my confession

I have a confession to make.  And it has to be made quickly before word gets out that I'm a hypocrite.

Honesty is my forte.  So here goes:

I went to see Magic Mike XXL.

Most of you won't even bat an eye at that.  
But a handful of you.... you know the married friends who I questioned for seeing the first Magic Mike?  Remember those conversations about respecting your husbands, blah, blah, blah?

Well.  I think I still stand by those thoughts.  But I'll be a little less judgy.

First, I must be clear that I had zero interest in seeing this movie until one of my friends mentioned that a scene was filmed where we had vacationed at Myrtle Beach.  I figured that would be neat to see on screen.
So... when one of my single friends suggested that we go see the movie.... I tagged along.

I was hesitant... for fear that I would be uncomfortable.    But I put on my big girl pants and went just for the heck of it.

My review?... it sucked.

As far as movies go it lacked plot, decent acting, and  even basic cinematography.  It seemed low budget and lame.  And I didn't appreciate the foul language.

As some movie go-ers stated.... "we didn't come for a good story or good acting."
 touche.

But the thing is.... Channing Tatum is an excellent actor!   I have enjoyed all of his movies.   I'm pretty sure that if he was filmed reading from the dictionary for two hours  I would have been more entertained.
He was the only thing that carried this film.  (for obvious reasons)... but also due to less than a handful of witty lines and his charm.

The rest of the film was trash.

Here is what threw me for a loop:
I had gone in to the movie expecting to see male dancers shake their stuff on a stage.    I had no idea that the 'dancing' part of this film was solely acrobatics and simulating sexual positions with 'lucky' females pulled from a crowd.
I'm pretty sure I had a pained/ confused expression for most of the movie...because my forehead is still crinkled up.  

This movie was raunchy.


I was impressed with the physique of these guys and their strength.     I can't think of anyone in real life that can move like Channing Tatum.

And it's with that thought that I stick to my 'respect your husband' thing.
If I had seen the movie and then gone home to an average husband, would I not be thinking of how built Tatum is?   Would I not be wanting that kind of treatment at home?  
Would my focus shift, even slightly,  from the man that I chose to love and cherish?  
Just something to think about.

side note:  The whole thing with male dancers.... I don't get it.  
God created men to be stimulated visually.     But women are more emotional creatures.   right?
Sure... it's nice to see a man with a buff torso.... But those banana hammocks..... eww.      

I was more intrigued when he was fully dressed and moving furniture.
swoon.

plans change

I just finished watching a series on Netflix.   You know how some series end with a fast forward?   The last scene usually shows where everyone ended up and it's packaged neatly with a bow?
The show today threw me for a loop, with a two year fast forward.... and I may have shed a few tears over the characters.

Just like life.   Who knows where any of us will be in two years?!  The possibilities are pretty much endless.    We can strive and plan for what we'd like to happen, but in reality everything can change.
I, for one, can testify that life plans can change in an instant.

Just this week I have noticed changes that I would have never anticipated, or planned.
Simple things really.   But simple things could change an entire course.

First of all...  Let me say how effective God can be at changing things in our hearts and minds.
As many of you know I went to Uganda in 2011.   Ever since my return I have had plans to take my boys to experience Africa.   The year has been set.  2017.  I have planned for it.  Talked about it.  Set aside money for it.   My kids have even received some of the shots required to travel abroad.
And then.... just like that.... God said.... "Eh.  That's overrated. Why don't you let your kids experience another culture when they go with the church to Mexico?"

What, God?   I had plans!  They need to go to Africa.  2017.  I've talked about this for years.

Just like that.  Overnight.  (Actually during one of my morning walks).  My long term plan kind of evaporated.  poof.
And ya know what?  I'm okay with it.
Who even knows where we'll be in two years?


This week Lucas and I shared a difficult day together.   It was a challenge for me.  (It brought me back to the days/years following Thayer's death when Lucas was angry and unpredictable).  I didn't have a clue what to do that day.   I had not planned on having such a sucky day.   I had to pull up my bootstraps and do the single parent thing the best I could.  
(I have a great support system who offered to step in and help.  Their encouragement, and listening went a long way.  thank you!)

And you know what?   The next day things were back to normal!  Smooth sailing again.   During that one day of strife I was reminded of how quickly things could change.  In our case it was just a bad day.   Just like Alexander's mom says, "some days are like that, even in Australia."

We can't predict where we'll be in two years.   We can't even state in certainty if we'll be around at the end of the day.      
I can make daily plans that are blocked by a barricaded door.
Or God can change plans that we thought all along were a good idea.

I think the best part of knowing God is in charge... is also knowing that whatever changes occur are for the best.
 Bring it.

If anything, I think I'm learning to be flexible.   To roll with it.
Have no regrets.

again

Another young man lost his life in a motorcycle accident this weekend.   The details of the accident sounded eerily similar to Thayer's.    I was able to put myself in the shoes of his family... because we've been there.  This guy leaves behind two kids too.  

It's a tragedy.  Fatherless kids.

The topic of fathers has been on my mind lately.  

 I don't know what it's like to grow up without a Dad.    My Dad has always been around.   And I can't imagine a childhood without my Dad in the household.

My boys aren't at the point where they talk much about their 'feelings'.... but I know that they must miss a Dad in their lives.     One of my widow friends shared with me that her son, now a teenager, actually expressed that he missed his Dad.      And I'm sure my boys do too.  
So many milestones are upon us.   And the list will continue to grow.  

I've been embarrassing my boys lately with talks about puberty and their changing bodies.   I talk about weird stuff and we all laugh about it.     But really....How odd it must be for them to have their Mom at the helm of puberty talks.  
It's just our reality and we roll with it.

I'm watching a show on Netflix that is dealing with some deep stuff within a blended type family.   I thought the show revolved around a foster kid who was reunited with her birth parents.... but in actuality, the show is revealing the reality of most families.   People have Daddy issues. People have Mommy issues.  There is rejection, loneliness, regret.   And everyone has the need to feel wanted and  loved.

I'm sure that these fatherless kids will have so many feelings to dig through as they get older.   And the damage is clearly a lifelong struggle.
But in the end I hope that my boys feel loved.   Really loved.

that time I threw my phone in a pool

Hours before, or maybe minutes before, I had admitted how I felt addicted to my phone.   Over the past few weeks while my boys were preoccupied... I found myself, with phone in hand, habitually checking Facebook and email, Facebook and email, Facebook and email.

Then as if ordained by God I stood up poolside, picked up my towel and slung that phone into the pool.   It was a fairly humorous accident.  As I stood in horror and disbelief it sunk to the bottom and I hesitated before I clumsily jumped in to rescue.
Since my pool host and myself are less than stellar chefs, there was no rice available for the immediate first aid.
I drove home and hit up The Neighbours for a bag of brown rice.   I covered the phone and set it aside for 3 days.
That's right, folks.   Almost 72 hours without my cell phone.

And my conclusion:
IT WAS AWESOME!!

That pool drowning was the best thing that could have happened to me on that hot Saturday.   It was as if the clouds had parted and my vision was clear again!
I know that sounds so dramatic.   But is WAS!

I instantly noticed how I was present in my life again.   There was no phone in the car, no phone at a red light, no phone at dinner, no phone during family talks, no phone while I was hanging out with friends.     There were no dings, no notifications, no blinking lights to distract me from the moment I was in.
It was like I was living "old school" again.    It felt good.

For three days I waited to see if the rice would work and wondered if I really wanted that ball and chain back.
A little soul searching revealed that I am the master of my domain.  I can regain control of this situation and reclaim a non distracted lifestyle.  
I had a taste of freedom and I liked it.

Earlier today I shook off the rice, assembled the phone.... and it worked!  whew!
I immediately uninstalled Facebook and Messenger.
I reset my notification settings for text messaging and email.

Bam!  Just like that... I turned that puppy back into a basic phone.  
Just like I wanted all along.
You can call me, leave a message... because I'm busy.  with living.

38

I turned 38 this month.   It was a milestone for me.
For the past several years I had anticipated 38 to be a rough birthday.

Thayer died three days before his 38th birthday.

My birthday came and went.... and was actually one of the best birthday weeks I've had.

Two days before my 38th birthday I realized that I have lived longer than Thayer.  
The thought was not nearly as emotional and sad as I had anticipated.
There is a bit of pride in making it 38 years.   I somehow wonder if I'm nearly as mature as Thayer seemed to be in his last days?   Have I surpassed him in any way?


Thayer was always the one I counted on to take care of our family and make the decisions.   He always seemed knowledgeable and wise about stuff.   Mostly because he was seven years older than me and had learned a lot of life lessons.
I learned much from him.
And now I'm older.  

It's just odd.

Thayer had grown up in the midst of many trials, and yet my biggest trial was his death.   Thayer was never able to see me grow and mature through the trials of life.  

The first few years after his death, when confronted with life stuff, I could still hear his advice.... his common sense.   I knew what he would say in certain situations.  I based many of my decisions on his silent voice.
Well... that was until I was tired of having imaginary conversations with a dead husband, and would often say outloud, "Well... you're not here!"....
and I learned to be rather independent.  :)

But now... even if I search for his silent voice I rarely hear him.  I don't have a clue how he would handle teenagers, what he would do in certain situations, or what our family would be like.
How would he make decisions as a 44 year old?
Looks like it's up to me at this point.

I've always been sad that we couldn't grow old together.   And it's a bit depressing as I continue to age, and he remains the same...  Frozen in pictures and in our minds.  Always 37.

The rest of us continue to age, grow, mature.   I am very thankful for that opportunity.   I am thankful for the time with my boys, my family and friends.  
Each day is a truly a gift.  
I am hopeful that my 39th year will be the best yet!

whatev

Week 2 of kids being out of school.
Last week I posted this list on my fridge:

It's not going so well.

Daniel never reads... because he doesn't want screen time.... (except late at night to watch a movie).   Daniel is outside ALL day....
but now Lucas is starting to catch on that I'm not consistent with Daniel and the list.

Daniel seems to understand my ideal summer would include locking them outside and telling them to be home in time for dinner.  He's getting pretty good at this concept.

Lucas on the other hand manages to wake up early and complete most of this list before I'm even out of the shower... so that he can start the video games.  The first three days of  "creative" outdoor activities included these winners:
(Clearly I'm very patient)

Day 1

Day 2.  

Day 3

Then there's me.
I have spent the last two days binge watching Chasing Life on Netflix.   Clearly not setting an example for these boys.

But I have to remind myself that it's summer!    I think we all deserve some days to CHILL!

We are coming up on days and weeks that are filled with activities.    I'm hoping that the screen time dilemna will fix itself as we are out and about this summer.  
Our spontaneous camping trips and lake trips should help a lot.

I thought about implementing time restrictions, or certain times of day that I would allow the screens. (You know... Actually being a parent and having rules)
But my reality says that every day this summer will be different for us and it would be nearly impossible to stay consistent.
We'll see what shakes out.

sandwiches

Okay.  I want to weigh in on the recent news about a cafeteria woman being fired after she fed lunches to kids who didn't have money for lunch.   (I didn't read extensively.... so I'm just going off of one article.)

I tried to explain my position to my mom earlier today... and failed drastically.   So let me see if I can clarify.  Forgive me if I still don't make any sense.

To my understanding, the school policy, in that particular school is that if kids don't qualify for free or reduced lunch, and if they don't have lunch money.... the school provides them with a cheese sandwich and milk.  
The cafeteria worker had deemed that this was not sufficient, and proceeded to serve the full lunch to "crying" kids.

I'm all for kids eating. Especially crying kids.  Really I am.   But I'm also a fan of policies that help prevent people from taking advantage of the system.

My family does not qualify for the free or reduced lunch program.
 I send check after check to school each month for my kids to put in their "lunch accounts".   My kids seem to peel through this money... and I haven't been a real stickler this year to see how many 'extras' they are buying..... like special drinks or desserts.
I'm a parent who gets reminder emails when their accounts get low.   The emails usually show up when their balances are 8 or 9 dollars.
I will admit that I have been slack about reading the emails these past few weeks.  I figured that the kids would remind me when they got a verbal warning from the lunch lady.

It just so happened that earlier this week Lucas came home and said that his account was empty.    He proceeded to tell me that he had to give back the full lunch and was given..... surprise!...... a cheese sandwich and a cup for water.
 It was no surprise to him.....No money = No lunch.    He was fine.
I was thankful that they fed him!  Seriously.   I had forgotten to send money, and yet they still provided food.... Free of charge!

I've never witnessed any child die of starvation after eating cheese and bread for lunch.  I'm thankful that he lived to tell me about it.

Call me heartless.   But I am glad that there are policies in place to remind parents, like myself, to send in the dang lunch money!
If the polices of cheese sandwiches didn't exist.... why in the world would any of us, that are able, EVER send in money?  What would be the point to be responsible for feeding our own kids?   It would be free lunch for everyone, all of the time.   (Which wouldn't be so bad, eh?)

I have a feeling that the fired lunch lady wasn't fired on one account of feeding kids.  I have a feeling that she probably fed the same kids over and over.   Which reinforced to the slacker parents that they didn't need to pay.
See the cycle?

A cheese sandwich would have sufficed.
 It's much more than other kids, all over the planet, get for lunch.
Our American entitlement irks me.     And I fear that we are raising a generation of entitled kids.

I think we could all have a lesson in gratitude.... for our country, our resources, and plans in place that provide food to kids.   Even cheese sandwiches.

I would love to see  more kids, including mine say, "thanks for the sandwich."

wanna be housewife

disclaimer:  another obnoxious post about not working.



The snobbery of it.   I couldn't believe my own thoughts!
Yesterday morning, I sat on my "new" patio, Bible in hand, looking out into my yard, listening to the birds chirp, admiring the sunlight......  I took a deep breath, let out a long exhale, and thought to myself, "I am destined to be a housewife."

What?!
My inner being screamed it out, though I'm pretty sure that society would shun me for such a thought.

I would rock being a housewife.
Yesterday was my first full taste of sending the kids off to school and then doing stuff.   I was super productive.   I took a morning walk and ran several errands.  
God was pouring his blessings onto me and I thanked him as I noticed that there was NO line at the post office, NO line at Wal-mart.   Things were going swimmingly well....
until...
 I managed to lock my keys AND my phone in the car.     (Such a humbling moment when you have to ask the clerk at the store if she has a phone you can borrow).   Thankfully Awesome Lisa came to my rescue and I continued my day with shopping and lunch with friends.
Today has been much of the same, except I didn't lock myself out of the car.   That's a bonus.

I have had the time to walk many miles over the past few days and I hope this is a reflection of how my summer will be.    This is my summer to drop the last of my weight.   This is the summer I take time to walk, get exercise, and take care of myself.
Or.... as the neighbor kid would say, "get a sexy body".
I'm feeling healthier and MUCH more energetic.

Imagine how well I could keep up this routine if I were a housewife?!    After the daily exercise, I could run errands, cook, clean, do laundry.  It would be excellent!

I don't need to marry for money.  (though I often joke about finding my 'sugar daddy')   I just need to marry someone who is content to live primarily on one income.
 Thayer and i managed.... and I know that there is some lucky man out there, maybe with some school aged kids who would love to have the mom at home to take care of them after school and during the summer.
Or heck... someone with older teenagers who need vague supervision like my own.
I'd also love the opportunity to volunteer around the community.   I've always thought that it would be fun to help out at the hospital.

I'm currently taking applications for the Mr.

In the meantime I think I'll perfect the housewife gig this summer.    Practice makes perfect!

goodbye friends

This is the time of year when I frolic in joy and excitement about a fun summer, in which I don't work.
This is the post in which everyone with a 'real' job hates me.
I write about how I only have two more days of work, how I have great plans for the summer,  and how I will have the ability to adjust my sleep schedule from 1am-9am.

For all of those above reasons, I am stoked.

But in a rare turn of events, I'm actually sad to see the end of preschool this week!
(I know, I know.... Did Jill just grow a heart?!)

Now, before I continue, let me make it clear that all of my previous classes have been lovely.   Over the past 8 years, I have met some amazing kids.   Many have made me laugh.   Many have challenged me.  Many have tugged at my heart.
But also over the past eight years there have been those kids in our classroom.  Let's just say that every class has been unique.

Every year I look back and see how I, myself, have changed as I work with kids.
I am aware that the year Thayer died, and probably a few years following.... I was not the best I could be.   I'd hope to think that my clarity and attitude have evolved over the past few years.
(I'm not sure that my lead teacher, Elaine, would agree!)  ;)
I do notice that as my own kids get older, I have gained the ability to look at the 5 year-olds and appreciate their precious hearts and their innocence.   (...they will grow so fast)

Anywho.
Back to THIS year.
 This year!  It has been a blessing.    This class, in particular, has captured my heart and melted it...just a little.
Teachers aren't supposed to have 'favorites'.... (even though all teachers do).   And I can honestly say that this class is full of my 'favorites'!
My favorite kids, my favorite families.   They have all been so amazing.   I am sad to see them move on.
In some cases, preschool families have been around for several years, and Elaine and I have had the privilege to teach sets of siblings.     It's always a bit sad to see families go.
But such is the business of preschool.    We socialize and equip these kids for Kindergarten and send them off with smiles.

This year, I'll smile.   I'll smile for many reasons.  It's also possible that some of my melted heart might leak out of my eye during our little graduation ceremony.
I love these kids.  I'm gonna miss them.

best day ever

I have to say that today was probably the best Mother's Day of my mothering years.
We had plans to go hiking so we packed our lunch bag and started getting ready for the day.

The boys honored my mother's day wish by giving me a new picnic blanket.... just like I had requested.   I think this is the first year that they have gifted on their own accord.    I am proud.
And... I am officially old.  (please give me a picnic blanket. geez)

Our original hiking companions were unable to come today, so we headed across town to get another boy, from another mother.  (I was privileged to sneak Matthew away from his own mother for many hours today.  Thanks, Trena!)
We had a special breakfast at Bojangles.   (only special because my kids would never have agreed to Bojangles on a normal day!)

We hit the road and headed toward Mt. Pleasant for a day of hiking.   I was a pretty rad mom, maneuvering up a bumpy dirt road all on my own.   I remember when Thayer first took me to Cold Mountain, on the same road... and I was so intimidated by the ruts and bumps.  I thought he was so bad ass.... getting us to the hiking location.   This time I was driving like a boss!  ha.
More proof that I might actually be an adult!  ack!

We arrived at the trail head at noon.    My boys have camped on Mt. Pleasant, twice, so they knew what to expect and where to go.
I love having teen boys!

My big accomplishment on the hike was that I peed in the woods!!   Go Jill!     I was quite pleased that I remembered how.    And I recalled the first time I peed in the woods, back when I was dating Thayer.   I think it was my sister-in-law who had to teach me.    I squated like a pro today.  :)
To my horror, as I continued along the path.... the boys pointed out that my choice squatting location was in clear view of the looping trail!  Thank goodness there were no other hikers in the vicinity.     I can only imagine their horror!

We hiked to the summit and had our lunch.   The boys enjoyed showing me where they had camped on their previous visits.   I was quite impressed at the secludedness and wildness of it all.
I'm 100% sure that I won't be camping there. ever.  
I have no idea how they managed to carry their gear up on their previous adventures.   It was tiring!

I noticed something about myself today.
 I'm pretty sure that a year ago, at this time, I wouldn't have even considered such a hike.   I was at my heavist weight and I probably would have died.   I still have a long way to go on my weightloss journey... but my routine of walking everyday has shown that I'm in good enough shape to hike! This is such a relief.  I'm glad that I will be able to participate in these activities with my boys.  I want this to be a summer of adventure for us!  I am glad that I can be active with them.   This is great motivation to keep getting in shape.

I calculated that we hiked about 6.5 miles this afternoon.   Our excursion on the mountain took about 3.5 hours.
Including breakfast and travel time I was able to spend a whopping 7 hours of uniterrupted time with the kids.   I had a blast!!

After returning home, we showered and ordered pizza delivery!  (which I never order delivery!  this MUST be a special day!)   We watched a documentary about the Lemurs of Madagascar.... AND I still had time to download these pictures and blog!

I couldn't have asked for a better day!
I'm a blessed Mom indeed.

share the podcast. spread the word.

Here it is.  
Some of you may know the history of Thayer's family.  And some of you may not.
Thayer's childhood was far from ordinary.
His mother was murdered when he was five years old.   And his father has been in prison since 1975, convicted of killing his wife, a neighbor and her two small boys.

When Thayer was alive, I was relatively silent about his family history because it wasn't my story to tell.    I remember that he waited and only shared details with friends, once he had established trusting relationships.
As time went on, Thayer started researching his father's case and realized that there was MUCH more to the story.  

Over the past several years, Thayer's brother, Thad, has been heavily researching the case and has put countless hours trying to answer the many questions he has about his father's conviction and the circumstances surrounding his mother's murder.

This is close to my heart, obviously, because we're talking about my boys' Grandmother....who they will never have the privilege to know,  And their Grandfather who they have only seen behind razor wire.

Thayer would be extremely proud of Thad for pressing on and searching for answers, the truth,whatever can be concluded.

http://junctionpodcast.com/podcast/

And with all of this said, I am extremely excited to announce that a storyteller named Blake Higgins has also developed a passion for the case and he has produced a podcast titled Junction.


It is high time that this story is told!   And heard!  


I strongly urge you to listen here.

I have listened twice... because these are my people.
I have cried twice... because it hits close to home.
You should listen because it's fascinating.  I promise!

Please peruse the Junction website and stay connected.

You can also follow Junction on Facebook

And please, please consider donating to help fund future Junction podcasts.  This story needs to be told!   Blake has done an amazing job with the first installment.  Truly amazing.   He needs our help to continue.
Please visit the "Help Out" page on the website for specific ways you can be involved.

I am over the moon that this story is being shared, in this fashion.   I feel that this podcast has ability to reach a gazillion people, the right people.... as long as we share it with others.
Please listen, talk about it at the water cooler, chat about it over lunch.  Spread the word.

thanks :)

possibilities

Wow. Where have I been?
I've had so many things that I wanted to write about.    Maybe one day I'll catch everyone up on my thoughts about work, "Dessert with Dads" at preschool, my unnecessary stalkerish crushes, the conference that I went to, the new guitar teacher, and the Captain America motorcycle dude.

But today.  A beautiful Easter day.   A great day for a road trip.

Our friend from Ruckersville came to visit on Thursday and left his baseball glove in our backyard.   I could have mailed it to him.   But the thought of packaging and dealing with the post office was such a depressing thought.
It was much more reasonable, and easier, for us to hand deliver.
After lunch we hit the road.    The boys watched a movie from Redbox while I rekindled my lyrical relationship with Andrew Peterson.    The drive was perfect and the music felt so much like 'home'.

We made a pit stop at one of those trampoline places and the kids jumped for 30 minutes and then we continued on our journey.
The glove was delivered and a 20 minute chat with our friends.  (Which was basically just me rattling off everything in my head).   And then we headed home.

I LOVE road trips.  I really can't state that enough.    I feel that when I'm on the road, that the possibilities are endless.   If the boys and I had packed bags, (and if we didn't have another road trip planned for tomorrow! yay!).... I think I would have kept driving.    I really long for that type of adventure. I love seeing the open road in front of me.

I focused on the trees today.  I strained my eyes a few times trying to figure out if the branches were budding leaves.    The trees are right on the edge of exploding with green.   So much possibility in those little buds.   Such a great time of transition.

I recalled how I felt a few months ago. Stuck, with no goals.
But God has a perfect way of flipping things.
Just this week... I feel like I've got the whole world at my fingertips.  The change in season has really perked me up.      Perhaps, like the trees, I am getting ready to enter a new season!
I imagine myself happy, fulfilled, and I even thought about what it would be like to be in love again.  How exciting that would be.    :)

I'm looking forward to...

soft

Mr. Q joined our family in January of 2000 after a pregnancy hormone induced announcement that I "had no friends".   Thayer left the house and came back with a cat.
And then I cried about how inconvenient an animal would be.  
(poor Thayer)

For 15 years I have managed to keep that cat fairly trained.   He is basically a dog in cat's clothing.
I've maintained a strict rule that no animals are allowed on the couches.... unless they are in a lap or on a blanket.   And absolutely no animals in my bed.  ever.
 Mr. Q is smart about these things.  
The Blueberry cat is not.   She needs reminders about the couches.  (and thankfully she's never even thought about touching my bed.)

Something has recently changed.
I've become soft.

Poor old Mr. Q is ancient and frail.    Over the past few months, I have had many thoughts of  "he won't be with us much longer.   It won't hurt if he sits on the couch.  I'll deal with it."
(also keeping in mind that I'm getting new furniture when the cats are gone)  :)
He's skinny and pathetic at times.

One morning I walked by and saw him on my bed.   I had a passing thought of "let him be" and I did.
About ten minutes later I walked by and he had puked ALL over my duvet and feathers.
Of course he did.   Argh.

I vowed at that moment to upkeep the rule in play.  No cats on my bed.  ever.

But... a few days later, he was back again.   And instead of reprimanding, I left him there.
And yesterday too.
As I walk by his eyes get big, expecting discipline.... but then he settles down as if to mock me.

The cats know I've gone soft.
They have taken over the couches in the living room.   It is so disgusting.   It goes against every fiber in my being.    

As I sit here typing... this just happened... right in front of me.
A mess.

My dream couches are worn leather.
In time, my friends   In time.

limbo

The boys and I are coming away from SIX snow days off from school and one two hour delay.  
It's been fabulous.  Really fabulous.
Everything came to a STOP and there was no agenda.
It was a great taste of what summer may, or could, be about.   (How many days till summer break?)

We're back in business tomorrow.    Fun things ahead this week.
And the hint of another snowfall on Wednesday night makes me smile.

I've been thinking about Thayer this week.   A few events and conversations have brought him to mind, more than usual.   It's been bittersweet.    Good memories.  Yet still in disbelief that this year will mark seven years without him.    That's wild.  

I watched Cast Away with the boys the other night.   I'm pretty sure that Thayer and I had watched it together- way back when.   And I probably haven't seen it since then.    I knew the storyline and yet I cried through most of the ending.
 Really cried.
I felt especially torn when Tom Hanks' character returned home from the island after being gone for over four years.   His fiance and friends had "buried" him.... thought he was dead..... and moved forward.
 In only four years his fiance had been married and had a child.   She had started a completely new life.
It made me realize that Thayer has been gone for almost seven years and the kids and I, in some ways, have a completely new life.   But in other ways, I feel like we're stuck.

Yes, we are content.  And happy.  And ultimately the boys will grow up, move out and have their own lives.
But at this point I don't have any goals in life.   I feel like I'm kind of in limbo.
(and I really didn't start to think about this until I started typing.  I'm my own buzz kill)
What the heck am I going to do with my life?
I've got some ideas floating around in the back of my mind.  But nothing that I want to commit to at this point.

I guess that's not for me to figure out right now.

First things first.  
6:15am is going to come early tomorrow.
G'night!

snow day 4

I ventured into the sunlight today.    
We had been at home for over 72 hours.    That must have set a record for me!
Daniel had a follow-up appointment at the orthodontist at 3:55pm.   I don't think I've ever been so excited about an appointment!!
 -We went to the orthodontist.
 -We ran by the post office (yeah... what happened to the USPS this week?  I thought that nothing stopped the mail.  ??)  
-We ate dinner out.   This was a treat because we had eaten at home for 3 solid days.  haha.
-We grocery shopped at Wal-mart.
This was a big day!

Other than shoveling snow for 35 minutes on Tuesday I hadn't even been outside.  

How lame.
I noticed that other moms were playing with their kids in the snow.    Even moms with teens.    Or...my other conclusion is that they ran outside to take pictures of their kids and then retreated inside to post pictures on FB to make them seem motherly.

the token picture of my time outdoors.
thank you, Lisa, for capturing this rare moment

There wasn't really any part of me that wanted to chase my teenagers around outside in the teen temperatures.   They were doing pretty well without me.    So all is well.

Tomorrow will be my fifth day home from work.   And I have absolutely nothing to show for it!   I paid bills and organized my tax papers yesterday.    I ran a vacuum today.
How odd that I long to have time at home to clean and catch up on things around the house.   And I've had four days of doing..... I don't have a clue.

It has been nice to socialize with friends for a few days.   I suppose that the relational time will have more of a lasting impact than if I had decided to clean the toilets.  

Tanner is here for another sleepover.  We watched the Box Trolls movie, which actually turned out to be a lovely film with several nice little messages.

I had plans for tomorrow... but they dissipated.  Another free day and the world at our fingertips!
I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.  
 Maybe I'll finally get to those toilets.
I love snow days!

snow excited

We've just spent the past 48 hours having snow much fun!

Sunday night our little friend, Tanner, came to spend the night with us in anticipation of the snow on Monday.
After the snow started we were joined by Jamie, Lisa and kids.
The neighbours* came over for a brief dinner visit and then went home to snuggle by their wood stove.

Last night was a snowed-in sleepover for my family, Jamie, Tanner, and Lisa.
All of the kids have spent countless hours outside while the adults have chilled out.  Way out.

Today we peeled ourselves off of the couch to finish shoveling the driveway.  
Here's my public shout out to Lisa and Jamie for shoveling today.  We rocked it!
Daniel had attempted to shovel the driveway earlier this morning and announced that it was nearly impossible.   He managed to make two nice tire tracks and I was thankful.   The strong adults finished the job ;)

I'm not really sure what happened to the last two days.  It's been a lot of activity and inactivity.
I am so glad that the snow has come.   These days have been blissful.

 I consider myself to be blessed to have friends and friendly neighbours, and friends who are neighbors to hang out with!

On a side note:  I found it rather interesting how the other neighbors* waited until the entire block had shoveled their driveways before they pulled out their snow blower.    I felt the neighborly love.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* The talk of so many neighbors may be confusing.   for future reference they are defined as follows:

1.friend/ neighbor Lisa- lives across the street, friendly, seen regularly, trusted.

2. The Neighbours-  the fairly new, Canadian associated neighbours, friendly, watchful.

3. the other neighbors - sometimes referred to as "those neighbors", sketchy history, unsure of motives.

4. neighbor kids-   just all of the kids who take up residence at my house.  Can vary in numbers.

We do have other neighbors who rarely make it into a post.   They are generally friendly and are harmless.    We are thankful for them.

prep

My attempt at minimalism is going well.   I've rid my house of 203 items so far.  
Yes, it counts when you clean out the bathroom and count out individual random items, such as the entire contents of an old first aid kit.   And yes, it counts when you flush a fish down the toilet and throw away the tank.  Every item feels like an accomplishment.   (don't get me wrong.  I was sad about the fish.... for about three minutes).

Come to think of it, I haven't dug much deeper than my bathroom at this point.   I've got tons of drawers, and nooks and crannies, that I'll work on over time.    I'm excited to see how much I can accomplish this year.

My schedule has kind of become minimal the past month as well.  I've been really intentional about it.   I have made it a priority to continue my daily walking and yoga with Lisa.   It has been good for both of us.   I'm feeling better and I'm in route to bring sexy back at some point in the future.  (haha)

anywho.

Today the boys and I worked in the yard for a while.   As if my neighbors don't already question our sanity.... I thought it would be fitting to pick up sticks and clean off the carport in 20 degree weather.   Isn't that what everyone was doing today?
I used the talk of possible snow to motivate the boys (and our neighbor boy!) to get out and help clean up all of the sticks in the yard.    
Every year, I use the snow reasoning.
IF it were to snow, we'd want all of the sticks out of the yard so that they could sled and roll around without fear of poking their eyes out.  
Reasonable, right?   The kids seem to agree.
All the while, knowing that IF they were able to sled, I will spend the day hollering for them to stay out of the neighbors yard.   (which I'm wondering why the neighbors haven't set up their chair boundary yet?)

  The yard is ready for snow.  The carport is ready for.... my car.   I have milk in my fridge.   And I'm keeping my fingers crossed for snow this week.   Chances are with all of my preparation the weather people will be dead wrong.

poor little bunny

I was out of service for two days with a nasty stomach bug.
The kids hid out in the basement while they were home.  
Thankfully, my Dad took them to ride bikes and out for dinner.... but then they retreated back to the basement.

It's amazing how they didn't check on me, or offer to help their sick mom.
At all.

When they happened to come out of their cave to go to the bathroom or get a snack, I would ask them to refill my cup or feed the cats... which they begrudgingly did.
Once I was back on my feet and ventured through the house I saw that the dishes were piled on the counter and things just thrown about.
I cleaned up, scooped the cat litter and did laundry.
I'm wondering what would happen if I were REALLY sick for a length of time?
 Or.... if I were to die in my bed... how long would it take my kids to notice?

Am I preparing them to be good husbands?
Don't get me wrong.  My boys are good at many things.  And can be helpful when asked.
But as far as initiative.... they lack it.
And their compassion...
 mirrors mine.

oh yeah
It looks like we all have some things to work on!

And the winner is...

This post will be akin to a runner's post.   So if you've ever read a runner's post....   Stop now.   Turn off the computer and walk away.  seriously.

I just completed my second Diet Bet.    And I won.  again.     It's not a huge feat... but I feel like I've accomplished something.   I'm not sure why the 'bet' has become my motivator.    It's just enough pressure to keep me motivated.

The amount of weight to lose for the duration of a Diet Bet game isn't much.  4% of your body weight.  
This month, I kind of slacked off... thinking, "I've got more time.  I'll lose those last pounds before the end of the game."   I was too casual about it, I suppose.

As time grew close, I had one pound to lose.  
The day prior to the official weigh in  (which is documented by photos posted to the site)  my thoughts were almost obsessive about whether I would win the weigh in.  
There is a 48 hour window for final weigh ins.... so I knew I had an extra day if things didn't go as planned.

Monday morning, I got on the scale and hit my goal weight for the month!!  Yay!  I was beyond thrilled.  I immediately knew that I'd celebrate with a trip to Bojangles for lunch.
I got off the scale and reached for my camera for the picture proof.  And when I stood back on the scale... I was one pound heavier!  what?!
holy crap!   no way!   I needed that picture!!
I used the bathroom again!, I moved the scale across the room!  Various numbers appeared on the scale... but not THE number I needed! And why the variation?!  I panicked for about 20 minutes, with no luck of having the magic number show up again.
Total defeat.

My only chance at winning would be Tuesday morning.  The pressure was immense.
I did all the right things on monday.  I ate well.  I walked and yoga-ed as usual.  I discussed with friends.  I obssesed.   I pondered that perhaps my scale batteries were dying.   But... no... the scale says "LO" when the batteries are low.

Monday night, I thought I'd get the scale out again and see if the numbers varied depending on the slope of the floor, or where I postioned it in the room.   Totally logical, right ?

9:45pm, the night before my final weigh in..... the scale reads "LO".
9:50 pm I peel into Walgreens holding a tiny circular battery.  Panic in my eyes, "Do you have little batteries like this?!"
I must have looked like an addict looking for a fix.     And the cashier saved my night.

6:15 Tuesday morning..... I weighed in .5 pounds under the designated goal.    My phone was in hand and I had photo proof.
I WON!!

Now.  Let's put things into perspective:

A one month Diet Bet.
2 days of complete crazy.  (my friends would think this is a low estimate)
I paid $30 into the cash pot.
My portion of the winnings..... $41.24.
My actual profit....$11.24.

Haha.   Total freak out over $11.

Obviously, It's not at all about the money.
It's ALL about the weight loss, the challenge, the accountability, and the success.
I still have a long way to go.   Ideally 40-45 pounds to go.

I'm starting a new Diet Bet on February 10th.  (wanna join me?)
In the meantime.... I'm planning a trip to Steak and Shake tomorrow.   Bring it.

less

I told someone recently that I plan to post more in 2015.   Not so much 'deep thought' stuff.... but just everyday stuff.   As most of you know, my memory is horrible.   I feel the need to keep documenting the mundane.
Life.
(I'm having memory of writing that thought before... so forgive my redundancy.)

With the process of moving in to my kitchen I made an effort to be minimal with 'stuff'.    I have a new interest with minimalism and I feel that this is my year to really purge.  
Honestly, I've never been much for clutter.   And in my opinion, I don't own many knick knacks.

Well..... the gnomes.  oh, the gnomes.  I don't count the gnomes because they are generally out of my sight, in the yard... not in my house.  (My neighbors probably think I have a problem with hoarding.)  

Clutter isn't terribly visible. But...My closets and drawers are packed.  I think of all the extra things in my bathroom closet.... lotions I'll never use, fingernail polishes, left over shampoos, etc.
The unnecessary extras in my life need to be cleaned out this year.   I have a goal of getting rid of 2015 items this year, 2015.
(I may be counting pieces of paper to reach this goal... but it could be possible)

Along with minimizing the items in my house, I am continuing with my 'less is best' attitude about things in general.    Over the years, I  have mastered the word, "No" and I don't feel any guilt about turning events down that aren't beneficial to me or those involved.
  "Ain't nobody got time for that."
My calendar squares are generally full.... but with stuff we WANT to do .....not just stuff we were suckered in to are obligated to do.

I have been intentional about taking time for myself lately.    I think I've done really well with this over the years.  Really well.  Firstly, with the help of my amazing family who would watch the kids for me to get out and socialize.   This was huge, I know.
And now that the kids are older, I am able to carve out time for myself while they are preoccupied.
I  have started walking at least 2 miles, and doing yoga, daily.   Thanks to my good friend, Lisa... who happens to be my neighbor... and keeps me accountable.   If we can keep up this routine, it just might save my life this year.    I'd like to lose 40-50 pounds.... and I need to be intentional with my time and energy.   I think taking baby steps will pay off in the long run.

I've started setting my alarm clock 30 minutes earlier each day.   This was terrible at first, until I realized I wasn't rushing around like a maniac on school days.    I take my time and the mornings have become refreshing.

I've noticed that being more intentional with things, time, and energy have been very rewarding.   I hope this is the start of a great year.
Last year I claimed 2014 as my own.   But THIS year.  For real.... is gonna be mine :)

kitchen

For those of you who keep asking... here are some before and  after pics of the kitchen.
I have since added some textiles but will add a completed picture once the new table and chairs arrive.
 I highly recommend Dawson Custom Woodworking, Inc. 
I am so happy with how it has turned out.   I've cooked at home EVERY night this week!  woot woot!

the pantry on the left was demolished and replaced with the cabinets below.

I ended up having MUCH more cabinet space.
LOVE it all!

two days

 (December 31st, 2014)

We've been unsettled over our Christmas break.  The kitchen remodel is underway and people come and go, but not daily.... so it's kind of a guessing game as to if I should sleep late or get up and be presentable when contractors arrive.    Today the boys and I slept until 9 when the floor guys came in.   I have a nifty sign on my door that notifies them of our presence and tells them to just do their thing.   So far, so good.
We've had about a week of inactivity after they found a default with the flooring and had to resolve it with Lowes.   Once the new floors get here, the rest should fall into place.
I was glad to see the floor guys today as they are prepping.

The no-kitchen thing has been fine.   We have eaten out a ton, without that extra guilt of not cooking.  "It's justified", I like to think.
And we've been fed well by others!   The Tibbs family has offered to feed us every Monday, forever.   ;).....and my folks, and others have invited us to dinner.
 I'd like to think I'll repay the favor when I get a kitchen.   IF I use the kitchen for cooking.

This project is obviously huge for our family.    Especially all at once.   If Thayer were still alive, I think that he may have remodeled our kitchen by now.   It was his plan all along.  It was our plan.
  I envision it would have been a very slow process.   A small bit at a time..... floors one year,  painted cabinets one summer, new appliances as needed.   The whole project may have been completed by now.   Six years in the making.    Lots of nagging from me, and probably lots of work from me and the boys as well.

(January 1, 2015)

So here we are seven and a half years after moving in and I'm having the kitchen remodeled in a matter of weeks.    It's overwhelming.
 Even after talking about it for years.... if feels like a dream that it's actually happening.
 I am thankful for Thayer's planning and provisions that make it possible.   I'm seeing our plans come to fruition and it's pretty exciting.

Today is the first day of 2015.
We were blessed to spend this new year's day, and evening, with several families.   And I realize how thankful I am for all of the various relationships God has provided for our family this year.   He's been generous with new friendships and providing times for old friendships to remain.
I hope that this year will be a great one for our friends and family.

 I'm indecisive of if I should set goals or anticipate events this year.
I honestly haven't processed beyond the next few days.
We are back to work and school on Monday.  
I dread having to shift our sleeping schedule again.
And no matter how much I am enjoying my class this year, I am so anxious for summer to roll around.    (I really, really like my summer sleep schedule).
 In the meantime I'll settle for some snow days.  That would be okay too.

our christmasy night

Our extended family agreed, many years ago, to cut out the gift giving and simplify things by letting the kids draw names for Pollyanna.
My family has to buy two gifts to exchange.  Two.   And I've put it off until tonight.

My boys (including Matthew) headed out for an evening of Christmas shopping and cheer.
We ate 'fancy' at Applebees, dropped off a few things at people's houses, and then tackled the shopping at Target and Walmart.    Mission accomplished... even with three idiotic boys in tow.

I made a surprise stop by Starbucks and treated us all to peppermint hot chocolate and then put my secret plan in action.

Back story: For WEEKS, I have been talking about driving to look at Christmas lights.  Both of my boys growl and complain and threaten my life simply at the mention of driving to see the lights.
Just to get them riled up I intentionally slam on my breaks in front of any house that has lights.  I 'oooh and ahhh' and make a big fuss about even the simplest decorations. 

So, after appeasing them with hot chocolate I started to drive.   About 10 minutes from our house they start to question "where are we going?  Did you miss the exit?"
I continued to drive until we hit a neighborhood and I started to do my usual slow down and "look at those lights!"
They caught on to my plan and realized that the hot chocolate was just a bribe... and they were stuck in my car with nowhere to go.  

Lucas, especially, was furious.   He refused to look out of the window and insisted that he was going to take a nap.
UNTIL.... we found the house that was synchronized to music.  That kid perked up like a kid at Disney World.    All three of these big kids were amazed.   We must have sat at that house for 20 minutes.

The same neighborhood gifted us with a seductive snowman.... and we HAD to stop and get a picture.

By this time the kids were excited and I continued to drive, appearing lost, until we happened upon another house with a light show.
Good times.   

 I'm thankful it was a successful evening.  It was great to see Lucas' attitude change during our trip.

We returned home around 10:30 tonight..... and immediately noticed that The Neighbours had stolen our hippo!  

 It was a perfect ending to our evening as we laughed and planned our retaliation.  
I think this Christmas break is gonna be a good one!

music again

This morning I broke up with radio Christmas music.    I have had enough.

I visited my blog to re-read, or re-post, my previous thoughts on music, but upon my blog search I see that I have written about this a lot.   Especially the Christmas music.

So, here's one more for the record.

I'm a fan of Christmas music at first.   But this year I realize that even the old 'birth of Jesus' standbys are getting dingy and worn out.   (Except for my favorite "O Holy Night".)
I am politely singing along with the radio for the most part.  
The real meaning of Christmas isn't lost on me.    But I feel the need for something peppier.

The secular Christmas songs have the same old feel to them.  
And that feel is generally about being lonely and wanting to have someone home for Christmas.
There needs to be a song about "please just let me get a date for Christmas".  seriously.

So I had the difficult talk with my radio this morning.
 "This isn't working out......It's not you, It's me."  Etc. etc.

The other two channels that continue to play top 40 music are seriously in cahoots with each other.    No lie...... one channel plays the song, and then the next channel plays the same song.    There is no joy in switching channels.  It's the same crap over and over, a gazillion times each day.
 I have pretty much memorized Taylor Swift's new song  (which is catchy, yet twisted).... and I know to change the channel before that guy sings about naked ladies and trumpets.

My next car will have one of those nifty little jacks for an iPod.    And I will learn how to download music onto some device.  It will be amazing.   I will listen to what I like.   I will sing.  I will be happy.

Well, I'm actually really happy right now.    This break-up will be a good thing.

and so it begins

The annual debate among preschoolers about Santa.   

Is he real or not?

I don't remember this being a discussion when I was four.... or when my own kids were four.   But more recently the concept of Santa has caused much debate among young children.      (I have my speculations about why but that's for another post.)

I am fully aware that Jesus is the reason for the season.   And I am perfectly supportive if your family chooses not to play Santa.  I get it.
But please don't let your kid be the one who announces this to the entire class of wide eyed preschoolers.     

Prepare your kids.  Let them know that families celebrate in different ways.  And tell them to keep their mouths shut.  please.

There is nothing quite like overhearing this conversation in a classroom.
"Santa is NOT real!"

"Then how do the presents get there?"
"Your mom and dad go out and buy them and put them under the tree".

By the end of the conversation both kids are practically screaming at each other and looking toward the teacher with panicked eyes.

"Families celebrate Christmas in many ways...."  (and then desperately try to change the subject)

It's really awkward.  for everyone.

Is he real.... or not?

rolling

We're adjusting back to our routine after a short Thanksgiving break.   We had a super quick visit down to see Thayer's family.    As I sat and visited with Granny I realized that time keeps rolling.

Granny is 92.   She can't remember her last sentence but she has a good, selective, long term memory.    She is always ready and willing to talk about her husband, how they met, and how handsome he was.   She has a picture of her husband (probably college aged).... and yes, he was a looker.   Blue eyes, just like Thayer.
Her husband has been gone for eight years.   And I know she longs to be with him again.     She bides her time.
As we all do in some way or another.

I've had the weight of uneasiness this week as I think about my friends who are in the midst of much heartache.   Loss, death, sickness, slow recoveries, and anticipation for upcoming surgeries.
(please pray for Zack this week!)
So much going on.   I have the desire to help.... or to do more.
I feel like I'm using my own village to get it all done these days.    And I'm not sure what else TO do.
So I bide my time.    And pray.
I hope my people know how much I care.

December is slowing filling up with activity.

After a post Halloween meltdown- when I told the kids that we would never decorate for holidays again.....
I changed my mind and we pulled out the Christmas boxes.    The boys put up the tree and we decided to keep things super simple this year.    We looked at all of the ornaments and I suggested that they only hang 'circular' ornaments this year.     I'm pretty pleased.

 I have finally got the ball rolling on my kitchen remodel!    Over five years of hemming and hawing..... and I have finally taken action!   I meet with the contractor tomorrow to make selections and schedule a start date.   This has been a long time coming.   It's truly a Christmas miracle that I'm taking this step.   really.
(I may post pictures or write more about this as the project progresses.....so please just smile and nod, smile and nod).

Less then three weeks until Christmas break.    Wow.  The days are rolling by.

times are changing

not really.    Things are eerily staying the same around here.

 But that recent time change has totally thrown me for a loop.   I feel like I'm ready for bed by dinnertime.    It feels SO late by then.   

Tonight we waited for, what seemed like an eternity, for Daniel's guitar teacher to arrive for a lesson. He arrived in the concealment of deep, dark night..... at 6pm.    

(Shout out to Lynchburg Guitar Lessons!!  Patrick has been so accommodating! )

I know that I will eventually get used to the shift in daylight, because I always have.  But this week has been tough.    The nights seem to linger forever.    

I can understand why people suffer from that seasonal depression stuff.   

 I am by no means depressed.... but just yawny.  very yawny.

I've wanted to write lately but I'm fresh out of interesting.    

I recently ventured online to have my blog posts from 2012-2013 printed and bound.   I get so giddy when I receive a fresh book, of my words, in the mail.    I can't wait to thumb through it and feel like I'm "published".   I know I wrote about this previously.... but I'm thrilled to be able to share my memories with my boys this way.     One day, when I'm old, and forgetful  (eh, any day now) I know that I'll enjoy reading back through our years.

anywho.

I've spent a bit of time this week watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix.    I was told to watch it.... (thanks, Katie)....so I felt obliged. 

First of all.... I am not a football fan.... so the first few episodes were VERY difficult to get through.   But now I'm hooked.   Basically caught by the character who has become paralyzed.   I'm only 8 or 9 episodes in but I want to know how he moves along his journey.   And I've enjoyed watching the romances unfold.   (Then again, I'm totally creeped out that we get a kick out of watching tv highschoolers make-out.)  They get more action than I've had in years.   boo!

Whew.

random. random.

such is life.

halloween

This is the first Halloween in....ever.... that I've been home all night to hand out candy.     Other years were broken up with some sort of activity or taking the kids out to trick-or-treat.    

I always left a bucket of candy on the porch as we ventured out.   Nothing extravagant but just enough for whoever might wander by our house.
Some years I was anal enough to write a cutsie note asking the little critters to 'only take a few... and leave some for others'.    But then I wised up to the fact that one little rascal probably came and emptied the whole bowl into his bag.
I stopped leaving the notes and figured that some dude was gonna get really lucky.

Lucas joined my nieces and nephews tonight for trick-or-treating.
Daniel decided to stay home.
I was excited!
I envisioned an evening snuggled on the couch, watching a movie with my boy, and handing out candy to cute kids.
The boy envisioned a night in the basement finishing the second season of Arrow, on Netflix, without me.

And so it was.  
I sat in the living room, binged on pizza and candy, studied Facebook, and watched episodes of The Goldbergs on my laptop.    I handed candy out to 10, TEN, kids.
Number 10 got his candy, took a step away, turned an about-face and asked, "do you have any Gobstoppers".  
I replied, "Are you seriously making requests?"  
And since I was so dumbfounded by his boldness.... I relinquished the Gobstoppers.   But only one package.
At least he said 'thank you'.

The highlight of my evening was when the neighbors  (no, not those neighbors).... a nice couple diagonally across the street from me...... stopped by with candy for the boys.

I had thought about the neighbors earlier.  How their light was on.  And my light was on.  And how dreadfully few trick-or-treaters we had.

Next year I am envisioning a new Halloween tradition.  The kind I have read about online... but never understood until now.   I'm envisioning the neighbors hanging out in the yard, or a block party, or a teenager Halloween party, or a camp fire night.     Something to bring the solitude porch lights together.    
We're all waiting for those little costumed creatures to come requesting candy  (all 10 of them)..... so why not wait together?
(I also envisioned this would be a  great night for a wedding.  go figure)

We'll see.

I have a year to decide against my pumpkin party.... perhaps it's time to morph the tradition into something new.

(we DID have the 14th annual pumpkin party yesterday.   It was a success!)

These boys always impress me with their pumpkin carving knowledge.

Daniel is SKILLED!

Lucas' MineCraft Creeper.
(a video game thing)

month of excess

People tell me that I should write a book.
I feel like I have.
Blogger tells me that I have written 783 posts.
I have many years of these posts printed and bound in hopes that one day my kids will sit and read them.... and think...."wow.  That was our mom."

It's interesting to think about what I may have written over the years.   Sometimes I think I only wait to report the shocking or 'emotional' stuff.   I have tried to include the mundane as well.   Because such is life.  The ups and downs.

Like today.    It was blah.     I'm pretty sure I'm having my equivalent of PMS this week.  I'm moody and bloated.   And I binged on Pizza and popcorn for dinner.
I have disappointed myself tonight since I've focused so much on my eating lately.   I've lost eleven pounds simply by adjusting my consumption.
But today.  I could care less.

The boys and I are currently in, what I have named, the "month of excess".   October is always my busiest month by far.    And my most expensive month.
We are settling down after several weeks of crazy excess.... only to be gearing up for our Pumpkin Party and Halloween activities to come next week.

The past few weeks have been chock-full of events and driving.  (lots of driving!)
 Daniel's birthday, a trip to Great Wolf Lodge, unexpected car fiasco, rescue visit with friends, rental car expenses, visit from Thad,  and TWO visits to Layman's Farm.

Every year I say that I'm not going to go all excessive in October.    But October is my favorite month and it's so easy to go overboard.
My kids will only be around the house for a few more years, so I justify the expense, I suppose.

I sent out the invites to our pumpkin party, that I refuse to throw every year.   Lucas made sure that the invite included the word "annual" on it......"so we have to have it next year too."

And there you have it.  October comes every year and suckers me into activity and expense.     Thankfully lots of fun along with it.

enough

I've had a week.   A great week  A fun week.  A messy week.   An angry week.  A sad week.  A lazy week.  

 I have wept over Thayer's absence.   I have shed tears for my boys.  I have lost my temper.    I have yelled.  I have made huge mistakes.   I have lectured.   I have used harsh language.  I have battled loneliness.  I have felt defeated. I have failed people I love.     I have laughed with friends.  I have walked miles.  I have sat for hours.  I have neglected my chores.   I have stood until my feet ached.  I have worked.  I have slept.  I have grumbled.    I have praised.
I have been chasing something.

I just don't know what.

After a week of disconnect and confusion.... it's interesting that God had to use a Facebook post and a movie to remind me of what I've known along.    Tonight he shouted at me and said,
 "You're enough!"
 Those exact words.   He's been whispering this over and over for the past few months.
I get it now, God.
 I'm enough.

Even though I often feel like my world is crumbly and crazy, and I just don't know what path I'm on...

I am enough.

This coming week I will cry.  I will lose my temper.  I will lecture.  I will curse.   I will be lonely.   I will make mistakes.   I will laugh.   I will walk.  I will sit.  I will work.  I will praise.

I will be enough.
Because I am loved.