thankfully emotional

I just re-read A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.    I am not one to read often.  And I am totally not one to re-read a book.   But there are several 'sad' books that I have read several times.
Books that recall the pain of loss- and the grace that overflows in the aftermath.   These particular books bring me back to my initial cries of loss.
I suppose you'd call it cathartic.  I believe it's good for me.

I'm wondering....Is it possible to get comfortable with sadness?    There is a familiarity in the sadness that is intriguing to me.    I am called back over and over to recollect my time following Thayer's quick departure.   Those moments, days, months, years following his death... those were many of the closest moments that I have shared with God.   No doubt, completely devastating moments... yet they were when God's presence was most vivid.     Do I fall back on my 'sad' books so that I can remember what God is teaching me?

I feel like I whine too much.  Especially through type.

This coming month, our pastor has challenged us to take a picture--each day-- of something we are thankful for.  I'm pretty stoked about this project.  And I will probably steal my friend's idea and post the pics on my blog.  (thanks for the idea, Lyn!) :)

Looking back on September and October.  My favorite months!  Tons of things to be thankful for.  These are things that make my heart sing.
Just as a preview of what's to come in November.... here are some thankful moments from the past two months~

Celebrating L's birthday at Great Wolf Lodge

officially a teenager!

I love watching my kids with their cousin :)

a night at the corn maze with friends

loved watching the boys at Layman's farms

corn maze fun

pumpkins, family and friends!

taking our time

It's been a good kind of uneventful over the past month.    Atleast for the three of us.

We are surrounded with news of deaths, sickness, loss of jobs, and a whole lot of shitty stuff.

 Just for a while, I want to sit in my little ordinary bubble with my kids.    I am feeling blessed at the moment, yet a small fraction of me assumes that the other shoe will drop any day.

After five years, the poor lil' widow me has fallen out of the spotlight.    And I'm okay with that.
Every year, I think that I'm getting better and better.   This year I'm feeling stable, but next year I'll probably say I'm even closer to that 'normal' that I long for.
 'normal'.
ha.

-My house is in order. (if you exclude the boys' rooms).
-My yard is in order. The leaves have become a chore, but a rewarding chore. I intend to win.
-My money is in order. I just signed up for an awesome budget program. YNAB. I intend to be a better steward of God's provisions.
-My schedule is in order.  I've learned to cut the extra fluff, yet I'm still busy in lots of good ways.   I'm not sure how all of our days are filled with activity....and my kids don't even play organized sports.  I can't imagine what this solo parenting would look like if they did.   
I count my blessings for now. 

This would be a perfect time for me to start house projects.
This would be a perfect time to buy that house and land in the country.
The boys and I dream.
maybe.
one day.
This would be a perfect time for me to ride off into the sunset with Mr. Right. (and I guess I'd take the kids too).

I drag my feet.
I just want some time to be uneventful.

I drag my feet on moving to the country. (because honestly, who would hang the curtains and hook up the washer and dryer?)
I drag my feet on the house projects because then, chances are, I'd meet someone and we'd move.
Am I really ready to move?

My friend asked me the other day, "are you really ready to date?".
My answer, "probably not".

It's a great idea.   And if it happens... super! 
I have an uncanny thought that I'll end up with a friend of a friend who has five kids.  I'm still working through the details in my head about how I'll transport them and feed them.

Every time I make a meal and count out three plates from the cabinet I feel a sharp tinge of loss and pain.  That feeling never fades. 
Three is not supposed to be our number.

I threw away an old blanket the other day.  Only to realize- days later -that it reminded Lucas of his Dad. 
He cried.  A lot. 
I cried too. 
I screw up.  A lot.
This moving forward thing is a challenge.
It's nice to know that we can take our time.  God will make all the other stuff work out. 
In time.

a whispered "YAY"

A quiet, very hushed, (don't mention it) excitement is running through me this afternoon.

Over the past few years I have suggested to my kids that they should think about participating in the middle school band.
Both boys insisted that they would never consider such a thing.  

This was a bit disappointing to me, a former band geek, knowing that they have many musical genes in their family.   I chalked it up to the fact that everyone has their own talents and that perhaps my kids would find their niche in something else.

Over the past several months....I have seen the 'band' situation mold itself into existence.

Last spring Daniel wanted to take electric guitar lessons.  I jumped right on that train- bought the guitar and signed him up. 
All the while, Lucas kept insisting that he was interested in taking drumming lessons.  

A couple of weeks ago, Lucas came home and announced that he was having a schedule change so that he could join the band! 
what?!
I didn't believe him until he brought his new schedule home the next day.
He says that he wants to do percussion.... but it's not an option until next semester.
Last week I bought a drum set on consignment and I plan to encourage Lucas' interest in percussion .... hoping to start him on lessons soon.  
In the meantime, he came home today with the official papers stating that he'll need to rent a clarinet.  (that's my instrument!)
I'm thrilled that he'll be learning to read music and play an instrument!

And to put icing on the cake....Daniel came home yesterday and said that the band director is allowing/asking him to join the jazz band!  This will be interesting, since he will actually need to practice AND learn how to read music.  But I feel that he can meet the challenge once he's involved.

The fact that both boys are slowing getting into the band scene makes me very happy.   Music, in general, is SO important.  And SO helpful.  And SO great.
I can remember that my involvement with band was a HUGE part of school, and life, for me.   It's where good friends are made and much is learned along the way.

My prayer is that my boys will become immersed in music and all of the great things that are involved with music.   This could be the start of something grand.
For now, I'm keeping semi quiet with my enthusiasm.    Of course I'm encouraging them.... but TOO much excitement from Mom might make them change their minds!  :) 

I'm on vocals :)

5 years

The five year mark has come and gone.   And ya know what?   I made our lives so busy that I think I missed it.   
I didn't miss thinking about Thayer.  I didn't miss thinking about that night that changed our lives.  I didn't miss the thought that 'five years' has been a long time.   I didn't miss thinking about how so many people were impacted by his death.   I didn't miss contemplating, in detail, that fateful day.
But I did miss crying about it this year.

I knew that I was planning lots of activity so that I wouldn't sit at home and be sad.   But it appears that I planned SO much activity that I am exhausted!!

Prior to the death anniversary, we had Thayer's grandmother come to stay for eleven days.    It was nice to have her here and we enjoyed looking through all of my photo albums and remembering 'back then'.   The visit was nice, but also tiring for all of us.

Then, the boys and I spent a long day in c-ville visiting with our friends and catching up.   I love being up there with many of my favorite people.... especially those who knew, and loved, Thayer.

On the eve of the anniversary, we went camping with my family.   (Interesting how much I enjoy camping, yet we don't do it often enough).  We spent August 16th at the lake with my parents, my sisters and their families.     My parents had balloons for the kids to release in memory of Thayer.    

We returned home that night to spend time with family friends, (Thayer's bestie), who stayed with us for several days.   That weekend included a girl's night out with other 'out of town' friends and many fun filled moments with friends.

This past week, we jumped right into registration and school stuff and then hit the road for a long weekend in Williamsburg.   One last fling before reality hits.
We made it back to town just in time to gather with our lifegroup and pray for the kids and their upcoming school year.  

Laundry is brewing and I thought it would be a good idea to debrief a bit before I wipe our summer slate clean.
Tomorrow is the first day of school and work.

I'm actually looking forward to sending the boys away in the morning, regaining a sense of routine, and having some 'down' time in the afternoons.   I'm thinking it will be nice to have a vacation from the vacation.
Although I'm already missing my summer sleep schedule :(

peace

I've had several rough evenings with my boys and church was a welcome relief today.   The worship songs seemed especially sweet this morning as I had a dear friend on my heart.

One song in particular stood out as my prayer for her today.   "Peace" by Brian Morykon.  Based on Mark 6:42-52 



As the day went on I kept singing the song, and praying for my friend, when I realized that God was also talking to me!

After these rough days with my boys, I finally had a little temper tantrum last night directed at God and Thayer.   I cried out to Thayer....  as if he's listening :)... that HE is supposed to be here to help with these kids.  I never imagined dealing with pre-teen attitudes on my own.   I was weepy and upset with Thayer.   How dare he leave me here with these kids?!   What am *I* supposed to do with these kids?  I'll never manage on my own!

And today..... God said "Whoa!.... Have you forgotten where we've been?  You're not alone in this!  I have provided for you from the start.  Remember all that you've been blessed with?  This road that we have journeyed together?  All of the support that you have? 
How quickly you have forgotten!"

Just like the disciples in Mark 6!  Those guys had just witnessed a miracle as Jesus fed thousands of people with a tiny amount of fish and bread.   They went out in their boat and it got a little windy.  Jesus went out to them.... walking on the water... and they were terrified, thinking he was a ghost.    Jesus calmed the wind and they were "completely amazed".
They had totally missed what had just happened with the fish and bread because 'their hearts were hardened".

Really?  How can we, like the disciples, keep missing the miracles?!  And why does Jesus need to show himself over and over and over before we see the blessings that He showers on us?

I want to make a point to remember the blessings I have been given.    I want the peace that God gives when we acknowledge the fact that HE is in control.  
The waves are under Him.

food and family

I am fine.  I am happy.  I am content.  This summer has been great.  I'm not sad.
But I'm sad.

I'm not sure if it's because the death anniversary is slowly starting to slither it's way onto the calendar or if it's just time for me to be mushy about things.

I've been preparing for Thayer's grandmother to come and stay with us for an eleven day visit.   It will be an adjustment for the boys and I to have an extra person around, to say the least.   And it's always a bit challenging for me to be around Thayer's family.... without him. 

I sorted through recipes yesterday trying to figure out what kind of nutritional meals I could feed a ninety year old woman.   
I started to feeling physically ill as I ran across 'meat and veggie' type meals that I used to fix for Thayer -all of the time.  My recipe box and cookbooks seemed foreign... like they belonged to someone else.   
Did I really used to prepare meals and have them on the table by 5:30 every night?!
I can remember the foods that Thayer enjoyed.
I know the foods that his Grandmother has eaten her entire life.
I haven't cooked any of those meals in almost five years!

I have hopes that Granny will be forgiving.  

My boys have been disappearing into the neighborhood for the past few days and I've had a LOT of time to myself.  It's been nice and refreshing to be alone.  But I've been alone.
I start to envision my boys grown and gone.  And I wonder what the heck am I going to do?!   It's rather quiet in this house when the boys are away.
 I start to think about how I will probably be working full time.   And that sucks. 
 I day dream about meeting Mr. Right who will encourage me to keep my part time job.   
Then I wonder, "what if I don't meet Mr. Right' and have to work all day and be alone all evening, and be an old lonely person?" 
And then I stop thinking.
I don't know what to expect over the next few years.   So I try not to dwell on the possibilities.  good or bad.

I chatted online with my Ugandan friend the other day.  He was telling me that he would be prepared to marry in three years. 
When I asked who the lucky girl was, he replied,
"I haven't got one yet".  
But he believed that in three years time that God would provide.  
(yes, I know the cultures are different... and he is preparing for a dowry... and he probably will have a wife in three years)  But what impressed me the most was that he had such strong faith that God would provide.
If only I had that kind of faith.
I wavier between hope and disappointment when I think about what my future will hold. 

A main course of  hopefulness with a side of fear and trepidation.

the in-between

We went to church on Sunday for the first time in many weeks.   I am not sure what the actual talk was about, but I came away with "Where are you going"?  
Not the Heaven and Hell question.... but the honest to goodness "What are you doing with your life?!"

For months, I have gone to bed each night telling God that I need to get back in touch with Him.  I suppose that conversation in itself is a starter.   I'm confident enough in my faith that I know God 'gets' where I'm at.  

I stare at a verse in my kitchen window each day.  
Jeremiah 6:16
This is what the Lord says:

“Stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls."

 

I've been wondering about 'the crossroads'.    I wonder if I would even notice a crossroad when I stumble upon it. 

Perhaps I'm standing in one now.  

And what does the 'good way' look like?

 

Tonight I picked up my Bible for the first time in months and read the book of Ruth.  

Ruth.  A widow.  

She faced a crossroad. 

She was content in side-lining her possibilities and moved away with her mother-in-law.    

Content to work in the field. 

And then BAM... she ends up with Boaz and gives birth to Obed.... who is part of the genealogy of Jesus.

That's a pretty nifty contribution to society.

 

I'm at the point where I'm content.  Really content. (sometimes I feel like I border on apathy.) 

I'm not necessarily ready to bump into Boaz... but I'm curious about the road that will come along and point me in the direction I'm supposed to go.  What will I do with my life?

 

I realize that I have a priority to raise these boys.  But then what?  Do I have a path or destination in mind for my future? (other than marrying wealthy and traveling?) ha.

 

I will not get more cats.

 

It would be really nifty if God would pave a road with yellow bricks.

away from home

I love traveling.  Not so much for the sight seeing.. but more about being away from home.  
There is something freeing about traveling with clothes, toiletries, and minor road trip gear.   I can totally understand the enticement to hit the road when someone retires.    It's what Thayer and I used to dream about. 
No house stuff or responsibilities, no time line, no pets.

We are slowing falling back to reality after a ten day trip to Colorado.  The boys and I traveled out to see Thayer's family.   We met up, and traveled through the state of Colorado, with Thayer's brother and my niece and nephews.  
My boys were thrilled to have time with their cousins.   It had been too long.

The highlights of our trip included:

-grueling airport delays on three out of four flights.

-Visiting with the boys' Great-Grandparents and Grandfather.

-Making a fort in the woods.

-Picnicking on the Colorado National Monument.

-Swimming in hotel pools and hot tubs.

-Exploring SEVEN skate parks in six different Colorado cities.

-Riding the Royal Gorge Route Railroad.

*Swimming in the Arkansas River and diving into the rapids.

-Visiting the Gold Mine Rock Shop.

-white knuckle driving on Skyline drive.

*Going to Casa Bonita.

Huge trip. 
Many memories made.

freedom

I'm typing as a last resort while the kids are out roaming.  The  highlights of my day have included paying bills and cleaning the outdoor trash can.   

We returned on Saturday from an amazing, long, week at Smith Mountain Lake State Park.   That place has become one of my favorite places on the planet.   I would love to take up residence in one of those cabins and stay there all summer.    Mostly because I don't want to be at home... with home responsibilities.       
It was so nice to get away from it all.     I enjoyed sitting lakeside and the boys enjoyed playing with cousins and friends.

One of the perks about being away from home is also being 'unplugged'.  I dare say that it was one of the most pleasant weeks I've had in a long time.   Lots of uninterrupted time with my boys.   No need to check email or facebook.   No desire to Google anything.  No shackles of a computer addiction. 
I feel lighter and happier. 

 

Summer!

Our summer has officially arrived.   No school, no work.  All fun.

Last weekend, before school was out... Daniel competed in his first ever skateboarding competition.   We're totally new to that scene and it was interesting.   I was SO proud that he got out there and did his thing in front of spectators.   He ranked second place in the Beginner category.   I hope this will give him the confidence to get out there in the future.    He's pretty awesome.

This past Thursday was the last day of school!!   And the last day of elementary school for our family.   Kind of sad to say farewell to the people who have played such an important role in my kids' lives.  Those teachers and staff have been such an encouragement to me, as a single mom.   They have done their part as 'the village' for my kids..... It really DOES take a village ;)

So-- as of last Friday... S U M M E R freedom!!!    yay!

The boys jumped in feet first with an awesome hiking/camping trip with dudes from church.   I am so thankful that especially one guy from church has involved my boys with serious 'man' stuff.    This hiking trip seemed huge to me.... and yet they went... and LOVED every minute!   Both boys were excited to share the details and the happenings from the weekend.     They were quick to inform me that it was all stuff that I would have freaked out about.   I suppose that's why it was so fun.  The 'shock your mom' factor plays a huge role in male development, I'm sure.
I'm so happy for them and I hope that it can be a recurring thing.

On a side  note: I completed a daunting task today.   I have finalized all the trip planning for our trip to Colorado this summer.    Plane tickets in hand, car rental reserved, and several hotels reserved!   I Also have an entire page of addresses to several skate parks along our route!  (score cool points for Mom!)
This is the first ever "big" trip that I've had to plan entirely on my own.  I think that Thayer would be proud.   We will be going to visit with his family.   I'm looking forward to seeing my brother-in-law, nephews and niece... as well as catching up with extended family.    I'm so excited!   Now that the planning is set, I can sit back and enjoy my free days.

Second side note:  Tomorrow we are babysitting my sister and niece.  My sister is doing fabulous following her surgery.  I am thrilled that God has worked wonders during her recovery!

Good news all around this week :-)



family in crisis

I have seriously confirmed that I am a crisis blogger.   I can blog all day and night when there has been death, destruction, disfunction, dismemberment.
(thankfully that last one hasn't happened yet.)
I've signed on to blogger several times over the last month... with great intentions of typing absolutely nothing.   Things have been calm, scheduled, and uneventful in our lives.
I should have known that the tide would turn at some point.

This week brings me a great crisis story for my memoir but I want to challenge myself to type out the good points in this story.

1.  My sister is alive!
Early Wednesday morning, my sister had three seizures out of the blue.   There were several moments when we thought she was going to die.  seriously.  
A CT scan showed a spot of something on her brain.    Then a MRI confirmed that she had a Cavernous Malformation of the brain.  (I'll pause while you look that up.)

If anything could be wrong with your brain... this is a good thing to go wrong.   I was beyond thrilled that this was a fixable thing!     (But I must admit that the time spent waiting for the MRI results was very unnerving.)
 The neurosurgeon was able to do surgery on Thursday evening and the procedure was a success!   
I still can't comprehend that my sister had brain surgery!     And she was released to go home TODAY!    Modern medicine and a steady hand-- provided by God --is simply amazing.    
**Please cover her in prayer as she recovers from home.  There are still many challenges ahead.**

2.  My family is a beautiful rarity.
I guess I've always known that my family was special.  (I've been known to complain one day and rave the next)  But we really do have it good.  And I should bite my tongue next time I want to grumble. (as my friends have told me to) :)

I am so encouraged when I think about how ALL of our family gets along with each other.    Me, my sisters, my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins.   everyone... on my mother's side and my father's side.  
I can't recall ever having a family fued, of any kind.  

I saw our family in action when Thayer died. 
I saw it again when Shelley was hospitalized.  
Everyone drops what they are doing and helps out.   They don't wait for instructions.... they show up, they watch kids, they provide food, they sit, they wait, they talk.

In our immediate family, my parents take the gold medal.   They completely put their regularly scheduled lives on hold when things go awry for their daughters.   I can't count the number of miles they have driven, the meals they have made, the loads of laundry, the hours of babysitting, the yard work, the housework... (just to name a few of their sacrifices).    My sisters and I are very fortunate to live close to our parents.   And to each other.

We've never sat and discussed this, but I can contribute much of our family's closeness to the fact that we share a Christian faith.   Though we are far from perfect in our journey, we know the basis of how to love and forgive.  
I can see that many of our extended family members have the gift of compassion and service.  It is a special thing to know that we've got so many people 'on our side'.
I should totally verbalize this more.
We are blessed indeed.

blah

I've had almost a month of almost type-able moments.     Evenings when I wanted to debrief....  But I chose to watch Netflix and turn off my brain.  
I have slowly gone MIA.   This past Sunday I finally shut down.   Rain had canceled skateboarding plans....so I laid in bed from 2-5pm with little care of what was going on around me.

This past month has been uneventful, as I remember.   I know that we were busy most of the month and then things came to a halt.   I look forward to free time yet I don't quite know what to do with it.  I am thrilled when the kids request to visit the skate park.   I am able to escape the house for a few precious hours.   It's been confirmed that I am not a homebody.

I've struggled with Lucas this month.   We are currently on an up-swing.  I think I finally have a hold on consequences and limits that are helpful in controlling his outbursts.     But as you know, it's a bumpy ride with this kid.   
He and I played a Harry Potter board game tonight.   It was such a pleasure to spend some one-on-one time with him.   He thrives in those moments.

The anticipation of summer break brings a small breath of excitement to each day.   This school year has been the fastest yet.
We are looking forward to a vacation out west this summer.   We plan to visit with Thayer's family.    If only I could convince myself to book the tickets.  Maybe tomorrow.

Netflix is calling.

thinking of Spring!

I had forgotten how much I enjoy spring.
We are currently enjoying a heat wave and I was reminded that activity can take place outdoors again!

Tonight I sit on my newly cleaned-off carport, breathing the toxic fumes of the weed killer that I used in my gravel drive.  (you are welcome, neighborhood.  yes, that's my poison you smell.)
I'm listening to the birds chirp and the crunch of  (what I assume to be) deer hooves in the back yard.
Daniel was out a few minutes ago, riding his bike in the cul-de-sac.
I can't believe that he is twelve.  He'll be thirteen this year.

Tomorrow would be my 14th wedding anniversary.     Earlier today I thought about how Daniel has been around for most of those years.   And the fact that Daniel has been around longer than I was married.  (married only 9 years) 
I looked at Daniel and thought about how proud Thayer would be of his boys.   Thayer knew them when they were still so young... and cute.   I sometimes wonder what he would have taught them by now.  I wonder what they would have done on the weekends.   I'm sure that I would have assigned them a zillion house projects, and the boys would be super familiar with everything at Lowes.  

April is one of my favorite months.   New life is starting to bloom.  The grass is magically greener and the blossoms are beautiful.   I'm waiting for the Red Bud tree in our front yard to bloom.  
It's the tree that we planted in memory of Thayer.   
Thayer and I came home from our Honeymoon in April of 1999.  The Virginia roads were lined with blooming Red Bud trees and I can remember how Thayer and I marveled at their purple beauty.  I had never noticed those trees before.

I'm waiting for the Spring Peepers to wake up.   I hear one or two random frogs right now. I don't think it's the peeps.  I know that spring will officially be here when our backyard becomes a chorus of peepers.   I look forward to that every year.

Spring break was refreshing.  The boys and I visited Thayer's family in South Carolina and then made a spontaneous stop at the NC Zoo.    Arriving late in the afternoon, the zoo informed us that our tickets would be valid the next day!    We decided to grab a hotel that night.    We had to make a stop at Walmart for swim trunks.  I  called every hotel in the vicinity until we found one with an available room and an indoor pool.  (which is a must!)    We had to travel to some unknown city about 20  miles away.... but it was totally worth it!    The boys and I LOVED the unplanned mini vacation! 

I feel like we are fresh, renewed, and ready to rock this spring!

nothing is wasted

I've been pushing this song on a friend for a few weeks, and then this video was released and I can't get enough!
From the start, the miniatures are amazing. 
BAM!  Right away, I feel the loss of my marriage and my heart aches over Thayer's death, and the uncertainty of my future.
The story continues and I see my friends' losses and struggles unfold in miniature.   I carry a story for each item represented.

There is sadness.   There is loss.
Yet there is hope. 
Hope plants a seed for beauty to bloom.

I so often feel like I am waiting for that flowery ending.
and waiting, and waiting, and waiting. 

Jason sings a lovely reminder for those of us who are waiting....

"sometimes we are waiting in the sorrow we have tasted-

but JOY will replace it."

I do not wait in vain.

Thank you, Jesus, for speaking to us through song... and reminding us that there is more to come!

fatherless

We've finally received the snow that we've been waiting for all winter.    It came in 'spring', on Palm Sunday.  I love when God surprises us in unexpected ways. 

The three of us hung out all afternoon watching the snow fall and watching random things on Netflix.
The boys didn't venture outside to play until after dinner.  I don't expect to see them again until after dark... .when I insist that they come in and thaw out.  (they came in around 8:30)

The weather has been wacky.   Yesterday was warm and beautiful.   I took Daniel and the neighbor kids to a local skate park.  They skated for several hours. 

A few of the unattended kids would come over and talk to me because I was the only parent who was hanging out.   One of the boys, 9 years old, kept asking me to watch him.   He'd keep coming over and saying, "Did you see me?"    It was a curious thing that he needed so much affirmation.  
He was asking for the same attention from the skate park attendant.  
The attendant casually mentioned to me, "that kid really needs a Dad in his life".  
I quietly agreed.... and held back my initial thought of "my boys do too."

How interesting.  I wonder how often my kids come across as "needing a Dad in their life"?
I wonder if it's obvious to random people in public?   How obvious is it that my kids don't have a Dad?

I think I can speak for most widowed, single parents when I say this:

I'd be rich if I had a dollar for everyone who has tried to be helpful in asking, " Do your boys have a strong male influence in their life?"    Many well meaning people have suggested that my children's issues would somehow be less daunting if they had a great guy that could mentor them.
And I agree... but it's easier said than done.

In my case....The short, appeasing, answer is 'yes', my Dad (their Papa) hangs out with them alot.   He takes them on outings, he hangs out with them, and he is involved in their life.
But... he is their Grandfather.   He is filling that role perfectly.   He is not their Dad, nor do I want him in that role.

Many people have said, "Surely your church has some young men that can do things with your kids?"  And perhaps it does... but the opportunity hasn't presented itself on a regular basis.    I think it's hard to find mentors for kids when most men are busy with their jobs and their own families.   Who am I to suggest that they spend time with my kids as well? 
It would take a special person...

And would you believe that while I was writing this post, my attention was drawn to facebook and I noticed a link to a church message about the fatherless?!
I just spent the last 50 minutes listening to this message and I was so very encouraged.   I'm tempted to move to Atlanta and be a part of this church.  ;)
The North Atlanta Church of Christ is on to something!   As a single mom, their message, their children's ministry, and challenge to their members is exactly what I want to hear.   
 It was encouraging to see that there are men out there who are helping to raise boys to men.
(as a side note, I think that most churches drop the ball when ministering to 'modern families'.)

My ultimate hope and prayer is that God will be the father to my fatherless boys.   I'm relying on God to bring the right men into their lives, at the right time, to help shape them into the men that God wants them to be.   Right now, the mentoring pool is slim... but I pray that as my boys grow and become involved in various activities that God will place the right men in their paths.   
I have hope.  And God will provide.

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.  ~Psalm 68:5

 

The LORD watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked. ~Psalm 146:9

an amazing square

My ten year old has been begging for weeks for me to take him to Amazement Square.   Amazement Square is an amazing place the first time you go.   But after a year long family membership (which was a gift after Thayer's death... and very much used and very much appreciated).... the place got old and boring.

 Since Lucas' recent excitement seemed to be fresh, I took him and a neighbor for a magical visit to the museum today.   Interesting enough... except for one exhibit... the place was exactly as I remember it from 2009/10.

I tried to get some kind of discount for a "parent that would not be involved at all during their visit".... but alas I had to pay full price.   I knew that the boys would lose me in a heartbeat as they made themselves scarce in the climbing structure.     Lucas told me where to wait and they disappeared.  I wandered around a while and then sat in my designated location.   I knew without a doubt that they would show up again if they were hurt, hungry, thirsty, or bored. 

I'm not sure that the facility has awards for folks like me (the ones who let their kids run rampant).... but I found that ALL of the parents were letting their kids run rampant, but I was the only one smart enough not to run around looking for them.  (I was smart to wait in the 'designated meeting place') 

As I sat in the lobby for two hours I was amazed at what a stressful, uneasy environment this kind of place can be.   I was physically uncomfortable as I watched frantic parents looking for their kids.... screaming up into the 'tower' looking for little Jack.... running up the stairs to retrieve darling Adeline... watching Adeline reduced to tears while being reprimanded for running off by herself.

I was also amazed that for every one child that entered the doors, they were accompanied by atleast three or four adults.  Parents and grandparents.   The moms usually toting a smaller sibling and the grandparents looking flustered and confused.  
And even with an entourage of chaperones... the kid goes missing. 
Same story for two hours.
It was exhausting.

Some of the parents looked they they had it together until I realized that they actually were trying to wrangle 3 other kids out of the play structure.   Their assumption of control was a facade because clearly the kids were calling the shots.   I had a rare glimpse into some of these families because I was the fly on the wall.   So many wild eyed kids ran through that lobby.  And I kept thinking, "only in America".   geez. 

Then it occured to me that I used to be one of those parents!  I must have been.  I had two small children at one time...and I frequented crazy kids' places too.   At the time,  I thought I rocked the mommy thing... but apparently I was just as lame and crazy as the people I observed today.

And here I was.... sitting on the bench in the lobby relishing the thought that I had 'been there' and 'done that'.    Yet, also knowing full well the the kids that I should have been watching were playing havoc on four floors of fun.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of myself for making it through the early years.... or if I should feel guilty for enjoying the 'older' years a little too much.

my word

Currently reading My One Word by Mike Ashcraft.  
And my one word this year...   
(drumroll please)......

REST

This has been hard to explain to people because I do not simply mean being lazy or sleeping more.   (even though sleep does happen to be a focus for me this year!)

This year I want to focus on:

REST in God's presence.
The Lord replied, "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."   Exodus 33:14

REST in quiet time with God.
"...Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." Mark 6:31

REST in God's security.
"Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure." Psalm 16:9

REST in God's promises.
Praise be to the Lord, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promied.  Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses. 1 Kings 8:56

REST in contentment.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  Psalm 62:5

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7

REST from excess and rest from busyness.
These two carry over into several aspects of life and I'm anxious to see how God will teach me this year.

It's interesting to see the little ways that God has already spoken my word to me in the past few weeks.  Several Bible verses and songs have popped up at the right moment, as gentle reminders that God's got this.   My prayer is that I can rest in God alone this year and focus on deepening my relationship with him.

1st visual

Andrew Peterson has written the soundtrack of my life.   I have often thought that God uses Andrew as a direct line to my heart.   His music has followed me through marriage,babies, kids, moving, job transitions, road trips, financial and marital strains, road trips, death, and life transitions.    

Thayer introduced me to Andrew Peterson's music back in 2000.   Thayer ran sound for Andrew during a show at our church.   I didn't go to the concert, (I think I was home with a new baby) but Thayer brought home a CD.... and I was hooked.

As I was recalling the impact of Andrew's music on my life, I realized that Andrew's music has also been the background music for my boys.   They know the music.  I catch them singing along at times.   They have absorbed many of the songs subliminally while they slept on road trips.   They know about Andrew Peterson.

They are aware that Andrew came to sing at Thayer's memorial service.  Both boys were so young and they probably don't recall the details, or realize how gracious Andrew was to be a part of the service.

Despite the fact that they know about Andrew Peterson, I recently realized that they have never seen Andrew in concert!  

I took my boys to their first Andrew Peterson concert tonight.  (with special thanks to my friends John and Lois!)
Andrew and Jason Gray joined forces for this particular tour.   

The venue was our old church in Charlottesville.   It was nice to go back and recognize many familiar faces.
As I surveyed the room, I recalled the countless hours that Thayer worked while the church was being built.  He helped set up the sound system.   I could see his handiwork throughout the room.
Then I considered it odd how Thayer ran sound for Andrew Peterson back in 2000....
and now in 2013, Andrew was plugged in to the sound system that Thayer helped to design and construct.
(Just an interesting thought.)


Andrew Peterson (left) and Jason Gray (right)  Photo by Lois :)

Even more interesting.... when Andrew and Jason came on stage... Lucas leaned over and said "Which one is he?" 
WHAT?!   How could MY child not know who Andrew Peterson is?  Has he lived in a box his entire life?

Silly me.   Lucas has heard Andrew his entire life... but does not remember seeing him!    I was a bit amused... and even more determined to take my kids to more shows!

The concert was refreshing.   The boys bought a few CDs and a t-shirt.   And my bro-in-law snapped a great pic of Lucas and my niece with Jason Gray!
I'm looking forward to taking my kids out on the town more often :)

God is Awake

I have been enjoying the lack of eventfulness lately.   There has been nothing to report.  Nothing weighing heavily on my mind.  Nothing to keep me awake at night.

I've been sleeping 8+ hours at night.    And it's become a regular thing.  I have NO idea how I survived on three or four hours of sleep after Thayer died.  I remember being a zombie for a long time.... and people were pretty forgiving of that for so long.  
Even after the initial year or more of all-night cry fests,  I was still a night owl for several years... just out of habit.
Now, finally, I feel like a normal oldish person who goes to bed at semi-normal hours.
I have mastered the ability of falling asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.   I'm proud of that.

I have a gorgeous painting on my wall by Sunshine Barlowe Lewis.  It's the only piece of art that I own.... and I love it.     As I go to bed each night I can see the quote from Victor Hugo, who is one of my faves!
"Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones. And when you have finished your daily task, Go to sleep in peace - God is awake". - Victor Hugo

I sleep well at night knowing that God's got this.  No matter how sucky my day was or how much my kids are annoying me.  God's got this.  There is nothing that I can solve or accomplish in the dark of night.
I can sleep in peace knowing that tomorrow starts a new day. 
I try to remind my kids of that every night.  Tomorrow is a new day.   A new opportunity to start fresh, behave at school (and at work), be kind to people who bug us, and have a better attitude.  A new beginning, each day.

But looking back, there were many days when I would dread waking, not wanting to get out of bed, not convinced that the new day would be an improvement to the last. 
The 'sorrows of life' were overwhelming.  

 I think about dear friends who are currently in a mess of sorrows.   I know that they are sleepless at night and their troubles are overwhelming.  
My prayer is that they too will see that tomorrow is a new day.    

I have come out of that dark of night as a witness that God does have this.   Things will get better.  You will rest again.   It's a long night.... but take courage my friends.   God is awake.

Why I love my friends...

......and what I want in a man.....  

I want a decisive man.

Thayer used to make important decisions.   He was decisive and in control of most situations.

He always knew where he wanted to eat.

Since Thayer's death, I've found that eating out can be a challenge.  Obviously not a hindrance to my weight gain, but a challenge nonetheless.

After several years of painful car arguments, I have finally learned that I do not give restaurant choices to both of my boys at the same time.   I have learned that it is best to quietly discuss an eating location with one child before the car ride begins.    And then I announce the location once we are in route.

Planning with friends isn't quite as easy.
Restaurant selection with some of my friends goes as follows:
(the following roles can easily be reversed depending on who is driving the car.)

me: alrighty!  where to?
friend:  oh, I don't know.  where do you want to go?
me: I don't care.  you're driving. 
friend: so?
me: driving makes you in charge.
friend:  I don't know!
me:  I'm fine with anything.  
friend:  me too.
me: what do you feel like eating?
friend:  How about give me three choices and I'll pick.
me: okay.  A, B, C
friend:  C sounds good.
me:  oh, I forgot that I had C yesterday.
friend: oh.  then why did you suggest that!?
me:  I had just forgotten about it until now.   But I'm fine with going again.
friend:  you are such a dork.
me: I know.
friend:   So... A or B?
me: I dunno.
friend:  A has good ____.  but B has good _____.
me: hmm... either is fine.
friend:  How about D?  We haven't been there in a while?
me:  eh, it's okay.
friend:  so you're not feeling that?
me:  It reminds me of E.
friend:  How about F?  they have good french fries and ranch.
me: sold!   Why didn't you think of that ten minutes ago?!

I love my friends.    They are really patient with me!
But think of how much energy, time, fuel, and hot air we'd save if there was a decisive man in the car?!

me: where to?
man: let's go for Mexican.
me: okay.