morning update

This morning has been much better.
I was fervent in prayer that L and I could have a new start today.

Thankfully, he has forgiven me for last night's tirade.

I feel a great weight lifted as we begin our weekend.

thanks for your prayers :-)

tower of terror

The Tower of Terror ride description as seen on the Disney website:

"A ride on the "fright elevator" beyond the eerie boiler room in the hotel basement could be down, then up, or maybe down again, or up and up—every experience is different and randomly selected by the Tower itself. There's no way of knowing which direction you'll go on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror."

That's also a close description of my interactions with L.

I went to the counselor on Tuesday and expressed how encouraged I was about my relationship with L.
Tuesday night... all hell breaks loose.
Today was fine.
He was awarded the 'purple tape' at Karate for showing a good attitude and doing his best. (The instructor chooses one kid per class) Great attitude!! So proud!
But tonight was horrible again.... and I LOST it. I kept thinking.... "how can he be recognized for having a good attitude at Karate... and then as soon as his foot hits our doorway... he turns into a crazed lunatic!?!
I totally blew my chance at calming him tonight. When he screamed and yelled.... I screamed and yelled. It was horrible.
I don't know how much I will be able to restore with him tomorrow :( And I have no idea what to expect in the morning.
I'm really praying for a new day.... a new start.
We've got a great weekend planned and I want it to start off well.
Please pray for us!!

rainbow

I was encouraged yesterday when God painted a beautiful rainbow that made an entire restaurant stop and take notice.
The boys and I had noticed the rainbow before entering the restaurant. It was very bright and distinct.
As we got settled at our table, I noticed that folks all around us were distracted from their conversations, out of their chairs, taking pictures with their cell phones, huge smiles on their faces... totally enamored by God's fabulous creation.
It's amazing how God's creation can stop us in our tracks and demand us to take notice.


Thanks to my uncle Ben for capturing the moment!

You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. you give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you.
Nehemiah 9:6

friends

I just returned from an evening at my sister's house with several friends. A semi-random group of us get together once a month. I have such a great time listening to zany stories and enjoying lots of laughs.

One of my bestest lifelong friends came along and we were able to recall some of the events of our earlier years. CRAZY times. I have a horrible memory... but circumstances and locations flashed through my memory as she recalled several events.

(Yep, we grew up with Paris Lenon, we will claim to know Becky when she is super famous, and what the heck ever happened to Seth? )

Back in the day... we actually had lots of friends. And as we have lived life, our friend pool has diminished. After many years, it's easy to name and claim the special people who have stuck. I'm proud to have a handful of people who I have known since early childhood that still claim me as their own.
What a blessing.

I've had the privilege to see a few of my dear friends over the past few weeks. It has been so refreshing and encouraging. I am so thankful for you girls!

:o)

what's it gonna be?

I've been doing the counseling thing. I've gone three times to get some parenting pointers. Especially in interacting with my youngest.
So far, so good.
I see progess in myself and the boy.

Today, the counselor managed to get me to cry (impressive, eh?) as I shared some of my fears about Thayer's absence. We talked about a few things but I think I've come to realize that no matter how much I claim to hold tight to God's promise of a future...I have days when I falter and I start to wonder what kind of future I could possibly have.

I told the counselor today that every night when I make sandwiches for the boys' lunches, I can remember back to when Thayer was here, and I would say "I just can't make another sandwich! I am sick of making sandwiches!"
And I remember how Thayer lovingly took over the sandwich duty. He would gladly pack the lunches when I was tired of the monotonous job.
So now, when I make the sandwiches... it's just me. every day. And I realized that I could be making sandwiches most week nights for the next 11 years. Is that the kind of future I get to look forward to?

yes, I know that making sandwiches isn't a huge deal. And yes, I know that my kids are capable of making their own sandwiches.
And yes, I know that many of you, including my mom, made sandwiches every day for years... and have never compained.
(so save your comments) ;)

I think that it's just the thought that there is no one else to do it that can be dark for me.
There is no one else to clean up the cat puke. There is no one else to run by the store on the way home. There is no one else to be the spiritual leader of my family.
If I let myself dwell on these concerns, I could really wallow. But God usually quickly pulls me together and reminds me that He's in charge. I'm done with worrying. I have to know that God is in charge... or I'd totally be a wreck.

So, perhaps my fear is that I'll be alone in this gig. And I think I need to be ready to accept whatever the future may bring.
When people say "take it one day at a time". I really have to. I have no idea what to expect.... or what my future holds.
One sandwich at a time.

Bring it.

saturday morning mellowness :o)

the big investment

L officially starts karate classes tonight. We are both very excited. :o)

He and I went yesterday for an introductory lesson accompanied by the "tuition" talk.
It was seriously something similar to one of those 'Timeshare' talks. The guy was really nice... but it was all very scripted. He explained how wonderful everything was and gave super examples. He pulled L in by teaching a few basic moves, etc.
Then he proceeded to pull out the notebook and dry erase marker.... writing numbers and showing me the best values, etc.
Then I was reminded of being in a car salesman's office. He would step out every few minutes, explaining that he had left this sheet, or that info, in the other office.

Perhaps I shouldn't have agreed to the first figures?? Are karate classes negotiable? (somebody let me know!)

I should have known that it would feel shady. These are the same creepy guys who stand outside of the Dollar store and solicit in parking lots, asking people to take a "quick survey".
I think their whole method of recruiting is creepy.
I try to remind myself that they are just trying to make a living.

anywho.
Putting all of my initial grumbles aside... I think this will be very good for L. I can tell that he will learn alot about self discipline and respect. Heck, if he just picks up basic manners from these classes, it'll be worth every penny :-)

And, like a friend reminded me... it's way cheaper than therapy.

I'll keep ya posted.

fresh paint

L and I have both painted our rooms over the past few weekends. The walls are fresh and new. But that is the extent of it.
The rest of the house is a disaster. The paint supplies are still piled up the hallway, there is crap all over the place, clean laundry piled up in the living room and something sticky all over the kitchen floor.

I know that this post is sounding similar to many previous posts. And I know that I will get the cleaning bug, eventually, and tackle the devasting environment that is sucking the life right out of me.

For now, I am grasping onto my small victories.
-The new paint is good as long as you focus on the wall, and not the contents of the room.
-I have cut my grass twice. (thanks Dad for trimming!)
-I managed to clean out a small section of Thayer's "junk side" of the basement. (REALLY small section but a HUGE step for me.)

The rest of the household work has been more internal these days.

The kids and I started family counseling a few weeks ago. After meeting with the three of us, the counselor has met with me twice to suggest ways for me to interact with L, to combat some of his anger.
The counselor has been helpful and I have started to evaluate the way I interact with my kids. But coming from my 'tough love' mindset, I am struggling a bit.... trying to re-word my interactions to get favorable outcomes. I've got to work on forming some new habits!

I even think that the counselor ruffled my feathers a bit today. I shared some of my concerns about his suggestions and he challenged me by saying,
"do you want to be right or do you want to build relationship?"

He's right. The whole reason we started counseling was for the sole purpose of learning to live together in a civil manner. So I should expect that it's gonna take some humility from me.
I'm working on it.

Just like the house... small steps. little victories. one day at at time.

11th

Today would be our 11th anniversary.

The weather is beautiful. The red bud is in bloom and the heart shaped leaves are appearing.

My parents brought me a lovely plant for the front porch in honor of the day.

D and I took a bike ride around the block.

My boys have kindly agreed to accompany me to the Toby Mac concert this evening.

It's a good day.

I miss him.

the feud continues

Let's rewind a couple of months:
L had been reading The American Boy's Handy Book. He had decided that it would be a good idea to build a boat. He thought it would be nifty to have a boat that he could pull back and forth across the creek. I thought it would be a great project for the boys and their grandfather. L showed the plans to Papa... who decided that a bridge would be a perfect way to get across a creek. ;)
So... the planning began. My wonderful father worked very hard for many days gathering materials and assembling sections that would be assembled on site by the boys and their Papa. A footbridge, wide enough for the red wagon, would soon be a reality.
Fast forward to yesterday:
Bridge was ready to be assembled. My Dad and the kids unloaded the boards and carried them to position.
They were happily in the woods, working.
I was in the house painting.
and
My neighbor was on the phone with the owner of the creek property... Which resulted in two city police officers knocking on my door.

(and let me tell you... I could go a lifetime and not need to see another uniformed officer on my porch. I'm tense just typing about it!)

yep. The neighbor reported that "someone was dumping trash at the end of the cul-de-sac." (She gave them my address as the "someone".)
After a brief explanation of the project that my Dad had going on with my kids, the officer made a call on his radio that nullified anything about trash being dumped. He was very cool about the whole thing. And I've got to give props to these officers... they made me feel at ease... it turned into a rather nice little visit :o)

(I also feel I should mention that when my neighbor made her complaint to officials, she gave an incorrect address for herself. She made it look as though my neighbors across the street had made the call. The guy over there looked rather confused when the officers went to clear things up.)
Upon my prompting, they went next door to confirm she had made the call. I assume they explained the situation to her.
The officers returned to my house. (yep. of course it was her)
They also gave me the name of the property owner and suggested that I contact the owner and gain permission to use the property.

Turns out that the property belongs to a business and they cannot allow us to build anything due to liability issues. The bridge will have to be removed. The property manager mentioned coyotes and "other things" that make it too high a risk. Which is totally acceptable...coming from the property manager. We will comply. The boys and my Dad will be disassembling the bridge and moving it to another location.

I just feel so badly for my Dad. He devised this great "guy" project to do with the kids... only to have it crapped on by my neighbor. I just really wish that she would mind her own business.

And tonight... I'm vowing not to let her invade my mind, anymore. I always like to say that I don't let her actions 'get to me'... but I think it's chipping away at me. I can usually laugh it off... but I am starting to realize that I am dwelling on it way too much. I can easily lie awake at night and formulate my words for when I decide to confront her, or dream up quirky ways to retaliate.
But in doing this... I am allowing her to bring me down. I need to realize that her bizarre thirst for my family's blood cannot control me. Nor will I let it.
No more, I say! No more!

James 4:12 says:
There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?

It goes both ways... I know.

my deep thought for today:

"It's hard to love your neighbors when they are asses."

I was just thinking that I have never been treated so weirdly by anyone before and it just baffles me.
I try not to let it get to me...

I just wish that they would go ahead and build a fence.

There. I'm over it for today. ;-)
moving on...

My April Fool's lesson

This morning the kids woke up and discoverd a flyer on the kitchen table. I was folding laundry in the living room and the kids were calling to me saying "what's this?!" I had to explain that it was a flyer for a week long camp that I was going to send them to this summer.
Chore Camp.
D kept saying "I don't understand!" They were baffled. They read the descriptions of what they would be doing and they were floored. L was instantly furious and D was just "put off". They were so angry. They were refusing to go to Chore Camp, and L said that he would stay in bed the whole week and do nothing.
I let them fuss and fume for about 15 minutes before I reminded them that it was April 1st.
Which at that point, I really thought I would get a chuckle or a "wow, you really got us mom!"
But NO. They were both disappointed in me. And D reminded me, "See Mom! THAT's why we can't do April Fools at school! Because it hurts people's feelings!"

hmmm.... who would have thought? I prided myself in actually pulling off a prank today only to be shunned by my kids.
:p

winding down and warming up

I just returned from a conversation packed Ladies Night. I know that "what happens at Sonic, stays at Sonic".... but since this happened at my sister's house, I feel like I can share- without naming names ;)
I'm amazed at what comes up in conversation when you throw a wide variety of ladies together.
Tonight we discussed bodily functions and failures, mammograms, the composititon of poop and constipation, the king from the Bible whose intestines fell out (2Chronicles 21:18-19), pot, kids, dancing, speech delays, youtube ;), surgeries, tubing, hitmen, cancer, death, and disabilities... among other things.
I always enjoy hearing the stories and hearing the laughter.

I came home tonight to a 62 degree house and I recall a phone conversation that I had earlier today:
"Hi. My heat pump thingy isn't working too well. It's been doing weird stuff, off and on....do you think I could set up an appointment for you to come by and check it out sometime next week? Sure, Wednesday is great."

I'm sure that I can go without heat till wednesday. really. it's spring.
But I wasn't planning on a 24 degree night. Thank goodness for my new down comforter :o)

exciting irritation

FINALLY!!! The school nutrition people have implemented an online "cafe prepay" program, for an easy way to manage my kid's school meal accounts.
Other school programs have had this ability for years and I was waiting patiently for our school system to catch up.

For the past few years, I have been blindly sending money to school for their lunch accounts. I would give them permission to buy lunch or breakfast.... and I was really trying to keep up with their balances. But then, out of the blue, I would receive notices that one or the other kid owed the school money!
I would get so frustrated... being pretty sure that they were purchasing food when they weren't supposed to, or buying "extra" junk with their lunches.
It's the litte stuff that irritates me. Like disappearing money.
I even went as far as to request that the cafeteria ladies not feed my kids unless they had cash in hand. But alas... I still received "balance due" memos. Argh.

So... imagine my delight when I recevied the letter about the online account! SOOooooo thrilled :-)
I just went online to set up an account and check their balances.
Oddly enough... L has a balance of $10 and change. And D has a balance of 95 cents.
D claims that he is only buying when he has permission. He suggests that perhaps someone else is using his PIN number?! (Which he told me earlier in the year that this is impossible since a mug shot shows up on cashier's computer)
Something's fishy here. And I think it's his story.

So... I'm thrilled to have the ability to track their accounts online. Which I plan to watch like a hawk!
But I'm super irritated that I have sneaky kids. And I'd sure like to know what he purchased with $9 worth of lunch money!

green day

I've done something motherly!
Check out the lunches that I'll be sending with my boys tomorrow. I am super proud of my effort because it's probably the only nifty thing that I'll pull of this year.



In case you can't appreciate all of the genius above, here is a rundown.... Turkey and cheese in a GREEN spinach wrap, GREEN goldfish, GREEN pear flavored apple sauce, GREEN koolaid, GREEN veggie chips, and a GREEN mint!

Pretty sure that my kids aren't gonna eat any of it... but it looks amazing, eh?
I'm sure that they would be thrilled about the veggie chips if I had raised them on a diet of cardboard.
Because they are disgusting!!!
But they are GREEN! ;)

Not sure what has gotten into me-about the green... it's weird.
I'm the mom that totally overlooked the school classes on important holidays... like Christmas! But yet I volunteered to provide a snack for St. Patricks day. That's random.
Once again... genius... I'm taking green koolaid, green jello jigglers and Lucky Charms cereal :-)

Happy St. Patricks Day!

time to reclaim

I've been living in a disaster of a house for several weeks now. Every room has crap thrown all over the floor and the counters are piled up with stuff. I've been unmotivated to dig out of the pit. I've allowed myself to wallow a bit... But I know that "this too shall pass".

A lady at our church was killed in an accident last Sunday and the circumstances ended up playing havoc on me...as I thought about what her family was going through.
It's just been a weird week.

I had planned a get-away this weekend that was canceled because the receiving end was sick. I was REALLY looking forward to escaping for a few days.
My initial thought was that I would take flight with the kids and find a random hotel where we could flee our week and swim in the hotel pool.
But that is quite a lofty plan. Especially since that would involve shaving my legs. :)

I decided to stick in town and go to the movies. We saw Alice in Wonderland. (I love Johnny Depp) ;)

I am proud to say that, this morning, I reclaimed my living room. It is now clutter free, carpet vacuumed, furniture dusted, and plants watered. One small area of sanity in this crazy house, in this crazy life. I am hoping that the small oasis of motivation will decide to spread to the rest of the house, and life.

it's a God thing

As many of you know.... L has been dealing with alot of anger since Thayer died. I would say that his change in attitude and his behavior have been some of the most dramatic changes that have occured as the result of Thayer's death.
Well... that... and the fact that I don't cook anymore. So really, attitude and diet have suffered the most since Thayer's death.
(Yes, I'm sure that the diet has affected our attitude but that's another subject altogether.)

For the past several weeks, L has been on a rampage. The slightest little inconveniences have sent him into a screaming, destructive wreck. I haven't helped the situation either. I've lashed out at him on several occasions as well.
But overall, I do remain calm.

One day last week he came home from school like a bat out of hell. He immediately screamed about his homework- so I sent him to his room, where he destroyed his notebook and ripped up previous homework assignments. He then proceeded to fall asleep in his closet in a basket of stuffed animals.
(gotta admit that was cute). He slept from 4:30-6:45pm. Upon waking, he came out of his room and ate three bowls of cereal.
(I thought for sure that the sleep and food would cure his ill temper). Until he asked, "what day is it?" He was shocked and horrified that it was still the same day.
He had emerged from his closet sleep, assuming it was the next morning.... so he freaked out AGAIN and put himself to bed.

So here's the kicker!-
When I went to his room later that night, assuming he was asleep.... That little guy was on his bed reading the Bible!!
woah. This is completely out of his present character! And imagine my surprise when he asked me to sit on his bed so he could read the New Testament to me! He wanted to read "the red words that Jesus said". So I had him read several passages to me. He was SO willing and eager.
Then, he jumped out of bed to grab a devotional book that we used to read each night. He reminded me that it had been a while. He insisted that I would read the corresponding scripture and he would read the devotional.
again... woah.
We had an amazing time in God's word.

Once again, God used a little moment to teach me something big.

I know for a fact that God spoke to L's heart that night and encouraged L to pick up the Bible. L knew that he needed God to calm his heart and settle his anger.

And the cool part is.... I had NOTHING to do with it.
L and I had been on bad terms for about a week. Nothing I could have said or done would have given him the notion to call on God.
This was truly a God thing. This made real the fact that God draws people to Himself.
We could be great loving parents or frustrated single parents, imperfect and fumbling... but ultimately God is the one who will call our children to follow Him.
Of course, I have the reponsibility of raising my kids to the best of my ability.... but I know that God can work miracles amongst the ruins. And I found great relief in seeing this with my own eyes.

I have been praying all along that God will fill the void that my boys have in Thayer's absense. In theory, it's great to think that God will father my kids. But to actually see it happen was a huge encouragement.

using restraint

I just a read a blog in which I am dying to post a comment. I debated for a few minutes and then decided that it wasn't worth it.
My simple comment would be:

"and all the while your children continue to grow up so quickly."

there. I said it.
Just not to the blogger.
Every ounce of me wants to shout it at this person. But I will hold my tongue, this one time. For the sake of being nice and not offending.

wow. I didn't know I had the ability to hold my tongue. I learn something new every day :-)

um... but in reality, I guess I didn't hold my tongue because I just shared it with you. hah.

the unknown

I have had "caller ID" on my home phone for years.
Even so... 9 out of 10 times, I would answer my phone as if I had no idea who was on the line. :-) But of course I knew! Every time.
I had the ability to screen my calls if we were eating dinner or entertaining friends.
I was trained to come home and immediately glance at the phone to see if anyone had called.
It was quite convenient to foresee what type of conversation would follow the ring.

These days, I have become more fluent on my cell phone so I decided to cut my home phone services WAY back. I've got a super basic line with NO caller ID.

The first few days I would still come home and look at the phone screen... but it would be blank. I decided that I needed to replace the wall phone (that was equipped for caller ID) so I could break my habit of constant phone surveillance.

(Can you believe that a basic phone, without all of the frills, only costs $5!! Hard to believe you can buy anything for $5 these days!)

anywho. So I've got this regular old phone on my wall. And it's lovely. :-)

And now, when the phone rings, my initial reaction is, "oh! Who could it be?! And I wonder why they are calling?!"
It's almost like a guessing game for me! :0)
I really, truly don't have a clue who's on the line when I answer it! So please- identify yourself! ;)

In a world where we are so gratified by constant information... I feel like I've taken it down a notch. and it's so nice.