less

I told someone recently that I plan to post more in 2015.   Not so much 'deep thought' stuff.... but just everyday stuff.   As most of you know, my memory is horrible.   I feel the need to keep documenting the mundane.
Life.
(I'm having memory of writing that thought before... so forgive my redundancy.)

With the process of moving in to my kitchen I made an effort to be minimal with 'stuff'.    I have a new interest with minimalism and I feel that this is my year to really purge.  
Honestly, I've never been much for clutter.   And in my opinion, I don't own many knick knacks.

Well..... the gnomes.  oh, the gnomes.  I don't count the gnomes because they are generally out of my sight, in the yard... not in my house.  (My neighbors probably think I have a problem with hoarding.)  

Clutter isn't terribly visible. But...My closets and drawers are packed.  I think of all the extra things in my bathroom closet.... lotions I'll never use, fingernail polishes, left over shampoos, etc.
The unnecessary extras in my life need to be cleaned out this year.   I have a goal of getting rid of 2015 items this year, 2015.
(I may be counting pieces of paper to reach this goal... but it could be possible)

Along with minimizing the items in my house, I am continuing with my 'less is best' attitude about things in general.    Over the years, I  have mastered the word, "No" and I don't feel any guilt about turning events down that aren't beneficial to me or those involved.
  "Ain't nobody got time for that."
My calendar squares are generally full.... but with stuff we WANT to do .....not just stuff we were suckered in to are obligated to do.

I have been intentional about taking time for myself lately.    I think I've done really well with this over the years.  Really well.  Firstly, with the help of my amazing family who would watch the kids for me to get out and socialize.   This was huge, I know.
And now that the kids are older, I am able to carve out time for myself while they are preoccupied.
I  have started walking at least 2 miles, and doing yoga, daily.   Thanks to my good friend, Lisa... who happens to be my neighbor... and keeps me accountable.   If we can keep up this routine, it just might save my life this year.    I'd like to lose 40-50 pounds.... and I need to be intentional with my time and energy.   I think taking baby steps will pay off in the long run.

I've started setting my alarm clock 30 minutes earlier each day.   This was terrible at first, until I realized I wasn't rushing around like a maniac on school days.    I take my time and the mornings have become refreshing.

I've noticed that being more intentional with things, time, and energy have been very rewarding.   I hope this is the start of a great year.
Last year I claimed 2014 as my own.   But THIS year.  For real.... is gonna be mine :)

kitchen

For those of you who keep asking... here are some before and  after pics of the kitchen.
I have since added some textiles but will add a completed picture once the new table and chairs arrive.
 I highly recommend Dawson Custom Woodworking, Inc. 
I am so happy with how it has turned out.   I've cooked at home EVERY night this week!  woot woot!

the pantry on the left was demolished and replaced with the cabinets below.

I ended up having MUCH more cabinet space.
LOVE it all!

two days

 (December 31st, 2014)

We've been unsettled over our Christmas break.  The kitchen remodel is underway and people come and go, but not daily.... so it's kind of a guessing game as to if I should sleep late or get up and be presentable when contractors arrive.    Today the boys and I slept until 9 when the floor guys came in.   I have a nifty sign on my door that notifies them of our presence and tells them to just do their thing.   So far, so good.
We've had about a week of inactivity after they found a default with the flooring and had to resolve it with Lowes.   Once the new floors get here, the rest should fall into place.
I was glad to see the floor guys today as they are prepping.

The no-kitchen thing has been fine.   We have eaten out a ton, without that extra guilt of not cooking.  "It's justified", I like to think.
And we've been fed well by others!   The Tibbs family has offered to feed us every Monday, forever.   ;).....and my folks, and others have invited us to dinner.
 I'd like to think I'll repay the favor when I get a kitchen.   IF I use the kitchen for cooking.

This project is obviously huge for our family.    Especially all at once.   If Thayer were still alive, I think that he may have remodeled our kitchen by now.   It was his plan all along.  It was our plan.
  I envision it would have been a very slow process.   A small bit at a time..... floors one year,  painted cabinets one summer, new appliances as needed.   The whole project may have been completed by now.   Six years in the making.    Lots of nagging from me, and probably lots of work from me and the boys as well.

(January 1, 2015)

So here we are seven and a half years after moving in and I'm having the kitchen remodeled in a matter of weeks.    It's overwhelming.
 Even after talking about it for years.... if feels like a dream that it's actually happening.
 I am thankful for Thayer's planning and provisions that make it possible.   I'm seeing our plans come to fruition and it's pretty exciting.

Today is the first day of 2015.
We were blessed to spend this new year's day, and evening, with several families.   And I realize how thankful I am for all of the various relationships God has provided for our family this year.   He's been generous with new friendships and providing times for old friendships to remain.
I hope that this year will be a great one for our friends and family.

 I'm indecisive of if I should set goals or anticipate events this year.
I honestly haven't processed beyond the next few days.
We are back to work and school on Monday.  
I dread having to shift our sleeping schedule again.
And no matter how much I am enjoying my class this year, I am so anxious for summer to roll around.    (I really, really like my summer sleep schedule).
 In the meantime I'll settle for some snow days.  That would be okay too.

our christmasy night

Our extended family agreed, many years ago, to cut out the gift giving and simplify things by letting the kids draw names for Pollyanna.
My family has to buy two gifts to exchange.  Two.   And I've put it off until tonight.

My boys (including Matthew) headed out for an evening of Christmas shopping and cheer.
We ate 'fancy' at Applebees, dropped off a few things at people's houses, and then tackled the shopping at Target and Walmart.    Mission accomplished... even with three idiotic boys in tow.

I made a surprise stop by Starbucks and treated us all to peppermint hot chocolate and then put my secret plan in action.

Back story: For WEEKS, I have been talking about driving to look at Christmas lights.  Both of my boys growl and complain and threaten my life simply at the mention of driving to see the lights.
Just to get them riled up I intentionally slam on my breaks in front of any house that has lights.  I 'oooh and ahhh' and make a big fuss about even the simplest decorations. 

So, after appeasing them with hot chocolate I started to drive.   About 10 minutes from our house they start to question "where are we going?  Did you miss the exit?"
I continued to drive until we hit a neighborhood and I started to do my usual slow down and "look at those lights!"
They caught on to my plan and realized that the hot chocolate was just a bribe... and they were stuck in my car with nowhere to go.  

Lucas, especially, was furious.   He refused to look out of the window and insisted that he was going to take a nap.
UNTIL.... we found the house that was synchronized to music.  That kid perked up like a kid at Disney World.    All three of these big kids were amazed.   We must have sat at that house for 20 minutes.

The same neighborhood gifted us with a seductive snowman.... and we HAD to stop and get a picture.

By this time the kids were excited and I continued to drive, appearing lost, until we happened upon another house with a light show.
Good times.   

 I'm thankful it was a successful evening.  It was great to see Lucas' attitude change during our trip.

We returned home around 10:30 tonight..... and immediately noticed that The Neighbours had stolen our hippo!  

 It was a perfect ending to our evening as we laughed and planned our retaliation.  
I think this Christmas break is gonna be a good one!

music again

This morning I broke up with radio Christmas music.    I have had enough.

I visited my blog to re-read, or re-post, my previous thoughts on music, but upon my blog search I see that I have written about this a lot.   Especially the Christmas music.

So, here's one more for the record.

I'm a fan of Christmas music at first.   But this year I realize that even the old 'birth of Jesus' standbys are getting dingy and worn out.   (Except for my favorite "O Holy Night".)
I am politely singing along with the radio for the most part.  
The real meaning of Christmas isn't lost on me.    But I feel the need for something peppier.

The secular Christmas songs have the same old feel to them.  
And that feel is generally about being lonely and wanting to have someone home for Christmas.
There needs to be a song about "please just let me get a date for Christmas".  seriously.

So I had the difficult talk with my radio this morning.
 "This isn't working out......It's not you, It's me."  Etc. etc.

The other two channels that continue to play top 40 music are seriously in cahoots with each other.    No lie...... one channel plays the song, and then the next channel plays the same song.    There is no joy in switching channels.  It's the same crap over and over, a gazillion times each day.
 I have pretty much memorized Taylor Swift's new song  (which is catchy, yet twisted).... and I know to change the channel before that guy sings about naked ladies and trumpets.

My next car will have one of those nifty little jacks for an iPod.    And I will learn how to download music onto some device.  It will be amazing.   I will listen to what I like.   I will sing.  I will be happy.

Well, I'm actually really happy right now.    This break-up will be a good thing.

and so it begins

The annual debate among preschoolers about Santa.   

Is he real or not?

I don't remember this being a discussion when I was four.... or when my own kids were four.   But more recently the concept of Santa has caused much debate among young children.      (I have my speculations about why but that's for another post.)

I am fully aware that Jesus is the reason for the season.   And I am perfectly supportive if your family chooses not to play Santa.  I get it.
But please don't let your kid be the one who announces this to the entire class of wide eyed preschoolers.     

Prepare your kids.  Let them know that families celebrate in different ways.  And tell them to keep their mouths shut.  please.

There is nothing quite like overhearing this conversation in a classroom.
"Santa is NOT real!"

"Then how do the presents get there?"
"Your mom and dad go out and buy them and put them under the tree".

By the end of the conversation both kids are practically screaming at each other and looking toward the teacher with panicked eyes.

"Families celebrate Christmas in many ways...."  (and then desperately try to change the subject)

It's really awkward.  for everyone.

Is he real.... or not?

rolling

We're adjusting back to our routine after a short Thanksgiving break.   We had a super quick visit down to see Thayer's family.    As I sat and visited with Granny I realized that time keeps rolling.

Granny is 92.   She can't remember her last sentence but she has a good, selective, long term memory.    She is always ready and willing to talk about her husband, how they met, and how handsome he was.   She has a picture of her husband (probably college aged).... and yes, he was a looker.   Blue eyes, just like Thayer.
Her husband has been gone for eight years.   And I know she longs to be with him again.     She bides her time.
As we all do in some way or another.

I've had the weight of uneasiness this week as I think about my friends who are in the midst of much heartache.   Loss, death, sickness, slow recoveries, and anticipation for upcoming surgeries.
(please pray for Zack this week!)
So much going on.   I have the desire to help.... or to do more.
I feel like I'm using my own village to get it all done these days.    And I'm not sure what else TO do.
So I bide my time.    And pray.
I hope my people know how much I care.

December is slowing filling up with activity.

After a post Halloween meltdown- when I told the kids that we would never decorate for holidays again.....
I changed my mind and we pulled out the Christmas boxes.    The boys put up the tree and we decided to keep things super simple this year.    We looked at all of the ornaments and I suggested that they only hang 'circular' ornaments this year.     I'm pretty pleased.

 I have finally got the ball rolling on my kitchen remodel!    Over five years of hemming and hawing..... and I have finally taken action!   I meet with the contractor tomorrow to make selections and schedule a start date.   This has been a long time coming.   It's truly a Christmas miracle that I'm taking this step.   really.
(I may post pictures or write more about this as the project progresses.....so please just smile and nod, smile and nod).

Less then three weeks until Christmas break.    Wow.  The days are rolling by.

times are changing

not really.    Things are eerily staying the same around here.

 But that recent time change has totally thrown me for a loop.   I feel like I'm ready for bed by dinnertime.    It feels SO late by then.   

Tonight we waited for, what seemed like an eternity, for Daniel's guitar teacher to arrive for a lesson. He arrived in the concealment of deep, dark night..... at 6pm.    

(Shout out to Lynchburg Guitar Lessons!!  Patrick has been so accommodating! )

I know that I will eventually get used to the shift in daylight, because I always have.  But this week has been tough.    The nights seem to linger forever.    

I can understand why people suffer from that seasonal depression stuff.   

 I am by no means depressed.... but just yawny.  very yawny.

I've wanted to write lately but I'm fresh out of interesting.    

I recently ventured online to have my blog posts from 2012-2013 printed and bound.   I get so giddy when I receive a fresh book, of my words, in the mail.    I can't wait to thumb through it and feel like I'm "published".   I know I wrote about this previously.... but I'm thrilled to be able to share my memories with my boys this way.     One day, when I'm old, and forgetful  (eh, any day now) I know that I'll enjoy reading back through our years.

anywho.

I've spent a bit of time this week watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix.    I was told to watch it.... (thanks, Katie)....so I felt obliged. 

First of all.... I am not a football fan.... so the first few episodes were VERY difficult to get through.   But now I'm hooked.   Basically caught by the character who has become paralyzed.   I'm only 8 or 9 episodes in but I want to know how he moves along his journey.   And I've enjoyed watching the romances unfold.   (Then again, I'm totally creeped out that we get a kick out of watching tv highschoolers make-out.)  They get more action than I've had in years.   boo!

Whew.

random. random.

such is life.

halloween

This is the first Halloween in....ever.... that I've been home all night to hand out candy.     Other years were broken up with some sort of activity or taking the kids out to trick-or-treat.    

I always left a bucket of candy on the porch as we ventured out.   Nothing extravagant but just enough for whoever might wander by our house.
Some years I was anal enough to write a cutsie note asking the little critters to 'only take a few... and leave some for others'.    But then I wised up to the fact that one little rascal probably came and emptied the whole bowl into his bag.
I stopped leaving the notes and figured that some dude was gonna get really lucky.

Lucas joined my nieces and nephews tonight for trick-or-treating.
Daniel decided to stay home.
I was excited!
I envisioned an evening snuggled on the couch, watching a movie with my boy, and handing out candy to cute kids.
The boy envisioned a night in the basement finishing the second season of Arrow, on Netflix, without me.

And so it was.  
I sat in the living room, binged on pizza and candy, studied Facebook, and watched episodes of The Goldbergs on my laptop.    I handed candy out to 10, TEN, kids.
Number 10 got his candy, took a step away, turned an about-face and asked, "do you have any Gobstoppers".  
I replied, "Are you seriously making requests?"  
And since I was so dumbfounded by his boldness.... I relinquished the Gobstoppers.   But only one package.
At least he said 'thank you'.

The highlight of my evening was when the neighbors  (no, not those neighbors).... a nice couple diagonally across the street from me...... stopped by with candy for the boys.

I had thought about the neighbors earlier.  How their light was on.  And my light was on.  And how dreadfully few trick-or-treaters we had.

Next year I am envisioning a new Halloween tradition.  The kind I have read about online... but never understood until now.   I'm envisioning the neighbors hanging out in the yard, or a block party, or a teenager Halloween party, or a camp fire night.     Something to bring the solitude porch lights together.    
We're all waiting for those little costumed creatures to come requesting candy  (all 10 of them)..... so why not wait together?
(I also envisioned this would be a  great night for a wedding.  go figure)

We'll see.

I have a year to decide against my pumpkin party.... perhaps it's time to morph the tradition into something new.

(we DID have the 14th annual pumpkin party yesterday.   It was a success!)

These boys always impress me with their pumpkin carving knowledge.

Daniel is SKILLED!

Lucas' MineCraft Creeper.
(a video game thing)

month of excess

People tell me that I should write a book.
I feel like I have.
Blogger tells me that I have written 783 posts.
I have many years of these posts printed and bound in hopes that one day my kids will sit and read them.... and think...."wow.  That was our mom."

It's interesting to think about what I may have written over the years.   Sometimes I think I only wait to report the shocking or 'emotional' stuff.   I have tried to include the mundane as well.   Because such is life.  The ups and downs.

Like today.    It was blah.     I'm pretty sure I'm having my equivalent of PMS this week.  I'm moody and bloated.   And I binged on Pizza and popcorn for dinner.
I have disappointed myself tonight since I've focused so much on my eating lately.   I've lost eleven pounds simply by adjusting my consumption.
But today.  I could care less.

The boys and I are currently in, what I have named, the "month of excess".   October is always my busiest month by far.    And my most expensive month.
We are settling down after several weeks of crazy excess.... only to be gearing up for our Pumpkin Party and Halloween activities to come next week.

The past few weeks have been chock-full of events and driving.  (lots of driving!)
 Daniel's birthday, a trip to Great Wolf Lodge, unexpected car fiasco, rescue visit with friends, rental car expenses, visit from Thad,  and TWO visits to Layman's Farm.

Every year I say that I'm not going to go all excessive in October.    But October is my favorite month and it's so easy to go overboard.
My kids will only be around the house for a few more years, so I justify the expense, I suppose.

I sent out the invites to our pumpkin party, that I refuse to throw every year.   Lucas made sure that the invite included the word "annual" on it......"so we have to have it next year too."

And there you have it.  October comes every year and suckers me into activity and expense.     Thankfully lots of fun along with it.

enough

I've had a week.   A great week  A fun week.  A messy week.   An angry week.  A sad week.  A lazy week.  

 I have wept over Thayer's absence.   I have shed tears for my boys.  I have lost my temper.    I have yelled.  I have made huge mistakes.   I have lectured.   I have used harsh language.  I have battled loneliness.  I have felt defeated. I have failed people I love.     I have laughed with friends.  I have walked miles.  I have sat for hours.  I have neglected my chores.   I have stood until my feet ached.  I have worked.  I have slept.  I have grumbled.    I have praised.
I have been chasing something.

I just don't know what.

After a week of disconnect and confusion.... it's interesting that God had to use a Facebook post and a movie to remind me of what I've known along.    Tonight he shouted at me and said,
 "You're enough!"
 Those exact words.   He's been whispering this over and over for the past few months.
I get it now, God.
 I'm enough.

Even though I often feel like my world is crumbly and crazy, and I just don't know what path I'm on...

I am enough.

This coming week I will cry.  I will lose my temper.  I will lecture.  I will curse.   I will be lonely.   I will make mistakes.   I will laugh.   I will walk.  I will sit.  I will work.  I will praise.

I will be enough.
Because I am loved.

random stuff on my mind

Lucas will be 12 years old on Thursday!  wow.
We had an early celebration tonight at a local Mexican restaurant... simply because a mariachi band was scheduled to play.
Lucas loves this particular restaurant... and we go ALL of the time.  It was extra special tonight as we shared a meal with our family and Lucas was serenaded by the band.
Cake and ice cream followed at our house.
This should totally have been a Friday.

This week, after having several groups of people back in my house, I realize how much I enjoy having company.    It often feels like I have a rotating door.    And the 'extra' chairs that we bring up from the basement never seem to make it back downstairs.   We go through spurts of time when those chairs are filled for several days.    And then they linger in the kitchen until the next people arrive.

I think I took the summer off from hosting much... because the chairs were left in the basement for quite a while.   But now they are back.
I am thrilled to be hosting our LifeGroup again this fall.    And I hope that I can revive my Sunday night crew as well.
 I look forward to getting my peeps together.  
Even though I love my summer sleep schedule, the truth is that I thrive on routine.   Our 'school' routine work for us.  As well as the regular scheduled meetings, etc.  

My preschool class is beyond amazing this year.    I have enjoyed every minute.
Ask me about my job sometime :)

I'm looking forward to the arrival of fall.   And pumpkins.  And Halloween.

goodbye summer. hello routine.

Wow.  Where have we been?!

The boys just started their third week of school!  

I went back to work last week, and my preschoolers came to their first day of Pre-K today.    It looks like lady Elaine and I have an awesome class this year!   

Rewind to Sunday August 17th.  
I received a phone call from my Brother-in-law, Thad, to say that he was IN TOWN and wanted to surprise my boys.    This was huge.    He showed up at 6:30am on Monday morning and woke them up for their first day of school!   A great surprise.

It turns out that Thad was in town for several days.    It seemed like it would be a long visit.... but it was over way too quickly.    The boys enjoyed some much needed time with their uncle.

  On  Wednesday Thad and I hiked back to the spot where we had scattered Thayer's ashes.    Great day, beautiful mountains.

That week, we also went out to eat with my family for (what would have been) Thayer's 44th birthday.   Not much pomp and circumstance this year.

At the end of the week we said our goodbyes to Thad and I delivered my kids to Comfort Zone Camp.
Daniel wasn't too keen on attending this year.... but by the time I picked them up on Sunday, both boys were ready to get signed up for next year's camp!    I am so thankful for CZC and the safe environment that they provide for kids like mine!!

While the boys were at camp, I enjoyed a great weekend catching up with my friends in Richmond.

Then.... it was back to reality for all three of us as we started back to school and work on the following Monday.

We are getting back into the routine of things.   And would you believe that my boys put themselves to bed by 9pm each night?!     And I'm not usually far behind.  
I've had some sweet dreams the last few weeks.

challenge

I was recently challenged to do the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS Association.   And I've decided to refrain from the obligatory soaking of ice water.
But I am all about donating!
I decided to pretend that I did the bucket dumping and I DID donate $10 for ALS research.   And I challenge you to do the same.

***Click here to donate to the ALS Association!***

And since I didn't actually complete the challenge I decided to donate $100 as well.   BUT I decided to donate to two charities that are on my heart this month.

Some folks would say to donate quietly and move along.   But I've read several convicting blogs that encourage people to donate and make a big fuss about it... in order to encourage others.

So I'll go ahead and make a big fuss about it.

My kids are fresh home from a weekend at Comfort Zone Camp.   This camp experience has been amazing for my boys.   They have attended five camps over the past six years.    And each year they are anxious to get back  (Well... Daniel needed some prodding this year... but he came home ready to sign up for next year!)
Comfort Zone Camp has provided a safe place for my boys to simply be themselves among other people who 'get it'.   It's a great place to connect with other kids and talk about life and loss.
I can't say enough about this organization.    Just know that CZC is great.    And it's FREE to participants!!  I challenge you to make camp possible for more kids like mine.

***Click here to donate to Comfort Zone Camp!***

I also figured that this post would be a great way to kick off my fundraising efforts for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
On October 25th, I will be participating in the  "Out of the Darkness Community Walk" in Roanoke.
This walk raises awareness of depression and suicide, as well as comforts those who have lost a loved one to suicide.    I am raising money to help support the AFSP raise money for research and education programs to prevent suicide and save lives.
I challenge you to donate to the AFSP, and help me reach (or surpass) the goal I have set for the walk.

Click here to donate to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention through my fundraising page!

So.  There you have it.
No wet t-shirts and no mess.  But...Donations are made.
And you'll probably be hearing more over the next few months while I give big pushes for these organizations.
:)

the tree

A few days ago, 75 days before Halloween, Lucas decided that it was time to decorate.

I'm not quite sure how it happened.   I may have mentioned something about it in the car.   He was looking for something to do and I may have said something about the Halloween tree.

Perhaps he was inspired by last year's early phone call from Sabrina who prompted him to do the same thing.

I dunno.
But for whatever reason he set up the black tree and decorated it.   He disappeared into the basement, returning every few minutes with more Halloween decor.   He distributed pumpkins around the house and hung Halloween wreaths on the doors.

75 days before Halloween.

Lucas is awesome.    I love his creativity.
And our house feels festive.

When you approach our house at night the lights from the tree are ablaze like Christmas.

I like to keep our neighbors guessing.

With the great anticipation of the ever slowly approaching holiday the cats have joined in on the fun.  I have watched them as they have attempted to claim the tree as their own.    The two of them have nuzzled the branches, stretched up the trunk, and circled up underneath.  
So it was no surprise to me when the tree tumbled to the floor.   And by the time I entered the room.... it was void of cats.
Sneaky bastards.

The tree fail happened tonight at 10:30pm as Daniel and I were scrambling to get ready for bed.
Daniel and I attempted to place the tree upright again, but after struggling for several minutes we realized that the stand was broken!  We bickered back and forth until I decided to retrieve our Christmas tree stand and resolve the problem.
As I type, the tree is back in action.   And I hope that it can survive another 71 days.

Let the countdown to Halloween begin.....

six years

Today marks the sixth year anniversary of Thayer's death.

 I really don't have anything profound to share today.    Our day went as planned.  The boys and I immersed ourselves in mindless television, a friend came to visit, the guitar guy came, and we attended the church cookout.

I think that sad anniversaries are only what you make of them.

This year I decided not to make it a big deal.   Even though, inside, I was struggling.   Every year the anticipation of certain days brings on an emotional and physical reaction.   I know that I just have to get through the day and then life continues as usual.  (kinda like meeting with my financial advisor)  haha ;)
 
No big deal in the grand scheme of things.

 It's not that the time has healed my grief.   Time just makes the grief more bearable.
 I think.  
The grief is certainly not as fresh as it was a few years ago.... but I know that whether it's been six years, or sixty, I will always remember what we had - and lost.

I haven't let my mind 'go there' today.
I have been very happy lately.   I don't want to put myself in that pit of active grief again.
Not yet.  
I haven't needed a good weepy cry.    The time between tears has grown over the years.    In fact, I can't remember the last time I that I have cried.     But I know that tears will come in time.  They usually do.

The boys are very unfazed by the talk of Thayer's death anniversary and upcoming birthday.  I have no idea what goes on in their tween/teen brains.  I don't push them.  I know that they will struggle in their own way, with missing their Dad, as they approach different milestones in life.   For now, they seem okay.   And I am thankful.

As always I am very thankful for my family and friends who have walked this grief journey with us.     God placed all the right people in our lives to help us survive these past six years.
We are truly blessed.

saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday.  Just another day.
 But that Saturday changed our lives forever.

Saturday.
 Just a day in the week.

There have been six years of Saturdays.

The first few months I dreaded Saturdays.  I would relive our last Saturday together.    I'd watch the clock at 6:10 or 6:20.  (which was it?)  And then again around 8.

I counted the days at first.  Then the weeks.  Then the months.
Now I have to count on my fingers to make sure I'm remembering the years that have past.

Six.

Six years of the calendar squares being crossed off.
 And it's back to Saturday again.

I felt it today.   As I've felt it approaching all week.
I wanted to shut down this afternoon.  Instead I took the kids to the skate park and rented a movie.

Tomorrow I will be off duty.   Please don't call.

Thankfully the cute guitar instructor will come break up our afternoon, and we have a church cookout tomorrow evening.

It'll be Saturday.  Just another day.

ugh

spoiler alert : whiny post.

 I just had a minor fit of panic.  For no particular reason.
I explained to the kids, again, for the  millionth time, that the house is a reflection of my mood.... or vice versa... I've never really figured that out.

But the real reason is that it's THAT time of year again.
The carefree summer is evaporating before my eyes.

 Reality bites.

The boys register for school on Wednesday.
Bedtimes and alarms will have to be set next week.    argh.
There are appointments and calls that I've put off all summer.
There's the yearly appoinment with my financial advisor... where there is nothing to show for how I've spent money... except a wider ass and spoiled children.

I have to wrap my mind around working at preschool again.   (someone asked me about my class yesterday... and I said "what class?)  :)

The worst part is that this transitional period is in the shadow of Thayer's death anniversary and his 'would-be' 44th birthday.

This week I'll be registering the kids, where the forms never fail to ask for parental information.
And every year.... those blank lines throw me a curve.   Do I leave it blank?  Do I write 'deceased'?  Do I give any explanation to teachers?
It sucks.

But every year I get through it.  And the boys get through it.
And in a few weeks I'll be very adamant about not throwing a Halloween party..... while I'm out shopping for prizes.

Such is the circle of a year.
My.  How time flies.

twiddling my thumbs

The older son is back from overnight skateboarding camp.  It was a grand success.

The younger son is perturbed that the oldest, and his friends, took over the TV to watch a skate video.

The youngest has Googled "ways to torture your brother"... and has plans in motion.

I am washing clothes and wasting insanely huge chunks of time.  Anxiously awaiting an evening with friends.

It's been a do nothing day.   I am fortunate... I know.
I am also going slightly loopy.
I'm sure that there is something I should be doing.....

friends

I have AMAZING friends.
Really.
 I know that I am fortunate.
I have a few 'groups' of friends and a few BFFs that are like family to me.
I am always so grateful that they take the time to nurture our friendship and take time to make me feel loved and accepted.
I don't get mushy, ever, but I really mean it....  I am majorly blessed with awesome, supportive, friends.

Not having a significant other can be very lonely.   But for the past, almost six, years my friends have gone out of their way to make me feel a part of something bigger than myself.

I have a couple of friends who are always shopping for my next husband.
(Thank you, Jamie, for terming that as 'shopping'.)

I will be TOTALLY thrilled when my next husband enters the storyline.
I have pretty much forgotten what it's like to have a husband around.  I long to have that helpmate, that companion.   And I'm ready and willing to welcome the right man into our family.
But.... I'm not in a huge hurry to settle.
He's gonna have to be one special dude!

I'm currently very happy with my friends and my kids.   My social life pretty much rocks.....
.... even though I think I can count my male friends on one hand.   And I can't recall the last time I had a date.  (wow.  that's depressing)  :(

BUT.... my girl friends and I have FUN!   (always!)
My kids and I have FUN!  (....sometimes.)

I have come to the conclusion that if Mr Right shows up, my friendships will probably suffer.  Friendships are usually casualties of new relationships.  I'd like to think that I could balance everyone.... but dating would surely suck up a lot of my free time, right?
My prayer is that Mr. Right will be accepted into the circles and roll with it.    
He has to be someone who is comfortable with car singing.

....
 please hold while I add that criteria to my official list 
 .....

Okay.  where was I?

yes.  My friends are great!  And I hope that God always surrounds me with these great people. Especially when I'm old.    Chances are....my married friends will become widows at some point.   I could totally use their help with all of the cats.*
 it would be great to have a roommate in the assisted living place.
We'd be able to flirt with old men and make inappropriate comments to the young men who serve our meals.

But I don't want to get ahead of myself.
I'm enjoying where I'm at now.

Thank you, God, for my friends!


*There will absolutely be NO cats.  I promise.