2 pages

I've been wanting to sit and write for days.  I have so many thoughts jumbled up in my brain and no easy way to get them out.
My good ol' Andrew Peterson recently wrote a post about how long it takes to write a book and it was so encouraging to realize that if I were to write TWO pages a day... that would be roughly 700 pages by the end of a year.    When I read that article two weeks ago I thought I could set a goal for myself.
Here I am 14 days later... such a garbled mess.
I should totally write a book.*   And hire someone else to correct all of my horrible grammar.   But then again, I'm not sure a grammatically correct book would represent who I am.
A mess.

The last week or so, I've been going through my own little spiritual renewal of sorts.  
I went to see War Room not really knowing what the movie was about.   Boy... talk about convicting and inspiring wrapped up with a neat bow!   I came out of that movie inspired to be more bold and intentional in my prayer life.
And to top that, I stepped out on my own and attended a Beth Moore Simulcast at a church down the road.    She is a phenomenal speaker who encouraged me to, again, be bold in my faith.
I'm sensing that God wants me to be bold.  To be attentive and be present in the lives of people around me.  That's a tall order..... so I'm simply starting with more intentional prayer.
I'm hoping that the attentiveness will fall into place.

I have thought through much this week.   Thoughts on forgiveness, rebellion, apathy, direction, judgement, choices, hope, contentment, evil.  
Nothing really concrete or blog worthy.  yet.

Two pages a day, he says.
humph.


*said in sarcasm

all around

I'm entering my second week of  'freedom' before I start work.   The boys are settling into school and I'm really enjoying the opportunity for time with friends, day trips, drives in the country.
I know that I'm super spoiled.
I'm enjoying every second.
I have filled every hour, that the boys are in school, with people and activity.   My social tank is overflowing.   I have terrific friends.   It's been fabulous catching up with folks.

At the same time, my heart is heavy for many of my friends this week.   I have heard their stories over the summer.... either in person, via Facebook messages, or over the phone. *

It seems that the past several months, more than ever, people I know are REALLY struggling.   Men and women.  Their jobs, marriages, kids, families.   People I love are broken.   It's hard to witness.

I have heard many stories and listened to how people are coping with their difficulties.   Some are coping well, some are not.  
 For most, all I can do is listen and pray.   Some stories have left me speechless.   And believe it or not, I have cried over a few of you people.   (It seems like my Grinch heart is still growing)  ;)

No doubt things are sucky!   For some of you... beyond sucky!
The thing is...I see God at work.... restoring what Satan is trying so hard to destroy.

I've learned a lot about waiting over the years.
 It might take a while, But I know in time.....
 God will bring beauty from the ashes.
I've seen it.   I've witnessed it.  I see it happening with some friends now.   And I know that others will see brighter days in the future.

While we wait.... I pray for them.... For you, in the midst of your struggle.

I love you.  God loves you more.
Hang in there.    You're not alone.




*I must add that I feel honored and blessed that people confide in me.    I have heard many 'deep dark secrets' over the years.    I joke that my mind is a safe.    Things are locked away in there.  Really.... because  I don't have a husband to blab to, and chances are high that I might forget what someone has told me.  :)
But seriously... I don't take it lightly.  Thank you for sharing your life story with me.

7 years

You have five minutes to wallow in delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it.... and proceed. 

 Claire Colburn,

Elizabethtown

It's the seventh anniversary of Thayer's death.    I can't believe how I used to count the days.  This year I have had to count with my fingers, often, because I really wasn't sure of how many years had past.

Seven.

We had a great day.   Church, yard work, friends, organizing school supplies, dinner with my friends from high school, ice cream with Papa.
Full day.

It was last night that I had my meltdown.    

I will document this simply for the fact of documenting  and hopefully letting other widows know that they are not alone in the tidal wave that can still hit... even after seven years.

It all started with Mr. Q.   His cancer tumor has grown and the vet says that it's almost time for us to make those end of life decisions.    I cried over the fact that while we are remembering Thayer, his cat's life is coming to an end.  Seven years later.    

I cried over the impending loss of our cat.

Then I cried over the fact that it's been seven years.

Truth be told, we're not where I initially thought we'd be after seven years.

  I remember after Thayer died, I had a pretty little picture, in my head, that God would have me remarried within 2-3 years.... that the boys would have an amazing step dad who would love them as his own, and that they would have someone to call "Dad".

Well.  God obviously had different plans.

The story of Jacob and Rachel instantly came to mind.   Jacob worked for seven years in order to marry Rachel.   And then on the wedding night Laban bamboozled Jacob and sent in Leah!  What a disappointment.   Seven years of waiting.

I cried last night because I felt a bit bamboozled.     

It's been seven years. come on!  What's the plan, God?

I cried over the fact that I can certainly wait around for another husband, if that's on His agenda.  I'm totally cool with that.
But... God did not provide that "Dad" for my boys like I had hoped.    So many of their formative years have already passed.  
I cried because this year marks the year that both boys have been fatherless longer than they had a father.   That just sucks.

When I'm down, I find lots to wallow in.    I can become very disappointed when I even begin to think that God has forgotten us.

But I know the truth that everything is working together for good, in God's time.   I have to believe that.
Sometimes we just have to wait.

In the meantime lets not forget how much God has blessed us with over the past seven years.
The boys and I have been happy and healthy.     We have amazing family and friends.   I have become comfortable as a single mom.  I have learned to be independent in running a household.   The boys are growing into responsible young men.   We are doing really well!
I really, truly, am content where I am at this point.
It's not what I expected.... but it's a good life.

I'll be anxious to see what God has in store for us over the next seven years......

imperfect

The boys and I went shopping for school supplies tonight.
Upon turning in to the Walmart parking lot, I fussed about having to shop on a Saturday night with a zillion other people.   I was going to pay the price for my procrastination.   Just like all the other dummies who waited to shop.
"I didn't used to be like this guys!  I used to have it all together", I said.

And then Daniel said, "but then you turned cool."

I laughed at his statement.  Apparently 'procrastinating, fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants' moms are "cool".
I must be the coolest of the cool.

I'm not a total slacker.    But I'm certainly not what I used to be.

Tomorrow marks seven years since Thayer's death.    And I think I am bold enough to say that I'm not the same person I was seven years ago.  (who is?)

I always like to think that I've mellowed out a bit.  That I am more flexible than I used to be.  That I value experiences over 'stuff'.    And I realize that things that used to stress me out were asinine.
I suppose all of those factors have evolved me into "cool".

This is one of those nights that I feel perfect in my imperfections.

end of summer.

Ha.   Summer.   I vaguely remember it.   But it was fast.   Probably the fastest.  Ever.

Rewinding to the start of summer.... Recall that nifty screen time chart that I made?
That was a joke.
And... my goal to drop my last 30 pounds this summer?
Nonsense.   We had way too much fun.  I actually gained 7 pounds.   My "summer weight" as I call it.
And remember how I always rave about my summer sleep schedule?
Well...apparently I'm a grown up now!.... because I was up and moving by 7am most days and on my morning walk by 8am.   hm.


Please don't ask what we did this summer.... because I'm not really sure.   The days were full. There were lots of people.   A few day trips.   A few over night trips.    And everything was tied up nicely last week when we vacationed at Topsail Island with my family.  

We had a great week at the beach!    I think that everyone enjoyed their time together.   I really enjoyed the lack of agenda and being "unplugged" for several days.  I enjoyed watching the boys boogie board and not get eaten by sharks.

I liked being away from reality so much that I didn't want to come home.    Seriously.     I had to pep talk myself all the way home.    The best motivation that I could come up with was that "the cats will be glad to see us".
And they were.

This week is full of appointments and preparations for school.   The boys will be slumming off to 8th and 9th grade on Monday-- while I enjoy a couple of weeks before preschool starts.
As always I am starting to crave our school routine.  This year, mainly for a more predictable eating schedule.    But basically because we all function better on a schedule.

This time of year usually throws me for a curve.   With the start of school and work, as well as remembering Thayer's death anniversary and his birthday.   Everything kinda gets smashed in there together.

I was starting to feel anxious today.   With all of that stuff on my mind a new concern popped up.

 (Not sure if I have written about this before, but Mr. Q was diagnosed with cancer this past January.)   The vet told me a "few months".   I figured that he would be gone before we had our beach vacation.   I had pictured a summer to grieve the death of our cat.    Amazingly.... he's still here.
Just yesterday I realized that his tumor has grown.   And then it hit me that this fall might be our season to grieve.   I'm not prepared for that.   I'm not prepared for missing work, and school, to bury a cat.   I'm not prepared for this kind of thing to happen on top of everything else that this season brings.  Our schedule is too full to add death.
ha.  I sound so absurd.  Who's ever ready for death?

Though I have been praying that God will take Mr. Q sooner than later. (and that I won't have to make the decision).
Lucas is still wishing we could help Mr. Q.... and I have repeatedly explained that Mr. Q is dying.  

wow.   This is gonna be so hard.

whew.  deep breath.
We never know what tomorrow will bring.
I just hope we make it smoothly through the next few weeks.

my confession

I have a confession to make.  And it has to be made quickly before word gets out that I'm a hypocrite.

Honesty is my forte.  So here goes:

I went to see Magic Mike XXL.

Most of you won't even bat an eye at that.  
But a handful of you.... you know the married friends who I questioned for seeing the first Magic Mike?  Remember those conversations about respecting your husbands, blah, blah, blah?

Well.  I think I still stand by those thoughts.  But I'll be a little less judgy.

First, I must be clear that I had zero interest in seeing this movie until one of my friends mentioned that a scene was filmed where we had vacationed at Myrtle Beach.  I figured that would be neat to see on screen.
So... when one of my single friends suggested that we go see the movie.... I tagged along.

I was hesitant... for fear that I would be uncomfortable.    But I put on my big girl pants and went just for the heck of it.

My review?... it sucked.

As far as movies go it lacked plot, decent acting, and  even basic cinematography.  It seemed low budget and lame.  And I didn't appreciate the foul language.

As some movie go-ers stated.... "we didn't come for a good story or good acting."
 touche.

But the thing is.... Channing Tatum is an excellent actor!   I have enjoyed all of his movies.   I'm pretty sure that if he was filmed reading from the dictionary for two hours  I would have been more entertained.
He was the only thing that carried this film.  (for obvious reasons)... but also due to less than a handful of witty lines and his charm.

The rest of the film was trash.

Here is what threw me for a loop:
I had gone in to the movie expecting to see male dancers shake their stuff on a stage.    I had no idea that the 'dancing' part of this film was solely acrobatics and simulating sexual positions with 'lucky' females pulled from a crowd.
I'm pretty sure I had a pained/ confused expression for most of the movie...because my forehead is still crinkled up.  

This movie was raunchy.


I was impressed with the physique of these guys and their strength.     I can't think of anyone in real life that can move like Channing Tatum.

And it's with that thought that I stick to my 'respect your husband' thing.
If I had seen the movie and then gone home to an average husband, would I not be thinking of how built Tatum is?   Would I not be wanting that kind of treatment at home?  
Would my focus shift, even slightly,  from the man that I chose to love and cherish?  
Just something to think about.

side note:  The whole thing with male dancers.... I don't get it.  
God created men to be stimulated visually.     But women are more emotional creatures.   right?
Sure... it's nice to see a man with a buff torso.... But those banana hammocks..... eww.      

I was more intrigued when he was fully dressed and moving furniture.
swoon.

plans change

I just finished watching a series on Netflix.   You know how some series end with a fast forward?   The last scene usually shows where everyone ended up and it's packaged neatly with a bow?
The show today threw me for a loop, with a two year fast forward.... and I may have shed a few tears over the characters.

Just like life.   Who knows where any of us will be in two years?!  The possibilities are pretty much endless.    We can strive and plan for what we'd like to happen, but in reality everything can change.
I, for one, can testify that life plans can change in an instant.

Just this week I have noticed changes that I would have never anticipated, or planned.
Simple things really.   But simple things could change an entire course.

First of all...  Let me say how effective God can be at changing things in our hearts and minds.
As many of you know I went to Uganda in 2011.   Ever since my return I have had plans to take my boys to experience Africa.   The year has been set.  2017.  I have planned for it.  Talked about it.  Set aside money for it.   My kids have even received some of the shots required to travel abroad.
And then.... just like that.... God said.... "Eh.  That's overrated. Why don't you let your kids experience another culture when they go with the church to Mexico?"

What, God?   I had plans!  They need to go to Africa.  2017.  I've talked about this for years.

Just like that.  Overnight.  (Actually during one of my morning walks).  My long term plan kind of evaporated.  poof.
And ya know what?  I'm okay with it.
Who even knows where we'll be in two years?


This week Lucas and I shared a difficult day together.   It was a challenge for me.  (It brought me back to the days/years following Thayer's death when Lucas was angry and unpredictable).  I didn't have a clue what to do that day.   I had not planned on having such a sucky day.   I had to pull up my bootstraps and do the single parent thing the best I could.  
(I have a great support system who offered to step in and help.  Their encouragement, and listening went a long way.  thank you!)

And you know what?   The next day things were back to normal!  Smooth sailing again.   During that one day of strife I was reminded of how quickly things could change.  In our case it was just a bad day.   Just like Alexander's mom says, "some days are like that, even in Australia."

We can't predict where we'll be in two years.   We can't even state in certainty if we'll be around at the end of the day.      
I can make daily plans that are blocked by a barricaded door.
Or God can change plans that we thought all along were a good idea.

I think the best part of knowing God is in charge... is also knowing that whatever changes occur are for the best.
 Bring it.

If anything, I think I'm learning to be flexible.   To roll with it.
Have no regrets.

again

Another young man lost his life in a motorcycle accident this weekend.   The details of the accident sounded eerily similar to Thayer's.    I was able to put myself in the shoes of his family... because we've been there.  This guy leaves behind two kids too.  

It's a tragedy.  Fatherless kids.

The topic of fathers has been on my mind lately.  

 I don't know what it's like to grow up without a Dad.    My Dad has always been around.   And I can't imagine a childhood without my Dad in the household.

My boys aren't at the point where they talk much about their 'feelings'.... but I know that they must miss a Dad in their lives.     One of my widow friends shared with me that her son, now a teenager, actually expressed that he missed his Dad.      And I'm sure my boys do too.  
So many milestones are upon us.   And the list will continue to grow.  

I've been embarrassing my boys lately with talks about puberty and their changing bodies.   I talk about weird stuff and we all laugh about it.     But really....How odd it must be for them to have their Mom at the helm of puberty talks.  
It's just our reality and we roll with it.

I'm watching a show on Netflix that is dealing with some deep stuff within a blended type family.   I thought the show revolved around a foster kid who was reunited with her birth parents.... but in actuality, the show is revealing the reality of most families.   People have Daddy issues. People have Mommy issues.  There is rejection, loneliness, regret.   And everyone has the need to feel wanted and  loved.

I'm sure that these fatherless kids will have so many feelings to dig through as they get older.   And the damage is clearly a lifelong struggle.
But in the end I hope that my boys feel loved.   Really loved.

that time I threw my phone in a pool

Hours before, or maybe minutes before, I had admitted how I felt addicted to my phone.   Over the past few weeks while my boys were preoccupied... I found myself, with phone in hand, habitually checking Facebook and email, Facebook and email, Facebook and email.

Then as if ordained by God I stood up poolside, picked up my towel and slung that phone into the pool.   It was a fairly humorous accident.  As I stood in horror and disbelief it sunk to the bottom and I hesitated before I clumsily jumped in to rescue.
Since my pool host and myself are less than stellar chefs, there was no rice available for the immediate first aid.
I drove home and hit up The Neighbours for a bag of brown rice.   I covered the phone and set it aside for 3 days.
That's right, folks.   Almost 72 hours without my cell phone.

And my conclusion:
IT WAS AWESOME!!

That pool drowning was the best thing that could have happened to me on that hot Saturday.   It was as if the clouds had parted and my vision was clear again!
I know that sounds so dramatic.   But is WAS!

I instantly noticed how I was present in my life again.   There was no phone in the car, no phone at a red light, no phone at dinner, no phone during family talks, no phone while I was hanging out with friends.     There were no dings, no notifications, no blinking lights to distract me from the moment I was in.
It was like I was living "old school" again.    It felt good.

For three days I waited to see if the rice would work and wondered if I really wanted that ball and chain back.
A little soul searching revealed that I am the master of my domain.  I can regain control of this situation and reclaim a non distracted lifestyle.  
I had a taste of freedom and I liked it.

Earlier today I shook off the rice, assembled the phone.... and it worked!  whew!
I immediately uninstalled Facebook and Messenger.
I reset my notification settings for text messaging and email.

Bam!  Just like that... I turned that puppy back into a basic phone.  
Just like I wanted all along.
You can call me, leave a message... because I'm busy.  with living.

38

I turned 38 this month.   It was a milestone for me.
For the past several years I had anticipated 38 to be a rough birthday.

Thayer died three days before his 38th birthday.

My birthday came and went.... and was actually one of the best birthday weeks I've had.

Two days before my 38th birthday I realized that I have lived longer than Thayer.  
The thought was not nearly as emotional and sad as I had anticipated.
There is a bit of pride in making it 38 years.   I somehow wonder if I'm nearly as mature as Thayer seemed to be in his last days?   Have I surpassed him in any way?


Thayer was always the one I counted on to take care of our family and make the decisions.   He always seemed knowledgeable and wise about stuff.   Mostly because he was seven years older than me and had learned a lot of life lessons.
I learned much from him.
And now I'm older.  

It's just odd.

Thayer had grown up in the midst of many trials, and yet my biggest trial was his death.   Thayer was never able to see me grow and mature through the trials of life.  

The first few years after his death, when confronted with life stuff, I could still hear his advice.... his common sense.   I knew what he would say in certain situations.  I based many of my decisions on his silent voice.
Well... that was until I was tired of having imaginary conversations with a dead husband, and would often say outloud, "Well... you're not here!"....
and I learned to be rather independent.  :)

But now... even if I search for his silent voice I rarely hear him.  I don't have a clue how he would handle teenagers, what he would do in certain situations, or what our family would be like.
How would he make decisions as a 44 year old?
Looks like it's up to me at this point.

I've always been sad that we couldn't grow old together.   And it's a bit depressing as I continue to age, and he remains the same...  Frozen in pictures and in our minds.  Always 37.

The rest of us continue to age, grow, mature.   I am very thankful for that opportunity.   I am thankful for the time with my boys, my family and friends.  
Each day is a truly a gift.  
I am hopeful that my 39th year will be the best yet!

whatev

Week 2 of kids being out of school.
Last week I posted this list on my fridge:

It's not going so well.

Daniel never reads... because he doesn't want screen time.... (except late at night to watch a movie).   Daniel is outside ALL day....
but now Lucas is starting to catch on that I'm not consistent with Daniel and the list.

Daniel seems to understand my ideal summer would include locking them outside and telling them to be home in time for dinner.  He's getting pretty good at this concept.

Lucas on the other hand manages to wake up early and complete most of this list before I'm even out of the shower... so that he can start the video games.  The first three days of  "creative" outdoor activities included these winners:
(Clearly I'm very patient)

Day 1

Day 2.  

Day 3

Then there's me.
I have spent the last two days binge watching Chasing Life on Netflix.   Clearly not setting an example for these boys.

But I have to remind myself that it's summer!    I think we all deserve some days to CHILL!

We are coming up on days and weeks that are filled with activities.    I'm hoping that the screen time dilemna will fix itself as we are out and about this summer.  
Our spontaneous camping trips and lake trips should help a lot.

I thought about implementing time restrictions, or certain times of day that I would allow the screens. (You know... Actually being a parent and having rules)
But my reality says that every day this summer will be different for us and it would be nearly impossible to stay consistent.
We'll see what shakes out.

sandwiches

Okay.  I want to weigh in on the recent news about a cafeteria woman being fired after she fed lunches to kids who didn't have money for lunch.   (I didn't read extensively.... so I'm just going off of one article.)

I tried to explain my position to my mom earlier today... and failed drastically.   So let me see if I can clarify.  Forgive me if I still don't make any sense.

To my understanding, the school policy, in that particular school is that if kids don't qualify for free or reduced lunch, and if they don't have lunch money.... the school provides them with a cheese sandwich and milk.  
The cafeteria worker had deemed that this was not sufficient, and proceeded to serve the full lunch to "crying" kids.

I'm all for kids eating. Especially crying kids.  Really I am.   But I'm also a fan of policies that help prevent people from taking advantage of the system.

My family does not qualify for the free or reduced lunch program.
 I send check after check to school each month for my kids to put in their "lunch accounts".   My kids seem to peel through this money... and I haven't been a real stickler this year to see how many 'extras' they are buying..... like special drinks or desserts.
I'm a parent who gets reminder emails when their accounts get low.   The emails usually show up when their balances are 8 or 9 dollars.
I will admit that I have been slack about reading the emails these past few weeks.  I figured that the kids would remind me when they got a verbal warning from the lunch lady.

It just so happened that earlier this week Lucas came home and said that his account was empty.    He proceeded to tell me that he had to give back the full lunch and was given..... surprise!...... a cheese sandwich and a cup for water.
 It was no surprise to him.....No money = No lunch.    He was fine.
I was thankful that they fed him!  Seriously.   I had forgotten to send money, and yet they still provided food.... Free of charge!

I've never witnessed any child die of starvation after eating cheese and bread for lunch.  I'm thankful that he lived to tell me about it.

Call me heartless.   But I am glad that there are policies in place to remind parents, like myself, to send in the dang lunch money!
If the polices of cheese sandwiches didn't exist.... why in the world would any of us, that are able, EVER send in money?  What would be the point to be responsible for feeding our own kids?   It would be free lunch for everyone, all of the time.   (Which wouldn't be so bad, eh?)

I have a feeling that the fired lunch lady wasn't fired on one account of feeding kids.  I have a feeling that she probably fed the same kids over and over.   Which reinforced to the slacker parents that they didn't need to pay.
See the cycle?

A cheese sandwich would have sufficed.
 It's much more than other kids, all over the planet, get for lunch.
Our American entitlement irks me.     And I fear that we are raising a generation of entitled kids.

I think we could all have a lesson in gratitude.... for our country, our resources, and plans in place that provide food to kids.   Even cheese sandwiches.

I would love to see  more kids, including mine say, "thanks for the sandwich."

wanna be housewife

disclaimer:  another obnoxious post about not working.



The snobbery of it.   I couldn't believe my own thoughts!
Yesterday morning, I sat on my "new" patio, Bible in hand, looking out into my yard, listening to the birds chirp, admiring the sunlight......  I took a deep breath, let out a long exhale, and thought to myself, "I am destined to be a housewife."

What?!
My inner being screamed it out, though I'm pretty sure that society would shun me for such a thought.

I would rock being a housewife.
Yesterday was my first full taste of sending the kids off to school and then doing stuff.   I was super productive.   I took a morning walk and ran several errands.  
God was pouring his blessings onto me and I thanked him as I noticed that there was NO line at the post office, NO line at Wal-mart.   Things were going swimmingly well....
until...
 I managed to lock my keys AND my phone in the car.     (Such a humbling moment when you have to ask the clerk at the store if she has a phone you can borrow).   Thankfully Awesome Lisa came to my rescue and I continued my day with shopping and lunch with friends.
Today has been much of the same, except I didn't lock myself out of the car.   That's a bonus.

I have had the time to walk many miles over the past few days and I hope this is a reflection of how my summer will be.    This is my summer to drop the last of my weight.   This is the summer I take time to walk, get exercise, and take care of myself.
Or.... as the neighbor kid would say, "get a sexy body".
I'm feeling healthier and MUCH more energetic.

Imagine how well I could keep up this routine if I were a housewife?!    After the daily exercise, I could run errands, cook, clean, do laundry.  It would be excellent!

I don't need to marry for money.  (though I often joke about finding my 'sugar daddy')   I just need to marry someone who is content to live primarily on one income.
 Thayer and i managed.... and I know that there is some lucky man out there, maybe with some school aged kids who would love to have the mom at home to take care of them after school and during the summer.
Or heck... someone with older teenagers who need vague supervision like my own.
I'd also love the opportunity to volunteer around the community.   I've always thought that it would be fun to help out at the hospital.

I'm currently taking applications for the Mr.

In the meantime I think I'll perfect the housewife gig this summer.    Practice makes perfect!

goodbye friends

This is the time of year when I frolic in joy and excitement about a fun summer, in which I don't work.
This is the post in which everyone with a 'real' job hates me.
I write about how I only have two more days of work, how I have great plans for the summer,  and how I will have the ability to adjust my sleep schedule from 1am-9am.

For all of those above reasons, I am stoked.

But in a rare turn of events, I'm actually sad to see the end of preschool this week!
(I know, I know.... Did Jill just grow a heart?!)

Now, before I continue, let me make it clear that all of my previous classes have been lovely.   Over the past 8 years, I have met some amazing kids.   Many have made me laugh.   Many have challenged me.  Many have tugged at my heart.
But also over the past eight years there have been those kids in our classroom.  Let's just say that every class has been unique.

Every year I look back and see how I, myself, have changed as I work with kids.
I am aware that the year Thayer died, and probably a few years following.... I was not the best I could be.   I'd hope to think that my clarity and attitude have evolved over the past few years.
(I'm not sure that my lead teacher, Elaine, would agree!)  ;)
I do notice that as my own kids get older, I have gained the ability to look at the 5 year-olds and appreciate their precious hearts and their innocence.   (...they will grow so fast)

Anywho.
Back to THIS year.
 This year!  It has been a blessing.    This class, in particular, has captured my heart and melted it...just a little.
Teachers aren't supposed to have 'favorites'.... (even though all teachers do).   And I can honestly say that this class is full of my 'favorites'!
My favorite kids, my favorite families.   They have all been so amazing.   I am sad to see them move on.
In some cases, preschool families have been around for several years, and Elaine and I have had the privilege to teach sets of siblings.     It's always a bit sad to see families go.
But such is the business of preschool.    We socialize and equip these kids for Kindergarten and send them off with smiles.

This year, I'll smile.   I'll smile for many reasons.  It's also possible that some of my melted heart might leak out of my eye during our little graduation ceremony.
I love these kids.  I'm gonna miss them.

best day ever

I have to say that today was probably the best Mother's Day of my mothering years.
We had plans to go hiking so we packed our lunch bag and started getting ready for the day.

The boys honored my mother's day wish by giving me a new picnic blanket.... just like I had requested.   I think this is the first year that they have gifted on their own accord.    I am proud.
And... I am officially old.  (please give me a picnic blanket. geez)

Our original hiking companions were unable to come today, so we headed across town to get another boy, from another mother.  (I was privileged to sneak Matthew away from his own mother for many hours today.  Thanks, Trena!)
We had a special breakfast at Bojangles.   (only special because my kids would never have agreed to Bojangles on a normal day!)

We hit the road and headed toward Mt. Pleasant for a day of hiking.   I was a pretty rad mom, maneuvering up a bumpy dirt road all on my own.   I remember when Thayer first took me to Cold Mountain, on the same road... and I was so intimidated by the ruts and bumps.  I thought he was so bad ass.... getting us to the hiking location.   This time I was driving like a boss!  ha.
More proof that I might actually be an adult!  ack!

We arrived at the trail head at noon.    My boys have camped on Mt. Pleasant, twice, so they knew what to expect and where to go.
I love having teen boys!

My big accomplishment on the hike was that I peed in the woods!!   Go Jill!     I was quite pleased that I remembered how.    And I recalled the first time I peed in the woods, back when I was dating Thayer.   I think it was my sister-in-law who had to teach me.    I squated like a pro today.  :)
To my horror, as I continued along the path.... the boys pointed out that my choice squatting location was in clear view of the looping trail!  Thank goodness there were no other hikers in the vicinity.     I can only imagine their horror!

We hiked to the summit and had our lunch.   The boys enjoyed showing me where they had camped on their previous visits.   I was quite impressed at the secludedness and wildness of it all.
I'm 100% sure that I won't be camping there. ever.  
I have no idea how they managed to carry their gear up on their previous adventures.   It was tiring!

I noticed something about myself today.
 I'm pretty sure that a year ago, at this time, I wouldn't have even considered such a hike.   I was at my heavist weight and I probably would have died.   I still have a long way to go on my weightloss journey... but my routine of walking everyday has shown that I'm in good enough shape to hike! This is such a relief.  I'm glad that I will be able to participate in these activities with my boys.  I want this to be a summer of adventure for us!  I am glad that I can be active with them.   This is great motivation to keep getting in shape.

I calculated that we hiked about 6.5 miles this afternoon.   Our excursion on the mountain took about 3.5 hours.
Including breakfast and travel time I was able to spend a whopping 7 hours of uniterrupted time with the kids.   I had a blast!!

After returning home, we showered and ordered pizza delivery!  (which I never order delivery!  this MUST be a special day!)   We watched a documentary about the Lemurs of Madagascar.... AND I still had time to download these pictures and blog!

I couldn't have asked for a better day!
I'm a blessed Mom indeed.

share the podcast. spread the word.

Here it is.  
Some of you may know the history of Thayer's family.  And some of you may not.
Thayer's childhood was far from ordinary.
His mother was murdered when he was five years old.   And his father has been in prison since 1975, convicted of killing his wife, a neighbor and her two small boys.

When Thayer was alive, I was relatively silent about his family history because it wasn't my story to tell.    I remember that he waited and only shared details with friends, once he had established trusting relationships.
As time went on, Thayer started researching his father's case and realized that there was MUCH more to the story.  

Over the past several years, Thayer's brother, Thad, has been heavily researching the case and has put countless hours trying to answer the many questions he has about his father's conviction and the circumstances surrounding his mother's murder.

This is close to my heart, obviously, because we're talking about my boys' Grandmother....who they will never have the privilege to know,  And their Grandfather who they have only seen behind razor wire.

Thayer would be extremely proud of Thad for pressing on and searching for answers, the truth,whatever can be concluded.

http://junctionpodcast.com/podcast/

And with all of this said, I am extremely excited to announce that a storyteller named Blake Higgins has also developed a passion for the case and he has produced a podcast titled Junction.


It is high time that this story is told!   And heard!  


I strongly urge you to listen here.

I have listened twice... because these are my people.
I have cried twice... because it hits close to home.
You should listen because it's fascinating.  I promise!

Please peruse the Junction website and stay connected.

You can also follow Junction on Facebook

And please, please consider donating to help fund future Junction podcasts.  This story needs to be told!   Blake has done an amazing job with the first installment.  Truly amazing.   He needs our help to continue.
Please visit the "Help Out" page on the website for specific ways you can be involved.

I am over the moon that this story is being shared, in this fashion.   I feel that this podcast has ability to reach a gazillion people, the right people.... as long as we share it with others.
Please listen, talk about it at the water cooler, chat about it over lunch.  Spread the word.

thanks :)

possibilities

Wow. Where have I been?
I've had so many things that I wanted to write about.    Maybe one day I'll catch everyone up on my thoughts about work, "Dessert with Dads" at preschool, my unnecessary stalkerish crushes, the conference that I went to, the new guitar teacher, and the Captain America motorcycle dude.

But today.  A beautiful Easter day.   A great day for a road trip.

Our friend from Ruckersville came to visit on Thursday and left his baseball glove in our backyard.   I could have mailed it to him.   But the thought of packaging and dealing with the post office was such a depressing thought.
It was much more reasonable, and easier, for us to hand deliver.
After lunch we hit the road.    The boys watched a movie from Redbox while I rekindled my lyrical relationship with Andrew Peterson.    The drive was perfect and the music felt so much like 'home'.

We made a pit stop at one of those trampoline places and the kids jumped for 30 minutes and then we continued on our journey.
The glove was delivered and a 20 minute chat with our friends.  (Which was basically just me rattling off everything in my head).   And then we headed home.

I LOVE road trips.  I really can't state that enough.    I feel that when I'm on the road, that the possibilities are endless.   If the boys and I had packed bags, (and if we didn't have another road trip planned for tomorrow! yay!).... I think I would have kept driving.    I really long for that type of adventure. I love seeing the open road in front of me.

I focused on the trees today.  I strained my eyes a few times trying to figure out if the branches were budding leaves.    The trees are right on the edge of exploding with green.   So much possibility in those little buds.   Such a great time of transition.

I recalled how I felt a few months ago. Stuck, with no goals.
But God has a perfect way of flipping things.
Just this week... I feel like I've got the whole world at my fingertips.  The change in season has really perked me up.      Perhaps, like the trees, I am getting ready to enter a new season!
I imagine myself happy, fulfilled, and I even thought about what it would be like to be in love again.  How exciting that would be.    :)

I'm looking forward to...

soft

Mr. Q joined our family in January of 2000 after a pregnancy hormone induced announcement that I "had no friends".   Thayer left the house and came back with a cat.
And then I cried about how inconvenient an animal would be.  
(poor Thayer)

For 15 years I have managed to keep that cat fairly trained.   He is basically a dog in cat's clothing.
I've maintained a strict rule that no animals are allowed on the couches.... unless they are in a lap or on a blanket.   And absolutely no animals in my bed.  ever.
 Mr. Q is smart about these things.  
The Blueberry cat is not.   She needs reminders about the couches.  (and thankfully she's never even thought about touching my bed.)

Something has recently changed.
I've become soft.

Poor old Mr. Q is ancient and frail.    Over the past few months, I have had many thoughts of  "he won't be with us much longer.   It won't hurt if he sits on the couch.  I'll deal with it."
(also keeping in mind that I'm getting new furniture when the cats are gone)  :)
He's skinny and pathetic at times.

One morning I walked by and saw him on my bed.   I had a passing thought of "let him be" and I did.
About ten minutes later I walked by and he had puked ALL over my duvet and feathers.
Of course he did.   Argh.

I vowed at that moment to upkeep the rule in play.  No cats on my bed.  ever.

But... a few days later, he was back again.   And instead of reprimanding, I left him there.
And yesterday too.
As I walk by his eyes get big, expecting discipline.... but then he settles down as if to mock me.

The cats know I've gone soft.
They have taken over the couches in the living room.   It is so disgusting.   It goes against every fiber in my being.    

As I sit here typing... this just happened... right in front of me.
A mess.

My dream couches are worn leather.
In time, my friends   In time.

limbo

The boys and I are coming away from SIX snow days off from school and one two hour delay.  
It's been fabulous.  Really fabulous.
Everything came to a STOP and there was no agenda.
It was a great taste of what summer may, or could, be about.   (How many days till summer break?)

We're back in business tomorrow.    Fun things ahead this week.
And the hint of another snowfall on Wednesday night makes me smile.

I've been thinking about Thayer this week.   A few events and conversations have brought him to mind, more than usual.   It's been bittersweet.    Good memories.  Yet still in disbelief that this year will mark seven years without him.    That's wild.  

I watched Cast Away with the boys the other night.   I'm pretty sure that Thayer and I had watched it together- way back when.   And I probably haven't seen it since then.    I knew the storyline and yet I cried through most of the ending.
 Really cried.
I felt especially torn when Tom Hanks' character returned home from the island after being gone for over four years.   His fiance and friends had "buried" him.... thought he was dead..... and moved forward.
 In only four years his fiance had been married and had a child.   She had started a completely new life.
It made me realize that Thayer has been gone for almost seven years and the kids and I, in some ways, have a completely new life.   But in other ways, I feel like we're stuck.

Yes, we are content.  And happy.  And ultimately the boys will grow up, move out and have their own lives.
But at this point I don't have any goals in life.   I feel like I'm kind of in limbo.
(and I really didn't start to think about this until I started typing.  I'm my own buzz kill)
What the heck am I going to do with my life?
I've got some ideas floating around in the back of my mind.  But nothing that I want to commit to at this point.

I guess that's not for me to figure out right now.

First things first.  
6:15am is going to come early tomorrow.
G'night!

snow day 4

I ventured into the sunlight today.    
We had been at home for over 72 hours.    That must have set a record for me!
Daniel had a follow-up appointment at the orthodontist at 3:55pm.   I don't think I've ever been so excited about an appointment!!
 -We went to the orthodontist.
 -We ran by the post office (yeah... what happened to the USPS this week?  I thought that nothing stopped the mail.  ??)  
-We ate dinner out.   This was a treat because we had eaten at home for 3 solid days.  haha.
-We grocery shopped at Wal-mart.
This was a big day!

Other than shoveling snow for 35 minutes on Tuesday I hadn't even been outside.  

How lame.
I noticed that other moms were playing with their kids in the snow.    Even moms with teens.    Or...my other conclusion is that they ran outside to take pictures of their kids and then retreated inside to post pictures on FB to make them seem motherly.

the token picture of my time outdoors.
thank you, Lisa, for capturing this rare moment

There wasn't really any part of me that wanted to chase my teenagers around outside in the teen temperatures.   They were doing pretty well without me.    So all is well.

Tomorrow will be my fifth day home from work.   And I have absolutely nothing to show for it!   I paid bills and organized my tax papers yesterday.    I ran a vacuum today.
How odd that I long to have time at home to clean and catch up on things around the house.   And I've had four days of doing..... I don't have a clue.

It has been nice to socialize with friends for a few days.   I suppose that the relational time will have more of a lasting impact than if I had decided to clean the toilets.  

Tanner is here for another sleepover.  We watched the Box Trolls movie, which actually turned out to be a lovely film with several nice little messages.

I had plans for tomorrow... but they dissipated.  Another free day and the world at our fingertips!
I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.  
 Maybe I'll finally get to those toilets.
I love snow days!