social

The boys and I just finished watching Goosebumps .     Which is a movie based on R.L. Stine and his frightful characters that inhabit his kid friendly,  yet scary, books.
The movie was much more suspenseful than I had imagined to accompany a PG rating.   Overall I thought it was a fun film that probably should have gotten more publicity.
Anywho.  
Watching a story about a writer reminded me that I haven't written anything in quite a while.

The month of December I wallowed in introspection about my social life and grumbled to observe that I am the social director of my circle of friends.   If I don't plan it... it doesn't happen.    I teetered back and forth with agitation and loneliness and then gave in to the fact that..... as my friends later put it... I am the "sun".    Apparently everyone orbits around me.    Ha.
I can either fall apart under the weight of that responsibility, or I can become vain enough to realize that I am the center.
I laugh.

Through it all I've reevaluated some relationships and it's been a good process.

After an entire month of non-hosting and non-planning, and non-socializing, I jumped back in a few weeks ago.   It was a slow sunrise.  (hehehe)..... but I've decided that being a hermit doesn't suit me.

This week, we've been reveling in snow days, home from work and school.     I had two friends and their boys spend two nights at our house.    A snowed-in sleepover has kinda become our yearly tradition.    We have a blast, until we don't, and everyone goes home.     I really do love having company.
Today, when everyone left, my boys and I resumed our quiet routine of video gaming and Netflixing. It was a nice transition as we anticipate going back to reality later this week.

another year in the books

It's 10:55am on the first day of 2016 and I'm just rolling out of bed.   Not that I attended a rad party last night.   I stayed up late reading old blog posts and being irritated at my kids.   Those things are apparently exhausting.

At 11:40pm last night I decided to read through my blog posts from 2015.   There weren't very many posts and I was finishing up as I rang in the new year, alone in my kitchen.  
I had waited all day for the boys and I to go through our "memory jar" that I had been working on all year.   I had been recording events all year in hopes to read through them on New Year's Eve with my boys.    Little did I realize that this was not a priority for them. At. all.

What I realized by reading through my blog is that 2015 was, thankfully, uneventful... in a good way.
It was going to be my year to dive into minimalism and to shed my extra weight.
I only partially accomplished those things.    But I guess some progress is better than none.  
As the year officially closed, I had rid my house of at least 775 things and I had dropped 20 pounds.
The final weight loss was disappointing overall because of ups and downs in weight and motivation.

Also, looking back, I realized that a recurring topic was the illness of Mr. Q.   I had no idea that his illness consumed much of my time and thoughts during 2015.   It was just life at the time.
We said goodbye to Mr. Q, and Granny, this past fall.
It was their time. There were many tears shed, but also a relief on some levels.

Last year at this time, I was waiting for my kitchen to be completed.... and as of today, my bathrooms are also new!   That's a pretty productive year on the house front.   I think I'm able to say that I'm "done" with fixing-up at this point.   And that is a relief as well.

I had claimed 2014 as my year.   And I had claimed 2015 my year too.     And honestly.... they were okay.   They were filled with all the good stuff:  health, family, friends.
But being realistic... I'm not gonna claim 2016.   We'll just see what plays out.
I hope it's a good one.

back in the game

It's been a crazy month.   This is the second night at home after spending 20 days at my parent's house.   (That's no typo.... 20 days).

I've been 'off of my game' since the weekend of Thanksgiving.  

Rewind to the Granny's memorial service which was held the Saturday after Thanksgiving.   We welcomed family to town, and enjoyed meeting a few new faces.
I was asked to read part of my previous blog post at the service.   (and since I'm terrified of public speaking... it went as expected.... shaky voice and all... )   I was honored to share my memories of Granny.   And the memorial was very nice.   I think Granny would have been pleased.

The boys and I were thrilled to spend some time with Thad that Sunday.   We finally hiked Devil's Marble yard.   Well.... technically.... I hiked to Devil's Marble yard and then the boys and Thad proceeded to climb all of those scary boulders.     I apparently have maintained my fear of climbing and my fear of falling.    I was content to sit on a boulder while the boys explored.      (I swear that I heard the cry of a Sasquatch while I was hanging out, but no one believed me).
Anywho.

Dark and early on Monday morning I took Thad to the airport and then proceeded to move out of the house.   

My contractor came to demo both of my bathrooms.      

I had been planning the bathroom renovation and was excited to get 'em done!
The "7-10" day project didn't go quite as planned.    I am beyond grateful to my parents who let us stay with them for the majority of a month!  That is a BIG deal!   Soooo thankful!!

During the extended stay, I realized that I was getting stressed out about things beyond my control.   The tiny details of the bathrooms started to grate at me.     I made realizations that I would do things diffferently if I had to do it again.      

And at the same time I would tell myself that this is SO much a "first world problem".    How dare I freak out about getting new bathrooms?!  How shallow and pathetic.     How many people have the luxury to get new bathrooms?     Reality check, Jill!
I was also freaking out about getting the bathrooms done in time to host two parties on December 20th.    I was freaking out about having to clean the construction dust, paint, clean, AND decorate for Christmas.   My whole month felt like it was spinning out of control.

Then.... my friend posted a very convincing facebook post that reminded me about Christmas.   The real reason.  Jesus.  
Slow down.   Stop freaking out.

In one of my moments of reflection I thought about how Mary, the mother of Jesus, was away from home when she had a baby!   Talk about confusion and stress.   I can imagine that poor girl was 'off her game' when Jesus was born.... being away from home and dealing with labor and a newborn.    whew!
(and then a part of me gets jealous that she had Joseph to help her.  lucky her.)
The thing is.... as soon as Jesus arrived the earth sighed and Mary's perspective shifted.   That baby, Jesus, became the main focus of her life and nothing else mattered.

That's what I tell myself.     "Jesus... top priority."

And yet, today, I found myself getting panicky about shower heads.  Seriously.    crazy.   get a grip.

Tomorrow is a new day.
I'm slowly getting back in my game.   It's been nice settling  in at home and I'm officially beginning my Christmas vacation from work.... so it's all good.

Merry Christmas!

Granny

I met her in November of 1997.    It just so happened that the guy I knew that I was going to marry lived with his grandparents, Elmer and Marie.     Marie was introduced to me as "Granny".

In April of 1999 "Granny" became my Grandmother-in-law.... but in reality, she was the only "mother- in-law" I would know.    She had raised Thayer from the age of 13.     The fact that she had taken in two boys, after raising her own kids, made her a saint in my eyes.   (not to omit the fact that Thayer's paternal grandparents also had an earlier role.)    
Thayer's Grandparents helped to build a solid foundation on which Thayer and his brother became the men that God intended them to be.   And I am thankful for their investment.

Granny embraced me as a granddaughter, and spoiled Thayer and I with frequent home cooked meals during our first year of marriage.    The weekly meals and fellowship continued when my babies were born.  
As great-grandparents the Jantzes became known "Papa and Granny Jantz".
Papa and Granny would frequent our family events.   I remember taking them to the park for a play date and picnic when my kids were young.

Granny spent a lot of time in the kitchen.  A lot.   She introduced me to swiss chard, rhubarb, her famous cranberry salad, her standard ham with pineapple, and a plethora of pies.   My favorite was her apple pie, yet interestingly... her favorite seemed to be Marie Callendar's Razzleberry pie.   :)

The Jantzes were gardening geniuses.   They had a prestinely landscaped yard.   They grew a ton of veggies and wasted not.   Granny canned and canned and canned.   Thayer and I never had a shortage of green beans or jelly.   Crab apple jelly was always on hand... and quite tasty.

As the Jantzes aged, the garden and yard became too much for them to handle on their own.   Thayer would take care of the yard work.    And it was a somber day when grass was planted over the garden.

Granny was the extreme example of someone with a servant's heart.   She would bend over backwards to serve, help, encourage and love on people.   It's been rumored that she never complained.   And I believe it.  I never witnessed her complain about anything.
She was a very loving and submissive wife.   I can still hear Elmer say, "Marie!" and she would run to his side.   She was patient and kind.

In 2004 Thayer's job took us to another city.   Thayer would return to help with the yard.
At some point, early 2006, our visits became very frequent because Papa Jantz was battling cancer and we knew his time was short.    Granny was running herself ragged taking care of him.   Best nurse ever.... though her own body was growing weak and the physical labor was taking a toll on her.
As hospice came in, she still cared for that man until his last breath.

One of the most precious memories I have is sitting with Granny all night, on Elmer's last night.   I had never been on death watch before and our conversation topics were very interesting, to say the least.    Being with Granny while Elmer passed is one of my most vivid memories.
She was darling.
(As age stole Granny's memories, she had no recollection that I was with her that night.  But it's a memory I hope to keep.)  

After Elmer's death, she moved out of state with her son and daughter-in-law.   Our visits were less frequent.   Maybe twice a year while Thayer was alive.   I kept that up for a few years and then our visits tapered off to once a year, these past few years.

Over the past several years age had stolen Granny's ability to cook and to remember certain things.
I recall one time when we were visiting and her prided pies didn't turn out "quite like they were supposed to".  It was obvious that she was loosing her "touch" and I could see the concern in her eyes.

A few years ago Granny came to stay with us for several days.    I remember how excited she would get as she watched her baseball.   She personally knew her Braves.  And come to think of it... the only time I ever saw her get a little cranky was when she realized that I didn't have ESPN.    
During that visit, the reality of her age, her physical, and her mental limitations hit me.     I started to understand the care and dedication that her son and daughter-in-law were exhibiting on a daily basis.

The last few times that I visited with Granny, her memory was hazy.... but she would talk at length about how she had met Elmer.   He had come to work on her family farm and had taken an interest in her.    I wish I had documented the details... because those things... she remembered vividly.
She had a "young" picture of him in her room and she would point out how good lookin' he was.  :)

Upon jogging her memory, she would tell me about being a seamstress and about how she would sew costumes for plays at the university.  
Her long term memory was very selective.    Other major events, she didn't recall, or didn't want to discuss.    For instance... I think I had heard that she once had brain surgery...??  But she didn't seem to remember that.
She lived a long, full, heartbreaking, joyful life.   From my perspective I see that she endured so much heartache over her 93 years....yet she was still joyful.     I know her faith in Jesus carried her through.

The last time we visited Granny, (last November).... I remember thinking that it might be the last time we see her.    It was.
Granny went to be with Jesus, and a slew of family members... and friends, on Monday.
I know she was ready.... but she will be missed.
I am thankful for her life and her impact on our family.

Photos from Granny's 90th birthday, 2012.

a short story about a cat

Once upon a time there was a young couple who were expecting a baby.   One night early in the pregnancy, the hormonal wife was in tears.  She was telling the husband that she didn’t have any friends.    The husband left that evening and came back with…. A cat. 
The wife cried again because she didn’t have a clue what they were supposed to do with a cat in a small rental house.  Where would they put the litter box? 
After some convincing from the husband the cat was allowed to stay.   And that night, Q-tip became part of the family.

January 2000

Q-tip had seen the husband before.    Months prior, the husband had visited a family friend who had new kittens.   Q-tip was fuzzy and cute, and had caught the attention of the man.     Thankfully when the husband went looking for a “friend”, Q-tip was still available for adoption.

Q-tip quickly adjusted to living in the small home with the couple.  
Almost right away the couple agreed that Q-tip was not a manly enough name for such a cool male cat.      The “tip” was dropped and he was known simply as “Q”.

Q was young and playful.   The husband taught him tricks and roughhoused with him.    The couple joked about how Q was very much like a dog.   He would play fetch with small toy mice.   He would retrieve the mice and bring them back…. Every time.     Q was top-dog of the house.   He would hang around inside and sit outside and soak up sun.

Several months passed and Q was packed up and taken to a new house, just a few miles away.   He adjusted quickly to the new house and was glad to spend time with the couple.  The house was older, larger, and had large windows that gave puddles of sunshine for him to bathe in.   

One day, out of the blue, the couple brought home a small baby.   Q was curious about the new addition to the family but he welcomed the little boy and they became instant buddies.      Q hung out with the baby and the wife during the day and welcomed the husband home in the evenings.   

The husband had a fish aquarium that was stocked with many fish to watch.   He would hang around the house and sit outside and soak up the sun.

Two years passed.   The baby had grown into an active toddler.   He and the boy were good friends.   Q was still like a dog.   He would play games and entertain the toddler.
And then, out of the blue, the couple brought home another small baby.   Q welcomed the new baby and they, too, were instant friends.   Q was great around the little boys.   He tolerated all of the love that they had to offer.    

His days were full of playing with the boys, hanging around the house and sitting outside in the sunshine.

It came time for the family to move to another city.    Q was packed up and driven over an hour from home.     He arrived in tiny rental house that was nice and tidy.      He adjusted quickly and enjoyed keeping the family company.

At some point in the first few years…. No one remembers the actual date…. The couple decided that Q had matured.    They decided that “Mr. Q” would be a more fitting name for such a cat.     He was quite a character.    Mr. Q never met a stranger and he always enjoyed welcoming family and friends to the house.

Just six short months later, Mr. Q was packed up…. Again… and taken to a new house about 20 minutes away.     He was not thrilled about the car ride and he urinated all over the husband and the truck while they were in route.  
Mr. Q took his first, and only, shower that night after arriving at the new house.     Needless to say… he was not too thrilled about getting sprayed with water!
Thankfully he the survived shock and awe of the move.
The family of four, and Mr. Q adjusted quickly to the new house and a new, big yard.     Mr. Q enjoyed playing with the boys, hanging around the house and sitting in the sunshine.

For three years, the family and Mr. Q lived in the house with the big yard.   They were happy and made several friends who spent a lot of time at the house.   Mr. Q made friends with an older couple who lived in the house next to his.    He was often found visiting with the neighbors and even enjoyed naps in their house!  

 

The time came for the family to move again, back to their home city.   Mr. Q was packed up and taken on another long ride.     He arrived at a small brick house, similar to the one he had just left.      Mr. Q adjusted quickly, because he knew that he was ‘home’ with the husband, wife and boys.    He kept the boys company, often sleeping curled up on their beds at night.    

One October night, just a few short months after moving to the new house, Mr. Q was outside minding his own business…when a neighbor’s dogs came charging over and chased him up a tree.    The event was obviously terrifying for Mr. Q.    The scare of the dogs kept him inside for almost three years!!    He was getting older and the couple assumed that he was simply becoming an indoor cat.

The following August, there was a night that the husband didn’t come home.    The house was instantly filled with friends that Mr. Q knew… and many other people he didn’t.    In the days to follow, Mr. Q was lost in the shuffle during the day but then was a constant companion at night, often sitting and listening as the wife and boys confided in him with their tears.      

The husband never returned.    The wife and boys remained, and their friends were always around.     Mr. Q became accustomed to having neighbor friends at the house as well as the wife’s friends, who would come and talk for hours and hours.

Mr. Q was always welcoming old and new friends to the house.    He had quite a knack of knowing who was allergic to cats.   The allergic guests were the ones he seemed to like the best. 

It appeared that Mr. Q was getting older and the wife assumed that he had become an indoor cat, after the dog incident.    But surprisingly, almost two years later…. Mr. Q ventured outside!    He would make his rounds outside and then sit and enjoy the sunshine.         The spring and summer months were his favorites.   Once the cold weather hit, he preferred staying inside where it was warm.    The wife assumed that his old bones were affected by the weather just like human bones so she made sure he was warm and cozy during the cold months.

2010

One warm summer day, the wife and boys brought home…. A cat!     It took months for Mr. Q to accept the new cat as a member of the family.   It was a girl cat, much younger than he.    

August 2011

After Mr. Q got used to the idea of her being around, he was very tolerant of her attention.     The girl cat was never as dog-like as Mr. Q, but he grew to enjoy her company.   Every so often the wife and boys would discover the two cats cuddled up napping next to each other.   Other times, Mr. Q would show his authority and have stare downs and swatting contests with the young cat.    He was always prepared to defend his rank in the home.

For almost four years the three people and two cats lived happily in the house together.   

The cats would eat meals together, make their rounds outside, and sit in the sunshine.     They even got in the habit of napping indoors while the people were away and then venturing outside until dark.

The two cats were often bribed to cross the street and visit with neighbours who enjoyed giving them treats and attention.   
When his family would go out of town, family and neighbor friends would care for the cats.
As far as cat lives go, they were loved and spoiled rotten.   

 

Somewhere along the line, Mr. Q was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid.   The wife and boys had to give him pills each day to keep things in check.    Mr. Q was super about taking the pills.   The people would smash a pill between two treats and Mr. Q was faithful about taking them.

One day, the wife packed up Mr. Q and took him for a short ride.   These short rides always resulted in a trip to the vet… which Mr. Q hated.     The loveable, friendly Mr. Q who knew no strangers quickly turned into a ‘cat from hell’ whenever he entered the veterinarian’s exam room.     The vet and her technicians didn’t know the cat that the wife and the boys knew.    They knew a cat who had special handling instructions in his file.   He was vicious and they took extra precautions with him during every visit.  
As suspected, during this visit the people confirmed that Mr. Q had cancer.    
Mr. Q obviously didn’t know what that was or what the result would be.
He continued to lounge around the house, be a companion to the family, make his rounds outdoors and sit in the sunshine.

The wife and boys knew that Mr. Q’s time was short.     Mr. Q was suddenly allowed on furniture that had been off-limits for years.     He was living it up.   

March 2015

The people could see how Mr. Q’s body was failing… but Mr. Q still did his normal cat things.    He would pick at the wife’s mattress every morning when it was time for breakfast.    He and the girl cat would circle the wife’s feet at every meal time until they were fed.    They were like a little cat gang, in cahoots with each other.     
The wife and boys still confided in Mr. Q about many things.    He was an important part of the family.

Months passed.  More than anticipated.   But the time had come, and the first day of fall would be Mr. Q’s last day with the family.
He spent the afternoon outside, sitting in the sunshine.     

September 23, 2015

2 pages

I've been wanting to sit and write for days.  I have so many thoughts jumbled up in my brain and no easy way to get them out.
My good ol' Andrew Peterson recently wrote a post about how long it takes to write a book and it was so encouraging to realize that if I were to write TWO pages a day... that would be roughly 700 pages by the end of a year.    When I read that article two weeks ago I thought I could set a goal for myself.
Here I am 14 days later... such a garbled mess.
I should totally write a book.*   And hire someone else to correct all of my horrible grammar.   But then again, I'm not sure a grammatically correct book would represent who I am.
A mess.

The last week or so, I've been going through my own little spiritual renewal of sorts.  
I went to see War Room not really knowing what the movie was about.   Boy... talk about convicting and inspiring wrapped up with a neat bow!   I came out of that movie inspired to be more bold and intentional in my prayer life.
And to top that, I stepped out on my own and attended a Beth Moore Simulcast at a church down the road.    She is a phenomenal speaker who encouraged me to, again, be bold in my faith.
I'm sensing that God wants me to be bold.  To be attentive and be present in the lives of people around me.  That's a tall order..... so I'm simply starting with more intentional prayer.
I'm hoping that the attentiveness will fall into place.

I have thought through much this week.   Thoughts on forgiveness, rebellion, apathy, direction, judgement, choices, hope, contentment, evil.  
Nothing really concrete or blog worthy.  yet.

Two pages a day, he says.
humph.


*said in sarcasm

all around

I'm entering my second week of  'freedom' before I start work.   The boys are settling into school and I'm really enjoying the opportunity for time with friends, day trips, drives in the country.
I know that I'm super spoiled.
I'm enjoying every second.
I have filled every hour, that the boys are in school, with people and activity.   My social tank is overflowing.   I have terrific friends.   It's been fabulous catching up with folks.

At the same time, my heart is heavy for many of my friends this week.   I have heard their stories over the summer.... either in person, via Facebook messages, or over the phone. *

It seems that the past several months, more than ever, people I know are REALLY struggling.   Men and women.  Their jobs, marriages, kids, families.   People I love are broken.   It's hard to witness.

I have heard many stories and listened to how people are coping with their difficulties.   Some are coping well, some are not.  
 For most, all I can do is listen and pray.   Some stories have left me speechless.   And believe it or not, I have cried over a few of you people.   (It seems like my Grinch heart is still growing)  ;)

No doubt things are sucky!   For some of you... beyond sucky!
The thing is...I see God at work.... restoring what Satan is trying so hard to destroy.

I've learned a lot about waiting over the years.
 It might take a while, But I know in time.....
 God will bring beauty from the ashes.
I've seen it.   I've witnessed it.  I see it happening with some friends now.   And I know that others will see brighter days in the future.

While we wait.... I pray for them.... For you, in the midst of your struggle.

I love you.  God loves you more.
Hang in there.    You're not alone.




*I must add that I feel honored and blessed that people confide in me.    I have heard many 'deep dark secrets' over the years.    I joke that my mind is a safe.    Things are locked away in there.  Really.... because  I don't have a husband to blab to, and chances are high that I might forget what someone has told me.  :)
But seriously... I don't take it lightly.  Thank you for sharing your life story with me.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

imperfect

The boys and I went shopping for school supplies tonight.
Upon turning in to the Walmart parking lot, I fussed about having to shop on a Saturday night with a zillion other people.   I was going to pay the price for my procrastination.   Just like all the other dummies who waited to shop.
"I didn't used to be like this guys!  I used to have it all together", I said.

And then Daniel said, "but then you turned cool."

I laughed at his statement.  Apparently 'procrastinating, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants' moms are "cool".
I must be the coolest of the cool.

I'm not a total slacker.    But I'm certainly not what I used to be.

Tomorrow marks seven years since Thayer's death.    And I think I am bold enough to say that I'm not the same person I was seven years ago.  (who is?)

I always like to think that I've mellowed out a bit.  That I am more flexible than I used to be.  That I value experiences over 'stuff'.    And I realize that things that used to stress me out were asinine.
I suppose all of those factors have evolved me into "cool".

This is one of those nights that I feel perfect in my imperfections.

end of summer.

Ha.   Summer.   I vaguely remember it.   But it was fast.   Probably the fastest.  Ever.

Rewinding to the start of summer.... Recall that nifty screen time chart that I made?
That was a joke.
And... my goal to drop my last 30 pounds this summer?
Nonsense.   We had way too much fun.  I actually gained 7 pounds.   My "summer weight" as I call it.
And remember how I always rave about my summer sleep schedule?
Well...apparently I'm a grown up now!.... because I was up and moving by 7am most days and on my morning walk by 8am.   hm.


Please don't ask what we did this summer.... because I'm not really sure.   The days were full. There were lots of people.   A few day trips.   A few over night trips.    And everything was tied up nicely last week when we vacationed at Topsail Island with my family.  

We had a great week at the beach!    I think that everyone enjoyed their time together.   I really enjoyed the lack of agenda and being "unplugged" for several days.  I enjoyed watching the boys boogie board and not get eaten by sharks.

I liked being away from reality so much that I didn't want to come home.    Seriously.     I had to pep talk myself all the way home.    The best motivation that I could come up with was that "the cats will be glad to see us".
And they were.

This week is full of appointments and preparations for school.   The boys will be slumming off to 8th and 9th grade on Monday-- while I enjoy a couple of weeks before preschool starts.
As always I am starting to crave our school routine.  This year, mainly for a more predictable eating schedule.    But basically because we all function better on a schedule.

This time of year usually throws me for a curve.   With the start of school and work, as well as remembering Thayer's death anniversary and his birthday.   Everything kinda gets smashed in there together.

I was starting to feel anxious today.   With all of that stuff on my mind a new concern popped up.

 (Not sure if I have written about this before, but Mr. Q was diagnosed with cancer this past January.)   The vet told me a "few months".   I figured that he would be gone before we had our beach vacation.   I had pictured a summer to grieve the death of our cat.    Amazingly.... he's still here.
Just yesterday I realized that his tumor has grown.   And then it hit me that this fall might be our season to grieve.   I'm not prepared for that.   I'm not prepared for missing work, and school, to bury a cat.   I'm not prepared for this kind of thing to happen on top of everything else that this season brings.  Our schedule is too full to add death.
ha.  I sound so absurd.  Who's ever ready for death?

Though I have been praying that God will take Mr. Q sooner than later. (and that I won't have to make the decision).
Lucas is still wishing we could help Mr. Q.... and I have repeatedly explained that Mr. Q is dying.  

wow.   This is gonna be so hard.

whew.  deep breath.
We never know what tomorrow will bring.
I just hope we make it smoothly through the next few weeks.

my confession

I have a confession to make.  And it has to be made quickly before word gets out that I'm a hypocrite.

Honesty is my forte.  So here goes:

I went to see Magic Mike XXL.

Most of you won't even bat an eye at that.  
But a handful of you.... you know the married friends who I questioned for seeing the first Magic Mike?  Remember those conversations about respecting your husbands, blah, blah, blah?

Well.  I think I still stand by those thoughts.  But I'll be a little less judgy.

First, I must be clear that I had zero interest in seeing this movie until one of my friends mentioned that a scene was filmed where we had vacationed at Myrtle Beach.  I figured that would be neat to see on screen.
So... when one of my single friends suggested that we go see the movie.... I tagged along.

I was hesitant... for fear that I would be uncomfortable.    But I put on my big girl pants and went just for the heck of it.

My review?... it sucked.

As far as movies go it lacked plot, decent acting, and  even basic cinematography.  It seemed low budget and lame.  And I didn't appreciate the foul language.

As some movie go-ers stated.... "we didn't come for a good story or good acting."
 touche.

But the thing is.... Channing Tatum is an excellent actor!   I have enjoyed all of his movies.   I'm pretty sure that if he was filmed reading from the dictionary for two hours  I would have been more entertained.
He was the only thing that carried this film.  (for obvious reasons)... but also due to less than a handful of witty lines and his charm.

The rest of the film was trash.

Here is what threw me for a loop:
I had gone in to the movie expecting to see male dancers shake their stuff on a stage.    I had no idea that the 'dancing' part of this film was solely acrobatics and simulating sexual positions with 'lucky' females pulled from a crowd.
I'm pretty sure I had a pained/ confused expression for most of the movie...because my forehead is still crinkled up.  

This movie was raunchy.


I was impressed with the physique of these guys and their strength.     I can't think of anyone in real life that can move like Channing Tatum.

And it's with that thought that I stick to my 'respect your husband' thing.
If I had seen the movie and then gone home to an average husband, would I not be thinking of how built Tatum is?   Would I not be wanting that kind of treatment at home?  
Would my focus shift, even slightly,  from the man that I chose to love and cherish?  
Just something to think about.

side note:  The whole thing with male dancers.... I don't get it.  
God created men to be stimulated visually.     But women are more emotional creatures.   right?
Sure... it's nice to see a man with a buff torso.... But those banana hammocks..... eww.      

I was more intrigued when he was fully dressed and moving furniture.
swoon.

plans change

I just finished watching a series on Netflix.   You know how some series end with a fast forward?   The last scene usually shows where everyone ended up and it's packaged neatly with a bow?
The show today threw me for a loop, with a two year fast forward.... and I may have shed a few tears over the characters.

Just like life.   Who knows where any of us will be in two years?!  The possibilities are pretty much endless.    We can strive and plan for what we'd like to happen, but in reality everything can change.
I, for one, can testify that life plans can change in an instant.

Just this week I have noticed changes that I would have never anticipated, or planned.
Simple things really.   But simple things could change an entire course.

First of all...  Let me say how effective God can be at changing things in our hearts and minds.
As many of you know I went to Uganda in 2011.   Ever since my return I have had plans to take my boys to experience Africa.   The year has been set.  2017.  I have planned for it.  Talked about it.  Set aside money for it.   My kids have even received some of the shots required to travel abroad.
And then.... just like that.... God said.... "Eh.  That's overrated. Why don't you let your kids experience another culture when they go with the church to Mexico?"

What, God?   I had plans!  They need to go to Africa.  2017.  I've talked about this for years.

Just like that.  Overnight.  (Actually during one of my morning walks).  My long term plan kind of evaporated.  poof.
And ya know what?  I'm okay with it.
Who even knows where we'll be in two years?


This week Lucas and I shared a difficult day together.   It was a challenge for me.  (It brought me back to the days/years following Thayer's death when Lucas was angry and unpredictable).  I didn't have a clue what to do that day.   I had not planned on having such a sucky day.   I had to pull up my bootstraps and do the single parent thing the best I could.  
(I have a great support system who offered to step in and help.  Their encouragement, and listening went a long way.  thank you!)

And you know what?   The next day things were back to normal!  Smooth sailing again.   During that one day of strife I was reminded of how quickly things could change.  In our case it was just a bad day.   Just like Alexander's mom says, "some days are like that, even in Australia."

We can't predict where we'll be in two years.   We can't even state in certainty if we'll be around at the end of the day.      
I can make daily plans that are blocked by a barricaded door.
Or God can change plans that we thought all along were a good idea.

I think the best part of knowing God is in charge... is also knowing that whatever changes occur are for the best.
 Bring it.

If anything, I think I'm learning to be flexible.   To roll with it.
Have no regrets.

again

Another young man lost his life in a motorcycle accident this weekend.   The details of the accident sounded eerily similar to Thayer's.    I was able to put myself in the shoes of his family... because we've been there.  This guy leaves behind two kids too.  

It's a tragedy.  Fatherless kids.

The topic of fathers has been on my mind lately.  

 I don't know what it's like to grow up without a Dad.    My Dad has always been around.   And I can't imagine a childhood without my Dad in the household.

My boys aren't at the point where they talk much about their 'feelings'.... but I know that they must miss a Dad in their lives.     One of my widow friends shared with me that her son, now a teenager, actually expressed that he missed his Dad.      And I'm sure my boys do too.  
So many milestones are upon us.   And the list will continue to grow.  

I've been embarrassing my boys lately with talks about puberty and their changing bodies.   I talk about weird stuff and we all laugh about it.     But really....How odd it must be for them to have their Mom at the helm of puberty talks.  
It's just our reality and we roll with it.

I'm watching a show on Netflix that is dealing with some deep stuff within a blended type family.   I thought the show revolved around a foster kid who was reunited with her birth parents.... but in actuality, the show is revealing the reality of most families.   People have Daddy issues. People have Mommy issues.  There is rejection, loneliness, regret.   And everyone has the need to feel wanted and  loved.

I'm sure that these fatherless kids will have so many feelings to dig through as they get older.   And the damage is clearly a lifelong struggle.
But in the end I hope that my boys feel loved.   Really loved.

that time I threw my phone in a pool

Hours before, or maybe minutes before, I had admitted how I felt addicted to my phone.   Over the past few weeks while my boys were preoccupied... I found myself, with phone in hand, habitually checking Facebook and email, Facebook and email, Facebook and email.

Then as if ordained by God I stood up poolside, picked up my towel and slung that phone into the pool.   It was a fairly humorous accident.  As I stood in horror and disbelief it sunk to the bottom and I hesitated before I clumsily jumped in to rescue.
Since my pool host and myself are less than stellar chefs, there was no rice available for the immediate first aid.
I drove home and hit up The Neighbours for a bag of brown rice.   I covered the phone and set it aside for 3 days.
That's right, folks.   Almost 72 hours without my cell phone.

And my conclusion:
IT WAS AWESOME!!

That pool drowning was the best thing that could have happened to me on that hot Saturday.   It was as if the clouds had parted and my vision was clear again!
I know that sounds so dramatic.   But is WAS!

I instantly noticed how I was present in my life again.   There was no phone in the car, no phone at a red light, no phone at dinner, no phone during family talks, no phone while I was hanging out with friends.     There were no dings, no notifications, no blinking lights to distract me from the moment I was in.
It was like I was living "old school" again.    It felt good.

For three days I waited to see if the rice would work and wondered if I really wanted that ball and chain back.
A little soul searching revealed that I am the master of my domain.  I can regain control of this situation and reclaim a non distracted lifestyle.  
I had a taste of freedom and I liked it.

Earlier today I shook off the rice, assembled the phone.... and it worked!  whew!
I immediately uninstalled Facebook and Messenger.
I reset my notification settings for text messaging and email.

Bam!  Just like that... I turned that puppy back into a basic phone.  
Just like I wanted all along.
You can call me, leave a message... because I'm busy.  with living.

38

I turned 38 this month.   It was a milestone for me.
For the past several years I had anticipated 38 to be a rough birthday.

Thayer died three days before his 38th birthday.

My birthday came and went.... and was actually one of the best birthday weeks I've had.

Two days before my 38th birthday I realized that I have lived longer than Thayer.  
The thought was not nearly as emotional and sad as I had anticipated.
There is a bit of pride in making it 38 years.   I somehow wonder if I'm nearly as mature as Thayer seemed to be in his last days?   Have I surpassed him in any way?


Thayer was always the one I counted on to take care of our family and make the decisions.   He always seemed knowledgeable and wise about stuff.   Mostly because he was seven years older than me and had learned a lot of life lessons.
I learned much from him.
And now I'm older.  

It's just odd.

Thayer had grown up in the midst of many trials, and yet my biggest trial was his death.   Thayer was never able to see me grow and mature through the trials of life.  

The first few years after his death, when confronted with life stuff, I could still hear his advice.... his common sense.   I knew what he would say in certain situations.  I based many of my decisions on his silent voice.
Well... that was until I was tired of having imaginary conversations with a dead husband, and would often say outloud, "Well... you're not here!"....
and I learned to be rather independent.  :)

But now... even if I search for his silent voice I rarely hear him.  I don't have a clue how he would handle teenagers, what he would do in certain situations, or what our family would be like.
How would he make decisions as a 44 year old?
Looks like it's up to me at this point.

I've always been sad that we couldn't grow old together.   And it's a bit depressing as I continue to age, and he remains the same...  Frozen in pictures and in our minds.  Always 37.

The rest of us continue to age, grow, mature.   I am very thankful for that opportunity.   I am thankful for the time with my boys, my family and friends.  
Each day is a truly a gift.  
I am hopeful that my 39th year will be the best yet!

whatev

Week 2 of kids being out of school.
Last week I posted this list on my fridge:

It's not going so well.

Daniel never reads... because he doesn't want screen time.... (except late at night to watch a movie).   Daniel is outside ALL day....
but now Lucas is starting to catch on that I'm not consistent with Daniel and the list.

Daniel seems to understand my ideal summer would include locking them outside and telling them to be home in time for dinner.  He's getting pretty good at this concept.

Lucas on the other hand manages to wake up early and complete most of this list before I'm even out of the shower... so that he can start the video games.  The first three days of  "creative" outdoor activities included these winners:
(Clearly I'm very patient)

Day 1

Day 2.  

Day 3

Then there's me.
I have spent the last two days binge watching Chasing Life on Netflix.   Clearly not setting an example for these boys.

But I have to remind myself that it's summer!    I think we all deserve some days to CHILL!

We are coming up on days and weeks that are filled with activities.    I'm hoping that the screen time dilemna will fix itself as we are out and about this summer.  
Our spontaneous camping trips and lake trips should help a lot.

I thought about implementing time restrictions, or certain times of day that I would allow the screens. (You know... Actually being a parent and having rules)
But my reality says that every day this summer will be different for us and it would be nearly impossible to stay consistent.
We'll see what shakes out.

sandwiches

Okay.  I want to weigh in on the recent news about a cafeteria woman being fired after she fed lunches to kids who didn't have money for lunch.   (I didn't read extensively.... so I'm just going off of one article.)

I tried to explain my position to my mom earlier today... and failed drastically.   So let me see if I can clarify.  Forgive me if I still don't make any sense.

To my understanding, the school policy, in that particular school is that if kids don't qualify for free or reduced lunch, and if they don't have lunch money.... the school provides them with a cheese sandwich and milk.  
The cafeteria worker had deemed that this was not sufficient, and proceeded to serve the full lunch to "crying" kids.

I'm all for kids eating. Especially crying kids.  Really I am.   But I'm also a fan of policies that help prevent people from taking advantage of the system.

My family does not qualify for the free or reduced lunch program.
 I send check after check to school each month for my kids to put in their "lunch accounts".   My kids seem to peel through this money... and I haven't been a real stickler this year to see how many 'extras' they are buying..... like special drinks or desserts.
I'm a parent who gets reminder emails when their accounts get low.   The emails usually show up when their balances are 8 or 9 dollars.
I will admit that I have been slack about reading the emails these past few weeks.  I figured that the kids would remind me when they got a verbal warning from the lunch lady.

It just so happened that earlier this week Lucas came home and said that his account was empty.    He proceeded to tell me that he had to give back the full lunch and was given..... surprise!...... a cheese sandwich and a cup for water.
 It was no surprise to him.....No money = No lunch.    He was fine.
I was thankful that they fed him!  Seriously.   I had forgotten to send money, and yet they still provided food.... Free of charge!

I've never witnessed any child die of starvation after eating cheese and bread for lunch.  I'm thankful that he lived to tell me about it.

Call me heartless.   But I am glad that there are policies in place to remind parents, like myself, to send in the dang lunch money!
If the polices of cheese sandwiches didn't exist.... why in the world would any of us, that are able, EVER send in money?  What would be the point to be responsible for feeding our own kids?   It would be free lunch for everyone, all of the time.   (Which wouldn't be so bad, eh?)

I have a feeling that the fired lunch lady wasn't fired on one account of feeding kids.  I have a feeling that she probably fed the same kids over and over.   Which reinforced to the slacker parents that they didn't need to pay.
See the cycle?

A cheese sandwich would have sufficed.
 It's much more than other kids, all over the planet, get for lunch.
Our American entitlement irks me.     And I fear that we are raising a generation of entitled kids.

I think we could all have a lesson in gratitude.... for our country, our resources, and plans in place that provide food to kids.   Even cheese sandwiches.

I would love to see  more kids, including mine say, "thanks for the sandwich."

wanna be housewife

disclaimer:  another obnoxious post about not working.



The snobbery of it.   I couldn't believe my own thoughts!
Yesterday morning, I sat on my "new" patio, Bible in hand, looking out into my yard, listening to the birds chirp, admiring the sunlight......  I took a deep breath, let out a long exhale, and thought to myself, "I am destined to be a housewife."

What?!
My inner being screamed it out, though I'm pretty sure that society would shun me for such a thought.

I would rock being a housewife.
Yesterday was my first full taste of sending the kids off to school and then doing stuff.   I was super productive.   I took a morning walk and ran several errands.  
God was pouring his blessings onto me and I thanked him as I noticed that there was NO line at the post office, NO line at Wal-mart.   Things were going swimmingly well....
until...
 I managed to lock my keys AND my phone in the car.     (Such a humbling moment when you have to ask the clerk at the store if she has a phone you can borrow).   Thankfully Awesome Lisa came to my rescue and I continued my day with shopping and lunch with friends.
Today has been much of the same, except I didn't lock myself out of the car.   That's a bonus.

I have had the time to walk many miles over the past few days and I hope this is a reflection of how my summer will be.    This is my summer to drop the last of my weight.   This is the summer I take time to walk, get exercise, and take care of myself.
Or.... as the neighbor kid would say, "get a sexy body".
I'm feeling healthier and MUCH more energetic.

Imagine how well I could keep up this routine if I were a housewife?!    After the daily exercise, I could run errands, cook, clean, do laundry.  It would be excellent!

I don't need to marry for money.  (though I often joke about finding my 'sugar daddy')   I just need to marry someone who is content to live primarily on one income.
 Thayer and i managed.... and I know that there is some lucky man out there, maybe with some school aged kids who would love to have the mom at home to take care of them after school and during the summer.
Or heck... someone with older teenagers who need vague supervision like my own.
I'd also love the opportunity to volunteer around the community.   I've always thought that it would be fun to help out at the hospital.

I'm currently taking applications for the Mr.

In the meantime I think I'll perfect the housewife gig this summer.    Practice makes perfect!

goodbye friends

This is the time of year when I frolic in joy and excitement about a fun summer, in which I don't work.
This is the post in which everyone with a 'real' job hates me.
I write about how I only have two more days of work, how I have great plans for the summer,  and how I will have the ability to adjust my sleep schedule from 1am-9am.

For all of those above reasons, I am stoked.

But in a rare turn of events, I'm actually sad to see the end of preschool this week!
(I know, I know.... Did Jill just grow a heart?!)

Now, before I continue, let me make it clear that all of my previous classes have been lovely.   Over the past 8 years, I have met some amazing kids.   Many have made me laugh.   Many have challenged me.  Many have tugged at my heart.
But also over the past eight years there have been those kids in our classroom.  Let's just say that every class has been unique.

Every year I look back and see how I, myself, have changed as I work with kids.
I am aware that the year Thayer died, and probably a few years following.... I was not the best I could be.   I'd hope to think that my clarity and attitude have evolved over the past few years.
(I'm not sure that my lead teacher, Elaine, would agree!)  ;)
I do notice that as my own kids get older, I have gained the ability to look at the 5 year-olds and appreciate their precious hearts and their innocence.   (...they will grow so fast)

Anywho.
Back to THIS year.
 This year!  It has been a blessing.    This class, in particular, has captured my heart and melted it...just a little.
Teachers aren't supposed to have 'favorites'.... (even though all teachers do).   And I can honestly say that this class is full of my 'favorites'!
My favorite kids, my favorite families.   They have all been so amazing.   I am sad to see them move on.
In some cases, preschool families have been around for several years, and Elaine and I have had the privilege to teach sets of siblings.     It's always a bit sad to see families go.
But such is the business of preschool.    We socialize and equip these kids for Kindergarten and send them off with smiles.

This year, I'll smile.   I'll smile for many reasons.  It's also possible that some of my melted heart might leak out of my eye during our little graduation ceremony.
I love these kids.  I'm gonna miss them.

best day ever

I have to say that today was probably the best Mother's Day of my mothering years.
We had plans to go hiking so we packed our lunch bag and started getting ready for the day.

The boys honored my mother's day wish by giving me a new picnic blanket.... just like I had requested.   I think this is the first year that they have gifted on their own accord.    I am proud.
And... I am officially old.  (please give me a picnic blanket. geez)

Our original hiking companions were unable to come today, so we headed across town to get another boy, from another mother.  (I was privileged to sneak Matthew away from his own mother for many hours today.  Thanks, Trena!)
We had a special breakfast at Bojangles.   (only special because my kids would never have agreed to Bojangles on a normal day!)

We hit the road and headed toward Mt. Pleasant for a day of hiking.   I was a pretty rad mom, maneuvering up a bumpy dirt road all on my own.   I remember when Thayer first took me to Cold Mountain, on the same road... and I was so intimidated by the ruts and bumps.  I thought he was so bad ass.... getting us to the hiking location.   This time I was driving like a boss!  ha.
More proof that I might actually be an adult!  ack!

We arrived at the trail head at noon.    My boys have camped on Mt. Pleasant, twice, so they knew what to expect and where to go.
I love having teen boys!

My big accomplishment on the hike was that I peed in the woods!!   Go Jill!     I was quite pleased that I remembered how.    And I recalled the first time I peed in the woods, back when I was dating Thayer.   I think it was my sister-in-law who had to teach me.    I squated like a pro today.  :)
To my horror, as I continued along the path.... the boys pointed out that my choice squatting location was in clear view of the looping trail!  Thank goodness there were no other hikers in the vicinity.     I can only imagine their horror!

We hiked to the summit and had our lunch.   The boys enjoyed showing me where they had camped on their previous visits.   I was quite impressed at the secludedness and wildness of it all.
I'm 100% sure that I won't be camping there. ever.  
I have no idea how they managed to carry their gear up on their previous adventures.   It was tiring!

I noticed something about myself today.
 I'm pretty sure that a year ago, at this time, I wouldn't have even considered such a hike.   I was at my heavist weight and I probably would have died.   I still have a long way to go on my weightloss journey... but my routine of walking everyday has shown that I'm in good enough shape to hike! This is such a relief.  I'm glad that I will be able to participate in these activities with my boys.  I want this to be a summer of adventure for us!  I am glad that I can be active with them.   This is great motivation to keep getting in shape.

I calculated that we hiked about 6.5 miles this afternoon.   Our excursion on the mountain took about 3.5 hours.
Including breakfast and travel time I was able to spend a whopping 7 hours of uniterrupted time with the kids.   I had a blast!!

After returning home, we showered and ordered pizza delivery!  (which I never order delivery!  this MUST be a special day!)   We watched a documentary about the Lemurs of Madagascar.... AND I still had time to download these pictures and blog!

I couldn't have asked for a better day!
I'm a blessed Mom indeed.