not quite a thrill ride

Widowhood is a roller coaster. The ups and downs come whether you want them to or not. I'm learning to tighten the Harness and roll with it.

After Thayer's death, I kept thinking, "Surely God doesn't want me to be alone for the next 60 years! I really want to get remarried!"

Fast forward almost two years:

Just a few weeks ago, I confidently told a fellow widow that I was "content". We were discussing the hot topic of dating.
I had, over a period of time, come to accept the fact that I may never remarry.

Let's face it...I'm not out trying to pick up men... And I have absolutely NO desire to try the online stuff. I figure that if God wants someone to show up... He'll send someone my way.

My widow friend said something cute like, "you can't find what you're not looking for"... (or something like that)
She may have a good point... but I'll take my chances.

Sure enough... a few days after my "content" conversation... I had a weeping session thinking about how lonely I was.

I had to go back to my friend and tell her that I was a liar. Certainly not an intentional liar.
But just in a matter of days, the bottom dropped out and I was sent plummeting downhill. My contentness fell prey to loneliness.

And it's not the kind of loneliness that can be filled by extended family and friends.
And I'm not talking about intimate stuff either...(so get your mind out of the gutter!)

I'm talking about the loneliness that needs to stay up late and talk about mundane moments from her day...the loneliness that wants to be taken care of, the loneliness that needs a second opinion on house projects, the loneliness who needs help with household chores and meal ideas, and who aches for help disciplining the kids... because she never signed up to do this alone.
This is the kind of loneliness that misses having an escort from the basement to the bedroom after a scary movie (because you never know what might be hiding under the stairs!)
Missing a best friend. Missing the constant. Just missing.

So last night, this "content" gal started to earnestly pray for God to prepare a man for our family.
We'll see how it plays out.

the minions

The kids and I saw Despicable Me this afternoon.
The minions in this movie totally reminded me that I needed to blog about my karate meeting. Those of you who have heard my rendition of the karate minions will understand ;)

PLEASE NOTE: I absolutely LOVE the karate classes that my kids participate in. The instructor is FABULOUS! He does a wonderful job with the kids and I think he is an amazing guy. (seriosly, M.A... I think you're great!) ;)

Anywho.
It was time for me to have the meeting with the karate instructor about moving L into the “leadership” program. I had SO many questions, and a horrible feeling in my gut about the whole thing.
I had worked myself up into a tizzy of anxiety about the meeting. As I have blogged about in the past… this particular karate place relies on marketing and soliciting that I think is really creepy.
I typed a list of questions late one night and had them in hand so I wouldn't forget to address my concerns.
When I arrived, the master dude asked what the paper was for... and I said that it had questions for him. I mentioned that he could do his shpiel and then I'd ask. He proceeded to take the paper from me and answer the questions. Which was fine until I remembered that I had written my own personal 'notes to self' along with the questions.
oops.
I think he especially liked where I typed "the whole timeshare talk is sketchy".
haha
I shared my irritation with some of... well...all of their methods. And I must admit that he was SUPER professional about it and he was kind and gracious even though I called his business practices sketchy and creepy.
And I am so relieved that i had typed "sketchy" because I usually refer to it as "sleazy". :-)
I must say that he is really good at what he does. And he was so nice about things.
I left the meeting with a weight lifted and my bank account still in the black.
I declined the leadership program because I figured it would make more sense to buy groceries, clothes, school supplies... or a car... rather than extend our time with the karate studio.

I'm thinking Boy Scouts for the fall. Anyone know of a good troop in the area??

fishing camp

Last week, upon my search for a fishing experience for my boys…
They were invited to attend the Fishing Camp at
One Body In Christ Ministries. This invitation was a huge, unexpected blessing for my kids.
So this past week, the boys were able to enjoy a week of fishing… and ultimately a week full of “boy” stuff.
This, accompanied by lessons on the armor of God, made for a great summer experience for the kids.
Thanks to Dave and Angela at OBIC!! I am so encouraged by their love of people and their desire to share Christ with the community. Please check them out and think about supporting their ministry!



While they were fishing it up... I managed to breeze through an entire kid-free week by running errands, meeting up with friends, and helping my sister paint. It's amazing how quickly time passes.
The kids were at camp most days from 8:30-5:30 so I got a taste of what it would be like to have my kids in full time day care. It was kinda sad. We probably only saw each other for 2.5 hours each day. But some of that time was spent at karate class, or they were out with the neighborhood kids before bedtime.
It was a great week overall... but I'm not sure if it would be enjoyable on an ongoing basis. I think I'm becoming a softie in my old age :)

The hot weather this weekend has allowed for us to have some "recovery" time. Yesterday we lounged around at my parent's house and enjoyed a meal with the family.
Summer is coming to an end too quickly. I think we'll make the most of what free time we have left...

overload

I must admit that I'm on blogger overload. I have recently come upon a gazillion blogs written by widows and widowers. It's too many to delve into right away but I hope to peruse through them at my leisure.
One particular blog contains links to atleast 100 other "widow blogs". And when you visit those blogs... they have links to more blogs. It's insane!

The one thing that is confirmed as I thumb through the list.... that there is no timeline of grief. I'm learning that people who experienced the death of a spouse in 2005 are still writing about their grief journey.
After reading these other blogs I am encouraged to blog down my grief road as I see fit. I think I had toned it down a bit because I'm pretty sure that people were getting sick of my blabbering.

Truth is...I'm pretty content with my life right now, but there is still a HUGE hole where Thayer used to be. So if you see more blogs about him... it's because I'm giving myself permission to "go there" more often.

And please keep a check on my favorite blog links over in the right column. I'll be updating it with my favorites as they come along.

love love love andrew

Andrew's latest album, Counting Stars, releases on July 27th!!
Click here to pre-order! you won't regret it!



(click on the video to go to YouTube... for the full size version. not too sure why my blog won't fit it all)

it's an art

It's an art that I'm slowly developing this summer. And a technique that will be scratched when the wheels of reality start turning this fall.

It's the art of napping.

I used to be, quite frankly, ticked off at the fact that Thayer could simply sit down at any time of day and close his eyes for a quick nap. I used to think, "how can he sleep when there is SO much to be done around here?!"
He was the kind of guy that worked hard and then rested well. Looking back, I wonder what ever gave me the right to question how he spent his down time?
He had mastered the art of working his ass off and then consciously taking a break.
He was able to sit with a good book or simply lay on the couch and doze amidst the chatter of little people at his feet.

The only fault with my new napping routine is that I am not working hard. For the past two weeks, I have done nothing. absolutely nothing. It's a rare moment in time where I want to relish in the fact that I am free to read or sleep as I want to.
I've had friends over late at night and my bedtimes have been whacked....so the little dozes during the day seem to make sense.

I managed to take a cat nap a few minutes ago and i was rudely interrupted by requests for an afternoon at the lake. I quickly succumbed and peeled myself off of the couch to make some lunch.
Afternoon at the lake... here we come :-)

gotta love summer!

Halloween in July

yeah, I know it's supposed to be "Christmas in July". But I'm just not a Christmas person.
Wow. don't take that as a statement of not liking Jesus' birthday. I really am super glad that Jesus was born. But I'd rather not have the choatic frenzy that has become "Christmas". I'd be happy with skipping straight from Halloween to Easter. Everything else in between seems so MUCH.

All of that said.
It's July 13th and the halloween cookies are in the oven.
I accidentally overstocked on the halloween funfetti cake mix and orange icing last fall. (There are nifty instructions for cookies on the side panel)
Thinking back, I'm not really sure it was an accident. Perhaps I subconsciously stocked the pantry so I could secretly have a dose of orange at other times of year.

July is usually the time I start contemplating halloween and EVERY July I say "I'm not doing a party this year". And every july, someone says... "but you will".

Thayer used to be the one who would say "it'll happen".
Early in our marriage, he didn't understand my love for all things pumpkin. But as the years passed... he either played along to make me happy... or I think he secretly started to enjoy it as much as me! :-) So every July, we'd chat about a party and ultimately he would say that it was a go.

So the story continues:
Last week, as I was sitting on the beach with another pumpkin lover, we started chatting about our annual halloween parties.
I said "I don't think I'll do a party this year"
and she said...
"you will".

It's inevitable, I think. We'll see.
But just in case... I've got the date marked on my calendar :)

lingering

My vacation mindset is still lingering, even after two days of re-enty to normal life.
Tonight I am wondering... could this actually be our current "normal"?
The house is still clean from my pre-beach cleaning, the bills are paid, it's rainy outside... and I technically don't have anything to do!! This is a rare miracle.
The kids are out, at every chance, galavanting around the neighborhood. And I am left alone to question myself about what to do next.
Yesterday, church was followed by a three hour nap and a trip to Walmart.
Today, I curled up with a biography of Hudson Taylor. I had ordered this "must read" from Amazon... and it arrived just in time for this rainy day.
I must have quickly realized what a huge fan I am of historical biographies... because I was out cold by the 3rd chapter. It was a great day for another nap.
I peeled myself out of bed in time for Kids Haven. And things went well.
I think I could get used to this. It's been a nice few days.
:-)

beachin' it.

We’ve been beachin’ it up this week with some friends. The weather has been amazing and we have enjoyed the surf and the sound. It’s been a nice time that is drawing to an end too quickly.

I’ve been thinking about how our vacation buddies have been so kind and inclusive of us. It is so refreshing to have friends that accept me and my boys… as a package. They take the good with the bad and go out of their way to make us feel like part of their family.

entertainment

I saw Eclipse tonight. It did not disappoint. It was the best out of the three. I was glad to have re-read the book this week (the only book I have EVER read twice)...and the movie was "right on".
Gotta love me some Jacob :)

On a more serious entertainment note, I just finished reading Little Bee by Chris Cleave. This novel really spoke to me. It was beautiful, yet disturbing. I can't seem to get some of the scenes and phrases out of my head. I am reminded about how selfish we are. So many of Little Bees observations about 'our world' were a brash reminder of our excesses. This novel was a good reminder that we are SO blessed... but we are so rotten.
I'm convicted.

You must read the book.

(Any suggestions for my next literary venture? My nightstand is empty!)

anticipated meltdown

so... below I bragged about how wonderful things have been going. And they have!! I'm thrilled with our summer! I am excited that I am out making memories with the kids. I don't regret one second.

but...as I have posted... (until you are completely tired of reading it)... my environment totally affects my mood.

I've been pretty proud of myself over the past few weeks, as I've totally ignored my home environment. The utter chaos behind the closed doors hasn't bothered me because we have rarely been home.
I have showered with the same spider for about a week now. I've noticed the spider's brothers take up residence all over the house... and I just glance and smile at them as I head out the door.
(One spider has taken refuge on our kitchen counter. ha. what does that say about my use of the kitchen?!)
The cat has been wallowing on about 20 crow feathers that are littered down the hallway. (a gift for the cat from our trip to the parkway).
Things are bad. really bad.

Tonight, I allowed the boys to stay up late and watch a movie. I ventured into our basement family room. This was only my second visit into that room since Easter. That room is frightening in many ways. It has become the pit of despair for every small toy and random part in the universe, and the resting place of every stink bug in the northern hemisphere.
I decided that I would start to tackle what I could.
I easily filled a trash bag with whatever I deemed to be trash. And I put the few remaining things into their designated storage containers. It wasn't too hard... since I deemed pretty much everything to be trash :)
The thing that pushed me over the edge was to witness the Wii controllers, remotes, discs, batteries, etc... scattered all over the floor as well. Do these kids realize how much money all of those things cost?! Well, if not... they were fully educated tonight. I was ticked!
I also uncovered three...1, 2, 3... piles of cat puke that had been there HOW long?!
My kids are disgusting. (yes, the cat is too)

We are gearing up for a yard sale toward the end of summer. It'll be one of those sales where "everything must go!" Perhaps our junk could be your junk :-)
I'll keep you posted once we set a date. I've decided that all proceeds will be going to Comfort Zone Camp.

52 days

My kids needed to know how many days before school started so that they could figure out how much of their summer homework they would need to do each day.
I'm amazed that we have 52 more days of freedom! (and that's just until registration.)
They have been out of school for 2 weeks but I feel like we've accomplished a summer's worth of activities already!
It's been an exciting whirlwind of activity.
We've been to the pool several times, a ballgame, karate, the lake, cookouts, the drive-in, hung out with family, visited friends, etc.
The great thing is that the three of us have been getting along wonderfully!!!
I realize that being out of school and work has done wonders for our attitudes.
I really hope that this summer will be a time of healing and that we can ease back into the school routine gracefully in the fall.

All three of us had meltdowns at some point today. It had been anticipated. (see post above) It is clear that tomorrow will be mandatory naptime for everyone. We'll rest up for the full week ahead of us.
More fun in the sun :-)

designer neighborhoods

Yesterday, I headed out for a walk. I was armed with the iPod... which I soon discovered was dead. Probably having something to do with the fact that I left the power on all night. hmmm.
So I was left with my thoughts for the journey.

Some of you can picture the neighborhood where I walk.
(It's not my neighborhood.)
It's the kind of neighborhood that was designed for "community". The houses are fancy and close together. Each with their own quarter size yard and pretty landscaping. Each house is equipped with a spacious porch, adorned with plush patio furniture. The kind of porch that screams... "sit on me! have a cold one and chat with your friends!"
It's the kind of neighborhood that is supposed to encourage the "community" of long ago.

What a joke.

Many times I pass through... not a soul in sight. Deserted empty driveways. Sealed doors and closed blinds.
My thoughts start to climb onto my soapbox about our selfish society. I get disheartened about young couples who get themselves dependent on two salaries... those who have made the decision to work their butts off and have the absolute best of everything... the new cars, the big house.
A great house...but they are rarely at home. A tidy yard that their children rarely play in.
I could go on and on....

anywho. on this particular day... I was rather high and mighty on my box, while walking on the silent street.
In the distance I heard a low hum of a lawn mower. I wondered if people in designer neighborhoods actually did their own yard work. Then, as I rounded the corner, I saw him.

It was a young Dad (good looking and shirtless) with a baby... in a baby-backpack... pushing a lawn mower. At that moment, all of my gripes faded and I felt as if everything were right in the world again.
I'm not sure where the rest of his communtiy was...
but seeing that lone guy and his kid made everything okay for me.
It was refreshing that someone had priority to be at home, with their kid, in their yard, in the designer neighborhood.

something to consider...

support this cool guy! buy this book!

www.thebarefootbook.com

summer days

The boys returned from Comfort Zone Camp on Sunday. They were exhausted. But they had an awesome time. They are already psyched about going again next year.

Monday was our first official day of summer. We lunched with our family and then hit the city pool with friends.
What a great way to start our vacation. :-) I have a feeling that we'll be spending lots of time at the pool this summer.

(and for the record: Our city pool is GREAT! We've had wonderful experiences at that pool for the past two years. I've seen no evidence of gang violence and everyone pretty much behaves themselves. So don't hate on the pool! PLEASE come and hang with us!)

Tonight, it was a special treat, that L's 2nd grade teacher took both boys to a highschool ball game. I met them afterwards for some icecream. This teacher guy has taught both of my boys and I am very thankful for the impact he has had in their lives. Just fantastic!

During my free time at home this evening, I took a walk and then I hunkered down to do some writing.
(Ha. that sounds funny. )
Let's just say that I attempted to piece together a bit of my story as an entry into a writing contest.
The thought of entering a writing contest is almost humorous to me but I've decided to give it a shot.

I've been going back and reading some of my posts in the months following Thayer's death. I am amazed at some of my thoughts. Looking back, I am certain that the Holy Spirit gave me many of those words. It was a unique time for me in that I felt super close to God and I was open and willing to hear what he wanted to teach me. Many of those posts were clearly God speaking TO me and through me.

More lately, when I blog, I seem to be lacking that divine intervention. It's interesting to see what I am capable of hearing from God in times of trial... and then wondering if, and why, I don't hear as clearly now. Why is it that we tend to tune out God's voice when things are going "okay"?

I've been asking God to make me passionate about something. Just as I was passionate about sharing my immediate journey of grief, I would like to be just as passionate about sharing the good things that God is blessing me with currently.
We'll see how it goes.

As for now... I'm reveling in the fact that summer is upon us and I can sleep later than usual :-)

ahhhhh.....

my birthday

My 30th birthday has come once again.
The festivities began yesterday when the family came over for pizza and icecream cake.
Since my birthday party day is a nationally recognized holiday, I partook in caffeine free Dr. Pepper during the festivities.

This morning... feeling not a day older than 29, I took the kids to school and took a walk.
Upon returning to my house I was greeted by a surprise 6 pack of my favorite fruity beverage and some beautiful flowers. Perfect!
I enjoyed a lunch out with another friend while we anticipated an upcoming girl's weekend.
Hair trim and Walmart shopping fit in there somewhere.
And upon returning home, the second time, I was greeted with balloons, streamers and bubbles, (real bubbles not a "bottle of bubbly") hehe. ( I was starting to see a pattern here) ;)

My mom called this morning to remind me just how much weight I have gained since birth. (not really... she reminded me of my birth time and weight).... and my Dad stopped by to sing his annual "Happy Birthday" song.
I love my parents :)

My birthday dinner was consumed at Jersey Mikes with credit given to the Jersey Mike's email club. (coupon for a free sandwich and drink on your birthday!) And since my actual birthday is nationally recognized as well, I enjoyed a Pepsi in memory of Thayer.
(Jersy Mikes is special to our family because we used to eat there every Sunday after church...)

On a side note, I feel the need to brag on my kids tonight. We are really getting into our itunes. They've made playlists entitled "D Man" and "hip hop boy". And while other people brag on their kids for singing worship music in the car... I was particularly impressed as I listened to the kids belt out "Coyotes" on the way home tonight.
But please don't get me wrong... these kids usually rock out to TobyMac and Hawk Nelson... in which I am way prouder of :)

All in all... a great day!
thanks to everyone who made my day special! :0)

small accomplishments

-I just taught myself how to use itunes. I know, that's pretty lame. I had dabbled with it back when D purchased an ipod, (christmas of '08) but never really knew about how to do the playlists. (I blame it on my grief brain at the time.) Ever since, I have felt like an old mom who couldn't even supply her kids with music. But I'm happy to report that tonight it was rather simple to download some CDs and purchase a few hippity-hoppity songs.
I'm determined to have some rockin' tunes when I walk in the morning.
Oh yeah... and I'm ready to teach D how to make his own playlist :-)

-Since I've been out of work, I have been walking 2.5 miles each day and I've also been taking care of the scheduled appointments. Today the cat went to the vet. I sat in the waiting room for about an hour and had to listen to some old ladies talk about their dogs. I am amazed that people are pretty much convinced that their animals are human. I know that pets are great... but they are PETS! not people!! Luckily a cute young guy came in and briefly distracted me. We had a nice little chat.
If any of you know a guy named Adam, that works at a funeral home in Appomattox... please tell him to give me a call!! ;) seriously.

-I had a great evening with my widowed friends. It's so nice to have an evening free of responsibilities. Time to hang out and laugh with people who can relate. It's a great group of gals :-)

Tomorrow: walk, cut grass, find something really exciting to do, and prepare for D's friend to sleepover.

you know who you are....

A special little treat for some of my special friends.
ALMOST makes me feel bad about getting rid of my van. but not really. not at all.
:-)

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in the news

I'm encouraged to see that CZC is starting a good conversation with the media.

Check out this article in the Wall Street Journal.