5 weeks

yep, I need to mention that it has been five weeks (as of sept. 20).

feels like a gazillion trillion minutes.
feels like just yesterday.

my roller coaster thoughts for today...

I have been looking at some family photos of our boys when they were younger.
Tonight, I found some elementary school photos of Thayer.
Looking at my own kids and looking at Thayer's younger self has been sad.

The innocent smile of all three children is sort of heart breaking.
What young child ever expects to grow up and loose a father?.... or die an early death? So much has been left undone for all three of them. Dreams and hopes are forever changed.
Thayer would never in a million years imagined that he would leave behind his young children. He had great plans of raising those boys. He had experienced the pain of loosing parents and he wanted to make sure that his boys had a loving, stable Dad.

My heart breaks over the things that he won't be able to teach the kids. All of the wisdom and common sense that he could have provided for them throughout the years. All of the "man" stuff that he would have eloquently passed along.

I'm not sure why I even worry about Thayer. I know that he is perfectly ecstatic about being with Jesus. And I realize that it's just us who have to deal with the "change in plans".

Earlier today I heard the song "I can only imagine" by Mercy Me.

Surrounded by Your Glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you, Jesus? Or in awe of You, be still? Will I stand in Your presence, or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing 'Hallelujah!'? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine! I can only imagine!

yep, we can only imagine what it will be like to meet Jesus face to face...
but I am SO happy for Thayer!!! He has done it! And I'd LOVE to know his first reaction upon seeing Jesus! The rest of us can "only imagine"... but my hubby is currently kicking back with the King of Kings.
That's pretty cool.

I need to remember that Thayer's not sad about dying... because he knows the rest of the story. We are the ones who are left sad and lonely.
I know that there is more to the story. And I know that God is in control. I may have many questions for Him when I get where I'm going, but for now, I am clinging to my hope of the future He has promised.

We are going to get through this.

last night: a 12 tissue night

This whole grieving thing has been very interesting to me.

I am amazed at what triggers the tears.
Last night began another one of those "firsts" without Thayer.
6 years ago, last night, I was in labor with L.
As I recalled the memories of the birthing experience I wept uncontrollably over the fact that Thayer and I, alone, had experienced L's birth... and he is no longer here to relive that with me. His perspective on the event has vanished. Our memories are now just my memories. His unique take on our circumstances is no longer.
I don't even think I can effectively explain the void that there is....I just know that I feel such a deep void where Thayer ought to be.

I took cupcakes to L's class this afternoon and almost "lost it" when they sang Happy Birthday. Another moment with void... his son's birthday.
I pulled myself together by remembering that birthdays are HAPPY!! L is growing so quickly. A huge reason why I need to celebrate these moments and try to love my boys well!!

as a bonus:
What I remember about Labor. (and my funny husband) :0)
I started having contractions around 10pm. I mentioned this to Thayer who said, "Why don't we just go to bed, get some sleep, and then go to the hospital in the morning". :0)
To him, and me (at the time) that made perfect sense because my labor with D had been LONG.
so... Thayer went right to sleep :0) and I just couldn't. My contractions continued to progress. We're talking really progressing. I can remember being on my hands and knees in our office, laboring. I kept this up for a while until I finally woke that husband up :o) and insisted that we head to the hospital.
L was born at 4:32am on september 18th. One of the best days of our lives. :0)

He is the Lord; let him do what is good in his eyes. (1 Samuel 3:18)

If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see! Perhaps the circumstances causing my sorrows will not be removed and my situation will remain the same, but if Christ is brought into my grief and gloom as my Lord and Master, He will "surround me with songs of deliverance" (Ps. 32:7). To see Him and to be sure that His wisdom and power never fail and His love never changes, to know that even His most distressing dealings with me are for my deepest spiritual gain, is to be able to say in the midst of bereavement, sorrow, pain and loss, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised" (Job 1:21).
Hannah Whitall Smith

catching up

I have found the time today to catch up on a few little things around the house. And for those little things, I am happier tonight.

Thayer learned early on in our marriage that if the house got "out of order"... that I would start to get really agitated and angry. I guess if my environment is out of control...than so am I. (go figure).
I would get tickled because every once in a while, I would watch him start to straighten up in a mad dash. He seemed to know when I was ready to snap and he would step in and quickly calm the mood.
I am so thankful that he knew me so well.

All of that to say...today I had to pull it together on my own. I still have a ton of things to do but this is a start.

I was forced to wash my comforter today after the cat threw-up on it. That was nasty. But now all is clean and sanitary.

I finally pulled myself together enought to make a page of family pictures to share with my preschool class. Next week we will talk about our families...

Tonight we picked up the playroom a bit. I finally put all of the cushions back on the couch and we are able to walk through the room. That is exciting.

I have washed three loads of laundry today. (thanks to the comforter and sheets that needed attention).

I have managed to piddle around enough that I feel like I have time to blog... hmmm.
I must be doing okay.

better nights

As many of you know, our bedtime routines have been whacked since Thayer's death.
Both boys had been used to having family devotions, reading, praying with each parent individually... and utimately... Thayer laid, prayed, and talked to each of them, each night.
So obviously, we've been struggling with re-establishing a routine.

I know that several of our friends have been praying for our evenings....and I praise God for everything he has been doing to sustain us each day!!
I have seen improvement over the last two nights.
They have both been asleep by 9:30. (which sounds late but it's WAY better than the last few weeks!!)
Tonight I was able to talk to each of them about something they remembered about their dad. L said that "He liked to play baseball with us." And daniel said "He was a good mechanic."

I also went on to ask them what they remembered about the day that Daddy died. They were pretty clueless about the morning events but seemed to remember the events immediately prior to the trooper visit.
I enjoyed reminding them about our morning at the market, etc. etc. They were surprised that it all happened on the same day :-) (me too.)
I was very relieved that both boys were open and willing to talk tonight. I hope it is a hint of what's to come. I am praying that both boys will be able to talk freely about their thoughts and concerns.

I think we are on the right track. :-)
please continue to pray...

4 weeks

It's been four weeks. Tonight has been sad.

We ventured to Target this evening. The Halloween things that usually make me ecstatic didn't quite hold the thrill that they usually do. Dont' get me wrong... I still got that warm bubbly feeling about the Fall/Halloween merchandise BUT
I kept remembering that Thayer won't be around to experience this season with us.
He never understood my fascination with Halloween but over the years I noticed how he became more supportive and I even think he looked forward to it every year. We had even started planning our "pumpkin party" shortly before he died.

Even though tonight has been difficult, I am excited to carry on with my fall plans.

In the midst of my grief I am finding things to be thankful for. One of those things is FALL!!! I can't think of a better season. God has blessed us with a beautiful climate. I love that we are able to experience all four seasons in our area.

I know that as the days cooled down, Thayer would have been looking forward to rides on the parkway and hiking with the boys. And I was certain that I could convince him to go camping again. I was even prepared to help do some of the work this time :-)
I am crying at the thought that we will never camp as a family again.
(I wonder if there is camping in heaven? It's nice to know that camping conditions are perfect... and sleeping in a tent is probably enjoyable up there) hehe.

side note:
I attended the Extraordinary Women's conference with my friends L,M,L and K. I was so encouraged that the "theme verse" for the conference was Jeremiah 29:11!!!! That is MY verse! I have been clinging to those words each day! I was encouraged by the speakers and the songs.
This has been a constant reminder that God LOVES me! He is speaking to me daily. I am blessed.

more busy work

I'm sure not everyone cares but I'm happy to check off another chore from my lonnnnng to-do list.
I happily wrote a check to the funeral home, wrote a letter to the medical examiners office... requesting "all reports" and wrote a friendly reminder to the trooper... reminding him that I would like to have a copy of the accident report.

If is wasn't for all of this death related "business", I may have been in bed right now. But I'm signing off and hitting the sack.
I'm so glad that tomorrow is Friday!!! :-)

This day

I just had great thoughts written about this fateful day in history... but upon proof reading, they really didn't make any sense.
So I have decided to spare you the time :-)

Just know that I was thinking about all those poor people who lost family members on that day. And how they have to deal with a very publicized anniversary of their loved one's death. I'm not sure how those folks handle it all.

The market

I drove by the market today and lots of emotions came flooding back...


It was a Saturday morning and Thayer had been wanting to go to the community market for quite a while. So as late morning approached, we loaded up the kids and headed downtown. I remember that my knees were sore (from jogging... but that's another story), so we avoided the steps from the parking lot and headed up the sidewalk on Main Street. Thayer held my hand while the kids ran along the brick wall ahead of us. We crossed over to the market.
It was the boy's first time and they were fascinated with the layout of things and they were REALLY interested in all of the crafts from the local vendors. They moved quickly from vendor to vendor... wanting to buy all of the really expensive stuff.
Thayer ended up picking out a watermelon to purchase. He also bought one eggplant that he was interested in frying....just to try out something new.
On the way out, we were interested in buying a chicken from some folks at church (who sell their products at the market). Since we were there later than most market people, they only had "big" chickens left. Thayer mentioned that it was worth trying atleast once and he proceeded to buy a $16 chicken!! He was planning to throw that bird into a crockpot and cook up a good meal.
We headed home to an afternoon of hanging out and working in the yard. He finally bought stones to put around our trees to replace the mulch and cat poop that had collected. (our neighbor cats had claimed our area as a litter box! ugh!)
He admited to me that he finally caved in and went to get the stones because I had been nagging him for weeks. :-)
I was so excited that we had started with the stones and I was so thankful for his work that afternoon.

Thayer went out that day, on his motorcycle, and got a hair cut. He was looking sharp. He also brought home the cake mix, icing and icecream for his birthday. We would be celebrating with my family the next day. He had insisted upon a German chocolate cake.
For dinner, I cooked Ravioli and I forgot that we (I) needed bread to go with it. He jumped on his motocycle and picked up breadsticks from The Upper Crust.
We all sat for dinner, together.
After dinner, Thayer said that he could either go downstairs and work on fixing a window... or go for a ride.
I encouraged him to go riding. He had worked hard that afternoon and I know how much he loved riding. It was a beautiful day for it. So he went.
A few hours later, I had baked his birthday cake. Daniel was working on school papers and I had just swiped the last bit of icing onto the cake when the doorbell rang.

"Mommy, there are police officers at the door."
I turned the corner to see those two troopers with those big hats and I knew instantly.
No more family trips to the market, no more family dinners, no more birthdays for Thayer.
And I've still got that chicken in my freezer.

whew.

I think I am officially tired and ready for bed... before 12:30am... that is probably a good thing.

I worked this AM, had lunch with my sisters, endured a tele-meeting with the life insurance company, and headed to Kids Haven tonight.

(I just realized that I have not blogged about my good friend J whose fiance commited suicide just three days after Thayer was killed. That could be a whole 'nother post but for the sake of her privacy, I choose not to post much more about her experience...
except for the fact that she and her daughter went to Kid's Haven with us...
and except for the fact that we are convinced that God put us in the same situation, at the same time, for a reason. It's just amazing that we are facing such great losses, together.)

anywho-
Kids Haven was an interesting experience.
I think it is such a cool program because it is funded by community people. This evening we enjoyed a great meal that was provided by the Kiwanis Club. SOOOO nice to have another meal that I didn't have to cook! :-)
I was also encouraged to see how many "facilitators" were there... as strictly a volunteer thing. What a neat group of people.
When we broke into age groups, D and L were in different groups and J and I went with the adults.
Afterward, the kids seemed happy and we were "okay" with the adult group. There were weird moments of silence (which I'm not used to, obviously). But overall, it seems like a nice group of folks. I'll be curious to see how the dynamics are after I get used to them :-)
Surprisingly, there were not too many children there. It made me wonder if we were really this alone in our circumstances or perhaps other people just don't use that organization. Still enough people but not nearly as many as I had thought. Just the right size to get to know people. So that is promising.

three weeks

well. The locked doors and no phone held me over till about noon. It was SO nice to sleep late and hang out around the house.
But by late morning, the kids and I got the idea to go to the movies. Which was a GREAT idea since I think every weekend will be booked from now till the end of October.
We went with my bro-in-law and neice to see "The Clone Wars" but after we purchased tickets and food, the power went out.
We got our money back and headed to the dollar movies.
We needed to waste some time until another movie started so we went to Hardees for snacks. Then we saw "Kung Fu Panda" which was great! I really enjoyed a light hearted cartoon after dealing with so much funk.

I did notice the empty seat next to me and thought about how Thayer and I used to hold hands at the movies.
I really miss his hands.

Overall, we had a nice relaxing day. Just time to hang out and not be stressed about details.

It's hard to believe that it's been three weeks since Thayer's death. Still feels like yesterday and still feels like months. Time has been such a blur.
I can remember the sleepless night of three weeks ago and I am SO thankful that God has been giving me restful sleep. I pray that it continues.
night-night:-)

tears

I am at a loss as to what to write tonight. I'm not sure how to put my thoughts into paragraphs...

-I am tearful and heart broken of the fact that D and L probably won't remember their Daddy.
-Thayer had such great plans for his boys and I am sad that no one will be able to teach them in the same way that Thayer taught. Thayer was a great teacher. so patient. so calm.
-I am struggling with the fact that I can't hear Thayer's voice....
-I am worried about how we will remember him. Only through pictures? Through stories? I am so afraid that we will forget all of the little things that made him so special.
-I am thankful for people who have shared stories about Thayer. I am encouraged that he made an impact on so many people... in many different ways.
-I'm lonely. I miss his presence.
-I'm overwhelmed.
-I want to lock my doors tomorrow and take the phone off the hook....just to have one quiet day... the first in three weeks.
-wow. three weeks. tomorrow.
-I'm afraid of the fact that this grieving thing will probably get worse before it gets better.
-Will I love my boys well? Will I help them through this process?
We're going to Kids Haven on Monday. I hope it will be helpful for us all.
-I'm just tired.

the beginning

My good friend and coworker, E, brought dinner to us tonight. She put the boys to work making their own pizzas and cookies. She's so smart.
anywho... she asked about how Thayer and I met.
For those of you who don't know... here's the story as it is written in our first scrapbook...

The Story of Us

Thayer and I met during the fall of 1997, while working at Old Virginia Candle Company in Lynchburg. I was working in the office and Thayer was hired to work in the factory with approximately 30 women. Before Thayer ever showed up for work, or anyone had seen him, I jokingly said that he "was mine". We finally crossed paths. I introduced myself as the "self appointed welcoming committee" and handed him a lollipop. (This gesture seemed to impress him).

Shortly after several brief chats at the time clock, Thayer agreed to go ice skating with me, Jamie and Cathy! We traveled to Roanoke in Jamie's jeep. Thayer survived an evening with the girls, including our traditional singing with a brush (as a mircrophone).

The next day was Thanksgiving. Thayer's Grandparents were out of town so I asked Thayer to join our family for Thanksgiving. Thayer braved Thanksgiving at Froggie's house with the Gowells and Rosenbergers. After the exposure to my friends and family... he was still interested in me! Thayer and I went out riding the next day. We drove on the parkway and enjoyed some hiking. He also taught me how to drive a 5-speed truck.

I was already hooked onto his friendly personality, his charm, his patience, etc. etc.

I was starting to see a future with this lovely man...

wednesday

Here I am again. Another super busy day with hardly any time to reflect upon our loss.
I know that as I head to bed and my mind starts to settle... I will remember.
I will remember how I looked at L tonight and thought about what it must be like to loose a Dad.
Thayer was supposed to be here as they grew up,became teenagers, went to college, had girlfriends, got married, etc etc etc etc.
Thayer was supposed to be here, get old, retire and travel around the country with me. We had joked about living in an RV and hitting the open road.

So many roads left untraveled.

When I drive around town, I wonder what road God has planned for me. What will life be like a year from now? 5 years from now? What will life be like tomorrow? I am curious to find out His plans. I can't fathom anything better than what I had envisioned. Instead, I am forced to wait and see what roads God has mapped out for us.

Breathe

I think I just realized that I may need to take some time in the near future to just BREATHE.
I have been amazingly busy with everything for days and days. We've been doing the school and work thing. And when I'm not visiting with friends or family, I pace around the house, fiddle with paperwork, sort through all the "business" stuff that attached itself to Thayer's death, etc. etc.

Not only that, but now I've gone and gotten myself into Facebook. Whew. What am I thinking? I suppose that I will have to set a timer for myself so I don't get sucked back in to the computer craziness.

Just thinking about everything that I'm trying to process makes it clear to me why I am agitated and short of breath when I'm out in public.
I went to Walmart today and it just felt weird! I'm thinking through all of my thoughts while everyone else just carries on with life as usual. How weird to think that I'm walking around with my wedding rings on and no one has a clue about what we're going through. I look just like everyone else running errands.

Perhaps all of those normal looking people are deeply hurt about their own situations as well. I suppose that we all carry burdens and I need to realize that I'm not the only one.
It's just hard to handle the normalness of it all when my life has become far from "normal."

Labor Day

I am in awe of what I experienced today.
I experienced a kind of love and encouragement that portrayed, at it's finest, the Body of Christ.

This morning, family arrived, a friend and his landscaping crew arrived, my wonderful friends from C-ville arrived, and two neighbors arrived and went to work on several projects that needed to be done around the house and yard.
By lunchtime, the wives and kids had arrived from C-ville... meaning the place was buzzing with activity.
I absolutely LOVE surrounding myself with these folks. I couldn't ask for a better "community" of friends.

Words cannot express how much I appreciate all of the projects that were completed. I am humbled, appreciative, in awe, and SO grateful for everything. I am just overwhelmed with it all!

But more so than the projects, I was so happy to see smiling faces and friends together for the day. Friends that we so willing to go "above and beyond" !
I sure wish that Thayer was here to see it all. He would have been encouraged to see so many people tackling the projects that had been left undone.

The most painful memory of the day: I sure wish that I had the video camera rolling...
Several of the guys worked on completing the zip-line that Thayer had started out back. During the process they managed to rack up a list of injuries. I think the list included of a hurt knee, a hurt foot, several scrapes, probably many bruises, and most likely a mild concussion.
They took some pretty hard falls and jolts while trying to make things safe for the kids. I am forever indebted to the men, who sacrificed their ability to get out of bed tomorrow, all for the sake of the children :-)
I love you guys!!

I continually thank God for all of the people he has placed in my life! You are all such a blessing to me!! thank YOU!

2 weeks

It's been two weeks.
Seems like forever, seems like yesterday.
No one else seems to notice 6:10pm or 7:50pm on Saturday evenings. Shouldn't everything stop at those moments? For the last two saturdays, I find myself watching the clock... remembering Aug. 16th.
6:10- the time of Thayer's accident.
7:50- the doorbell and the trooper hats. I knew instantly.
How does time continue to tick? How do people go about their daily activities? I feel like the world is continuing around me while I attempt to pick up the pieces.

I have been covered in prayers, love, support and generosity. These are the things that get me through the day. I have enjoyed laughing and talking with friends and family. I can't say enough about how wonderful everyone has been over these weeks.
But at the end of the day, I am faced with the fact that he's really not coming back.

Tonight I read part of Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff. (I read it all the other night... thanks Jenn!)
The author pretty much says it right:

There's a hole in the world now. In the place where he was, there's now just nothing. A Center, like no other, of memory and hope and knowledge and affection which once inhabited this earth is gone. Only a gap remains. A perspective on this world unique in this world which once moved about within this world has been rubbed out. Only a void is left. There's nobody now who saw just what he saw, knows what he knew, remembers what he remembered, loves what he loved. A person, an irreplaceable person, is gone. Never again will anyone apprehend the world quite the way he did. Never again will anyone inhabit the world the way he did. Questions I have can never now get answers. The world is emptier. My (husband) is gone. Only a hole remains, a void, a gap, never to be filled.

night

yep, I officially lost my patience with L tonight. He had been progressively getting "out of control" this evening. And then, over something as simple as ALL of his school shirts thrown in the bottom of his closet!!!... I snapped. I cried and yelled.

Where is Thayer when I need him for back-up? Where is the man that I count on to step in and keep us in line? Where is the calming influence of a wonderful husband and daddy? I am at such a loss as to how I am going to handle this single parent gig.

After I locked myself in my room and wept, and after L locked himself in his room and wept, I went back in to talk with him. Of course I apologized for loosing my temper and we held each other and cried. We prayed for God to give us patience with each other and prayed that we can be kind to each other even though we feel really yucky inside.

I have no idea what each moment will bring or how we will process our feelings on a day to day basis. I am so thankful to know that people are praying for us and I am confident that God will get us through. Please pray that our family can carry on with our "routine" lives even though there is a very vital piece of us that is missing.

I'm still having to remind myself that "this is really happening".

1st day

This was technically the first day of our "very different" lives.
I woke earlier than usual to get the boys up and running for school. Everything went smoothly and we were out the door and taking pictures of their first day back to school.
Instantly the picture taking was much harder than I imagined. I remembered how Thayer was with us last year at that very moment.
It breaks my heart that today was one of the "firsts" without him. I know that this is just the first of many milestone moments that will ache with emptiness.

This was a very frazzling day for me.
I went to work from 9-12:30. (That was fine). I went by Thayer's work to take some papers (that too was okay but I got weepy when I saw his desk and sat in his chair). I was so relieved to see Thayer's friend Dan... he is great and thayer really loved him. So.... I'm glad that I stopped by the workplace. :-)

Just those two activities zapped me for the day. I was exhausted by 4pm.
The boys made it home eventually after a bus delay ( I waited at the bus stop for almost an hour!!)
A wonderful gal from church delivered dinner and we finished our night with baths, homework, devotions, reading, prayers and bed.
I want to make bedtimes a very important part of our day since Thayer was primarily the one who layed and prayed with the boys each night. I know I can't take his place but I want the boys to know that bedtimes can still be special. I think that is the time of day when they are most willing to talk about how they feel. I love snuggling and kissing on them :-)

(on a side note: I am trying to take one moment at a time but my "t0-do" list is getting longer by the day. Papers I need to find, forms I need to fill out, appointments I need to make, etc. etc. I never realized how much "business" is required after a death. Please pray that I can tackle one thing at a time and not get overly stressed about the details. )