circus

well... atleast I can say that I have been.
SMc... thanks so much for inviting us. It was fun!
The performance aspect of the circus was amazing. The motorcycles and the tightrope guys were pretty thrilling. And the elephants were adorable!!

But I could certainly have done without the "mom, mom, mom, mom, can I have $5? just $5? I want a balloon... just $5... we'll share it and keep it forever!" over and over like a really bad skip in a CD.
ugh.

Everything else was great except a brief moment when I almost "lost it" over a box of popcorn.
L and I had gone out of the tent to purchase 2 hotdogs, a snow cone and a box of popcorn. We received the food and I walked over to a little side stand, set the popcorn down, and put ketchup on the hotdogs. We went back inside to find our seats when I realized that I had forgotten to pick up the popcorn!!!!!... (which D had specifically requested!). L and I ran back out in hopes of getting the box before someone else took off with it. But it was GONE when we got there. :(
I was SO disappointed with myself! $5 down the drain and I couldn't go back to D without his dinner! So I got in line to purchase another $5 box of popcorn while I was damning myself for doing something so stupid.
As we approached the front of the line, I realized that there was a sprinkle of popcorn where I had left the box and then I realized that there was a trash can beside the table. As I peered over the side.... Lo and Behold.... there was our popcorn... pretty much still intact. :)
so....yep...I jumped out of line and snatched the box right out of the trash. I got a few looks from the other folks in line but I didn't care. $5 saved and I was feeling accomplished!

After the show, we made it home and did our normal night stuff.
L wasn't settled until about 9:30. At that point, he calls me into his room and shares with me his deepest thoughts.
It has pretty much been decided that when he is done with 2nd grade, he will be going to "tightrope school" .
(and amazingly, there are lots of circus schools out there! I just spent some time googling them!)
Since he realized that he will be traveling with the circus after his training, he has promised to write me everyday. And when Mr. Q dies, he is going to mail me a circus dog... and a hoop. He will make sure that the dog is trained well. and that it can jump through a flaming hoop if I need it to.
He was originally going to mail me an elephant but he wasn't sure if there was a mail truck big enough. :-)

We had a great chat about his future plans of circus life.
And honestly, I think he'd make a great tightrope guy.
Who knows? maybe he has found his calling...
but I just don't know what I'd do with the dog...

wired

I just had a amazing visit with friends in C-ville over the past few days. It was so relaxing and refreshing!! Thanks to all of my wonderful friends who are so hospitable!! I like feeling right at home... (maybe even better than home) ;)

-April 16th marked 8 months since Thayer's death. It was very helpful being around friends on that day.
I knew what day it was... but I was having too much fun to really dwell on it.
Over the past few days, it was nice to be around people who knew Thayer and still talk freely about him.
I thought of Thayer often as I contemplated all of the struggles that our friends are currently dealing with. I remembered a time when we were all much happier.

The boys and I headed back to town this afternoon just in time for me to re-pack their bags and take them to spend the evening with my parents.
I went to work the concessions at the Pulse concert (benefiting the Blue Ridge Pregnancy Center). I had a great time. So much fun that I managed to consume three sodas containing caffeine between the hours of 5 and 11pm.
For those of you who know me... that was probably a bad idea on my part.
I've got a million things running through my mind at this moment.

-Right now (it's midnight....don't let the time of the post confuse you... I need to get that fixed)
I am completely wired. I've started a load of laundry, I'm checking blogs, checking email, folding clothes, getting ready to take a shower and snuggle in to continue reading Breaking Dawn (the fourth book! and I'm loving it!)

-I forget how much I enjoy concerts.... anyone interested in helping me promote an Andrew Peterson concert in the future?? I've always toyed with idea of getting him back in Lynchburg.

-We've had a marvelous spring break and it's hard to believe that tomorrow will be our last day of freedom!
-I can't wait until summer!!

those little reminders

I often get caught off-guard by little reminders that Thayer is no longer with us... that I'm really a "single" now... not "couple".

Our Virginia tax refund came in the mail the other day.
(We've always opted to have checks sent to us... since I really enjoy getting mail) :-)

I got around to opening the check today so I could deposit it. As I looked at my lone name on the check, I sat... kind of taken aback to see just MY name. It felt like such an official slap in the face... that I'm not part of a greater entity anymore. I'm no longer the side kick to the primary person. I'm just me. Not a wife... not part of a couple. Just me.

I feel like Robin without Batman.
I'm really sad about that.
I miss him.

Spring Break!!

It's been marvelous so far. I have slept late for several days and I love not having to tote people to school, or go to work.
Ahhhh.... a small hint of what summer may be for us!

Our few days of freedom have reminded me what my first job will be this summer. I will certainly be unhooking our cable as soon as school lets out in June. These couch potatos that I live with have been getting up super early and watching TV while I snooze away until 9am. I'm pretty sure that their brains will officially be mush when we head back to school next monday.

On a brighter note:
We enjoyed a super day visiting friends in Roanoke on Monday. It was a wonderful day. I LOVE to be able to sit and chat with my dear friend while the kids run rampant in other areas of the house. And amazingly... this group of boys rarely get hurt while playing together. :-)
(R.... I am So thankful that you talk openly about Thayer and always ask great questions. I really appreciate our talks!!)

We've got more plans this week to visit with friends. Can't wait to catch up with folks!!

Easter

Well... forget the last post.
Tears have come. Off and on... as I had predicted.

My 10 year anniversary wasn't as bad as I had imagined. With ALL credit given to my amazing friends who bombarded me with emails, cards and phone calls. I am really blessed to have SO many people who care!
I've also kept amazingly busy over the past few days.
We spent some time with dear friends on Friday night. And I was blessed by an unexpected visit from a C-ville friend.
I have been surrounded by great people and great conversation. :-)

I was pleasantly surprised when I received an email from Thayer's aunt. She notified me that Thayer's family had secured a gift certificate at a local nursery so that I could pick out a tree in memory of our anniversary. I was really touched by her sentiments and I am still in awe at such a thoughtful gift.
My Dad and I went to the nursery yesterday and brought home a gorgeous Redbud tree.

I had quickly decided that the Redbud was the perfect tree because...
When Thayer and I returned from our honeymoon I remember that it was the first time that I had actually noticed the redbuds. We were both amazed at how the redbuds were so beautiful as they dotted the sides of the Virginia highways. We wondered why they were called redbuds when they were clearly a pretty purple.
And every April since then... we have each made comments about the redbuds...remembering the season of our wedding, but also just commenting about how beautiful those redbuds are.
They easily became our favorite trees :-)
And I am super excited to be able to plant one in our yard and to be able to remember Thayer as we watch it grow and mature.

Speaking of maturing... (and drastically changing the subject)...
I wish my poor kids would mature!! They were horrible at church today. I am quite sick of the fact that they suck the joy right out of me on Sunday mornings. And today being Easter... I really thought that they would give me a break. ha. I thought wrong. Just when I get excited about going to church and singing praises... those punks whine and complain about everything. Today, one of them acted like a monkey on crack (or maybe just a kid on sugar) and the other one acted like he was tired and proceeded to lay down and fake-sleep. I am so frustrated with them.... ugh.
So, instead of riding bikes, going to the movies, or playing with the neighbors.... these kids have earned several hours of quiet time in their rooms.

I'm off to have a few moments of quiet as well...

dry eyes

I shared with some friends tonight that I haven't really cried in a week or more. (that I can remember)
This has been odd to me.
I should be glad that I am not wallowing in misery...and perhaps I am moving along with my healing.... but at the same time I am wondering if I am trying to conceal my thoughts or avoid the obvious.
I dunno.
I'm finding it hard to think about Thayer or focus on his absence.
I tend to move my thoughts to my "to do" list. And the kids have been keeping me super busy these days.

My ten year anniversary is approaching on Friday and I don't know if I am subconsciously repressing my thoughts on the subject. I keep thinking that it could possibly be a tough day for me. I just don't know what to expect...

I'm pretty sure that I have overthought the whole thing and that the anticipation of the date is probably worse then the actual day will be.

And I get tickled with myself as I realize that I'm trying to psychoanalyze myself.... I'm such a nut :-)

I know that the tears will come and go. And I just continue to take each day at a time.
I'm thankful for the good days :-)

to the curb

I threw the chicken out with our garbage.

one small step for mankind. one giant leap for jill.

:-)

feeling productive

well... I'm not really as productive as I would like to be.
I still can't walk through my kids' rooms and the bathrooms have somehow managed to get dirty again. And I still need to sit and balance my checkbook.

BUT tonight I am celebrating... watching Twilight... as a reward for the fact that I have filed my taxes, kept up with my laundry AND I have managed to catch up on some scrapbooking!

Today I had an entire day of scrapbooking.
(Many thanks to my parents for watching the boys!! )
I was able to get up-to-date with family pictures and I started my "memorial-type" album with photos and info documenting Thayer's death and his memorial service.

I'm sure that creating this memorial book is supposed to be alot more painful for me....and I thought that it would be hard to organize it today. But truthfully, I was just focused on getting it done. I didn't allow myself time to think about the significance of the items that I was attaching in the book. I even joked about how the pages with the newspaper article and obituary looked gloomy.
I can't guarantee that when it's completed that I won't feel differently .... when I actually read it all. But for now, I just want to accurately portray items so that the kids will have documentation of the events that have dramatically changed their lives.

alrighty. I went out tonight with some of my other favorite people ;) and I was accused of not blogging enough. So- to appease my loyal audience (both of you) I have decided to simply sit here and share some of my recent ponderings.

I intially wanted to share my thoughts about my recent trip to McDonalds where I realized that all of the other patrons were rather overweight. I can see where I'm heading if I keep eating out.... and the thought of me at the beach this summer is frightening.

But... I'll save those cheerful thoughts for another post. ;)

I think I'll share my deep thoughts on love. haha.

As you know... I've been reading the Twilight series. And any "older" person that enjoys these books surely thinks, "ahhh...wouldn't it be great to be young and in love again...."
And as no surprise to you, I don't have a chance at the "young" part.
But I've got a bit of hope for the "love" part.

I was extremely blessed to have fallen in love with the first guy I ever dated. Thayer swept me off of my feet and I've never felt a stronger love for any individual. We would have been celebrating our 10 year anniversary on April 10th.

Unfortunately... I am now alone and I often feel like a confused teenager. Wondering... hoping... praying...is God preparing someone for me? And wondering if I would actually be fortunate enough to have two "Mr. Rights" in one lifetime...
When some people go a lifetime and never find a mate... why would I even hope to find another??

As I sit back and take a mental snapshot of our little family... I can't think of anyone who would want to sign up for this duty. I watch my kids act like maniacs and I see myself on a single mom rollercoaster... I am reminded that we are damaged goods. I'm pretty sure that men won't be lined up at our door ready to adopt a family of wackos. :-)

I've shared with many of you that I hate to think that God would want me to be alone for the next 50 or 60 years.
Not to mention my prayers that the boys could once again have a "dad".
But I am well aware that God may have very different plans for us. And I think that I'm okay if He requires me to go it alone.

In spite of my obvious imperfections, I am relieved to know that God has created something good in me. And this journey has been a very eye opening experience. I am certain that God is preparing me for my future...whatever, and whoever, it may include.

Psalm 71:20

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

my weekend

aaahhhhh..... so refreshing!!!
There aren't adequate words to describe the wonderful time that I have when I visit my C-ville friends.
They are so genuine and lovely. I have decided that they are certainly my favorite community of friends.

(so... if you are a friend that I enjoy on a singular basis....don't be offended by this post.... I love you too!!) ;)

I have tried to figure out how we came to such a comfortable relationship with these men and women. And I don't think there is really a cookie cutter answer. I just figure that God placed these people our my lives... and they were willing to love us well.

I can remember looking at our group and LOVING the fact that all of the husbands seemed to actually like each other. And all of our children got along really well.
The men and women could all sit around for hours and have real conversations while the kids basically entertained themselves with only a few minor injuries.

I have been blessed to share in their joys, their excitement, their sorrows and their brokenness. I've never experienced such a "real" group of people before. And I am thankful to have shared a few years with them.
Visiting with these folks reminds me how much I miss them!
already looking forward to my next visit!!

things

I recently realized that I still have most of Thayer's stuff. Not really intentionally... it's just here... pushed aside... and I run into it occasionally... and it takes me by surprise.
(Of course I'm planning on keeping the important stuff for the boys to have as they get older)

At one point I was ready to sort out his clothes but then I decided to keep them until I have the quilts made for the boys. I don't want to get rid of any quilt worthy material.
His shirts are stuffed back in the closet and I catch a glimpse of them every so often. And it takes my breath away.

I had cleaned out his bathroom but I'm pretty sure that his toiletry bag is still stuffed in a drawer waiting to be sorted through.
His deodorant is still in the medicine cabinet. When I want a good cry... or when I want to remember his smell, I'll steal a sniff. (yeah, that probably sounds demented... but in a weird way...it helps me)

Other than the deodorant... I think I'm really not someone who hordes things for sentimental reasons. I really hate clutter and I know that I will be relieved when I actually get to sort through Thayer's stuff.... especially in the man pit.

I didn't have any problem taking over the dresser drawers.
And I certainly didn't have any problem with claiming the bed for myself. I officially sleep in the middle of the bed surrounded on both sides with body pillows. I don't know how the two of us ever slept in that bed!! haha.
Today I got rid of the motorcycle magazines in Thayer's bathroom basket. I replaced them with bird magazines. ;p

Now... if I can just bring myself to throw out that frozen chicken!! :-)

sweet progress

Tonight I spent some sweet extra time with my littlest guy. Not really by choice... but I'm glad that it happened. Again, I realize that God works in the strangest ways.

It all started when the boys were doing their usual wrestle-mania before bedtime. I was being constructive with pulling their sheets down and fluffing their pillows... while they... were beating the crap out of each other in the living room.
(they claim that it's fun... until someone gets hurt).
Lo and behold I hear a loud thump followed by hysterical crying. D calmly walks to me and says "L hurt his head". yeah, I noticed. (As if D had no part in it). ha.
After I came to the rescue the crying continued so we applied some ice to the big bump on his skull and read some books. As bedtime approached L was actually looking tired and sleepy. He could hardly hold his eyes open.
Red flag!! This kid would stay up until wee hours of the night if he was allowed!!
I immediately recalled the recent headlines about Natasha Richardson... and I certainly didn't want similar tragedy to happen upon my house.
I figured that I would keep him awake for a while to monitor him. So... we sat in the living room and chatted a while.
We had a great talk about school. About art projects, about seats on the bus, about where he sat in the lunch room. I was blessed to hear all of the little details that would normally never come out of his mouth.

I asked him if he rememberd Thayer eating lunch with him. (Thayer ate lunch with D and L every Friday, last year.) He remembered... he talked about where they sat etc.
As he was talking, I immediately started to get misty eyed and eventually let the tears fall.
L noticed I was sad... and I said how sorry I was that Daddy couldn't come to the school anymore.
At that point, I was greeted my an amazing, sweet, comforting hug from my baby. His compassionate attitude was such a welcome sight after weeks and weeks of the grumpies. It was a great moment for us. A sad moment... but a good one.
We talked about how we should try to remember as much as we can about Daddy.

Then L suggested that we should read another book. "Do you want a happy one mommy?"
Sure.

working through my thoughts on Lazarus...

I have recently spent some reading the book of John. Yesterday I had the chance to re-read John 11:1-45 with D for a catch up on some church lessons that he has missed.

I found it very intriguing that I cried each time I read the story of Lazarus.
Thinking on it.... I have very mixed emotions about the whole thing but it all boils down to the one Truth.

First of all-
I can feel the agony from Mary and Martha's statements, " Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." (John 11:21,32)

When I read this... I have a brief moment where I can relate. I start to think "where were you Jesus?? Where were you when Thayer needed protection??"

But then my heart reminds me that Jesus was right there with Thayer... no doubt in my mind that Jesus was there to catch Thayer and embrace him.

But this story of Lazarus goes on... Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead!
whoa.

At this point I think "Why not Thayer, Jesus!? If you can raise Lazarus... why not Thayer!? How much faith would we need to see that kind of miracle??

Luke 17:6 The Lord replied, "If you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it would obey you!"

John 11:40 Then Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?"

Here is where I intially think.... yeah right...I've got some faith (atleast as much as a mustard seed)... and I believe... but where's that glory that you speak of?

The Truth of the matter outweighs all of my doubts and complaints:

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?
John 11: 25-26

So... all of that to say... I need to rest in knowing the promises of Jesus. :-)

a meal

so... it's been 7 months and I can't recall cooking anything in my kitchen except the occasional spaghetti, tacos, breakfast dinner, or boxed mac and cheese.

In honor of St. Patrick's day, I thought I would try to be like one of those moms who actually uses the oven. And I managed to pull together a GREEN meal!!!

For the first time in 7 months, I cooked chicken.
I made chicken pockets- with green insides. I made green mashed potatoes. I heated a can of green beans (another first in 7 months). And we had store bought cookies that were left over from school parties. The chicken looked like it was stuffed with watergate salad... but it was yummy. The mashed potatoes looked like playdough... and the kids couldn't get past the color. They insisted that it tasted like playdough too. They loved having the green milk and cookies.

Honestly, I was really proud of myself for making a meal. As many of you know... I have REALLY struggled with meals and the thought of cooking since Thayer has been gone.
And tonight, I realized why.
When it was all said and done. (from first pot out of the cabinet... to last dish washed) I had spent about two hours in the kitchen.
And about 5 minutes of that time included eating. Those kids that live here ate in a flash. And after they scurried away... it looked like there was enough left for Thayer.
I HATE leftovers.
I just find it so hard to prepare a meal that nobody cares about. I used to enjoy cooking for Thayer.
Sure... I'd complain about it once in a while but I knew that he would always eat a TON and then take the rest to work. Dinnertime meant SO much more when I knew that someone was actually interested in eating.

I have absolutely no desire to prepare meals.
I know that sounds lame... and I had no idea that Thayer's death would effect me in this way.
The voice in my head says "get a grip and be a mom"... but that is harder said than done.

Just another thing to work on as time passes.
Until then.... we'll really appreciate invites for dinner! haha.

7 months

...

on the mend

Thanks for all of the well wishes and prayers. I'm on the mend.
Atleast my back is :-)
The rest of me has a long way to go! haha.

'Out of Order"

God has again taken my plans and tossed them to the wind. I keep wondering why he pulls this random stuff.
And yet I get a little tickled when I know that He's saying... "This is just part of the process, my child."

Last night.. while attempting to discipline one of my kids... I completely threw my back out. I know it was kind of a punishment of sorts for the fact that I wasn't disciplining in love... but I was acting out in anger.
Psalm 4:4 "In your anger do not sin" came to mind as I was standing in the hallway, unable to stand straight, unable to put weight on my leg, and crying out in pain.
D immediately came to my side, obviously concerned for me. He wanted to help out. (finally... some help around here) ;)
I was at my very weakest, not only physically but emotionally too. I cried and cried, admitting to my eight year old that I just can't do this anymore. I was weak, hurt and really in pain. (I'm talking worse than childbirth!!)
He insisted that we call Papa and Grandma for help and I eventually agreed since I was in no way capable of moving.
The fact that I had to call my parents was difficult. What 31 year old has to call parents for help? I struggled with the fact that if Thayer were here.... I wouldn't be in this predicament. Our little family would not be struggling to keep afloat.

But the reality is otherwise.

I've got to say that I am SO thankful to have parents that will drop everything to come and help their baby girl :-) What a blessing to have such a super support system. I realize that I am very fortunate.

My parents got me walking a little and helped me get to bed. I had a very uncomfortable night and a painful exit from bed this morning. Today, my lovely parents have babied me and taken care of the boys. I have been stuck on the couch all day... but fortunately I am able to walk in intervals and sit upright at this point.

So... what IS God trying to teach me?
two things I am considering.... God wants me to SLOW down.
And God wants our family to mend. The possibility of family counseling was brought up last night. And I am serioulsy considering it.

I guess the first thing that needs to mend is my back...

i'm on a roll with completely random stuff...

Alrighty. I've recently been "tagged" by some of my friends. I'm not going to follow all of the directions.... just because ;)
But I do want to acknowledge that I am flattered to have been chosen.

First:
Kelli wants to see my 6th image from my 6th picture folder on my computer....

This was taken at Thayer's memorial service. I can't even name the folks in the picture. But I'm pretty positive that they are all co-workers of Thayer. (Someone please correct me if I'm wrong...)



Secondly, Regina awarded me with the "lemonade award". Supposedly I show "attitude and/or graditude" on my blog. Thanks :-)

Happy Saturday!

smiles

it's friday... and the neighbor's trash can is still laying beside the road.

Another new Fav...

I just bought a Jimmy Needham CD.
I've been hearing his songs on the radio for the past few weeks and I'm hooked.
I think his voice is intoxicating and I really like his style. Pretty groovy.
So... check him out!

distract me!!

This has turned into one of those days where I have let myself become completely overwhelmed.
I have decided to blog, as a distraction... from all of my other distractions today.

I am fully aware that I need to file my taxes this year. (Previous years, I would have already gotten back my refund by now!!) But this year I am dragging my feet just out of pure lack of concern or effort.
Since I need to get cracking.... I just spend the past hour searching the house for the 'closing statement' from the sale of our C-ville house. I was almost in tears and I was calling out for Thayer to show me where the stupid papers were.
Then... it turns out that the envelope was right where I put it (and in the very first place that I looked... but I had overlooked it.)
Just another hour dissolved. blah.

I am surrounded by piles of clothes and a million receipts that need to be written in the checkbook.
After my fluster over the paperwork, I feel too frazzled to even think about cooking a meal. Those poor kids are in the basement... assuming that I am slaving away over the stove. I can imagine their disappointment when they emerge and want dinner.

I wonder if the kids notice that I am so unstable at times.
I think it's pretty obvious to them... especially when I say, "I just can't function today". :-)

They have bought lunch at school the last two days... just because I didn't want to put the effort into making sandwiches or washing fruit. (how lame!)
I often feel like I'm such a wreck.
But I also try to allow myself time be the human that I am. I have come to the realization that the laundry may never get done and that the kids may never clean up their rooms. Such is life. (atleast my 'new' life...)

One thing at a time.
Tonight, I plan to balance the checkbook and pay some bills.

and then onto the important stuff:
The Office and Edward Cullen
Those are two distractions that I don't mind. :-)

snow days

Oh to be young again :-)

We have enjoyed two marvelous snow days.

It's back to reality tomorrow.... but atleast we get to start it an hour late.

No time for serious thinking tonight-

I'm off to start reading Twilight!!! yay!

Jamie!!! You were SO Right!!

Need I say more?

:-)

sunday

I've had a TON of blogging ideas this week. And I've had so much to share. But as I finally find time to sit and write, I am blank.
(in fact, it's really not a good time because I am surrounded by kids dressed up in old Halloween costumes.... and they are fighting over swords and darts).... (so it will be interesting to see if any real thoughts appear as I type)...

We've had Thayer' grandmother with us this week, visiting from SC. I was so glad that she agreed to come back with us last weekend. She was able to visit with some friends, and I had a chance to drag her around to some of our usual spots, including Kids Haven, school, the library, etc.
I drove her half-way home yesterday.

The Boys and I went to All Fired Up with some friends yesterday. L actually SAT in a chair to work on his project!!!! (that kid doesn't even sit to eat dinner!!) I think I may have found a new hobby for the boys :-)

Last night my friend's daughter came to spend the night and she ended up spending today with us as well.
So... we've been having a big time with all of our visitors this week!!

Interesting enough... when I have found time to myself this week... I have been a wreck. Fresh, raw sadness has sprung back to the surface. I find myself having flashbacks of those first few seconds, moments and days following Thayer's death. (and I know that these images will continue to haunt me...
a friend and I were talking about how traumatic moments are forever engrained in our memories. It's interesting how sights, sounds, smells, locations, etc can bring back vivid memories of events.)

And again, I find myself SO relieved that I am able to have my meltdowns when I need them. I am thankful when the tears come because I am reminded that I am human... and that I'm in the middle of a long process... and that I'm doing okay.

At this point in my grieving process I am SO thankful for friends that have made the special effort to "pursue" me :-) Thanks to those of you who call...(and don't expect me to call back) ;)
Thanks for the cards, emails and lunch dates.
I know I haven't been the best at initiating plans lately... but I am thankful for those of you who care enough to nuture our friendship!!!
I am SO thankful for those of you who will talk about Thayer, and for those who ask me good questions. I need to talk about these things and I appreciate those of you who will listen.

men and trash cans

The boys and I went to visit Thayer's family in SC this past weekend. On Friday night we stopped to visit some old friends in NC. It was a fun, fast, weekend of seeing folks that we haven't seen in quite a while.

Being around lots of men this weekend was a continual reminder of Thayer's absence.
Our friend in NC is a great Dad to his girls and I really miss the presence of a father in our home.
And again, as I was surrounded by Thayer's cousins... it was a reminder that I was lacking my guy.
I certainly wasn't depressed while I was visiting.... just little thoughts would pop in my head as I admired the relationships represented in their families.

I also have to give credit to my neighbors for constantly reminding me of Thayer...

Every Monday is trash day. After the trash pick-up, our lovely neighbors across the street usually leave their empty trash can laying in their yard for most of the week. They've been known to finally take it from the curb on Sunday... just in time to fill it and put it back by the road. The presence of that trash can... all week...by the road... used to frustrate Thayer. He didn't understand how anyone could drive by the trash can for DAYS and be too lazy to carry it to the house.
So... one week... as a friendly reminder.... Thayer pulled the trash can up their driveway and placed it directly behind their car. I would have liked to have seen the outcome of that placement. I'm still curious about if they backed over it, or saw it just in time.
And I don't think that they got the message.
Week after week, I wait to see how long they let the can lay by the road. It's out there now.... and I smile and think of Thayer every time I see it.

random thoughts :-)

a story

Alrighty. I have been asked by a dear friend to share a favorite Valentine's story of Thayer.
At first request, I didn't think I had a story.
Thayer and I didn't really do much on Valentine's day. If we were to celebrate, we would usually pick a day earlier or later... just to avoid the commercialism and rush of it all.

But after thinking, for about a second, I remembered our first Valentine's day. We had started dating in November of 1997. So by February... he had fallen head over heels in love with me (or perhaps the other way around).... but anyway, in February he was still laying on his charm rather thick, in hopes to reel me in.

I was still living with my parents at the time and I was working at a local daycare/preschool.
I headed out of the house, on my way to work, and to my surprise there were 4 roses and a classy teddy bear on the front porch. As I approached my car in the driveway, there were 4 more roses! I drove to work thinking how amazing this guy was. How thoughtful.
When I arrived at work, there were 4 more roses!! That was the icing on the cake. This wonderful guy had to have really planned this out... he was up early delivering roses across town. I was super impressed that he had gone the extra mile to make my day special :)
Nice story, eh?

But that story also reminds me of a sour one:

As a young newlywed, I probably had some expectations that were unrealistic.
It was either Valentine's day or our 1 year anniversary (I don't remember which)... I was secretly hoping, all day, that Thayer would send flowers. When we both arrived home from work in the evening and I noticed that he was empty handed, I think I must have thrown a little fit. Thayer went out that night and came back with flowers for me. Apparently I got angry about the flowers because I didn't want him to feel "obligated" to give flowers.
So since I was an idiot about it all... Thayer decided to never give me flowers again.
Pitiful... but I learned a valuable lesson.
And as our family grew, and as I matured, it was agreed that flowers were a waste of money.

funny thing is... after Thayer died, I bought myself fresh flowers from Walmart every week... for about 2 months. :0)

6 months

Tomorrow marks 6 calendar months since Thayer's death. My Dad pointed out the fact that yesterday marked 26 weeks. That's exactly half a year.
wow. Half of a year without Thayer. It seems like he was just here. But at the same time... it seems like so long!
The phrase that continues to run through my head, especially at night..."this is really happening".
Of course it is happening, I tell myself. I am fully aware that Thayer is no longer with us. But I still picture him around the house and will even say at times, "Thayer, where are you!?"

People will comment on how well I am doing.
Some have said that they don't know how they'd make it if their spouse died... and that I'm such a strong person.
I find that kind of amusing because most people don't know what a mess I am.
(unless you read my blog on a regular basis... haha)

But seriously...I have learned that there's no choice about "making it". It's just a reality that I've got to live through. I honestly don't have time to think about sitting around in self pity. These kids are pretty time consuming..... and keeping up with this blog... geez. ;)

I do realize that if kids weren't involved, it would be easy to get caught up in the 'woe is me' mindset.
And honestly, some nights I do allow myself to wallow a little bit. But then the morning comes and life starts up again at full speed.

The "new normal" requires a lot of me. Most of the time I am floundering, but I've also learned that floundering is okay.... as long as I'm not drowning.

I certainly can't write a 6 month post without praising God for keeping me afloat! :-)

I have learned more about God in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. The tragedy of Thayer's death has taught me SO much. I have a unique perspective of life... that only widows/widowers can understand. God has taken something horrible and used it to mold me in so many ways. Thayer's death is a really crappy way to learn a lesson but I know that God is using this situation for good. My prayer is that I can become the woman that God wants me to be.

One day at a time.

And yes, it's fine and dandy to write all of this... but at the end of the day, I still want my husband back.

happy belated Valentine's day!

Isn't L creative?! I knew that those fridge magnets would come in handy.

completely random thoughts on prayer

Last night I had to laugh at myself while I was praying.

There is a particular person that I pray for every day. I ask God to bless this person, and encourage this person, etc. etc. But I realized that at the end of my prayer for this person, each time, I think... "I can't believe he is such a punk."

I started to wonder... does God appreciate a prayer like that? And do I nullify the prayer when I start name calling?
I genuinely pray for this person... but the "punk" word always pops up.
hmmm.

Does this fall under the category of praying for your enemies? I dunno. This person isn't my enemy... he's just a punk. :)
I suppose I need to pray for a better attitude. or maybe just a better vocabulary.

I am SO thankful that God hears our prayers... no matter how imperfect we are.
And my prayer life shows just how flawed I am!

For now, I am hopeful that God sees the humor in my crazy thought process. And I'd like to think that I make Him smile.
I'm looking forward to the day when I finally get to see that Smile, face to face. :0)

tooth fairy

D had quite a morning.... he had 4 teeth pulled in order to make room for his permanent ones.
I unfortunately was asked to witness some of the procedure. It was way more disgusting than I had anticipated.
OW! My poor boy!!!

It's safe to say that the tooth fairy will be leaving big bucks tonight!!

6 moons

Thayer died on the evening of a full moon. I think I have posted earlier about how bright the moon was on that first sleepless night after we heard of Thayer's accident.
Tonight is the 6th full moon since his death. I can't help but to replay the events of August 16th in my mind. The full moon will be a constant reminder of Thayer's death.... as well as a reminder that the world keeps on turning... and we keep on surviving, one day at a time.
We've made it almost 6 months. Hard to believe. And I still have to remind myself that he's really not coming home.

With the return of a few spring-like days, there has also been a huge return of motorcycles on the roadway. I find myself watching each one that passes. Turning my head to see the make and model.
(just like Thayer always did...
I would usually tell him to put his tongue back in his mouth. haha.
He LOVED motorcycles.)

In a weird way, I've been checking out the bikes, the riding gear, the helmets.... just in hopes to catch a glimpse of someone similar to Thayer... so I could see him riding again. I miss seeing him ride. He got so much enjoyment from riding. I know that he would be LOVING this weather.
The other day when the boys and I were out shopping, I mentioned that if Daddy were here, he'd be riding, for sure. :-)

I'm not sure if it's the motorcycles, or the weather change (as my friend, J, suggested)... but the last two days have been hard on me. I haven't showed it outwardly too much but I've been really weepy during my moments at home.

And Kids Haven, tonight, didn't seem to help. We were asked to write a eulogy for our loved one...the way that we would have liked it. For instance... if they had lived a long life, what would be said about it.
This activity didn't go over well with the group.
I certainly couldn't write something expressing how it should or could have been.
I have spent the last six months accepting how it IS.

the gym

So. I've been going to the gym... usually in the early afternoon. It's been nice because there aren't too many people there. I go the the "ladies" area because I feel like I have more freedom to jog on the treadmill without frightening people.
The best days are when I'm in there alone...

Yesterday, another lady... about my mom's age... comes into the room. I kindly said that she could watch whatever she wanted on the tv. Since I had just watched 30 minutes of "10 years younger" on TLC, I figured that I could share the tv with a nice old lady.
I thought that we'd probably end up watching a news channel. (which would have been fine)
I smiled to myself as she watched CNN for a brief moment.
But then my brain screamed in horror as she settled on the Home Shopping Network.
I didn't have a clue that people actually watched that channel!!!!
For the next 30 minutes, I listened to some man (wearing skinny jeans!!) talk about how just a few drops of his product gives so much shine and body to your hair. We also got to see before and after of the beautiful models... who smiled and smiled and smiled. gag.

I have finally decided to power up D's IPOD and turn my brain off to the mindnumbing stupidity that looms on a gym tv set. I have sat through a few soap operas (which was painful) but I will draw the line at the HSN.

Today, I excitedly bought a New Testament MP3 Audio Bible that I will take with me to the gym tomorrow. That is... if I manage to get it onto the IPOD tonight :-)
(It takes me 5 times longer than most americans to figure out this technical stuff. Another reason why I really miss Thayer!!)
I'll be excited to fill my brain with the good stuff.... instead of turning my cells to mush :-)

one day at a time

This single mom gig is starting to sink in. I'm really realizing that the work is never done.
(That is true of every parent, I know.)

But something has to be said of having that partner around who can make personal/business calls and send faxes from work. Someone who can call the cable company or settle up business with creditors and insurance people.
Someone who can research things online during their lunch break and figure out the details.

The problem is... I don't have that partner and there are just not enough hours in the day to get things done.
And I realize that I don't even work full time!!! I think of all of the single moms who work full time!! My heart aches for them!

I have blown gaskets in my head trying to make a list of things that need to get accomplished. There really isn't a huge rush on most of my list... but it hovers over me. I'm still dealing with "death stuff" (as I affectionately call it). Paperwork, meetings and errands that are leftover things "to do" resulting from Thayer's death.
My reminder list includes about 16 things. I have successfully marked off 4 items but then I just added 2 more.

I'm confident that once I get all of this death stuff behind me that things may slow down a bit. But that's probably a joke. There is always something going on. And I'm realizing that it drains alot of brainpower when there is only one brain in the house. I miss having Thayer here to talk with. I've managed to develop a great talking relationship with God.... but it's usually a one way street (atleast verbally... but He is obviously communcating in other ways)

Since I'm only one person here...my plan is to try to accomplish one thing each day after work.
Today I dropped the list and I made the gym a priority. After taking care of myself, I managed to make three phone calls, set up two appointments... and I also cleaned my bathrooms!!!
yay for me!

You may be wondering... why is she wasting time on her blog if she's got so much to do?!
well... some of you have pestered me about not blogging in a while!!!! AND... most of my stuff needs to be done during normal business hours.

so I'm left alone with my thoughts, and my list, at night. fun.

mom of the year

I headed to the bus stop this afternoon to pick up the boys.
Everyone in L-burg can picture the scene..... it was raining, cold, and bits of ice were plumeting out of the trees and off of the power lines. It was just a nasty afternoon.
I was armed with my coat, gloves and an umbrella.
I arrived at the corner and expected to see the bus coming over the hill. I waited several minutes... and nothing.
I waited a bit longer until I realized that it wasn't really raining anymore. (It was just very noisy from the stuff falling out of the trees).
I wasn't under the trees so I thought I would pass the time by spinning my umbrella. I found out that I'm a pretty good spinner! :-)
I waved as my neighbor passed by in her truck. Several other neighbors came and went.
I waited. and I waited.

I'm never sure at what point I need to start worrying about the bus.
I always wonder that if something were wrong... would the school system call my house to inform me? And how would I get that message if I'm standing on the corner?
I then proceed to wonder if they would send someone around in a car to inform parents of bad news?
I also wonder if I should go home and call about the tardy bus... But then I figure that as soon as I went home, the bus would come. All of these thoughts keep playing in my mind.
Then I am somewhat peaceful as I watch the poor guy up the street standing in his driveway, waiting for his granddaughter. I tell myself that surely if something were wrong, he is close enough to his house to get the phone call. So if he waits, then I wait.

So... I'm waiting. My neighbor who left earlier... returns. She stops and chats. She had made an entire trip to the grocery store as I stood out in the cold!!!! She informs me of the time, at which I recall that I've been standing on the corner for 45 minutes!! yikes. Who knew that spinning umbrellas could pass time that well?
I had noticed that my toes were numb. 45 minutes would explain that.

Surely the bus would be here soon. Ms. Yolanda is a great driver. I have nothing to worry about.
I wait several more minutes. And finally... I see the familiar bus lights emerge over the hilltop.
My babies have made it home! :-)
I give Ms. Yolanda the question face as she opens the door. She explains that a child had thrown up on the bus and that they were delayed at school while they cleaned up the mess. Not only had the child thrown up... but he had thrown up on L's backpack!!!
(yuck!)
L gets off of the bus carrying a huge black trash bag. With obvious contents. I couldn't wait to fish out his homework papers.

It turns out that when the "new boy" hurled on the bus, it grossed out our neighbor kid, and he in-turn threw up too! I can imagine how disgusting...
D said that the kids got to exit out of the rear emegency exit.
no doubt.

We made it home and all of my toes were still attached. I proceeded to snap on a pair of trusty latex gloves and retrieve the homework folder from the backpack... before I tossed the black bag and the rest of the contents in the outside trash can.
My Walmart list has "backpack" written on it now.

Hmmm...some days I deserve caffeine. And I think Ms. Yolanda does too!

frustrations

Sometimes... well... alot of the times.... these kids drive me nuts.
I know that it's just a joy that comes along with parenting.

After another crazy night at Kids Haven... involving wild, rude kids and a spanking... I was just lost for action. Sometimes I just don't know what to do next.

I ended up having a brief conversation with the boys explaining that I felt like I was being punished by them because their Daddy is gone. I know full well that they would not behave this way if Thayer was here. I explained that I needed them to respect me as the parent and that I needed love and obedience from them.

(yeah, I know that I need to earn respect... blah, blah, blah...)

They have often heard me say, "I'm just one parent here"... but they don't seem to get it yet.
I know that I need to do a better job at establishing my role here. It seems to come and go like the tide. One day we're fine, the next day they walk all over me.

I continue to pray for the wisdom and patience to keep this household in line. Everyday is a learning experience.
I know that I'm doing the best that I can. but it's just so frustrating.

be still

I had a rare lunch at home by myself the other day.
I was sitting at the table and gazing out into the woods behind our house. Everything out there is brownish gray and dull this time of year, except for a random evergreen that seems to pop with color amongst the dormant trees.
Everything was still and quiet until I saw a brief movement near a tree. It was a deer. When the movement stopped I quickly lost sight of it. I was amazed at how well camouflaged this girl was. As I was trying to focus my sights on the hidden deer... I happened to spot a second one! Another sneaky gal.
I watched the pair for a while as they nibbled on things and slowly made their way deeper into the trees, until they were out of my vision.
I kept thinking that if I had not slowed down and watched then I would have missed my opportunity to catch the deer in their normal routine. I am guessing that these deer are out there every day... but we're always too busy to notice.

I smiled as I thought about the fact that God placed those deer there. All of the tiny details of this world are in place... even when we are too busy to notice. Certainly if God is providing for those deer, he is providing for us as well.
God also told me that those deer represent all of the little things in life that we are to busy to see.
I am challenging myself to be still and watch for God in the little things...

Psalm 46:10

"Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

Tip #21

When you visit Starbucks and suddenly realize that all of the seats are taken....take your beverage, drive to Big Lots and recline on their sofas!!
The employees don't seem to mind that you have turned their store into a coffee house. ;)

the plan is foiled

okay. So I came up with a brilliant plan to start going to bed after I get the kids in bed.
Day one... great!!! My brain had overworked that day and I went to bed at 7:30pm and slept until 6:30am. that was amazing!!!
Day two... good. I got in bed by 9 and then read until about 10:15. Probably asleep by 10:30pm with a waking time of 6:30am. not bad.

The problem with this plan is that the laundry actually needs to be done in the daylight hours... and I have also skipped packing lunches for two nights. The $2.80 for school lunches was well worth it, but I can't expect my kids to eat that junk every day.

Tonight my parents came to have dinner with us. While they were occupying the kids, I finished up the laundry and packed lunches so I could get in bed around 8pm. I was on a roll.
Then it hit me!!! Tonight is Thursday!!!! No way am I going to miss The Office again this week.... so my perfect bedtime plan has been thwarted.
It looks like I'll be aiming for early bedtimes on most other days. Thursday will be my day to splurge :-)

I'm off to Scranton...

a 4 trip project

As the boys and I headed to Lowes today, I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered teasing Thayer about his many trips to the "man store".

We would rate a project by how many trips it took.

Now, it appears that I am officially the handyman in our house. The living room/hallway painting project was a 4 trip project. Three trips for paint and one trip for painters tape.

Not too bad... but now I understand why men have to make so many runs.

I have the one orange (happiness) wall. The other three are called "sand trap". Not a huge color change... but I just got rid of the really white.

I bought semi-gloss paint for the hallway because it will be way easier to clean off the dirty fingerprints that get smeared down the walls.

Thanks to Jamie and my Dad... the project is done and I'm feeling cozy.

Here's the new arrangement...

The next plan is to spray paint all of my picture frames black. (I'm slowly converting all frames to black) Also a new floor lamp and some cool art for the living room will be in the line-up.

5 months

I just realized the date as I posted my previous entry.
It has been 5 months since Thayer died.

Here are a few random thoughts:
Five months doesn't seem long. But it's almost half a year!!
It feels like forever since we've seen Thayer. I'm saddened about the fact that he is just becoming a memory. But I've accepted that we need to cling to our memories and enjoy old photos. I still picture him here with us and I have "griefbursts" ( a new term I got from a book. it simply means "a powerful surge of grief").
Things just sneak up and bite me in the butt and I can fall apart in a second. And then in the next minute I am okay.

For instance:
Yesterday, I was watching footage of the USAirways flight that landed in the Hudson River.
My first thought was I wonder what Thayer will have to say about this?
Whenever there was airplane stuff in the news, Thayer would comment on the report. He would often point out the stupid statements that the media would say about the mechanical aspects of things. Yesterday, I realized that I wouldn't get to hear his opinion or knowledge on the subject. So I had a "griefburst".
Something as simple as an airplane can stop me in my tracks.

Overall, the kids and I are adjusting well. We have lots of rough moments as I continue to adjust to being a single parent. But i think we are doing okay with it. I have received lots of babysitting help from family and friends and I am thankful when I can get "away" for a while.

environmental happiness

Who needs HGTV when you've got JWG?
Jamie came over last night to hang out and do a little painting in my living room. We sat and relaxed with my favorite beverage and then did a little work.
Then we chilled again with my favorite beverage (haha... Elaine... you know what I'm talking about! ).
Then Jamie proceeded to rearrange my living room furniture. It's totally cool and cozy now. The couches are no longer held at gunpoint against the walls.
It's nice to have an outsider come in with fresh ideas.
I was out of freshness so Jamie took over. I am thankful :-)

I am on a roll with this painting mood. Even though I'm taking it a little slow, I am thrilled to be adding a little color to the enviroment. These small changes are going to make big steps in re-creating my "own" space. It's nice to make some changes around here.

We are out of school and work today because it is cold. Go figure. I'm planning to enjoy a nice lonnng 5 day weekend!!! YAY!

batteries

I have been using the same calculator for over 9 years. It's an old, scratched Texas Insturments TI-60 that I adopted when Thayer and I got married. I have no idea how long he had owned the calculator before we married... but I'm pretty sure that it's OLD.
I cannot remember replacing the batteries- ever.
Just last month, I was thinking about how long the calculator has lasted. Those batteries outlasted Thayer. I was wondering how long the calculator would keep ticking.
Well... today.... the calculator batteries died.
another thing to add to my grocery list. And I won't feel comfortable balancing my checkbook until I get my TI buddy up and running again.

This week, I have learned that we, too, need to get new batteries once in a while. Well, I guess we just need to re-charge what we've got.
For those of you that were worried about my sanity over the last few days. Have no fear.
I had a Dr. Pepper at lunch today and I have pulled myself out of my pit.
I have cleaned both bathrooms, vacuumed, taken all of the junk back to the basement, swept the kitchen floor, and sorted through the papers on my counter.
My environment is happier.
And I'm back in business.

I think I'm gearing up to buy more paint and start on my other walls later this week. :-)

what stage is this?

so.... I've been unable to focus on anything for the past few days.

It seems that after my successful day with the caulking and painting, everything has come to a halt.
The paint cans and supplies are still piled in my kitchen floor, waiting for a trip to the basement. Papers and mail are stacked on the counters. Clean clothes are folded-but stacked on top of my dresser. Books are bookmarked and waiting to be read. I have several emails that I am supposed to be writing. And the bathrooms haven't been cleaned in weeks.
When I've been at home the past few days, I have just wandered. Unable to do what needs to be done.

My friend/ financial advisor has encouraged me to brainstorm a list of "life goals". And tonight, I couldn't even brainstorm a grocery list... much less a list of what I'd like to accomplish this week, next month, or a year from now.

Geez. I'm starting to feel crippled and I'm wondering if this is a new stage in my grief work. Perhaps depression is kicking in? Or perhaps it's just a "slow" week for my brain. I dunno.
I'll keep you posted-

I enjoyed this today. Just thought I would share...

Laws of the Lighthouse by Max Lucado
The first of the year is known for three things: black-eyed peas, bowl games, and lists. Some don't eat black-eyed peas. Others hate football. But everybody likes lists.

The Bible certainly has its share of lists. Moses brought one down from the mountain.

There are lists of the gifts of the Spirit. Lists of good fruit and bad. Lists of salutations and greetings. Even the disciples' boat got into the action as it listed in the stormy Sea of Galilee. (If you smiled at that, then I've got a list of puns you'd enjoy.)

But the greatest day of lists is still New Year's Day. And the number one list is the list I call the Laws of the Lighthouse.

The Laws of the Lighthouse contain more than good ideas, personal preferences, and honest opinions. They are God-given, time-tested truths that define the way you should navigate your life. Observe them and enjoy secure passage. Ignore them and crash against the ragged rocks of reality.

Smart move. The wise captain shifts the direction of his craft according to the signal of the lighthouse. A wise person does the same.
Herewith, then, are the lights I look for and the signals I heed:

-- Love God more than you fear hell.
-- Once a week, let a child take you on a walk.
-- Make major decisions in a cemetery.
-- When no one is watching, live as if someone is.
-- Succeed at home first.
-- Don't spend tomorrow's money today.
-- Pray twice as much as you fret.
-- Listen twice as much as you speak.
-- Only harbor a grudge when God does.
-- Never outgrow your love of sunsets.
-- Treat people like angels; you will meet some and help make some.
-- 'Tis wiser to err on the side of generosity than on the side of scrutiny.
-- God has forgiven you; you'd be wise to do the same.
-- When you can't trace God's hand, trust his heart.
-- Toot your own horn and the notes will be flat.
-- Don't feel guilty for God's goodness.
-- The book of life is lived in chapters, so know your page number.
-- Never let the important be the victim of the trivial.
-- Live your liturgy.

To sum it all up:Approach life like a voyage on a schooner. Enjoy the view. Explore the vessel. Make friends with the captain. Fish a little. And then get off when you get home.

From In the Eye of the Storm© (Thomas Nelson Publishers, 2006) Max Lucado

Winter Jam

I just got back from the Winter Jam concert.
Great show.

I was glad to hear snippets from my favorites, Brandon and Francesca.
We also heard from Hawk Nelson, who is new to me... but apparently the "young folks" are big fans.
I think that I will download some Hawk Nelson tunes for D's new Ipod. (yep, he bought an Ipod with Christmas money... and I now have a new toy to take to the gym.) ;)

The highlight tonight was Toby Mac and the Diverse City band. They put on a great show.
All night I kept wondering how old Toby Mac is... I used to listen to DC talk when I was just a young gal!
According to my Google search, Toby is 44 years old.
I am super impressed with his performance. He was rockin'. That man has some crazy energy about him! Some old school stuff... but way cooler.

Speaking of old school...
I think I've seen enough skinny jeans and skinny ties to last a lifetime. (my sis was reminded of Duran Duran tonight.)
I'm pretty sure that every guy performer and just about every young guy in the arena was wearing skinny jeans.
Enough is enough!! I know that it was cool back in the 80s.... but why would anyone want to repeat such a hideous fad?!
Maybe, those skinny girls can get away with it.
But come on!! If you are a guy with chicken legs... we don't need to know about it!!! In case you haven't noticed... skinny jeans make guys look feminine!!
I guess I will patiently have to wait for men to look like men again. maybe next year.

All in all a great road trip and a great show.
I'm planning on taking my boys next year. They would have enjoyed it.

And just to add a depressing note to a rather cheery post:
After I took my sister home... I thought for a brief moment "I wonder if Thayer waited up for me." I was ready to tell him about the concert....

when we sleep

So.... I've finally had a really vivid dream about Thayer. (that I can remember)

I had one dream shortly after he died.... where he showed up briefly at church, wearing his riding outfit, just to talk to me.... but then he disappeared when I wanted to show him off to friends.

But last night's dream was great. Completely random stuff... but that's what dreams are made of :-)
picture it:
Thayer's best friend, Norbert and his wife Betsy were here and we all visited a church together.
After leaving the church we came back to our house. My sis and her husband (S and C) pulled in the driveway behind us and wanted us to go out to eat.
S was dogging C about feeding their kids Starburst candy.
(I remember hugging Thayer alot during this dream.)
When we were getting ready to get back in the van, I hugged Thayer but he was REALLY tall. He was standing on his tip-toes just to mess with me. I looked up and he was smiling at me.
He then proceeded to say that he wanted to take his kids out to eat. We joked back and forth about "whose kids?!"
I smiled and said "whose been taking care of these kids while you've been gone?" He instantly agreed with me and said "I'd like to take your kids out" :-)
We were loading up the van and my alarm went off.
It was a lovely dream... but waking up to my reality was like getting punched in the gut.
oh yeah... just a dream.
But I can still feel the hugs.

I've done it!!

That's right folks!!

I have completed two house projects today!!

First project:
I caulked the bathtub!!! I am VERY proud of myself!
I only had to make one call to my contractor friend to find out how to "pierce the seal" on the tube.
(I know... you can laugh now.)
(and thanks Mike!... my other caulk gun had the needle thingy on it) :-)
Check out my handywork!!! I did a beautiful job in under 20 minutes :-)
And I will credit my fame to painters tape and my Pampered Chef scraper!!
(thanks sis for the PC idea!!.... very smart!!)

Second project:

I finally painted my living room wall!!! And I LOVE IT!

The color is called "Happiness". And it makes me happy. :-)

So there you have it. Two small projects but one giant step for me.

I think I'm gonna make it!

a great movie!!

I just saw the Benjamin Button movie. It was fantastic!!
Sort of a Forest Gump type of film. Long.... but fascinating!! :-)

I instantly knew that it was a blog worthy movie... but then I decided that I can't really say much because I don't want to tell the details of the story.

I caught alot of deep stuff in the storyline. Things may not have been intentionally deep but they were things that I could relate to, or things that reminded me of Thayer, or things that vaguely paralleled my own thoughts and life.
I just really liked it....

The film was a great reminder of how we need to LIVE life not only through the good times but also through the storms.
The process of Benjamin's backwards aging put a neat spin on how we should perceive life.

go see it!

A New Year

I was getting ready to post a blog with all of my prayers for the new year. But I just heard this song on the radio. And I think the lyrics could pretty much be my theme for the new year...

If you want to hear it... Dependence by Jamie Slocum but don't watch it. (it's corny)

Dependence

This is the life I’ve always wanted

To know the Prince of Peace

To feel my faith restored

As Your Grace surrounds me

This is the day of new beginnings

This is where my freedom starts

And now death has lost its sting

And Jesus how can I thank you?

Just to know, just to know that you love me

Gives me hope to carry on

What can this world do to me?

Just to know, just to know that you’re with me

On all these roads I traveled on

When all I have is gone

I confess my dependence on you

There is a lightness in my laughter

There is a joy inside my soul

My heart is overwhelmed

And Jesus how can I thank you?

chorus...

.....

You’re the one thing that I can turn to

.....

There’s nothing this world can do

I confess my dependence on you, Lord...

....

I'm a slow learner

So I've come across some mothering smarts today. And again, I wonder why it takes me so long to come up with these things!!

I have been pretty sick of hearing L argue about his clothes. On any given sunday, I ask them to get dressed.... with "no words and no pictures" on their shirts.
EVERY week- L comes out of his room with an old tie dyed t-shirt. I make him change and I usually drop the battle after he chooses a yellow or black t-shirt.
More recently, I have discovered that he really doesn't have much to choose from.

And most recently... here's the big revealation!!!.....I've learned that I simply need to remove all of the hideous clothes from the closet!!!
DUH!
So today, I went through L's closet and removed all of the shirts that I'm sick of seeing.
After inventory it appears that he has one long sleeve shirt.... (oops).... and several short sleeve shirts.
It'll be easy to get dressed when he only has a handful of things to choose from. haha.

I do plan on taking them both shopping for clothes tomorrow. (So no worries, grandma!)

Christmas Day

D just caught up on reading blogs with me, and he decided that my blog needs some pictures.
So enjoy a few photos that he picked out to share.
And D says "Hi!"

The boys look sharp in their new pjs from the CO Bothams.

The boys loved their presents on Christmas morning.

a list!!

I have made a small step today in regaining my sense of organization.
I have made a grocery list.

Before Thayer died, I would sit down each week and make a list of meals... and make a rockin' grocery list. I would then proceed to make one trip to the store and prepare the meals that I had planned throughout the week.

Honestly, I haven't cooked a meal since Thayer's death. (well...I have prepared Binner quite a few times)
Today.... D and I sat and came up with three meals that we could cook, and eat, this week. For us, this was a huge accomplishment!
Granted, we only came up with Taco Soup, bbq chicken sandwiches and hamburgers. But hey... it's a start!!
And we can't forget that Pizza will inevitably be a meal this week.
So I am proud to say that we have meals for 4 days this week. yay!!

If you have any ideas for healthy kid friendly meals... please send them my way!!

Christmas

Christmas Eve....
I sat and watched "The Christmas Shoes" on Lifetime.
Mistake.

I was pretty much okay until I gathered things and started to fill stockings. Then it really hit me that I was alone... filling stockings and watching Christmas movies. Really alone. My mind flooded with memories of past Christmases. And I pretty much lost it.
After the stockings were stuffed I sat in my floor by the Christmas tree and wept. I questioned God and questioned His plan for me and the kids. Why us? why now?
I think it was good for me to get out some of that frustration. I cried until the tears burned my cheeks and then I crawled into bed with my tissues.

Christmas day...
I heard the kids at 5am and successfully ignored them until they came to wake me at 6am. They granted me 9 more minutes of sleep before they insisted that I get out of bed to see the bounty from their stockings.
I handled the morning quite well until I realized that L's new Nerf gun needed batteries. and the little screwdriver I had was too little.
I cried.
Where was Thayer when I needed a man around? And where would Thayer have kept another screwdriver? I was a little defeated.
But, I was certain that Uncle Jim could save the day... so we saved the batteries for later. (Thank goodness for the men in my family!)

We had a nice "brunch" with my family. S and J gave us an amazing personalized Christmas ornament with our family pic on it. I was taken aback. What a lovely keepsake!

I think the best part of my day was the THREE hour nap that I took this afternoon. I really needed it. I suppose this Christmas has taken it's toll on me.

We proceeded to my aunt and uncle's house for Christmas dinner. We successfully stuffed ourselves silly and enjoyed seeing our family.
I can remember how much Thayer looked forward to that Christmas dinner each year. It was a bit odd not having him there with a huge plate full of meat and veggies. But overall the evening was lovely. We even enjoyed a bit of store-bought cheescake. (thanks Casey! haha)

So...if you were wondering... I have made it through my first Christmas without Thayer. It wasn't as easy as I had thought... but it wasn't as bad as other people had warned.
It just was.

becoming Anna

Like any good widow, I struggle with/ and wonder how long God will leave me in this "single" state.
As I was studying Jesus' birth tonight, I ran across the passage about the widow Anna.

Luke 2:36-38 says:
There was also a prophetess, Anna, the daughter of Phanuel, of the tribe of Asher. She was very old; she had lived with her husband seven years after her marriage, and then was a widow until she was eighty-four. She never left the temple but worshiped night and day, fasting and praying. Coming up to them at that very moment, she gave thanks to God and spoke about the child to all who were looking forward to the redemption of Jerusalem.

I have been getting good insights from Jon Courson's Application Commentary. This is what he has to say about Anna:

After losing her husband, Anna could have become bitter. Instead, she became better and blessed. Rather than simply becoming old and fatigued, she kept about her such a high degree of vitality and spirituality that she was chosen singularly of all women to be the prophetess who recognized Jesus as Messiah. Why? I believe the text gives three reasons...
Anna prayed to the Lord. She didn't give herself over to bemoaning her loss. Rather, she said, "I'm going to use my single state as an opportunity to give myself to God completely and wholeheartedly."
Anna looked for the Lord. Like Simeon, she lived in the anticipation of the coming Messiah.
Anna talked about the Lord. Not only did she worship like Simeon, but she spoke of Him to all that looked for redemption. So, too, if I am truly worshipping, I cannot help but witness and talk to people about the Lord.

Wow. I wonder what it would look like if I would strive to be become more like Anna...
"better and blessed"...

vacation!!

It's been a great start to my Christmas vacation.

on Saturday, I met an email friend for the first time and the boys and I went to our 'life group' Christmas party. We played Dirty Santa and I am now the proud owner of a bag of donuts. (Well, actually, my sister is now the owner...)

I headed to C-ville yesterday to have dinner with my favorite people. I spent the night with more favorite folks and enjoyed brunch this morning with my favorite gals.
My great friend, BWM, presented me with a scrapbook of lovely thoughts and stories written by Thayer's C-ville friends. What an amazing Christmas gift. I wept as I read through it last night. I loved reading about how others will remember Thayer.
nice stuff :-)

I absolutely LOVE road trips!!!
Going and coming from C-ville, I enjoyed singing and listening to all of my favorites from Andrew, Brandon, Francesca and Shawn.
A lovely drive.
I enjoy talking with God during my trips. He spoke to me by showing me a bumper sticker that read:
Don't believe everything you think.

so true.
I have been very doubtful about things lately and it's quite possible that Satan is deceiving me with crazy thoughts.
God reminded me that He is in control and that I just need to chill out.
He's been so good at reminding me in such gentle ways :-)

I'm looking forward to visiting with family and friends over the next two weeks!!!

The Story

okay. so andrew Peterson wrote on his blog about this really cool children's Bible.

The Jesus Storybook Bible.

And since he recommended it... I had to purchase it right away... :-)

It arrived the other day and I was so excited.

I sat to read it with the boys and they were hooked!! The storytelling is amazing. I have to make myself stop reading this at night. Otherwise I think I could read it all at once.

Here's just a taste of what's written by Sally Lloyd-Jones:

No, the Bible isn't a list of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne--everything--to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!

You see, the best thing about this Story is--it's true.

There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.

It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every Story in the Bible whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle--the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture.

What a great reminder for me!

I've had a few moments today when I lost a little of my hope.

And just reading this passage reminds me... again... that Jesus is my rescuer. He is my hope and my future.

I love this book!

what a ride

Tomorrow marks four calendar months since Thayer's death.
I just read through my personal journal entries from August through mid september.
Wow. I've come a long way... emotionally and spiritually.

I have gotten the hang of "being" without Thayer.
That may sound harsh... but it's true. I manage to breath, live and get through the day without him around. Our new normal isn't as painful as it could be. I am amazed at the strength that God has provided.

But don't get me wrong... I read my journal and wept. Those first responses to his death can be instantly relived. The reality of him really not being here can sink in, over and over. I still flash-back to those initial feelings and thoughts.

I can basically choose to wallow in those thoughts... or choose to turn and see God.
I have chosen to turn and see God... and it has been a wild ride.
I have experienced the deep pain of loss but also gained the amazing joy of surrendering my plans to God.
I have learned so much about faith and trust and hope.
I have learned that I can cry from sadness and sing praises to God simultaneously. (that amazes me!)
I have learned that God often sends encouragement from special people when I least expect it. And for that... I am truly thankful.

I know that I have a long way to go in my journey. I pray that I can keep focused on the road ahead of me.... while Jesus takes the wheel.

feet

I happened to find a post-it note that I had given to Thayer. I think he had been out of town on business or something...
It says:

If two lie down together, they will keep warm;

but how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:11

My feet missed you...

me too.

Jill

As most of you know... my feet have been FROZEN for months now. So it was very fitting that I run across this old note.
(I've been taking scalding showers at night... and I have new slippers... so things are improving.)

I am prayerful that God will let my feet be warmed again soon. ;)

Full Moon

I enjoyed a great Ladies Night this evening (friday night). 8 of us hung out and played Dirty Santa.
I am now the proud owner of 300 Fold-top sandwich bags.
Good times.

I thoroughly enjoyed being kid-free tonight.
My great friend, LT, and I went for an extremely late night walk. I love getting outdoors at night... it was a great night for a walk... clear skies and gorgeous weather.

LT and I were armed with our Mag-Lites... just in case. I'm pretty sure we could have blinded and bludgeoned anyone that bothered us ;-)

We saw a family of deer cross the road. I tried to get LT to stand in one spot.
If she would have been trampled by a deer, it would have been a great story for the blog. maybe next time.

anywho.
Upon returning home I realized that tonight is the official full moon. Exactly 4 moons since Thayer died. I can still remember the bright sleepless night of his death.
Tonight is very similar... but colder.
Just a reminder that the world keeps moving... seasons change...
And so do we.

It's interesting that I cried for about an hour this afternoon and then experienced such joy tonight. I continue to be amazed at how God created us. I am thankful for the full gamut of emotions that God allows us to experience.

weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5 b

the widow's oil

I have been listening to Andrew Peterson's Resurrection Letters CD... like a crazy person. I have chosen Andrew- over Christmas music- for days now.

In the song "All You'll Ever Need", AP refers to the story of the widow's oil from 2 Kings 4:1-7. (read it!)

Andrew sings:
The blood of Jesus, it is like the widow’s oil: it’s enough to pay the price to set you free. It can fill up every jar and every heart that ever beat. When it’s all you have it’s all you’ll ever need.

When I first heard this song, I couldn't get past the word "widow".... that was such an ugly word... that was me.
But I am learning more and more about how I can claim the story of the widow's oil for myself.

Yes, I'm officially a widow and my world has been tossed about....
But I've got all that I need!!
Jesus IS that oil that fills up my heart and sets me free!
When I keep focused on Him- I am free from doubt, free from worry, free from fear, free from loneliness, free from sadness.... just plain ol' free.

I must admit that I've been a mess of emotions for several weeks. I've been elated, confused, sad, angry, etc. etc.
But in the midst of all of these emotions, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've got all that I need. I know that God is in complete control of my circumstances and that I have nothing to fear.

I am counting on my jar of Oil to sustain me.

months

Well, it has happened.
I totally forgot to blog on week 15 and week 16 following Thayer's death.
I had wondered when I would lose track.
I was sure that every Saturday would bring me great sadness in remembering.
But I guess I have reached the point where the hurt has lessened.
In fact, I didn't even think about the accident yesterday... at all. It was just a normal old Saturday... a great day.
I'm wondering if I should be relieved that things are getting easier... or should I worry that I'm recovering too quickly?
I know that God mends hearts at different times and there is no "correct" time for one person to grieve. I'm praying that my heart will get mended sooner than later. There's alot of life left to live and I want to be able to enjoy it.

So as I am approaching the 4 month anniversary of my husband's death, I am given hope that things will get better.

still clinging...
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

the AP concert

I'm floating tonight.
The concert was amazing... and I'm continuing the worship here at home.

It's hard to sing and type at the same time, so please overlook any errors tonight. ;)

I've been looking forward to Andrew Peterson's show in Richmond for months!
My lovely bro-in-law called this afternoon to inform me that the concert was SOLD OUT.
And we didn't have tickets yet. (yep... poor planning and poor communication)
oops.
I was okay with the initial disappointment... because God has already taught me alot about changes in plans...

But I was also willing to do just about anything to get into that show.
My sister, my bro-in-law and I decided to make the 2 hour trek and try our luck at getting in.
I was ready to beg, plead, sneak in a back door, or whatever it took to see my man in concert.
I felt like some kid trying to get into a rock concert. I felt young and adventurous. :-)
Fortunately... we arrived early enough to snag extra tickets and we were in the door and ready for the show to begin. My friend from work was there too, and she saved us front row seats. nice.

I was pleasantly surprised when Andrew opened up by dedicating the song "More"..... to ME!!!
How very kind. Gotta love that guy!

I loved the show.... Andrew was joined by an amazing group of musicians. It was great to hear them individually and their combined talents produced a beatiful and powerful presentation.
Of course Andrew and his songs were my favorite :-)

We didnt stick around after the show but I sure would have liked to have given Andy a squeeze.
maybe next time ;)

Christmas is coming...

I realized this morning at church that the holidays are going to be way harder than I expected.

The Advent candle was lit and we sang Christmas songs.
My mind instantly flooded with the Christmas traditions that Thayer and I had started with the kids. I was reminded of all of the activities that Thayer initiated for our family during the month of December.
I'm sensing a big hole this year.

This evening, we returned to Thad's church for some family Advent activities. I was weary about going at first because I knew that it would be weird doing "family" activities when our family isn't complete. I decided that it's just the first of many Christmas activities that I'll need to do... for the kids and for myself.
It turned out being a great time of fellowship and both boys got to make a Nativity. We worked together as a family and I was glad that we went.

What I wouldn't give to have Thayer here for the fun this year. But I know that I've got to keep on living and enjoying this season with my boys.

Wishing that our family were complete, I find myself extremely agitated with folks that don't appreciate the families that they have! I am so disheartened when husbands or wives place their priorities on the wrong things. For goodness sakes, if you have a spouse and kids... everything should be put aside in order to celebrate this Christmas season with your family! Nothing is too important for you to miss precious time with your loved ones.
I have learned first hand how a "family" can be snatched out from under you in a moment. So please take my word for it and...put your priorities in order people!

Just a friendly rant from your neighborhood widow.

Happy Holidays.