thoughts for a hot day

hot day.... ice cold water... refreshment.

Last year when I returned from Uganda, I think the most important revelation that I had was how thankful I was for clean, running water.    America is blessed, exceedingly.  

 I am currently reading Awake by Noel Brewer Yeatts.   And on this hot day, I'm reading a chapter about WATER!   Yep.   A reminder of our American wealth and the harsh reality of death and disease that plagues the rest of the world.   This particular passage caught my attention:

I don't like to simply focus on numbers, because each of these numbers represents a life and a story.  Numbers can also too easily seem overwhelming.  But some numbers are helpful- the numbers that show how easy it is a make a difference.

The worldwide water crisis could be solved with 20-30 billion dollars a year.  Yet Americans spend $16 billion each year on bottled water alone.

Americans also spend an average of $700 each at Christmas, which, with a population of a little over 300 million, works out to over $210 billion.  Even if we take the high estimate of $30 billion, if just half the population set aside $200 of their Christmas spending and put it toward the water crisis the problem could be solved!

Sometimes numbers make a lot of sense.

Did you flush your toilet today?  Just once?  You have already used more water than the average African has for an entire day- for drinking, cooking, cleaning, bathing, washing... everything.  Just one flush.

She goes on to say that our perspective of water is associated with swimming, fishing, fun.  

 Perhaps we need to change our perspective of water?

So today... when you have a glass of ice water, drink from a water bottle, go swimming.... or flush your toilet.   Remember that you are among the worlds wealthiest and healthiest.   

random...

Fathers Day came and went without much ado.   The boys said that they did not want to do anything special in memory of Thayer.   My mention of releasing balloons was shot down.... so we basically focused on my Dad/ their Papa.  
My Dad had spent the last two days at our house tending to the yard and building furniture with the boys.   He has been a great help with the guy stuff. :)

I tried not to be too down about the absence of Thayer yesterday but the lack of a father for my kids is pretty obvious on such a day.   I was doing okay until the pastor made a small remark about the importance of having a father in the home.   People always like to point out that children with a loving/active father in the home are 99.999999 times more likely to become productive members of society.  Or something along those lines.  :/
Those statistics that stack against my boys are always a mood killer.

On a cheerier note-
Yesterday afternoon we played kickball with our lifegroup.  It was confirmed that I am out of shape, afraid of airborne balls, and ultimately not too graceful when I fall.   I was concerned that I wouldn't be able to walk today, following my tumble, but only a hefty bruise and a slight soreness remains.

Today, something possessed me... well... maybe the reality that my boys are having a yard sale....made me suddenly motivated to clean out the junk side of our basement.   We went to purchase sturdy shelving so that I could get some of Thayer's tools a bit more organized.    When we got home the boys put the shelves together while I took a NAP!!    Unheard of!!   I am SO thankful that I have two aging kids that are capable of such tasks... completely on their own!  I'm so proud!
Upon waking... the kids insisted upon making their own dinner which consisted of Chef Boyardee, Cheetos, and Cream of Wheat.  I proceeded to make a bag of popcorn for myself.  (dinner of champions!)
I then dove-in to the basement cleaning/organizing.  
Four hours later, I am proud to say that the junk room looks amazing!!  I now have shelving full of things that I still don't have a clue as to what they are.  But atleast it's all displayed nicely :)
I also managed to drop Thayer's skimboard on my foot which will be a nice addition to my bruised knee.  ow!
While I was task oriented my boys managed to watch 5 straight hours of Myth Busters on Netflix.  I'm 99.9% sure that they learned alot about science.     
They might turn out better than expected ;)

pool

I have a confession to make.

I KNOW that for the past several years I have been a 'hater' of pool memberships.   I have never seen the cost benefit in joining a neighborhood pool.  I've done the math and it just didn't make sense for our family.    Basically, I decided that we would have to go to the pool somewhere between 42- 57 days during the summer to make it worthwhile.  And with the usual vacation, rainy days and weekends thrown in there... 57 days sounds absurd.

(if you're trying to figure out my math..... I calculated using a $400 membership... and used $7/day as a basic assumption.... since it would cost my boys and $7 to swim at the public pool.  And therefore you would have to go to a $400 pool 57 times to balance $7/ day.)

but anywho.  I'm not hatin' those of you who spend the money... because I'm sure that you will go 57 times this summer.   Especially now that I've done the math. ;)

Back to my confession....
 I just bought the 'family pass' to the local public pool.  It was only $90 in comparison to the $300-700 that others pay.... so I don't feel as bad as I should.    Also, I used the money that I was rewarded through my credit card's reward program.  So, technically it was free money and therefore our family pass was free....

whew.  guilt gone.

(We will need to go 12 times to make the pass worthwhile.  And we have already gone 4!  score!)

While I'm on the topic of the public pools, I'd like to give a shout out to our local pool. 
(I think it continues to have a bad rap among certain people in our community.   And I just don't get it. )
My family has enjoyed the pool for several years.    My boys have participated in swim lessons (which are very cheap, btw), and we have enjoyed the afternoon swim times.  I feel very fortunate/blessed to live in a community that offers such a great facility at super affordable prices.
Please think of supporting your local parks and recreation department by participating in various aquatic programs.    
Or... just pay a few bucks to come and sit by the pool with me this summer. 
We'll be there atleast 8 more times... I'm sure of it.

the dvds

I'm sitting here looking at a box of old camcorder tapes that I recently had transferred onto DVDs.   The DVDs are ready for viewing.   I'm super excited, totally glad to have them in easy-to-view format yet REALLY intimidated by the fact that I should probably, actually, watch them.
I was telling our barber lady that I know that I have a video of her giving Daniel his first hair cut.  And I know I will love to watch it. 
When I watch it.

I haven't seen any of our videos since Thayer died.  
Well... I did watch our wedding video on one of our anniversaries... and that went..... as to be expected.

So... our family videos.  I know they will be cute.  I know they will be funny.  I know that the kids will enjoy seeing themselves.
And I know I will cry.

Not that I even expect to see that much of Thayer in the videos.
(because you know how it goes... you fill 30 minutes of footage recording your first child's nap, or something equally exciting). 
I'm just pretty sure that seeing my little family from years ago will be emotional.  And especially whatever footage of Thayer.
And hearing his voice.
  gulp!

Tonight, I asked the kids if they wanted to throw in one of the DVDs. 
Daniel said "sure"... and I reached for the box. 
Lucas said "no".... and a stream of relief flooded over me.   
I knew that I'd be safe with another evening of Bear Grylls.

Those DVDs will sit here and taunt me until I just dive in one day soon.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Speaking of Bear Grylls.... I just read his bio and saw that his sons' names are Jesse, Marmaduke and Huckleberry.    Those. are. awesome.
:-)

it's beginning

Summer life has arrived.   (please, no mean comments about how much you hate me)
I enjoyed a super duper cabining trip with my friends this past weekend and jumped right in to 'summer' today with my boys.
We had grand plans to hit the local pool but we awoke to rain and cloudy skies.

Both boys asked to go to the barber shop!!! They are amazingly cute (as always)... but there is now a bonus of actually seeing their faces! :-)  

After their time at the barber shop we made a huge trek to walmart and target to stock up on food and supplies.  I intend to eat at home this summer.  Well, mostly at home.

With the pool on their minds all day, the boys convinced me to take them swimming at 3pm.   I managed to sit in my bathing suit, covered by a towel and watch my boys swim.... in the rain.  They had a blast.
Home for a dinner of Nachos and a few episodes of Man Vs. Wild.  
Off to bed early so I could appease my facebook and blogging addiction. 
All in all a great day.

on being 35

Well, it's safe to say that there was no drastic change between the ages of 34 and 35.  Today started off well great as my boys served me breakfast in bed and designed a chalk birthday wish in the driveway.  

The best gift was that they came up with these ideas on their own!  
I love having capable, creative kids!

I was also surprised by visits, phone calls, cards, and fun phone messages.  Thanks to everyone who made me feel loved on my birthday :)

Another birthday gift was watching Lucas finally having his cast removed.   The past six weeks have been long weeks.  He has missed field trips, family trips and pool parties.
Yesterday was the last day of school and I am SO glad that he can start summer off with two arms that can swim.
The cast removal was much worse than I had imagined.   His arm was very sore and creepy feeling from being immobile for so long.     Fortunately after my birthday dinner, and nice soak in the tub, he was feeling better.    His next goal will be to regain some muscle and movement in his arm.

Anywho.
Summer has officially begun!     There are no vacation plans on the calendar, but I am slowly adding various day trips to the mix and I'm looking forward to visiting with some friends near and far.

from the ashes

I was out with some of my 'widow friends' tonight.  (I know we should come up with a happier name for ourselves...and make t-shirts... or get matching tattoos... or something...)
We attempt to get together every month, and usually the attendees vary by month.
Tonight, five of us managed to stroll around downtown and discover some new places. 

On the way home, I was trying to wrap my head around our little group.    I was feeling blessed in the fact that God has placed each of these women in my life.  
We are an eclectic group. 
I'm sure they would all agree that we never would have met each other if our husbands were still living.
God brought us together through terrible circumstances.  Yet my life if richer and blessed through these women.    Several of them have become staples in my life.

Dare I say that this is something good that has come from death?

I remember when Thayer died, I told myself that God would make something good come out of it all.  I had no idea how He was going to pull that off.  Because nothing can be good about losing a husband and father.

I know that as time passes and as good things, and blessings, unfold in our lives it will be hard to process.  
Having Thayer here and alive sounds like the best possible scenario.  But since that's not happening... I need to lean on the fact that God does have a plan for us.    I want to notice... and be encouraged... when I see God working in the little details of our lives.

Tonight I am thankful for the friendships that have sprung from the ashes...

death sucks

There is death everywhere these days.  If it's not people getting executed or people having their face chewed off... then it's the dozens of people who have lost their lives in vehicle accidents...in just a matter of months. 
Every day there are more news articles about fatal accidents in our area.
Today I read articles online of a motorcyclist who died a couple of miles from my home.  And I also read about the death of a tanker truck driver...and realized that he used to be in youth group with me.  He leaves behind a wife and two children.

It's sounding too familiar.
I'm heartbroken for all of the families who have had to bury loved ones over the past few months.

I did a little facebook stalking and found the homepage of the new widow. (geez. what a horrible thing to be known as...  'the new widow').  I was able to read the condolences of her friends.
(yes... I know that you're thinking about how creepy I am....reading about strangers on facebook.... but you've got to admit that you do it too!!)

anywho.
If I had a dollar for everyone that typed, "if there is anything we can do, please let us know." Or, "if you need anything please call."

Alright people.  I know that you mean well.... but don't say this to people who have just suffered tragedy.  This means NOTHING to people who are trying to scrape themselves off of the floor upon learning that their world is completely shattered.

Honestly... I don't remember any of the people who said "if there is anything I can do..." after Thayer died.
But I DO remember the people that just did it.  Well... maybe I don't really remember everyone.    But I know that people stepped in and did things.  Some faces I remember... like the faces of my family and friends who hung out at the house and kept things in order.   I know that there was also a ton of stuff done around here that I am still unaware.   I'm just really thankful for the people who DID.

Show up weeks later when everyone has gone back to their lives.  cut the grass.  clean the house.   send giftcards.  do laundry.  take the kids out for the day.   Bring dinner... and stay to share the meal. Call to check in. Send snail mail.
Don't just offer to help.  Be creative and DO it.
People who are grieving don't know how they will get out of bed each day... much less know what they 'need'.

Of course, even having gone through the unimaginable... I'm still at a loss at how to help those who grieve.    I think the most important thing that you can do is to be present with a listening ear.

Bring on the summer!

This past weekend has been a taste of what summer could be like around our house.   The house remained 'clean' after I hosted a ladies night... so I didn't need to spend the weekend cleaning!   The boys were 'around' and things were really laid back.   At one point, I looked around the house... realized that I didn't have anything to do.... and went outside to read!!  That is unheard of!

I have told the kids that if we simply put away something after we use it, the house would remain fairly 'picked-up' and I won't have to spend alot of time piddling around this summer.    A nice idea, in theory.

I am officially done with work for the summer.   I realize that I am out of work for THREE months.  A huge blessings, I know. 
I am psyched!
We don't have any vacation plans this year but I am hoping to be involved with the kids alot here at home.   I have high hopes to take them camping, ride bikes, take them to the skatepark and to the city pool.   We have also decided to have game night as often as possible.
We started a game of Dino-Opoly last night. I expected it to be drawn out over a period of several weeks.... but we finished it tonight when I went bankrupt and Daniel had a pile of cash the size of my head.  Tomorrow night, we start the Game of Life.  That should be interesting.

I am looking forward to our family time this summer.    Bring it on!

camping

We went camping this past weekend.    It was the first 'single mom' attempt at such an event.    I have been camping before, several times, but always with a larger group... or with Thayer.   I've never had to be in charge of myself and my kids, on my own.  
(And...I  never had to do any of the work.  I was famous for planting my chair... and sitting in it.)

Thankfully my friend, Lyn, is the mama of all camping and she managed to pack her knowledge and expertise.  She still did most of the fire/cooking work, as she was up with the sun-  cookin' up a nice breakfast.     And I'm thankful that she knew the basic survival skills of being in a public campground.
(I took lots of mental notes for future trips!)

After my initial temper tantrum while setting up the tent, I tend to think that I really enjoyed myself.   The most important thing is that the boys had a BLAST!!     The entire way home, Lucas kept saying, "this is something we should do more often" and "when can we go again?"
Seeing as we don't have an official vacation this year, I'm hoping we can spend some time camping. 
I seem very excited about it now.... but ask me again when it gets really hot and muggy.   Not sure how well I'll handle those really hot days in the wilderness... but I'm willing to sacrifice some of my vanity for creating memories with my boys.

thanksgiving and prayer

I'm currently reading one thousand gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are,by Ann Voskamp.  I was told that it was a wonderful book.  And so far, I've enjoyed it.  I'm on page 117 and I'm waiting for the 'aha' moment.   So far, I can see that she is really thankful, has found the joy in being thankful in all circumstances.... and she uses a ton of super descriptive words to describe her surroundings and her thankfulness.   She is really good at putting pen to paper and bringing life to the mundane.   Page after page, repetition of those thoughts.  I'm kinda waiting for what she's gettin' at.  Perhaps I'm missing something profound?

So far... this book hasn't shed any amazing light on any particular thing I am lacking in my life.  (other than the fact that I could really work on my descriptive writing)

When I stop to think about my daily thanksgiving.... I've decided that I'm doing a good job of being thankful.  Of course, I'm sure that I overlook a zillion things each day, but overall... I tend to be a 'glass half full' kind of person.   I feel that I am in constant chit chat with God and I often look for things to be thankful for, even in crappy situations.  

This book, as well as a sermon series at church (well... the one sermon I heard), has made me question my prayer life as well.   I'm totally not the best at 'sit down, bow your head' kind of prayer. And I'm totally not good at 'public' prayers.... because I don't say 'father God" after every two words.  (but that's another soapbox of mine)
I feel that I chat with God throughout the day.  He knows my thoughts, after all.  

After Lucas broke his arm, I wondered if I had prayed through that situation correctly.    I prayed over Lucas on the way to the hospital... but honestly... once we got there.... I forgot all about praying.  We were just going through the motions of hospital stuff.
Upon returning home...I thought to myself that a "good Christian" would have prayed through it all.  Prayed over the hospital bed, prayed over the doctors, etc.  
Eh.  I didn't.   Yet somehow, Lucas still received good care.
I feel that my single prayer covered what needed to be said.  right?  God knew the desires of my heart.

But then I think about my friend who prayed and prayed over her husband... and he died.    God answered her prayer... but not the way she had desired. 

so... prayer, in general??
God's got the plan.  He has our days numbered.  nothing is a surprise to him,etc, etc.
So why are so many of our prayers worded in ways that we think God will change His mind or change an outcome?  Isn't He just gonna do what was planned all along? 

We often pray for "God's will be done".  But do we realize how powerful that statement is? 

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

In other words.... buckle up, hold on.
And Be thankful...for this is God's will....

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Andrew Peterson

Many of you know how much I appreciate the lyrical genius of Andrew Peterson.    I respect him as an artist and I super respect him as an individual.  Many of you know that he came and sang at Thayer's memorial service... and that gesture alone put Andrew on my favorite person list. 

For the past few months, or maybe longer, I have been on a hiatus from AP's music.  I've shuffled from the "christian" radio, to the "80s, 90s and today" radio, and briefly to the "Top 40" radio... until I realized that the Top 40 stuff just made me feel dumber and emptier.    These popular songs are real catchy but the lyrics are lame.     Most of those songs have the same few lines that they repeat over and over.

The music itself is what sells the song... I get that.  And there are plenty of catchy tunes that I like.   Don't get me wrong... i'm not trashing various types of music... i'm just trashing lame lyrics.

I've realized- through my musical wanderings- that I am totally a lyric person.  I don't need flashy, crazy music to 'get down' in my car.    I just want to know what I'm singing about.

This brings me back to my fascination with Andrew Peterson's music.    The thing is... you either really like his music... or you really don't.    
(AP's music puts my sister to sleep... and my kids often request Andrew Peterson CDs, on car trips when they want to take a nap. )
I think AP is classified as a 'folk' artist..... so that automatically puts him in a box of 'mellow'.   I wouldn't necessarily call him 'folk'... but I guess he fits there. 
Either way... I love Andrew Peterson's music.   Everything about it.  But most importantly the lyrics.

I have tried to picture God calling down...through whisper, or scream, or whatever means... and putting the lyrics into Andrew's heart and pen.   So many of his lyrics are God breathed... in fact, I believe that all music is God breathed... but I think that Andrew must have a more direct line than others.  :)
Andrew has recorded a zillion albums, all of which I could listen to over and over, and never be bored.    All of his songs, in some way or another mirror the cries of my heart.  I can sing these songs and be able to express myself to God, through the lyrics.    So often APs songs have given me the words that I am unable to muster on my own.    Andrew Peterson, unknowingly, has been with me through raising young children, through marital problems, through working, through traveling, through Thayer's death, and currently as I try to keep this little family afloat.   God uses AP's songs to speak to me directly... and allow me to commune with Him on a deeper level.

I am so thankful for music, for lyrics, and for the Creator who uses regular old people to impact other people in  BIG ways.
If you haven't experienced Andrew Peterson yet....  He is currently working on a new record.  (so excited!)  
And did I mention that he is an author as well?!     Please check him out at:
www.Andrew-Peterson.com  or on facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/#!/andrewpetersonmusic

hard knock life

Lucas has been a mess since breaking his arm.  He was calm and content while he was on the pain medication.    He seems content when he is engrossed in computer games or  Netflix... but when he is left alone with his cast, I can tell that he is STIR CRAZY!

(He had xrays yesterday and they put on a full-arm bright green cast.    Xrays again in a week to see if the bones are staying as planned.)

He was a sad dude a few days ago when he had convinced himself that he shouldn't go to his best friend's birthday party.   He didn't want to 'ruin the party' for his buddy.   Lucas is very conscious of all of the things that he can't do with the cast.   (And he is pretty accurate in his conclusions.   He pretty much can't do anything he would normally enjoy doing.)

After getting his cast, yesterday, I convinced him that it would be fine for him to have a sleepover with his friend  (he was the only boy invited to spend the night) and attend the birthday party on the following day.   He was SO excited.  He planned a great 'gag' gift that he is really excited about giving and he talked about how amazing the sleepover was going to be.

He blew it.
My parents are keeping him so that Daniel and I can go on a field trip tomorrow.  And he lost it.  He threw a tantrum about taking a bath, yelled and screamed at my parents and refused to cooperate.     My parents mentioned that he would be unable to attend the sleepover if his terrible behavior continued.
I was called.  I arrived on scene... and it continued.
so... I had to be the responsible Mom and follow through with the consequences.

My heart is broken for Lucas' best friend... who was counting on having a sleepover with just the two of them.   My heart is broken for Lucas because I know that this punishment stings.  I really hope that this will be a great learning moment for him.    He will not treat his grandparents that way again.

To top off my evening... my Dad mentioned that he asked Lucas, "what would your Dad say about your behavior?".
Well, you know what?  If  his Dad were here..... he wouldn't have said anything about the situation.... because it wouldn't have been happening!
If his Dad were here... his Grandparents wouldn't have needed to kid-sit tonight.
If his Dad were here... alot of things would be different.

But since his Dad is not here.... I simply pray that tomorrow will be better.

Damn that cast.

ouch

Lucas broke his arm on Wednesday.

He was skateboarding and fell while grinding on a rail.
He was skiing, at Snowflex, and landed wrong.
He lost footing and fell out of a tree.
He fell off of the shed roof.
He crashed his bike coming down the big hill on our street.
Nope.  Those would have been too predictable.

He fell off of the monkey bars at school.

For those of you who like details.... (but basically for my own journaling purposes):
School called around 1:30pm
I arrived at school around 1:40pm
ambulance arrived and put Lucas' greatly disfigured arm in a splint and informed me that I could go to an 'urgent care' center to avoid some time at the ER.  (supposedly, they do x-rays and then send people to ortho)
hah.
The 'urgent care' people quickly dismissed us as the nurse whispered to me that 'he's going to need surgery'.
Arrived at the ER at 3pm.
Asked for pain medicine and was assured that they would administer it as soon as we were called back.
My Dad came to sit with us.
Finally called back at 6pm.
Pain medicine delayed because 'we should get to x-ray right away'.
Lucas indeed broke his arm. Both the radius and the ulna bones.
X-ray technician says "I'm not a doctor, but this looks like he may need surgery".
Ortho doctor called in.
Pain medicine delayed because they needed to put in the IV.
IV put in.  (and not very effectively, I might add)
Lucas was moved to another room (a 'major bay') and they prepped him for "conscious sedation" (meds that would make him sleepy and unaware)
Nurse had mixed pain medicine but never used it because they were getting ready to do the sedation.
The doc arrived.  He and the tech played 'tug of war' on his arm by pushing and pulling the bones back in to place.  Eww.
They took an x-ray and then had to pull some more.
When the doc felt pleased with the placement, they put on a splint.
Lucas had to wait an hour for the meds to wear off before he could be released.

After picking up pain medicine from the pharmacy, (finally some relief!), we got home from the ER at 11pm.

We missed the 4th grade field trip to Jamestown.  AND we missed a day at Kings Dominion with friends.   Huge bummer for Lucas. (and me!)

He goes back to Orthopaedic doc on wednesday for x-rays.  Hopefully everything will still be in the correct position.
Lord willing, and if the creek don't rise.... he'll be healed and ready for the Snowflex camp in june.

He has been such a trooper through all of this.   That first day was a l o n g day and he was so patient and brave.  I know that he was in so much pain.... but he really powered through it.
The rest of the week, he has been watching entirely too much tv and playing entirely too many computer games.

Back to school and work tomorrow....

don't judge

That's right folks.  Don't judge me by the length of my kids' hair.

It's taken me a long time to accept it.  But my kids are growing their hair out.  And I have to be okay with that.
In fact, up until late this week.... I think it has bugged me.  I think I automatically assumed that other people would think my kids are scraggly monsters.   And then, in turn, judge my parenting. 

Ah, yes, the mother of those shaggy boys.

For months, I have found myself acknowledging their long hair to other people.  (especially to the 'clean cut' crowd)
I'm sure if you have encountered me in the last few months, you have heard these words:
"Yes, I know their hair is getting so shaggy."
"It's just not a battle I'm willing to fight."
And
"I'm really hoping that once summer comes, it'll be so hot... they'll want to get it cut."
I have said those sentences over and over and over.   (all true, by the way)

But why announce these things?

I was basically trying to convince myself that my boys are not heathens.

In fact, they are not heathens.   They are wonderful, creative, cool kids.
I know plenty of long haired people that are not heathens.   (so I'm not even sure why I have created this stereotype in my head. )

It's just that I prefer boys with short hair... and it has taken me a long time to accept that my kids might not fit into the box that I'd like to keep them in.
When they were younger... it was easy to make them conform to my preferences.    I dressed them the way that I liked and I had the barber cut their hair really nice.
Then.... my kids learned to talk.  And they had opinions.
And it was downhill from there.

Hair is totally not a big deal.  I've always said that I wouldn't stress about my kids hair.  I'm sure that they will have a million hairstyles over their lifetime.
And if 9 and 11 year olds wanna trip over their hair at the skate park, so be it.

Just remember that under those lovely locks.... there are two amazing kids who are becoming quite interesting young men. 

13th anniversary

Today would be our 13th wedding anniversary.
My friend, Jamie, sent a text to acknowledge the day.  And my mom sent a lovely email as well.   I was thankful and delighted that someone, other than me, remembers such occasions.
Anniversaries are hard enough to remember.... and I really don't expect an anniversary, that isn't an anniversary anymore, to be on the top of anyone's calendars.
So thanks Jamie and Mom :-)

I mentioned the anniversary to my kids.   I predicted that if Thayer were alive, we would probably go out to dinner and a movie, or something equally amazing.   Lucas seemed grossed out at the possibility.  Funny how the little ones perceive 'dates'.   

Luckily, I didn't have time to wallow in what isn't.  
We were in Richmond visiting our marvelous friends and the day was full of activity.  well....sitting, reading and eating.... if that is considered "activity" ;p

We decided to drive home after dinner tonight.  
I'm pretty convinced that my GPS is hormonal and tends to make directions up as she goes.  (She being the British woman that tells me where to drive).
Tonight, she decided to take us on the back roads.  The kind of roads that Jamie and I refer to as the "sleepy hollow" roads.   I LOVE these kinda trips.   So instead of questioning the sanity of my GPS, I rolled with it.
We had a beautiful evening ride through the country.   My boys talked the entire ride.... which I was THRILLED about.  I have learned to turn the radio off.... and since I'm not singing.... they actually talk about stuff.  
We talked about Thayer.  We talked about what they did with their friends in  Richmond.  We talked about video games (yawn).  We talked about traveling and moving, and movies.  
And then Daniel and I spent alot of time listening to Lucas explain many of his 'inventions'.  That kid has a VERY vivid imagination.  
Great ending to our trip and our day.
And I couldn't think of a better way to spend my anniversary.
(well except of course if Thayer were actually here to celebrate....)

But otherwise... it was a great day :-)

those lil' addictions... (no. 1)

Ah.  Easter.  A day of Jesus.  A day of family.  A day of feast.

Today I was telling my bro-in-law that I was planning to blog about how I haven't had soda in over a month.  
I was telling him this as I was enjoying a Dr. Pepper.

Yes, folks, I have quit the sodas....but since Jesus conquered death for me... I decided to celebrate with a sugar fest and a soda.
that's logical, right?

But seriously, I quit drinking sodas the first weekend of March.   And my life has changed.
literally.
I haven't dropped the weight that most men seem to lose when they lay off of the drinks.  In fact, I think I've gained 5 pounds because the lack of sugary drinks has made me crave other sweets that I normally could have passed over. 
go figure.
(The issue of my weight is entirely another post that I'll save for another day.  Stay tuned...)

Anywho.  For today... How the lack of sodas has changed my life:

First of all, every six months to a year, I tend to think...... "yep, this is what it feels like to be normal.  I think I'm finally pulling myself together and regaining normalcy after Thayer's death".  
I probably started feeling 'normal' around the 2 year mark.... but then I was really feeling normal sometime after that.   And then months after that.... I was really, really feeling like I was getting there.  And on it goes.   Every once in a while, I think to myself that I have reached what life is 'supposed' to be like.   Somehow I taste just a bit of what day to day life was like before our family fell apart.

But this past month.... I really may have achieved some bit of sanity that I had before thayer's death.  And I think it came about by quitting sodas.
I was addicted.   Not even buying sodas for my home or drinking them by the case.  I was simply a social drinker.   Out with friends for lunch (which happens to be every day).... I would order a soda and get several refills.    The caffeine kept me going.
I have found out that this simple addiction to a daily dose of caffeine was contributing to my really late night hours at home.   And since I was up so late... I was lonely.   I was becoming addicted to needing people.   I was constantly surrounding myself with people and constantly keeping up with everyone else's business via email and facebook.
(And of course, I am super thankful for all of my friends who have kept me company over the past three years.  I wouldn't change a thing about all of that.)
But now... without that caffeine.... I go to bed!  EARLY.   I sleep a solid 8 hours each night and I feel like I'm finally catching up with what 'normal' people do.
(I still get sleepy during 'chapel time' at preschool.... but that's just gonna happen in said circumstance)

I'm feeling rested and my patience with my children is becoming phenomenal.    Far from perfect... but our house has been a very happy home for a few weeks in a row.  (which is rare).
 I like to think it is because I stopped drinking sodas!   And because Jesus is working in my heart :)

Currently, I am challenging myself to 'let go' of my computer.   I am limiting my computer usage to- checking email and facebook- once in the morning and once at night.
This has enabled me to actually spend time with my kids....

One thing at a time.   And so far, so good!

a mixture

ah.  a quick trip to Ruckersville tonight to attend a fundraiser chili cook-off for ABRO.     This is the second year for the cook-off... and our second year of attendance.

 I knew that when I left the event last year, that I was emotionally exhausted.   And yep... I had blogged about it!!

This year, as I sat and looked around the room.... I saw so many faces from my 'former life', from when we lived in the c-ville area for three years.   I recognized so many people from our old church.    Many of them, I can call by name and many of them I just 'know their face'.  
Of course there were folks who knew me right away and greeted me with a warm hug.
A few people didn't really seem to remember me.  But that's totally understandable after almost 5 years.

But the thing is... there were certain people that I looked at, and saw Thayer.  
I saw our old pastor from across the room and instantly saw Thayer.   Thayer loved and admired that dude, and it was kinda difficult for me to confront him... so I made a mental plan:  to not make eye contact.
Funny thing is....as I'm sitting and thinking about all of this during the event... I look up and there is the pastor.... coming to say hello and to see how I was doing.   
Plan failed.
At that point, I blurted out my thoughts about how it was kinda hard to see people from what I considered my 'former life'.   (but also tried to explain that it was nice to see everyone!)
But...  Debbie Downer had killed that conversation and the pastor made a quick retreat.  
I probably could have handled that conversation a bit better. hah.

Then it was my turn to retreat to someone who has only known me in my 'current life'.   Kent, who I went to Uganda with, was there again this year...so I sat and chatted with him a bit.  I shared my thoughts from the evening and he listened graciously.
He turned my evening into a nice mix of former and current :)

(yeah, I know I sound like a moron talking about former and current lives.... but I'm hoping that widowed folks can relate!)

And of course!!   I don't want to leave out my wonderful friends who have stuck with me through both lives!  The WM clan are some of my most favorite people on the planet!   It is always a pleasure to spend time with them.   
The chili cook-off was a great success!   And we'll plan to go again next year.    It should get easier each year, right?

the Capital

I've been struggling with excess lately.
After visiting Africa, I was convicted of how just how excessive our society is. But then I got sucked right back into it all.
"When in Rome".... right?

a woman from the Capital

I have recently read the Hunger Games.  (haven't we all?)   And I totally understood the political thoughts behind it.  Here we are... in the Capital.... the ever expanding modern society.... the excessive, gluttonous, extremely entertained people of America.

And then there is the rest of the world.

Today, I perused aisles and aisles of pre-packaged food at Walmart, rows of lighted displays with enough food to feed SO many people.   So easily within my reach.  No effort to obtain it.  Just make a choice and put it in my cart.   Slide a plastic card at the check-out aisle and load up my car.  Simple.

My kids have been buying school lunches for several months now.  It has more recently come to my attention that they aren't eating the food.    It's just going in the trash can.  My Dad visited for lunch last week and witnessed most of the children in 4th and 5th grade throw out fresh apples and pears.  Uneaten, untouched fruit... thrown away.

I struggle with the excess in the simple fact that I love food, and showers, and my home.   I'm living the American dream.     My needs are easily met.

(side note:  I have come to be very thankful that we are blessed with running water.    I thank God daily for that extreme gift to our society.   I realize that there are so many on this planet who do not have that luxury.   We are spoiled.  And the water, I like.)

The thing is.... I want a new kitchen.  (Visitors to my home may think that I need a new kitchen.)
But it's not a need because my kitchen functions in all ways.  Sure, the floor is developing a hole in the vinyl... but everything else is doing what it's supposed to do.
So I'm stuck.

I justify the new kitchen in the fact that I plan to stay in my home.    And I justify a new kitchen in the fact that it needs to be spruced up in case I decide to sell. 
Either way, I'm thinking new kitchen.   But I want my decisions to be based on needs rather than wants. 
So I drag my feet.

I have SO much.... an excess.... and I don't want to lose sight of what's really important.

It's just so hard for the 'less is best' mentality when I'm surrounded by 'bigger is better'.

Friends... help keep me focused! please!

floating

I've been constructing blogs in my head.   Little events will trigger the thought, "oh.... I bet I could get a good blog out of this one".  Tonight, I sit with the time to write.... and I got nothin'.

Big Time Muscle- RC Camaro

Last night, my friends were over for their Tuesday night visit.  I suggested that my friend attempt to fix  Lucas' remote control car, that didn't quite turn right.  Within minutes, parts were spread all over the place and the engineer was in the fixin' mode.  

Everything was looking nifty until that teeny tiny spring was lost. 
The lost spring made for a few giggles until I realized that the car was, in fact, NOT Lucas' broken car!!..... it was Daniel's car... one that worked perfectly!
Oops.   BIG oops.
I dug out Lucas' broken car in hopes that his spring could be used to fix Daniel's car which was now broken.
Somehow Daniel's car became more broken when a wire became disconnected.  
The thought occurred to switch some parts from car to car.
I lost track of the switching.  There seemed to be alot of switching.

Big Time Muscle- RC corvette stingray

But it turns out that you can't switch frames with a Camaro and a Corvette. 
Go figure.


I jokingly said that I would relay this story into a spiritual blog about how we try to fix things that aren't broken in the first place.  We often tamper with things that God has already done right.    

But that's all I can come up with.  No fancy blog.  No deep thoughts.  Just a story about a jacked up car.

My brain must be working on the surface this week....