tower of terror

The Tower of Terror ride description as seen on the Disney website:

"A ride on the "fright elevator" beyond the eerie boiler room in the hotel basement could be down, then up, or maybe down again, or up and up—every experience is different and randomly selected by the Tower itself. There's no way of knowing which direction you'll go on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror."

That's also a close description of my interactions with L.

I went to the counselor on Tuesday and expressed how encouraged I was about my relationship with L.
Tuesday night... all hell breaks loose.
Today was fine.
He was awarded the 'purple tape' at Karate for showing a good attitude and doing his best. (The instructor chooses one kid per class) Great attitude!! So proud!
But tonight was horrible again.... and I LOST it. I kept thinking.... "how can he be recognized for having a good attitude at Karate... and then as soon as his foot hits our doorway... he turns into a crazed lunatic!?!
I totally blew my chance at calming him tonight. When he screamed and yelled.... I screamed and yelled. It was horrible.
I don't know how much I will be able to restore with him tomorrow :( And I have no idea what to expect in the morning.
I'm really praying for a new day.... a new start.
We've got a great weekend planned and I want it to start off well.
Please pray for us!!

rainbow

I was encouraged yesterday when God painted a beautiful rainbow that made an entire restaurant stop and take notice.
The boys and I had noticed the rainbow before entering the restaurant. It was very bright and distinct.
As we got settled at our table, I noticed that folks all around us were distracted from their conversations, out of their chairs, taking pictures with their cell phones, huge smiles on their faces... totally enamored by God's fabulous creation.
It's amazing how God's creation can stop us in our tracks and demand us to take notice.


Thanks to my uncle Ben for capturing the moment!

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. you give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
Nehemiah 9:6

friends

I just returned from an evening at my sister's house with several friends. A semi-random group of us get together once a month. I have such a great time listening to zany stories and enjoying lots of laughs.

One of my bestest lifelong friends came along and we were able to recall some of the events of our earlier years. CRAZY times. I have a horrible memory... but circumstances and locations flashed through my memory as she recalled several events.

(Yep, we grew up with Paris Lenon, we will claim to know Becky when she is super famous, and what the heck ever happened to Seth? )

Back in the day... we actually had lots of friends. And as we have lived life, our friend pool has diminished. After many years, it's easy to name and claim the special people who have stuck. I'm proud to have a handful of people who I have known since early childhood that still claim me as their own.
What a blessing.

I've had the privilege to see a few of my dear friends over the past few weeks. It has been so refreshing and encouraging. I am so thankful for you girls!

:o)

what's it gonna be?

I've been doing the counseling thing. I've gone three times to get some parenting pointers. Especially in interacting with my youngest.
So far, so good.
I see progess in myself and the boy.

Today, the counselor managed to get me to cry (impressive, eh?) as I shared some of my fears about Thayer's absence. We talked about a few things but I think I've come to realize that no matter how much I claim to hold tight to God's promise of a future...I have days when I falter and I start to wonder what kind of future I could possibly have.

I told the counselor today that every night when I make sandwiches for the boys' lunches, I can remember back to when Thayer was here, and I would say "I just can't make another sandwich! I am sick of making sandwiches!"
And I remember how Thayer lovingly took over the sandwich duty. He would gladly pack the lunches when I was tired of the monotonous job.
So now, when I make the sandwiches... it's just me. every day. And I realized that I could be making sandwiches most week nights for the next 11 years. Is that the kind of future I get to look forward to?

yes, I know that making sandwiches isn't a huge deal. And yes, I know that my kids are capable of making their own sandwiches.
And yes, I know that many of you, including my mom, made sandwiches every day for years... and have never compained.
(so save your comments) ;)

I think that it's just the thought that there is no one else to do it that can be dark for me.
There is no one else to clean up the cat puke. There is no one else to run by the store on the way home. There is no one else to be the spiritual leader of my family.
If I let myself dwell on these concerns, I could really wallow. But God usually quickly pulls me together and reminds me that He's in charge. I'm done with worrying. I have to know that God is in charge... or I'd totally be a wreck.

So, perhaps my fear is that I'll be alone in this gig. And I think I need to be ready to accept whatever the future may bring.
When people say "take it one day at a time". I really have to. I have no idea what to expect.... or what my future holds.
One sandwich at a time.

Bring it.

saturday morning mellowness :o)

the big investment

L officially starts karate classes tonight. We are both very excited. :o)

He and I went yesterday for an introductory lesson accompanied by the "tuition" talk.
It was seriously something similar to one of those 'Timeshare' talks. The guy was really nice... but it was all very scripted. He explained how wonderful everything was and gave super examples. He pulled L in by teaching a few basic moves, etc.
Then he proceeded to pull out the notebook and dry erase marker.... writing numbers and showing me the best values, etc.
Then I was reminded of being in a car salesman's office. He would step out every few minutes, explaining that he had left this sheet, or that info, in the other office.

Perhaps I shouldn't have agreed to the first figures?? Are karate classes negotiable? (somebody let me know!)

I should have known that it would feel shady. These are the same creepy guys who stand outside of the Dollar store and solicit in parking lots, asking people to take a "quick survey".
I think their whole method of recruiting is creepy.
I try to remind myself that they are just trying to make a living.

anywho.
Putting all of my initial grumbles aside... I think this will be very good for L. I can tell that he will learn alot about self discipline and respect. Heck, if he just picks up basic manners from these classes, it'll be worth every penny :-)

And, like a friend reminded me... it's way cheaper than therapy.

I'll keep ya posted.

fresh paint

L and I have both painted our rooms over the past few weekends. The walls are fresh and new. But that is the extent of it.
The rest of the house is a disaster. The paint supplies are still piled up the hallway, there is crap all over the place, clean laundry piled up in the living room and something sticky all over the kitchen floor.

I know that this post is sounding similar to many previous posts. And I know that I will get the cleaning bug, eventually, and tackle the devasting environment that is sucking the life right out of me.

For now, I am grasping onto my small victories.
-The new paint is good as long as you focus on the wall, and not the contents of the room.
-I have cut my grass twice. (thanks Dad for trimming!)
-I managed to clean out a small section of Thayer's "junk side" of the basement. (REALLY small section but a HUGE step for me.)

The rest of the household work has been more internal these days.

The kids and I started family counseling a few weeks ago. After meeting with the three of us, the counselor has met with me twice to suggest ways for me to interact with L, to combat some of his anger.
The counselor has been helpful and I have started to evaluate the way I interact with my kids. But coming from my 'tough love' mindset, I am struggling a bit.... trying to re-word my interactions to get favorable outcomes. I've got to work on forming some new habits!

I even think that the counselor ruffled my feathers a bit today. I shared some of my concerns about his suggestions and he challenged me by saying,
"do you want to be right or do you want to build relationship?"

He's right. The whole reason we started counseling was for the sole purpose of learning to live together in a civil manner. So I should expect that it's gonna take some humility from me.
I'm working on it.

Just like the house... small steps. little victories. one day at at time.

11th

Today would be our 11th anniversary.

The weather is beautiful. The red bud is in bloom and the heart shaped leaves are appearing.

My parents brought me a lovely plant for the front porch in honor of the day.

D and I took a bike ride around the block.

My boys have kindly agreed to accompany me to the Toby Mac concert this evening.

It's a good day.

I miss him.

the feud continues

Let's rewind a couple of months:
L had been reading The American Boy's Handy Book. He had decided that it would be a good idea to build a boat. He thought it would be nifty to have a boat that he could pull back and forth across the creek. I thought it would be a great project for the boys and their grandfather. L showed the plans to Papa... who decided that a bridge would be a perfect way to get across a creek. ;)
So... the planning began. My wonderful father worked very hard for many days gathering materials and assembling sections that would be assembled on site by the boys and their Papa. A footbridge, wide enough for the red wagon, would soon be a reality.
Fast forward to yesterday:
Bridge was ready to be assembled. My Dad and the kids unloaded the boards and carried them to position.
They were happily in the woods, working.
I was in the house painting.
and
My neighbor was on the phone with the owner of the creek property... Which resulted in two city police officers knocking on my door.

(and let me tell you... I could go a lifetime and not need to see another uniformed officer on my porch. I'm tense just typing about it!)

yep. The neighbor reported that "someone was dumping trash at the end of the cul-de-sac." (She gave them my address as the "someone".)
After a brief explanation of the project that my Dad had going on with my kids, the officer made a call on his radio that nullified anything about trash being dumped. He was very cool about the whole thing. And I've got to give props to these officers... they made me feel at ease... it turned into a rather nice little visit :o)

(I also feel I should mention that when my neighbor made her complaint to officials, she gave an incorrect address for herself. She made it look as though my neighbors across the street had made the call. The guy over there looked rather confused when the officers went to clear things up.)
Upon my prompting, they went next door to confirm she had made the call. I assume they explained the situation to her.
The officers returned to my house. (yep. of course it was her)
They also gave me the name of the property owner and suggested that I contact the owner and gain permission to use the property.

Turns out that the property belongs to a business and they cannot allow us to build anything due to liability issues. The bridge will have to be removed. The property manager mentioned coyotes and "other things" that make it too high a risk. Which is totally acceptable...coming from the property manager. We will comply. The boys and my Dad will be disassembling the bridge and moving it to another location.

I just feel so badly for my Dad. He devised this great "guy" project to do with the kids... only to have it crapped on by my neighbor. I just really wish that she would mind her own business.

And tonight... I'm vowing not to let her invade my mind, anymore. I always like to say that I don't let her actions 'get to me'... but I think it's chipping away at me. I can usually laugh it off... but I am starting to realize that I am dwelling on it way too much. I can easily lie awake at night and formulate my words for when I decide to confront her, or dream up quirky ways to retaliate.
But in doing this... I am allowing her to bring me down. I need to realize that her bizarre thirst for my family's blood cannot control me. Nor will I let it.
No more, I say! No more!

James 4:12 says:
There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?

It goes both ways... I know.

my deep thought for today:

"It's hard to love your neighbors when they are asses."

I was just thinking that I have never been treated so weirdly by anyone before and it just baffles me.
I try not to let it get to me...

I just wish that they would go ahead and build a fence.

There. I'm over it for today. ;-)
moving on...

My April Fool's lesson

This morning the kids woke up and discoverd a flyer on the kitchen table. I was folding laundry in the living room and the kids were calling to me saying "what's this?!" I had to explain that it was a flyer for a week long camp that I was going to send them to this summer.
Chore Camp.
D kept saying "I don't understand!" They were baffled. They read the descriptions of what they would be doing and they were floored. L was instantly furious and D was just "put off". They were so angry. They were refusing to go to Chore Camp, and L said that he would stay in bed the whole week and do nothing.
I let them fuss and fume for about 15 minutes before I reminded them that it was April 1st.
Which at that point, I really thought I would get a chuckle or a "wow, you really got us mom!"
But NO. They were both disappointed in me. And D reminded me, "See Mom! THAT's why we can't do April Fools at school! Because it hurts people's feelings!"

hmmm.... who would have thought? I prided myself in actually pulling off a prank today only to be shunned by my kids.
:p

winding down and warming up

I just returned from a conversation packed Ladies Night. I know that "what happens at Sonic, stays at Sonic".... but since this happened at my sister's house, I feel like I can share- without naming names ;)
I'm amazed at what comes up in conversation when you throw a wide variety of ladies together.
Tonight we discussed bodily functions and failures, mammograms, the composititon of poop and constipation, the king from the Bible whose intestines fell out (2Chronicles 21:18-19), pot, kids, dancing, speech delays, youtube ;), surgeries, tubing, hitmen, cancer, death, and disabilities... among other things.
I always enjoy hearing the stories and hearing the laughter.

I came home tonight to a 62 degree house and I recall a phone conversation that I had earlier today:
"Hi. My heat pump thingy isn't working too well. It's been doing weird stuff, off and on....do you think I could set up an appointment for you to come by and check it out sometime next week? Sure, Wednesday is great."

I'm sure that I can go without heat till wednesday. really. it's spring.
But I wasn't planning on a 24 degree night. Thank goodness for my new down comforter :o)

exciting irritation

FINALLY!!! The school nutrition people have implemented an online "cafe prepay" program, for an easy way to manage my kid's school meal accounts.
Other school programs have had this ability for years and I was waiting patiently for our school system to catch up.

For the past few years, I have been blindly sending money to school for their lunch accounts. I would give them permission to buy lunch or breakfast.... and I was really trying to keep up with their balances. But then, out of the blue, I would receive notices that one or the other kid owed the school money!
I would get so frustrated... being pretty sure that they were purchasing food when they weren't supposed to, or buying "extra" junk with their lunches.
It's the litte stuff that irritates me. Like disappearing money.
I even went as far as to request that the cafeteria ladies not feed my kids unless they had cash in hand. But alas... I still received "balance due" memos. Argh.

So... imagine my delight when I recevied the letter about the online account! SOOooooo thrilled :-)
I just went online to set up an account and check their balances.
Oddly enough... L has a balance of $10 and change. And D has a balance of 95 cents.
D claims that he is only buying when he has permission. He suggests that perhaps someone else is using his PIN number?! (Which he told me earlier in the year that this is impossible since a mug shot shows up on cashier's computer)
Something's fishy here. And I think it's his story.

So... I'm thrilled to have the ability to track their accounts online. Which I plan to watch like a hawk!
But I'm super irritated that I have sneaky kids. And I'd sure like to know what he purchased with $9 worth of lunch money!

green day

I've done something motherly!
Check out the lunches that I'll be sending with my boys tomorrow. I am super proud of my effort because it's probably the only nifty thing that I'll pull of this year.



In case you can't appreciate all of the genius above, here is a rundown.... Turkey and cheese in a GREEN spinach wrap, GREEN goldfish, GREEN pear flavored apple sauce, GREEN koolaid, GREEN veggie chips, and a GREEN mint!

Pretty sure that my kids aren't gonna eat any of it... but it looks amazing, eh?
I'm sure that they would be thrilled about the veggie chips if I had raised them on a diet of cardboard.
Because they are disgusting!!!
But they are GREEN! ;)

Not sure what has gotten into me-about the green... it's weird.
I'm the mom that totally overlooked the school classes on important holidays... like Christmas! But yet I volunteered to provide a snack for St. Patricks day. That's random.
Once again... genius... I'm taking green koolaid, green jello jigglers and Lucky Charms cereal :-)

Happy St. Patricks Day!

time to reclaim

I've been living in a disaster of a house for several weeks now. Every room has crap thrown all over the floor and the counters are piled up with stuff. I've been unmotivated to dig out of the pit. I've allowed myself to wallow a bit... But I know that "this too shall pass".

A lady at our church was killed in an accident last Sunday and the circumstances ended up playing havoc on me...as I thought about what her family was going through.
It's just been a weird week.

I had planned a get-away this weekend that was canceled because the receiving end was sick. I was REALLY looking forward to escaping for a few days.
My initial thought was that I would take flight with the kids and find a random hotel where we could flee our week and swim in the hotel pool.
But that is quite a lofty plan. Especially since that would involve shaving my legs. :)

I decided to stick in town and go to the movies. We saw Alice in Wonderland. (I love Johnny Depp) ;)

I am proud to say that, this morning, I reclaimed my living room. It is now clutter free, carpet vacuumed, furniture dusted, and plants watered. One small area of sanity in this crazy house, in this crazy life. I am hoping that the small oasis of motivation will decide to spread to the rest of the house, and life.

it's a God thing

As many of you know.... L has been dealing with alot of anger since Thayer died. I would say that his change in attitude and his behavior have been some of the most dramatic changes that have occured as the result of Thayer's death.
Well... that... and the fact that I don't cook anymore. So really, attitude and diet have suffered the most since Thayer's death.
(Yes, I'm sure that the diet has affected our attitude but that's another subject altogether.)

For the past several weeks, L has been on a rampage. The slightest little inconveniences have sent him into a screaming, destructive wreck. I haven't helped the situation either. I've lashed out at him on several occasions as well.
But overall, I do remain calm.

One day last week he came home from school like a bat out of hell. He immediately screamed about his homework- so I sent him to his room, where he destroyed his notebook and ripped up previous homework assignments. He then proceeded to fall asleep in his closet in a basket of stuffed animals.
(gotta admit that was cute). He slept from 4:30-6:45pm. Upon waking, he came out of his room and ate three bowls of cereal.
(I thought for sure that the sleep and food would cure his ill temper). Until he asked, "what day is it?" He was shocked and horrified that it was still the same day.
He had emerged from his closet sleep, assuming it was the next morning.... so he freaked out AGAIN and put himself to bed.

So here's the kicker!-
When I went to his room later that night, assuming he was asleep.... That little guy was on his bed reading the Bible!!
woah. This is completely out of his present character! And imagine my surprise when he asked me to sit on his bed so he could read the New Testament to me! He wanted to read "the red words that Jesus said". So I had him read several passages to me. He was SO willing and eager.
Then, he jumped out of bed to grab a devotional book that we used to read each night. He reminded me that it had been a while. He insisted that I would read the corresponding scripture and he would read the devotional.
again... woah.
We had an amazing time in God's word.

Once again, God used a little moment to teach me something big.

I know for a fact that God spoke to L's heart that night and encouraged L to pick up the Bible. L knew that he needed God to calm his heart and settle his anger.

And the cool part is.... I had NOTHING to do with it.
L and I had been on bad terms for about a week. Nothing I could have said or done would have given him the notion to call on God.
This was truly a God thing. This made real the fact that God draws people to Himself.
We could be great loving parents or frustrated single parents, imperfect and fumbling... but ultimately God is the one who will call our children to follow Him.
Of course, I have the reponsibility of raising my kids to the best of my ability.... but I know that God can work miracles amongst the ruins. And I found great relief in seeing this with my own eyes.

I have been praying all along that God will fill the void that my boys have in Thayer's absense. In theory, it's great to think that God will father my kids. But to actually see it happen was a huge encouragement.

using restraint

I just a read a blog in which I am dying to post a comment. I debated for a few minutes and then decided that it wasn't worth it.
My simple comment would be:

"and all the while your children continue to grow up so quickly."

there. I said it.
Just not to the blogger.
Every ounce of me wants to shout it at this person. But I will hold my tongue, this one time. For the sake of being nice and not offending.

wow. I didn't know I had the ability to hold my tongue. I learn something new every day :-)

um... but in reality, I guess I didn't hold my tongue because I just shared it with you. hah.

the unknown

I have had "caller ID" on my home phone for years.
Even so... 9 out of 10 times, I would answer my phone as if I had no idea who was on the line. :-) But of course I knew! Every time.
I had the ability to screen my calls if we were eating dinner or entertaining friends.
I was trained to come home and immediately glance at the phone to see if anyone had called.
It was quite convenient to foresee what type of conversation would follow the ring.

These days, I have become more fluent on my cell phone so I decided to cut my home phone services WAY back. I've got a super basic line with NO caller ID.

The first few days I would still come home and look at the phone screen... but it would be blank. I decided that I needed to replace the wall phone (that was equipped for caller ID) so I could break my habit of constant phone surveillance.

(Can you believe that a basic phone, without all of the frills, only costs $5!! Hard to believe you can buy anything for $5 these days!)

anywho. So I've got this regular old phone on my wall. And it's lovely. :-)

And now, when the phone rings, my initial reaction is, "oh! Who could it be?! And I wonder why they are calling?!"
It's almost like a guessing game for me! :0)
I really, truly don't have a clue who's on the line when I answer it! So please- identify yourself! ;)

In a world where we are so gratified by constant information... I feel like I've taken it down a notch. and it's so nice.

nothing

Now that I'm off of facebook.... I'm not able to update my status to let everyone know what I'm wearing or where I'm going. So- here's my status for today:

"Jill is doing absolutely nothing."

After church and lunch, the kids took off to a neighbor's house. They were invited to stay for dinner so they were gone a LONG time. I didn't have a clue what to do with my time. Housework and the necessary chores didn't look tempting at all.
So I decided to have a do-nothing day. These are very rare for me.
(even though I did enjoy quite a few back in the snow).

I've realized that do-nothing days are refreshing and depressing at the same time.
I decided to nap and watch movies... usually teeny bopper/romantic comedies... that end up making me sad and lonely.
I just finished watching "10 Things I Hate About You" (which is always a favorite!) and I'm actually sad?! unbelievable!
How come all of these movie characters are getting so much action while I sit at home alone?!

Then, I like to remind myself that life isn't like the movies.

Off to fold the laundry...

retreat

I attended the womens retreat at church this weekend.
I went into the weekend, assuming that I wasn't really a "crowd" person. And also assuming that attending the retreat would be a stretch for me, because I wasn't sure what to expect, or who I would know.

It's always super weird to walk into a crowd of people and wondering where to fit in. But it turns out that I actually know more people than I thought.
Of course it helped that my sister and Elaine were on hand. But I not only talked with them, but I managed to talk to other people too! :-) impressive, eh?

I think it was a great time of teaching and fellowship. I'm super glad that I attended.
good times. :-)

movie

I just watched Love Happens.

(and I wanna know why I've never heard of this movie before!? it was released in 2009?!)

It was nice to see a movie about a widower, in which dealing with grief is the focal point of the story.
The movie alluded to the fact that we all deal with grief differently, and that it needs to be dealt with.
But honestly, this movie didn't do anything for me. I was really hoping for a more raw, real depiction of grief. I wanted to cry more. But that didn't happen.

As I was watching the story unfold, I vaguely thought that my own story would be more interesting than this movie's plot.
I'm just waiting on my happy ending so a screenplay would look more appealing :)

Or maybe, for now, I'll start compiling that book of mine. Then I'll add the 'happy ending' part and get the movie underway. ;0)

hehe

my explanation

Alrighty. I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account. And I've been barraged with questions as to why I would do such an unthinkable crime.

First of all:
Some of you will be glad to know that a "deactivation" is less severe than a "deletion". The world of FB will save my account and settings if and when I choose to return.

Now for my explanation:

It all started a few weeks ago when I realized that my addiction to Facebook Scrabble had morphed from a happy hobby into a chore. I had made the decision that I was going to wean myself from the Scrabble.
My good friend, Sabrina, had also made a comment about stopping the Scrabble. I was convinced that she and I shared a brain at that point.
But to my surprise... by the next day... her profile was GONE from Facebook! She had done the unthinkable... and I was fascinated!
She challenged me to think about what I was really accomplishing through my activity on Facebook.

Over the past few days, I have tried to gather my thoughts and reasonings for making my decision.

-If I'm honest here, Facebook was easily an idol for me. It was often the first thing I'd do when I came home each day and the last thing I'd do before bed. I didn't feel like my routine was complete unless I had checked in on FB.
-I really don't think that God wants us to focus so much on the virtual. He is a relational God, and I've decided that reading about what someone eats for dinner isn't a relational way to live. I think God would want us to GO and eat WITH someone....
Experience life and not just read about it.
-I want to spend more time with my kids. I don't want my kids to grow up and have memories of their mom sitting in front of a computer.
--In the real world, I don't have 102 friends! I have a handful of good friends. And I want to nurture those friendships.
-I want to challenge myself to revisit "old fashioned" communication. Email, phone calls and snail mail.
(I have an acquaintance who regularly sends me encouraging cards... and I cherish it! I want to do that kind of thing for others.)
-I would love to blog more. :-)

-By eliminating my FB activity, I'm not getting rid of friends and acquaintances... I'm just limiting the excess that facebook produces. I will still see my friends in person and I will still have access to acquaintances. I just want to cut back on the intake and quantity. I really want to start becoming intentional on my relationships with those that are closest to me.

behavior

I'm been contemplating my behavior lately.

The other night, a friend of mine, was casually telling me about a girl's night out that she attends. She was somewhat tickled to see how the different ladies tend to talk, or choose their actions, to conform to the group...
of mostly church ladies.
I understood that to mean that they were all being on their best behavior, possibly not being totally relaxed.
Which happens. So I didn't think much of the story at the time.

Later, I began to wonder if I tend to change my behavior depending on the company that I am keeping.
Isn't that what some would call hypocritical?
So I started wondering if anyone would perceive me to be hypocritical.

At the end of the day, I don't care what you think about me... but sometimes I wonder :)

so... as I'm thinking about myself in various social settings... I tend to think that I behave pretty much the same around everyone. Most of you can vouch for the fact that I am far from perfect in my social graces, or lack thereof. :-) And I would hope that I am consistent in my behavior.

There is one behavioral difference that I instantly noted:
I realize that I have rarely, if ever, used bad language in church or at work. And really... who would curse in those settings?
(golly, this makes it sound like I have the mouth of a sailor at other times. It's not that bad... but I'll admit that I'm not 'all holy, all the time')

Other than that, I think I'm safe to say that my behavior is fairly consistent in my peer groups. I really DO want to be the same for everyone. Why waste time and energy on being something, or someone, that you are not? I just want to be me, all the time.

So this week, I'm taking note of my behavior. Let me know if I do something outrageously wrong. :-) I'm curious.

favorite song of the day....

What Do I Know of Holy. by Addison Road.

(Lovely. Jamie says it's "soulful." yep.)

new single from Francesca

Just heard the new single, Beautiful Beautiful from Francesca Battistelli on the radio tonight.
But yet, this song is way too familiar to me.
I purchased her album just a few days before Thayer died. And after his death, I can vividly remember listening to this song over and over and over.
The lyrics spoke such truth to me in my darkest moments.
So... hearing this song on the radio is a bitter-sweet reminder of some of the most difficult days of my life. But a great reminder that God was my "sunlight burning at midnight". whew.


Beautiful Beautiful
Francesca Battistelli

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

(Chorus)

snow daze

I'm watching my kids play in the snow today. As I have done for the past 8 days. We were fortunate to have the kind of snow that hangs on just long enough to allow for the schools to be closed, as well as my work. An entire week out of school, for snow, is unheard of in this area.
I am convinced that it is God's way of getting us all to slow down. dramatically.

I'm the kind of person who has always needed to get out of the house. Even when I had infants I ventured out... somewhere... EVERY day... just to stay sane.

Interestingly enough, this past week, I have learned to be still. Very still.
We've had the kind of week that I didn't even know existed. The boys have been absorbed in their friends. They have played outside for 6-8 hours each day. And their time indoors has been full of movies and video games.
I'll be surprised if either of them remember how to read when they return to school.

I've struggled off and on this week about what my role as mom should be on a snow day. I hear about other moms who facilitate games, or crafts, or baking with their kids.
But my kids just aren't having that. They want to be with their friends.
I've realized that they have reached the age where mom alone cannot entertain. And I'm starting to accept that.
It's actually pretty neat to have so much free time on my own. But I am antsy about what to do with it!

So... this week I have learned a little about what to do when the kids aren't around. I became really good at laundry... as always. And I watched some movies (during DAYLIGHT hours!)... which has NEVER happened when the kids are conscious. And I actually enjoyed shoveling snow because it made me feel as though I accomplished something.
You know... I could have cleaned the entire house this week. Possibly even organized the junk stuff in the basement.
But I didn't do anything.
Some may consider my actions lazy. And maybe that is what I was aiming for.
It's not often that the factory of life gets shut down for a week.
Tomorrow we'll slowly crank up the machines and start production again.

what we watch

As many of you know, I don't watch tv.
I even stopped watching The Office a few months ago (even though I do have my calendar marked to watch the episodes when Jim and Pam have their baby) :-)
It turns out that I've got so much more important stuff to do instead of watching TV... like playing Scrabble on Facebook and taking hot baths. :-) haha.

But this week, I have started with Netflix. It's my new little fling. I'm assuming that my excitement for this will last about as long as my excitement about Band Hero. I'll keep you posted.

Interesting enough, I have chosen to watch TV episodes via netflix. I have been watching episodes of Six Feet Under and Dead Like Me.
While others are enjoying "Smut TV" like The Bachelor... here I am watching Smut TV about death.
I can oddly relate to some of the content and I like to be able to think "yeah, that's how it is" OR "nope, the writers got that all wrong".

anywho. I struggle with the fact that both of these new-to-me shows have a super storyline but they are littered with cursing and the occasional unnecessary sex scene. I have, against my better judgement, chosen to continue watching the stories unfold. I am really intrigued by the plots and I have just chosen to overlook the stupid array of litter.

As I think over my choice to watch this smut, I wonder if it is a wise decision... and I wonder how we can justify watching anything at all.

Tonight, I watched a movie that someone (my sister!) said was "cute". As I watched The Invention of Lying I was offended. The premise of the movie would have been cute until "hollywood" portrayed the truth of God and Heaven to be a lie. It was done casually and in humor....
You'd have to see the movie to understand... but if you read into it... hollywood was ultimately saying that Christians are just happy because we are believing the lie about God and having false hope in heaven. I was even offended because the movie seemed to mock Jesus.
(Did you notice any of this stuff, sis?!)

I usually take this stuff in stride... knowing that everyone has their own opinions... but this movie just rubbed me the wrong way.... probably because it was so subtle... just the way Satan wants it to be.

So. I'm convicted, to a point, about what I'm going to choose to watch via Netflix. And I wonder how I can effectively filter out the trash...

yes, I know that the correct answer is: "Don't watch any of it." And like I mentioned above, this little fling with netflix shouldn't last too long.
so no lectures needed ;)

lobster killer

I just watched Julie and Julia. Everyone was right! It was a great film. Inspiring! to some people.
and convicting to me.

One friend blogged that it inspired her to start cooking again.
hah. I wasn't inspired in the least.

Perhaps I was inspired to have a husband. Julie and Julia had super duper husbands. Lucky them.
I'll have to be on the lookout. :)

If anything... the movie reminded me that I don't have a passion for anything. Nothing that I feel strongly about...
and the closest thing I have to a hobby is my nightly, scalding bath. (Which btw... is a super hobby to have.)

Seriously...
Am I really that dull?
How can I take a "feel good" movie and turn it into a depressing place to wallow?

Yes, I know that there are many seasons of life... and right now... I'm stuck in a season that I need to start being comfortable in.
It's just that I'm so darn antsy...

not a new thought... but it is for me.

We all know that my favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I've got this verse framed, in my bathroom, and I've read it every morning for 17 months.
A few days ago, God showed me something from this verse that I hadn't considered before.

I have always carried great hope for a future. If anyone has hope, it's me :)
It's that promise of a future that I keep clinging to.

But God says here... "plans to GIVE HOPE". He not only says that he will give a future... but he says he will "GIVE hope".

In the wake of the earthquake in Haiti and the recent murders in a nearby county... I can see that lots of people do not have hope, of any kind. Words can not describe the pain that so many families and friends are enduring this week. My heart breaks for everyone involved.

But it adds comfort to the ache knowing that God has promised to "give hope".
When there is no hope to be had...we can hold on and know that it's coming!
When things can't get any worse...we can atleast hold out our hands and ask him to give a little hope.
And I think a little hope will go a long way.

17 months.

I always tell myself that I am going to go back and read my blog posts from this date, last year. I'd be curious to see how much things have changed or how much I have learned over the course of a year.
Tonight, I remembered to look back at this post, from January 16, 2009.

I was suddenly reminded that today is the 16th of the month. And then I had to count on my fingers, several times, to conclude that it has been 17 months since Thayer died. And even on a Saturday.
After reading the post from last year, I realized that not much has changed in a year. The grief can still be so overwhelming and we are still just doing the best that we can.
Really... what more would I expect?
Fortunately, I can report that the grief bursts are fewer and scattered. But they still pop up when you least expect it.

I cried while preparing a grapefruit for L the other day. I vividly remembered how Thayer and L would share grapefruit and how Thayer VERY strategically prepared the fruit for consumption. Lucas shared his memory with me and I was thrilled that L was able to remember such little details of special moments between him and his Dad.

passive aggressive

Okay. The neighbors.
Man, woman, (college age?) daughter.
I learned pretty quickly after we moved in that these people would probaby enjoy living in a commune far away from other people. But somehow, they chose the cul-de-sac in the city, where they have slowly been surrounded by people... with children.

I have spoken to the man once. It was very shortly after we moved in. My kids were exploring the woods on the edge of our adjoining yards. The man came home from work and very nicely said that the kids should be careful because he had encountered several copperheads in the yard.

Later on, I realized that what he probably really meant to say was, "stay the hell out of my yard."

I have since seen him sprint out of his house, in his pjs, to shoo a couple of skateboarders out from the area in front of his house. (please correct me if I'm wrong... but I believe that the city owns the first few feet of property bordering the street, right?)

moving on.

The lady. We have exchanged 'hellos' out by the mailbox several times, and we've chatted about our pets. But that's it. If I get a personal visit, I know that something must be dreadfully wrong. We had an incident with a bee hive a few months ago that totally flustered me. Things didn't work out the way that she planned and I don't think I've laid eyes on her since.

It's not really the lack of verbal communication that baffles me. It's the interesting little actions that they take in order to solve their dire irritations.
Most of what I notice, I have tucked away somewhere, not even to be thought of again. I try not to waste energy on some of this stuff.

But their actions today.. make me partly want to chuckle and partly want to scream.

Rewind:
My kids have strict orders to stay out of the neighbor's yard and driveway. The other neighbor kids do not. So I feel like I'm constantly reminding them to steer clear.
And, to make a long story short... and admit some fault on our part... over the past few weeks, the kids have been drawn to snowy and icy areas out by the woods. And I've even caught them sledding through the neighbor yard a couple of times :(

So, here's the kicker:
I woke up this morning, opened the curtains to see a lawn chair stretched out and open, on the edge of their yard, where a slight remainder of sledding trail once was. A subtle way of saying "don't come this way", I assume.

We came home this afternoon to see THREE lawn chairs open and stretched out along the property line.
Come on now, really?? I think we got the point with the first one.
And to think that they used the energy to drag two more chairs out, through the mud, to mark their territory? absurd.
And really? Are my kids actually going to be sledding in the mud today? (there is no snow left!)

This also reminds me of when they parked one of their cars at the very end of their driveway, for several months. And I ventured to think that it was just their way of keeping kids from cutting catty corner through their driveway on bikes or on foot.

Now, I realize that kids are loud. And that I'm pretty loud when I holler out the door. But are we really that much of a nuisance?
I keep my yard tidy and the kids put their bikes and toys away in the evenings. Are we really that bad to have as neighbors? Have we caused damage to their property or murdered their pets?
Not that I know of.

For goodness sakes.. go ahead and put up a real wall to accompany the relational one that already exists...
geez.

happier stuff

I realize that I always blog about the depressing stuff or the bad stuff... mostly because journaling is a great way to work through my feelings. Once it's typed out, I usually rest easier.
I'm going to attempt to post some happier stuff tonight.

I'm really happy that Christmas is over. I'm just not a fan anymore.
Well...I'm certainly a fan of Jesus' birth.... just not fan of everything that our society has done to His birth month.

Now that it's January, I'm happy that we are getting back into our routine. I've noticed that a few new pastimes have developed over the past few weeks.

-I have recently been CRAVING time with friends. (and that's probably an understatement.)
I've been blessed by Jamie and Scott who have come over on a regular basis to entertain me. I've also enjoyed time with out of town guests. It's been great! I love having company!
The boys and I enjoyed a show in Roanoke with some friends. And we've enjoyed skating, and a birthday party, at Funquest. Fun times.

-The young widows group that I have started seems to be a success. And I look forward to hanging out with these gals each month. In February we are going to try our luck at bowling! Can't wait!

-My goal is to start back to the gym this month.
But it seems like I've developed a couple of other habits instead.
*I've taken THREE naps over the past two weeks. It feels kind of liberating to make the conscious decision to do nothing for an afternoon.
*I've also been taking scalding hot baths before bed each night. (Thayer used to do this. I used to tease him... but I think it was just a defense against the icicles that I call "my feet". I sleep much better when I am thawed out.

Wow. By developing those two habits, I can feel the pounds just melting away. hah.
Luckily, the gym is on the agenda for next week. I know it'll only take a few trips before it, too, will become habit. I'm looking forward to being active again.

so. friends, fun, naps and baths. all happy things :)
I'm taking what I can get!
thanks everyone!

it's a new year.

This morning I wrote my first check of the new year... I noticed that my checkbook was empty so I needed to open a new box of checks.
And this new box of checks just has MY name on it. (I had previously been using the checks that still had Thayer's name on them)
Now it's just my name.... a blatant reminder of my current situation.

And it's also another quiet manner in which Thayer is slowly moving out of our daily lives. Sure, he's been gone for quite a while but there are little reminders of him everywhere.
One day, his name is on the checks, and the next day... not.
It's those little things that I tend to notice.

I heard a song today that put things back into perspective for me. Reminds me a bit of my Jeremiah 29:11.



Brandon Heath is one of my favs :-) He sang with Andrew Peterson in December... so that was a treat for me.

Here's to a great new year!

a decade

everyone else seems to be buzzing about the new year, the past year, and the past decade. So I thought I'd jump on the wagon....

I feel like I've lived a lifetime in the past decade.
Marriage.
cat.
two kids.
5 houses.
stay at home mom.
2 jobs.
death of husband.
single mom.

and those are just the biggies.
all of that jam packed in with all of the other little stressors of life. So much can happen in just a short amount of time.

I was super encouraged by a friend this week who stopped by for a visit. Her story has always brought me hope. She is such a cool gal and I've watched from the distance as God has worked a beautiful plan for her life. In a matter of years, she endured a divorce, a move, a new job... all while being a single mother to three young boys. She remarried about a year and a half ago. And when she showed up at my door the other day.... she is pregnant!!! :-)
I'm sure that 10 years ago she never ever imagined that she would be where she is today. I am SO happy for her!
And she is proof that ALOT can happen in 10 years.

No telling what the next 10 years will look like for the boys and I.
The last 10 years have been a wild ride.
One of our favorite sayings in our house is "never say never".... because anything can happen.
So I guess we better fasten our seatbelts and hold on tight!

Christmas update

(Okay. So I'm probably long overdue for a blog post. I usually have composed a bit of my thoughts prior to typing them... but I've got nothing this time. Let's see how I can recap the last few days.)

Christmas came and went. And I am so glad that it went.
I have learned that Christmas can be a very lonely time.

(We enjoyed quite a bit of snow prior to Christmas. L had a sledding accident that sliced his face open and required ten stitches. But all is well now.)

We had a great road trip down to see Thayer's family.
It's just an odd thing being there,without Thayer. All the cousins and their wives sitting around and being splendidly happy with each other. And then there's me.
And no mention of Thayer... except when I briefly brought up the subject of his absense with his Granny. I know it's painful for her to think about everyone that she misses but I didn't want the holiday to go by without mention of our mutual loss.

At times I feel SO selfish for being lonely at these times. For goodness sakes, I've got my kids, and family, and friends that are constantly around me.
And there I was, in the house of a lonely widowed 87 year old who has endured the death of a daugher, a husband and a grandson. What right do I have to feel sorry for myself?
But I do.

Upon returning home I was blessed to have friends stay at our house over Christmas. My lovely friend,Cathy, her husband and their beautiful new baby came to stay for a few days. (I wish they would have stayed longer!) I really enjoyed their company.

Christmas day was the usual. Brunch at my sister's house and dinner at my Aunt's house. And I was blessed with a nap in between. nice.

I have been fortunate to have been busy over the past week. But the Christmas routines were laced with thoughts of Thayer. I held myself together pretty well but many aspects of our Christmas celebrations were very difficult for me. Many nights, I have cried myself to sleep.

To top off my great mood, there was a speaker at church on Sunday that reminded me of the obvious. He restated the fact that your 'heart' is reflected in your immediate response to a situation. That truth is always so convicting to me.
I am reminded that I am a dirty, angry person.
The tragic thing is... my heart is always revealed to my kids. They get to see the real me. When I get pushed, my heart reaction is to curse or yell. Ugly, just ugly.
Makes me wonder why Jesus sticks around with me. I am so undeserving of His love. I guess that's what makes Grace so amazing. :-) REALLY amazing.
I need to stop crowding my heart with other stuff and make more room for Jesus to do his work...

anywho.

We watched Bridge to Terabithia last night. I got in another good cry while L laughed at me and questioned what was wrong with me.
I don't think that either boy wants to admit that they are sad too.

perhaps there is alot wrong with me.
and I'm not typing this stuff to evoke pity.

I'm just sayin'.

no longer "room mom" material

I'm grumpy tonight.
Perhaps I'm just tired from my awesome trip to the Andrew Peterson concert. It was lovely and I had a great time with my friend Donna. I love getting away and having road trips... but I find that re-entry to normal life is usually tough.

Immediately upon my return this evening I was greeted with an email from L's teacher...requesting 85 juice boxes for tomorrow's school party. (which is fine...)
But- The last activity that I did before I left town was make dough ornaments for the same class...on short notice.
anywho. I packed up the kids this evening and headed to Walmart.
Easy enough. Grab juice boxes and a few ingredients for a potluck on Saturday and I'd feel accomplished.
Little did I remember- that when there is even a slight whisper of snow in the forecast that the entire metropolitan area must go to the grocery store to stock up on milk, eggs and canned goods. Oh, and while you're there... finish your Christmas shopping too because we might be snowed in for the rest of the week.
uh-huh.

Stood in the check-out line for 35 minutes.

Meanwhile, Daniel mentions that when I sent extra party money to his teacher, her response was, "I thought your mom was going to use this" (as in... I was probably supposed to buy party food)
Sure. Let me know this LAST week and I'd make sure I had things in order before I left town.
I must have missed the memo.

so. here is my conclusion. I am no longer suitable for room mom. Much less 'grade level' mom.
I can remember when I'd be super excited to help out, and go out of my way to organize things.
But as a single mom, this just ain't happening.
If I'm required to run specific errands or organize something, I need a plan... some notice... some warning.

My foul mood could all be related to my growing dislike of the commercialization of Christmas.
Bah-humbug!

quick rant

okay. So I've prided myself in keeping Christmas really simple this year. The bare minimum and nothing more. I'm done with gift buying but I have a few cards to send to out of state relatives. and then that's it.

I picked up several gift cards today in order to finish my shopping list. My regular ol' ink pen didn't write so well on the shiny surface of the little gift card sleeve so I wrote some names with my nifty scrapbooking pen. Imagine my horror, several minutes later-mind you, when I insert the gift cards and then notice the ink smeared all over the sleeves.
Irritation!!!!
I can now picture my afternoon tomorrow as I revisit the restaurants to retrieve new little sleeves.
And just when I think I've got it all together....
I've turned into just another headless chicken.

pulling myself together

alrighty. so the past two days have been better. I am slowly pulling myself out of the pit.
And it helps, of course, that family and friends have been keeping me happily occupied with other things.
This coming week is packed with things to do so I should continue on my upward climb.
I've got church, shopping, movie, lunch date, play date, a road trip and a concert to look forward to over the next few days.
yay!

here goes. let me try to sort a few things out.

I have been really down and out the past few days. Feeling fresh back into my grief for Thayer. Feeling SO lonely and really missing him. I've had moments of anxiety that I haven't felt in a long time.
Alot of this could be seasonal blues. I hear that the holidays can be especially hard on single parents and recently widowed people. No doubt.

My unpaid therapist, Elaine, mentioned that it might have something to do with my recent break-up.
who would have thunk?
This is what came up briefly in our mini morning session:
I am having to adjust to being alone again. Before boyfriend, I had dealt well with my singleness and I was adjusting pretty well to being alone. Then... I was spoiled by having company and being happily distracted. It was great to know that I could love again. Fun times.
And now, well, back to square one.
I am being thrown back into solitude again.

I am faced with my irritation that this is not how it's supposed to be!
I've been frustrated with Thayer... because if he was here, I wouldn't have to worry about dating and break-ups and being alone. There have been lot of moments when I think, "I wish Thayer were here to talk through this with me... but if he WERE here... I wouldn't HAVE these troubles!"

The past few days, I've felt guilty for being "down". If I had my priorities straight, I would be content at where I am, Who I am.
But honestly, I'm not content right now. Is it so wrong that I long for companionship?
I'm torn when I think about God saying, "It is not good for man to be alone"(gen 2:18) and then, in 1 Corinthians, Paul talks about the benefits of being single! (but he also encourages widows to marry if they can't control themselves) hehe.
So... what's it supposed to be?!

I know that ultimately I need to find contentment in my singleness, so that's what I'm praying for.

Sadly, the prayers don't make this season any easier. I'm still lonely and Christmas music still makes me cry.
But this too shall pass.

To quote a very wise blogger :
"please don't interpret these words as a plea for pity.... My blog is my Public Brain, and sometimes peeking in here is a little dark and spooky. But it's how I process a lot of things, and in some weird way it helps me cope with how I'm feeling right now".

All of this to say... Dad, I'll be okay! ;)

They told me not to....

yep. After Thayer died, I was instructed by countless people that I should not watch the movie P.S. I Love You.
So of course when I ran across it at Blockbuster today, I HAD to rent it.
I knew that it would be a "crying movie" so I was prepared with my box of tissues.
And yes, I just cried for the last 127 minutes. And not just a few tears... I'm talking burning cheeks and loud weeping.
It was a great movie.

I must admit that I was a little jealous of the fact that the main character, Holly, was able to lose herself in her grief for a while. She was able to lock herself up in her apartment, make a huge mess, wear her husband's clothes and sing sad movie songs.
I never had that luxury to completely shut off.
(well... those of you who see me on a daily basis would probably say that I was "shut off" for much of last year) :)
But really... after Thayer died, I still had to get up in the mornings and tend to the kids. There wasn't much opportunity to sit around and be pathetic. And in SO many ways, I am thankful for my boys because they give me reason to keep going.

I am super thankful for all of the happy distractions I have had over the past year. There have been days and months where I haven't felt the least bit sad. I've experienced great joy and excitement. I've got great hope for my future!

But there are also times when I get tired of holding it together. And I want to be able to tell myself that it's okay if I cry in random places at random times. I'm not super woman... and it's hard trying to be.

I can relate to Holly when she says, "this wonderful man happens to me and then he died. What was the point? I'm alone, and it doesn't matter what job I have or what I do, or what I don't do, or what friends I have, he's not here. I mean you're alone no matter what".

But, in response, Holly's mother says, "alone or not.. you gotta walk ahead.”

So. yep. That's what I'm gonna do.

music of choice

I caught a bit of some "cops" show on tv the other night. The "accused" people and the cops kept using the term "drug of choice". I thought that phrase was a bit odd...especially the way they kept saying it. It almost made their "choice" of herion or crack seem normal.

And... this post is probably completely unrelated to that show... except when I started to type, I instantly thought that "music of choice" could somehow have the same effects as a "drug of choice". hmmm..

anywho. here goes.

I know that I have blogged about my thoughts on music before... but I seem to need to remind myself once in a while.
Like many folks, I tend to dip my ears into Christian music as well as some tame secular stuff.
I spent a short time in the "top 40" music recently... but that wore off pretty quickly. Most of that stuff is just litter for the brain.

Here is what I see every time I wade in secular music for too long:
I notice that I am listening to, and singing about, totally unimportant things! After a while, songs become way too sad (especially after being dumped by your boysfriend) or the lyrics slowly seep in and distort the Truth.

I've even been pretty down about the secular Christmas music! (and I've never even termed Christmas music as secular until now)
If you notice the lyrics... they are all about "all I want for Christmas is..", "please come home for Christmas", "Blue Christmas", "White Christmas", "Last Christmas..."
SO many songs about "what I want and what I miss and what I need to have". How freakin' selfish.

Then, what a breath of fresh air when I switch to an uplifting radio station or a decent CD.
Instantly, I am reminded of what is important in life. I'm instantly given a big hug by my Best Buddy as if He's saying... "welcome back! enjoy the tunes!" My singing instantly becomes an expression of outward praise and love of my God... and no longer filled with selfish desires and pointless lyrics.

I know that I learn this lesson over and over and over and over. But I am always SO happy to get focused again and fill my head with the good stuff.
Now if only I can remember this when I'm tempted by Lady Gaga or Soulja Boy :-)

What's your "music of choice"?

driving award *

I received my FIRST driving award* today!
I was awarded shortly after crossing the border into North Carolina.**
The trooper notified me that the speed limit had lowered upon entering his lovely state.
OOPS.

I've known that this day was coming sooner or later. And I knew it would be well deserved when the time came.

Sure... $160 fine. But technially... that's only $10 for each of the past 16 years that I've gone unnoticed.

so...

"Yes officer... Thank you".


*Thayer gave us the term "driving award"
** The kids thought we were in a "police chase" when I was being pulled over! haha

On being dumped

Well. I've never had a "boyfriend" before (besides Thayer)... so I've never had the experience of being dumped... until tonight.
I've seen it coming all month so I'm not too shocked by the ending.

Did any of you see that movie He's Just Not That Into You?
I remember watching that movie and thinking about how stupid people can be. Why would you give much thought to someone that doesn't even call you?
One of the lessons in the movie was "if he's not calling you... he's just not that into you".
I knew this fact all along... but somehow when you love someone, you hold onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, there is more to the story and that he'll actually call and everyone will live happily ever after.
But... the movie lesson IS true whether we want to admit it or not.
He didn't call... and he's not that into me.

After several days of no communication, I finally got to speak with Jared in person. The conversation lasted about an hour and reminded me in many ways of "movie break-ups".
I won't go into details... but it seemed as though he was saying "It's not you, it's me".
Ha.
Sure.

This is what I think he meant:-)

I do respect that he has his own life to deal with and that the thought of me and two children is just way too much for his plate right now.
The thought of me and two kids should be about enough to frighten any bachelor.
And that's fair. I can't expect any single man to drop everything for an instant family unless he is sure of himself. And I am very relieved to know about Jared's doubts before the relationship went any farther.
I am relieved that I know where he stands and that I don't have to sit by the phone waiting for a call.

I'll admit that there is hurt involved as well. And that it really sucks being rejected.
But honestly, after all I have been through...I'll just chalk this up to a learning experience and keep on truckin'.
I know the best that God has planned for me is still to come. Bring it on.

Thankful

Tonight, L decided that we should pray about things we are thankful for.
He pretty much summed it up on one sentence:

"I am thankful for everyone and everything in the whole world except lava, death and sharks."

Amen.
:-)

IF i had spoken at church today...

Our Thanksgiving service at church allows people to stand up and talk about what they are thankful for. The longer I waited into the service, I felt like my "thankful story" was pretty much a repeat of others... so I didn't speak. And, the fact that I am certainly not a public speaker probably hindered me as well :-)
So... IF i had spoken today... this is what I would have said:

It's been 15 months since my husband, Thayer, died. I have experienced the lowest of lows and oddly enough the highest of highs as well. I am So thankful for the tremendous love and support that folks have given us... and continue to give. I am super thankful for my family and friends. Those who have stood by us through it all. And I am most thankful for God's Grace... and the HOPE that He has given me. God has taught me lots of things this past year and I am thankful for the things he will continue to teach me in the years to come.

(wow. that kind of sounds like some kind of boxed speech... but it's what I was thinking...)

so... what would YOU have said at church today?? send me a comment :-)

Thankistmas

I think that there should be a new holiday. Thankistmas.
It is a new combination of Thanksgiving and Christmas. It appears that the two have been morphed this year.
It all started with the Christmas music on the radio all last week. Come on! It's not even Thanksgiving yet!
Then, my friend went ahead and decorated her Christmas tree last week. It's right in her living room amidst the pilgrims.
At first, I teased and grumbled.
And today.... I joined the mob and put up our tree. Actually, the boys asked to do it and I caved in.
Just to "stick it to the man" I decided to keep Christmas confined to our basement this year. I thought if I stuck the tree down there... that I wouldn't have to look at it and I could continue with my bah-humbug attitude. But as it turns out...I actually like it down there! It's set up next to the fireplace and everything looks cozy when the lights are off and the tree is a-glow and the fire is flickering. Aahhhh.... kind of like Christmas.
I assume that my compromise for Thankistmas will be: Christmas in the basement and Thanksgiving upstairs. For now.
After Thanksgiving, anything goes. :-)

enough is enough

okay. So I've decided to actually start parenting again... after a 15 month free-for-all.
I've watched all three of us barrel downhill since Thayer's death and I need to put a stop to it.
I had a good little meltdown the other night.
Jared talked me down and encouraged me (more than he knows).

So... this week...I have decided to "ground" all three of us.
Well... the kids are having lots of quiet time in their rooms and I'm confined to the house to keep watch... and work on being consistent and firm and pleasant. :)
They are supposed to be thinking about using their manners and being polite to kids and adults.
I've even designed a few "worksheets" to help them focus on how they need to behave at home and in public.
I'm not sure anything is actually being accomplished... but I am sure enjoying the quiet!! Things tend to be way more peaceful when the two of them are apart.

Today is our second day at home and I am exhausted!! Two more days of this "boot camp" and I'll be enjoying a night on the town with the ladies and some vampires. That's all the motivation I need. :-)

thankful for...

I've decided to update my facebook status, each day in the month of November, to reflect on something I am thankful for.
This morning the only thing I could think of was "the big cats at the zoo".
Go figure.

But this afternoon, I must say that I am truly thankful for Riley at Lynchburg Nissan :-)
Thanks again,Riley!!

trouble with the obvious

It took a sunset to remind me.

Rewind...
The past two weeks, I have been "going" non-stop. Lots of entertainment, lots of driving around, lots of visiting. ALL good stuff... but probably way too much of it at once.

This weekend was to be my time of relaxation. I took the boys to Comfort Zone Camp and headed to Williamsburg with some gals. It was a great weekend of car alarms and shopping. I am so thankful for the time away! Thanks Regina!!

But unfortunately, I let my brain work on overload this weekend.
When I was dropping the kids off at CZC I was SO excited for them but I had "a moment" where I thought to myself... "this isn't the kind of camp kids should need to go to." Whoever thought we'd be excited about a camp for grieving kids. ugh.

While in Williamsburg, my mind tended to dwell on the insecurities that I have as a single mom... and other insecurities that I have with my current relationships.

Luckily, I got a grip on myself and headed back to pick up the boys from camp. My grip slipped as I sat through a service where 60+ children were encouraged to speak about their deceased loved ones. Wow. I found myself back at the bottom in disbelief and heartbreak for those kids. I cried as the campers shared simple memories and dedicated songs.

My boys were SO exhausted from the weekend that they slept the entire way home. My british speaking GPS girl insisted on taking me home through the back roads... and I didn't argue with her... since it was such a beautiful day.

That two hour trip was the most relaxing time of the past two weeks. The most beautiful countryside was illiminated by the most gorgeous sunset throughout my entire drive. (A perfect day for a motorcycle ride).
During those moments... while the clouds were stretched in amazing swirls, I was reminded of how small I am.

It took a sunset to remind me... that no matter how depressing my circumstances are.. no matter how overwhelmed I let myself become... that God is WAY bigger than that.
The obvious.

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
Mark 9:24

young widows group

that sounds morbid.
But hey. I'm very excited about starting a ladies night for young widows. I'm aiming to get a bunch of us together for casual girl talk and fun.
So... if you know of any young widows...under the age of 45... let me know.
I'm hoping to have our first get-together in early December.
thanks!

fall overload

It's beautiful outside. I love fall. even the cloudy days.

I have overscheduled my life this week but I'm certain things will work out. In fact, I must be so certain that things will work out that I decided not to function... again today. I managed to balance my checkbook and then I laid on the couch to read. I took a glorious nap, for all of five minutes, before the kids came home.
We are on our way to Kids Haven tonight. I'm looking forward to a hot meal. I am freezing today!

I'm in the process of planning food for four parties this week. And who knew that it's actually easy... once you pick up the phone and delegate. (yeah, I shouldn't omit that I telephoned 10 people today about school parties. that was a blast.)

I'm really into my Good Grief Book but it has thrown me back into a bit of pouty grieving. I cried myself to sleep last night. I need that once in a while. I like to remember where I've been and where God has brought me.
I miss Thayer.

Then, to top that... I am loving jared. So of course, I'm probably a mental case dealing with death and love simultaneously.
I know that Thayer isn't around and that it's perfectly fine for me to date and be happy. I hope everyone else can agree with me at this point?

Lately, I've been thinking about Thayer and realizing that Jared is WAY different. But who's comparing?? (probably everyone...)

But really...Jared is supposed to be different. I'm not looking for a replacement.
I'm just really tickled that God has sent someone along that intrigues me. So much about Jared is new and exciting for me. I'm really excited about getting to know him. He's a great guy. I hope he sticks around. :-)

the day of funk

I have one day just about every month... when I'm in a funk. Today is the day. I was anxious to get home to my filthy house... so I could ignore my chores and curl up in bed. This day wasn't as productive as last month's funk day. I think I managed to sleep for a few hours last month. But today, the phone rang 6 times within an hour. (and I'm happy for the friends who called... but I'm not sure why the phone company wanted to chat at 3:30 in the afternoon.)

so... I've started reading a new book, Good Grief, written by Lolly Winston. (Thanks to Melissa for passing it along!)
I am only a couple of chapters into the book but I'm already loving it!! It's a fictional book about a young widow. So far, the character is "right on". I can totally relate to the attitude and thoughts of this gal. I'm anxious to see how the book follows her time of grieving.

In the book, a grief counselor explains, "The death of a loved one isn't really something you ever get over, Instead, one morning you wake up and it's not the first thing you think of."
The character in the book can't imagine when that morning will ever come to her house.
But it's encouraging to know that it HAS come to our house.

I generally wake up happy and content. My first thoughts usually include a prayer, Bible reading, thoughts of Jared (who continues to sweep me off of my feet), and thoughts of what needs to be accomplished that day. I can't recall a recent morning in which I immediately thought about Thayer's death or being a widow. It seems like I've settled into my "widow" role and it doesn't sound so far-fetched anymore. I guess you'd call that "acceptance". Thayer would say.. "it is what it is".

BUT... I am still taken by surprise sometimes...
I was at the mall the other day. The song From This Moment, which was sung at our wedding, played in the background. I was caught panicked, short of breath, and instantly teared up. Wow. An intense grief burst that I wouldn't have expected.

Not sure why I went off on such a tangent from my "funk day"... but I'm glad to have gotten some of these thoughts out.

anywho... back to the funk...
I suppose I should call the kids in from the woods and fix some dinner. Tonight, we will feast on "P" foods.... Popcorn, Pineapple and Pringles. I might even throw in some Pink milk as a nutritional bonus.

For Jared...

and for Lisa too!! ;)

It's actually possible!

There is an amazing corn maze at Layman Family Farms that we have visited for the past two years.
Last year- Cathy and I wandered aimlessly through the corn while my kids were hopelessly lost with another group of people.
This past weekend- my sister, my boys and I were completely lost in the maze for about an hour and a half before we had to be ushered out by "corn cops" close to closing time. (I think we came upon scarecrow clue #5 about 5 times!)

(and btw... going at night is the best! take your flashlights!)

I am pretty certain that the maze is designed so that you will get lost. Everyone seemed to be lost! When the corn folks came to escort us out... they were escorting out hordes of people. seriously.

so... I arranged to have a date night with J in the corn maze. He seemed confident that he could get through the maze with little trouble. And I... knowing that it was hopeless... was looking forward to being lost and teasing him about it.

But... lo and behold... that man dominated the maze!! I am super impressed!! He held that teeny map and just walked through! There was only a brief period of time when he seemed to lose confidence... but we found the next clue and he was on a roll! I am super proud to know such a navigational genius :-) I feel like I'm in good hands. :-)

Now... knowing that the maze can be conquered... we will all have to rise to the occasion next year!
Good Luck!

every day is halloween.

I am sitting on the porch watching a gladiator and a swamp creature play in my yard.
I... once again... have given in and purchased halloween costumes for the boys. I'm not sure why I give in to this temptation year after year... especially since the voice in my head says that I never remember having store bought costumes as a kid. Spending the ridiculous amounts of money on these flimsy little costumes seems so much easier than actually trying to be creative.
So... here we are.

I've decided that the boys will be required to wear these suits DAILY until they are outgrown. That way, I'll feel a little better about the investment.
There is no reason to wait until Halloween to partake in the costumes. Heck... if they didn't have a dress code at school, I'm pretty sure that I would send them to school in their Halloween attire.

Luckily, at Halloween time, their school has a costume day where they are allowed to dress like their "favorite storybook character". In past years, I would try to come up with real storybook characters... but then that would involve having TWO costumes!!
Then I realized that I could manipulate the rules to be easier for me:
We'll be going to the library ASAP to dig up SOME kind of storybook that is about a gladiator and a swamp creature. I'm really hoping that there is a Scooby Doo book out there that will cover the Swamp Creature. And I'm not too sure about the gladiator... but I'll come up with something. :-)

Happy Days!!
I love October!!

my gorilla child

well. He's far from gorilla stage. He's pretty much average in height and weight. But the other night, I went to cover him up in bed and he looked like a curled up mass of kid.
He had a birthday today. Geez... where does the time go? Looking back, I am SO glad that I invested time at home with him... because now, he is into friends and other things. Mom doesn't fit into his cool list anymore. I'm okay with that because I enjoy watching him make his own way.
anywho.
He's almost to the age where I usually consider kids to be pretty cool and independent. I'm realizing that I need to expect more from him. He is quite capable of alot of things...but I think I'm too impatient to give him more responsibility.
I'm looking forward to the day when he weighs enough to use the riding mower. But... apparently.... if two siblings sit together on a mower, they weigh enough. They had practice at Papa's the other day.
Good to know.

(and...wow... if that wasn't the most random blog, I dunno...)
happy wednesday!

Where to start?

I don't understand how I can go for weeks and not really have a blogable moment... and then I have about four at once. It might have something to do with the fact that my boyfriend has been busy for a few days... and I've had some time to think about other things. go figure.

but seriously.... where to start. I think I'll start with the most recent thought and then I'll backtrack over the next few days. Check back to read about my gorilla child... the book I'm currently reading... and my opportunity to serve.

Okay... topic number one:
Stuff.

I went downstairs to file some papers. (yes, I still have "papers" and I still use an actual filing cabinet!)
As I opened the drawer, my eyes fell upon various folders that Thayer had created to keep lots of his job possibilities, old job info, plans for things, etc. etc. Wow. That guy kept everything!!
I realized that it is ALL trash. A dead man's old plans and papers. It's nothing that I would need, or my kids, or his family. It's just trash.
I even thought that the three drawer filing cabinet was a bit too much for me...and that I should probably downsize.
I was immediately saddened.

I am reminded of how a friend at work described... that after her mother's death, everything that was left of her worldly possesions fit into a small shoe box.
So true.
When we are dead and gone... the "stuff" doesn't matter anymore.

I'm almost to the point where I may be motivated to clean out my basement... because the boys want a space to roller blade indoors. I know that once I organize the useful things... that a majority of the "stuff" will be thrown out.
I know I will have some painful moments as I toss alot of thayer's stuff out. But it's not the stuff that matters... it's the quality of the life that matters.

I have been receiving daily emails from an organization called Grief Share.
The daily emails walk a grieving person through the first year of grieving. I just received day 241 (because I didn't know about the organization till a little later)... but... the emails seem to be "right on" with the stages that I've been through. This week, they have talked alot about moving forward. And I feel confirmed that I have been doing well with my future thinking :-)
I know that Thayer is not coming back and that I must continue to move forward with my future.
Interesting enough... I have arrived at the emotional stage that I was TERRIFIED of when I first heard of Thayer's death. I was so scared that he would simply become a "memory". I was scared that years down the road, I would casually refer to him as "my late husband" or "my first husband". I wanted to somehow keep his memory very vivid and present.
But in reality... here I am... adjusting to the fact that he really is just a memory. We have stories to share, videos to watch and pictures to see... but he IS just a memory. I am prayerful that my boys will have good memories and I do my best to talk about Thayer and pass along stories as they come to mind.

Those folders in the filing cabinet seem to be a flashback to another life... seems so long ago.
I miss him.

random...

I just finished reading My Sister's Keeper. No one told me that the book ending is entirely different than the movie ending!!!!
I was simply finishing the book out of obligation... and was totally sideswiped by the unexpected ending!! wow. I was fine and dandy one minute and then weeping uncontrollably the next. I could relate to the author's description of death and I was transported back to my feelings surrounding Thayer's death.
Kind of a bummer evening for me. But it was good to have a nice cry.

more random...
I've been meaning to blog for quite some time but I realize that it's so much easier to blog when I have heavy things weighing on my mind. And since most heavy things are sad... I've been out of material lately... because I am just so darn happy these days. :-)
I am super duper happy with J. He has been a breath of fresh air for the past few months. The kids seem to be happy with school this year and I am really enjoying my preschool mornings. So at this point, I am happy to report that life is grand :-)
But... just like the book... we all know that life will throw in some unexpected surprises. So I'm taking it all as it comes, trying to not take anything for granted.

even more randomness...
I was hanging up boy shirts today and I had a realization that I simply DO things differently than I used to do when thayer was alive. I used to be super anal about organizing shirts in their closets. I would have a section of school clothes, play clothes, long sleeve and short sleeve. That system of organization must have fallen through the cracks. I'm not sure if I decided that there were more important things to worry about after dealing with the death of a spouse... or if I just got overwhelmed with being anal while being a single mom. Either way... alot of the little things in my behavior and habits have changed. I'd like to think it's for the better.
Our closets may be a mess and my toilet may be filthy... but I'd like to think I'm more laid back than I used to be. but I dunno.

just thoughts.

a little something for Lisa and Ivy... :-)

you'll also be happy to know that I just downloaded this song for J's ringtone.... :-)

hehe

I'll call him "J" for now ;)

Jamie, Cathy and I went to see My Sister's Keeper tonight. I'm almost finished reading the book so I thought it would be fun to see the movie.
Another not-so-uplifting night at the movies. :(
Or was it?

Granted... we cried through almost the whole movie. (The lady behind us had to give us tissues!!) It was emotionally draining for me. I cried over a million thoughts that accompanied the movie. I cried about life and death, the thought of losing a child, the real impact of losing Thayer, the impact of illness on families, etc. etc.

But in the midst of the sadness.... the movie caught a glimpse of the prospect of happiness as well. And since we girls like to compare movies to our real lives.... I was excited about my own prospect of happiness.

I have been very happy with J. I have really enjoyed getting to know him.
But when I catch myself giving him sole credit for my happiness, I remind myself that I cannot rely on other people to "make" me happy. That's a tall order that is destined for disappointment. We are merely imperfect humans. I don't think any of us can 'create' happiness for others.
But... we can certainly aspire to uplift and encourage.

The truth is... my happiness is supposed to be rooted in God's love for me. His love should be enough.
And it is.
The exciting thought is... I consider all of my happiness that is evoked by J to be a MAJOR added bonus. J has been encouraging and lovely in every way. I am so thankful that God has sent him my way.

I'm feeling extra blessed these days. :-)

countdown to New Moon!!

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

fork in the road

every once in a while, life throws a fork down in the road.
And you've got to choose which direction to go.
Sometimes it's really easy... just pick the road with the flashing lights and arrows from God that say "This way!! This way!!"
And other times, those light bulbs are burned out... or something... and the choice isn't as obvious.
Or...perhaps we have thrown rocks at those light bulbs... trying to extinguish the clear directive from God.
Or... maybe the choice isn't supposed to be clear. Maybe we need to linger on the side of the road for a while and wait for the bus to come.
and... Maybe it's not even a fork afterall. Maybe it's just a converging of two roads and you have to decide the best mode of transportation to get to the destination.
Whatever the case.... I wish it would be easier.

(and honestly... i don't have a clue about what I just typed. I just had to get it out there.) ;p

preschool

so. Preschool has been in session for two days and I am really enjoying this new group of kids.

Comparative to last year, I am already functioning way better and I can't help but think this will be a much more productive year for me.

Following Thayer's death, I was pretty much a walking zombie last year. (atleast I'm pretty sure I was). I can recall showing up to work day after day, running on about 3-4 hours of sleep. I remember how embarrassed I would be when I would start to doze off during Chapel on Mondays. And how I just wouldn't have any energy for the kids. I did the best that I could at the time... but it was just a tough year.

When I do a mental comparison of this year vs. last year.... I am continually reminded that I work with an awesome group of women. They were an amazing encouragement to me throughout the year.
Elaine worked with me on a daily basis and put up with my sleepy stupor. She is always so positive and encouraging... and I know it is no accident that God placed me in her classroom. (haha... she may beg to differ... but I'm really glad I'm there ) :-)

The other women were also amazing. In addition to their supportive words and stories, they provided a meal for us every monday... for months!!! We looked forward to having dinner at our fingertips each week..... it was a HUGE blessing!!

All of these ladies continue to be a blessing to me. I feel that it is such a great opportunity to work alongside such caring and happy people. It means so much to walk into work and be greeted by smiling faces. I believe that this type of work environment is very rare... and I am continually thankful that I am surrounded by these ladies.
:0)

lil' update

The boys and I just had a fabulous weekend visiting some friends...my lovely pregnant friend, her husband, and his brother (who is the current source of my giddiness) :-)
(I'm still trying to figure out what his "blog name" will be...)

anywho.

We all ventured to Kings Dominion on Saturday.
I think I've determined that I'm not really an amusement park type of person. Don't get me wrong... it was fun... and the kids had fun.... but it wasn't something that I could get addicted to. And I was a bit out of place when I looked around and noticed other people actually engaging with their kids and looking HAPPY when they were in a long line. I'm not sure I'm extremely excited to stand in line in anticipation of a 3 minute ride. But some of those families seemed to really be enjoying it.
My boys experienced their first amusement park rides and they enjoyed the water park as well. I think that next time I might actually prance around in my bathing suit and enjoy the water too.

Today, we laid low and enjoyed the holiday.
I'm gearing up to meet my new preschool kids tomorrow morning. I'm excited about a new year with new little friends :-)
busy week ahead-