August

August 16th
11 years

Mid August always brings on an underlying bit of anxiousness for me: Remembering the pivotal moment of Thayer's death, and the days that followed. 
It was a horrible time...and I only allow myself to engage those memories for about a week.   Then back to business as usual.

It started a bit earlier this month.  August 3rd, I found out that one of my travel companions to Uganda, in 2011, had tragically been killed by a drunk driver.     
My relationship with Kent was brief.  I had traveled with Kent and his son to Uganda and I have seen him a handful of times since.   Kent was DOING things!  Great things!  He was wise, encouraging, open, thoughtful. 
The Facebook tributes began flooding in.... and I knew I had pinned him well.   So many people have described him with such eloquence.  He was the kind of guy that impacted everyone he came in contact with.    His film projects were rich and full.  His faith was unique and his love for his family was so evident.     Kent gave so much of himself to the world.... and now he is just... gone.
I know exactly where Kent Williamson is today.... but I am terribly heartbroken for his wife and six children, as well as the extended family who lost 4 of their people that day.   So many lives shattered.  I just can't imagine. 
My journey can only give me a small glimpse of what that family may be experiencing.   It's horrific.

Fast forward to some of my own weepy car rides this month and the recognition that my boys are growing up with so many of Thayer's traits.
Daniel started working full time as an auto technician this week.   I am so proud, and I know Thayer would be over the moon to have his son follow in his footsteps.   
Where have the last eleven years gone?!

Yesterday I ran in to a family that I haven't seen in many years.   Right away I remembered them as people I loved.  We had lost touch when they moved far away.
My mind went into a frantic search for placing them on my timeline.  Adam and Kim...  They knew Thayer.  Were they around when Thayer died?  Do they even know Thayer is dead?  (cue the sad music about my non-existent memory)
Thank goodness they were able to clear up the details and it was SO lovely to see their faces again.
They have been on my mind since our meeting.  A blast from the past... (Early 2000s) ...A past that feels like two lifetimes ago.

Sabrina shared an interesting theory with me today.   She seems to think I don't remember much of my past, and I don't tend to be anxious about the future, because I live in the present.     In some ways I guess that is true.   
It's true I don't dwell on the past (however it's a shame that I can't remember all the fun stuff).
And if I've learned anything from Thayer's death, it is that we can't worry our way into the future.    We just have to be along for the ride.
I want to strive to be more conscious of the present and be intentional with the people I love.
Life is too short.

find a home

I've spent a little time watching YouTube this summer.   I've been delving more in to videos pertaining to minimalism and simplifying lifestyles.    I've been gathering some great motivation and tips; and I'm able to give myself some high fives for some of the habits I have already formed.

The term"minimalist" sounds so extreme and possibly snooty at times... but I am finding that the modern minimalist is just someone who is taking stock of what they own and only keeping the useful and purposeful items.
I feel that I'm consistently assessing items as I use, or don't use, them.  I have found that even after the initial "purge", the process is cyclical and it's good to return to areas again and again to reassess.   I also make decisions about whether adding items to our home is beneficial for our space, and our budget.

However, even with all of the great strides I have made.... "Garage" is still written on my summer to-do list. 
DO NOT go in there.   I get such a feeling of dread whenever I go in there.  I know the joy I will get once that space is emptied and reorganized.    I'm just fearful of the process. 

I get that most people have that same dread when they think of paring down the items in their home.  It IS a big task.... but I found it can easily be done by working on small projects each day.  One drawer, one closet, one cabinet.    I get such a feeling of satisfaction by knowing that things are organized and in their place. 

I think the key, whether you are trying to minimize OR if you just want a calmer atmosphere, is that every item in your house needs a "home".   And by keeping every item in it's special place, a house can feel calm, well maintained, and tidy.     

I know that if you have young kids, this is nearly impossible.   Just ignore my high and mighty preaching.... or....better yet... follow The Minimal Mom on YouTube.  She's my new favorite!  :)

I'm learning that small steps make a huge difference.    I might even decide to tackle that garage soon. 
maybe.

on being 42

Each year I spend the beginning of June celebrating my birthday and catching up on appointments.      So far I've seen the chiropractor, the eye doctor and my primary care physician.   

 I passed the exams with flying colors.   So far, so good on the getting older front.

The chiropractor and I were talking about aging and he assumed that I was lamenting about getting older.   I had to correct him, and remind him that I see it as a blessing to get older.  Not everyone gets to see 42, ya know?   I DO consider it a priviledge to be here for another year.

The eye doctor, after saying that I just needed the same reading glasses that I've used for the last three years, tried to guess that I was also using them for distance sight.  

Nope.  I see distance well.  It's the little things that I get hung up on.

And that leads to the primary doctor... who had to talk me off of a high cliff that I've created about my weight, and then proceeded to show me my near perfect bloodwork numbers.   She was super encouraging and gave me statistics that show I'm moving in the right direction.  

The thing is... I see distance well.   I know that down the road, I plan to continue an active lifestyle,  that personal issues will be resolved, that relationships will be healed, that God works everything out... and that I will be Ok!     Even knowing all of this.... it's the little things that I get hung up on. 

Lord, help me get past the little things and stay focused on what you have in store!  

42 years.   Lord willing, another 42 to go.  (Well....maybe)

wrestling with shame

Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of  love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

Recently, I happened upon the documentary Embrace, available on Amazon Prime.    It is an excellent film that "explores the global issue of body loathing."     I sat, close to tears, as I painfully related to what women expressed throughout the film.    I was encouraged by seeing glimpses of myself on the screen and then completely discouraged by not knowing if I could ever really be happy in my own skin.   

Thus began my current journey of trying to get to the root of my own shame.  Why do I feel so much shame and insecurity about my body? 

I have briefly discussed the film with a few people, explaining that it highlighted the unattainable expectations that our culture puts on women.

One man I spoke with assumed that the film was about a "fat" lady who was just "making excuses" for women.

(Which, by the way... it is not, and she is not)

This response really rubbed me the wrong way.  Here was a man assuming that someone who wants to spread encouragement about loving our bodies is "fat" and that they are "making excuses".  He went on to say that "anything is attainable." 

But my point, and the point of the film....is Yes.  Anything is attainable.... but at what cost?!  And are we only supposed to love our bodies if we fit into a certain mold?

I lost 55 pounds.  I was praised and admired and encouraged.  It felt great!  

I was also super obsessive about food and exercise.  I was angry at mealtimes.  It was ALL consuming.    

Sadly, over the past two years, I have gained 20 of those pounds back.  The compliments have come to a screeching stop... and honestly, the larger I am, the more insignificant I feel.

I have become very bitter about our culture that seems to put appearance over all else.

Yet.... I know I need to lose the 20 pounds to feel comfortable in my clothes again.   It's a constant struggle.

After chewing on this body image dilemna for a bit, I can only wonder....  Am I overly insecure about my body?   How deep does this go?

 I picked up the book In Bloom: Trading Restless Insecurity for Abiding Confidence,  hoping to get a grip on what appears to be the unfolding of some intense personal reflection.

This has all been a good reminder that my value is, and will always, be in my relationship with God.  

Yes, yes, I know that.   But that is also much easier to say than to really embrace on a day-to-day.

The author, Kayla Aimee started sharing about her insecurity from waaay back.... her hurt and embarrassments from elementary school.    I kept thinking.... geez..... she needs to stop her whining.   How silly. 

But!  The more I read.... I realized that I, too, can still remember the names of the boys who called me "ugly" at the bus stop.  I, too, can remember being so "average" that I was never asked out on a date, I can remember not feeling "enough" for my first husband.... and even now... thinking I will never be thin enough, tan enough, or timid enough for my current husband.   

Apparently my insecurity can be traced waaaay back too.

 I think that most women .... if you dig deep, can relate to always having expectations put upon us that are juuuust out of reach.   The feeling of never living up to what we think we should be.

I'm trying to come to terms with being who I am despite what society says. I feel like that's almost impossible.  I think it will be a long journey.
I guess we're all in this together.    

learning

Chief Zuidema 

Last night I was presented a schnazzy certificate for completing the Lynchburg Police Department's Citizens' Police Academy.   (a sticker badge would have sufficed)  ;)
The academy was a seven session class that introduced average folks like me to the world of law enforcement.   
Greg had suggested that I take the class...and I invited some friends... so it became our "girls' night" over the course of six weeks. 
Honestly, It was great!   Each session was very informative and I grew my knowledge of law enforcement. 

Let's think back to my earlier knowledge of police:

Growing up.... zero interaction with the law.  My family has been pretty straight and narrow.   I knew cops were around "keeping people safe".   I participated in the DARE program as a kid.   I assume some cop taught me the dangers of drug use.    Police were not on my mind.

As a young adult.... watching shows like CSI, knowing everything is dramatized for TV...being especially irritated that the TV investigators never turned on lights, and found all of their evidence through the light of a flashlight.

As a young married person... hearing stories of real life "bad cops" in Colorado, surrounding the criminal case of Thayer's father.    Always knowing that most police are good.  But there are some shady ones as well.   Even at that point.... police.... not on my mind.

As a widow....That one speeding ticket I got at the NC/VA border.... That trooper was on my mind.   But the ticket was deserved and the trooper was typical.

For the first 39 years of my life there is a chance I could have been in a room full of police officers and not batted an eye.   I have no draw to men in uniform.  I am the opposite of what they may call a "badge bunny".     I knew I respected authority but my radar for policemen was nil.

Then, BAM, out of the blue... this hunky guy I started to date was a cop.    As I started to learn about him, I started to learn about his career.    I was able to hear candidly about his job, and start to appreciate what it takes to be in law enforcement in such a time as this. 
I was able to do several ride-alongs while he was out on the streets.    Those times were EYE OPENING!    For an average person like me.... it showed me an entirely different part of society that I don't see from my safe little bubble. 
Y'all!!!... people in the general public are CRAZY.   Drunk, violent, crazy!   The crap that cops deal with every shift of every day would blow your mind.     Police are trained to uphold the law.... but I was surprised to see how police have to be excellent communicators, listeners and problem solvers.     The split second decisions and thinking on their feet is beyond taxing.   Someone clearly has to be called to such a profession.     
Even though Greg is currently off of the street.... I can see how his time and experiences over the past 22 years have shaped him.   It is not the kind of job that you leave at the end of the day. 

Jump back to the Citizens' Police Academy:
It was a treat to hear from Greg's police family during the class sessions.  I was able to add detail to what Greg had already shared with me, and gain much deeper insight into all aspects of what makes a police department run.   The topics were on point and very relevant.  It's the kind of stuff I wish everyone could hear and appreciate.   

My appreciation for law enforcement has grown exponentially in just the past few years.   Now... police are on my radar... all of the time.   They are my heroes.   💗

The Citizens' Police Academy is a great resource for people who love the police, who appreciate the police,who are curious about the police, who are fearful of the police, who doubt the police, who support the police, who live near police, who eat in restaurants with police, who share the roads with police, who share air with police.
I highly recommend this class to all citizens when it rolls around again. 

The Citizens' Police Academy is offered for Lynchburg and surrounding residents.  Keep your eyes peeled for the next enrollment!

Citizens' Police Academy graduates April 18,2019

changing seasons

The change of seasons.   The changes in life.
Sometimes so slowly we don't notice.  Sometimes so abruptly that it uproots us.

This week could have been my 20th wedding anniversary.   How bizarre to consider it when life has shifted in different directions. 
All of these years later.  We are good. This is where we are supposed to be. 

But... we had heard that the milestones would be hard. 

We received Daniel's graduation invitations in the mail recently and something crept up on me. 
No father here to witness and celebrate. 
I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.
I have yet to ask Daniel if he feels the same.... if he is acutely aware of Thayer's absence during this milestone moment. 
He seems fine.  He seems unemotional as usual.    Which makes me wonder if some of his aloof shell has to do with his father being gone all of this time.   How much has this loss really shaped him?   How much counseling will he need after being mothered by me?  haha

We are who we are.  Our life experiences have shaped us for better and worse. 
Seasons change, life changes. 
Somehow seasons are more predictable.   I noticed the red buds blooming this week and wondered about the tree we planted in honor of Thayer.   At the "old" house now. 
Sure enough... it IS blooming. 
Some things never change.  Yet little remains the same.

photo credit: Lisa Tibbs
4/9/19

legacy

I recently attended a funeral where the pastor paused and allowed folks to share stories about their loved one.    A woman in the audience stood and declared, "She loved Jesus."   It was said with certainty and without hesitation.   

The memorial service brought a Casting Crowns song to mind;
Only Jesus.

The chorus:

And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy I don’t care if they remember me Only Jesus And I, I’ve only got one life to live I’ll let every second point to Him Only Jesus

The thing is, I didn't know the gal who had died.   But I now know that she loved Jesus.   And that's the most important thing. 
It got me thinking.... what will folks say at my funeral?  Do I live in such a way that people will stand and say, "she loved Jesus".  ? 

Greg and I are currently participating in a small group study on the book Radical by David Platt.    It has been good.... and very challenging.    It has drummed up serious questions about my faith, what I believe of  Jesus' teachings.
Are my priorities in check with what I believe to be true?
Do I live in a way that my time and talents point to Jesus? 
Am I openhandedly giving of myself and my resources?   (Deuteronomy 15:7-11)
Do I live, and give, without fear of the future?

I've been encouraged to figure this stuff out. 
I have a LONG way to go.... but I hope I'm traveling in the right direction.
Because in the end.... it's all about Jesus.

(odd video.... but the minimalist in me loved the picture of how all of the stuff is not important.   It will all pass away.  )

All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won

Will crumble into dust when it’s said and done

‘Cause all that really matters

Was my life the proof that there is only One 

Did I live the truth to the ones I love

Whose name will last forever 

for the single people

My mind keeps backtracking to the Valentine's day broadcast of our local Christian radio station.   The hosts, and (I think) a pastor, were speaking encouragement to all of the single people who are waiting for a spouse.     I listened briefly and determined that they weren't particularly encouraging single people.... but more so expressing to single people that one of their priorities is to find a spouse. The more they talked, I felt that they were saying, "Don't worry.  just wait it out until God brings you that person that will complete you.  Keep praying for that perfect person to come along.  Marriage will be the answer to your loneliness."

And I get that.  I think that most people DO desire to have companionship that marriage provides.   But I think that we are failing as a church body, when even our radio stations are preaching to the masses that marriage is the answer, and that you aren't whole until you find a spouse.

The truth is that there are tons of wonderful, godly people that won't ever have a spouse. For whatever reason, God wants them to remain single.    And that's okay!!     I'm no Bible scholar but I know that Paul talks about singleness somewhere in Corinthians.  

Lo and behold.... a quick Google search shows me that Paul encouraged singleness!!   (He writes about good relationship stuff in 1Corinthians 7: 1-40)     He basically says (loosely paraphrased):   

-Remain single  (unless you don't have self control).   

-If you're free from a wife... don't seek one.   

-Those who marry have worldly troubles...   Unmarried people can focus on God and what pleases the Lord. 

-He who marries does well, but he who refrains from marriage does even better.

-Widows can re-marry... but they are happier if they don't.

I consider myself to have a unique perspective on this married/single thing.   (In case you missed it: I was married, widowed, and remarried)  

I know before my first marriage, I desired a husband.  I never really dated and I was blessed when God dropped Thayer from the sky for me.  I was married at 21  and proceeded to follow the plan that every little Jesus girl follows.  Marriage, kids, happy homemaker.

My world was obviously crushed when Thayer died.   I was a widowed solo parent.  I had an abrupt entry into the single world of the church.  It is dark and lonely there.  I am witness to that.   The church is highly guilty of idolizing marriage and families  (as it should be to an extent) but at the high cost of excluding those who don't fit the mold.

The first few years of widowhood I prayed and prayed for God to send me another husband, another dad for my boys.   After several years I dug in and considered a future on my own.    I surrounded myself with amazing friends and family.  My life was full.  I learned contentment in my situation.

Somehow Greg dropped in and I remarried.  Greg was a surprise from God and I am super thankful.   Wouldn't change this blessing for anything.  But at times, I still need to find my contentment in God alone.   Marriage is hard!

Whew!  All of this wordiness to say.....I have lived both realities and I can attest to the facts that being married is a GIFT!   And being single is a GIFT!   There are sooo many pro and cons to each situation.    I think the key is learning contentment in whatever boat God puts you in.
Single friends, enjoy it! Really, enjoy it!    Married folks, enjoy it!   

God can use us.  All of us.   Our worth is in Him alone.    Whoever he puts along your path....  be it a spouse, friends, family.... find contentment in knowing you are sons and daughters of God.   

You are loved.

dear friend,

We were connected by our single mom life.    Our Lifegroup was unique and a good support system as we muddled through our parenting.    I am thankful that you walked along the journey with me and the other girls that crossed our path.    You were a consistent face amongst the others that came and went. 
I enjoyed our individual chats as moms and our group activities with the kids.   
Looking back, I can honestly say that we were a fun group!   I have fond memories of our holiday frolicking, meals shared, games played…. especially the infamous kick-ball game!

Thank you so much for sharing your family with me.     It was neat to watch our kids grow together.
Thank you for entrusting me with your son for such lengthy periods of time.   I loved him like my own.  It was a privilege to care for him while your plate was so full.
Team Zack! 
Dare I mention how much fuller your plate became when the bones were broken!  Oops.

It was an honor to bear witness at your wedding and watch your little family grow.
 I have admired your own growth as you have gone through many ups and downs over the years.     It has not been easy and I have seen your faith grow as you are learning to lean in to God through the tough situations.   Keep at it.     God has big plans for you.

Though we don’t see each other often these days, I am thankful for the times that we get together.    
It’s been a blessing to have you, and your family, as a part of my journey!

 

dear friend,

We met when I was fresh out of community college.  I was ready to face the world of early education.   You were my first lead in the field, and you were an amazing mentor!    I considered you SO much older and wiser.  Haha.  I remember when we celebrated your 30^th birthday!

We went through several life changes during my three years at Elizabeth’s.     You were a great support during my early marriage and pregnancy.   And I was glad when you confided in me during some very dark moments.    
I look back, and have fond memories of our time in the Purple house! 

Deservingly, you became the boss.   You were a great boss!  I appreciated how you never lost touch with the classroom.      Your love for children and your love for your co-workers was evident. 

I’m so thankful that we have kept in touch over the years.    

After Thayer’s death, I remember how you would leave the kindest voice messages at my house.   Just checking in… no need to return the call.     You’ll never know how much those message meant to me.   You have always been such a support to me, even when you don’t realize it.    It’s the little things that mean so much!

It’s been great to watch God knit your little family together.   You have a talented husband and your boy is becoming a young man!

I look forward to our lunch dates and our catching up!   You always know the right questions to ask and you have always been one of my biggest cheerleaders.  Thank you for always being a bright spot in my life.  You are a blessing to me!

     

dear friend,

You were the best example in our yoga class.   I enjoyed learning yoga with you and laughing our way through the classes.
 It was great that you agreed to visit our Sunday night group.   And even greater that you kept coming back!     
You completed our tribe!

I love that you take all of the crazy in, swirl it around, and then speak your wisdom into our lives.   Thank you for your listening ears, your thoughtful remarks, and your witty interjections.
When we give you the floor… you are spot on.   

You have impressed me with your perspective on life and I admire the deep sacrifices you make for your family.    You have to be the rock, even if you don’t want to… and you stay so focused on your tasks.
Your journey tugs at my heart and I know that there are great things in store for you!   You deserve so much happiness.

I love that you are the “mom” when we travel.  I know you don’t like that role, but you are the coolest, calmest decision maker.   Thank you for gathering our scattered thoughts, making dinner reservations, being our guide, keeping us moving forward, and keeping us in line.

You have a great memory and are very thoughtful with your actions, your gifting, and your time.

You are such a blessing to me.  Thanks for being a part of my story.

dear friend,

  

I have been honored to have known you since elementary school.    The girl who was voted “most popular” in middle school...yeah… I was her side kick.  
I remember sleepovers at your “haunted” house, talking about boys, gossiping about girls, and visiting your father’s grave.     We have history together and I’m glad that I know yours.  

We lost track for a brief moment over the high school years.    I remember re-connecting at Hardees and at Community College.   I remember showing up at your house, before daybreak, to do the MTV Grind workout!

I love that we have always been able to pick up where we left off.     I think our history bonds us in a way that we will always be family.     You are one of those unique lifetime friends. 

I love your appreciation for music and lyrics. I love that you take the time to really listen to lyrics and find songs that seem to fit with your current state.   I have vague flashbacks of singing Eternal Flame by the Bangles and wailing out Alanis Morissette songs, back in the day.  Even now, though we mostly have tons of conversations in the car, I enjoy when you point out a song that speaks to you.    I like that you are my dictionary friend… that we have “words” in common.

You have been a great support to me and my boys, welcoming us into your family.     Thank you for loving my boys and treating them like your own.     We have loved vacationing with your family, sharing meals, going to movies, and just hanging out over the years.       You have always challenged me to see the best of each situation, often reminding me of the blessings that are right in front of me.

I’ve witnessed your ups and downs over the years.   You have amazing resilience.   I’m excited to see what God has in store for you!     You are a blessing to me.

dear friend,

I’ve known you as long as I can remember.    I assume we met in the church nursery.   Children’s choir, plays, music camps, sleepovers.   And youth group.    We had some awesome times in youth group!

I remember visiting you in college and always getting together when possible.  
Weddings and babies.   I loved coming to visit you with my boys in tow.   I know I often overstayed my welcome… but you and your boys were so fun to hang out with!    You were the best hostess and we always felt at home in your home.    I’m so glad that we continued our visits as our boys grew up.

We both became single parents.   Something we never, ever expected.  
We could commiserate and empathize with each other.     You were such an encouragement to me.  Your unwavering faith is such an inspiration.    I love how you have continually held on to Jesus through all of the dark and unsure moments.   

I love the plan that God has unfolded for you and the boys.    It was a blessing to witness your marriage and watch your little family grow.   You have been an awesome mom through it all.  It’s hard to believe that our boys are on their way to adulthood!   I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

I have enjoyed watching your career lay its path.  From working with little ones to working with the elderly.   You have such a tender heart for others.   Your work is clearly your ministry.  
Your creativity has been your forte for years.    I love having you as my crafty friend! 

Thank you for putting up with me for a lifetime.  I love that we can always pick up where we left off.  You have seen me at my best, but mostly at my worst!    You have journeyed alongside me through it all.  

Thank you for always encouraging and always being a friend that I can count on!   You are a blessing!

dear friend,

         

I remember when you started attending the group with a stroller in tow.   Our boys were SO young.   It was surreal taking our kids to a grief support group.     Tragedy had brought us together.   God used that group to knit together an amazing support system for me and my boys.   Thank you for being an integral part in our healing, and our sense of knowing that we were not alone in our journey.   
From Kids’ Haven, to the widow’s group, to our Lifegroup.   I’m blessed that you have journeyed alongside me over the years.    

 
I was glad when you started attending our church.   I have always admired your Biblical knowledge and wisdom.     I’ve always considered you my wise, witty friend.        You have a great wealth of knowledge that you put to work in many ways.    Your work with young kids, and now your work with college folks….it’s been neat to watch God lay out the path for your career.    

Your job as a solo parent has been your greatest responsibility.   I love how you love your boys, even when it is hard.   You have been graceful through the crazy moments and I admire how you compose yourself.   It’s been great to watch your boys turn out to be polite young men.  I’ve always appreciated their impeccable manners.  Good job, Mom!

Thank you, also, for being a willing participant in my own family’s holiday celebrations.  You have braved Thanksgivings with us and I love how you can make yourself at home in practically any situation.

You will always be considered family!  Your friendship has been a blessing to me!

dear friend,

We became fast friends and the best neighbors, ever.  Our kids were SO little when we met.  I was so happy to move in to a neighborhood where my boys could meet friends and run rampant in the streets.   Looking back, I’m certain our kids had the best childhood there in our cul-de-sac.

 You were my roller skating guru.  (We all recall the broken wrists.  Yikes. )  
The weekly outing to FunQuest was a highlight for me and the boys.   Fun times.

When tragedy struck you were literally the first on the scene and you never wavered.   You joined me, and sat with me in many of my darkest moments.   I am so thankful for your listening ear and our long porch talks.   We bonded over our husbands being away, for two distinctly different reasons.  It was a territory that was new to both of us.      You will always hold a special place in my heart for the great empathy you showed to me over the span of several years.   Thank you for upholding me during all of those times.

I am so thankful for the time when we had our daily walks.   So much walking!   I looked forward to our times together and I loved how our conversation flowed so naturally.   No topic left unturned.    We talked big and dreamed bigger.   I admired your daily encouragement to better ourselves physically and mentally.  
  
Family dynamics and location have separated us lately, but I love that you are still a part of my tribe!   I look forward to Sunday nights and our various outings and girls’ trips.      You are, and will always be so special to me!  You are a great blessing.

dear friend,

I’m so glad that you friended me on Facebook.  Twice!   The rest is history.  Although we knew of each other in high school, I’m so glad that we really know each other now!   
These past several years, It has been an honor to call you my friend.   You have been such an important member of my tribe.

I enjoy your perspective and determination with everything you tackle in life.   Your hobbies, your training, and your traveling are all areas of inspiration to me.   I love that you live life to the fullest at every chance you get.

 I like your attention to detail and you’re your uncanny ability to find the perfect gifts for your friends.   You are by far one of the most thoughtful people I know.
I have you to thank for my new home, and the fact that we’re practically neighbors!  I can’t wait until we hang out at your house a lot.  ;)
I admire the relationship that you have with your husband, and how you care for him, in the midst of all of your activity. 
 
You are a great conversationalist and a great road trip companion!  
Thanks for enduring the car rides with me and being a great ear!   I appreciate all of your insights and thoughtful remarks when I’ve vented about family, friends and kids.    I suppose that you can now add “car therapist” to your resume.

You are cool, calm and refreshing.  (Except at the Howard Johnson.  I’m glad I missed that)
Thanks for being you!  I’m blessed to know you.

dear friend,

You’ve probably been my friend the longest.  Like we’ve said, I have no idea when we actually met.  

I vaguely remember you and your mom at Perrymont, the fence that opened into your backyard, and those days of roller skating and running free in the neighborhoods.    High school… but mainly youth group at Chestnut Hill.    Always lots of laughter.  You have a smile that no one can forget…. Not even me.

You were my friend in my “previous” life and you stuck by me through some really dark moments.    You’ve been a great support of my “new” life as well.  You welcomed Greg with open arms into our establishment. 
 You’ve seen me in all stages of life.   Young, dumb, married, kids, death, widowed, dating, lonely, busy, crippled on the couch, through surgeries, parties, funerals.     You’ve been a staple in my life and I appreciate how you just won’t go away.  

You saved my sanity when I was nursing babies….taking me out on the town for just a bit… meant so much!   You kept me company when I was widowed…. SO many games of Scrabble and television shows. Too many friend events and road trips to count.   
And you stood by me as I raised my wild boys, always so supportive of my single mom shenanigans.

Thank you for always showing up, even when you don’t feel like it.  Thank you for encouraging me, supporting me, making fun of me, and making me laugh.   You’re so very special to me!  

You are a great blessing in my life.

dear friend,

I assume we met at band camp, freshman year.  Our friend groups collided and I was happy when you made our church youth group your own. 
It’s been a long time since then!  

I can remember visiting you at college, wedding showers, baby showers, weddings, lots of moving around and lots of catching up when we can.   
The girls’ weekends at your house…. before you had kids…. And the hours of TV marathons we would watch!  
Yes!… the dresses!

Now that you have your own kids… I love that we continue our adventures and make a point to get-together.    You are always first in mind when I think about girls’ weekends!  Lots of shopping, eating, hanging out.
We have watched each other from afar as we navigated kids and day-to-day, but it has been a pleasure to see God unfold a great plan for you and your family! 

I love our time together.   Even though we don’t communicate on a daily basis, I love that we can pick up where we left off, every time.    I love to hear your updates and catch up on life when we get together. Your calm strength is refreshing and you have a good humor about life.    You have been a staple in my life for a long time.   I treasure that you have been my friend since high school and have stood the test of time.   Thank you for being a part of my story.   You are a blessing!

dear friend,

It must have been a God ordained moment for us to meet at Funquest.  (Knowing that our husbands had discussed getting the families together, and it never happened)…   So Funquest!   Who would have guessed?!  Apparently we hit it off.   
I’m murky on the in-between details but it seems like you’ve always been around.
You are a staple for our Sunday nights and a willing participant for mostly anything except those public drinks and group games.

We’ve had many conversations over the years….sharing many thoughts, struggles and “secrets”.   I’m glad that you are part of my tribe.   It’s nice to know that there is no topic left unturned when we’re all together…. except you’d clearly like to avoid talking about teeth.   Underwear over teeth any day.

Thank you for giving me a fresh perspective on many things.   You always reach to find a positive in every situation.    I sometimes sit in awe at how you can take a terrible thought or situation and give it a positive twist.    You strive to see the best in people as well.     Your self-proclaimed savior complex has been neat to watch in action.   You are very generous with your time, talents and resources.

Thank you for always hosting the fab pool parties and encouraging the summer get-togethers.    I enjoy the poolside chats and summer fun. 
Even though you are a “big deal” I love the way that you can get along with all types of people.   I love that you choose our little group.  Thanks for being a part of it all.   You’re a blessing.

dear friend,

You joined us at Kids’ Haven and quickly became a special person in my life.  
Through the support group, our widow’s group, our Lifegroup -- I am glad that you walked alongside me for many years.  
You were part of such an intricate support system that God provided.  I’m not sure how I would have handled my tragedy without having you and the others in my life.

I appreciate your deep empathy and your common sense advice for people going through all types of struggles.     
I can recall people in our groups facing problems and you would know exactly what questions to ask.   You are a thoughtful listener and you offer great advice and encouragement.
I love your no-nonsense approach to life.    You are bold and honest.

Your continued involvement with Kids’ Haven and your voice for the AFSP really warms my heart.   It is so special to see you blessing others and bringing awareness.    Your journey is painful, yet powerful, and I hope that you continue to use your experiences to help others.

Our kids were so young when we met…. And now they are close to adulthood!  You’ve done a great job as a solo parent.  I’m proud of you… and your kids.  There is a bright future ahead!

Life has caused our time together to be lessened over the past few years, but please know you are always one of my favorites.      I’m so glad you have been a part of my story.   You are a blessing.

dear friend

I think I've been bragging on my friends for years!   It's a common thing for me to talk about my friends.  Especially how friends are the people who will most likely be around long after husbands and family are gone.
(Family is great.  I have a wonderful family.   My sisters are awesome... and they are my good friends by default. )
But other friends?....  are the people who actually choose to be around you.  That is a special gift.

Last month I attended a women's event and was inspired to host a get-together to honor my lifelong/special friends.   
Kind of a silly story.... but it turns out that I invented "Galentine's Day"....never mind the fact that it was already a thing that I didn't know about.  Go figure.

In preparation for my Galentine's event,  I decided to write a letter to each friend.    I would seclude myself each evening, and tell Greg I was writing my "love letters".    I worked on one letter each day, with one friend in mind, over the course of two weeks.  It was actually a special time as I considered how each friend has impacted my life. 

I read the letters out loud at the party..... and it turns out that I'm afraid of public speaking even with an audience of my close friends!   

I plan to share these letters, names excluded, for the next 12 days.   Valentine's week seems like a good week for me to share my mushiness.
I marvel at how different all of these women are and how they have each enriched my life in specific, tangible ways.    I could brag on them for.ev.er.  I am one blessed girl!

uncluttered

I have written about the impact of my environment on my emotional state for years. 

Many years ago, I correlated my mood with the condition of my house.     And thus began my journey into minimalism.... that I didn't really realize was "minimalism" until the movement presented itself to me in more recent years.

The process/art of downsizing has always fascinated me.  I'm not a sentimental person.... so purging is a rewarding hobby of sorts.

When we combined two houses and moved in December of 2017 I was able to part with tons of things that would be unnecessary in my "new life".
Now that we have been in this house for a year, I knew that I wanted to start going room by room and reevaluating what items were necessary going forward.

It just so happened that one of my favorite minimalist authors released a book last month, The Minimalist Home.    The book is a room-by-room guide to decluttering.   So Perfect!  It's been a reminder and encouragement to continue what I'm doing.

I'm almost done reading the book and I've almost re-evaluated all the spaces in our house.  

I think the kitchen is on the agenda this week and the garage will be pending until warmer weather. 

Greg and I  most recently tackled our clothes closets and dresser drawers.   We gathered a large bag of clothing to donate and everything was organized nicely.   

Whenever I clean out a closet or drawer, I find myself going back to admire my work several times. :) It's such a great feeling!

This past weekend, we had completed our tasks and I sat down to watch Netflix.   

Lo and Behold! I saw that Netflix has an original series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.   

Well, well, well.   Doesn't that just feed my fire?    After one episode, I was up in my room refolding all of the clothes I had just organized.    

Her folding game is a life changer!  I will never look at my underwear in the same way again.   

I'm hooked.

Although Marie's "tidying" differs slightly from "minimalism", I am gathering some good ideas that enhance my goals.
I'm feeling lighter each day! 

two on wheels

The milestone is upon us where both of my boys are on wheels.   

Lucas drove the commute to school this morning on his own, and I must admit I was a bit nervous. That one has a lead foot.
The eldest thinks that he owns a super car, hence his car is currently in the shop.

Having kids on wheels is great!   They can transport themselves to work, to social things, to the store.
 Lucas has been on his own, technically, for two days.... and he announced that he was going to the library this afternoon. 
What?!   (I'm pretty sure he parked at the library to play 'Pokemon Go')  ;)
But.... he went! Out of his room!

Thus begins a new era in our household.

It's obvious that we raise our kids up and hope they make the right decisions as adults.   But I realized in more recent years that we raise our kids up in hopes that they make the right decision once they have wheels.  THAT is the moment that you send your kids out in the world and PRAY that they don't end up making horrible decisions or end up dead.   
Once they leave my door, I can only pray that God places some angels around them.   And in the case of my kids..... they need an army of angels!

The lesson here:  those of you who think you have until the age of 18 to mold your babies.....Think again. 
It's 16.
May I also remind you:  Male brains don't fully develop until the age of 25.
You can do the math here.

I'm not a worrier by nature.   I know that my thoughts and fears can not, and will not, affect an outcome.   I don't sit at home and bite my nails while the boys are out.   
I try not to imagine worst case scenarios.  (I live with a man that does that for me) ;)
I can only assume that they are OK.  (I'm fully aware that they could be doing some dumb stuff!)
Honestly, I know that I'll get a knock at the door if something terrible happens.  I've been there.

At the end of the day, I'm just relieved once we are all home and safe in our beds.   
I'm relishing the fact that they are still under my roof for a short time.  I'll take what I can get.

small changes

It's January.   No time for the usual "new year, new you" jargon. 
I just need to make the changes.    Small changes.  Things I've neglected.  Things I know better about.  Things that would make me happy.
I don't call these resolutions.... but whatev.

1.  The weight.
I am crushed having to blog about this again. and again, and again. 

I happened to read a post from January 2017.... where I had "lost the weight".  All high and mighty.  I had found the key. I had reached my goal. 
Well, crap all over that.
Over the last two years, I've gained back 20 pounds +/-.
Turns out that weight will always be a struggle for me. 
So.... I need to get serious again.
Small changes.

2. Writing.

I don't consider myself a writer... but I have always enjoyed blogging.   Last June, I declared that I wanted to write a book.   Someone recommended a writing coach.  I set out to look back through all of my blog posts. 
Well..... I haven't done anything.
I'm going to challenge myself* to break out this laptop, hopefully once a week or so, and just blog about life again.   
Small changes.


*challenge accepted, hence this post

one year

Well, technically, one year and almost two months.   
I  have habitually blogged on anniversary dates... yet I procrastinated on this very special anniversary. 

Greg and I celebrated our 1st anniversary on July 31st. 
To celebrate, he arranged a trip for us to visit a cutsie zoo in NC that we had been watching on TV.
It was a great get-away.

One year of marriage.

It has been a full year.   We bought a house, moved, settled in, tended to all of the "money pit" issues that arose (and there were MANY.  The house in itself has been such a blessing, and a headache.)
The boys are settled in to their school and work routines.   Things are currently going smoothly.

I've jokingly/truthfully admitted that the honeymoon is over. 
I have been challenged this year.  I am relearning how to be accountable to another person.   Greg has been tolerant of my "I do what I want" attitude.   Because frankly, "I do what I want". 
And I think he's learning how to live with a woman who can be out of control at times. 
He has been gracious. 
Also, I think the graciousness might go both ways at times.  :)

This year has been full of laughter, snarkiness, sarcasm, traveling, working, playing, pool maintenance, swimming, hosting friends, celebrations, eating out, cooking in, watching TV,  and lots of yard work.   
We have a fine dose of reality here.   
Ultimately a large bounty of blessings as well.

Yesterday I referenced Greg in a meeting by saying, "I guess he's been pretty good for me." 
We chuckled at how flippant that sounded.
In actuality, Greg has been exactly what I needed.   He is a good man, a great provider and a wonderful addition to our family.    I know he will be my rock and my companion for however many years we have ahead of us.
I often get carried away with mundane and the irritations of life and I sometimes lose sight of just how important Greg is to me.    The gift of a husband should never be taken for granted. 
I, of all people, should remember that.   (And shame on me for losing sight of that at times!)
The other night I looked over, saw his wedding ring, and thought to myself, "he chose me.  How very lucky I am. Don't forget how much this means."

One year of marriage in the books.   
The starting over, the learning, the growing.   I know the best is yet to come.

I love you, Greg.

a decade

August 16th marked 10 years without Thayer.   The date came and went. 
Our family gathered for a birthday swim and dinner, on what would have been Thayer's 48th birthday, on August 19th. 
(I joked that even death can't stop a son-in-law from having a Gowell birthday party.) :)
The death anniversary and birthday week went by unnoticed by most people.  However I think my body always subconsciously knows.... and I was kind of a wreck under my skin for about a week.

10 years.  That's a decade.   I didn't piece that together until my friend Jennifer noted that her fiance had also been gone for a decade.     I keep saying that I knew Thayer a lifetime ago.  It sure feels that way.

This week we were notified of the unexpected death of Scott Baker, our former worship leader and Thayer's friend from years ago. 
Considering I didn't know Scott very well on a personal basis, I was actually surprised that the news of his death has rattled me. Since the news I have spiraled back in time..... and it does feel like a lifetime ago.    I find myself grieving for Scott's people, re-grieving Thayer's death, and ultimately grieving the past that was literally decades ago.

Thayer was involved with Grace Church when I came upon the scene in 1997.  Scott was the worship leader during that time.   I recall how Scott's original music and the worship team's style and presentation were instrumental in our early relationship and early years of our marriage.  The songs were rich and impactful, and were an integral part of our spiritual growth as a couple.  I can recall having those songs in my head every week.... all week... after a Sunday service.   It's hard to capture in words what a sweet period of time that was at Grace Church.    But those who were there can certainly reminisce. 

I hear Scott was at Thayer's funeral in 2008.  And I do vaguely remember him there amidst my fog.
And here we are 10  years later and I'm following posts online about Scott's funeral.  Those precious people from Grace are saying goodbye to yet another one gone too soon.

I cried on my way to work yesterday as I envisioned how Thayer would react to happening upon Scott in heaven.  I know he will be ecstatic.  What a reunion. 
If Scott needs a sound guy in heaven.... I know a good one.   :)

the end of an era

The cat who has caused me so much heartache over the past few years..... has been missing for five weeks.    She disappeared on Saturday, June 16th after hanging out in the yard with me that morning.   We were even tickled that she approached Greg while he spoke to her from our bathroom window.     
Perhaps she was saying her goodbyes that morning. Who knows.

Last photo evidence of Blueberry taken the morning of June16, 2018

Her disappearance was honestly a very bittersweet thing.   The not knowing of her circumstances is the worst part.   Did she just go off to die?  Was she eaten?   Did she suffer?  Did a neighbor down the road take her in, thinking she was a stray?  Will we see her on someone's porch a month from now?  

I have jokingly said that I will write a children's book,  What Happened to Blueberry?

Maybe she fought to the death when a large eagle swooped down and took her away.

Perhaps she was taken in by a pack of wolves to be raised as their own.

Maybe she jumped a train and joined the circus.

At the end... "What do YOU think happened to Blueberry?"

 

Lucas has high hopes that she just found some other suckers to feed her.... who may also treat her diabetes.... and she'll live another 10 years in the lap of luxury.

I, on the otherhand, figure that she has long been taken back into the earth from whence she came.

see!  I DO have a heart.   I bought this as her memorial stone...

With the saddness of the unknown, there was a bit of relief for me as well.  I had always kind of hoped that she would just pass away on her own.  The thought of putting her down at the vet always filled me with dread.   The end of life decisions are gut wrenching.... and I had already gone down that thought process with her TWICE before.....and yet she pulled herself together each time. 

I am actually hesitant to type this post, almost in fear that she'll show up on our porch tomorrow.... just because that's the type of thing she would do to me.   punk.

This past week was the first time in Eighteen (18!) years that I did not have to secure a pet sitter while we were gone on a family vacation.    That was very nice.    But it was also the first time in 18 years that we didn't have a pet at home waiting for our return. 
The doorways have been vacant and lonely.

a new goal

When I said that I wanted to start blogging again, my friend jokingly narrated what my blog would read like: 

Summer, Day 27.

 2:40pm.  

Floating in pool.

No joke.  That's what my last few days have been like.   

No hating please.

My "material" for blogging is rather dry these days unless it would be couth to blog about how I watched the cat eat an entire rabbit the other day.   Or about how the cat has been missing for over 24 hours.... and I have very mixed emotions about it.

I read somewhere that writers are only able to write if they are proficient in reading.... so I've read a couple of books lately.   Reading is not really my go-to, but once I start- I usually dig it.    

This week, I tore through the book Girl, Wash Your Face.    In a nut shell... it was a straight shooting self-help type book that gave me encouragement to stop making excuses, be more confident and DO life for myself.    I can estimate that the "high" from this book will last about a week and then I'll fall back into my routine.     So before that happens, I was instructed by the author to physically write down my goal/dream.   

Here goes:

(deep breath)

I want to write a book.

Oh goodness.  That is a terrifying sentence.  Like nausea terrifying.    This could take ages.... and usually every ounce of me says that it would be impossible.  Absurd.

However.... this week, I started pondering through the legit steps I would want to take in order to even consider such a feat.   

1. Quit my job to write full time.

2. Build a nifty writing bungalow out back.

I obviously don't know the proper way to start a book.   But I'm going to push myself to do some "research" as I press ahead with this crazy dream.   

 Today, I'm setting my summer goal: to read through all of my past blog posts.

I know it will be baby steps from there.   I've always said "one day" I'll think about writing a book, or "maybe when I retire" I'll write a book.   The truth is.... if I don't think about it now.... it may never happen. 
So....it begins...

my confession

I haven't uttered these thoughts to anyone, but I've been wanting to share for days.

As I have testified, my current life is overflowing with blessings.   The past months have been so full!  New marriage, new-ish job, new house, new beginnings, etc. etc.    Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for his provisions. 

But here's the kicker, y'all! : For the past few months...at the end of the day.... I have been...unhappy.

I've known deep in my heart that my unhappiness is the fact that I have been slowly letting go of my grip on Jesus.     And my prayer for several months has been, "Lord... give me a desire for You."

You see...with all of the new, all of the excitement... My focus changed.  With so many blessings came so many distractions. 
My heart and mind know that Jesus HAS to be the focus.... but I shifted my eyes... just for a second.    And here I found myself with a Jesus sized hole in my heart and an aching for more.
So my simple prayer..... "Give me a desire for You.".

I wanted Jesus back.... but He felt out of arm's reach.  How foolish of me to let go.

 I reflect now about how many times I have blogged about being content.   Content in my circumstances.  Content in my waiting.
 I now know that I was content because I had a death grip on Jesus.  He was my intense focus.   When our eyes are on Jesus, there is joy in ALL circumstances. 

I was distracted by the blessings.... and my contentment dissipated.

I'm here to preach because I've finally witnessed this first hand:
There is no amount of husband, house, job, children, money, friends or family that can fill up your heart with joy and contentment the way that Jesus does.  

My simple prayer.... "Give me a desire for You".
God has been answering this prayer boldly this week.    Little things have shifted my focus and I've found that Jesus was right here, arms open.  It's kinda like falling in love with Him all over again, yet we're picking up right where we left off.

Lord, fix my eyes on you.

this year

At the end of this year I am considering what to reflect on.    This year has been full.  Full of memories and full of "new".   

We grieved the death of Grandma Botham.   

We have grieved the cat that won't actually die.    

We  have traveled.   We have worked.  We I have cried.   We have celebrated.

Greg and I were engaged.  Greg and I were married.  The boys gained a step-dad.  I gained a step-daughter.  

We finally got that "house in the country" that I've been dreaming about for years.    

It's almost like our little life got wrapped up in  a pretty bow this year.

I really haven't had too much time to let that thought sink in. (But wow... Thank you, God!)

The month of December was packed full with prepping and cleaning at the new house.   The movers moved us in on December 15th.   We were pretty much unpacked and settled before Christmas.   It's been busy, yet so rewarding.   It's been fun, and exhausting, making this house a home.

As I journeyed to our house on moving day.... I was admiring the countryside and it hit me that "this is what I've been waiting for".   I actually had tears of joy as I thanked God for bringing me to this point.   The new husband, the new house, a new beginning for our family.  It's still kind of surreal.

The last few months have not been easy....Seriously... not easy...at all.... but I'm hopeful and excited about the future.

I absolutely love our new place.   It's just far enough in the country to feel like it's country.... but it's only 20-30 minutes from where we need to be in town.   Better yet.... we are only 5 minutes to the nearest grocery store, post office, gas station, and several restaurants.   The location is perfect.

We have 3.5 acres and a swimming pool.    The acreage was on my wish list (though I had always wanted more.... this is pretty perfect).  And the pool was on Greg's wish list (but I assume we will all  benefit).   

In the new year, I'm excited to see what the four seasons will bring to our home.   I have visions of get-togethers, campfires, camping, swimming, game nights. 

2018.... here we come!

another entirely too long post about the cat

The cat.   She was diagnosed to probably have diabetes last Feburary.  At the time, she wasn't eating, and I was told that I would probably have to put her down in a few weeks.  I grieved, I cried, I wept.  She was pretty much in the grave and I was counting our last days with her.  Seriously people....I have mourned this cat!
Then... she started eating.   I started a high protein diet recommended by the vet.   Three cans of the fancy stuff a day.    $45 a month to feed a 5 pound cat.   
Over the past months, there have been three times that she had a 'set-back' in which I planned to "give her a few more days, and then I'll make the appointment to put her down".  I grieved again... hating to make end of life decisions.  EACH TIME.... she started eating again.   And EACH TIME she started another cat life... and seemed to get more mentally crazy each go-round. 
To make matters escalate, her appetite became so insatiable that she bummed food off of the neighbors and even ate the food intended for other neighborhood cats.    I really have no idea how much food she consumed each day. .... until we moved.     (and now we're having to supplement with tons of dry food.... because she is CRAZY.)
 We've got the new house (which I'll write about soon) with tons of land for her to roam.     She has been an outdoor cat for months.... and it's been a challenge to keep her inside during these cold winter nights.  I am eager to get her transitioned and back outside during the days.
To transition homes properly, we kept her inside for several days, then Lucas assisted her with walks around the property.  After she got her bearings we allowed her outside on her own. 
The first day unattended she was gone adventuring for HOURS... and Greg was determined that she was dead.   (I figured we wouldn't be that lucky.)
(My friends say that I'm so cold hearted towards the cat..... and I am outwardly.... but let's keep in mind that we do EVERYTHING right by this cat.)
Yesterday, a van pulled into our driveway as we arrived home.  It was our new next door neighbor, who introduced herself and then asked us if we have a cat.   I was SOoooo expecting for her to inform us that the cat had been hit by a car. 
BUT.... she said, "It's in our house and won't leave".
You have got to be kidding me!
Blueberry had made her way through their doggy door and was chased Grand Prix style by the three resident dogs... through the neighbors house!    She ended up on the back of a chair and wouldn't budge. 
The neighbors were good sports about it... but this has thrown a major kink in everyone's routine.
Blueberry is "grounded" for a few days until we can figure out what to do with her.    She needs to be outdoors.... but we can't allow her to surprise the neighbors again.   I REALLY hope the run-in with the dogs will deter her from entering their home again.
Just when I thought things were getting settled, I feel like the cat is holding us hostage.     This cat will be the end of my sanity at some point. 
I've known since February that our time is short with her.   (or so we think).
And I know that when she's gone that there will be tears.   (mostly tears of relief). 
I've never owned an animal that has caused so much drama.     Blueberry is certainly one of kind.

Photo cred to the new neighbor. 
 This appears to have been taken shortly after the chase.   Look at how big her tail is!!