Are we ever ready?

T’s grandfather is currently dying of cancer. He probably only has a few months left, if that. He has been suffering for quite a while, as the cancer has spread throughout his body, and he is also battling Parkinson’s disease. He seems to be making it clear that he is ready to move on. And I am confident that we will see him again in heaven. On his birthday, a few years ago, I asked him what was the most important thing that he has learned in his lifetime. He answered without hesitation, “The most important thing is having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ”. Those are certainly words that I should hold onto as we are in the process of saying goodbye to him.

But, it has been interesting to see how I am dealing with the impending death of someone I’ve only know for about 8 years. I’m basically a wreck when it comes to death and funerals. Even though I know the hope we have in heaven… I just can’t keep it together when I see other people in pain. My mind also jumps to the past and remembers things that will be no more.

I have lost two grandparents, my Granny when I was 5 and my Papa when I was a teenager. (Along with a few other relatives). Looking back, I was just a typical kid in my self-absorbed world and I seemed to sit by while my own Papa was dying. Sure, I knew he was sick and dying but I didn’t truly appreciate or understand all of the care and sacrifice that the adults around me were constantly providing and what a horrible thing it is to sit around and wait for a loved one to pass on.

Now that I am grown, with kids of my own, I seem to pay attention to those details and notice it all. I have seen the exhaustion and sorrow in T’s Grandmother’s eyes. And I imagine how long the days are, and how depressing it must be to watch your husband wither away.

I have a new appreciation for my own grandmother who cared for my Papa for such a long time. And for my Dad who has helped care for many elderly relatives and friends.

So, as time approaches, as we wait, I still wonder if we are ever really ready for a death in the family? We’ve been aware of it for months but I will still dread the phone call. And I wonder if we will effectively explain it to the kids. I think they know the gist of it as we have talked about it after the death of two neighbors. I know it will certainly be different with a family member. I just bought a book today “ Sarah’s Grandmother goes to Heaven”. (based on a lady who dies of cancer). We’ll break the book out at the appropriate time to help make sense of things, I suppose.

On a lighter note:

We moved Gramp’s bed down into the living room the other day. (He had been speaking some throughout the day but his speech had been slurred and unclear). He seemed to be having a hard time understanding why we were putting the bed downstairs. He kept talking about something but I couldn’t understand it. I don’t think he liked the idea of the bed in the living room. Then, as we were setting it up, he finally said, in a really clearly loud voice, “WELL”. Not sure his meaning behind it but it gave T and I a good laugh. He almost sounded as if he was conceding to the bed idea. Then he went on to say, “so where’s the best place to take a shower here?”

I am so glad to know that even amidst all the morphine, he still has his wit about him.