challenge

I was recently challenged to do the Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS Association.   And I've decided to refrain from the obligatory soaking of ice water.
But I am all about donating!
I decided to pretend that I did the bucket dumping and I DID donate $10 for ALS research.   And I challenge you to do the same.

***Click here to donate to the ALS Association!***

And since I didn't actually complete the challenge I decided to donate $100 as well.   BUT I decided to donate to two charities that are on my heart this month.

Some folks would say to donate quietly and move along.   But I've read several convicting blogs that encourage people to donate and make a big fuss about it... in order to encourage others.

So I'll go ahead and make a big fuss about it.

My kids are fresh home from a weekend at Comfort Zone Camp.   This camp experience has been amazing for my boys.   They have attended five camps over the past six years.    And each year they are anxious to get back  (Well... Daniel needed some prodding this year... but he came home ready to sign up for next year!)
Comfort Zone Camp has provided a safe place for my boys to simply be themselves among other people who 'get it'.   It's a great place to connect with other kids and talk about life and loss.
I can't say enough about this organization.    Just know that CZC is great.    And it's FREE to participants!!  I challenge you to make camp possible for more kids like mine.

***Click here to donate to Comfort Zone Camp!***

I also figured that this post would be a great way to kick off my fundraising efforts for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
On October 25th, I will be participating in the  "Out of the Darkness Community Walk" in Roanoke.
This walk raises awareness of depression and suicide, as well as comforts those who have lost a loved one to suicide.    I am raising money to help support the AFSP raise money for research and education programs to prevent suicide and save lives.
I challenge you to donate to the AFSP, and help me reach (or surpass) the goal I have set for the walk.

Click here to donate to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention through my fundraising page!

So.  There you have it.
No wet t-shirts and no mess.  But...Donations are made.
And you'll probably be hearing more over the next few months while I give big pushes for these organizations.
:)

the tree

A few days ago, 75 days before Halloween, Lucas decided that it was time to decorate.

I'm not quite sure how it happened.   I may have mentioned something about it in the car.   He was looking for something to do and I may have said something about the Halloween tree.

Perhaps he was inspired by last year's early phone call from Sabrina who prompted him to do the same thing.

I dunno.
But for whatever reason he set up the black tree and decorated it.   He disappeared into the basement, returning every few minutes with more Halloween decor.   He distributed pumpkins around the house and hung Halloween wreaths on the doors.

75 days before Halloween.

Lucas is awesome.    I love his creativity.
And our house feels festive.

When you approach our house at night the lights from the tree are ablaze like Christmas.

I like to keep our neighbors guessing.

With the great anticipation of the ever slowly approaching holiday the cats have joined in on the fun.  I have watched them as they have attempted to claim the tree as their own.    The two of them have nuzzled the branches, stretched up the trunk, and circled up underneath.  
So it was no surprise to me when the tree tumbled to the floor.   And by the time I entered the room.... it was void of cats.
Sneaky bastards.

The tree fail happened tonight at 10:30pm as Daniel and I were scrambling to get ready for bed.
Daniel and I attempted to place the tree upright again, but after struggling for several minutes we realized that the stand was broken!  We bickered back and forth until I decided to retrieve our Christmas tree stand and resolve the problem.
As I type, the tree is back in action.   And I hope that it can survive another 71 days.

Let the countdown to Halloween begin.....

six years

Today marks the sixth year anniversary of Thayer's death.

 I really don't have anything profound to share today.    Our day went as planned.  The boys and I immersed ourselves in mindless television, a friend came to visit, the guitar guy came, and we attended the church cookout.

I think that sad anniversaries are only what you make of them.

This year I decided not to make it a big deal.   Even though, inside, I was struggling.   Every year the anticipation of certain days brings on an emotional and physical reaction.   I know that I just have to get through the day and then life continues as usual.  (kinda like meeting with my financial advisor)  haha ;)
 
No big deal in the grand scheme of things.

 It's not that the time has healed my grief.   Time just makes the grief more bearable.
 I think.  
The grief is certainly not as fresh as it was a few years ago.... but I know that whether it's been six years, or sixty, I will always remember what we had - and lost.

I haven't let my mind 'go there' today.
I have been very happy lately.   I don't want to put myself in that pit of active grief again.
Not yet.  
I haven't needed a good weepy cry.    The time between tears has grown over the years.    In fact, I can't remember the last time I that I have cried.     But I know that tears will come in time.  They usually do.

The boys are very unfazed by the talk of Thayer's death anniversary and upcoming birthday.  I have no idea what goes on in their tween/teen brains.  I don't push them.  I know that they will struggle in their own way, with missing their Dad, as they approach different milestones in life.   For now, they seem okay.   And I am thankful.

As always I am very thankful for my family and friends who have walked this grief journey with us.     God placed all the right people in our lives to help us survive these past six years.
We are truly blessed.

saturday

Tomorrow is Saturday.  Just another day.
 But that Saturday changed our lives forever.

Saturday.
 Just a day in the week.

There have been six years of Saturdays.

The first few months I dreaded Saturdays.  I would relive our last Saturday together.    I'd watch the clock at 6:10 or 6:20.  (which was it?)  And then again around 8.

I counted the days at first.  Then the weeks.  Then the months.
Now I have to count on my fingers to make sure I'm remembering the years that have past.

Six.

Six years of the calendar squares being crossed off.
 And it's back to Saturday again.

I felt it today.   As I've felt it approaching all week.
I wanted to shut down this afternoon.  Instead I took the kids to the skate park and rented a movie.

Tomorrow I will be off duty.   Please don't call.

Thankfully the cute guitar instructor will come break up our afternoon, and we have a church cookout tomorrow evening.

It'll be Saturday.  Just another day.

ugh

spoiler alert : whiny post.

 I just had a minor fit of panic.  For no particular reason.
I explained to the kids, again, for the  millionth time, that the house is a reflection of my mood.... or vice versa... I've never really figured that out.

But the real reason is that it's THAT time of year again.
The carefree summer is evaporating before my eyes.

 Reality bites.

The boys register for school on Wednesday.
Bedtimes and alarms will have to be set next week.    argh.
There are appointments and calls that I've put off all summer.
There's the yearly appoinment with my financial advisor... where there is nothing to show for how I've spent money... except a wider ass and spoiled children.

I have to wrap my mind around working at preschool again.   (someone asked me about my class yesterday... and I said "what class?)  :)

The worst part is that this transitional period is in the shadow of Thayer's death anniversary and his 'would-be' 44th birthday.

This week I'll be registering the kids, where the forms never fail to ask for parental information.
And every year.... those blank lines throw me a curve.   Do I leave it blank?  Do I write 'deceased'?  Do I give any explanation to teachers?
It sucks.

But every year I get through it.  And the boys get through it.
And in a few weeks I'll be very adamant about not throwing a Halloween party..... while I'm out shopping for prizes.

Such is the circle of a year.
My.  How time flies.

twiddling my thumbs

The older son is back from overnight skateboarding camp.  It was a grand success.

The younger son is perturbed that the oldest, and his friends, took over the TV to watch a skate video.

The youngest has Googled "ways to torture your brother"... and has plans in motion.

I am washing clothes and wasting insanely huge chunks of time.  Anxiously awaiting an evening with friends.

It's been a do nothing day.   I am fortunate... I know.
I am also going slightly loopy.
I'm sure that there is something I should be doing.....

friends

I have AMAZING friends.
Really.
 I know that I am fortunate.
I have a few 'groups' of friends and a few BFFs that are like family to me.
I am always so grateful that they take the time to nurture our friendship and take time to make me feel loved and accepted.
I don't get mushy, ever, but I really mean it....  I am majorly blessed with awesome, supportive, friends.

Not having a significant other can be very lonely.   But for the past, almost six, years my friends have gone out of their way to make me feel a part of something bigger than myself.

I have a couple of friends who are always shopping for my next husband.
(Thank you, Jamie, for terming that as 'shopping'.)

I will be TOTALLY thrilled when my next husband enters the storyline.
I have pretty much forgotten what it's like to have a husband around.  I long to have that helpmate, that companion.   And I'm ready and willing to welcome the right man into our family.
But.... I'm not in a huge hurry to settle.
He's gonna have to be one special dude!

I'm currently very happy with my friends and my kids.   My social life pretty much rocks.....
.... even though I think I can count my male friends on one hand.   And I can't recall the last time I had a date.  (wow.  that's depressing)  :(

BUT.... my girl friends and I have FUN!   (always!)
My kids and I have FUN!  (....sometimes.)

I have come to the conclusion that if Mr Right shows up, my friendships will probably suffer.  Friendships are usually casualties of new relationships.  I'd like to think that I could balance everyone.... but dating would surely suck up a lot of my free time, right?
My prayer is that Mr. Right will be accepted into the circles and roll with it.    
He has to be someone who is comfortable with car singing.

....
 please hold while I add that criteria to my official list 
 .....

Okay.  where was I?

yes.  My friends are great!  And I hope that God always surrounds me with these great people. Especially when I'm old.    Chances are....my married friends will become widows at some point.   I could totally use their help with all of the cats.*
 it would be great to have a roommate in the assisted living place.
We'd be able to flirt with old men and make inappropriate comments to the young men who serve our meals.

But I don't want to get ahead of myself.
I'm enjoying where I'm at now.

Thank you, God, for my friends!


*There will absolutely be NO cats.  I promise.

trippin'

Well.  So much for me documenting our 'everyday' occurrences.

 I suppose we've just been too busy. hah.

Last week we snuck away for a few days to go camper-ing with Jamie and T.   Overall a great time and we enjoyed staying in a fancy pants camper!   Way cool.

I could have stayed at the lake for weeks and weeks and weeks but, by the third day, the boys were wiped out and ready to get home.

I really don't enjoy coming back to reality.    I've been super excited that I've been able to escape this summer.     My desire to travel has been slightly nurtured by the mini vacations we have taken this year.  But I'm kinda aching to do a larger trip.  Maybe fly somewhere.

We're "technically" not supposed to have a 'big' trip for another few years.... but we'll see.

a day in my life

It's been over a week since we returned early from our vacation.
The at-home vacation days filled up quickly.    I was able to meet with friends, have a cookout with my family, and spend many hours at the skate park with the boys.

This week we have visited the park, gone camping, and ventured to play in Otter Creek.

Today was our first full day at home.  I intended to clean all day and do all of the stuff that I have neglected for so long.
Upon waking at 10.... (hehe).... I dove into the piles of stuff laying around the house.  For the most part things have been returned to their places.  Lucas woke up and "cleaned" his room.  
 Within a few hours I decided that running errands also sounded like a good idea.   We dropped off things at people's houses and spent way too much money at Target.

I intended to come home and clean the bathrooms and mop the floors.    But why waste time on such things when we don't expect to have company until Sunday??  If I wanted clean bathrooms, I would have invited someone over for dinner tonight!  ;)

Instead of cleaning, I sat to finally finish writing Thank You cards for the gifts from my preschoolers..... back in May.    I normally don't wait this long to write thank you notes.    I have forgotten how tedious it is to write 15 hand written notes.  Even short notes.   Exhausting!
I suppose I have been spoiled with typing.   I enjoy typing :)

That's the update as of thursday afternoon.  
We don't have much planned for the weekend.   Just more of the same.
I am loving my summer and I hope the next month will creep by.

leaving Rodanthe

Wednesday, July 2nd:

Well.   Arthur officially wants to be a hurricane.   So we packed up and left the beach today.
The county had not declared a mandatory evacuation but from the looks of the weather reports, our location was not the best place to be when the storm came by.   Our rental house was close to the ocean, and the dunes out front were rather non existent.    The likelihood of flooding, and salt water in my car didn't seem appealing.     And I was even more convinced when the folks on the weather channel specifically mentioned the "highway north of Rodanthe" as the most susceptible of being breached by the ocean.  (And let me remind you that there is only one road off of that tiny strip of land).  And NO WAY do I want to get stuck out there in the ocean.
About the same time I had decided to pack up, my friends also said that they were hightailing it out of there.    Their executive decision sealed the deal.

The boys and I packed the car, headed up the highway, and went to the aquarium as planned.

I had promised Lucas a big seafood dinner this week.   So we stopped for an early dinner at a Seafood Buffet.
It was about half way through our meal when I realized that I had learned the most important lesson of the day.   "Seafood Buffet" is a far cry from what I'm used to.    Apparently the key to a good seafood buffet are the words "Calabash Style" seafood!   We discovered that the food at this joint was gross, slimy stuff from the ocean.... and they didn't even have french fries.
WHAT?!
Lesson learned.

We hit the road and got home before 10pm.
Sabrina called to inform me that a mandatory evacuation has been issued for Hatteras Island, starting at 5am, Thursday.
 I am thrilled that we got out of there before the thousands of other folk slug their way up Highway 12 in the morning.

I am home tonight and unpacked!
Even though our vacation was cut in half we had a great time.  Lots of sun and relaxing with our friends!

on our toes in Rodanthe

July 1st, continued:
As of Tuesday night we have been instructed to keep an eye on the weather.  Tropical Storm "Arthur" developed down in Florida and is heading our way.   With a possibility of becoming a hurricane as it gains momentum.
By the looks of several weather models the storm should be here by Thursday night /Friday morning.
The realty company has already sent a three page information sheet with instructions for weathering the storm or the steps to take if there is a mandatory evacuation.
The dude at the pier seemed convinced that things weren't going to go well this week.

I, on the other hand, will not let the impending doom ruin my vacation.
The boys and I plan to visit the aquarium tomorrow.
 And then we'll see if the county deems it necessary for us to leave.
I'd hate to cute our stay short.... but we'll do whatever is necessary.

Tuesday in Rodanthe

Tuesday, July 1st:
Three full days of vacation are slowly becoming the past.

Isn't it interesting how the first few days of vacation seem to drag by, and then the last several fly by too fast?  I'm trying to hold on to this Tuesday as long as possible.

Sunday we spent the morning and the afternoon on the beach.
The waves were rough.   Outer Banks rough.
The boys had a close call and learned a valuable lesson, and healthy fear, of the ocean.
Undeterred, they enjoyed a full afternoon of boogie boarding, staying close to the sand.

We've been sticking to our summer sleep schedule!!

We slept late on Monday, ate lunch, and then headed to the sound for an afternoon of glassy smooth water and easy swimming.

The boys had combined their money to buy a two- person inflatable boat and Daniel floated around in the boat for most of the day.

Monday evening, we went out to eat BBQ and ran some errands.

Today we headed to the beach after lunch.   The water was much calmer and the kids enjoyed jumping waves and boogie boarding.    I even joined in on the wave jumping.  It brought back memories from my childhood trips to the beach.

The past few days have given me plenty of time to read!  I'm currently in the third book of The Walk series by Richard Paul Evans.  I recently realized that he is a great storyteller and his books are right up my alley.   They are quick reads with good messages.

I may have more time to read this week since the weather might bring a tropical storm our way later this week.
We'll see how it goes.

Our nights in Rodanthe

Saturday, June 28th:
Our first night in Rodanthe.

We journeyed to the Outer Banks to vacation with our dear friends.
Always a pleasure.

The boys were anxious to get to the ocean so we went down to "put our feet" in the water.  That went just as expected as both boys jumped waves and were soaked in seconds.

Sabrina and I geared up for our big shopping excursion to Food Lion, along with thousands of other people.   It was successful (we survived) and eventually fed the crew pizza for dinner.

My boys and I took a late night walk on the beach.  The sand crabs were out in abundance and we speculated why some Asian folks were collecting them in buckets.
Dinner?

I stood and watched my boys splash in the surf.  Running up and down.... attempting to outrun the waves.
I marveled at how much my boys have grown.
 I thought about how proud Thayer would be.   I missed Thayer.

Then I thought about the magnitude of the ocean.  So huge, so beautiful, so dark, so deadly.
Time by the ocean is so full of family bonding, so much beauty, so much God.   And at the exact same moment the ocean is vast, lonely and consuming.
I stood in the darkness trying to attach words to the black roaring, and squeals of  laughter, in front of me.

By the ocean is where our family has vacationed for years.   The ocean is where we scattered a portion of Thayer's ashes.   The ocean also took the life of my friend's husband.
So much beauty.  So much sadness.
It's like a giant exclamation mark on emotion.

Despite all of this the ocean is one of my favorite places.  Perhaps it's the vastness, and possibility, that draws me.
I'm looking forward to an amazing week with amazing people... by the ocean.

camping

The boys and I headed off on Sunday to camp for a night.
And since the boys tend to turn up their noses at going anywhere with just me, we took a neighbor kid along.

This was the first time I was going as the lone adult.
 I knew I could handle the actual process of camping.  (especially since we planned to eat out for dinner)  ;)
I just wasn't sure if I could handle the lack of adult conversation.  I am a glutton for peer companionship.

It just so happened that the evening was great.   The boys enjoyed playing with fire and I wasn't too annoyed with their random discussions.   AND I slept better than I usually do in a tent!   Apparently we all slept pretty good..... until 9 and 9:30am!
(bonus points for keeping our sleep schedules while camping!)  :)

 I think I'm getting used to the thought of camping more often..... and hopefully staying more than one night when we go out.

After realizing that we will always have extra people with us...   AND after camping with our cousin last week in a ginormous tent, I made the decision to purchase a larger tent for our family.
Tonight we welcomed a "10-person instant cabin tent" into our family.... and into our front yard!
The boys were super excited to try it out.    And the neighbor too.

(I'm not sure what our other neighbors will think... because I can still hear chattering at 11:30pm)
.... but.... my boys are making memories!

ideal summer

  It has taken me a few weeks to work out the kinks in my summer 'ideal'.    The boys and I have had heated discussions on what our summer days should look like.   Apparently our city pool which is Olympic size has become "too small" for my kids. (i.e., they are spoiled and ungrateful).

The one thing we have agreed on is camping, visiting the lake (so far, the lake still seems big to them.), and having late night campfires.

These are all acceptable to me.  And actually very fun for all of us.  So in order to keep video games and TV at bay, I'm encouraging these activities.  I'm going all out.

The most fabulous news is: I have recently achieved my dream of syncing our summer sleep patterns.
We are one of the fortunate families who can host campfires until 10pm, sleep until 9:30-10am, wash and repeat.

My kids don't realize how good they have it.

I tried to explain to my kids that this kind of summer is rare these days.  very rare.

I tried to explain to my kids that the 'real world' works year round.

In just a few years the 'real world' will be a reality to all three of us.
Until then I'm gonna let them be kids.
 And please don't call me before 10am.

the important things

Mom says it doesn't matter what I write and if I wait to write just the important things then I'll probably never write anything, because important things just look like everything else except when you look back on them.

.....

I didn't realize it at the time, but the reason I wrote was always changing.  As I grew older, I wrote as proof of my existence.   I write, therefore I am.

I am.  In each of us, there is something that , for better or worse, wants the world to know we existed.

Alan Christoffersen (in Richard Paul Evan's The Walk)

I have torn through several books in the last few weeks.    Each one, in little ways, has inspired me to continue journaling.  It's true that my reason for writing has changed over time.   I started blogging simply to update family when we lived out of town.   I continued blogging as my own form of therapy when Thayer died.   And more recently I only sit to type if something eats away at me for several days.  

But the truth is.... the simple things in life turn out to be the important things "when you look back on them". Thinking on this has convicted me to start documenting those 'unimportant' moments.... because in reality... these are the moments that count.  

one week

spoiler:  this is a post about how I don't have to work in the summer.   So all you haters, back off.   ;)

One week.   I've been on my summer vacation for approximately one week.    And I have started to question my meaning in life.   What is my purpose?

Seriously.    I just chatted with another single gal who is off during the summers and she brought up the exact same topic......so I know I'm not totally crazy.

Apparently when one stops working..... the free time can become detrimental.    

I made an effort to laze around last week.  (because I'm supposed to deserve a break!)  

I slept in some, took naps, read an entire book,  (yes!  I read!), went out to lunch with friends.   

In my free time I obsessed about cat hair in the house and contemplated what 'that weird smell' in the kitchen is.

And in the remaining free time I pondered what I'm supposed to do with my life.

Turns out that free time is unnerving.

Last week, my prayer was that God would make this a summer of clarity.   I prayed that I would be able to relax, enjoy my family and friends, and find clarity in what God wants me to do next.

Today I thought about selling my house and moving to the country.

I've always told the kids that "if I get married again we will buy some land in the country".   

"If I get married again".

And then it occured to me.... why the heck put my dreams on hold while waiting for some man?!
If that man doesn't come along, what kind of regrets would I have?

I feel like getting a Realtor and just having someone keep an eye out for my dream house.     Not that I would jump and move next month.... but if something amazing came along.... 

why not?

Then again, we're happy here.   So why rock the boat?

At this point, I could go either way.
Really.   My life choices are wide open.    I'll be curious to see how things play out.

I've got another week ahead of me before my kids get out of school.

My goal is to seriously clean the house.    Chances are.... that's not gonna happen.... 

How great?

It's not often that I think about Sunday's talk all week long.   So when I do, I want to pass it along :)

Mark, at Grace Church, spoke about trust and obedience.
He said, "Our actions show what we believe".

We go into worship on Sundays and we sing about how great God is...... but then we act as though He is not.

"You act out of your real beliefs."

So this got me thinking.
Do I believe God to be good, as I declare in song each Sunday?
Thankfully, I do!

Do I act as though my God is as powerful as I claim Him to be?
I pray that my actions and the basis of my daily decisions reflect my belief that God is GOOD.... through eveything.
I believe that he has great plans for us.
I believe that He will provide.

Lord, help my thoughts and actions reflect who You are.

mother's day

Seriously.  Please tell me that I'm not the only person on the planet that had a rough Mother's Day.
A quick glance at Facebook and it appears that everyone was spewing love and roses... enjoying lovely afternoons with their perfect, thoughtful, children...while reminiscing about their births, and taking gorgeous family photos.

My mother's day consisted of my children bumming money off of their grandmother to buy candy... for themselves.    
Not one of my own children wished me a happy mother's day.
Parts of my day made me flustered and sweaty.   In other moments, my kids ignored me, disobeyed me... and disrespected our friends.
I... or my son... broke my phone.  

Happy Mother's Day.

It's not that I expected anything different on this particular day.  But I think way down, deep inside of me, I kinda hoped that today would be a fun filled family day.   Kinda like the ones depicted on Facebook.
(and I realize that I hate to look at Facebook on holidays... because pretty much everyone ticks me off)

With that off of my chest, I have to admit that there were good parts of the day.
Singing at church.
Singing in my car.
Sharing a meal with my mother.
Having a campfire (thanks Lyn).
Hanging with my single mom friends.  
Enjoying the company of my Sunday night crew.
Watching a funny movie.

My friends are my life savers.  They let me vent, they encourage me, and they love my little family in spite of our dysfunction.     I am thankful for my friends who have made me, and my boys, a priority.   These folks are helping to keep me afloat.

At the end of the day... even today... I am immensely thankful.

p.s.  My kids went to bed happy.  And tomorrow is always a new day :)

time flies

After our adventures of having Matthew in our home, our house became a
 "Bed and Make-your-own breakfast" destination.  
Our spring break was packed with overnight visitors.... dear friends who needed a place to stay and/or were just coming to visit.    We housed adults, a two year old, and an old dog.  
I LOVE having company! Yet my hostessing qualities are null at best.    
My overlapping guests found themselves entertaining each other over breakfast ...while I was still asleep!   We have THE best friends who were able to make themselves at home.  I love that.

Before I knew it, we were back to school and work with the realization that summer is just around the corner.   I have less than three weeks left at preschool.  And my boys will be home in early June.  I am ecstatic, to put it mildly.

The change in seasons and the anticipation of summer has revived many thoughts of Thayer.  
Don't misunderstand..... I DO think about him throughout the year... all of the time.
But it seems as though the warm weather, the yard work and the sunnier days bring Thayer to the forefront of my mind.

Today I watched my boys mow and trim the yard.   This will be the first year that both boys will cut the grass, unassisted.  
I am thrilled.  
 I was so proud to see Lucas handle a weed eater.
Boys and their machines.   They make it look so easy!
Thayer would be proud.

I took Daniel for a hair cut today.    His barber, Alison, mentioned that Daniel had grown, and that he looked like his Dad.   I was touched that she even remembered what Thayer looked like.    Her comment made my afternoon.


Tonight we watched The Book Thief.   All spoilers aside.... geez.
Let's just say that it got me thinking about the 'bigger picture'.    Lucas was upset that I even let him watch the movie.   I talked with him afterwards about how our lives are pretty much like books.   Each event shapes and molds us.   Some of us have longer books than others.   My prayer is that Lucas and Daniel have long books, with many chapters, and happy endings.    These first chapters are just a part of their story.

Time continues to fly by.   I need to slow down and enjoy the read.