the in-between

We went to church on Sunday for the first time in many weeks.   I am not sure what the actual talk was about, but I came away with "Where are you going"?  
Not the Heaven and Hell question.... but the honest to goodness "What are you doing with your life?!"

For months, I have gone to bed each night telling God that I need to get back in touch with Him.  I suppose that conversation in itself is a starter.   I'm confident enough in my faith that I know God 'gets' where I'm at.  

I stare at a verse in my kitchen window each day.  
Jeremiah 6:16
This is what the Lord says:

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls."

 

I've been wondering about 'the crossroads'.    I wonder if I would even notice a crossroad when I stumble upon it. 

Perhaps I'm standing in one now.  

And what does the 'good way' look like?

 

Tonight I picked up my Bible for the first time in months and read the book of Ruth.  

Ruth.  A widow.  

She faced a crossroad. 

She was content in side-lining her possibilities and moved away with her mother-in-law.    

Content to work in the field. 

And then BAM... she ends up with Boaz and gives birth to Obed.... who is part of the genealogy of Jesus.

That's a pretty nifty contribution to society.

 

I'm at the point where I'm content.  Really content. (sometimes I feel like I border on apathy.) 

I'm not necessarily ready to bump into Boaz... but I'm curious about the road that will come along and point me in the direction I'm supposed to go.  What will I do with my life?

 

I realize that I have a priority to raise these boys.  But then what?  Do I have a path or destination in mind for my future? (other than marrying wealthy and traveling?) ha.

 

I will not get more cats.

 

It would be really nifty if God would pave a road with yellow bricks.

away from home

I love traveling.  Not so much for the sight seeing.. but more about being away from home.  
There is something freeing about traveling with clothes, toiletries, and minor road trip gear.   I can totally understand the enticement to hit the road when someone retires.    It's what Thayer and I used to dream about. 
No house stuff or responsibilities, no time line, no pets.

We are slowing falling back to reality after a ten day trip to Colorado.  The boys and I traveled out to see Thayer's family.   We met up, and traveled through the state of Colorado, with Thayer's brother and my niece and nephews.  
My boys were thrilled to have time with their cousins.   It had been too long.

The highlights of our trip included:

-grueling airport delays on three out of four flights.

-Visiting with the boys' Great-Grandparents and Grandfather.

-Making a fort in the woods.

-Picnicking on the Colorado National Monument.

-Swimming in hotel pools and hot tubs.

-Exploring SEVEN skate parks in six different Colorado cities.

-Riding the Royal Gorge Route Railroad.

*Swimming in the Arkansas River and diving into the rapids.

-Visiting the Gold Mine Rock Shop.

-white knuckle driving on Skyline drive.

*Going to Casa Bonita.

Huge trip. 
Many memories made.

freedom

I'm typing as a last resort while the kids are out roaming.  The  highlights of my day have included paying bills and cleaning the outdoor trash can.   

We returned on Saturday from an amazing, long, week at Smith Mountain Lake State Park.   That place has become one of my favorite places on the planet.   I would love to take up residence in one of those cabins and stay there all summer.    Mostly because I don't want to be at home... with home responsibilities.       
It was so nice to get away from it all.     I enjoyed sitting lakeside and the boys enjoyed playing with cousins and friends.

One of the perks about being away from home is also being 'unplugged'.  I dare say that it was one of the most pleasant weeks I've had in a long time.   Lots of uninterrupted time with my boys.   No need to check email or facebook.   No desire to Google anything.  No shackles of a computer addiction. 
I feel lighter and happier. 

 

Summer!

Our summer has officially arrived.   No school, no work.  All fun.

Last weekend, before school was out... Daniel competed in his first ever skateboarding competition.   We're totally new to that scene and it was interesting.   I was SO proud that he got out there and did his thing in front of spectators.   He ranked second place in the Beginner category.   I hope this will give him the confidence to get out there in the future.    He's pretty awesome.

This past Thursday was the last day of school!!   And the last day of elementary school for our family.   Kind of sad to say farewell to the people who have played such an important role in my kids' lives.  Those teachers and staff have been such an encouragement to me, as a single mom.   They have done their part as 'the village' for my kids..... It really DOES take a village ;)

So-- as of last Friday... S U M M E R freedom!!!    yay!

The boys jumped in feet first with an awesome hiking/camping trip with dudes from church.   I am so thankful that especially one guy from church has involved my boys with serious 'man' stuff.    This hiking trip seemed huge to me.... and yet they went... and LOVED every minute!   Both boys were excited to share the details and the happenings from the weekend.     They were quick to inform me that it was all stuff that I would have freaked out about.   I suppose that's why it was so fun.  The 'shock your mom' factor plays a huge role in male development, I'm sure.
I'm so happy for them and I hope that it can be a recurring thing.

On a side  note: I completed a daunting task today.   I have finalized all the trip planning for our trip to Colorado this summer.    Plane tickets in hand, car rental reserved, and several hotels reserved!   I Also have an entire page of addresses to several skate parks along our route!  (score cool points for Mom!)
This is the first ever "big" trip that I've had to plan entirely on my own.  I think that Thayer would be proud.   We will be going to visit with his family.   I'm looking forward to seeing my brother-in-law, nephews and niece... as well as catching up with extended family.    I'm so excited!   Now that the planning is set, I can sit back and enjoy my free days.

Second side note:  Tomorrow we are babysitting my sister and niece.  My sister is doing fabulous following her surgery.  I am thrilled that God has worked wonders during her recovery!

Good news all around this week :-)



family in crisis

I have seriously confirmed that I am a crisis blogger.   I can blog all day and night when there has been death, destruction, disfunction, dismemberment.
(thankfully that last one hasn't happened yet.)
I've signed on to blogger several times over the last month... with great intentions of typing absolutely nothing.   Things have been calm, scheduled, and uneventful in our lives.
I should have known that the tide would turn at some point.

This week brings me a great crisis story for my memoir but I want to challenge myself to type out the good points in this story.

1.  My sister is alive!
Early Wednesday morning, my sister had three seizures out of the blue.   There were several moments when we thought she was going to die.  seriously.  
A CT scan showed a spot of something on her brain.    Then a MRI confirmed that she had a Cavernous Malformation of the brain.  (I'll pause while you look that up.)

If anything could be wrong with your brain... this is a good thing to go wrong.   I was beyond thrilled that this was a fixable thing!     (But I must admit that the time spent waiting for the MRI results was very unnerving.)
 The neurosurgeon was able to do surgery on Thursday evening and the procedure was a success!   
I still can't comprehend that my sister had brain surgery!     And she was released to go home TODAY!    Modern medicine and a steady hand-- provided by God --is simply amazing.    
**Please cover her in prayer as she recovers from home.  There are still many challenges ahead.**

2.  My family is a beautiful rarity.
I guess I've always known that my family was special.  (I've been known to complain one day and rave the next)  But we really do have it good.  And I should bite my tongue next time I want to grumble. (as my friends have told me to) :)

I am so encouraged when I think about how ALL of our family gets along with each other.    Me, my sisters, my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins.   everyone... on my mother's side and my father's side.  
I can't recall ever having a family fued, of any kind.  

I saw our family in action when Thayer died. 
I saw it again when Shelley was hospitalized.  
Everyone drops what they are doing and helps out.   They don't wait for instructions.... they show up, they watch kids, they provide food, they sit, they wait, they talk.

In our immediate family, my parents take the gold medal.   They completely put their regularly scheduled lives on hold when things go awry for their daughters.   I can't count the number of miles they have driven, the meals they have made, the loads of laundry, the hours of babysitting, the yard work, the housework... (just to name a few of their sacrifices).    My sisters and I are very fortunate to live close to our parents.   And to each other.

We've never sat and discussed this, but I can contribute much of our family's closeness to the fact that we share a Christian faith.   Though we are far from perfect in our journey, we know the basis of how to love and forgive.  
I can see that many of our extended family members have the gift of compassion and service.  It is a special thing to know that we've got so many people 'on our side'.
I should totally verbalize this more.
We are blessed indeed.

blah

I've had almost a month of almost type-able moments.     Evenings when I wanted to debrief....  But I chose to watch Netflix and turn off my brain.  
I have slowly gone MIA.   This past Sunday I finally shut down.   Rain had canceled skateboarding plans....so I laid in bed from 2-5pm with little care of what was going on around me.

This past month has been uneventful, as I remember.   I know that we were busy most of the month and then things came to a halt.   I look forward to free time yet I don't quite know what to do with it.  I am thrilled when the kids request to visit the skate park.   I am able to escape the house for a few precious hours.   It's been confirmed that I am not a homebody.

I've struggled with Lucas this month.   We are currently on an up-swing.  I think I finally have a hold on consequences and limits that are helpful in controlling his outbursts.     But as you know, it's a bumpy ride with this kid.   
He and I played a Harry Potter board game tonight.   It was such a pleasure to spend some one-on-one time with him.   He thrives in those moments.

The anticipation of summer break brings a small breath of excitement to each day.   This school year has been the fastest yet.
We are looking forward to a vacation out west this summer.   We plan to visit with Thayer's family.    If only I could convince myself to book the tickets.  Maybe tomorrow.

Netflix is calling.

thinking of Spring!

I had forgotten how much I enjoy spring.
We are currently enjoying a heat wave and I was reminded that activity can take place outdoors again!

Tonight I sit on my newly cleaned-off carport, breathing the toxic fumes of the weed killer that I used in my gravel drive.  (you are welcome, neighborhood.  yes, that's my poison you smell.)
I'm listening to the birds chirp and the crunch of  (what I assume to be) deer hooves in the back yard.
Daniel was out a few minutes ago, riding his bike in the cul-de-sac.
I can't believe that he is twelve.  He'll be thirteen this year.

Tomorrow would be my 14th wedding anniversary.     Earlier today I thought about how Daniel has been around for most of those years.   And the fact that Daniel has been around longer than I was married.  (married only 9 years) 
I looked at Daniel and thought about how proud Thayer would be of his boys.   Thayer knew them when they were still so young... and cute.   I sometimes wonder what he would have taught them by now.  I wonder what they would have done on the weekends.   I'm sure that I would have assigned them a zillion house projects, and the boys would be super familiar with everything at Lowes.  

April is one of my favorite months.   New life is starting to bloom.  The grass is magically greener and the blossoms are beautiful.   I'm waiting for the Red Bud tree in our front yard to bloom.  
It's the tree that we planted in memory of Thayer.   
Thayer and I came home from our Honeymoon in April of 1999.  The Virginia roads were lined with blooming Red Bud trees and I can remember how Thayer and I marveled at their purple beauty.  I had never noticed those trees before.

I'm waiting for the Spring Peepers to wake up.   I hear one or two random frogs right now. I don't think it's the peeps.  I know that spring will officially be here when our backyard becomes a chorus of peepers.   I look forward to that every year.

Spring break was refreshing.  The boys and I visited Thayer's family in South Carolina and then made a spontaneous stop at the NC Zoo.    Arriving late in the afternoon, the zoo informed us that our tickets would be valid the next day!    We decided to grab a hotel that night.    We had to make a stop at Walmart for swim trunks.  I  called every hotel in the vicinity until we found one with an available room and an indoor pool.  (which is a must!)    We had to travel to some unknown city about 20  miles away.... but it was totally worth it!    The boys and I LOVED the unplanned mini vacation! 

I feel like we are fresh, renewed, and ready to rock this spring!

nothing is wasted

I've been pushing this song on a friend for a few weeks, and then this video was released and I can't get enough!
From the start, the miniatures are amazing. 
BAM!  Right away, I feel the loss of my marriage and my heart aches over Thayer's death, and the uncertainty of my future.
The story continues and I see my friends' losses and struggles unfold in miniature.   I carry a story for each item represented.

There is sadness.   There is loss.
Yet there is hope. 
Hope plants a seed for beauty to bloom.

I so often feel like I am waiting for that flowery ending.
and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. 

Jason sings a lovely reminder for those of us who are waiting....

"sometimes we are waiting in the sorrow we have tasted-

but JOY will replace it."

I do not wait in vain.

Thank you, Jesus, for speaking to us through song... and reminding us that there is more to come!

fatherless

We've finally received the snow that we've been waiting for all winter.    It came in 'spring', on Palm Sunday.  I love when God surprises us in unexpected ways. 

The three of us hung out all afternoon watching the snow fall and watching random things on Netflix.
The boys didn't venture outside to play until after dinner.  I don't expect to see them again until after dark... .when I insist that they come in and thaw out.  (they came in around 8:30)

The weather has been wacky.   Yesterday was warm and beautiful.   I took Daniel and the neighbor kids to a local skate park.  They skated for several hours. 

A few of the unattended kids would come over and talk to me because I was the only parent who was hanging out.   One of the boys, 9 years old, kept asking me to watch him.   He'd keep coming over and saying, "Did you see me?"    It was a curious thing that he needed so much affirmation.  
He was asking for the same attention from the skate park attendant.  
The attendant casually mentioned to me, "that kid really needs a Dad in his life".  
I quietly agreed.... and held back my initial thought of "my boys do too."

How interesting.  I wonder how often my kids come across as "needing a Dad in their life"?
I wonder if it's obvious to random people in public?   How obvious is it that my kids don't have a Dad?

I think I can speak for most widowed, single parents when I say this:

I'd be rich if I had a dollar for everyone who has tried to be helpful in asking, " Do your boys have a strong male influence in their life?"    Many well meaning people have suggested that my children's issues would somehow be less daunting if they had a great guy that could mentor them.
And I agree... but it's easier said than done.

In my case....The short, appeasing, answer is 'yes', my Dad (their Papa) hangs out with them alot.   He takes them on outings, he hangs out with them, and he is involved in their life.
But... he is their Grandfather.   He is filling that role perfectly.   He is not their Dad, nor do I want him in that role.

Many people have said, "Surely your church has some young men that can do things with your kids?"  And perhaps it does... but the opportunity hasn't presented itself on a regular basis.    I think it's hard to find mentors for kids when most men are busy with their jobs and their own families.   Who am I to suggest that they spend time with my kids as well? 
It would take a special person...

And would you believe that while I was writing this post, my attention was drawn to facebook and I noticed a link to a church message about the fatherless?!
I just spent the last 50 minutes listening to this message and I was so very encouraged.   I'm tempted to move to Atlanta and be a part of this church.  ;)
The North Atlanta Church of Christ is on to something!   As a single mom, their message, their children's ministry, and challenge to their members is exactly what I want to hear.   
 It was encouraging to see that there are men out there who are helping to raise boys to men.
(as a side note, I think that most churches drop the ball when ministering to 'modern families'.)

My ultimate hope and prayer is that God will be the father to my fatherless boys.   I'm relying on God to bring the right men into their lives, at the right time, to help shape them into the men that God wants them to be.   Right now, the mentoring pool is slim... but I pray that as my boys grow and become involved in various activities that God will place the right men in their paths.   
I have hope.  And God will provide.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  ~Psalm 68:5

 

The LORD watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked. ~Psalm 146:9

an amazing square

My ten year old has been begging for weeks for me to take him to Amazement Square.   Amazement Square is an amazing place the first time you go.   But after a year long family membership (which was a gift after Thayer's death... and very much used and very much appreciated).... the place got old and boring.

 Since Lucas' recent excitement seemed to be fresh, I took him and a neighbor for a magical visit to the museum today.   Interesting enough... except for one exhibit... the place was exactly as I remember it from 2009/10.

I tried to get some kind of discount for a "parent that would not be involved at all during their visit".... but alas I had to pay full price.   I knew that the boys would lose me in a heartbeat as they made themselves scarce in the climbing structure.     Lucas told me where to wait and they disappeared.  I wandered around a while and then sat in my designated location.   I knew without a doubt that they would show up again if they were hurt, hungry, thirsty, or bored. 

I'm not sure that the facility has awards for folks like me (the ones who let their kids run rampant).... but I found that ALL of the parents were letting their kids run rampant, but I was the only one smart enough not to run around looking for them.  (I was smart to wait in the 'designated meeting place') 

As I sat in the lobby for two hours I was amazed at what a stressful, uneasy environment this kind of place can be.   I was physically uncomfortable as I watched frantic parents looking for their kids.... screaming up into the 'tower' looking for little Jack.... running up the stairs to retrieve darling Adeline... watching Adeline reduced to tears while being reprimanded for running off by herself.

I was also amazed that for every one child that entered the doors, they were accompanied by atleast three or four adults.  Parents and grandparents.   The moms usually toting a smaller sibling and the grandparents looking flustered and confused.  
And even with an entourage of chaperones... the kid goes missing. 
Same story for two hours.
It was exhausting.

Some of the parents looked they they had it together until I realized that they actually were trying to wrangle 3 other kids out of the play structure.   Their assumption of control was a facade because clearly the kids were calling the shots.   I had a rare glimpse into some of these families because I was the fly on the wall.   So many wild eyed kids ran through that lobby.  And I kept thinking, "only in America".   geez. 

Then it occured to me that I used to be one of those parents!  I must have been.  I had two small children at one time...and I frequented crazy kids' places too.   At the time,  I thought I rocked the mommy thing... but apparently I was just as lame and crazy as the people I observed today.

And here I was.... sitting on the bench in the lobby relishing the thought that I had 'been there' and 'done that'.    Yet, also knowing full well the the kids that I should have been watching were playing havoc on four floors of fun.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of myself for making it through the early years.... or if I should feel guilty for enjoying the 'older' years a little too much.

my word

Currently reading My One Word by Mike Ashcraft.  
And my one word this year...   
(drumroll please)......

REST

This has been hard to explain to people because I do not simply mean being lazy or sleeping more.   (even though sleep does happen to be a focus for me this year!)

This year I want to focus on:

REST in God's presence.
The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."   Exodus 33:14

REST in quiet time with God.
"...Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31

REST in God's security.
"Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure." Psalm 16:9

REST in God's promises.
Praise be to the Lord, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promied.  Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses. 1 Kings 8:56

REST in contentment.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  Psalm 62:5

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

REST from excess and rest from busyness.
These two carry over into several aspects of life and I'm anxious to see how God will teach me this year.

It's interesting to see the little ways that God has already spoken my word to me in the past few weeks.  Several Bible verses and songs have popped up at the right moment, as gentle reminders that God's got this.   My prayer is that I can rest in God alone this year and focus on deepening my relationship with him.

1st visual

Andrew Peterson has written the soundtrack of my life.   I have often thought that God uses Andrew as a direct line to my heart.   His music has followed me through marriage,babies, kids, moving, job transitions, road trips, financial and marital strains, road trips, death, and life transitions.    

Thayer introduced me to Andrew Peterson's music back in 2000.   Thayer ran sound for Andrew during a show at our church.   I didn't go to the concert, (I think I was home with a new baby) but Thayer brought home a CD.... and I was hooked.

As I was recalling the impact of Andrew's music on my life, I realized that Andrew's music has also been the background music for my boys.   They know the music.  I catch them singing along at times.   They have absorbed many of the songs subliminally while they slept on road trips.   They know about Andrew Peterson.

They are aware that Andrew came to sing at Thayer's memorial service.  Both boys were so young and they probably don't recall the details, or realize how gracious Andrew was to be a part of the service.

Despite the fact that they know about Andrew Peterson, I recently realized that they have never seen Andrew in concert!  

I took my boys to their first Andrew Peterson concert tonight.  (with special thanks to my friends John and Lois!)
Andrew and Jason Gray joined forces for this particular tour.   

The venue was our old church in Charlottesville.   It was nice to go back and recognize many familiar faces.
As I surveyed the room, I recalled the countless hours that Thayer worked while the church was being built.  He helped set up the sound system.   I could see his handiwork throughout the room.
Then I considered it odd how Thayer ran sound for Andrew Peterson back in 2000....
and now in 2013, Andrew was plugged in to the sound system that Thayer helped to design and construct.
(Just an interesting thought.)


Andrew Peterson (left) and Jason Gray (right)  Photo by Lois :)

Even more interesting.... when Andrew and Jason came on stage... Lucas leaned over and said "Which one is he?" 
WHAT?!   How could MY child not know who Andrew Peterson is?  Has he lived in a box his entire life?

Silly me.   Lucas has heard Andrew his entire life... but does not remember seeing him!    I was a bit amused... and even more determined to take my kids to more shows!

The concert was refreshing.   The boys bought a few CDs and a t-shirt.   And my bro-in-law snapped a great pic of Lucas and my niece with Jason Gray!
I'm looking forward to taking my kids out on the town more often :)

God is Awake

I have been enjoying the lack of eventfulness lately.   There has been nothing to report.  Nothing weighing heavily on my mind.  Nothing to keep me awake at night.

I've been sleeping 8+ hours at night.    And it's become a regular thing.  I have NO idea how I survived on three or four hours of sleep after Thayer died.  I remember being a zombie for a long time.... and people were pretty forgiving of that for so long.  
Even after the initial year or more of all-night cry fests,  I was still a night owl for several years... just out of habit.
Now, finally, I feel like a normal oldish person who goes to bed at semi-normal hours.
I have mastered the ability of falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.   I'm proud of that.

I have a gorgeous painting on my wall by Sunshine Barlowe Lewis.  It's the only piece of art that I own.... and I love it.     As I go to bed each night I can see the quote from Victor Hugo, who is one of my faves!
"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. And when you have finished your daily task, Go to sleep in peace - God is awake". - Victor Hugo

I sleep well at night knowing that God's got this.  No matter how sucky my day was or how much my kids are annoying me.  God's got this.  There is nothing that I can solve or accomplish in the dark of night.
I can sleep in peace knowing that tomorrow starts a new day. 
I try to remind my kids of that every night.  Tomorrow is a new day.   A new opportunity to start fresh, behave at school (and at work), be kind to people who bug us, and have a better attitude.  A new beginning, each day.

But looking back, there were many days when I would dread waking, not wanting to get out of bed, not convinced that the new day would be an improvement to the last. 
The 'sorrows of life' were overwhelming.  

 I think about dear friends who are currently in a mess of sorrows.   I know that they are sleepless at night and their troubles are overwhelming.  
My prayer is that they too will see that tomorrow is a new day.    

I have come out of that dark of night as a witness that God does have this.   Things will get better.  You will rest again.   It's a long night.... but take courage my friends.   God is awake.

Why I love my friends...

......and what I want in a man.....  

I want a decisive man.

Thayer used to make important decisions.   He was decisive and in control of most situations.

He always knew where he wanted to eat.

Since Thayer's death, I've found that eating out can be a challenge.  Obviously not a hindrance to my weight gain, but a challenge nonetheless.

After several years of painful car arguments, I have finally learned that I do not give restaurant choices to both of my boys at the same time.   I have learned that it is best to quietly discuss an eating location with one child before the car ride begins.    And then I announce the location once we are in route.

Planning with friends isn't quite as easy.
Restaurant selection with some of my friends goes as follows:
(the following roles can easily be reversed depending on who is driving the car.)

me: alrighty!  where to?
friend:  oh, I don't know.  where do you want to go?
me: I don't care.  you're driving. 
friend: so?
me: driving makes you in charge.
friend:  I don't know!
me:  I'm fine with anything.  
friend:  me too.
me: what do you feel like eating?
friend:  How about give me three choices and I'll pick.
me: okay.  A, B, C
friend:  C sounds good.
me:  oh, I forgot that I had C yesterday.
friend: oh.  then why did you suggest that!?
me:  I had just forgotten about it until now.   But I'm fine with going again.
friend:  you are such a dork.
me: I know.
friend:   So... A or B?
me: I dunno.
friend:  A has good ____.  but B has good _____.
me: hmm... either is fine.
friend:  How about D?  We haven't been there in a while?
me:  eh, it's okay.
friend:  so you're not feeling that?
me:  It reminds me of E.
friend:  How about F?  they have good french fries and ranch.
me: sold!   Why didn't you think of that ten minutes ago?!

I love my friends.    They are really patient with me!
But think of how much energy, time, fuel, and hot air we'd save if there was a decisive man in the car?!

me: where to?
man: let's go for Mexican.
me: okay.

boring update

Today I went to work.   Then I did nothing.

Daniel stayed home sick from school today and managed to watch every 'man' show on Netflix.    

(The other night, I put a TV and the Wii in his room during a party, and the boys have been holed up in there for a few days, enjoying their own little den of television.   they are enjoying this brief interlude of my 'tvs don't belong in bedrooms' rule.)

I came home, planted myself on the living room couch and did nothing all afternoon.  
My brilliant idea of being unplugged during the day has long been thrown to the wayside.   I spent my afternoon in a flurry of checking facebook, checking email and watching episodes of "The Big Bang Theory". 

(People rave about this show.  I'm almost done with the first season....and it's improved from the pilot... but I'm really waiting for some character or plot development.   The jury is still out about whether I'll be a huge fan.)

anywho.  back to the couch.   
I felt uneasy not doing anything.    I wondered what I should be doing, but then I took a nap for an hour.   When I woke, both of my hands had fallen asleep.   
I didn't realize that idle hands could lose blood so quickly.

Lucas came home and retreated to the TV hole.  The boys started watching countless hours of cartoons and i realized that the sun had set.   I peeled myself out from under the blanket and threw together some little pizzas for dinner.   We had our family dinner- at the table- and we all wondered if there was something that we were supposed to be doing this evening.
So many wasted hours... it has been baffling.

This kind of day is really rare around here.  I'm usually going, or doing, or piddling around with something.   
Today was refreshing.... and I keep telling myself that it's okay to have days like these. 
We all enjoyed being lazy today.
I guess it's back to reality tomorrow.

the buffet

It was unsettling.

Lucas convinced us to go to the Golden Corral buffet.  I knew better.  
We went because Daniel had not been since he was in an infant carrier.  

Outside it was cold and snowing. 
Inside it was much like the street of your average amusement park.  Hundreds of people (literally) bustling about shoulder to shoulder.      The overhead music mimicked that of a theme park as well.  The only things missing were the giant mascots and the water misters.
The staff was frantically showing people to their seats and talking to each other through microphones and earpieces.   (They reminded me of the backstage staff at a rock concert.)

The buffet bar was full of overflowing tubs of food.  People crowded around and waited their turns to fill their plates.   
I remember that Thayer and his friend liked to call buffets "hog feeding troughs". 
Indeed.

In front of the overflowing large tub of mashed potatoes, one woman bravely spoke to her friend, "I'm just not a buffet person.  It's for some people, but not for me."
I wanted to lean in and agree with her but the crowd parted us as people pushed in toward the
fried seafood.

I'm totally not a buffet person. 
Sure.  I love food.   And I'm guilty of eating too much at times.   But the excess at that buffet was very unsettling to me.   It was a big fat reminder of how gluttonous our society is. 
Heaping plates of food. 
Servers clearing the tables with heaping plates of untouched food- to be trashed.
I looked over at Lucas towards the end of our meal and he had chocolate dripping from his chin.  He had just gorged himself on chocolate dipped treats and he was topping it off with cotton candy.    yuk!

My entire meal, I kept thinking of beautiful faces like this...

I was reminded of the kids that I met in Uganda who walked around chewing on sugar cane.
I was transported back two years, remembering how my worldview had been dramatically changed after that trip.  
It's unsettling how easily I settled back into my American habits... but I don't want to forget these faces!

The team from Mission Link is in route to Uganda as I type.  I SO want to be with them.  And hopefully in a few years I'll be toting my kids along with me.
In the meantime, please join with me this week as I pray for the Mission Link medical team that will be caring for these people physically and spiritually.  The bandages might be temporary, but I pray that many seeds will be planted for the future.

from the litter box

I love it when God teaches me through small insignificant things.  Small things are good.
Sometimes it takes life altering events to get the point across... and sometimes he teaches with cat litter.

The other night I was tediously scooping cat poop from the litter box as Mr. Q stood by and watched.  I knew that the instant I completed my chore that he would get in there and S#@!  

It occurs to me that God sometimes does that.  (wow, not the cursing thing, obviously).   But I know that He often hangs out and watches us do our thing.  We put plans together, we expect things to go as planned.  
All the while God is looking over our shoulders, knowing exactly what He's going to do next.   Sometimes it's good stuff and sometimes it's crap.
Lucky for us, God always cleans up the mess when our plans go awry.

Over the past week several people have asked me "How are you really doing?"
 (am I doing something that makes people wonder?!)
I feel like I'm doing well.  I feel content.
My relationship with the boys is improving.
I am happy with my job and with my friends.
I have learned to budget my time and I feel more relaxed than I have in years.

If you had asked me 4 years ago if I thought I would ever be happy again... I'm not sure what I would have said.    I couldn't see a future for myself after Thayer died. 
Obviously I clung to my verse.  Jeremiah 29:11... But mostly to the part  about how God will "give hope and a future".   I knew that God would have to fill me with hope.   I clung to that for several years.    "Hope" was my word.

Next month, my lifegroup at church will be reading and discussing My One Word by Mike Ashcraft.  I initially thought of course my word will be 'hope'.   But the more I think about it.   I've got 'hope' down pat.  I think it just occurred to me that God has delivered!  I'm not sure at what point it came, but I've got it.

So as I dig into the book next month I will be coming up with another word.  I'm got a few in mind.  And I'm excited about a new focus.  something other than simply surviving and waiting for a future.  perhaps it's time to start living that.
Thank you God for providing!

unplugged

I've come up with a lovely new idea for myself in the new year.   I have made a pact with myself and my boys that I will only check my email, and facebook, one time each evening... ideally once the kids have gone to bed.
I managed to do quite well with it this past week.  

The time that I had been wasting with my constant computer tinkering is absurd.  really absurd.
And while on my technology 'fast', I realized that I had an amazing amount of free time!

This past week I cleaned out a cluttered mess in my computer hutch, we cleaned the unfinished room in the basement, and I organized under my bathroom cabinet.   All of the things that I had successfully avoided for months.   I was feeling productive AND connected to my kids.  

The problem with being 'unplugged' is that I didn't have instant answers to my questions, or instant reactions from my friends.  
I had to call THREE people on the phone this week to have a few questions answered.  wow!
I also had to keep a running list of who I needed to email during my solo email session.

I wasn't sure how I would react to my new plan... but it has been like going on a vacation!!  It has been so refreshing and I feel like I'm claiming a bit of life back.    Because truth is... if you're always online, you clearly aren't 100% invested in the life that's right in front of you.

As for today... the kids are outside and I'm taking a reprieve from cleaning the house.   I suppose it's okay to blog once in a while during the day.
and come to think of it... i'll probably sneek over to facebook to post this.    I guess that old habits are hard to break!

debriefing

Today I was interviewed by a guy who is writing a book about how to raise sons to be men in the absence of a father.    It appears he is interviewing a zillion single moms to find out what they consider to be challenges or struggles.

I learned some stuff about myself in the process.

I learned that I suck pretty badly on phone interviews and I find it hard to express my thoughts verbally.

I learned that I just want my kids to be 'okay' when they grow up.  I'd like them to be good men, good fathers.   I long for them to learn compassion and consideration for others.

I learned that I really don't have fears concerning my boys and I certainly don't lay awake at night worrying about their futures.  
And while considering my lack of worry.... I realized that after Thayer died, worrying just didn't make sense.  Why worry about things that our totally out of your hands?

I also realized that I don't hold much guilt about all of my failures as a mom.   Of course I make mistakes... but I am not 100% responsible for who my kids are.  They are their own people.  And I am only human.
I have always prayed that God would fill the voids and raise them where I lack.

I learned that despite the constant battle for respect, the constant struggle of disciplining these monsters, and the off-and-on fury from Lucas, I am pretty darn content with where we are today.

I was challenged to answer what I wanted and what would perfect look like.   
I thought having a step-dad for the boys and a farm would fit the bill.    Both of those ideas seem so abstract.  And quite humorous, right?   :)
The perfect part would simply include being respected by the boys in a peaceful relationship.  
What mom doesn't want that?

In the course of the questioning, I realized that God has provided for us financially, and that is a huge burden lifted.   He has also provided social outlets for myself and the boys.  I am so thankful for my friends!
Being a solo parent is no walk in the park, but I'm aware that my situation could be much more difficult.  I'm totally counting my blessings!

looking back

It seems like quite a while ago when I had our old home videos transferred to DVDs. 
I haven't been able to watch them for fear that I would break down into a blubbering, sobbing fool.

Tonight! We started watching the DVDs!!
 This is huge.   I had no apprehension and was actually excited to get them out of the closet and pop them in.
We watched about two hours of Daniel as a baby.   He was so cute and chubby.   He army crawled all over creation in our old house.    (I loved that house!)
We watched as Thayer gave Daniel his first haircut on our deck.  We watched all three of us sit in the baby pool.  We watched Daniel and Mr. Q playing in a box.    We saw old friends and relatives in their early years.     We saw my Grandma, Froggie.  It was great to hear her voice again.

And it was really nice to see, and hear, Thayer.   I didn't cry nearly as much as I had expected.   These particular videos were from 2001.   Thayer and I were both so young.   I can hardly remember those years.   It was interesting to hear us interact with each other and Daniel.  
Daniel was clearly a first child in the family.  It was humorous to see.

Lucas must have said at least 5 times,  "You were so skinny".  
indeed.  
Lucas also mentioned, "you were so nice".
I quickly reminded him that 2001 was before he was born, before I had given birth to two children, AND before my kids learned how to talk.
Before life happened.

Isn't it interesting how much things change over a period of eleven and a half years?

We had a great time watching the first of several dvds... and then we went upstairs and returned to reality.    Bedtimes have not been pleasant since they've been back at school.  
I think I miss my non-verbal babies.

another year

Christmas came and went without too much fanfare.   Lucas got a camera, Daniel got a camcorder.  They also received gift cards and other nifty things from relatives.    We tend to keep it simple around here.   My boys tend to be very content with what they have.  Prior to Christmas, they couldn't even think of anything to ask for this year.   (I suppose that could also mean that I spoil them with too much stuff throughout the year.  I dunno.) 

We postponed our usual after-Christmas trip to South Carolina.   We'll be going down later this spring.    This is the first time we've been home for so long during a Christmas vacation.  It has been marvelous.   I have been super excited about sleeping late.   I can't even recall what we have done for the past week... but it's been grrrreat!

I can't believe that another year is behind us.    This was our fifth Christmas without Thayer.
 I managed to fill the stockings on Christmas Eve without tears.     
There is always that empty feeling during family gatherings... but it was a little less achy this year.

Looking back on this year.... I realized that I have only blogged 48 times.  That is a far cry from previous years.   I suppose that it's a good thing.  I haven't had too much on my mind that was dying to get out in print.  

It also saddens me because I feel like I've lost some of my motivation for writing... and thinking. 
I owe most of my lost motivation to the fact that my relationship with Jesus has been pushed to the side this year.   I haven't been on close speaking terms with Him.   I really want to rekindle my relationship with Him this coming year.   I want to reinvest my time to be taught, and inspired, daily.

I have learned several things this year:

I have learned to be content.
I have learned to choose my battles with the boys.
I have learned that each day is a new day.  Thank God!
I have learned that acquaintances come and go... but good friends keep showing up, even in the mundane.

My goals for the coming year:   1. Eat out less.   2. have empty squares on my calendar.

balance

I'm sitting in the basement, listening as my boys watch yet another episode of Man Vs. Wild.  We haven't seen it in a while because the boys thought we had watched all of the episodes.  (They were wrong.  I think we have a zillion left.)
Somehow this silly show makes me feel like things are balanced in this house.    It's nice to have a man around. Especially one with a fancy accent.  hah.

Tomorrow is my last day at work before a lengthy Christmas break.  I am excited about some off time.  These past few weeks have been packed!  There's nothing really to show for the packed-ness.... but I know that we've been running ourselves ragged with something each day.
Somehow I've managed to fill up my free days as well... with totally fun things like chaperoning field trips, a day trip to visit friends, and attending school parties.  I think I can manage :)

The boys and I continue on our path of partial normalcy.  Not much drama or chaos.  Some evenings I sit and think about how far we have come. Sure, we've had some disagreements... but nothing compared to the emotional chaos that haunted us for a long time.
I know that things can change drastically when they become teenagers... so I'm counting my blessings this month and praying that things will continue to look up.

ready for christmas?

Turns out that I must only blog when I'm stressed out, sad, or really thoughtful about something.  And evidently.... I am none of the above.

Things have been going rather well lately.  I have no idea what happened to much of the fall.  And I have no idea how December showed up so early.... and how the temperature is so unseasonably warm.

In passing, several people have asked, "are you ready for Christmas?"
My response has been "sure?"  
I've bought two gifts and somehow I think I'm pretty ready.
Lucas set up, and decorated, our Christmas tree several days before Thanksgiving.   Fortunately the tree is in the basement and I've actually only seen it a few times since it appeared.   The decorations are meager at my house this year.  I think, somehow, I have fewer and fewer as the years pass. 
(I suppose I'm gearing up for the days when I have a zillion cats and a little table top tree.)
I did manage to put Christmas lights in my windows only to realize that the bulbs were dead.

Last night I ordered an inflatable Hippo for my front yard!  I've always wanted a Hippopotamus for Christmas!    And I'm sure that the neighbors will be inspired by my completely random Christmas cheer.

It seems that the rest of civilization has an elf on their shelf.  I'm super concerned about this new fad.  And slightly annoyed. 
If so many elves are hanging out in people's homes.... who the heck is making the toys at the North Pole? 

stupid calendars

Before Thayer died I was a calendar fanatic.  I lived and breathed through my planning, my marking and filling every calendar square.  I was a plan-a-holic.

As I think I've shared before... in August of 2008, I was beyond thrilled to receive a leather organizer/calendar while attending my first PTO meeting at the elementary school.
I remember coming home and transferring a zillion activities from my wall calendar to my new organizer, and cross referencing everything with my pocket calender.   I worked for a long time and I clearly remember Thayer speaking in an exasperated tone about how I 'plan too much'. 
He thought I was nuts. 
I thought I was genius.

and by the end of the week.... MY plans failed.
Thayer died that weekend and I tossed my pocket calendar and my new organizer straight into the trashcan.     He was right.  I planned too much.   And I learned how quickly our plans can be smashed.

( I did keep my kitchen calendar because there was no way that I would remember anything!)

I've managed fine for over four years.  one calendar. 

I broke down the other day and purchased a pocket calendar simply because I would be attending a few meetings that needed some commitments to various dates.  I wanted to be able to volunteer on the spot, and not have to wait to look at my wall calendar.
I've actually resented having to write activities on the small calendar.... but I realize that it will be helpful, to a point.

anywho.
Interesting thing.  I attended a PTO meeting last night and the principal handed out the same freakin' organizer/calendar binders as in previous years (ie. 2008).  She had forgotten to hand them out earlier this fall. 
I quickly turned down the gift.
sigh.

I may have caved and bought that pocket calendar... but I'm considering throwing it away.  I do not want to fall into the same pattern again. 
I keep hearing Thayer say, "you plan too much".

Now don't get me wrong!   I consider myself very organized.  I have things, well... everything, written on my wall calendar.     I do make plans.   I plan for birthday parties, holiday parties, social events.  I have learned to look forward to things.    But over the past four years, I have learned not to plan too far ahead.   usually a month or so at a time.

I'm realizing more and more that I should leave the planning up to God.  Because apparently He's supposed to have good plans for me.
Just waiting.

Jeremiah 29:11.

fast fall

We made it through October.  We traveled, we cabin-ed, we mazed, we partied, and we Halloweened.

Our 12th annual pumpkin party happened this year with my family and neighbors.  The lighter crowd was enjoyable and I suppose that we'll aim for number 13 next year.

The boys enjoyed their second year of trick-or-treating on their own, with friends, in the neighborhood.
Someone please explain why neighborhoods are no longer considered safe options for trick-or-treating?  
A voice on the radio had the gall to promote the church events of 'trunk or treat'.... claiming that they were the "safe alternatives".     
I'm pretty sure that no one was killed or maimed on my block this year.   And come to think of it.... I'm pretty sure that no one has been given poisoned candy either.  
Don't get me wrong. I'm sure that the church events are a lot of fun for kids who can't walk from door to door.  But as long as my kids are of trick-or-treating age, and if they have feet... they are gonna hit the pavement if they want candy.

A few days ago, I had to follow through on a consequence, and I threw all of Lucas' candy in the trash.  He was furious.   But looking back, I think it was one of the finest moments of my parenting.
And the days that have followed have been nothing short of heavenly in our home.  Both boys have great attitudes, they have been helpful and our environment has been very pleasant.  Throwing that candy out has been such a positive thing.   Weird how that worked....

November has come and the time change has been interesting.  Both boys put themselves to bed at 7:30 tonight.   If only we could stay on such a schedule.

I am SO looking forward to a day off from work on Tuesday, for voting.   And I am even more excited about the end of the stupid political calls.  I have been refusing to answer the phone.  Daniel has put himself in charge of the calls... and even answers the political polls.  Imagine if our future was determined by 12 year olds!  (that might actually be a good idea!)

Here's hoping for a fresh new month ahead.   I suppose the countdown to thanksgiving and Christmas has started.

to grandmother's house we go

Road trips are good for my soul. 
After a very challenging week, the boys and I hit the road for over five hours, in anticipation of celebrating the boys' great-grandmother's 90th birthday. 

The drive was marvelous.   I took the easy road and brought along red box movies and audio books.  The boys watched movies the majority of the time and I basked in the silence of the front seat.    I sang to myself, thought, prayed.   I even managed to day dream about making a cross country drive and I started mentally planning a trip to Africa for 2017. 

After settling in at our destination, Granny and I reminisced about what she called "the good old days".... meaning to me...back when both of our husbands were living.
Thayer and I would bring the kids over to dinner once a week or so.  I reminded her about her homemade bread and their generous garden.   
She was tickled when I reminded her that our 'coffee table' is the chest that her husband built to ship their belongs via train... long ago.

90 years.  What a lifetime.  What a story.

The celebration took place on Sunday.  And the most fascinating observation that I made.... was how grown up Daniel became this weekend!!
He was greeting folks at the door and mingling with the crowd!  I stood back in awe of his social charm.    I even caught him arranging cups as people were getting ready to serve drinks!   I was so proud of his demeanor!!

Both boys were kind to their Granny and were happy to give her hugs.

 

I was super proud that Lucas gave hugs, took pictures and even wore a collared shirt for the occasion. (with some extra insistence that he leave it on for the duration of the party).
He had a really nice weekend!

Overall.... a very refreshing weekend!  I think that we desperately needed this little get-away.
Road trips are good for my soul.

head underwater

My motivation is draining.   Not that I had much to begin with... but I've had several rough moments with Lucas lately and I'm simply tempted to pack my bags and leave.    I'm at a loss at how to restore order to a home that has been run inconsistently for such a long time.  And I am becoming exhausted with the characteristics that my children have developed.   Something needs to change and I need to set strict boundaries for all of us.   slowly but surely.

I've recently made it through both of the boys' birthdays.   We stayed busy with friends and parties but I still found myself feeling depressed over the past few weeks.  Birthdays are always hard for me... because Thayer should be here for remembering their births.  It's hard to think about all of the years he has not been present to celebrate with his boys.  and all the years I've been doing this alone.

I painted the boys' rooms and gave them loft beds for their birthdays. But during the process, my bedroom became the drop zone for all of the extra crap.  And as in the past... my environment is starting to drown me.   I'm waiting for the motivation to swim my way out.

thinning

I read.  Occassionally.  So to say that I've been absorbing a book for the last month is a big deal.  I was instructed to read The Yearling written by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings.   Well... not personally instructed... but for the past few years, Andrew Peterson has been pushing this book....and even refers to it on his new album.   And you guys know that if Andrew Peterson suggests something, or sings about something... it must be examined.

Anywho.  I picked up the book at the library and was a bit intimidated by the 509 pages, and the words 'complete and unabridged text'.
(The last time I read 500 pages was with the Twilight series!  And I wasn't sure that a boy and a deer could keep my attention as well as blood thirsty vampires.)

Turns out that the book was fascinating.  It was a very easy read and I was easily transported into the story of poor country folk in Florida.   All in all a good read.
But be aware... I read the last sentence, closed the book and said outloud, "wow. That was depressing."

Without giving spoilers, I must say that I was drawn in to several scenes.   One particular passage caught my attention and has stayed with me over the past few weeks.  She writes:

He listened gravely, nodding his head from time to time.  He was a small staunch rock against which their grief might beat.  When they finished and fell quiet, he talked of his own losses.  It was a reiminder that no man was spared.  What all had borne, each could bear.  He shared their sorrow, and they became a part of his, and the sharing spread their grief a little, by thinning it.

I love the thought of 'thinning' grief.  By knowing that others can relate, that they share your sorrow.   I have said it many times before that I have been very blessed in knowing my 'widow friends'.  Several us have been counting the years together and it has been interesting to see how each of us have moved through the muck.
I've shared several conversations this week that remind me how richly blessed my journey has been while being surrounded by these ladies.    Our sharing has spread my grief a little... by thinning it... and I am thankful.

and so it continues

I find it hard to believe that even after four years...

I sat in church today and wondered:

"I wonder if this is just a really long dream.  What if I wake up tomorrow and Thayer is here?  Would I remember this being a dream?  
Would time have passed since I last saw Thayer, and would that make me appreciate him more?  Or would I wake up with no memory of his absence? 
It's possible that God could do that.  You know... make a  new day tomorrow... where Thayer is here.  But I suppose that God would have to erase my memory of the last four years.  
God would have to replace my memory with things that happened if Thayer had been here for the last four years. 
Or... He would have me wake up four years ago, as if time hasn't passed.  Daniel and Lucas would be little again.   No one else would know that I had this dream.  Maybe I wouldn't even remember it.  We'd be just a normal family again.  I wonder how we would turn out?"

I used to daydream about God changing his mind about it all and calling a Mulligan.  I knew He could if He wanted to.
But... four years later... I'm pretty sure that this situation is permanent.

Interestingly enough.  Tonight while Lucas was straightening his room I saw that he was gazing at a picture of himself and Thayer.   I said "Are you looking at your handsome daddy?"  And he said, "yes... I wish that he were still here."

I guess the wishing never gets old.

un-trip update...

Just a quick, and very thankful, update on my
 "Un-trip" fundraiser from July:

I am very excited to report that a community of family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers contributed a total of $2,535 for the Ugandan widows!!

This amount well exceeded my goal of $2000 and I am thrilled!

The amount raised should cover the salary of a director for the Widow's ministry for ONE YEAR... as well as pay for her transportation!   This is awesome!

Thanks so much for supporting my endeavors and most importantly for supporting the Ugandan widows!

James 1:27
Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Matthew 25:40
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

on my own

I think I'm becoming a bit of a hermit these days.   On the way to a Junior High Cookout at church... where we were supposed to hang out and "meet other families".
 I thought to myself,
"I don't want to meet any more people.  I can hardly keep up with the friends that I have!"
 (yikes that sounds so selfish)
  Luckily, I already knew most of the people there so I wasn't forced to be friendly to strangers.  whew.

This morning, my kids left town for the second weekend in a row.  Last weekend they went to Comfort Zone Camp and this weekend they are water skiing and camping with a dude from church.

Last weekend I made a point to go and visit several out of town friends.
This weekend I failed to make any plans but I think it has been wonderful!!

 I wrote a zillion thank you notes, paid bills, took my recycling, went to the post office and the library (which was closed for the holiday. go figure.) and watched a Jesse Stone movie from the Redbox.
 (Someone PLEASE tell me that you like Jesse Stone flicks as much as me?!)   I love those movies!!
I registered packets of book incentive thingys for the elementary school teachers, I went to Target and then ended my night with pizza and the movie Blue Like Jazz. (which I really enjoyed).
Productive, yet at the same time- a very lazy day.

All of that to say that I actually managed an entire day without needing people.  And that is super weird for me.  I usually thrive on being around people.  But I think I could get used to having days to myself.  It has been SO quiet!

Also while enjoying my second kid-free weekend, I realized that people who share custody with an ex-spouse get these kinda days on a regular basis! 
How nice.  I can only imagine how that would be.
(yes, I know that my family kid-sits for me often... but that's not the same concept.)
I'm sure that my widow friends know what I mean.   I'm honestly not sure how we have adapted to the solo parent gig.  We're far from perfect... but we've gotten used to it, i suppose.
It makes me really appreciate days like today.

in the Zone

My kids have another weekend at Comfort Zone Camp under their belt.  I think this was camp number four.   Each year, while we are driving home from the weekend, or unpacking the car, the kids will say "when can we sign up for next year?"  They are READY to go back.

This past year, Lucas must have asked me two or three times each month about how many more months, or weeks, until camp.   He waited all year to go back to his favorite camp location that has a lake, so that he could canoe and kayak.  For the last few weeks that was all that he could talk about.   
I dropped the boys off at camp on Thursday afternoon and they were thrilled to see that the lake had a big pillow trampoline thing in it.  They were SO excited.

I left them with their excitement and went to visit some friends for the weekend.  (yay me!)
On Saturday morning I woke up to RAIN.  ALL day RAIN.   I prayed that the boys would have been able to hit the lake on Friday.... but nope.   They didn't hit the lake at all.  Saturday was supposed to be the lake day.... and it RAINED.   Both boys were bummed out about that when I picked them up.
Lucas was quick to note that he would have to wait another YEAR!  
If anything, this weekend reinforced how life is full of unexpected disappointments.

But overall, it seemed like they had a great weekend. 
(Except for Lucas saying "that was the worst weekend ever because we didn't get to go to the lake".)    hah.

Each year, the Comfort Zone staff matches each camper (little buddy) with an adult (big buddy).   And each year, my boys have been matched really well with their big buddy.   I could go on and on about how thankful I am for the many volunteers who make these camps happen.  Each big buddy donates their time.... their entire weekend.... to hang out with some strange kid.     As a parent, I consider this a huge blessing.  
This year Lucas has announced that he was paired with the "Best Big ever." 
The reason??  Simply because his big buddy didn't go and hang out with other people.  Lucas noted that his big buddy stayed with him the entire weekend.   And he was glad to have that personal attention.

I was tickled when Lucas mentioned this because his big buddy indicated that Lucas kept wandering off.
 haha
It's interesting how the two perceived the weekend.

Upon checking them out, Daniel went on and on and on about the amazing "Zone Games" that occurred on Friday.
He says that "it was like a field day x 20".   
He went into details about all of the teams, the festiveness and the games. Both boys really enjoyed the Zone Games and were able to tell me about the games in which they were competitors.

As for grief work...
Turns out that neither of my boys shared their stories or talked about their Dad this weekend.  In the past, they have shared a bit more... but this year, they both said that they didn't really have anything to talk about.   
So... we may wonder, "why send them to a camp for grieving kids if they don't even want to talk about their Dad?"
I say that it's because I want them to be a part of a community who 'gets it'. 
I want them to hear other stories that they can relate to, atleast in some small way. 
I want them to notice what grief looks like at different ages and stages throughout their pre-teen and teenage years.   
The counselors say that grief looks different to kids at different ages. 
I want my boys to be able to internalize some of that and realize that they will struggle with different aspects of their Dad's absence through the many milestones that lie ahead. 
I know that these camps are good for them.  :-)

Both boys have declared that they would like to be Big Buddies down the road.    Who knows what the future may hold for them or how they will be able to help children, just like them, in the future?
My heart swells.

Can't wait till next year.

breakfast

This past week we were fortunate to have breakfast connoisseurs stay at our house.   
Being the great chef that I am, they were able to fix themselves cereal most days.... and I rocked out some Eggo waffles one day to show them that I can work a toaster.  

On their last day in town (and the death anniversary), Norbert had planned that we would go out to eat for breakfast.     (He pronounced himself to be a breakfast snob).... so I felt the need to ask my Facebook friends to recommend their local favorite.  
Several people mentioned chain restaurants... but apparently breakfast connoisseurs like to eat local.   And honestly, there aren't many home grown type places.   
One third of those surveyed recommended the Market at Main. 
Somehow the Koffee Kup also was up for debate via the connoisseur himself.   
Market at Main was the pick, I think simply because we heard that the Koffee Kup only takes cash.  (can someone confirm this, please?)

So... we 'get downtown' and hit the Market at Main.

Here is the official review from the connoisseurs, and my family too......

First impression upon entering the restaurant:
 "Hmm.  This place is nice and rustic.  I like the ambiance."

While waiting a bit longer than expected for the food to arrive:
"Good things come to those who wait.......... I guess."

Impression of the food itself:

Kids say--
D:  "Best bacon egg and cheese biscuit, ever."
L:  "Second best pancakes I've ever had."   (and what's the first?)  "McDonalds".
V:  "Best pancakes ever."

adults say--
Y: "very delicious"
B: "Corn cakes were delicious."
J:  Biscuits and gravy tasted like... biscuits and gravy.
N: "Good breakfast.  Not over the top, but a good breakfast."

So there you have it.  I agree, it was not over the top, but it was breakfast that I didn't have to cook!

 Any other suggestions for their next visit to town??

4 years

Today is the anniversary of Thayer's death.  Four years ago, on the evening of August 16th, our lives changed forever.  
This year, as with the previous years  I was bound and determined to avoid sitting at home and reliving that day in my mind.
Turns out that the memories are unavoidable.  My mind and body started to ache much earlier this week, in anticipation.   

The good news is that Thayer's best friend was in town with his entire family and we were privileged to give them a place to sleep and some running water for several days this week.  It was lovely to catch up with them, and I enjoyed sharing little remembrances of Thayer with people who knew him well.  I'm looking forward to seeing more of their fun family now that their two oldest boys are attending school in town.
 
Today, after a yummy breakfast out with our friends, the boys and I headed to the lake to meet some of my family.    I had planned for a day at the lake as this year's distraction of the day.  It was a beautiful day and we enjoyed the sun and water.   My Dad brought along balloons that my boys, and my niece and nephew, released in honor of Thayer.   
All in all, a great day. 

I was thankful for various friends and family who acknowledged this day and made a phone call, sent messages, and snail mail.   The sentiments are very much welcomed and I appreciate the thoughtfulness.    We are fortunate to have support and people to share in our milestones.
 

In all honesty,  I don't forsee that I will stay up late and wallow in grief of bad memories.    I have little flashbacks of that evening and get knots in my stomach when I remember having to make 'that phone call' to family and friends.   
But for now, I will choose to tuck them away for another day simply because I. am. beat.

goodnight.

the art of distraction

A few days ago I went on a tirade about our house.  I got the feeling that we were living in squalor and I wanted my kids to know of my disgust.   I insisted that they clean their rooms  (enough that they could walk and vacuum a decent amount of floor).  I was ranting and raving and purging things from my room.  
Until one of the boys says, "Mom, you're only acting this way because you have been watching that show!"

Aha!  He was right.  I had been watching WAY too many episodes of Animal Hoarding on Netflix.    Night after night I was watching episodes that documented the lives of people who have lived through trauma, loss and death.   Over time their situations led to an addiction to own, save, control and hoard animals.     It was disturbing and sad to watch.    
And in the back of my head, I keep thinking, "Lord, don't let this happen to me!"

I do not want to own any more cats.  And I'd be happy to get rid of everything in my house... so I think I'm safe for now.

After realizing that I had become too involved, emotionally, in that disturbing show....
And I really need to take my mind off of the sadness in our community....

I've decided to try something NEW this week!!

I'm going to read a book!  It's been ages since I've read.   I seem to go through spurts.
I picked up a book from the library.    
 I've realized that all of the names and places are based in India.(I think)  And it seems to be on a much higher reading level than I'm used to.   
I feel like a moron.  I've read and read and read... and I'm on page 48.     The jury is still out on if I even understand what I'm reading!!
I suppose I should stick with titles such as Skippyjon Jones.
I'm hoping I can get my mind sharp in time for preschool to start in a few weeks...