lifestyle changes

I started back to work today. The first day is usually fine.... anticipation of seeing my co-workers and the newness of it all- gets me out of bed- with the first melody of the alarm clock.
I know that I'll soon implement the 'press snooze twice' plan.

I'm actually trying to get off to a good start this year. My summer sleep schedule of 1am-9am will now need to be altered to 10pm-6:30am. And I really need to stick to it. I will need to discipline myself. If I can make myself have a predictable sleep pattern.... it will be the first time in several years that I might actually stay awake during 'chapel time' at preschool!
 I would consider that a great personal achievement.
I figure that I also need my rest because we have a class of TWELVE boys and three girls this year.

Like most years, I have completely overbooked my first week back to work. I have vet, hair, dentist and orthodontist appointments AND I have to go into work two evenings as well. AND I've scheduled to have a group of people over on Friday night. It will be interesting to see if I have groceries or clean toilets by Friday. It's looking doubtful.

Anywho.
I'm also trying to make a happy blend of cats in our home. Blueberry has made herself at home, and Mr. Q is tolerating her well. I've been trying to figure out feeding arrangements and sleeping arrangements that make everyone happy.
It's kind of like welcoming an infant into our home.
Except it's a cat... and we can leave it alone or hours at a time.
so... really nothing like an infant. But I feel like a baby mama anyway. For the first few days, Blueberry followed me around and meowed constantly. She was missing her family...

But she is quickly becoming a part of ours. :-)

my attempt to explain my insanity

Rewind back to the month of Easter.    We attended an Easter party at Sabrina's house and my boys were introduced to a new litter of kittens.  They were cute, they were cuddly, they were precious, they were named after fruit, and they were NOT coming home with us. 

I have always sworn that I would never own another cat.   Once Mr. Q was gone, the house would be cleaner, hair free, litter free, and all of my friends would be able to come over to play.   I could almost imagine an animal free home.  I would be free to travel at will when my kids were older and we would be free of responsibility.

Over the past four months my boys have enjoyed visiting and playing with the kittens.  Lucas had a soft spot for the one named "Blueberry".     Honestly, once they grew bigger than puffs, I rarely paid attention to what they looked like or how big they were.  The kittens were just 'around' when I went to see my friend.

Over time, Blueberry comments were the norm around my house.  She was mentioned at random moments and it was obvious that my kids really had something for that cat.

One night, Lucas had witnessed Mr. Q with a weird limp.    Lucas was heartbroken.
Even though we have had several in-depth conversations about the mortality of Mr. Q... and we all know that he won't last forever... I saw a glimpse of a Lucas that will be crushed when Mr. Q finally bites the bullet.
Actually, I know that we will all be crushed when Mr. Q is gone.  He was Thayer's cat and there's obviously a big emotional attachment there.

Then, one night, Lucas called me to his room and he was crying big tears.  (The tears reminded me of when he used to cry for his Daddy.)
He was crying about wanting to adopt Blueberry and wanting to give Blueberry a good home.    I haven't seen this 'sweet' Lucas in quite a while!  wow.

At that moment, my irrational thinking swept in.   Lucas has such a heart for animals.  Perhaps we should adopt this cat?
I mulled over it a bit and contacted Sabrina to find out the status of the cat.
One thing led to another and we arranged a pick-up day and made a vet appointment.

I must admit that when I thought of this cat, I thought she was a scraggly, scrawny farm cat.  
But please remember that I had not paid attention to the cats when I went to visit!
And it turns out that I was super wrong about them. 
Blueberry is actually adorable.  Her coloring is neat and she has a nifty short tail.   And her temperament is fabulous. 

Blueberry came home with us yesterday.   The jury is still way out, as to if Mr. Q will accept this kitten.   We are following all of the 'rules' about introducing a new cat to the home.   And I guess that time will tell.

So.... that's my explanation of the new cat.    I realize that I making it harder for my allergic friends to visit.... and... I'm one step closer to becoming a crazy cat lady.   :(
But... Lucas assures me that he will take Blueberry with him when he moves out of the house.   
I'm in process of writing a contract for him to sign....

three years

hey!  thanks to everyone for their overwhelming support yesterday, for the three year mark.     I received lots of loving sentiments on my facebook page. 
I also received several cards in the mail.  
For the card senders... extra thanks to you... because that took some pre-thought!  And I feel loved.

I had my mini-meltdown on the night of the 15th.     I am learning that the anticipation of a death anniversary is sometimes worse than the actual day.   And somehow I know that since I've got Thayer's birthday approaching on Friday, that I can make the whole week a pouty week, and it's okay.

Yesterday wasn't too bad as long as I kept busy.   I talked with the kids off and on about what the day represented.   The discussions wore me out emotionally but the kids weren't phased.    I had a low lying headache all day, I guess from all of the thoughts...and the attempts of trying not to think. 

We managed to keep busy with school registration, shopping, lunch at Jersey Mikes (in honor of Thayer), a bit of preparation for the new cat, and assembling a new cabinet for the laundry room. 
Lucas amazes me at his ability to assemble furniture.   He is very much like his Dad.  :)

I almost forgot what made my day!  Thad called in the evening and we talked for quite a while.    I am super blessed to have such an amazing brother-in-law.
I hear about other widows who are abandoned or shunned by their in-laws... and I am thankful that Thad makes it clear that he cares for us :)   I only wish that he and his family lived closer!

free saturday

My day seems to fly by when I stay in bed until 10:30am.    The kids wander outside and get lost in play with neighbors.   And I choose to pace around the house.   
Sure, there is a ton of stuff that I could do.   I could clean, pay bills, reorganize the closets and drawers or actually make my bed.    But I've decided that I don't want to waste my last few days of freedom doing chores. 
I can slowly conquer those things once we get back into our school schedules.
I could be watching tv but I just don't feel settled sitting like that during the day.

Tuesday is the 3 year anniversary of Thayer's death.   I have mixed emotions.  Generally I'm okay... because I know that a date on the calendar isn't life altering... it's just a time marker.    
The first year without Thayer was unbelievable. 
The second year, I felt like I was just crawling out of the fog.   
And as this third year has progressed, I feel like I'm getting a firmer grip on my reality and what I'm expecting for myself and the boys.   
It feels like our life with Thayer is a distant memory.  I have finally gotten to the point where I smile when I look at photos and fondly remember 'that life'. 
I still ache for the fact that my kids don't have a Dad.     Tuesday is school registration and I know that it will be difficult, as always, to pen "deceased" on the line where a father's name is supposed to be written.    But I will deal.

Thayer would be 41 next Friday.   And instead of taking our annual hike in honor of him, we are getting another cat.
I know I'm an idiot.
I've got another post in the works to explain myself....

happy Saturday!

Bothams and the terrible, horrible, pretty good, actually very Great Wolf Lodge

We've been talking about taking this trip forever. 
Thayer had planned it, rescheduled it, and canceled it, years ago.  
I have thinking about making it happen for years since.  So finally we loaded into the car with our best vacationing buddies and hit the road to the  Great Wolf Lodge in Charlotte, NC.

The trip there was quiet and uneventful.    
Upon arriving in Charlotte, the kid crazies started seeping out.  Excitement brewing from deep within.
The kids were dressed in their swimsuits before we had time to settle into our room.    The lodge was full of enticing things that make kids beg for more.  The price tags on these things were ridiculous.       My boys were begging to play MagiQuest, and I was willing to let them share a wand and a game... but not right this minute! 
Throughout the evening, there was alot of rudeness and a sense of entitlement oozing from the kids.  
(I know that I have created these monsters... so don't lecture me)
The straw that broke my back was the fact that one of my kids threw a fit because I was going to buy Rolo McFlurries instead of Chic Fil A shakes for a treat.   How DARE he complain about me buying ICECREAM!!  
My boys earned the rest of the evening in the hotel room.  I knew that they would be new creatures after a good night's sleep.

The hotel room had a nifty 'cave' with bunk beds, a queen bed and a sleeper sofa.  
I settled into the sleeper sofa and realized that it was not fit for any living being to sleep on.  It was basically springs covered in foam.  I was grouchy and it took forever for me to fall asleep.  I had my speech planned for the front desk about my horrendous sleeping accommodations.

I was abruptly brought to life at 11:45pm by the fire alarm.   Amazingly, no one else in my room stirred.  Sabrina managed to mumble a bit and ask what was going on.   I was on my feet and out the door to investigate.  Myself and all of the other hotel guests were in the hallway wondering if we should high-tail it outta there.   Some of the folks down the hall were shuffling kids with pillows to the nearest exit.    I knew that the longer I waited, the dumber, and deader, I would be if there was a real threat.   
Within just a few moments there was a loud buzz and a man made an announcement that the cause of the alarm had been found, and that everything was fine and dandy.
Geez.  Try to go back to sleep after that!    I watched as the fire engines and ladder truck came... much later.... to double check, I guess.
Back to bed and ready for a new day...

The next day was actually amazing.  My boys were able to start the MagiQuest game and spend hours in the water park.  
More MagiQuest and more hours in the waterpark.
Lucas LOVED the waterslides.    He was especially thrilled with the Howlin' Tornado.  Daniel really enjoyed the wave pool.     
Sabrina was a good mama... riding the scary ones with my boys  (since I technically couldn't ride 'em because of my surgery)   I managed to ride two slides and figured out that I am a huge wimp and that I get super motion sickness. (especially when going down backwards!  ugh.)

That night, the hotel provided an air mattress, after my friendly complaint.   Sabrina offered to sleep on it.... and thanks to a leak, she was on the floor by morning.   The sleeping accommodations were less than exciting. 
But overall, the place was cool.  The customer service was amazing. 

The amount of money flowing in that place was absurd.   We, along with all of the other parents, were accosted by our children to buy more stuff.   We'd pass other parents in the hallway, having the same discussions with their kids about what would be purchased.  Sabrina overheard parents at storytime having the same discussion about MagiQuest as I had with my boys. 
I think I did okay with my purchasing and my boys did okay with sharing.  :-)
The longer we stayed, the more confident I was that I could make the trip again.  I would know what to expect and plan our time, and budget, accordingly.

The smile on Lucas' face when he came shooting out of the Howlin' Tornado and the excitement that Daniel had over the MagiQuest made the entire trip worthwhile.  
It was a great vacation learning experience for us that turned out to be a great trip with our friends  :-)

 

picture stolen from Sabrina















Please read Sabrina's account of our trip here.   She breaks down the costs... and makes me laugh :)
I hope that she'll be brave enough to go back with us one day...

finale

Alrighty.  This is kinda the last post that I want to write about my pee.  
Well.... except if I want to post about my 'cath-free party' at some point.  
Or if things fall apart somehow....

Here's my final update:
I went back for my post surgery appointment.   Things were well.  
The doc was glad that I have been peeing on my own.  I was instructed to use the catheter, once, in the morning, until I no longer need it. 
(which is determined by the amount I drain out)
(and since my numbers are so low... I'm thinking I'll be able to stop in a few days!!)
So, that's good news.

It's been one month since the surgery and I celebrated by taking a road trip with my sister.    We dropped her kids off at the beach to camp with their grandparents.   We drove 6-7 hours, ate at a seafood buffet, spent the night, and came home.
There is so much freedom in the open road... especially when you're traveling without a pee bag!

same ol', same ol'

I've been asked alot lately, "how's the pee"?   and really... I don't know what to report.    It's about the same.

The good news is I'm peeing alot more on my own.  I'd say that I'm 95ish % on my way.   I'm still using the catheter to completely drain the bladder.   The most accumulation occurs at night and first thing in the morning.   I suspect it has something to do with me laying down and sleeping.
I try not to think too much about it.  And it's super helpful that I have restarted my usual activities and am keeping busy.

It's been four weeks.   My month of July was lost somehow in the mix.    And that was totally not expected.    
I'm really hoping for a complete healing one of these days.  I've got alot of things that I plan to do with the kids before they go back to school.

Tomorrow I see the doctor for my post surgery check-up.   I've got my pee report ready for him and a list of questions.     I'm hoping for some encouraging answers.

what I'd be good at...

(Trying to keep my mind off of the pee.   Things are improving... but I'm not 100% yet.)

So...
I've stated many times that I would gladly be a greeter at Walmart when I return to full time work.     Many of you think I'm kidding.  (which I kinda am...)
But you know what? 
I'd be really good at it.
Granted I'm not old, or disabled.... but I know that I could rock that job, if they'd let me.
And I'm pretty sure that people would drive across town to be greeted by me.  :-)

I am a frequent shopper of Walmart.  And I'm serious when I say that I've been greeted 'properly' only a handful of times in the past year. 
Those current greeters look miserable!  Is it really that hard to drum up a smile and say hello to the people who come in the door??     Are the responsibilities too exhausting or demanding?   Do greeters run out of smiles at a certain point in their career? 

So for my own enjoyment...
I greet those greeters EVERY time I enter, with a big smile and a "Hi! how are you today?!"   And when I leave, "Thank you!  have a super afternoon!"  :o)

I'm secretly proud of myself for doing their job... better than they do.

I know.
random.

the positive

I'm sure that you're sitting on the edge of your seat, waiting for my pee update.

Well, not much has changed.   Except my attitude.  several times.
My mood sunk pretty low this weekend and I whined to everyone, including the doctor.   I was seeing the cup half empty. 
literally.

Then it occured to me that I need to focus on the positive.
When I stopped worrying about my pee I had time to think happy thoughts.
1. I realized that my insides were no longer falling out.... and that's super positive :)
2. I realized that my family and friends have seen me, like a wreck, and yet they still encourage me and pray for me.   That's positive :)
3. I also realized that my doc has been encouraging through it all.    He has witnessed many of my really low moments as well.    Yet, he says that he prays for me.  That's positive :)

But the best thing... the thing that has brought me out of the depths....
is the fact that I started to drive again on Sunday.  
Getting into that car spelled f.r.e.e.d.o.m!!!  
Owning a car is a privilege.    And I don't take that lightly.  My ability to go anywhere, when I want to, is a blessing.  

As for my ability to pee... I'm still waiting.   I'm able to do a little on my own.  And I've seen some improvement, but I still need to use the catheter to empty my bladder. 
So please continue to pray...

"Oh. My. Word."

I mumbled to myself upon leaving the bathroom,
After trying to urinate.
I'm trying to figure out the next time that I should catheterize myself before I leave the house for the evening.    
Planning out time for urination?  That's just plain odd.
And I'm wondering how long this type of thought process will consume me.  This is just not normal, for me.

This morning, I went back to the doctor, and to my surprise, I was able to urinate a bit.  I was able to pee out about 1/3 of the fluid that they had pumped into me.  I was pleasantly surprised and hopeful.
But, since I couldn't get it all out... I was taught how to self catheterize.
It's just as gross as I had imagined, and as creepy as you may think... but rather simple.
I can do it... because I'm a big girl.  right?

The doc was "happy" because I had peed.     He said that I would maybe have to self catheterize for a "few days or a few weeks".  I did not want to hear that  "weeks" part.   
But I'm hopeful that this process will help my bladder get on the mend.
The best part is that I'm not tied down to that pee bag anymore.  
I'm just relying on a plethora of little medical supplies and a mirror.
And my next dilemna will be to find that stuff at the drug store...

I am super thankful for all of the prayers.     My friends have been offering up powerful prayers for my healing, yet I'm the doubting one.   
You can call me Thomas.
I know that God can fix this, and I call Him out on it... but at the same time, I don't expect an instant healing.  I want Him to do it, I want to give Him the glory, but it just ain't happenin'.     
I know that God is answering... in His own way.  Because I know that I'm learning alot through this.   
Alot.   
I know that this inconvenience is building my character, somehow.
But really.... haven't I  had enough character building in the last few years??...

and so it continues....

I went for my second surgery, to correct the 'tape', and everything went as planned.  The procedure was fairly quick and it was super easy for me to wake up from the anesthesia.    The doctor was pleased and he even told my mom that I would not be going home with a catheter.

That was... until I couldn't pee.

The nurse was instructed to call the doc if I had any problems, so he and I had a nice little chat on the phone.   I vaguely remember asking him if he would admit me to the hospital long term.  (because I really didn't want to be sent back home with a catheter... after ALL of this!)
Being admitted wasn't a possibility and I knew that I would need another catheter, right away, to release the pressure that had built up in my bladder. 

Insert catheter and bag number five.

I was instructed to come to his office on Friday morning.   I recommended that if I can't pee on Friday that I am to move in with the doctor and he will be in charge of my care.   He agreed to it... and I have witnesses.  Take note.

Amazingly, I have been in great spirits about it all.    I have decided that it is better to laugh than cry.  And I keep telling myself that things could certainly be worse.

The doc assures me that it will not be permanent.  (just like he assured my mom that I would not be going home with a catheter).... but I tend to trust him on the permanence issue.
He could think of only one other case where an older woman had to wear a catheter for two and a half months.  
And that is supposed to encourage me in what way?  haha.

The plus of my current condition is that I have the hospital grade set up.   There is a magnificent patch that is stuck to my leg that holds the pee tube in place.    The tube snaps in place and it even swivels!  This is opposed to the tape that I have used for two weeks which has been very irritating.   The comfort level of the catheter had always relied on how well the tube was taped or positioned on my leg.   My new patch has made a huge difference in my comfort level.

Last night I had planned to call him and make sure that he used his doctor muscle to snag me a hospital grade set-up, just in case, for Friday.
And luckily, the doc called me this morning to see how I was doing.   I explained that I was in good spirits.   He is very sympathetic and apologetic about the whole thing.   He acknowledges that this is super frustrating for me and my family.   As of now, he believes that things still need time to heal.
We've been praying that things will be working by Friday (simply because I am hosting a baby shower on saturday).... but I don't see how a few days will change anything.  Especially after two weeks and two surgeries.   I am hopeful, but realistic at this point.

If things are not in motion by friday.  I think "Plan E" will be put into place.  
I will probably learn to catheterize myself  for the time being (which sounds really fun, right?)  And will probably get a second opinion from a urologist.

so... no idea what to expect over the next week or so.  I am totally at the mercy of my bladder and what the professionals determine is the hold-up.  And perhaps time is really all I need.    Maybe I'm just a freakish case, I dunno.

I have a friend who is irate with the doctor.   And I can understand his concerns... but yet I still have faith in my doc.    I am fully aware that things don't always go as planned and I am doing my best to be flexible with my current weird condition.    I don't want to be quick to blame or point fingers, because that's just not necessary.... or helpful.

Let's just get it fixed and move on.

I'm already planning my "cath-free party".  

We will celebrate when I'm a free woman!  :-)

interlude

I've got a post brewing about the outcome of today's surgery...
but for now...please enjoy this lovely interlude.

Several weeks ago, I was priviledged to be a part of the
"Just the Girls: Real Beauty Project".

You can read about me here. 

I feel so honored to be included!!

Please take time to read about the project, and read about ALL of the beautiful girls!!

This is a marvelous project for two aspiring young photographers. I am so proud of them!
I'm pretty sure they are still booking appointments for Real Beauty shoots, which are always free.
And both girls have started shooting regular sessions as well, for a fee. Please email shannonandruth@gmail.com  for more info.

super long post about female stuff, surgery, and pee.

Reader discretion is advised.  :)

I sit here on the eve of a second surgery and I realize that some of you may be wondering, "what? what surgery?"
Ah... there is so much to tell and I'm not sure where to start.
Let's start in the very beginning....  It's a very good place to start.

Once upon a time.... for several years.... I suffered from a 'uterine prolapse'.   look it up. 
I dreamed and planned for a day when I could have a hysterectomy to a make that issue go away.    And I wanted to be proactive so that my uterus wouldn't fall out one day at Target.  (that likelihood is slim to none.)  ;)
This summer turned out to be an opportune time to schedule surgery since we had traveled early and the rest of the summer was free.  
I went for my yearly exam and set the date for July 6th.    Upon hearing the details of the surgery, the doc explained that I "should be up and moving the next day.   No driving for two weeks.  No lifting for 6 weeks."   These surgeries are very common in women.   The doc performs several each week.   Seemed like a pretty routine thing.  He mentioned that "about 20 percent of these women have to go home wearing catheters".... but I disregarded that statement because... by golly... I'm young and I would recover.  I would feel no pain and I would be fine.

I went for the presurgery visit, where the doc performed some neato test on me by inserting a catheter and pumping my bladder full of fluid.   He then had me cough a little and they somehow measure the pressure in my bladder (or something like that).   The doc determined that I should have an extra procedure involving 'tape' to make sure I didn't have bladder leakage after the hysterectomy.  
He wanted to get lots done while he was in there.    It would all be done vaginally.  No incisions :)
( I know... this is a horrible topic... but stick with me) 

I proceeded to the Hospital Presurgery Center... which is technically a place where you sleep for 45 minutes in the waiting room, they draw a bit of blood, and then make sure that they have the rights to your first born son.     But they are so friendly... you really don't mind paying your $5000 deductible over the phone in a back room.

moving on.
The day of the surgery came.  July 6th.  Surgery planned for 3:30 in the afternoon.    We arrived, two hours early, (my mother and I) and things ran smoothly.   I have never had previous surgeries... so this was new and kind of interesting to me.     
The IV creeped me out at first, it was gross looking in my hand...
and thus began me acting like a baby for my mom.
The doc came in briefly before they doped me up and he was cutsie in his scrubs.  He seemed to be in his element.   I casually mentioned that my boys would like to have my uterus to keep in a jar.  
The doc smiled a bit...probably not knowing if I was serious... but then proceeded to tell me that "once pathology is done with it, there wouldn't be much left."   I'm assuming that he knew I was joking.  But I dunno. 
I've gotten him to smile a few times, for which I am proud.
And for the record- I think my gynecologist is great :)

They wheeled me into the operating room and the whole crew introduced themselves right before the walls got blurry.  
quick and nice.
I was slowly waking up, shivering and shaking, and wondering if I was in pain, or just freaked out.  Apparently that's okay for waking up after 2.5 hours of anesthesia.  I was barely conscious and they were asking me my pain level.   I guessed a '5' because I didn't even know where I was and I figured that middle ground was okay to start with.    They pumped me full of pain meds and the next thing I know I hear someone say, "well look who's here".  I think they were talking about my mom because I was being wheeled into my room.
I think I managed to whine about alot of things before my mom left for the evening.  I remember having a ton of pillows trying to get comfortable.  and I remember tossing my IV tube and my catheter tube around whenever I changed sleeping positions.   I remember that my poor male nurse came when I called and he was kind about having to take care of my personal needs.
Shift change for nurses at 7am.
The next gals were nice... but busy.  I was ready to be discharged... and I certainly didn't want to go home with a catheter.   I tried to pee several times with very little luck  BUT.... the nurse sent me home without a catheter anyway.  My mom says that it's because I whined so much about it... but I blame the nurse either way.

I SHOULD have been sent home with a catheter.   My first night at home, I slept for 20 minutes, tried to pee for 10 minutes.  Slept for 20 and tried to pee for 10.  Like clockwork.  ALL night.
The next morning my mom called the doc's office around 9:30am.  The nurse called back at 12:30 and suggested that we be at the office by 1pm.

(Friday, July 8th) I went in and received my second catheter with a nifty long tube and a 'pee bag' (as I affectionately call it).  I was told that my bladder had stretched way too far overnight and that it would need some time to get back to normal.   There was swelling from the surgery, etc. Come back on Tuesday.

(Tuesday, July 12th)  I was ready to be rid of the catheter.    They pumped me full of fluid and removed the catheter.... and ..... I couldn't pee.   I cried in the bathroom and I teared up for the nurse.  I was majorly discouraged.
Enter catheter number three.
 The doctor told me that it needed more time and that I would need to come back NEXT Monday.  I was choked up and disappointed and I expressed the importance of getting rid of the 'pee bag' before I hosted my sister's baby shower on the 23rd.  
He explained that there was a chance that if I was unable to pee NEXT Monday that he would need to go back in and snip the 'tape' from the procedure he had done during the surgery.  That would allow my urine to flow out of the bladder.  hmm.

So... the days ticked by.  My family and friends were AMAZING.  They kept the boys and I busy.  They brought meals, they hung out with us.  They drove us around. They answered my questions and calmed my crazies.  We visited and did everything possible to take my mind off of the uncomfortable and irritating tube in my crotch.  
I can't stress enough about how irritating this catheter has been.

And my mom has been great.  she has listened to every whine and concern and every doubt or question I could conjure.   And I kept thinking about how my mom would be spared the details if only Thayer were here.   I'm sorry he couldn't be here to tell me to 'suck it up'.   It would usually be the husband's job to handle the delicate things... but my mom had to take the lead...  Thanks Mom :)
And my Dad has been hanging out with my boys for hours on end.
Both of  my parents have had to take care of their baby.  
This is an occassion when it is great to have family close by. ;)

okay.  and just when you wonder if this post will EVER end.   I'm wondering too.

I went back today. (July 18th).  I was prepared for the worst.  I carried my bag with pride into the waiting room...and announced to the nurse that I would not cry this time.   She pumped me full of fluid and removed the catheter.   And.... I couldn't pee.   Not even a drop.
So....
insert catheter number four.
My second surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at 3:15.  It should be a short procedure.  The doc says that i will only be put to sleep for 10 minutes.    He plans to go in and fix that 'tape' issue that seems to be blocking my urine from flowing.   He says that he has had to do this a few other times and that it has fixed the problem for each of those women.
So.... am I to assume that I'll "be up and moving the next day"?

haha.  I laugh as I type.

I know that there is risk with every surgery and I somehow laugh at the fact that I had some complications.   Yeah, it seems to work out like that sometimes.  Something so easy turns into quite an ordeal.   But I tried to keep telling myself that this is only temporary.  AND this is so minor compared to what other people have endured.
I have gained a new respect for older people.    I now understand how taking a shower and getting dressed can be exhausting.  And I have also realized that I take many things for granted.... like sitting down, or walking across a parking lot, or pouring a glass of water.   It is tough to be hindered, to move slowly and to have limits.  It is draining on the body and the mind.

I am thankful that my ailments are only temporary and that hopefully I'll be "up and moving the next day."

friends

I'm well overdue for a blog.
I've been working on a spicy post about my upcoming hysterectomy but I just can't seem to get all of my thoughts in one place.   I'm pretty sure I'll have some time after the surgery to bless you with all of the gory details.   Stay tuned!  ;)

But tonight, I just wanted to rave a bit about my friends :)

I am super blessed to have amazing friends.   

I've been pondering the people who choose to hang out with me.



-I've got friends that have been around a long time, the ones that I can spend the weekend in their home and make myself a part of their family (whether they like it or not) ;)
-I've got friends who can sit in my yard and talk for hours.
-I've got  friends who actively pursue time with me, make me and my boys a part of their lives and love us well.
-I've got friends who are my sisters, literally.  ;)
-I've got friends who I see infrequently, but we pick up right where we left off.
-I've got friends who I love to have 'girl time' with.
-I've got friends who keep me company on a regular basis and listen to me ramble.
-I've got widow friends who I would have never met under normal circumstances, but I am thrilled that they have come into my life.
My support system is amazing.

So if you fit one of the above descriptions, please know that I appreciate you!   You make my life brighter and keep me sane :)
I am thankful.

1st day of summer

Tomorrow is the first day of summer.  And I'm hoping that it will be a fresh start at summer for our family.
Sure, we've already vacationed, I know.     And it was amazing.
But I have been looking forward to those lazy days when the only decisions I have to make are 'pool' or 'movie'.
Tomorrow, maybe, we can start with that kind of summer.

After nine weeks of basement and flooring remodeling, I feel like our house is finally ours to take possession of.   It turned out to be a rather mind consuming thing to have contractors around all of the time. 
The work was supposed to roll right into the kitchen but I decided to take a break... emotionally and financially.

This week, I've scheduled a few appointments and I'd like to cut down a few things that have been hanging over my head. 
Then, I'm set.

So. Father's Day just came and went.  Each year since Thayer's death, I tend to tell my boys that we will put our focus on Papa (my Dad), since he plays such an important role in our lives.
Leading up to Father's Day, I kept asking the boys if they had any feelings... good or bad... about Father's Day. They didn't seem swayed in either direction.  They have been pretty apathetic to the fact that their Father isn't around.   
Yet I read SO many articles online that focus on the fact that kids are crushed on Father's Day if their father is dead.   
I sometimes wonder if my kids have any emotions at all.
I know that Father's Day will continue to come each year and that it may mean something more to them as they grow older.     As for now... I try not to worry about their elusive feelings.

I sure could have used Thayer this week when the boys and I had an impromptu 'sex talk' in the car. 
That was humorous.

vacation

I've just fully settled into this vacation routine.  
Mornings without alarm clocks, sitting by the pool, random excursions, quiet afternoons, happy kids, fruity drinks, meeting new people.
And yet our time in Arizona is coming to an end.   
Two days until departure.

preparing myself for take off and re-entry...

faithfully flustered

Alrighty.  Many of you know that I have had conversations with an agnostic friend, in which I was challenged to learn more about my faith... and why I believe what I believe.
I attempted to read C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity, but I happened to be bored to tears.  
I more recently have started reading I Don't Have Enough Faith to be an Athiest by Geisler and Turek.   And it seems to have a more gripping breakdown of the Christian Faith.   I'm looking forward to delving into the book when I return home from vacation.

Tonight I happened upon a group of Christians who were having a rather intense discussion with a questioning friend.   It was a VERY intellectual discussion that made my head swim just to try to keep up.  I sat in during the last half hour or so of the conversation... so I'm not really sure how the topic had progressed.  
I heard words sputtered about like "inner self" and lots about "spirit". (but not refering to the Holy Spirit.)  I honestly heard talk of "previous life"(as in reincarnation)  amongst other things.   So much stuff that my simple mind can't even restate it correctly.

I just know that my chest knotted up as I heard the conversation.
Not once was God mentioned, or Jesus, or the Holy Spirit.

Towards the end of the back and forth, the questioning friend seemed to ask, "why is the world so full of bad?"  "where does the bad come from?"
Great question!
and the folks in the conversation talked around and around and around about whatever they were saying.
Alot was discussed about 'disconnect from" something.
And not once did anyone mention sin or satan.

(And yes,as a side note, I too wonder how satan came about.  If heaven is perfect, why did satan feel jealousy? and why did he take off to lay havoc on the earth?  Why did God create a being that would do such a thing?
I am certainly not a Bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure no one can fully explain that.)

okay, so all of that to say, it was a very uncomfortable conversation to listen to. 
And what's worse.... I didn't speak up. I didn't interrupt.  I didn't lay out my simple thoughts into the scholarly conversation.
Inside, I knew that the 'smart' ones could probably talk circles around me ... and I was fearful of sounding like a backwoods redneck.
But why?    As a Christian, I should be prepared to explain my faith at all costs!   And I am pissed at myself for not sharing my thoughts.

I just didn't get it.
A Christian is defined as someone who believes the teachings of Jesus Christ.
If that's the case, and you are trying to explain your faith... how can you do so without mentioning Jesus?  or God?  Why dance around the subject?  And what the hell was all of the mumbo jumbo about?

I was frustrated with them.  and I was frustrated with myself.

wrestling

Last night I read a great post about wrestling with God.   Read it.

The author seemed to get it spot on.   And I could totally relate.  
I had just been thinking about the fact that I am wrestling with God.  Questioning God. 
And the other day... for the first time since Thayer's death.... I was mad at God.
And secretly I know that God was glad to hear my rant.       He had been waiting to hear from me.

For the most part I have done well with accepting Thayer's death.   I continue to work through my grief, I accept Thayer's absence, I don't dwell on the past, and I am content in my process of moving forward.
For the most part.

But the other day, I was pissed.    How can a God who promises so much be so silent?
Isn't it enough that my husband died?
Do my kids really need to grow up without a Dad?
What does our future look like?
I've been clinging to God's promises for almost three years.   I know that he has a plan for us.....but when does he intend to dish it out?

yeah, I know that is totally selfish... and there are many examples in the Bible where people waited a heck of alot longer than 3 years to see God reveal his plans.   And I'm fully aware that I may never see the plan unfold, in my lifetime.  
(And I'm also aware that is a pat answer to tragedy. )

anywho.
I've been content... but I'm still waiting for God to break his silence.  Perhaps if I actually listened for him, I'd hear something?

More recently, I've realized how blessed I am to have amazing family and friends.  
I have one guy friend in particular that has stuck by me for almost two years.  He has been amazing.   The other day,  I admitted to him that I was falling for him, knowing that my feelings were unreciprocated.
And the more I think about it... I get angry.    Why would God introduce someone pretty awesome into my life and then make him unattainable?
Yes, I realize that he is an amazing friend.... and I consider him a blessing.... and I don't want to jeopardize
that.
 But at the same time, I wonder why God dangles good things... just out of reach.
And maybe God's not doing that at all.
God sent me a good friend, right?  that's huge.  and I am thankful.

I like to think God's got even better things in store.   But come on!  I'd like to avoid all of the in-between emotional stuff, if possible.  ya know?  Give the girl a break!

I'm currently chillin' in Arizona with some of the coolest people on the planet.  
Hanging out with Thayer's brother is good for me.    Refreshing.    And definintly the break from the norm that I needed.

Now that I've had my little rant, I intend to have a great summer. Still waiting for the plan to unfold.... but determined to have fun while doing it.

break time!

It's the official start to our summer and we are starting it off with a blast!   We arrived in Phoenix, AZ earlier tonight.  (9ish AZ time, 12am-ish VA time).
We are here visiting my awesome brother-in-law, his wife and their three amazing kids :)

The flights were great.  Both boys were excited to fly again.  
I was thankful for my Dramamine again.  I didn't take it on the first flight, and I was okay.... but I 'felt' every little dip of air.     Thankfully, I took it on the second flight because the pilot kept chirping-in and apologizing for the bumpy ride.   He would warn us about upcoming turbulence and remind us to keep our seat belts fastened.
The GREAT thing about Dramamine is that I could feel my body shaking around but I couldn't "feel" it.    No feeling of motion.   nice.
I knew that the pill would put me to sleep so I was sure to remind the kids to stay on the plane.  :-)
They did great.  

After arrival, the kids had a late night swim.  (which they have been anticipating for weeks!)
Not sure what time they will get moving in the morning, but I have requested to be left alone until noon.
Bring on the vacation!!

weekend

I just had a wonderful kid-free weekend!  I spent time with some great gals, went to an afternoon movie, enjoyed an outdoor movie night, had wonderful conversation with a friend, and enjoyed road trippin' by myself for lots of hours.

My boys, on the otherhand, had a wonderful mom-free time at Comfort Zone Camp.  A weekend FULL of activity.  Physically and emotionally draining.  They can't stop talking about it... and I am thrilled!
I think that this has been their best camp experience yet!     Their big buddies were PERFECT (as I had expected).

I sat in the memorial service and cried as I listened to campers simply state who they were remembering.  Child after child stating, "in memory of my Dad", "in memory of my Mom", "in memory of my Mom.. and sister ...and brother".
crap.  what a shame that there has to be a camp for this type of thing.
I didn't even want to imagine what event would have caused the death of a mom, sister AND brother.

Daniel and Lucas participated in "healing circles" throughout the weekend.  These smaller group of kids (probably between 8-10) had the opportunity to share their 'story'. 
 I know that my kids were exposed to tragic stories... that make our 'story' a walk in the park.
Daniel was in a group of all boys who had lost a father.  :(  He made quick friends with a boy who shared details of a murder attempt and suicide.
 What a shame for these kids.
None of these campers live in a bubble, that's for sure.   
These kids have learned, early on, that life isn't fair.  
I am glad that myself and others have sought out the resources, like CZC, to help our kids cope with the realities of this world.

Lucas was ready to go back to camp right after we left the parking lot.    They are already looking forward to next year!   :-)