the good of it

We have a young friend who just returned home after three weeks in the hospital after a long and iffy illness.   During that time we had the privilege to host his brother, Matthew, in our home.   I planned to keep him indefinitely while his brother was hospitalized.

As if one brother in the hospital wasn't adequate, Matthew managed to break his arm while skateboarding at my house, which led to an overnight hospital stay and a new blue cast.

The whole thought of hospitals, sick kids, broken kids and misplaced families.... and you wonder what in the world was God thinking?  How can anything good come from this undue stress on one particular family?

I'm not sure that my friend, who is in the midst of this medical mess, can see the good at this point in time.  But I want to assure her that God has used her family's medical crisis to shine little rays of sunshine to people around them.

Personally, I had no idea how much I would enjoy sharing our home with Matthew.   Sure, we had some moments where I dealt with teenage mouthiness, and had heated discussions about personal hygiene... :).... but overall, by the end of his stay, I was treating Matthew just like one of my boys.  
The four of us, Me vs. Teens: came to an understanding rather quickly and developed a nice routine for our days.

The plus of having Matthew in our home was that I was encouraged to pray with the boys every night.   (Sadly...Daniel, Lucas and I had fallen out of this routine)   But having Matthew at our house reminded me that we HAD to pray for his brother, daily.   no excuses.
 I enjoyed sitting with the boys at night and talking.
Our prayer routine is back.   And I am thankful.

I am also thankful for a developing relationship with Matthew's family.     He, his mother, and siblings have been been attending our church LifeGroup for quite a while.  And it hasn't been until now that I feel a deeper connection to them.      We were able to live LIFE together over the past few weeks.   The good and the bad. That's what LifeGroup is supposed to be about!   I hope that we can stand alongside each other more and more as time passes.
I love our little community!

I have also witnessed the hands and feet of Jesus through the people who have helped out and supported their family through it all.   It has been an encouragement to see people in action, and in prayer, for their family.

As of today, the family is back home together.  Such a blessing.
Please continue to pray for Matthew's brother, Zack, while he is recuperating at home.

p.s. I kinda miss Matthew :)

mother-son outing

Lucas has chosen an exciting topic for his science fair project.    He is gathering information to determine if people live longer these days.    He is hypothesizing that we live longer than folks from long ago.  
To gather evidence, he and I hit two local cemeteries to record birth and death dates.

I was stoked.     I've always kinda liked cemeteries.   They are quiet and peaceful.     Cemeteries are also very popular destinations.  People are dying to get in.

(and yes, I told that joke to Lucas several times today.)

Call us morbid, (and perhaps our last names is Addams), but some of my own childhood memories (the few that I have) are based in a cemetery.    We didn't think it odd when our family picnicked at the local cemetery.... or when I learned to drive on those little narrow roads.

This afternoon, Lucas and I  headed out for a beautiful sunny afternoon in search of 150 birth-death dates, from three categories.  (death dates before 1900, 1900-2000, and after 2000.)  The last two categories were easy to find.  But the pre-1900 tombstones were rather curious.   It was the first time I had sought out specific grave information, and sadly many tombstones from before 1900 were corroded.    And many of them only included a death date.

I moseyed through the cemetery and Lucas plodded along with a clipboard, being very careful to hop over graves and avoid dead people at all costs.   He was rather hilarious.  I enjoyed teasing him when I saw clumps of mud or weird holes....I'd say, "Look! that's where someone came out!"

Oddly enough, it became serious to me when I started calling out dates to him.   I instantly felt compelled to read the name before I said the date.    The thought that, "these people need to be audibly remembered" crossed my mind.   So many of the graves had been neglected and forgotten.  It was the least that I could do... simply read their names out loud and recognize that they, too, had once lived.   Some of the dates represented short lives, and I momentarily grieved for their families.   And some of the folks had lived long lives.  I smiled over their dates.

And that's what we did for almost three hours.  
It was a productive, well spent, afternoon with my boy.  :)

on death

There is a buzz on Facebook about one of my childhood friends who died this week.   I'm pretty sure that I haven't seen him since middle school, as our middle school population was split between two high schools. He went one way, and I the other.
I can understand the sadness of my classmates.
I also recall small, random things, about Brian. Mostly, I remember his smile. I remember his potential.
But not much else.  (As most of you know.... my memory is utterly useless.)

With that said, my day-to-day has gone on as usual this week.

The thing that I'm most concerned about is that his death is just one more young person - gone too soon.   One more boy growing up without his father.  One more mother having to bury her son.
Everything about Brian's death sucks. Really sucks.

I suppose these things happen as we get older.   We should start expecting tragedy among our peers.  It is certain evidence of our fallen world.    
As we age, we can't avoid it.   Naivety is no longer an option.

I remember that I used to liken the effects of Thayer's death to falling abruptly off of a train.   I had fallen off and everyone else kept going.   And getting back on that train seemed impossible.

This week, I pray for Brian's people - those who were close to him.... who are suddenly standing still, watching the train whiz by.    That's a hard place to be.

Dear Barbara

Dear Barbara,
You silly girl.   You just asked me for advice.    That's rather humbling.... scary... and very humorous.

I am very touched that  you consider my opinion to be worthy of consideration.

So for what it's worth, here's my general life advice....(compiled just this evening)....
and it's a great reminder for myself as well!

1.  Support your husband.  Always.  Encourage him in his interests, love him well, and don't sweat the small stuff in the relationship.    Date him, often. 

After Thayer's death, I gained a vivid clarity of what a marriage should be like.   I knew instantly things that I would do differently if given another chance.   So do things right the first time!  Don't hold back.  

2. Let your kids take risks.  Let them learn through natural consequences... which will include failure.   Be honest with your kids about life.  Life is full of disappointments and heartache.  Don't shelter them from it.   Teach them to be brave and compassionate.   Introduce them to all kinds of people and new situations. 

They are individuals who will need to live, work, and be productive adults in a fallen world.   

Pray that they will be a light in the darkness.

3.  Say "NO".   

If you don't want to do something... say 'no'.  
It takes a while to master this.   But that one word will change your life!  
Keep some empty calendar squares-- and chances are-- they will fill up with things that you enjoy doing!  (instead of things you are obligated to do).

4. Nurture your friendships.  (By spending time with friends)

This is a biggie, but make this happen!    It is a time to re-energize, relax, and feel like a 'person' again.
It can be easy to get stuck in the mom role... but you are your own person too!  
 Once the kids are grown, or (heaven forbid) your husband dies, (or leaves you for a younger woman)....  your friends will be vital.  Don't isolate yourself.

Bonus: Netflix.
I threw this in here because Netflix has been a great asset to my happiness.
Choose a series and watch one episode each day.  you can do this, because you deserve it!

disclaimer:  I, in no way, claim to be an expert in advice giving.  I am a broken, imperfect person, with imperfect kids, in an imperfect environment.
But for what's it's worth.... I'm happy.  :)

content discontentment

I have been reveling in snow day excitement.
Don't get me wrong... I enjoy my job.  But I enjoy not going to my job more.
I have an idealistic dream that I can one day become a stay at home mom again.   Ha.  Not that I can birth any more babies.  But it would be cool to stay home and be house wifey.   Perhaps my future sugar daddy can let me fulfill my dream.

I am not one that enjoys to stay at home for long periods of time.  I usually have to go somewhere every day. 
With the thought of impending snow, I had to gear up for this week.   For days prior to the snow, we ran around, went shopping, went to the skate park, and ate out.  I knew I had to get activity out of my system or I would completely melt down with cabin fever.

It's been one full day at home.  I survived.   And I accomplished nothing.
(Well, I did balance my checkbook, only to realize that we probably shouldn't have run around so much this week). ha.

Overall, It was nice to have a day 'off' from everything, but I find it difficult to be content with doing nothing.  It's hard to just be still.   I am so very content with being at home, but not necessarily content with being at home.  (If you know what I mean.)

I've been learning "rest" for almost a year.   It was my 'one word' from last year.  And I'm still learning.  A lot of it has to do with me learning to be content with non-action.
I'll have another opportunity to practice this tomorrow....
right after we shovel the driveway...

because,really,  I need to get outta here!

hermit

Coming down from our winter tour as well as a recent Girls' weekend has been an adjustment.   This week we were blessed with 'snow' days and late days and many sleep late days.  
I feel like a slug.
The bathrooms need to be cleaned.      Not to mention that I just remembered that the Christmas tree is still decorated in the basement.     (The secret hopes that Lucas will take down the tree as easily as he put it up are dispelling.)
This week there have been moments in which I felt like a hermit.  Bedded down at night watching countless episodes on Netflix.  And when the episodes ran out I somehow managed to rediscover my old addiction to Facebook Scrabble and a new addiction to lego brick candy.
Hermit indeed.
I'll blame the weather.   for now.

The past month or so I have had a lack of  'committed' activities.   No life group, no ladies night, no widows group, no weekly agenda.  
And I realize that I LOVE it.

I have always been so busy planning activities and events that I am just now realizing how freeing it is to not be committed to so many people.
I know that  I thrive around people.   I have to have companionship.  I've always surrounded myself with people.
But the last month has been different somehow.    I've been around a TON of people... but not in a serious scheduled manner.
Is that the key?  Living on the fly?  being a free agent?

I've tasted a bit of what it's like to not be 'in charge' of activity.   I so often feel  like I'm holding the group together.... or always initiating activity with others.
And I'm slowly realizing that it is exhausting!
I'm learning to say 'no' and I'm slowly stepping back from responsibilities that I used to deem necessary.
I'm praying that I can continue to maintain those free calendar squares and be able to live in the moment more often.
I'm trying to convince myself to nurture the relationships that are important to me.  Because honestly, everything else is wasted energy.

Lord, help me to focus on my kids, my family and my friendships this year.    I pray that everything falls into place, according to your plans for us.  
And it would be kinda nice if I could go on a date this year too.  Amen.

the tour

On New year's eve, my friend Kim said, "This is going to be our year!"

And by golly, I'm claiming that!  

This is going to be MY year!

I am asking for big things... and I am going to expect big things!

We just landed back in reality after finishing up an awesome 'visiting tour' with friends.    The official Botham tour started last Saturday in Fredericksburg.   We visited one of my best friends and her family.    Her two kids entertained us and we enjoyed eating pizza, hanging out, shopping at Target and enjoying late night frozen yogurt.

We departed Fredericksburg and drove through cold nasty rain on I-95 to descend upon another favorite friend in Leesburg.   She was sans kids for the evening... so she and I did a lot of catching up while my kids played video games.   We went out for Mexican and then returned to watch Despicable Me 2.

We woke early on Monday morning and hit the road.

Our next stop was IKEA!!  We had the specific goal to pick out a dresser and night stand for each boy.    I figured that we would have room in the car for nightstands... but would probably need to ship the dressers.   We found the perfect furniture, and much to my ecstatic surprise... it ALL fit into our car!   This was the major accomplishment of our entire trip.   I am so proud.

Leaving IKEA we headed south to visit another life-long friend and her crazy boys, in Glen Allen.   Our four boys get together and cause a lot of chaos.  We always have a blast with them.   I feel like her home is my home-away-from- home.    We spent Monday and Tuesday with these folks and their friends.   On New Year's Eve we took the boys to Jumpology during the day and stayed up late to ring in the New Year.  Really late... like 1:30am!   If I recall.... the boys were outside on the trampoline shortly after midnight.   whew!

We slept in on New Year's day and slowly made our way to visit some of my absolute favorite people on the planet, who happen to live in  Ruckersville.    I spent part of the afternoon learning a new card game while the boys hung out.    We enjoyed a dinner with one of their friends.... a very nice man that they have been wanting me to meet.    swoon.   We hung out and played cards until it was time for the boys and I to move along.

We arrived later than planned, in Charlottesville, at the home of a wonderful couple that had traveled to Africa with me.   They are precious people with a 20 month old son.    My boys were quick to get to bed and I stayed up and chatted with my friends until almost 2am!    Thursday morning we awoke to a huge homemade breakfast of banana pancakes, sausage links, cheesy eggs and fresh fruit.     A bed and breakfast indeed!

Before heading home we visited with some of my other favorite people in Charlottesville.   It was so  nice to catch up with my friend and her daughter while the other family members were busy getting ready to host a concert in their basement!  I am always in awe at how cool their family is!

The boys and I finally headed home on Thursday afternoon.   The past six days had been a blast!   I would love to do something like this every year!  However... upon mentioning our 'tour'.... Lucas added, "it's the first and the last".   haha.

Those boys were ready to get home.   Thankfully we have a few days to recover before we get back to the grind of school and work.

I am so very thankful for my friends who opened their homes to us!  It was such a blessing to spend time with each of them!

a note to my single mom friends

Christmas morning.  12:50am

My precious friends,

I get it.  And I want you to know that you are not alone today.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that stayed up way too late, waiting for the kids to fall asleep... and therefore became a tired weepy mess.

I'm sure that I'm not the only one that couldn't stand another minute of "It's a Wonderful Life"... and decided to watch
 "P.S. I Love You" instead.  (Well... possibly I am.)

But I'm totally sure that I'm not the only one who cried while stuffing stockings.

I thought of you tonight.  Each of you.    

Some of you are spending your first Christmas without your husbands.... and my heart breaks into a million pieces for you.

Some of you can count the years without. (this is my sixth).  

And some of you have never had a husband to share the moments.

It sucks.

I'm not sure if it ever gets easier.   Each Christmas is different.   

I haven't always shed tears... but I've felt alone.

I know that our house will fill with family and laughter in the morning.   And everything will seem much better to me after a good night's sleep.   

I know that some of you may be alone for the day.   Please know that I will be thinking of you, and praying for you.

 P.S. I Love You,  had a great reminder for folks like us:

Alone or not, you gotta walk ahead.

Thing to remember is:

If we're all alone...

then we're all together in that too.

Thank you, ladies, for being together with me.

It's quite a journey.

Blessings to you and the kids today!

Merry Christmas!

'Tis the season

I've always thought that December was our 'slower' month.   And actually, it still is!
I have lots of empty squares on the calendar and there is no urgent need that is overwhelming me.  
(Other than some drama related with getting family pictures printed and ready to mail to out of town in-laws.)  But I checked that off the list today!

Despite the fact that I keep telling people that I'm not traveling to visit in-laws this Christmas.... I have started planning a 'visiting tour' that the boys and I plan to take during our school break.  
All of those out of town friends that I miss and neglect?  Well.... we're going to see them!  I'm hoping to visit with six families over a period of 4-6 days.  No pressure, right?
This will be an exciting adventure :)

I'm also slated to host our family Christmas lunch.   By 'host' I mean 'have at my house'.  That isn't any pressure except knowing that I'll need the bathroom cleaned in time for Christmas.  We'll all bring food and the kids will be thrilled to exchange their Pollyanna gifts with their cousins.

I find it interesting that this season I have been surrounded by friends who are really down.... and others who are really up.    I'm finding it hard to relate.
I feel like I'm just coasting in the middle these days.  I'm far from depressed... but I'm also far from elated.   Christmas just isn't the same without Thayer.   And each year tends to become more humdrum.   We go through the motions and have a good time.... but the season isn't fantabulous.  
Perhaps that comes along with having older children.  
It's still good.  But different.

The highlight of the season is my Christmas break!  We only have five more days of school and work.  Then I can enjoy several days of sleeping in!  My favorite!
The countdown begins!

day 30

November 30:  The last official day of our thankfulness challenge.

photo courtesy of Daniel

 I am thankful that the boys and I got 'out and about' today.

A trip to the library, Walmart, and the Skate park.

A great way to spend our last free day of Thankgiving break.

I'm thankful that God painted another pretty sky for us 

as we were on the road.

day 29

November 29:

I'm thankful that Lucas put up, 

and decorated, 

our Christmas tree today!!

He's always happy to decorate for holidays....  

I love his happy, helpful moments.

day 28

November 28:  Thanksgiving day

Apart from the usual Thanksgiving things... family and friends...

Today I am thankful for an afternoon at home.   

A chance to regroup, tidy up, wash clothes, vacuum, 

and prepare myself for the Christmas season to come.

I am so very thankful for a long weekend!

day 27

November 27:

I'm thankful for totally random memories.

I have finally looked through two boxes of crap that had been stashed away at my parent's house.

It seems that I was more sentimental in my younger years.

Thankfully it was easy to sort through the trash and pile up a few things to give away.

I'm thankful that I was reminded of the great pen pals I had after high school.   

The art of letter writing has subsided.  I miss that.

Lucas is thankful to have scored a bunch of my junk to add to the clutter in his room.

He's especially thankful the the Sony Walkman that still works!    He's amazed he can pick up radio stations.  Anyone have some tapes he can play?!

Thanksgiving 1998

I am meant to clean my house today.  But I haven't gotten past my closet.
I am finally emptying out picture frames that have lost their honored place on the walls over the years.   Various family pictures, collages, etc.   I plan to make a few collage pictures for the boys as a Christmas gift.

High upon the closet shelf I stumbled into the Poem that Thayer gave to me on Thanksgiving of 1998.

To put things into perspective.... Thayer and I met just before Thanksgiving of 1997 while working at the Candle Factory.  We had our first date with my friends Jamie and Cathy, the night before thanksgiving.   (A trip to ice skate in Roanoke).     The next day, he joined my family for Thanksgiving dinner and within the year we were engaged to be married.
So... thanksgiving of 1998.  I was happily engaged and completely blown away when Thayer presented me with this poem.  It is chock full of interesting facts that no one will understand.
BUT a few of you will totally get some of this!  So... in memory of Thayer, 15 years later... I thought I'd share.  :)

Thanksgiving 1998

One year ago, much like today

started the love of my life, I do say.

Amid the candles, and a blueberry welcome, 

we sang to Roanoke in the back of a jeep.

Thanksgiving meal with the video to say, 

what each had done a year that day.

Taking pictures of all, documenting our lives, 

after deviled eggs and dipping in the chives.

Later it snowed, and we went sledding

Pepper with dingleberries collecting.

That first kiss at the bottom of the hill

staggering to me, dumbfounding to you, 

with a dozen red roses, saying no more.

Bringing the Colonel's Kentucky Fried chicken

bearing along finding Parkway picnickin.

Hiking and biking, seeing wonderous sights

overlooking the river on Holcolm Rock,

or dreaming of flying from Hang Glider Point.

With friends as together, climbing devil's marbles;

we enjoy even spartan times like gathering fall's colors.

Seeing the world what a tremendous time, 

we drove through dusty hot plains

with white birds biting buffalo butts, 

and over tall, snowy-cold mountains,

stopping to see canyons over the next ridge

at every turnoff on America's Great Divide,

where dogs pee on your tire.

Wait, but there's more, than slipping

down Virginia's waterways, or bouncing on tubes,

the five of us in the rain standing with awe, God's great glimmers.

Then there were the midnight trips to Walmart;

four-star camping; access denied and 

playing cards with no bathroom door,

don't forget hiking solitare by the falls.

Cars come and cowfish go; Puddles too everyone knows.

Newness is like comforters,

shower curtains and starting your car;

like glasses seeing afresh.

Swiftly following a Ryder truck a new home makes,

maybe a pioneering pastor, or a free watch.

In the end, but before Judgement Day, 

Merging arguments and mysterious histories, 

will all go away, like learning to drive

getting smoother with time

like jeep-mud running down the drain.

Farcical Ike, partying with rest, 

wearing archaic lavish garb bobbing with the best;

did I mention the chips and dip?

You nurture me to gregarious games, and love to be out

so I brought you biscuits while you scout.

And with the Lovelady's, a night on the town, 

Denver presents, Brazilian abundance renown.

We even tried our hand at communal living,

sharing too many too few, the bathrooms.

The wind at our backs and our eyes upwards,

we lotioned, swam and sun-in (ed),

walked in the moonlight, stayed up late,

slept in, not a care of responsibility

landing barefoot or sipping Daquiri's

while eating out, Calabash style.

Those of some of my greatest memories

Thankyou.

A rose for your grace, cheese with your whine,

and a beloved, Kenny the Bear.

day 26

November 26:

I am thankful for this group of goofballs.

The "neighbor kids" as I affectionately call them.

I am thankful that my boys have good friends so close by.   

I'm thankful that they are an extension to our family.

I dare say that they are a few of the reasons I haven't packed up and moved to the country yet.

day 25

November 25:

Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for clean, running water.

The access that our community has to this essence of life is a true blessing.

I am reminded that if I've flushed my toilet, just once today, I've already used more water than the average African has for an entire day-- for drinking, cooking, cleaning, bathing, etc. etc.

day 24

November 24:

I am thankful for Daniel's interest in skateboarding.

I am thankful for neighbor kids who dig it too!

And, like I said before, I am so very thankful that the 

local University opens their facilities to the public!

A great place to hang out on a frigid day.

day 23

November 23:

I am thankful for where we live.

When we were house hunting, Thayer and I arrived at this location before the Realtor showed up.   We walked around the yard and decided , instantly, that this would be our home... before we ever viewed the  inside of the house!

Our property backs up to the perfect woods for boys.  

Exploration and fort building abounds!

day 22

November 22:

I am thankful for friends, from near and far,

 who contribute to my growing gnome collection!

Gnomes make me smile.

day 21

November 21:

I am thankful to live in a country that provides 

free public education.  

(however flawed it may be).

I am blessed to be able to send my kids to school each day... especially knowing that others on our planet do not have that privilege.

I am thankful for my kids' teachers.    I am thankful for their commitment to their students.   

My boys have had many excellent teachers over the years who have encouraged them, challenged them, 

and have gone the extra mile 

to make learning fun.