in time

Everything happens in time.      I looked back at an old blog post this morning.    I wrote a bit about where the boys and I were at that time, in 2013.   I finished the post by writing,

"It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out.  
In time."

I've written so much about timing over the past eight years.   Lots about God's timing, hope, and waiting.  

I've also written a lot about my weightloss journey.   And I just recently realized that is also so much about timing and waiting.    I hit my heaviest weight in october of 2014.     And it's taken me TWO years to finally figure this thing out.   There has been so much tweaking- and growth- with my exercise, so much fussiness over food, so much discussion with friends and family.    And then I realized that I had to be accountable to myself, and myself alone.    So, after two years of trial and error I feel that I've finally got a grip on this weight thing.    I have found the right exercise routine that works for me.  It's a routine that I have grown to look forward to every day.  (and that's something I never thought I would say!)    I want to shout it from the rooftops that this weightloss thing IS possible.  If I can do it... anyone can.    It is 100% mind over matter.     And it takes time.  

In the realm of family, I have noticed that time is of the essence with teenagers.   It has taken time...years...to build a rapport with these boys.   And honestly I still don't have a clue what goes on in their brains.   Every day is a guessing game as to if I'm doing this mom gig correctly.   But over time, I have watched my boys grow and I'm fairly hopeful that they won't need excessive counseling as adults.   Time will tell.

And the "Mr. Right thing" has always been part of the waiting.   I was hopeful that, in time, God would provide a man for our family.    In 2009 I wasn't ready... in 2013 I wrote that I wasn't ready.     

It's been years of waiting for the right time.  The time as a single mom and woman has challenged me....but I think I needed those years to learn about myself, my kids, and to work on healing.
I'm hopeful that this is my time.   My Mr. Right has appeared... I just pray he'll stick around.  Time will tell.

It's been several years of family growth, personal growth, waiting.  

It's nice to kick back and see some things come to fruition.

God will make things work out in time.

8 years

interesting fact:  Elvis Presley died on August 16,1977

Tomorrow marks eight years since Thayer left this earth.    I can't really comprehend how long ago that was, or how quickly time passes.
It's forever.  It's yesterday.  
So much has happened in the last eight years.   My boys have grown up before my eyes and we have established a nice little life for ourselves.     The really bad years are a faint memory.    I still recall the crying, the screaming, the barely keeping afloat on some nights.   But I also recall the wonderful family and friends, and my gracious God, that have kept me sane for the past 8 years.   It's been quite the ride filled with loss, sadness, hope, contentment, and so much growth.

I read a post today titled "My World Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive".
Sure, lots of things would probably be the same.  I'd probably be living in the same house, have the same job, attend the same church.    But obviously many things would be different if Thayer was still here.   If Thayer was still alive, my boys would know what it's like to grow up with a Dad.  (that's, by far, the most disappointing part about his death.)
 If Thayer was still alive, I feel like our original plan would have continued on it's path.   I sometimes wonder....what would our family,our relationships, our communication, our habits, our parenting look like?
As I have learned, life rarely goes as planned... so I never dwell on what 'could have been'.
I think I've done well with moving forward through it all.   I'll never 'get over' losing Thayer and I have a deep appreciation for the time and life we had together.

But if you were still alive, I might not have realized that the whole "live each day like it's your last" mindset is legit.  That I need to treasure every moment while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, I'm thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what you're continuing to teach me now that you're gone.

-Holly Riordan

I can look back now and see that I've grown over the past eight years.  I have a unique relationship with God that I never would have established had I not spent nights and nights in conversation and tears with Him.   My perspective on life has changed.   Losing my husband has been the worst event of my life thus far.   The experience has also been a defining time of finding a deep faith and watching God bring beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

So... tomorrow.... 8 years out.     I still love him.  I miss him.    But instead of mourning his death tomorrow... I'm skipping town for a trip to the beach.  
"Live each day like it's your last!"
Our extended family will gather on Friday to memorialize (what would have been) Thayer's 46th birthday.  
I've always liked birthday celebrations better.

our current state

Today marks the day that I am officially 50.5 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight.  It's been about a 20 month journey overall, with some ups and downs in between.  (and still en route!)    
The trick is certainly mind over matter with every detail.    I have finally found the routine that works best for me and I am feeling better than I have in years.    My habits have gradually changed and I'm starting to feel comfortable in my skin again.    Such a blessing.

Some folks connect my thinner self to the fact that I'm in love.   Yes... I'm in love with a good man...and very happy.... but my journey to get healthy started long before the man entered the picture. I wanted this for myself.   I think he just came along at the opportune time.

This summer has been an excellent time for me to date and get to know my new guy.   He gets along well with the boys and I'm certain he is an excellent fit for our family.    I'm excited to see how this current chapter is written.     (I hope it doesn't end with a burning house) ;)

The boys have had bursts of busyness this summer.   Each have attended camps, and Daniel is currently serving in Mexico with the church youth group.    We've done some day activities as a family and they've also had days of doing nothing.  (which apparently teen boys like to do...nothing.)

I have enjoyed great times with my friends this summer.
Laughter, lots of laughter.  (and a few tears in there as well)
I'm seriously surrounded by the best people.   They are a special blessing that I never want to take for granted.

So, our current state is pretty chill.   Family, friends, love, happiness, all the mushy stuff.    As of today I'd call this summer a success.

life

I was road tripping home after a day at the amusement park.    A quiet car and a straight road ahead.
It was almost twilight and the road was lined with dark green trees.   There was a gray cloud cover overhead.    The clouds were unusually intricate with deep swirls and a distinct 3D effect.   They were dark and gloomy.... yet filled with so much beauty and exquisite detail.   I marveled at how God had placed the clouds and brush stroked them across the sky exactly in that fashion, at that time, for me to witness.
In the horizon at the end of the road was a bright sun and a glowing yellow sky.   I kept anticipating that the sunlight would break through the clouds as I made my way down the highway.     Mile after mile, the clouds were above and the yellow glow was just out of reach.   Until, all of a sudden I realized that I had driven out from under the cloud cover.   The sky had opened up wide with beautiful shades of sleepy blue.   The bright yellow sun that I had expected for miles was gone.   But in it's place was something beautiful...perhaps more beautiful... and entirely different than what I had anticipated.  The driving was easy that day and I thanked God for the opportunity to travel.

I glanced at the sleeping kids in the backseat and looked over to the man sitting next to me and thought, "that's life."

39

My 39th birthday just occurred.    It was a lovely day at the lake that was prefaced with a night of camping and a close call with a raccoon.  (or perhaps a Sasquatch.  We'll never know for sure).
My boyfriend (that sounds so weird to say or write) treated me to gifts and an ice cream cake.   My family joined us for the cake at our traditional "cake and card" party.  
Prior to my actual birthday I have shared several "birthday dinners" with friends.... and the celebration will continue with a joint birthday pool party, a lunch with friends, and a trip to visit more friends!
I'd already call this week a success.
By far, the best part of birthday celebrations are the time that I get to spend with family and friends. Thanks to everyone for making me feel special.

The boyfriend gave me a devotional book that I started reading today.   Interestingly the first day is titled "Hope Does Not Disappoint".  
Indeed.  
Hope has been my theme for years.
When hope is anchored in circumstances we will be disappointed.   But when hope is based in the reality of God's love, we will not be disappointed.
I feel like I have clung to God's promises and hung tight to the hope He gives.  
Through my times in the pit and even currently... while I'm sailing high.... I still want to ground myself in God's love and continue to hope for the future.  

It's been fun thinking about the future these days.  I'm slowing starting to see a new chapter being written in my book.  
Still anxious to see what God has in store.

Here's hoping for a great year ahead!

17 years

Tomorrow, April 10th, could have been my 17th wedding anniversary.
Over the years the birthdays and anniversaries that could have been- but aren't celebrated- have been shadows on my calendar.     I make note each year of the numbers that could be.... so I won't forget.   There is a large part of me that needs to remember.    
I could still be married.   Thayer could grow older each year.
But neither are reality.

At times I wonder if he and I would have made it 17 years.    Of course I hope we would have.... but marriage is hard.   I've witnessed many of friends go through divorce.    Would he and I have defied the odds?

17 years.
 
I've written before about how I've lost the knowledge of what Thayer would do in certain situations.   I have no idea what 17 years would have looked like with him.  I have no idea of how our family would have developed if he were here.   I have no idea how he would raise these teenagers.
I guess the kid thing is the hardest.    My sons and I have been a family of three longer than we were a family of four.  

It all boils down to the fact that we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.    Life is precious.. blah, blah, blah.
Enjoy today.  

good gifts

I've been hesitant to write lately.

Things have been going swimmingly well.

 I don't want to jinx things.  
 

For over seven years I have typed about God's plan, my strong hope for a future,  and contentment.    I am secure in my knowledge that God has things planned out.   That life is good... and I can be happy in my circumstances.   And I am.
But I am always wondering, "what's next? What really IS God's plan for me?"

And now... when it looks like some of my prayers are being answered and perhaps there may be a chance of a fresh 'beginning'...... I freak out a little.

Things start going really well and I almost wait for the other shoe to drop.

I know... (and most days I remember)... that I need to accept every blessing as it comes.   I shouldn't question or doubt the blessing.    I just need to soak it up.  
God gives good gifts.    Why is it so hard for us to accept them sometimes?

The past few months have been really happy.   Heart swelling happy at times.   And honestly it's hard to believe that I deserve it.    Things were already going so well.  I was content.   Do I really deserve more?

Maybe.  Maybe not.    I guess time will tell.  
In the meantime, I need to keep reminding myself that God's plan is perfect.... and his timing is perfect.... and this day has happened for a reason.
Embrace it, Jill.

cards

The Redbud tree that we planted in memory of Thayer is blooming this week.   It seems a bit early.   Spring is upon us and I had the notion that we'd tackle some cleaning while on break from school.     Today's job..... bedrooms.      I had the privilege of starting my chores early, since the cat woke me 30 minutes after her designated breakfast time.    (have I mentioned how much I love this cat?)

I was feeling super productive and very "minimalist" as I purged junk from my drawers and closet.  I was even gloating to myself about how unattached I am to material things.  

And then... there in the back top corner of my closet... was the box full of Sympathy cards that we received after Thayer's death.
I reached for it, completely ready to empty the box into the recycling bin.  My minimalist thought was obvious, "I have no need for these.   They've been untouched in this closet for years.  Toss 'em."

But I heard that inner voice, who I should probably credit as the Spirit say,  "Just read a few."



There I sat in my bedroom floor.
I read every single personal message in every single one of those cards.   And I cried, and cried.

This, of course, took me by surprise.    It took me right back to the time following Thayer's death.   The amount of support was overwhelming.  So many people from different times of our lives...   No one certain of what to say or do... but they decided to do what most people do.... send a card.

I'm pretty sure that I didn't absorb the messages written in these cards when I received them over seven years ago.   I probably just opened a dozen a day and stuffed them in the box.
I should also clarify that I don't generally save cards.    I usually open them, read them, and then recycle them.
The fact that I kept this box for over seven years is quite amazing.  Nothing short of an act of God.  :)

My weep-fest this morning was truly a gift.  
 I read the same phrases over and over how people were praying that God would sustain us, that God would give peace, that God would comfort, that God would provide us with support and help, that God would strengthen us, and that God would give us healing.
One friend wrote a reminder that "God is almighty and faithful".

While crying over those cards, I was simultaneously  praising God for answering EVERY SINGLE ONE of the prayers lifted up on our behalf.   God fulfilled ALL of those requests in extraordinary ways.  And he continues.

My friend Elaine wrote in her card, "I pray that you will be able to look back and see God's hand on so many things."
Today I had the opportunity to look back... and I am so thankful for the resounding reminder that God IS almighty and faithful.

hope refreshed

The air outside of my box has been refreshing.
Yoga daily, walking daily, meeting new people.

The church group that I started attending has been 'interesting'.   I've only gone a couple of weeks and I realize that it's odd getting used to the Baptist lingo again.   It's especially hard on me when I don't know the tune of the praise songs.   I dig the fact that our group has a band.... and I'm assuming I'll catch on soon.
A couple of weeks ago, the leader wasn't there and he had asked a university student to fill in.  My first thought was, "wow.  some young kid is going to try to give us -old timers- some insight.   What kind of experience does he have?!"
Oh me of little faith.
God used that kid to speak volumes, directly to me, that evening.  
Remember that time God used an ass to speak to Balaam?!   That kid certainly wasn't a donkey... but God gave me a sharp reminder of His ability to communicate with us.     It was an encouraging evening.   The kid spoke on 1 Corinthians 13..... and I came away reminded that God's love for me trumps my circumstances, my insecurities, and my relationships- where people may fail.
I am valued and loved by God, and that's where I need to base my worth.

Lately my mind has gravitated back to my favorite verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future."
This verse kept me grounded after Thayer died.   I counted on God to give me the hope that I needed as I looked toward the future. Part of that hope, if I'm honest, was that I would remarry and live happily ever after.
As time has passed... I have started to accept the fact that marriage might not be in the cards.  I am super content in knowing that whatever God has planned will be great.
The past few years I've been planning for a future on my own.  Thinking about the years until I kick the kids out, thinking about future jobs, preparing the house for myself to live out my lonely old years.  (yet still thinking about traveling, chilling with my friends, and all that good stuff)  :)

Interestingly enough.... when I recently stepped outta my box.... I met a man.  (squeal!)
Now, I'm not suggesting that this is THE man.   But he's a good one!
Getting to know him is new and exciting.   I'm really appreciating the attention and I love the feeling of being pursued.    This is stuff I haven't thought about- or felt -for years.     It's like being a teenager again.   (because I clearly don't have any idea about dating.  This is seriously like starting from scratch for me.)
Whether or not things continue with this guy, I realize that I am SO thankful for this time.   It has rekindled my hope that perhaps I do have a future that could include a spouse.   If not him... then someone.
I'm hopeful.  
And that's refreshing.

unintentional fast

Earlier this week I finished up a series on Netflix.     And I haven't picked up anything new.     Lucas had been grounded from screens this week,  which in turn kinda grounded me from screens too.   I had to be more intentional with what was filling his time and I couldn't sit down and ignore things around me.
So here I am, a week later,  and nothing is calling me from Netflix.

I realize that some people are giving up certain habits or vices for the season of Lent.   And although I've always scoffed  at such an idea, I think I'd like to challenge myself on the area of Netflix.   Not necessarily for Lent... but just to see if I can reclaim a portion of my life that has been consumed with binge watching TV this winter.    

The weather is bitterly cold this week so I have found myself piddling around the house.  Or just standing in various rooms.  It's been odd.
Today we did our normal cleaning, laundry, and some baking--- and once that was done..... I stood in the kitchen..... and then decided I actually had time to mop.  Not only the kitchen... but the bathrooms and hardwood as well. (gasp!)  
And after that  I had no other choice than to sit here and type.  
I really need a hobby, or a date.   (and NO... I don't need another pet, or to learn how to knit).

One downside to this free time.... I'm checking my FB notifications way too often.
Upside... I'm reading my Bible more.
Oh!!   And would you believe that the boys and I played a board game the other night?!

I hope this is just the beginning.  We'll see how it goes.

now turn north

The boys are home early from school today.  Lucas is grounded from TV this week... and he has rediscovered the outdoors.   Both boys are in the woods this afternoon,building some kind of fort.
31 degrees outside and I just sat for my first cup of hot chocolate of the year.
I'm all caught up on Netflix and I'm reluctant to start something else that will consume my time and motivation.

I've had the desire for 'new' lately.   Somehow I want to be more intentional with how I spend my time.
Interesting how a month of being a hermit, followed by a month of slow transition to liking people again, has catapulted me into stepping out of my box.

This verse has been encouraging to me this month... reminding me that it's probably time to make some changes.... spiritually, physically, emotionally.

First of all.... I have committed to doing yoga every day.   This has been a game changer in how I sleep and how I feel each day.    I've raved about yoga in the past... but haven't been consistent in my daily practice.      (If only could motivate myself to start walking again.  That would be rich.)

Secondly... I'm jumping on board a 'singles' group at a local church.   My cousin turned me on to the idea,and I decided to run with it.   This is huge for me.... because I'm actually having to talk to new people.  If you know me, you know I typically don't want to meet new people.  Remember?  I have too many friends already. haha.    
It should be interesting to actually meet single people my age.   Though I get a strong sense that the stereotypes about middle aged single people are true.   (yikes.  where do I fit in?!)

On the home front I'm trying to be more intentional with my boys as well.    We have now started cooking dinner together each night.  (well.... when we eat at home)
 We also have a weekly cleaning schedule that's pretty habitual now.  
There is so much that I want the boys to perfect before they live on their own.    I'm in full training mode these days.
Next on my "training" list will be taking Daniel out to drive.    Unbelievable.

I feel a big transition for our family over the next few years.   Time really does fly.   I'm waiting anxiously in the wings hoping that God will illuminate our paths.

social

The boys and I just finished watching Goosebumps .     Which is a movie based on R.L. Stine and his frightful characters that inhabit his kid friendly,  yet scary, books.
The movie was much more suspenseful than I had imagined to accompany a PG rating.   Overall I thought it was a fun film that probably should have gotten more publicity.
Anywho.  
Watching a story about a writer reminded me that I haven't written anything in quite a while.

The month of December I wallowed in introspection about my social life and grumbled to observe that I am the social director of my circle of friends.   If I don't plan it... it doesn't happen.    I teetered back and forth with agitation and loneliness and then gave in to the fact that..... as my friends later put it... I am the "sun".    Apparently everyone orbits around me.    Ha.
I can either fall apart under the weight of that responsibility, or I can become vain enough to realize that I am the center.
I laugh.

Through it all I've reevaluated some relationships and it's been a good process.

After an entire month of non-hosting and non-planning, and non-socializing, I jumped back in a few weeks ago.   It was a slow sunrise.  (hehehe)..... but I've decided that being a hermit doesn't suit me.

This week, we've been reveling in snow days, home from work and school.     I had two friends and their boys spend two nights at our house.    A snowed-in sleepover has kinda become our yearly tradition.    We have a blast, until we don't, and everyone goes home.     I really do love having company.
Today, when everyone left, my boys and I resumed our quiet routine of video gaming and Netflixing. It was a nice transition as we anticipate going back to reality later this week.

another year in the books

It's 10:55am on the first day of 2016 and I'm just rolling out of bed.   Not that I attended a rad party last night.   I stayed up late reading old blog posts and being irritated at my kids.   Those things are apparently exhausting.

At 11:40pm last night I decided to read through my blog posts from 2015.   There weren't very many posts and I was finishing up as I rang in the new year, alone in my kitchen.  
I had waited all day for the boys and I to go through our "memory jar" that I had been working on all year.   I had been recording events all year in hopes to read through them on New Year's Eve with my boys.    Little did I realize that this was not a priority for them. At. all.

What I realized by reading through my blog is that 2015 was, thankfully, uneventful... in a good way.
It was going to be my year to dive into minimalism and to shed my extra weight.
I only partially accomplished those things.    But I guess some progress is better than none.  
As the year officially closed, I had rid my house of at least 775 things and I had dropped 20 pounds.
The final weight loss was disappointing overall because of ups and downs in weight and motivation.

Also, looking back, I realized that a recurring topic was the illness of Mr. Q.   I had no idea that his illness consumed much of my time and thoughts during 2015.   It was just life at the time.
We said goodbye to Mr. Q, and Granny, this past fall.
It was their time. There were many tears shed, but also a relief on some levels.

Last year at this time, I was waiting for my kitchen to be completed.... and as of today, my bathrooms are also new!   That's a pretty productive year on the house front.   I think I'm able to say that I'm "done" with fixing-up at this point.   And that is a relief as well.

I had claimed 2014 as my year.   And I had claimed 2015 my year too.     And honestly.... they were okay.   They were filled with all the good stuff:  health, family, friends.
But being realistic... I'm not gonna claim 2016.   We'll just see what plays out.
I hope it's a good one.

back in the game

It's been a crazy month.   This is the second night at home after spending 20 days at my parent's house.   (That's no typo.... 20 days).

I've been 'off of my game' since the weekend of Thanksgiving.  

Rewind to the Granny's memorial service which was held the Saturday after Thanksgiving.   We welcomed family to town, and enjoyed meeting a few new faces.
I was asked to read part of my previous blog post at the service.   (and since I'm terrified of public speaking... it went as expected.... shaky voice and all... )   I was honored to share my memories of Granny.   And the memorial was very nice.   I think Granny would have been pleased.

The boys and I were thrilled to spend some time with Thad that Sunday.   We finally hiked Devil's Marble yard.   Well.... technically.... I hiked to Devil's Marble yard and then the boys and Thad proceeded to climb all of those scary boulders.     I apparently have maintained my fear of climbing and my fear of falling.    I was content to sit on a boulder while the boys explored.      (I swear that I heard the cry of a Sasquatch while I was hanging out, but no one believed me).
Anywho.

Dark and early on Monday morning I took Thad to the airport and then proceeded to move out of the house.   

My contractor came to demo both of my bathrooms.      

I had been planning the bathroom renovation and was excited to get 'em done!
The "7-10" day project didn't go quite as planned.    I am beyond grateful to my parents who let us stay with them for the majority of a month!  That is a BIG deal!   Soooo thankful!!

During the extended stay, I realized that I was getting stressed out about things beyond my control.   The tiny details of the bathrooms started to grate at me.     I made realizations that I would do things diffferently if I had to do it again.      

And at the same time I would tell myself that this is SO much a "first world problem".    How dare I freak out about getting new bathrooms?!  How shallow and pathetic.     How many people have the luxury to get new bathrooms?     Reality check, Jill!
I was also freaking out about getting the bathrooms done in time to host two parties on December 20th.    I was freaking out about having to clean the construction dust, paint, clean, AND decorate for Christmas.   My whole month felt like it was spinning out of control.

Then.... my friend posted a very convincing facebook post that reminded me about Christmas.   The real reason.  Jesus.  
Slow down.   Stop freaking out.

In one of my moments of reflection I thought about how Mary, the mother of Jesus, was away from home when she had a baby!   Talk about confusion and stress.   I can imagine that poor girl was 'off her game' when Jesus was born.... being away from home and dealing with labor and a newborn.    whew!
(and then a part of me gets jealous that she had Joseph to help her.  lucky her.)
The thing is.... as soon as Jesus arrived the earth sighed and Mary's perspective shifted.   That baby, Jesus, became the main focus of her life and nothing else mattered.

That's what I tell myself.     "Jesus... top priority."

And yet, today, I found myself getting panicky about shower heads.  Seriously.    crazy.   get a grip.

Tomorrow is a new day.
I'm slowly getting back in my game.   It's been nice settling  in at home and I'm officially beginning my Christmas vacation from work.... so it's all good.

Merry Christmas!

Granny

I met her in November of 1997.    It just so happened that the guy I knew that I was going to marry lived with his grandparents, Elmer and Marie.     Marie was introduced to me as "Granny".

In April of 1999 "Granny" became my Grandmother-in-law.... but in reality, she was the only "mother- in-law" I would know.    She had raised Thayer from the age of 13.     The fact that she had taken in two boys, after raising her own kids, made her a saint in my eyes.   (not to omit the fact that Thayer's paternal grandparents also had an earlier role.)    
Thayer's Grandparents helped to build a solid foundation on which Thayer and his brother became the men that God intended them to be.   And I am thankful for their investment.

Granny embraced me as a granddaughter, and spoiled Thayer and I with frequent home cooked meals during our first year of marriage.    The weekly meals and fellowship continued when my babies were born.  
As great-grandparents the Jantzes became known "Papa and Granny Jantz".
Papa and Granny would frequent our family events.   I remember taking them to the park for a play date and picnic when my kids were young.

Granny spent a lot of time in the kitchen.  A lot.   She introduced me to swiss chard, rhubarb, her famous cranberry salad, her standard ham with pineapple, and a plethora of pies.   My favorite was her apple pie, yet interestingly... her favorite seemed to be Marie Callendar's Razzleberry pie.   :)

The Jantzes were gardening geniuses.   They had a prestinely landscaped yard.   They grew a ton of veggies and wasted not.   Granny canned and canned and canned.   Thayer and I never had a shortage of green beans or jelly.   Crab apple jelly was always on hand... and quite tasty.

As the Jantzes aged, the garden and yard became too much for them to handle on their own.   Thayer would take care of the yard work.    And it was a somber day when grass was planted over the garden.

Granny was the extreme example of someone with a servant's heart.   She would bend over backwards to serve, help, encourage and love on people.   It's been rumored that she never complained.   And I believe it.  I never witnessed her complain about anything.
She was a very loving and submissive wife.   I can still hear Elmer say, "Marie!" and she would run to his side.   She was patient and kind.

In 2004 Thayer's job took us to another city.   Thayer would return to help with the yard.
At some point, early 2006, our visits became very frequent because Papa Jantz was battling cancer and we knew his time was short.    Granny was running herself ragged taking care of him.   Best nurse ever.... though her own body was growing weak and the physical labor was taking a toll on her.
As hospice came in, she still cared for that man until his last breath.

One of the most precious memories I have is sitting with Granny all night, on Elmer's last night.   I had never been on death watch before and our conversation topics were very interesting, to say the least.    Being with Granny while Elmer passed is one of my most vivid memories.
She was darling.
(As age stole Granny's memories, she had no recollection that I was with her that night.  But it's a memory I hope to keep.)  

After Elmer's death, she moved out of state with her son and daughter-in-law.   Our visits were less frequent.   Maybe twice a year while Thayer was alive.   I kept that up for a few years and then our visits tapered off to once a year, these past few years.

Over the past several years age had stolen Granny's ability to cook and to remember certain things.
I recall one time when we were visiting and her prided pies didn't turn out "quite like they were supposed to".  It was obvious that she was loosing her "touch" and I could see the concern in her eyes.

A few years ago Granny came to stay with us for several days.    I remember how excited she would get as she watched her baseball.   She personally knew her Braves.  And come to think of it... the only time I ever saw her get a little cranky was when she realized that I didn't have ESPN.    
During that visit, the reality of her age, her physical, and her mental limitations hit me.     I started to understand the care and dedication that her son and daughter-in-law were exhibiting on a daily basis.

The last few times that I visited with Granny, her memory was hazy.... but she would talk at length about how she had met Elmer.   He had come to work on her family farm and had taken an interest in her.    I wish I had documented the details... because those things... she remembered vividly.
She had a "young" picture of him in her room and she would point out how good lookin' he was.  :)

Upon jogging her memory, she would tell me about being a seamstress and about how she would sew costumes for plays at the university.  
Her long term memory was very selective.    Other major events, she didn't recall, or didn't want to discuss.    For instance... I think I had heard that she once had brain surgery...??  But she didn't seem to remember that.
She lived a long, full, heartbreaking, joyful life.   From my perspective I see that she endured so much heartache over her 93 years....yet she was still joyful.     I know her faith in Jesus carried her through.

The last time we visited Granny, (last November).... I remember thinking that it might be the last time we see her.    It was.
Granny went to be with Jesus, and a slew of family members... and friends, on Monday.
I know she was ready.... but she will be missed.
I am thankful for her life and her impact on our family.

Photos from Granny's 90th birthday, 2012.

a short story about a cat

Once upon a time there was a young couple who were expecting a baby.   One night early in the pregnancy, the hormonal wife was in tears.  She was telling the husband that she didn’t have any friends.    The husband left that evening and came back with…. A cat. 
The wife cried again because she didn’t have a clue what they were supposed to do with a cat in a small rental house.  Where would they put the litter box? 
After some convincing from the husband the cat was allowed to stay.   And that night, Q-tip became part of the family.

January 2000

Q-tip had seen the husband before.    Months prior, the husband had visited a family friend who had new kittens.   Q-tip was fuzzy and cute, and had caught the attention of the man.     Thankfully when the husband went looking for a “friend”, Q-tip was still available for adoption.

Q-tip quickly adjusted to living in the small home with the couple.  
Almost right away the couple agreed that Q-tip was not a manly enough name for such a cool male cat.      The “tip” was dropped and he was known simply as “Q”.

Q was young and playful.   The husband taught him tricks and roughhoused with him.    The couple joked about how Q was very much like a dog.   He would play fetch with small toy mice.   He would retrieve the mice and bring them back…. Every time.     Q was top-dog of the house.   He would hang around inside and sit outside and soak up sun.

Several months passed and Q was packed up and taken to a new house, just a few miles away.   He adjusted quickly to the new house and was glad to spend time with the couple.  The house was older, larger, and had large windows that gave puddles of sunshine for him to bathe in.   

One day, out of the blue, the couple brought home a small baby.   Q was curious about the new addition to the family but he welcomed the little boy and they became instant buddies.      Q hung out with the baby and the wife during the day and welcomed the husband home in the evenings.   

The husband had a fish aquarium that was stocked with many fish to watch.   He would hang around the house and sit outside and soak up the sun.

Two years passed.   The baby had grown into an active toddler.   He and the boy were good friends.   Q was still like a dog.   He would play games and entertain the toddler.
And then, out of the blue, the couple brought home another small baby.   Q welcomed the new baby and they, too, were instant friends.   Q was great around the little boys.   He tolerated all of the love that they had to offer.    

His days were full of playing with the boys, hanging around the house and sitting outside in the sunshine.

It came time for the family to move to another city.    Q was packed up and driven over an hour from home.     He arrived in tiny rental house that was nice and tidy.      He adjusted quickly and enjoyed keeping the family company.

At some point in the first few years…. No one remembers the actual date…. The couple decided that Q had matured.    They decided that “Mr. Q” would be a more fitting name for such a cat.     He was quite a character.    Mr. Q never met a stranger and he always enjoyed welcoming family and friends to the house.

Just six short months later, Mr. Q was packed up…. Again… and taken to a new house about 20 minutes away.     He was not thrilled about the car ride and he urinated all over the husband and the truck while they were in route.  
Mr. Q took his first, and only, shower that night after arriving at the new house.     Needless to say… he was not too thrilled about getting sprayed with water!
Thankfully he the survived shock and awe of the move.
The family of four, and Mr. Q adjusted quickly to the new house and a new, big yard.     Mr. Q enjoyed playing with the boys, hanging around the house and sitting in the sunshine.

For three years, the family and Mr. Q lived in the house with the big yard.   They were happy and made several friends who spent a lot of time at the house.   Mr. Q made friends with an older couple who lived in the house next to his.    He was often found visiting with the neighbors and even enjoyed naps in their house!  

 

The time came for the family to move again, back to their home city.   Mr. Q was packed up and taken on another long ride.     He arrived at a small brick house, similar to the one he had just left.      Mr. Q adjusted quickly, because he knew that he was ‘home’ with the husband, wife and boys.    He kept the boys company, often sleeping curled up on their beds at night.    

One October night, just a few short months after moving to the new house, Mr. Q was outside minding his own business…when a neighbor’s dogs came charging over and chased him up a tree.    The event was obviously terrifying for Mr. Q.    The scare of the dogs kept him inside for almost three years!!    He was getting older and the couple assumed that he was simply becoming an indoor cat.

The following August, there was a night that the husband didn’t come home.    The house was instantly filled with friends that Mr. Q knew… and many other people he didn’t.    In the days to follow, Mr. Q was lost in the shuffle during the day but then was a constant companion at night, often sitting and listening as the wife and boys confided in him with their tears.      

The husband never returned.    The wife and boys remained, and their friends were always around.     Mr. Q became accustomed to having neighbor friends at the house as well as the wife’s friends, who would come and talk for hours and hours.

Mr. Q was always welcoming old and new friends to the house.    He had quite a knack of knowing who was allergic to cats.   The allergic guests were the ones he seemed to like the best. 

It appeared that Mr. Q was getting older and the wife assumed that he had become an indoor cat, after the dog incident.    But surprisingly, almost two years later…. Mr. Q ventured outside!    He would make his rounds outside and then sit and enjoy the sunshine.         The spring and summer months were his favorites.   Once the cold weather hit, he preferred staying inside where it was warm.    The wife assumed that his old bones were affected by the weather just like human bones so she made sure he was warm and cozy during the cold months.

2010

One warm summer day, the wife and boys brought home…. A cat!     It took months for Mr. Q to accept the new cat as a member of the family.   It was a girl cat, much younger than he.    

August 2011

After Mr. Q got used to the idea of her being around, he was very tolerant of her attention.     The girl cat was never as dog-like as Mr. Q, but he grew to enjoy her company.   Every so often the wife and boys would discover the two cats cuddled up napping next to each other.   Other times, Mr. Q would show his authority and have stare downs and swatting contests with the young cat.    He was always prepared to defend his rank in the home.

For almost four years the three people and two cats lived happily in the house together.   

The cats would eat meals together, make their rounds outside, and sit in the sunshine.     They even got in the habit of napping indoors while the people were away and then venturing outside until dark.

The two cats were often bribed to cross the street and visit with neighbours who enjoyed giving them treats and attention.   
When his family would go out of town, family and neighbor friends would care for the cats.
As far as cat lives go, they were loved and spoiled rotten.   

 

Somewhere along the line, Mr. Q was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid.   The wife and boys had to give him pills each day to keep things in check.    Mr. Q was super about taking the pills.   The people would smash a pill between two treats and Mr. Q was faithful about taking them.

One day, the wife packed up Mr. Q and took him for a short ride.   These short rides always resulted in a trip to the vet… which Mr. Q hated.     The loveable, friendly Mr. Q who knew no strangers quickly turned into a ‘cat from hell’ whenever he entered the veterinarian’s exam room.     The vet and her technicians didn’t know the cat that the wife and the boys knew.    They knew a cat who had special handling instructions in his file.   He was vicious and they took extra precautions with him during every visit.  
As suspected, during this visit the people confirmed that Mr. Q had cancer.    
Mr. Q obviously didn’t know what that was or what the result would be.
He continued to lounge around the house, be a companion to the family, make his rounds outdoors and sit in the sunshine.

The wife and boys knew that Mr. Q’s time was short.     Mr. Q was suddenly allowed on furniture that had been off-limits for years.     He was living it up.   

March 2015

The people could see how Mr. Q’s body was failing… but Mr. Q still did his normal cat things.    He would pick at the wife’s mattress every morning when it was time for breakfast.    He and the girl cat would circle the wife’s feet at every meal time until they were fed.    They were like a little cat gang, in cahoots with each other.     
The wife and boys still confided in Mr. Q about many things.    He was an important part of the family.

Months passed.  More than anticipated.   But the time had come, and the first day of fall would be Mr. Q’s last day with the family.
He spent the afternoon outside, sitting in the sunshine.     

September 23, 2015

2 pages

I've been wanting to sit and write for days.  I have so many thoughts jumbled up in my brain and no easy way to get them out.
My good ol' Andrew Peterson recently wrote a post about how long it takes to write a book and it was so encouraging to realize that if I were to write TWO pages a day... that would be roughly 700 pages by the end of a year.    When I read that article two weeks ago I thought I could set a goal for myself.
Here I am 14 days later... such a garbled mess.
I should totally write a book.*   And hire someone else to correct all of my horrible grammar.   But then again, I'm not sure a grammatically correct book would represent who I am.
A mess.

The last week or so, I've been going through my own little spiritual renewal of sorts.  
I went to see War Room not really knowing what the movie was about.   Boy... talk about convicting and inspiring wrapped up with a neat bow!   I came out of that movie inspired to be more bold and intentional in my prayer life.
And to top that, I stepped out on my own and attended a Beth Moore Simulcast at a church down the road.    She is a phenomenal speaker who encouraged me to, again, be bold in my faith.
I'm sensing that God wants me to be bold.  To be attentive and be present in the lives of people around me.  That's a tall order..... so I'm simply starting with more intentional prayer.
I'm hoping that the attentiveness will fall into place.

I have thought through much this week.   Thoughts on forgiveness, rebellion, apathy, direction, judgement, choices, hope, contentment, evil.  
Nothing really concrete or blog worthy.  yet.

Two pages a day, he says.
humph.


*said in sarcasm

all around

I'm entering my second week of  'freedom' before I start work.   The boys are settling into school and I'm really enjoying the opportunity for time with friends, day trips, drives in the country.
I know that I'm super spoiled.
I'm enjoying every second.
I have filled every hour, that the boys are in school, with people and activity.   My social tank is overflowing.   I have terrific friends.   It's been fabulous catching up with folks.

At the same time, my heart is heavy for many of my friends this week.   I have heard their stories over the summer.... either in person, via Facebook messages, or over the phone. *

It seems that the past several months, more than ever, people I know are REALLY struggling.   Men and women.  Their jobs, marriages, kids, families.   People I love are broken.   It's hard to witness.

I have heard many stories and listened to how people are coping with their difficulties.   Some are coping well, some are not.  
 For most, all I can do is listen and pray.   Some stories have left me speechless.   And believe it or not, I have cried over a few of you people.   (It seems like my Grinch heart is still growing)  ;)

No doubt things are sucky!   For some of you... beyond sucky!
The thing is...I see God at work.... restoring what Satan is trying so hard to destroy.

I've learned a lot about waiting over the years.
 It might take a while, But I know in time.....
 God will bring beauty from the ashes.
I've seen it.   I've witnessed it.  I see it happening with some friends now.   And I know that others will see brighter days in the future.

While we wait.... I pray for them.... For you, in the midst of your struggle.

I love you.  God loves you more.
Hang in there.    You're not alone.




*I must add that I feel honored and blessed that people confide in me.    I have heard many 'deep dark secrets' over the years.    I joke that my mind is a safe.    Things are locked away in there.  Really.... because  I don't have a husband to blab to, and chances are high that I might forget what someone has told me.  :)
But seriously... I don't take it lightly.  Thank you for sharing your life story with me.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

imperfect

The boys and I went shopping for school supplies tonight.
Upon turning in to the Walmart parking lot, I fussed about having to shop on a Saturday night with a zillion other people.   I was going to pay the price for my procrastination.   Just like all the other dummies who waited to shop.
"I didn't used to be like this guys!  I used to have it all together", I said.

And then Daniel said, "but then you turned cool."

I laughed at his statement.  Apparently 'procrastinating, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants' moms are "cool".
I must be the coolest of the cool.

I'm not a total slacker.    But I'm certainly not what I used to be.

Tomorrow marks seven years since Thayer's death.    And I think I am bold enough to say that I'm not the same person I was seven years ago.  (who is?)

I always like to think that I've mellowed out a bit.  That I am more flexible than I used to be.  That I value experiences over 'stuff'.    And I realize that things that used to stress me out were asinine.
I suppose all of those factors have evolved me into "cool".

This is one of those nights that I feel perfect in my imperfections.

end of summer.

Ha.   Summer.   I vaguely remember it.   But it was fast.   Probably the fastest.  Ever.

Rewinding to the start of summer.... Recall that nifty screen time chart that I made?
That was a joke.
And... my goal to drop my last 30 pounds this summer?
Nonsense.   We had way too much fun.  I actually gained 7 pounds.   My "summer weight" as I call it.
And remember how I always rave about my summer sleep schedule?
Well...apparently I'm a grown up now!.... because I was up and moving by 7am most days and on my morning walk by 8am.   hm.


Please don't ask what we did this summer.... because I'm not really sure.   The days were full. There were lots of people.   A few day trips.   A few over night trips.    And everything was tied up nicely last week when we vacationed at Topsail Island with my family.  

We had a great week at the beach!    I think that everyone enjoyed their time together.   I really enjoyed the lack of agenda and being "unplugged" for several days.  I enjoyed watching the boys boogie board and not get eaten by sharks.

I liked being away from reality so much that I didn't want to come home.    Seriously.     I had to pep talk myself all the way home.    The best motivation that I could come up with was that "the cats will be glad to see us".
And they were.

This week is full of appointments and preparations for school.   The boys will be slumming off to 8th and 9th grade on Monday-- while I enjoy a couple of weeks before preschool starts.
As always I am starting to crave our school routine.  This year, mainly for a more predictable eating schedule.    But basically because we all function better on a schedule.

This time of year usually throws me for a curve.   With the start of school and work, as well as remembering Thayer's death anniversary and his birthday.   Everything kinda gets smashed in there together.

I was starting to feel anxious today.   With all of that stuff on my mind a new concern popped up.

 (Not sure if I have written about this before, but Mr. Q was diagnosed with cancer this past January.)   The vet told me a "few months".   I figured that he would be gone before we had our beach vacation.   I had pictured a summer to grieve the death of our cat.    Amazingly.... he's still here.
Just yesterday I realized that his tumor has grown.   And then it hit me that this fall might be our season to grieve.   I'm not prepared for that.   I'm not prepared for missing work, and school, to bury a cat.   I'm not prepared for this kind of thing to happen on top of everything else that this season brings.  Our schedule is too full to add death.
ha.  I sound so absurd.  Who's ever ready for death?

Though I have been praying that God will take Mr. Q sooner than later. (and that I won't have to make the decision).
Lucas is still wishing we could help Mr. Q.... and I have repeatedly explained that Mr. Q is dying.  

wow.   This is gonna be so hard.

whew.  deep breath.
We never know what tomorrow will bring.
I just hope we make it smoothly through the next few weeks.

my confession

I have a confession to make.  And it has to be made quickly before word gets out that I'm a hypocrite.

Honesty is my forte.  So here goes:

I went to see Magic Mike XXL.

Most of you won't even bat an eye at that.  
But a handful of you.... you know the married friends who I questioned for seeing the first Magic Mike?  Remember those conversations about respecting your husbands, blah, blah, blah?

Well.  I think I still stand by those thoughts.  But I'll be a little less judgy.

First, I must be clear that I had zero interest in seeing this movie until one of my friends mentioned that a scene was filmed where we had vacationed at Myrtle Beach.  I figured that would be neat to see on screen.
So... when one of my single friends suggested that we go see the movie.... I tagged along.

I was hesitant... for fear that I would be uncomfortable.    But I put on my big girl pants and went just for the heck of it.

My review?... it sucked.

As far as movies go it lacked plot, decent acting, and  even basic cinematography.  It seemed low budget and lame.  And I didn't appreciate the foul language.

As some movie go-ers stated.... "we didn't come for a good story or good acting."
 touche.

But the thing is.... Channing Tatum is an excellent actor!   I have enjoyed all of his movies.   I'm pretty sure that if he was filmed reading from the dictionary for two hours  I would have been more entertained.
He was the only thing that carried this film.  (for obvious reasons)... but also due to less than a handful of witty lines and his charm.

The rest of the film was trash.

Here is what threw me for a loop:
I had gone in to the movie expecting to see male dancers shake their stuff on a stage.    I had no idea that the 'dancing' part of this film was solely acrobatics and simulating sexual positions with 'lucky' females pulled from a crowd.
I'm pretty sure I had a pained/ confused expression for most of the movie...because my forehead is still crinkled up.  

This movie was raunchy.


I was impressed with the physique of these guys and their strength.     I can't think of anyone in real life that can move like Channing Tatum.

And it's with that thought that I stick to my 'respect your husband' thing.
If I had seen the movie and then gone home to an average husband, would I not be thinking of how built Tatum is?   Would I not be wanting that kind of treatment at home?  
Would my focus shift, even slightly,  from the man that I chose to love and cherish?  
Just something to think about.

side note:  The whole thing with male dancers.... I don't get it.  
God created men to be stimulated visually.     But women are more emotional creatures.   right?
Sure... it's nice to see a man with a buff torso.... But those banana hammocks..... eww.      

I was more intrigued when he was fully dressed and moving furniture.
swoon.

plans change

I just finished watching a series on Netflix.   You know how some series end with a fast forward?   The last scene usually shows where everyone ended up and it's packaged neatly with a bow?
The show today threw me for a loop, with a two year fast forward.... and I may have shed a few tears over the characters.

Just like life.   Who knows where any of us will be in two years?!  The possibilities are pretty much endless.    We can strive and plan for what we'd like to happen, but in reality everything can change.
I, for one, can testify that life plans can change in an instant.

Just this week I have noticed changes that I would have never anticipated, or planned.
Simple things really.   But simple things could change an entire course.

First of all...  Let me say how effective God can be at changing things in our hearts and minds.
As many of you know I went to Uganda in 2011.   Ever since my return I have had plans to take my boys to experience Africa.   The year has been set.  2017.  I have planned for it.  Talked about it.  Set aside money for it.   My kids have even received some of the shots required to travel abroad.
And then.... just like that.... God said.... "Eh.  That's overrated. Why don't you let your kids experience another culture when they go with the church to Mexico?"

What, God?   I had plans!  They need to go to Africa.  2017.  I've talked about this for years.

Just like that.  Overnight.  (Actually during one of my morning walks).  My long term plan kind of evaporated.  poof.
And ya know what?  I'm okay with it.
Who even knows where we'll be in two years?


This week Lucas and I shared a difficult day together.   It was a challenge for me.  (It brought me back to the days/years following Thayer's death when Lucas was angry and unpredictable).  I didn't have a clue what to do that day.   I had not planned on having such a sucky day.   I had to pull up my bootstraps and do the single parent thing the best I could.  
(I have a great support system who offered to step in and help.  Their encouragement, and listening went a long way.  thank you!)

And you know what?   The next day things were back to normal!  Smooth sailing again.   During that one day of strife I was reminded of how quickly things could change.  In our case it was just a bad day.   Just like Alexander's mom says, "some days are like that, even in Australia."

We can't predict where we'll be in two years.   We can't even state in certainty if we'll be around at the end of the day.      
I can make daily plans that are blocked by a barricaded door.
Or God can change plans that we thought all along were a good idea.

I think the best part of knowing God is in charge... is also knowing that whatever changes occur are for the best.
 Bring it.

If anything, I think I'm learning to be flexible.   To roll with it.
Have no regrets.

again

Another young man lost his life in a motorcycle accident this weekend.   The details of the accident sounded eerily similar to Thayer's.    I was able to put myself in the shoes of his family... because we've been there.  This guy leaves behind two kids too.  

It's a tragedy.  Fatherless kids.

The topic of fathers has been on my mind lately.  

 I don't know what it's like to grow up without a Dad.    My Dad has always been around.   And I can't imagine a childhood without my Dad in the household.

My boys aren't at the point where they talk much about their 'feelings'.... but I know that they must miss a Dad in their lives.     One of my widow friends shared with me that her son, now a teenager, actually expressed that he missed his Dad.      And I'm sure my boys do too.  
So many milestones are upon us.   And the list will continue to grow.  

I've been embarrassing my boys lately with talks about puberty and their changing bodies.   I talk about weird stuff and we all laugh about it.     But really....How odd it must be for them to have their Mom at the helm of puberty talks.  
It's just our reality and we roll with it.

I'm watching a show on Netflix that is dealing with some deep stuff within a blended type family.   I thought the show revolved around a foster kid who was reunited with her birth parents.... but in actuality, the show is revealing the reality of most families.   People have Daddy issues. People have Mommy issues.  There is rejection, loneliness, regret.   And everyone has the need to feel wanted and  loved.

I'm sure that these fatherless kids will have so many feelings to dig through as they get older.   And the damage is clearly a lifelong struggle.
But in the end I hope that my boys feel loved.   Really loved.