important dates

Greg's super power is remembering dates.   He can recall dates of occassions, he can recall dates that movies and music were released.   He has a "Rain Man" type of recollection for dates and numbers.

I, on the otherhand, do NOT.   There are only several dates that I can easily recall.

1977, born

1995, graduated HS

1999, married to Thayer

2000, first child

2002, second child

2004, moved away from town

2007 moved back to town

2008 Thayer died

2017 Married to Greg

In the past I have always documented my thoughts about getting older, as well as my thoughts each year around Thayer's death....basically to remember how old I am and to keep my memory in check.

This year the dates came and went and I wanted to write.   I wanted to write about being 43..... to write about 12 years without Thayer.... and how he would have been 50 this year.     

 I did not write.

Who would have thought this would be such a distracting year.   And such a pivotal year in so many ways.

2020. We will remember this year.

2020.  I turned 43.   

2020.  Thayer has been gone 12 years. Still seems so surreal.   

(2008 will always be my most pivotal year.)

2020.  I left my job of 13 years to pursue a fast food job.   I was told by a co-worker that it is a "young person's job".    (I can feel that, for sure.)    And who would have guessed that I would be in a new "career" at age 43.

2020 could not have been predicted by ANY of us back in 2015.   I can imagine this year has thrown those "5 year planners" for a huge loop.  

What's your 5 year plan?

 I find that question impossible to ponder over.   So much can happen in five years.   So much can happen.... in an instant.

I'm sure God giggles at our plans.... maybe even belly laughs.

This year has certainly been a doozy.   We'll just add it to our list of memorable dates and pray that we'll have many more.

God's plan for us is perfect....even when we are not.

 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.

James 4:13-16

burn the ships

I sat in a group interview and declared "change of career" as a reason for pursuing the job.      

I have never considered myself a career oriented person.   

Leaving my job of the past 13 years is a huge decision and I guess it IS a career change.    

I went to school, ages ago, and obtained that early childhood development degree so that I could work with kids.  That's all I've known for....forever.

The past 13 years I haven't logged many hours in a building but I have logged countless hours of planning, thinking, preparing, and bearing the weight of emotionally supporting children and families.   

I've been teased for "not working" because of my easy schedule, but I am also fully aware that I worked harder during my 18-20 hours in the building than some people work all week at other jobs.

My co-workers were fabulous.  Every day.   Best group of ladies that anyone could ask for.    

After my resignation I came to terms with just how important these ladies have been to me.     These ladies have been a part of my entire story.    They grieved with me and supported me following Thayer's death, they encouraged me during my years of solo parenting, they celebrated with me upon my new love and marriage.   My co-workers- friends-  have been a steady force through all of my big life changes.

It was a huge decision to leave my job and my co-workers.  To leave the comfort and predictability of everything I've known.  However, I have a complete peace about it.
God has been playing the song, "Burn the Ships" by For King and Country, in my mind for weeks.   It has been such an encouragement as I move forward.

The song is based upon the artist's personal experience as well as the histoical incident during the Spanish conquest of Mexio in 1519 AD, where a Spanish commander landed his ships on enemy shores unaware of what awaited his arrival.  To ensure that the men were committed to their mission, he proclaimed, "Burn the ships!".   This song is "very much dedicated to the whole concept of no retreat, to very aggressively leave the past in the past and move forward." *

So....here I am...."burning the ships" and starting a new adventure.   I'm thankful for where I have been but I'm looking forward to my next chapter!

*song background from Wikipedia :)

fear or faith

Over the past few months, I have used the phrase "fear over faith" on countless occassions.   I have used it when referring to religious organizations, friends, and even family members.  

I have watched people who claim to be Christ followers cower silently in our current social climate; Bowing to the propaganda and not to the Creator.  

I recently realized, in the wee hours of the night, that I too have been caught up in a fear. 
Not fear of a virus, not fear of racism, not fear of unruly streets, not fear of our political climate.... but a fear of being called "ignorant, small minded, selfish, inconsiderate".     I am NOT those things.... but it appears that people who share their opinion, ANY opinion, are basically crucified for having thier own thoughts.  Even in silence, people are being judged.  There are no winners.
So...  I have basically kept quiet, except ranting to the ears of close friends.

I've said all along that Satan is doing his best to divide us.  No doubt.  It's not about black/white or masks/no masks or school/no school or cops/no cops....It's about good and evil.  There is a spiritual battle going on and Satan is sitting back with a big ol' grin on his face.  I'm sure he's thinking.... "That was easy."    I'm stunned at how Christians fell right into the plan.    

 I'm just as guilty as the next guy.   For months I grumbled and complained.... but upon recent study of 2 Timothy, I was reminded to avoid quarrels and to love, as Chirst loves us.  That was such a simple reminder!.... but an excellent re-set for me after months of uncertainty.

I don't have fear, or worry, about our current climate.  None of this is a surprise to God.  I rest knowing that all of this mess is His plan.  Somehow for our benefit.  That's the entire purpose of our faith.   Having trust and confidence in God....even when we can't see Him, or understand His ways.

 Knowing that many people would say, a "loving" God would not let this happen in America or across our globe... I say, "why not?"   We are no different than the tribes and cities that God destroyed in Bible times....brazen with our idolatry and sin.   
Christians are aware that things will get crazier before Christ returns.    We need to walk boldly in to what Christ calls us to do. 

A friend recently wrote to me, "Satan would want nothing more than you to sit idol."   That was a kick in the butt for me.   I instantly felt the need to get back to writing.   Share my thoughts.  Remind believers to be the light.     We, as a faith community need to stop with the devisive speech.    We need to love our neighbors.... all of them.    We are the only Jesus that many people will ever see.  Are we standing bold in our faith and pointing others to Christ?  

Or are we cowering in our bubbles... and simply hoping to make it out alive.   That's not really our mission, is it?

I have been so focused on saying the phrase "fear over faith" these past few months.
How about considering "faith over fear"?!

Let's choose that.

A friend shared this last night on Facebook.    How perfect!

corona crisis

I just counted 45 entries in my "corona virus journal".   

Forty five days ago, I found myself suddenly out of school and very alone at home.  (It's been business at usual for the others in my household).
In order to maintain my sense of balance I have gotten up each day, made my bed, had my yoga practice, taken a walk, read my Bible, showered and dressed for the day....  Every day.... for the past 45 days.

By the time I complete my morning routine, it's time for lunch.   I have made a point to have something scheduled each day.  Errands, house projects, picking up popcorn from the Venue, getting take-out, and maybe some secret time with a friend or two.

In the beginning of this mess, even with my routine and scheduled days, I had some really low moments.  

Dare I say I had an existential crisis?!    

I was left alone all day, and most of the night, with my own thoughts.   I was aware when Satan was whispering lies to me, and also recognized when God was shouting truth in the other ear.   

 

Here was my dilemna:

I have always been the "party planner", the "social/cruise director".    I love people.  I love to gather people.   My days and weeks were scheduled around social events and spending time with people.  

Then BAM.  I was unable to plan.  Unable to gather.  Unable to be social.  

Unable to be who I AM.

I was worried about the folks that I would be unable to see for an extended amount of time!   I was worried about my friends who would be stuck at home.  How would their mental health be? What would I do to remedy the fact that I can't plan gatherings?  Gosh, I was gonna miss conversations and laughing, and hanging out!   How can I keep people connected?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.    

All of these questions suddenly gave me pause.   Because....  Here I was... all alone and worried about not connecting with people..... and I realized that it was eerily quiet over here.    Where were all of those people I was dying to communicate with? 

(crickets.)

Over the first few weeks, I received one card from a friend who acknowledged I might be having a tough time being home from work, and two other friends reached out with the same sentiments, noting that it was probably hard for an extrovert, like me, to be secluded.

Turns out that my introvert friends were doing fine.... or else they were totally overwhelmed with working from home and schooling children.  (I get that)

But as I thought about my relationships.... I had a LOT of time to evaulate my role in many of them.  How many of my relationships do I carry?   If I didn't initate or plan something.... would I ever hear from some of my friends? 

Gosh.... this is so horrible to type!

Anywho, I have gained clarity about it all as the weeks have passed.   I have decided I'm going to approach a few things differently when we all get back to "normal".

My existential crisis has boiled down to the fact that I have decided I am much more than the "cruise director".   God abruptly stripped me of my title in order for me to realize that my worth isn't found in how much I plan, or initiate, or do.   This quiet time has slowed me down.  I'm hoping I can learn to nuture the important things, and the important relationships as time moves on.

I think this time of quarantine has reset all of us.

Did all of our previous excess and busyness really accomplish anything?

I pray that when life resumes.... our new normal will look a little slower and a little more focused.
I'm not saying that I won't be the first in line at my favorite restaurants.... with all of my friends in tow... but maybe, just maybe, I will slow it down a bit and relish those people- and those moments-more than ever before.   

the fast.

The pastor encouraged the congregation to fast from something for 21 days. 

 I knew right away that I wanted to fast from mindless scrolling on Facebook.

As for fasting….God tells us not to talk about it.    Jesus was pretty clear about it in Matthew 6:6-18.

But here I go....I'm gonna tell you my experience even though I know better.   May God have mercy and hopefully use this story for good.  ;)

Facebook.  

It’s nearly impossible to get away from once you're connected   There are several Facebook groups that I am a part of, or am the administrator of... so unplugging entirely was out of the question.      

I made the decision to "fast" from the scrolling of all social media.   I removed the facebook app from my phone’s home page and removed Instagram entirely.   

I sign on to Facebook one time each day to catch up on the group posts.    

It’s been over a month and I’m still in the habit!    I’m thrilled to say that I spend less than a minute on Facebook each day, and I haven’t missed Instagram at all.  

yeah, imagine that! 

My deal with God was that if I felt like scrolling, I would take the time to pray for family and friends.  Turns out, I failed at that.  However I have freed up an additional 30 minutes each morning that I spend in Bible reading and study.   This has been illuminating, and I have a fresh desire to learn God's Word.

There is one downside to this fast that I didn't see coming. 
I found myself bored and lonely!   It's hard to be the only person in a house that's not looking at a screen.    I was craving conversation that didn't revolve around a meme or an online article. 
Now, more than ever, I realize that I am such a relational person.   I love quality time and quality conversations with my friends. 
I'm currently in the process of finding ways to fill my down time:  Daily walks, reading an actual book, a new jigsaw puzzle, resuming lunch dates with friends.

If anything, this past month has been an unexpected learning experience.  (I guess that's one of the benefits of a fast, eh?) 
I am being stretched- emotionally- as I am learning to evaluate and assess how I'm spending my time.
I am slowly, uncomfortably, figuring out how to be alone (with people present) and still content.
I am learning more about God, and putting more thought into how I can glorify Him in my daily habits. 
Relying on Him to always fulfill my needs.

Kicking the social media habit was huge, I suppose....But now.... taking my life back and making it meaningful....that is the real challenge!

out with old, in with new

I have new plates and bowls!  I have wanted square dishes for a long time and thanks to Christmas gift cards I made the purchase today. 

As we ring in the year 2020.... I realize that we've been using our old plates for 20 years!  They were the place settings that I registered for when Thayer and I were married.   

These plates have seen my babies grow into men.... one has flown the nest... and one will follow shortly.    I've decided that I'm starting fresh for the new decade: for the new chapter in our lives.

Not only did I get new plates and bowls.... but I downsized!  I am so excited about this!

Throughout my minimalist journey I have discoverd that I rarely, if EVER, use all TWELVE of my place settings.   Truth be told... If I have a large group over for dinner.... we use paper products.  Anyone with me?

Recently, I also decided that I wanted to intentionally start using my great aunt's china instead of hoarding it away.

I have devised a perfect plan:

Today I purchased FOUR of each: dinner plates, salad plates, bowls. 

These will be our every day dishes.   Crisp, clean, white and square :)  

If I have more than four guests we will use the china.  

(I have 8 place settings)

And if we have more than 8 guests.... paper plates per usual.

sha-zam!

I love the little changes that I'm making in our environment.    

How about you?  What changes will you make in the new year?

so I can remember....

Hightlights from 2019:


-Both boys to WinterBlast at Camp Orchard Hill, Pennsylvania.
-Greg and Jill spent a weekend in Staunton, VA
-Jill hosted a Galentine party for her close friends, presented "love letters"
-We adopted Maleficent from the Humane Society on February 9th.  (aka Mally, Mal, Malory, Maddy, Madelyn)
-Valentine's dinner at Moore's Country Store.
-Girl's weekend to Richmond. (drag brunch and cinebistro)
-Seasonal sleepovers with the neices and nephew
-UVA wins National Championship in basketball
-Daniel has season pass to Wintergreen, injures his rotator cuff and wrist.  skateboards often.
-Lucas attends Midway Baptist Church youth weekend "Dnow, Relentless"
-Family and friend birthday celebrations. 
-Daniel works at Upper Crust Pizza
-Boys: Youth lock-in
-Jill goes to the beach for spring break with Jamie and Tanner
-Taylor starts job as a reporter for WSET.
-Greg and Jill to Arizona for the Axon conference (april 29-May 2).... visit with Thad and family.
-Daniel to Hyperfest in May and to VIR event in October
-Lucas competes in Ninja competiton in NC
-Daniel graduates from Brookville High School On May 31st.
-Greg attends concerts:  Tesla, Stryper, Skid Row, Iron Maiden
-Lucas attends LU-Sodexo Internship
-Pool parties:  extended family comes to swim.  Sunday afternoons with Colemans, youth group cookout
-Jill: monthly ladies' nights
-Jill: SNL (sunday night ladies) here.  Friendsgiving at Lisa's, Christmas party at Kelly's
-Lucas to Paris and Switzerland July 4-15
-Daniel was sick with low blood count on July 7th.  (missed greg's bday party)
-Daniel to Mexico with youth group July 11-20
-Summer lifegroup meetings in family homes.  It rained on our pool party day. 
-new couches
-Lucas gets official license,  first car 2000 Honda Civic hatchback.  (lemon)
-2nd wedding anniversary trip to Williamsburg, VA (Busch Gardens, ghost tour, ride on the ferry)
-Lucas starts work at Upper Crust Pizza after having very few hours at Dominos
-Daniel and Luke Martin purchase the van to fix up.  (still sits in driveway in december)
-Daniel starts working full time at Subaru August 14
-Grandma Gowell fell and broke her femur.... in hospital for almost a month battling complications of blood condition: ITP
-Jill starts lead teacher position, 2s class,Heritage United Methodist preschool.  (13th year of employment)
-Greg attends UVA football games
-Jill- Girl's annual trip to Virgiinia Beach, September
-Boys attend movie nights at Kartch's house
-Lucas' 17th birthday, Daniel's 19th birthday
-Jill attends ladies events at Rustburg UM Church with Kelly Gladden:  Game nights, icecream social, Friendsgiving, cookie exchange
-Boys attend Man Camp with Grace Church at the Torrence farm
-19th annual pumpkin party
-Greg to Gettysburg, PA for leadership training
-Greg and Jill: getaway to Richmond overnight (Cinebistro) and back to C-ville for basketball game
-Hosting Lifegroup Christmas party
-Jill and Jamie go to the theatre:  Best Christmas Pagaent Ever
-Greg and Jill go to the theatre: It's a Wonderful Life Radio Show
-Jill: "Jesus Book Club" dinner and discussions.
- Daniel moved out in November.  Staying with his friend Travis.  Looking to rent a larger house in the new year.
-Taylor brings boyfriend, Logan, to meet the family
-December 30: Greg employed by Lynchburg Police Department for 23 years

preparing for Christmas

Christmas.  It's coming soon.  

I think we're ready.... but our preparations haven't taken the normal course this year.   Wait for it.

  

Early in the season, I made the proclamation that we would keep things super simple this year.  

Simple decor:

Greg and Lucas put up the Christmas tree.    I bypassed the inflatables again this year, just because.  And I had majorly downsized my Christmas decor last year.... so decorating was a breeze.

Simple gifting:

Our household agreed to purchase simple gifts for each other.  A few of us created Wish Lists on Amazon.   Earlier this week, packages started arriving and we realized that they are all addressed to ME..... since we all order through my Amazon Prime account.  (It hadn't occurred to any of us to change the addressee name on the orders.  haha)  So..... no one can open the packages for fear that we will ruin our Christmas surprises. 

My idea: Wrap all of the packages, no name tags.  On Christmas morning.... we'll pass them out and have an epic unboxing party.  Every gift will have a surprise inside.  lol

Simple fails:

Yesterday, early morning.... THIS happened.  

I think I blame the cat.  (May I remind everyone that Greg wanted the cat. )
Ornaments shattered, stand broken with no hope of repair.     We decided to clean up the wreckage and call it a day.    We'll shop for a replacement when things are on clearance.

Simple solutions:

Behold!   Our Amazon packages are wrapped with care and displayed under our Christmas lamp.

I'm certain this will be an unforgettable Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!   I hope that everyone has a blessed time making new memories this season.

the boys

I don't write about my boys anymore.   It's one of those things that dwindles as the kids get older and they become their own people.  A privacy issue of sorts... because who am I to write about their current condition?
I feel the need catch of glimpse of them now... honestly for the documentation before I forget :)

Daniel has pretty much outgrown us.  (As soon as he pulls his stuff together, I picture him flying the coop).   He is working full time as an auto technician.  He is out with the guys alot, traveling to visit his girlfriend, or driving to pick up car parts from all over the state.
Honestly, we don't know what he's doing besides wasting alot of money.  He shows up occassionally to sleep.  (which is why were are starting to charge rent this month).
His car is his hobby. (along with traveling, camping, skateboarding, and whatever else he's out doing.)
 Most recently his car "broke" (his word).... and he disassembled that entire thing and cluttered up our garage and driveway for several weeks with a zillion car parts. (95% still lingers).
I don't know all of the technical stuff.... but I know he had to get a new (to him) block/engine/whatev.    I'm honestly super impressed by his persistance and determination to rebuild his car.   As far as I know, it's running again and I think he's currently trying to resolve "where that leak is coming from".
I see so much of Thayer in him.   The mechanic, the chill, the adventurous spirit.

Lucas is still around.   He comes out of his gaming cave for the occassional meal.   He is working 20-30 hours at the same local pizza joint where Daniel spent several years.   I love that they both started in pizza.  I often state that my boys should buy the business when the owners retire.  (sometimes I think I'm joking... and sometime I think it should totally be our family goal)
Lucas is a senior in high school this year.  He is an all "A" student... who never studies or does homework, as far as we can see.    He's still involved with the culinary course at the Tech Center, and plans to attend the community college next fall.    I'm not sure what he is thinking for future, but the community college offers culinary courses as well.... which would make my pizza dream more viable. :)
Lucas is helpful, particularly when others need his assistance.   We get some hesitation at home but he generally completes a task with little complaint.   Yesterday, he spent over an hour cleaning out our gutters.  He is very resourceful when it comes to labor.  I also see much of Thayer in him.   The problem solver, the quick thinking, the chill.

I'm proud of both boys.  Today is the first day in a long time that we have plans to go to lunch together.    :)
Should be interesting.
Teenagers.

what happened to september?

I didn't realize how occupied September was until it stopped.

This year at preschool, I have stepped into a lead teacher role.  The beginning of school preparations (even for a class of two year olds) was very time consuming.   
To add icing to the chaos of paperwork, room prep and lesson planning.... my mom fell down her stairs and broke her femur the night before I began the school year with my little ones.
The entire month of September quickly became consumed with learning kids, learning families, problem solving in the classroom, helping the crying  screaming kids get settled, writing emails, daily visits to the hospital, and the mental strain of wondering what the heck was wrong with my mom.

The leg break and following surgery were minor compared to the complications that followed.   Mom spent a looonng twenty-four days in the hospital.  There were some very scary days.  It was quite the roller coaster.   My Dad and sisters carried the brunt of advocating for my mom while the hospital tinkered away trying to fix her.
Thank God she is back at home and is currently scooting about with a cane.  I am SO glad to see that there is some normalcy returning to my parents' routine.

Earlier this week....I had free time after work!  I was almost confused by it. 
I ate lunch and watched Netflix for the first time in months.    (catching up on Call the Midwife.  Must watch)
So....this is the life that I have been spoiled by for years.  lol.   I had really missed it during September.

October is brand new and I'm getting my groove back!
In the past week, I have jogged a 5K, attended a game night, gone to two movies, attended a Pound class, and had lunch with friends.
 I clearly thrive on my socialization.  I am thankful to get out and moving this month.   :)
October is my favorite!

August

August 16th
11 years

Mid August always brings on an underlying bit of anxiousness for me: Remembering the pivotal moment of Thayer's death, and the days that followed. 
It was a horrible time...and I only allow myself to engage those memories for about a week.   Then back to business as usual.

It started a bit earlier this month.  August 3rd, I found out that one of my travel companions to Uganda, in 2011, had tragically been killed by a drunk driver.     
My relationship with Kent was brief.  I had traveled with Kent and his son to Uganda and I have seen him a handful of times since.   Kent was DOING things!  Great things!  He was wise, encouraging, open, thoughtful. 
The Facebook tributes began flooding in.... and I knew I had pinned him well.   So many people have described him with such eloquence.  He was the kind of guy that impacted everyone he came in contact with.    His film projects were rich and full.  His faith was unique and his love for his family was so evident.     Kent gave so much of himself to the world.... and now he is just... gone.
I know exactly where Kent Williamson is today.... but I am terribly heartbroken for his wife and six children, as well as the extended family who lost 4 of their people that day.   So many lives shattered.  I just can't imagine. 
My journey can only give me a small glimpse of what that family may be experiencing.   It's horrific.

Fast forward to some of my own weepy car rides this month and the recognition that my boys are growing up with so many of Thayer's traits.
Daniel started working full time as an auto technician this week.   I am so proud, and I know Thayer would be over the moon to have his son follow in his footsteps.   
Where have the last eleven years gone?!

Yesterday I ran in to a family that I haven't seen in many years.   Right away I remembered them as people I loved.  We had lost touch when they moved far away.
My mind went into a frantic search for placing them on my timeline.  Adam and Kim...  They knew Thayer.  Were they around when Thayer died?  Do they even know Thayer is dead?  (cue the sad music about my non-existent memory)
Thank goodness they were able to clear up the details and it was SO lovely to see their faces again.
They have been on my mind since our meeting.  A blast from the past... (Early 2000s) ...A past that feels like two lifetimes ago.

Sabrina shared an interesting theory with me today.   She seems to think I don't remember much of my past, and I don't tend to be anxious about the future, because I live in the present.     In some ways I guess that is true.   
It's true I don't dwell on the past (however it's a shame that I can't remember all the fun stuff).
And if I've learned anything from Thayer's death, it is that we can't worry our way into the future.    We just have to be along for the ride.
I want to strive to be more conscious of the present and be intentional with the people I love.
Life is too short.

find a home

I've spent a little time watching YouTube this summer.   I've been delving more in to videos pertaining to minimalism and simplifying lifestyles.    I've been gathering some great motivation and tips; and I'm able to give myself some high fives for some of the habits I have already formed.

The term"minimalist" sounds so extreme and possibly snooty at times... but I am finding that the modern minimalist is just someone who is taking stock of what they own and only keeping the useful and purposeful items.
I feel that I'm consistently assessing items as I use, or don't use, them.  I have found that even after the initial "purge", the process is cyclical and it's good to return to areas again and again to reassess.   I also make decisions about whether adding items to our home is beneficial for our space, and our budget.

However, even with all of the great strides I have made.... "Garage" is still written on my summer to-do list. 
DO NOT go in there.   I get such a feeling of dread whenever I go in there.  I know the joy I will get once that space is emptied and reorganized.    I'm just fearful of the process. 

I get that most people have that same dread when they think of paring down the items in their home.  It IS a big task.... but I found it can easily be done by working on small projects each day.  One drawer, one closet, one cabinet.    I get such a feeling of satisfaction by knowing that things are organized and in their place. 

I think the key, whether you are trying to minimize OR if you just want a calmer atmosphere, is that every item in your house needs a "home".   And by keeping every item in it's special place, a house can feel calm, well maintained, and tidy.     

I know that if you have young kids, this is nearly impossible.   Just ignore my high and mighty preaching.... or....better yet... follow The Minimal Mom on YouTube.  She's my new favorite!  :)

I'm learning that small steps make a huge difference.    I might even decide to tackle that garage soon. 
maybe.

on being 42

Each year I spend the beginning of June celebrating my birthday and catching up on appointments.      So far I've seen the chiropractor, the eye doctor and my primary care physician.   

 I passed the exams with flying colors.   So far, so good on the getting older front.

The chiropractor and I were talking about aging and he assumed that I was lamenting about getting older.   I had to correct him, and remind him that I see it as a blessing to get older.  Not everyone gets to see 42, ya know?   I DO consider it a priviledge to be here for another year.

The eye doctor, after saying that I just needed the same reading glasses that I've used for the last three years, tried to guess that I was also using them for distance sight.  

Nope.  I see distance well.  It's the little things that I get hung up on.

And that leads to the primary doctor... who had to talk me off of a high cliff that I've created about my weight, and then proceeded to show me my near perfect bloodwork numbers.   She was super encouraging and gave me statistics that show I'm moving in the right direction.  

The thing is... I see distance well.   I know that down the road, I plan to continue an active lifestyle,  that personal issues will be resolved, that relationships will be healed, that God works everything out... and that I will be Ok!     Even knowing all of this.... it's the little things that I get hung up on. 

Lord, help me get past the little things and stay focused on what you have in store!  

42 years.   Lord willing, another 42 to go.  (Well....maybe)

wrestling with shame

Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of  love and belonging - something we've experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

Recently, I happened upon the documentary Embrace, available on Amazon Prime.    It is an excellent film that "explores the global issue of body loathing."     I sat, close to tears, as I painfully related to what women expressed throughout the film.    I was encouraged by seeing glimpses of myself on the screen and then completely discouraged by not knowing if I could ever really be happy in my own skin.   

Thus began my current journey of trying to get to the root of my own shame.  Why do I feel so much shame and insecurity about my body? 

I have briefly discussed the film with a few people, explaining that it highlighted the unattainable expectations that our culture puts on women.

One man I spoke with assumed that the film was about a "fat" lady who was just "making excuses" for women.

(Which, by the way... it is not, and she is not)

This response really rubbed me the wrong way.  Here was a man assuming that someone who wants to spread encouragement about loving our bodies is "fat" and that they are "making excuses".  He went on to say that "anything is attainable." 

But my point, and the point of the film....is Yes.  Anything is attainable.... but at what cost?!  And are we only supposed to love our bodies if we fit into a certain mold?

I lost 55 pounds.  I was praised and admired and encouraged.  It felt great!  

I was also super obsessive about food and exercise.  I was angry at mealtimes.  It was ALL consuming.    

Sadly, over the past two years, I have gained 20 of those pounds back.  The compliments have come to a screeching stop... and honestly, the larger I am, the more insignificant I feel.

I have become very bitter about our culture that seems to put appearance over all else.

Yet.... I know I need to lose the 20 pounds to feel comfortable in my clothes again.   It's a constant struggle.

After chewing on this body image dilemna for a bit, I can only wonder....  Am I overly insecure about my body?   How deep does this go?

 I picked up the book In Bloom: Trading Restless Insecurity for Abiding Confidence,  hoping to get a grip on what appears to be the unfolding of some intense personal reflection.

This has all been a good reminder that my value is, and will always, be in my relationship with God.  

Yes, yes, I know that.   But that is also much easier to say than to really embrace on a day-to-day.

The author, Kayla Aimee started sharing about her insecurity from waaay back.... her hurt and embarrassments from elementary school.    I kept thinking.... geez..... she needs to stop her whining.   How silly. 

But!  The more I read.... I realized that I, too, can still remember the names of the boys who called me "ugly" at the bus stop.  I, too, can remember being so "average" that I was never asked out on a date, I can remember not feeling "enough" for my first husband.... and even now... thinking I will never be thin enough, tan enough, or timid enough for my current husband.   

Apparently my insecurity can be traced waaaay back too.

 I think that most women .... if you dig deep, can relate to always having expectations put upon us that are juuuust out of reach.   The feeling of never living up to what we think we should be.

I'm trying to come to terms with being who I am despite what society says. I feel like that's almost impossible.  I think it will be a long journey.
I guess we're all in this together.    

learning

Chief Zuidema 

Last night I was presented a schnazzy certificate for completing the Lynchburg Police Department's Citizens' Police Academy.   (a sticker badge would have sufficed)  ;)
The academy was a seven session class that introduced average folks like me to the world of law enforcement.   
Greg had suggested that I take the class...and I invited some friends... so it became our "girls' night" over the course of six weeks. 
Honestly, It was great!   Each session was very informative and I grew my knowledge of law enforcement. 

Let's think back to my earlier knowledge of police:

Growing up.... zero interaction with the law.  My family has been pretty straight and narrow.   I knew cops were around "keeping people safe".   I participated in the DARE program as a kid.   I assume some cop taught me the dangers of drug use.    Police were not on my mind.

As a young adult.... watching shows like CSI, knowing everything is dramatized for TV...being especially irritated that the TV investigators never turned on lights, and found all of their evidence through the light of a flashlight.

As a young married person... hearing stories of real life "bad cops" in Colorado, surrounding the criminal case of Thayer's father.    Always knowing that most police are good.  But there are some shady ones as well.   Even at that point.... police.... not on my mind.

As a widow....That one speeding ticket I got at the NC/VA border.... That trooper was on my mind.   But the ticket was deserved and the trooper was typical.

For the first 39 years of my life there is a chance I could have been in a room full of police officers and not batted an eye.   I have no draw to men in uniform.  I am the opposite of what they may call a "badge bunny".     I knew I respected authority but my radar for policemen was nil.

Then, BAM, out of the blue... this hunky guy I started to date was a cop.    As I started to learn about him, I started to learn about his career.    I was able to hear candidly about his job, and start to appreciate what it takes to be in law enforcement in such a time as this. 
I was able to do several ride-alongs while he was out on the streets.    Those times were EYE OPENING!    For an average person like me.... it showed me an entirely different part of society that I don't see from my safe little bubble. 
Y'all!!!... people in the general public are CRAZY.   Drunk, violent, crazy!   The crap that cops deal with every shift of every day would blow your mind.     Police are trained to uphold the law.... but I was surprised to see how police have to be excellent communicators, listeners and problem solvers.     The split second decisions and thinking on their feet is beyond taxing.   Someone clearly has to be called to such a profession.     
Even though Greg is currently off of the street.... I can see how his time and experiences over the past 22 years have shaped him.   It is not the kind of job that you leave at the end of the day. 

Jump back to the Citizens' Police Academy:
It was a treat to hear from Greg's police family during the class sessions.  I was able to add detail to what Greg had already shared with me, and gain much deeper insight into all aspects of what makes a police department run.   The topics were on point and very relevant.  It's the kind of stuff I wish everyone could hear and appreciate.   

My appreciation for law enforcement has grown exponentially in just the past few years.   Now... police are on my radar... all of the time.   They are my heroes.   💗

The Citizens' Police Academy is a great resource for people who love the police, who appreciate the police,who are curious about the police, who are fearful of the police, who doubt the police, who support the police, who live near police, who eat in restaurants with police, who share the roads with police, who share air with police.
I highly recommend this class to all citizens when it rolls around again. 

The Citizens' Police Academy is offered for Lynchburg and surrounding residents.  Keep your eyes peeled for the next enrollment!

Citizens' Police Academy graduates April 18,2019

changing seasons

The change of seasons.   The changes in life.
Sometimes so slowly we don't notice.  Sometimes so abruptly that it uproots us.

This week could have been my 20th wedding anniversary.   How bizarre to consider it when life has shifted in different directions. 
All of these years later.  We are good. This is where we are supposed to be. 

But... we had heard that the milestones would be hard. 

We received Daniel's graduation invitations in the mail recently and something crept up on me. 
No father here to witness and celebrate. 
I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years.
I have yet to ask Daniel if he feels the same.... if he is acutely aware of Thayer's absence during this milestone moment. 
He seems fine.  He seems unemotional as usual.    Which makes me wonder if some of his aloof shell has to do with his father being gone all of this time.   How much has this loss really shaped him?   How much counseling will he need after being mothered by me?  haha

We are who we are.  Our life experiences have shaped us for better and worse. 
Seasons change, life changes. 
Somehow seasons are more predictable.   I noticed the red buds blooming this week and wondered about the tree we planted in honor of Thayer.   At the "old" house now. 
Sure enough... it IS blooming. 
Some things never change.  Yet little remains the same.

photo credit: Lisa Tibbs
4/9/19

legacy

I recently attended a funeral where the pastor paused and allowed folks to share stories about their loved one.    A woman in the audience stood and declared, "She loved Jesus."   It was said with certainty and without hesitation.   

The memorial service brought a Casting Crowns song to mind;
Only Jesus.

The chorus:

And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy I don’t care if they remember me Only Jesus And I, I’ve only got one life to live I’ll let every second point to Him Only Jesus

The thing is, I didn't know the gal who had died.   But I now know that she loved Jesus.   And that's the most important thing. 
It got me thinking.... what will folks say at my funeral?  Do I live in such a way that people will stand and say, "she loved Jesus".  ? 

Greg and I are currently participating in a small group study on the book Radical by David Platt.    It has been good.... and very challenging.    It has drummed up serious questions about my faith, what I believe of  Jesus' teachings.
Are my priorities in check with what I believe to be true?
Do I live in a way that my time and talents point to Jesus? 
Am I openhandedly giving of myself and my resources?   (Deuteronomy 15:7-11)
Do I live, and give, without fear of the future?

I've been encouraged to figure this stuff out. 
I have a LONG way to go.... but I hope I'm traveling in the right direction.
Because in the end.... it's all about Jesus.

(odd video.... but the minimalist in me loved the picture of how all of the stuff is not important.   It will all pass away.  )

All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won

Will crumble into dust when it’s said and done

‘Cause all that really matters

Was my life the proof that there is only One 

Did I live the truth to the ones I love

Whose name will last forever 

for the single people

My mind keeps backtracking to the Valentine's day broadcast of our local Christian radio station.   The hosts, and (I think) a pastor, were speaking encouragement to all of the single people who are waiting for a spouse.     I listened briefly and determined that they weren't particularly encouraging single people.... but more so expressing to single people that one of their priorities is to find a spouse. The more they talked, I felt that they were saying, "Don't worry.  just wait it out until God brings you that person that will complete you.  Keep praying for that perfect person to come along.  Marriage will be the answer to your loneliness."

And I get that.  I think that most people DO desire to have companionship that marriage provides.   But I think that we are failing as a church body, when even our radio stations are preaching to the masses that marriage is the answer, and that you aren't whole until you find a spouse.

The truth is that there are tons of wonderful, godly people that won't ever have a spouse. For whatever reason, God wants them to remain single.    And that's okay!!     I'm no Bible scholar but I know that Paul talks about singleness somewhere in Corinthians.  

Lo and behold.... a quick Google search shows me that Paul encouraged singleness!!   (He writes about good relationship stuff in 1Corinthians 7: 1-40)     He basically says (loosely paraphrased):   

-Remain single  (unless you don't have self control).   

-If you're free from a wife... don't seek one.   

-Those who marry have worldly troubles...   Unmarried people can focus on God and what pleases the Lord. 

-He who marries does well, but he who refrains from marriage does even better.

-Widows can re-marry... but they are happier if they don't.

I consider myself to have a unique perspective on this married/single thing.   (In case you missed it: I was married, widowed, and remarried)  

I know before my first marriage, I desired a husband.  I never really dated and I was blessed when God dropped Thayer from the sky for me.  I was married at 21  and proceeded to follow the plan that every little Jesus girl follows.  Marriage, kids, happy homemaker.

My world was obviously crushed when Thayer died.   I was a widowed solo parent.  I had an abrupt entry into the single world of the church.  It is dark and lonely there.  I am witness to that.   The church is highly guilty of idolizing marriage and families  (as it should be to an extent) but at the high cost of excluding those who don't fit the mold.

The first few years of widowhood I prayed and prayed for God to send me another husband, another dad for my boys.   After several years I dug in and considered a future on my own.    I surrounded myself with amazing friends and family.  My life was full.  I learned contentment in my situation.

Somehow Greg dropped in and I remarried.  Greg was a surprise from God and I am super thankful.   Wouldn't change this blessing for anything.  But at times, I still need to find my contentment in God alone.   Marriage is hard!

Whew!  All of this wordiness to say.....I have lived both realities and I can attest to the facts that being married is a GIFT!   And being single is a GIFT!   There are sooo many pro and cons to each situation.    I think the key is learning contentment in whatever boat God puts you in.
Single friends, enjoy it! Really, enjoy it!    Married folks, enjoy it!   

God can use us.  All of us.   Our worth is in Him alone.    Whoever he puts along your path....  be it a spouse, friends, family.... find contentment in knowing you are sons and daughters of God.   

You are loved.

dear friend,

We were connected by our single mom life.    Our Lifegroup was unique and a good support system as we muddled through our parenting.    I am thankful that you walked along the journey with me and the other girls that crossed our path.    You were a consistent face amongst the others that came and went. 
I enjoyed our individual chats as moms and our group activities with the kids.   
Looking back, I can honestly say that we were a fun group!   I have fond memories of our holiday frolicking, meals shared, games played…. especially the infamous kick-ball game!

Thank you so much for sharing your family with me.     It was neat to watch our kids grow together.
Thank you for entrusting me with your son for such lengthy periods of time.   I loved him like my own.  It was a privilege to care for him while your plate was so full.
Team Zack! 
Dare I mention how much fuller your plate became when the bones were broken!  Oops.

It was an honor to bear witness at your wedding and watch your little family grow.
 I have admired your own growth as you have gone through many ups and downs over the years.     It has not been easy and I have seen your faith grow as you are learning to lean in to God through the tough situations.   Keep at it.     God has big plans for you.

Though we don’t see each other often these days, I am thankful for the times that we get together.    
It’s been a blessing to have you, and your family, as a part of my journey!

 

dear friend,

We met when I was fresh out of community college.  I was ready to face the world of early education.   You were my first lead in the field, and you were an amazing mentor!    I considered you SO much older and wiser.  Haha.  I remember when we celebrated your 30^th birthday!

We went through several life changes during my three years at Elizabeth’s.     You were a great support during my early marriage and pregnancy.   And I was glad when you confided in me during some very dark moments.    
I look back, and have fond memories of our time in the Purple house! 

Deservingly, you became the boss.   You were a great boss!  I appreciated how you never lost touch with the classroom.      Your love for children and your love for your co-workers was evident. 

I’m so thankful that we have kept in touch over the years.    

After Thayer’s death, I remember how you would leave the kindest voice messages at my house.   Just checking in… no need to return the call.     You’ll never know how much those message meant to me.   You have always been such a support to me, even when you don’t realize it.    It’s the little things that mean so much!

It’s been great to watch God knit your little family together.   You have a talented husband and your boy is becoming a young man!

I look forward to our lunch dates and our catching up!   You always know the right questions to ask and you have always been one of my biggest cheerleaders.  Thank you for always being a bright spot in my life.  You are a blessing to me!