparents!  (Not many people can say that!)  

Ellie with Silas, Lucas and Daniel
May 2016

Jill, Greg, Thad, Fay and Tahlia
March 25, 2017

After the memorial service.
Jill & Greg, Thad, Fay & Tahlia,
Roxanne (family friend)
March 26, 2017

again

Clacking out words on this keyboard has always been cheaper than therapy.    This blog has been my voice, when I didn't think I had one.
The upside is that I guess I haven't needed much therapy thus far in 2017.   And I'm only signing on today to share the upside of a down situation.

As we all recall.... 2015 was full of 'cat' posts as we prepared to say goodbye to our old cat, Mr. Q.   To make this story very short.... and hopefully to avoid a million more cat posts.... our remaining cat, Blueberry, is currently a dead cat walking.     I've grieved a bit, and now I have put on my big girl pants and I'm facing this end of life stuff with a harder heart this go-round.  

This week, while I was having my meltdown and feeling alone in my cat despair,  Facebook notified me.... not once... but twice... that my pastor's wife had posted in a FB group.   I reluctantly signed in to see that she had simply posted 2 Corinthians 1:3 which says, "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort".
Yup.  Great reminder that God knows my heart, my abilities and that he is merciful and will bring comfort in all situations.   Even in the death of another cat.

Then, moments later... my Dad showed up.   I must admit that I'm often taken off guard when he shows up unexpectedly, but this was perfect timing.   God knew that he needed to send my Daddy to me at that time.   My Dad listened to the cat drama and reassured me.
Sigh.

Two God winks in one day.    That's the upside!

This post is my declaration that I'm gonna face this impending cat death like a boss.   Yes, I'm heartbroken.... but I'm accepting God's mercy and comfort.
Not much else to do.

this past year

(I want to preface this blog with acknowledgment that this past year has been difficult for lots of people. Family and friends have faced death, illness, heartbreak, unemployment, and strained relationships... to name a few.  I know that many folks are glad to see the end of 2016 and they are praying for a better year to come. 

 I wish everyone a better 2017!)

 January 1st has always been my day for reflection, and summarizing, of the past year.    My blog posts from the year always remind me of how far our family has come, or they emphasize things that have been important to me.

Well...   I only posted 14 times this year.   ha.

I was apparently too busy to blog this year while I was managing family, friends, my new man, and new hobbies.  
 To sum up my year... it was awesome!   I feel confident to say that this has probably been my best year.... in years!

I didn't claim 2016 as my own like I've done other years.   I was gonna let it play out.

But while reading through old posts I can see I was shifting my thinking and gearing up for change.   Early in the year, I wrote a bit about reevaluationg my role in certain social relationships.  I also wrote about how I was anticipating change.  I started doing yoga every day, I started attending a new church group.   Looking back now, I can see that I was finally stepping out of my box and being open to something new.
Deuteronomy 2:3 is written on a sticky note in my kitchen window.  It says, "You have circled this mountain long enough.  Now turn north!"

2016 was my year to 'turn north' and I am thrilled with how God laid the road.

The biggest blessings this year:
-I lost the weight!
- I have daily exercise habits that I LOVE.  
-Physically, I feel better than I have since before kids.
-I'm dating the most amazing man.
-I am so in love and I have high hopes of a future with that man.  (no pressure, Greg)  ;)    
-My boys are healthy and happy.  (well... as happy as teenagers can be, I suppose).  
-Emotionally, my love tank is overflowing.
-God has been good to our little family this year.

A list of phrases that I thought I would NEVER say.... and I DID in 2016:
-I'd like to go to the game on saturday.
-I need more UVA shirts.
-All of my clothes are too big.
-Boys, I'm going for a jog.
-I think I've become a morning person.
-On my run this morning...
-Awww.  Puppies!
-I need more dresses.
-If we get a dog...

No telling what 2017 will be like!!
Bring it!

If I had spoken

Our church has a Thanksgiving service each year when they allow the folks in the audience to stand up and speak briefly about things they are thankful for.   Every year I have a million things I could share... if I wasn't terrified about speaking in front of people.

The obvious blessing this year has been getting to know Greg.  

If I had stood up and mentioned that I was in love with a good man.... it would have sounded as though my life were finally 'fixed' because I met a guy.  

But it is SO much more than that.

Last spring I was compelled to sit down with Greg and share my 'story' with him.  

The theme of my story is that God has been my Provider.   

As a young wife and mother, as a widow, as a single mom.... God has continually provided.   I can look back at months and years,and even specific days and circumstances, in which God's provision materialized perfectly.      This happened most often through the people that God placed in our lives. People either stayed, or came and went... but I could see how God used them in my life at just the right time.

So this thanksgiving when I want to shout about how happy I am ...  (because yes, I am SO in love).... I pause.... and remember that my happiness is not rooted in man.  

It is God's provision and perfect timing that I am most thankful for.     

God's timing is always right, every time.    

My story is still being written.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

in time

Everything happens in time.      I looked back at an old blog post this morning.    I wrote a bit about where the boys and I were at that time, in 2013.   I finished the post by writing,

"It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out.  
In time."

I've written so much about timing over the past eight years.   Lots about God's timing, hope, and waiting.  

I've also written a lot about my weightloss journey.   And I just recently realized that is also so much about timing and waiting.    I hit my heaviest weight in october of 2014.     And it's taken me TWO years to finally figure this thing out.   There has been so much tweaking- and growth- with my exercise, so much fussiness over food, so much discussion with friends and family.    And then I realized that I had to be accountable to myself, and myself alone.    So, after two years of trial and error I feel that I've finally got a grip on this weight thing.    I have found the right exercise routine that works for me.  It's a routine that I have grown to look forward to every day.  (and that's something I never thought I would say!)    I want to shout it from the rooftops that this weightloss thing IS possible.  If I can do it... anyone can.    It is 100% mind over matter.     And it takes time.  

In the realm of family, I have noticed that time is of the essence with teenagers.   It has taken time...years...to build a rapport with these boys.   And honestly I still don't have a clue what goes on in their brains.   Every day is a guessing game as to if I'm doing this mom gig correctly.   But over time, I have watched my boys grow and I'm fairly hopeful that they won't need excessive counseling as adults.   Time will tell.

And the "Mr. Right thing" has always been part of the waiting.   I was hopeful that, in time, God would provide a man for our family.    In 2009 I wasn't ready... in 2013 I wrote that I wasn't ready.     

It's been years of waiting for the right time.  The time as a single mom and woman has challenged me....but I think I needed those years to learn about myself, my kids, and to work on healing.
I'm hopeful that this is my time.   My Mr. Right has appeared... I just pray he'll stick around.  Time will tell.

It's been several years of family growth, personal growth, waiting.  

It's nice to kick back and see some things come to fruition.

God will make things work out in time.

8 years

interesting fact:  Elvis Presley died on August 16,1977

Tomorrow marks eight years since Thayer left this earth.    I can't really comprehend how long ago that was, or how quickly time passes.
It's forever.  It's yesterday.  
So much has happened in the last eight years.   My boys have grown up before my eyes and we have established a nice little life for ourselves.     The really bad years are a faint memory.    I still recall the crying, the screaming, the barely keeping afloat on some nights.   But I also recall the wonderful family and friends, and my gracious God, that have kept me sane for the past 8 years.   It's been quite the ride filled with loss, sadness, hope, contentment, and so much growth.

I read a post today titled "My World Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive".
Sure, lots of things would probably be the same.  I'd probably be living in the same house, have the same job, attend the same church.    But obviously many things would be different if Thayer was still here.   If Thayer was still alive, my boys would know what it's like to grow up with a Dad.  (that's, by far, the most disappointing part about his death.)
 If Thayer was still alive, I feel like our original plan would have continued on it's path.   I sometimes wonder....what would our family,our relationships, our communication, our habits, our parenting look like?
As I have learned, life rarely goes as planned... so I never dwell on what 'could have been'.
I think I've done well with moving forward through it all.   I'll never 'get over' losing Thayer and I have a deep appreciation for the time and life we had together.

But if you were still alive, I might not have realized that the whole "live each day like it's your last" mindset is legit.  That I need to treasure every moment while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, I'm thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what you're continuing to teach me now that you're gone.

-Holly Riordan

I can look back now and see that I've grown over the past eight years.  I have a unique relationship with God that I never would have established had I not spent nights and nights in conversation and tears with Him.   My perspective on life has changed.   Losing my husband has been the worst event of my life thus far.   The experience has also been a defining time of finding a deep faith and watching God bring beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

So... tomorrow.... 8 years out.     I still love him.  I miss him.    But instead of mourning his death tomorrow... I'm skipping town for a trip to the beach.  
"Live each day like it's your last!"
Our extended family will gather on Friday to memorialize (what would have been) Thayer's 46th birthday.  
I've always liked birthday celebrations better.

our current state

Today marks the day that I am officially 50.5 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight.  It's been about a 20 month journey overall, with some ups and downs in between.  (and still en route!)    
The trick is certainly mind over matter with every detail.    I have finally found the routine that works best for me and I am feeling better than I have in years.    My habits have gradually changed and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin again.    Such a blessing.

Some folks connect my thinner self to the fact that I'm in love.   Yes... I'm in love with a good man...and very happy.... but my journey to get healthy started long before the man entered the picture. I wanted this for myself.   I think he just came along at the opportune time.

This summer has been an excellent time for me to date and get to know my new guy.   He gets along well with the boys and I'm certain he is an excellent fit for our family.    I'm excited to see how this current chapter is written.     (I hope it doesn't end with a burning house) ;)

The boys have had bursts of busyness this summer.   Each have attended camps, and Daniel is currently serving in Mexico with the church youth group.    We've done some day activities as a family and they've also had days of doing nothing.  (which apparently teen boys like to do...nothing.)

I have enjoyed great times with my friends this summer.
Laughter, lots of laughter.  (and a few tears in there as well)
I'm seriously surrounded by the best people.   They are a special blessing that I never want to take for granted.

So, our current state is pretty chill.   Family, friends, love, happiness, all the mushy stuff.    As of today I'd call this summer a success.

life

I was road tripping home after a day at the amusement park.    A quiet car and a straight road ahead.
It was almost twilight and the road was lined with dark green trees.   There was a gray cloud cover overhead.    The clouds were unusually intricate with deep swirls and a distinct 3D effect.   They were dark and gloomy.... yet filled with so much beauty and exquisite detail.   I marveled at how God had placed the clouds and brush stroked them across the sky exactly in that fashion, at that time, for me to witness.
In the horizon at the end of the road was a bright sun and a glowing yellow sky.   I kept anticipating that the sunlight would break through the clouds as I made my way down the highway.     Mile after mile, the clouds were above and the yellow glow was just out of reach.   Until, all of a sudden I realized that I had driven out from under the cloud cover.   The sky had opened up wide with beautiful shades of sleepy blue.   The bright yellow sun that I had expected for miles was gone.   But in it's place was something beautiful...perhaps more beautiful... and entirely different than what I had anticipated.  The driving was easy that day and I thanked God for the opportunity to travel.

I glanced at the sleeping kids in the backseat and looked over to the man sitting next to me and thought, "that's life."

39

My 39th birthday just occurred.    It was a lovely day at the lake that was prefaced with a night of camping and a close call with a raccoon.  (or perhaps a Sasquatch.  We'll never know for sure).
My boyfriend (that sounds so weird to say or write) treated me to gifts and an ice cream cake.   My family joined us for the cake at our traditional "cake and card" party.  
Prior to my actual birthday I have shared several "birthday dinners" with friends.... and the celebration will continue with a joint birthday pool party, a lunch with friends, and a trip to visit more friends!
I'd already call this week a success.
By far, the best part of birthday celebrations are the time that I get to spend with family and friends. Thanks to everyone for making me feel special.

The boyfriend gave me a devotional book that I started reading today.   Interestingly the first day is titled "Hope Does Not Disappoint".  
Indeed.  
Hope has been my theme for years.
When hope is anchored in circumstances we will be disappointed.   But when hope is based in the reality of God's love, we will not be disappointed.
I feel like I have clung to God's promises and hung tight to the hope He gives.  
Through my times in the pit and even currently... while I'm sailing high.... I still want to ground myself in God's love and continue to hope for the future.  

It's been fun thinking about the future these days.  I'm slowing starting to see a new chapter being written in my book.  
Still anxious to see what God has in store.

Here's hoping for a great year ahead!

17 years

Tomorrow, April 10th, could have been my 17th wedding anniversary.
Over the years the birthdays and anniversaries that could have been- but aren't celebrated- have been shadows on my calendar.     I make note each year of the numbers that could be.... so I won't forget.   There is a large part of me that needs to remember.    
I could still be married.   Thayer could grow older each year.
But neither are reality.

At times I wonder if he and I would have made it 17 years.    Of course I hope we would have.... but marriage is hard.   I've witnessed many of friends go through divorce.    Would he and I have defied the odds?

17 years.
 
I've written before about how I've lost the knowledge of what Thayer would do in certain situations.   I have no idea what 17 years would have looked like with him.  I have no idea of how our family would have developed if he were here.   I have no idea how he would raise these teenagers.
I guess the kid thing is the hardest.    My sons and I have been a family of three longer than we were a family of four.  

It all boils down to the fact that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.    Life is precious.. blah, blah, blah.
Enjoy today.  

good gifts

I've been hesitant to write lately.

Things have been going swimmingly well.

 I don't want to jinx things.  
 

For over seven years I have typed about God's plan, my strong hope for a future,  and contentment.    I am secure in my knowledge that God has things planned out.   That life is good... and I can be happy in my circumstances.   And I am.
But I am always wondering, "what's next? What really IS God's plan for me?"

And now... when it looks like some of my prayers are being answered and perhaps there may be a chance of a fresh 'beginning'...... I freak out a little.

Things start going really well and I almost wait for the other shoe to drop.

I know... (and most days I remember)... that I need to accept every blessing as it comes.   I shouldn't question or doubt the blessing.    I just need to soak it up.  
God gives good gifts.    Why is it so hard for us to accept them sometimes?

The past few months have been really happy.   Heart swelling happy at times.   And honestly it's hard to believe that I deserve it.    Things were already going so well.  I was content.   Do I really deserve more?

Maybe.  Maybe not.    I guess time will tell.  
In the meantime, I need to keep reminding myself that God's plan is perfect.... and his timing is perfect.... and this day has happened for a reason.
Embrace it, Jill.

cards

The Redbud tree that we planted in memory of Thayer is blooming this week.   It seems a bit early.   Spring is upon us and I had the notion that we'd tackle some cleaning while on break from school.     Today's job..... bedrooms.      I had the privilege of starting my chores early, since the cat woke me 30 minutes after her designated breakfast time.    (have I mentioned how much I love this cat?)

I was feeling super productive and very "minimalist" as I purged junk from my drawers and closet.  I was even gloating to myself about how unattached I am to material things.  

And then... there in the back top corner of my closet... was the box full of Sympathy cards that we received after Thayer's death.
I reached for it, completely ready to empty the box into the recycling bin.  My minimalist thought was obvious, "I have no need for these.   They've been untouched in this closet for years.  Toss 'em."

But I heard that inner voice, who I should probably credit as the Spirit say,  "Just read a few."



There I sat in my bedroom floor.
I read every single personal message in every single one of those cards.   And I cried, and cried.

This, of course, took me by surprise.    It took me right back to the time following Thayer's death.   The amount of support was overwhelming.  So many people from different times of our lives...   No one certain of what to say or do... but they decided to do what most people do.... send a card.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't absorb the messages written in these cards when I received them over seven years ago.   I probably just opened a dozen a day and stuffed them in the box.
I should also clarify that I don't generally save cards.    I usually open them, read them, and then recycle them.
The fact that I kept this box for over seven years is quite amazing.  Nothing short of an act of God.  :)

My weep-fest this morning was truly a gift.  
 I read the same phrases over and over how people were praying that God would sustain us, that God would give peace, that God would comfort, that God would provide us with support and help, that God would strengthen us, and that God would give us healing.
One friend wrote a reminder that "God is almighty and faithful".

While crying over those cards, I was simultaneously  praising God for answering EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prayers lifted up on our behalf.   God fulfilled ALL of those requests in extraordinary ways.  And he continues.

My friend Elaine wrote in her card, "I pray that you will be able to look back and see God's hand on so many things."
Today I had the opportunity to look back... and I am so thankful for the resounding reminder that God IS almighty and faithful.

hope refreshed

The air outside of my box has been refreshing.
Yoga daily, walking daily, meeting new people.

The church group that I started attending has been 'interesting'.   I've only gone a couple of weeks and I realize that it's odd getting used to the Baptist lingo again.   It's especially hard on me when I don't know the tune of the praise songs.   I dig the fact that our group has a band.... and I'm assuming I'll catch on soon.
A couple of weeks ago, the leader wasn't there and he had asked a university student to fill in.  My first thought was, "wow.  some young kid is going to try to give us -old timers- some insight.   What kind of experience does he have?!"
Oh me of little faith.
God used that kid to speak volumes, directly to me, that evening.  
Remember that time God used an ass to speak to Balaam?!   That kid certainly wasn't a donkey... but God gave me a sharp reminder of His ability to communicate with us.     It was an encouraging evening.   The kid spoke on 1 Corinthians 13..... and I came away reminded that God's love for me trumps my circumstances, my insecurities, and my relationships- where people may fail.
I am valued and loved by God, and that's where I need to base my worth.

Lately my mind has gravitated back to my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."
This verse kept me grounded after Thayer died.   I counted on God to give me the hope that I needed as I looked toward the future. Part of that hope, if I'm honest, was that I would remarry and live happily ever after.
As time has passed... I have started to accept the fact that marriage might not be in the cards.  I am super content in knowing that whatever God has planned will be great.
The past few years I've been planning for a future on my own.  Thinking about the years until I kick the kids out, thinking about future jobs, preparing the house for myself to live out my lonely old years.  (yet still thinking about traveling, chilling with my friends, and all that good stuff)  :)

Interestingly enough.... when I recently stepped outta my box.... I met a man.  (squeal!)
Now, I'm not suggesting that this is THE man.   But he's a good one!
Getting to know him is new and exciting.   I'm really appreciating the attention and I love the feeling of being pursued.    This is stuff I haven't thought about- or felt -for years.     It's like being a teenager again.   (because I clearly don't have any idea about dating.  This is seriously like starting from scratch for me.)
Whether or not things continue with this guy, I realize that I am SO thankful for this time.   It has rekindled my hope that perhaps I do have a future that could include a spouse.   If not him... then someone.
I'm hopeful.  
And that's refreshing.